Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 2, Episode 10 - Don't Break the Chain - full transcript

♪ WHO CAN TURN THE
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪

♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪

♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪

♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT YOU SHOW IT ♪

♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪

♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪

MORNING, MAR. HI.

I PICKED UP THE MAIL. OH, GOOD.



MARY, I GOT IT! OH.

WHAT? MY INCOME TAX REFUND.

EVERY YEAR I GO CRAZY
WONDERING WHETHER I'M

GONNA GET MONEY OR A
SUMMONS FOR MY ARREST.

- HEY! I WONDER IF THE
GOVERNMENT CAN AFFORD THIS.
- HOW MUCH IS IT FOR?

$18.75.

HEY, THERE'S ONE HERE
FOR YOU, KID. OH, THANKS.

OH, NO, YOU CAN'T WIN. WHAT?

THIS IS THE BILL FROM THE GUY
WHO PREPARED MY INCOME TAX.

$25.

OH, BOY, JUST WHAT I DON'T NEED.

WHAT JUST DON'T YOU
NEED? ANOTHER CHAIN LETTER.

OH, I HAVEN'T SEEN ONE
OF THESE THINGS IN YEARS.

"DEAR FRIEND, THIS LETTER
WILL BRING YOU MONEY



IF YOU READ IT AND
FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS.

"CLAUDE JOHNSON READ IT,
FOLLOWED THE INSTRUCTIONS...

AND RECEIVED OVER $25,000 CASH."

AND IF YOU MAKE 20 COPIES OF THIS
LETTER, SEND IT TO YOUR FRIENDS,

ADD YOUR NAME TO THE
BOTTOM OF THE LIST OF NAMES,

SEND A DOLLAR TO THE
NAME AT THE TOP OF THE

LIST, YOU WILL RECEIVE
OVER $25,000, RIGHT?

PERFECT. THROW IT AWAY.

MARY, YOU MEAN YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO BREAK
IT? ISN'T IT BAD LUCK TO BREAK THE CHAIN?

THERE, YOU SEE? THAT'S WHAT
I HATE ABOUT THOSE LETTERS.

ALL THAT SUPERSTITION
AND GREED. WHAT

POSSIBLE BAD LUCK
COULD I HAVE IF I BREAK IT?

COME ON.

YOU COULD LOSE YOUR JOB. HOW?

THIS LETTER'S FROM YOUR BOSS.

MORNING, MURRAY. MORNING.

ANY CALLS?

YEAH, MY WIFE CALLED.
I FORGOT MY LUNCH.

- I MEANT FOR ME.
- OH. NO.

- HEY, MURRAY, DO YOU KNOW WHERE
THE STATION CHRISTMAS LIST IS?
- RIGHT HERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THE
CHRISTMAS LIST AT THIS TIME OF YEAR?

THE SAME THING YOU
WANT TO DO WITH IT.

DID YOU, UH, HAPPEN TO
GET A CHAIN LETTER FROM...

YES, I DID. AND I JUST WANT YOU TO
KNOW THAT EVEN THOUGH WE'RE FRIENDS,

AND WE WORK AT PRACTICALLY
THE SAME DESK TOGETHER,

THE 17 PEOPLE ON
THIS LIST... ARE MINE.

OH, SWELL.

OH, OKAY. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. IF
IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL ANY BETTER,

I LET YOU HAVE THE...
SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR.

THE MAIL BOY?

OKAY, IT'S A START
ANYWAY. THANKS.

WHERE AM I GOING TO COME UP
WITH THE REST OF THE PEOPLE?

MARY, YOU HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS.

YEAH, AND THE REASON THEY'RE MY FRIENDS
IS I DON'T SEND THEM DUMB CHAIN LETTERS.

MARY! YOU BROKE LOU'S CHAIN!

OH, COME ON, MURRAY. IF I
DIDN'T, SOMEBODY ELSE WOULD.

MORNING. MORNING.

OH, YOU'VE GOT A MESSAGE
HERE TO CALL FREDERICK VARNEY.

NEVER HEARD OF
HIM. NO, UH, WAIT.

ISN'T HE THE NEW CHAIRMAN OF THE
BOARD? AND OUR BIGGEST STOCKHOLDER.

YEAH. OH, I JUST
REMEMBERED WHO HE IS.

MARY, WHAT'S HALF OF MY CHAIN
LETTER DOING IN YOUR WASTEBASKET?

AH!

KEEPING THE OTHER HALF COMPANY.

IS THAT IT?

- WELL, MR. GRANT, I-I JUST...
- YOU JUST?

UH, WELL, YEAH. MARY.

I'LL LET YOU HAVE CHEF LaROY.

YES, SIR.

MARY, I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU
THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT,

BECAUSE HERE'S
WHAT I THINK HAPPENED.

YOU WERE READING
MY CHAIN LETTER.

YOUR HANDS ACCIDENTLY SLIPPED...

TEARING THE PAPER.

JUST THEN, THERE WAS A
LOUD NOISE FROM THE HALL.

THE PIECES OF THE LETTER
FELL OUT OF YOUR HANDS...

AND INTO YOUR WASTEBASKET.

THEN I CAME IN. SO HERE
YOU GO, AND YOU'RE WELCOME.

MR. GRANT, IT DID NOT
ACCIDENTLY SLIP OUT OF MY HANDS.

I RIPPED IT UP AND THREW
IT INTO THE WASTEBASKET...

BECAUSE I JUST... DON'T HAPPEN
TO BELIEVE IN CHAIN LETTERS.

- OH? WELL, NEITHER DO I.
- WELL, THEN WHY
DID YOU SEND IT?

BECAUSE THIS ONE'S... DIFFERENT.

DID YOU SEE THIS LIST OF NAMES?

YOU MEAN, THE PEOPLE
WHO ANSWERED THE LETTER?

RIGHT. AND IT'S A VERY
DISTINGUISHED LIST.

NOW, LOOK UP
HERE AT THIS NAME...

"ALLEN LUDDEN."

YEAH. SO?

MARY...

ALLEN LUDDEN IS NO
FLY-BY-NIGHT NOBODY.

HE'S... ALLEN LUDDEN.

YES?

I'VE BEEN WATCHING ALLEN ON
TELEVISION EVER SINCE COLLEGE BOWL.

IF ALLEN LUDDEN BELIEVES THIS
CHAIN LETTER IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM,

THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

THAT'S WHY I SPENT A LOT OF TIME
PICKING PEOPLE WHO I KNEW WOULDN'T...

BREAK THE CHAIN.

PEOPLE I CAN TRUST.

PEOPLE WHO ARE RELIABLE,
RESPONSIBLE, INTELLIGENT...

LOU, I GOT YOUR CHAIN LETTER.

AND THEN I RAN OUT
OF THOSE PEOPLE.

I'M SORRY I BARGED
IN, BUT I JUST HAD TO

TELL YOU HOW HONORED
I AM THAT YOU CHOSE ME.

OH, YOU GET ONE TOO? UM, YEAH.

MARY, IF WE SEND 20 OF
THESE TO OUR FRIENDS,

AND NONE OF US BREAK THE
CHAIN, I COULD WIN $25,000.

AND ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SEND A DOLLAR
TO THE PERSON AT THE TOP OF THE LIST.

OH.

WHAT THE HECK? ALL I GOTTA DO
IS FIND 20 PEOPLE TO SEND IT TO.

UH, WHY DON'T YOU SEND IT TO THE
MEMBERS OF YOUR FAN CLUB, TED?

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. UH-HUH.

NOW ALL I'VE TO DO IS
COME UP WITH 15 MORE.

YOU STILL WANT TO
BREAK THE CHAIN, MARY?

KNOWING HOW IT WILL
DISAPPOINT TED... AND ME?

NOT TO MENTION ALLEN LUDDEN.

MARY. HI.

HOW COME YOU'RE NOT WATCHING
THAT DOCUMENTARY ON TV?

IT'S ON HOW MUCH FUN US
SINGLE SWINGERS ARE HAVING.

HOW COME YOU'RE NOT WATCHING IT?

OH, I DIDN'T WANT TO WATCH
IT ALONE. IT'S TOO DEPRESSING.

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT, MAR. ACCORDING
TO THAT PROGRAM, RIGHT THIS MINUTE,

YOU AND I ARE EITHER
SKIING OR ON A HAYRIDE.

I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR EITHER. MAYBE
WHEN I FINISH WITH THIS CHAIN LETTER.

MARY, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE STILL
HUNG UP WITH THAT CHAIN LETTER.

WILL YOU PICK THE FIRST 20 NAMES IN YOUR
ADDRESS BOOK? YOU'LL STILL BE IN THE A's.

I AM ALREADY INTO THE
L's AND I HAVEN'T FOUND

ONE PERSON I WOULD
LIKE TO BURDEN WITH IT.

WHEN YOU GET TO THE M's, FEEL FREE TO
BURDEN ME. THANKS, YEAH, I ALREADY DID.

OH, YEAH? COURSE I HAVE
TO WORK LATE ALL THIS WEEK.

BUT I SUPPOSE, ON
MY ONE NIGHT OFF,

I COULD GO TO THE LIBRARY AND
USE THEIR DUPLICATING MACHINE.

TWENTY COPIES, HUH?

TEN CENTS A PAGE. WOO. ARE
YOU CROSSING ME OFF THE LIST?

YEAH. THANKS, KID.

"ARMOND LYNTON." I DON'T
REMEMBER THAT NAME.

I ALSO DON'T REMEMBER
THIS HANDWRITING.

LET ME SEE IT. THERE.

OH, YEAH, THAT'S ARMOND
LYNTON. I PUT THAT IN.

RHODA, WHY ARE YOU PUTTING
STRANGE MEN IN MY ADDRESS BOOK?

HE'S NOT A STRANGE MAN.
HE'S THE GUY I INVITED...

TO THAT PARTY YOU GAVE AS MY
DATE, AND HE SHOWED UP WITH HIS WIFE.

OH, YES. I REMEMBER HER. NANCY.

I REMEMBER HIM. ARMOND.

IT STILL DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY YOU
WROTE IN MY ADDRESS BOOK AND NOT YOURS.

I DON'T HAVE ONE.

I'VE BEEN GETTING BY FOR YEARS
ON THE BACK OF A COCKTAIL NAPKIN.

SEND ONE TO ARMOND. HE
WON'T MIND. YEAH? OKAY.

HEY, ROY MARTONI.

I WOULDN'T FEEL TOO GUILTY ABOUT
SENDING ONE TO HIM. WHO'S HE?

THERE WAS AN AD IN THIS
COOKING MAGAZINE THAT SAID,

"SEND AWAY FOR A FREE
STEAK KNIFE, NO OBLIGATION."

SO, I SENT AWAY FOR IT, AND ROY
MARTONI SHOWED UP AT MY DOOR...

WITH MY FREE,
NO-OBLIGATION STEAK KNIFE.

I KNOW THE BIT. THEN HE TRIED TO
SELL YOU A WHOLE SET OF STEAK KNIVES.

NO! NO. A WHOLE SET
OF ENCYCLOPEDIAS.

I JUST THOUGHT OF THE PERFECT
PERSON YOU CAN SEND THAT LETTER TO.

WHO? MY MOTHER.

- OH, YEAH. GOOD.
- SIGN MY NAME.

SHE LOVES TO HEAR FROM ME.

WHERE IS THAT KID ANYWAY?

TED, I CALLED, AND THEY SAID
THE MAIL BOY IS ON HIS WAY UP.

BUT THAT WAS FOUR MINUTES
AGO. WHAT'S TAKING HIM SO LONG?

TED, YOUR $25,000 IS NOT
GOING TO COME IN ONE LETTER.

IT COMES LITTLE BY LITTLE.

IF IT COMES, WHICH
IT PROBABLY WON'T.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT I'M
WAITING FOR... MY FIRST LITTLE.

I ALREADY INVESTED
A BUCK IN THIS THING.

- WHERE IS THAT KID?
- MAIL BOY GET HERE YET?

NO, LOU, AND I WANT HIM FIRED.

I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY GIVE AN IMPORTANT
JOB LIKE DELIVERING THE MAIL TO A BOY.

THEY SHOULD GIVE IT TO A GROWN-UP. A
MAILMAN. YOU UNDERSTAND, DON'T YOU?

SOME... KID IS PROBABLY
GOOFING OFF WITH IT IN THE HALLS.

HERE, TED. I THINK I SAW A
COUPLE IN THERE FOR YOU.

DON'T TRY TO FIGURE IT OUT. JUST LOOK
AND SEE IF THERE'S ANYTHING THERE FOR ME.

DON'T BE TOO DISAPPOINTED
IF YOU DIDN'T GET ANY

MONEY. I NEVER HEARD
OF ANYBODY WHO EVER DID.

I GOT A DOLLAR.

YOU SEE, MARY?
ALLEN LUDDEN KNOWS.

UH, TED, DID YOU HAPPEN TO
SEE ANYTHING IN THERE FOR ME?

NO, JUST A BUNCH OF
FAN LETTERS FOR ME.

ONLY TED COULD CALL
ONE POSTCARD "A BUNCH."

HI, MARY.

HI.

I GOT YOUR CHAIN LETTER, AND I
JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU IN PERSON.

- UH, Y-YOU'RE WELCOME.
- THANK YOU.

- YOU'RE, UH...
- ARMOND LYNTON, RIGHT.

ARMOND LYNTON. YES, WELL,
WELL. I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU.

THAT'S BECAUSE LAST TIME I
HAD MY WIFE, NANCY, ON MY ARM.

OH, YES. HOW IS
NANCY? OFF MY ARM.

WE'RE SEPARATED, YOU KNOW.

I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.
WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'VE BEEN TO A COUNSELOR, AND I'VE LEARNED
TO BE OPEN AND HONEST ABOUT MY SEPARATION.

UH-HUH. UH, EXCUSE ME. MARY.

OH, THANK YOU. OH, UH, MURRAY
SLAUGHTER, ARMOND LYNTON.

OH, HI. HOW ARE YOU? FINE, SINCE I
BECAME SEPARATED FROM MY WIFE, NANCY.

UH, WELL, I'M SORRY TO HEAR
ABOUT THAT. WHAT'S THE NAME AGAIN?

NANCY.

WELL, ARMOND, IT WAS REALLY...

NICE VISITING WITH YOU, BUT
I DO HAVE SOME WORK TO DO.

YOU KNOW, MARY, YOUR LETTER
COULDN'T HAVE COME AT A BETTER TIME.

IT REMINDED ME OF HOW
ATTRACTIVE AND SINGLE YOU WERE.

YOU CERTAINLY ARE STILL
ATTRACTIVE. ARE YOU STILL, UH...

UH, YES.

WELL, WELL. SO AM I SINCE I BECAME
SEPARATED FROM MY WIFE, NANCY.

AND SO, THAT'S WHEN I DECIDED TO GO
INTO THE STOCKBROKERAGE BUSINESS.

PERHAPS YOU'VE
HEARD OF MY COMPANY?

MAYBE I HAVE. WHAT'S
IT CALLED, ARMOND?

ARMOND LYNTON AND COMPANY.

UH, NO, I-I HAVEN'T HEARD OF IT.

THAT'S WHERE I USUALLY SPEND MY
MORNINGS BUT SINCE TODAY WAS A HOLIDAY...

WHAT, UH, HOLIDAY IS TODAY?

- MY BIRTHDAY.
- OH, WELL, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

THANK YOU. YOU KNOW, I USUALLY
SPEND MY BIRTHDAYS WITH NANCY,

BUT SINCE WE'RE
SEPARATED, I WAS WONDERING

IF YOU'D CARE TO HAVE
DINNER WITH ME TONIGHT?

OH, WELL, UH... UH, SURE. SURE.

OH, GREAT. WHAT TIME DO
YOU GET THROUGH HERE?

UH, WELL, NOT UNTIL ABOUT 7:00.

OH, THAT LATE, HUH? COULDN'T YOU
KIND OF GET AWAY A LITTLE EARLY TONIGHT?

UH, NO! NO, I COULDN'T.

ARMOND, I HAVE A TREMENDOUS
AMOUNT OF WORK TO DO HERE.

- WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE
TO GO TONIGHT?
- UH, WELL...

WHY DON'T WE, UH,
DISCUSS THAT LATER?

THE REASON I'D LIKE TO KNOW
IS SO I CAN MAKE A RESERVATION.

UH-HUH, WELL, UH... THE
EMBERS IS ALWAYS NICE.

THAT'S WHERE I ALWAYS USED TO GO
WITH NANCY BEFORE WE WERE SEPARATED.

NO, I DON'T THINK THAT
WOULD BE IN GOOD TASTE.

- OKAY, UH, HOW ABOUT, UH, OSCAR'S, UH...
- WELL, THAT'S NO GOOD EITHER.

YOU USED TO GO THERE
WITH NANCY A LOT?

NO, IT'S JUST NO
GOOD. FOOD'S BAD.

HMPH. WELL, I, UH... I HAVE BEEN TO A
PLACE THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD LAST WEEK.

IF I COULD JUST
REMEMBER THE NAME OF IT...

MARY! YES, SIR.

CAN I SEE YA A MINUTE? YES, SIR.

UH, ARMOND, UH, YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE TO EXCUSE ME.

I REALLY DO HAVE TO GET TO WORK.

IT'S OKAY. I'VE GOT
NOTHING BUT TIME. MARY!

MR. GRANT, PLEASE DON'T SAY A WORD. I
KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY.

OKAY, WHAT AM I GOING TO SAY?

YOU... ARE GONNA SAY THAT YOU DO
NOT LIKE US TO HAVE PERSONAL PEOPLE...

IN THE NEWSROOM DURING
BUSINESS HOURS BECAUSE...

WHEN THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THE NEWSROOM
YOU CAN'T BE YOURSELF, YOU HAVE TO BE NICE.

AND YOU DON'T LIKE... HAVING TO BE NICE
BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE NICE, THEN NOBODY...

GETS ANY WORK DONE AT ALL AND
THAT'S, UH, WHAT YOU WERE GONNA SAY.

YES.

BUT, YOU LEFT OUT THE
MOST IMPORTANT ITEM. WHAT?

- GET RID OF HIM.
- I AM TRYING
MY LEVEL BEST...

TO GET RID OF HIM.

MMM, NO. NO, MARY, NO.

IF YOU WANNA GET RID
OF SOMEBODY, YOU SAY,

"PLEASE LEAVE.

"GO AWAY.

GET OUT OF HERE."

WORDS LIKE THAT.

WHEN I HEAR WORDS LIKE,

"WHERE SHALL WE HAVE DINNER TONIGHT?
- 00.

CAN YOU GET OFF ANY EARLIER?"

THAT'S NOT GETTING
RID OF SOMEONE, MARY.

THAT'S PLANNING A LIFE TOGETHER.

THANK GOODNESS.
WHEN DID ARMOND LEAVE?

HE DIDN'T LEAVE. TED IS TAKING HIM
ON A PERSONAL TOUR OF THE STUDIO.

- TED?
- YEAH.

WHEN YOUR FRIEND INTRODUCED
HIMSELF AS A STOCKBROKER,

TED MUST HAVE THOUGHT THAT
WAS THE SAME AS STOCKHOLDER.

AND HE'S GIVING HIM
THE ROYAL TREATMENT.

THIS IS THE NEWSROOM, WHERE THE
NEWS IS MADE AND WRITTEN FOR ME.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET THE HARDEST
WORKING GIRL IN THE NEWSROOM.

THAT'S BECAUSE SHE'S THE
ONLY GIRL IN THE NEWSROOM.

THIS IS "ALMOND" LYNTON,
ONE OF OUR STOCKBROKERS.

"ALMOND," THIS IS MARY RICHARDS.

MARY, WHY DON'T I, UH,
PICK YOU UP AT 8:00 TONIGHT?

OKAY, I'LL... JUST WRITE
DOWN MY ADDRESS FOR YOU.

BOY, TALK ABOUT FAST WORKERS.

GREAT, I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT. UH,
I'LL SHOW YOU TO THE ELEVATOR.

OH, THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY. I
PREFER THE STAIRS. IT'S GOOD EXERCISE.

OH, IS THAT HOW YOU
KEEP IN SUCH GREAT SHAPE?

WELL, YES, THAT AND, UH, YOGA.

YOGA? NO KIDDING? I LOVE YOGA.

HAVE YOU EVER TRIED THE KIND
WITH THE FRUIT ON THE BOTTOM?

COME ON IN, RHODA.

IT'S LOCKED.

ARMOND! UH, IT'S ONLY 7:30. I
THOUGHT OUR DATE WAS, UH, FOR 8:00?

I KNOW I'M EARLY, BUT I HAD NOTHING TO
DO AND I FIGURED I'D RATHER DO IT HERE.

- MY APARTMENT SEEMS SO EMPTY NOW...
- SINCE NANCY MOVED OUT.

AND TOOK ALL THE FURNITURE.

WELL, I-I STILL, UH,
HAVE TO GET DRESSED.

SO, UH, JUST COME IN AND MAKE
YOURSELF AT HOME. UH, YOU COULD...

READ A MAGAZINE. SURE.

OUR RESERVATIONS ARE FOR 8:15.

WHERE'D YOU FINALLY
DECIDE WE'D EAT?

WELL, I MADE RESERVATIONS IN FOUR
PLACES. WELL, WHEREVER YOU WANT TO GO.

I DIDN'T MAKE A
RESERVATION THERE.

ARMOND, COULD YOU
GET THAT, PLEASE?

SURE, UH, IT'S GOOD EXERCISE.

ARMOND. YES?

- ARMOND LYNTON.
- YES.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER ME?
I'M, UH, RHODA MORGENSTERN.

OH, YES. I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE
YOU WITHOUT MY WIFE.

- NANCY, HUH?
- YEAH. WE'RE SEPARATED,
YOU KNOW.

OH, REALLY?

THAT'S TOO BAD, ARMOND.

HI, RHODA.

ARMOND LYNTON. I KNOW.

MAR, UH, THE REASON I CAME DOWN IS I
WANNA SHOW YOU SOMETHING IN YOUR KITCHEN.

UH, EXCUSE US. CERTAINLY.

WHAT'S ARMOND LYNTON
DOING OUT THERE?

YOU REMEMBER HOW YOU TOLD
ME TO SEND HIM A CHAIN LETTER?

UH-HUH. HE ANSWERED
IT... IN PERSON.

YOU GOT TO BE THE ONLY
GIRL IN THE WORLD WHO

CAN SEND OUT A CHAIN
LETTER AND WIN A MAN.

- I DIDN'T WANT TO WIN HIM.
- OH, WELL, GOOD.

A GREAT-LOOKING
SEPARATED MAN LIKE THAT

SHOULD NOT GO TO WASTE.
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME...

UH, RHODA... WHAT?

HE'S TAKING ME TO DINNER.

OH. AND YOU DON'T WANT TO GO?

WELL, IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY.

MARY, I'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING
TO YOU I'VE NEVER DONE BEFORE.

I'M GONNA TAKE
HIM AWAY FROM YOU.

- TERRIFIC. I'LL HELP YOU.
- GOOD.

THAT MEANS I MIGHT
HAVE A CHANCE.

HI. YEAH, I-I'M LOOKING
FOR MARY RICHARDS.

JUST TELL HER ROY
MARTONI. I'M AN OLD FRIEND.

WELL, UH, HI.

HI! I GOT YOUR LETTER.

- OH?
- YEAH. MIND IF
I COME IN?

WELL, WE WERE JUST
ABOUT TO GO OUT.

I'LL... J-JUST A MINUTE.
I'LL BE JUST A MINUTE.

A MINUTE? IT LOOKS
LIKE HE'S MOVING IN.

UH, ROY MARTONI, THIS
IS RHODA MORGENSTERN.

ROY MARTONI. AND, UH,
ARMOND LYNTON, ROY MARTONI.

ROY MARTONI. YOU
JUST GET INTO TOWN?

HOW'S THAT? NO, NO, NO. THIS
IS MY LINE. I, UH... I'M A SALESMAN.

WHAT DO YOU SELL? BLACK
CARDBOARD SUITCASES?

ROY SELLS ENCYCLOPEDIAS.

OH, NO, MARY. I GAVE THAT UP.
THE SAMPLES WERE TOO HEAVY.

YOU KNOW, MARY,

SENDING ME THAT CHAIN LETTER WAS
SUCH A BEAUTIFUL, GENEROUS THING TO DO...

THAT I SAID TO MYSELF, "HOW AM
I EVER GOING TO PAY HER BACK?"

THEN IT CAME TO ME.

I'M GONNA SHOW HER
WHAT I'VE GOT IN THIS CASE.

WATERLESS COOKWARE.

AND THIS ISN'T ORDINARY WATERLESS
COOKWARE. THIS IS... THUNDERWARE.

OH, GEE, MAR.
WATERLESS THUNDERWARE!

YES. THUNDERWARE, THE
BIG NEW BOOM IN COOKING.

LOOK, OLD MAN. WE DON'T
HAVE VERY MUCH TIME.

UH, YOU SEE, WE'RE JUST
ON OUR WAY OUT TO DINNER.

AFTER YOU SEE ME DEMONSTRATE WATERLESS
THUNDERWARE, YOU'LL NEVER EAT OUT AGAIN.

YOU WANNA KNOW WHY? BECAUSE IT'S BASED
ON A TOTALLY NEW PRINCIPLE OF COOKING.

THE FLAVOR IS SEALED...
RIGHT IN THE POT.

HOW LONG DOES THIS TAKE?

UH, BRUSSELS SPROUTS, ABOUT
FOUR MINUTES. STRING BEANS, ABOUT...

I MEAN, THE DEMONSTRATION.

WELL, NOT LONG AT ALL.
YOU SEE, I'M ALL SET UP.

WELL, I REALLY DON'T
THINK WE CAN. UH, MARY?

I'M ALL SET UP, MAR.

WELL, H-HE'S ALL SET UP, ARMOND.

WELL, ALL RIGHT, BUT
PLEASE MAKE IT FAST, HUH?

ALL RIGHT. WONDERFUL. WHY DON'T
YOU ALL JUST SIT DOWN AND, UH...

MARY, WHY DON'T YOU JUST SIT RIGHT
OVER THERE? UH, RHODA, SIT THERE. ARMOND...

IT IS ARMOND, ISN'T
IT? YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

WHY DON'T YOU SIT
RIGHT THERE? OKAY.

NOW, IN THE BEGINNING,

WHEN THE CAVEMAN WAS
HUNGRY AND WANTED FOOD...

WHY, HE JUST HIT IT OVER
THE HEAD AND ATE IT, RIGHT?

BUT THEN HE INVENTED WHAT?

FIRE. RIGHT.

THEN OUR FIRST UTENSILS...

WERE LARGE, FLAT ROCKS WHICH, WHEN
HEATED UP, BECAME OUR FIRST WHAT?

FRYING PANS! PANS.

- THEN CAME THE ICE AGE!
- I'LL BUY IT.

- WHAT?
- I'LL BUY IT.

UH... BUT I'M NOT...
I'M NOT DONE YET.

YEAH, HE DIDN'T EVEN GET UP
TO THE STAINLESS STEEL AGE.

WE'RE IN A HURRY, SO JUST TELL
ME HOW MUCH IT IS, AND WE'LL LEAVE.

HUH? MARY? I'LL GET MY COAT.

WELL, WONDERFUL. YEAH, LISTEN,
12.12 A MONTH FOR 18 MONTHS.

BUT IF YOU WANT TO PUT $25
DOWN, IT'S 15.46 FOR 12 MONTHS.

BUT, IF YOU WANT OUR THRIFTY
PLAN, IT'S 6.57 FOR 36 MONTHS.

AND HOW MUCH WOULD IT BE IF I PAY
FOR THE WHOLE THING RIGHT NOW IN CASH?

CASH? CASH.

I HAVE NO IDEA.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA?

YOU SEE, WE MAKE OUR MONEY ON
INTEREST PAYMENTS AND LOAN CHARGES.

IF WE TOOK... MONEY, I
THINK WE'D LOSE MONEY.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL
PAY BY THE MONTH.

WONDERFUL. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS FILL
OUT A FEW OF THESE FORMS. ALL READY.

NOW, ON THE BACK OF PAGE
THREE, I WANT YOU TO PUT DOWN...

THE NAMES AND ADDRESSES
OF YOUR EMPLOYERS...

FOR THE LAST 12 YEARS.

I MAY BE ABLE TO GET SOME USE OUT
OF THIS COOKWARE. I'M JUST SEPARATED.

OH. OH! WELL, THEN THIS SET IS
WONDERFUL FOR YOU. YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE IT COMES WITH
A... ONE-CUP COFFEE MAKER.

NO KIDDING.

LOOK, MARY. I JUST BOUGHT
MYSELF A BIRTHDAY PRESENT.

D-D... DID I HEAR YOU SAY
IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY? UH-HUH.

THAT ENTITLES
YOU TO A FREE GIFT.

HERE, I'M GONNA THROW
IN A POTATO PEELER.

THANK YOU. GEE, I
JUST CAN'T WAIT...

TO GET STARTED
USING ALL THIS STUFF.

BUT, UH, MARY
AND I HAVE A DATE...

YOU'RE, UH, LEAVING?

UH... NO! NO, LISTEN,
ARMOND... WHY WAIT?

I'M SURE EVERYBODY HERE IS ANXIOUS TO
SEE YOUR NEW THUNDERWARE IN ACTION, RIGHT?

RIGHT YOU ARE, MAR. ARMOND, WOULD
YOU LIKE A GOOD HOME-COOKED MEAL?

INSTEAD OF GOING
OUT? HUH? I SURE WOULD.

I HAVEN'T HAD A GOOD
HOME-COOKED MEAL SINCE...

- NANCY MOVED OUT?
- YEAH, AND TOOK ALL THE DISHES.

I DON'T THINK I HAVE
ENOUGH FOOD IN MY

REFRIGERATOR, BUT YOU AND
I COULD GO TO THE MARKET.

WAIT A MINUTE. YOU DON'T HAVE TO,
BECAUSE I'VE GOT A ROAST IN THE CAR.

THAT'S GREAT. HOW
MUCH DO YOU WANT FOR IT?

OH, NO CHARGE. IT'S
A DEMONSTRATOR.

BESIDES, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'VE GOT
A BAGFUL OF GROCERIES IN THE CAR.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I WANNA SHOW
YOU FELLAS HOW TO USE THIS.

BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T USE
IT RIGHT, IT CAN EXPLODE.

SAY, UH, LET ME GIVE YOU A HAND
WITH THAT. I LOVE THE EXERCISE.

THAT'S WONDERFUL. UH, THE
CAR IS PARKED RIGHT OUT FRONT.

THE GRAY PACKARD. GREAT.

SAY, UH, LADIES, UH... I DON'T
WANNA STEP ON ANYBODY'S TOES...

ESPECIALLY ON THE TOES
OF A FELLA THAT SIZE...

BUT... WHICH ONE
OF YOU IS WITH HIM?

ME.

WELL, WELL...

GOOD MORNING. HAS
THE MAIL COME IN YET?

WE JUST CAME IN. NO MAIL YET.

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE UP? YOU'RE NOT GONNA
GET ANY MONEY FROM THAT CHAIN LETTER.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
I'M WAITING FOR MONEY?

I COULD BE WAITING
FOR MY FAN MAIL.

EITHER WAY, YOU'RE
GONNA BE DISAPPOINTED.

LOOKS LIKE I'VE STRUCK GOLD.

A LITTLE GREENBACK-A-RINO.
DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD WORK, EH?

THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING.
THERE'S MORE WHERE THIS CAME FROM.

- UH, TED, I DON'T THINK THERE'S
MORE WHERE THIS CAME FROM.
- WHERE'D IT COME FROM?

FROM YOU. IT'S YOUR LETTER. WHEN YOU MAILED
IT IN, YOU FORGOT TO PUT A STAMP ON IT.

OH, YEAH? HOW MUCH
DID YOU GUYS MAKE?