Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 2, Episode 1 - The Birds... and... um... Bess - full transcript

♪ WHO CAN TURN THE
WORLD ON WITH HER SMILE ♪

♪ WHO CAN TAKE A NOTHING DAY ♪

♪ AND SUDDENLY MAKE IT
ALL SEEM WORTHWHILE ♪

♪ WELL, IT'S YOU, GIRL
AND YOU SHOULD KNOW IT ♪

♪ WITH EACH GLANCE AND EVERY
LITTLE MOVEMENT YOU SHOW IT ♪

♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND
NO NEED TO WASTE IT ♪

♪ YOU CAN HAVE THE TOWN
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪

♪ YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE IT AFTER ALL ♪♪

[ Knocking ] COME ON IN, RHODA!

OH, HI, MAR. SORRY I'M SO
LATE, BUT I OVERSLEPT AGAIN.



THAT'S OKAY. BREAKFAST
IS JUST ABOUT READY.

OH, DON'T LOOK AT ME. I DON'T
HAVE ANY MAKEUP ON YET.

NOW THAT'S WHERE
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY,

"BUT RHODA, YOU LOOK
SENSATIONAL WITHOUT MAKEUP."

HAVE SOME JUICE.

RIGHT.

HI, ALL! AND RHODA.

GOOD MORNING. WOULD YOU
LIKE SOME SCRAMBLED EGGS?

UH, JUST SOME COFFEE, THANKS.
I HAVE TO DRIVE BESS TO SCHOOL.

DON'T YOU THINK YOU PUT A TEENY
BIT TOO MUCH MAKEUP ON YOUR EYES?

HEY, MARY, I WATCHED THAT
DOCUMENTARY YOU DID LAST NIGHT.

- OH, YEAH. SO DID I.
- HEY, YOU BOTH CAUGHT IT.

CAUGHT IT? DO YOU SERIOUSLY
THINK I'M ABOUT TO MISS...

ANY SHOW ENTITLED
WHAT'S YOUR SEXUAL I.Q.



WELL, WHAT DID ANYBODY THINK?

I THOUGHT IT WAS INFORMATIVE,
ENLIGHTENING AND MATURE.

YEAH. IN OTHER
WORDS, TOTALLY BORING.

BORING? YOU KNOW, WE DIDN'T WANT
TO DO THAT SHOW IN THE FIRST PLACE.

YOU DIDN'T? NO. IT WAS THE MANAGER'S
IDEA TO DO SOMETHING CONTROVERSIAL.

SO WE DID IT, AND HE SAID
IT WAS TOO CONTROVERSIAL.

SO WE ENDED UP DOING THIS
NONCONTROVERSIAL CONTROVERSY SHOW.

WELL, I GOT TO ADMIT, I
SWITCHED TO ANOTHER CHANNEL.

BUT I GOT A TERRIFIC TALK SHOW.

THEY HAD ON THE WOMAN WHO
WROTE THE SENSUOUS WOMAN...

AND THE MAN WHO
WROTE THE SENSUOUS MAN.

UNFORTUNATELY, I NEVER DID
GET TO SEE THE END OF THE SHOW.

THEY LEFT TOGETHER
DURING A COMMERCIAL.

WELL, MY ENTIRE FAMILY
WATCHED MARY'S SHOW,

AND WE FOUND IT VERY
WELL DONE, ESPECIALLY BESS.

BESS WATCHED WHAT'S
YOUR SEXUAL I.Q.?

PHYLLIS, ISN'T SHE
A LITTLE YOUNG?

WELL, LARS AND I NEVER CENSOR WHAT
OUR LITTLE BESS WATCHES ON TELEVISION.

OF COURSE, WE ALWAYS
HAVE ON SOME DOCUMENTARY...

OR SPECIAL AFFAIRS
PROGRAM OR SUCH.

OH, THIS IS TRUE. I DROPPED
BY PHYLLIS' ONE DAY,

AND THERE SHE WAS SITTING WATCHING
A STIMULATING EDUCATIONAL PROGRAM.

IT INVOLVED THIS GROUP
OF WELL-INFORMED LADIES...

GUESSING IF THERE WAS A HOME
FREEZER HIDDEN BEHIND A CURTAIN.

NO, I DO NOT RECALL
THE OCCASION.

I'LL HAVE TO ASK SOMEONE,
POSSIBLY MY HUSBAND...

A MAN.

- [ Knocking ]
- COME IN!

HIYA, BESS. HI, AUNT
MARY, AUNT RHODA.

I'M READY FOR SCHOOL
NOW, PHYLLIS. GOOD.

HAVE A LITTLE RESPECT FOR YOUR
MOTHER, KID. CALL HER AUNT PHYLLIS.

OH, AUNT MARY, I WANTED
TO STAY AWAKE DURING

YOUR PROGRAM LAST
NIGHT, BUT I JUST COULDN'T.

OH, THAT'S OKAY, SWEETIE.

I TRIED, BUT DADDY'S SNORING
KEPT MAKING ME SLEEPY.

[ Laughing ] GOOD, KID. GOOD.

OH, WELL, WE'LL TALK
TO YOU LATER. COME ON.

HEY, WE'D BETTER GET A MOVE ON
IF I'M GONNA DROP YOU OFF AT WORK.

WELL, I'LL PUT MY
FACE ON IN THE CAR.

RHODA, YOU'RE NOT
GONNA PULL THAT TRICKY...

ADJUSTING THE REARVIEW MIRROR
THING ON ME AGAIN, ARE YOU?

YOU THINK YOU HAVE IT BAD! YOU SHOULD HEAR
THE DRIVER YELL WHEN I DO IT ON THE BUS.

MARY, YOU KNOW WHAT
REALLY, REALLY BUGGED ME...

- ABOUT THAT SHOW LAST NIGHT?
- WHAT?

IT WAS THAT PART WHERE YOU HAD TO, YOU
KNOW, ADD UP YOUR SCORE, YOUR SEXUAL I.Q.

DON'T SPREAD IT
AROUND, BUT I GOT A 47.

RHODA, ARE YOU SERIOUS? COME ON.
IT'S JUST A SILLY, GIMMICKY LITTLE TEST.

WHO CARES IF YOU DIDN'T PASS IT.

I KNOW I CERTAINLY
DON'T CARE THAT I GOT A 90.

WAIT A MINUTE,
MARY. WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU WROTE UP THOSE QUESTIONS.
YOU SHOULD'VE GOT A HUNDRED.

I WEAR FLANNEL PAJAMAS.

OH. WELL, I DON'T,
AND I STILL GOT A 47.

OH, HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT? I
FLUNKED THE SEXUAL I.Q. TEST,

PASSED THE NATIONAL
DRIVER'S TEST.

AND, MARY, I'M A LOUSY DRIVER.

YES. YES.

WELL, THANK YOU VERY
MUCH FOR CALLING. GOOD-BYE.

WELL, FINALLY, A NORMAL ONE.

THE PHONE CALLS THIS MORNING
HAVE BEEN INSANE, REALLY INSANE.

WHAT? PEOPLE ARE REACTING TO
THAT SEX SHOW YOU DID LAST NIGHT?

- MURRAY, IT WAS
AN EDUCATIONAL PROGRAM.
- OH, I'M SORRY.

BUT YES, PEOPLE ARE DEFINITELY REACTING
TO THAT SEX SHOW WE DID LAST NIGHT.

SO FAR, IT'S NINE CALLS
FOR, FOURTEEN AGAINST...

AND, UH, THIRTEEN OBSCENE.

- YOU WANT ME TO TAKE
THE CALLS FOR A WHILE?
- OH, GORDY, WOULD YOU?

- SURE.
- OH, THANK YOU.

- [ Sighs ]
- DID I RING?

NO, NO, MR. GRANT. IT'S JUST THAT
IT'S CRAZY OUT THERE THIS MORNING,

AND I JUST NEED TO TAKE A BREAK.

[ Sighs ]

IN MY OFFICE?

UH, WELL, I GUESS THAT'S,
THAT'S A LONG ENOUGH BREAK.

NO, NO. NO, THAT'S ALL
RIGHT. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

IT'S THE PRICE I MUST PAY
FOR BEING SUCH A SWEETHEART.

MAKE YOURSELF RIGHT AT HOME. CAN
I PERHAPS GET YOU A CUP OF COFFEE?

NO, MR. GRANT. I'LL JUST
BE GETTING BACK NOW.

HEY... I THOUGHT OUR SHOW
WAS PRETTY GOOD LAST NIGHT.

OH, WELL, THANK YOU, MR. GRANT. I
DIDN'T... BECAUSE I GOT AN 88 ON IT.

THAT'S A VERY GOOD SCORE.

I WOULD'VE GOTTEN A HUNDRED,
BUT I WEAR A FLANNEL NIGHTSHIRT.

YEAH. THAT, UH... THAT
WAS THE TRICK QUESTION.

[ Clears Throat ] MARY!

CAUGHT YOUR SHOW LAST NIGHT.
WHERE'D YOU DO YOUR RESEARCH?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN,
"WHERE'D YOU DO YOUR RESEARCH?"

YES, I DID, TED. I GOT WHAT
YOU MEAN. OH, YES. UH-HUH.

SHE DIDN'T GET WHAT I
MEAN. YOU GET WHAT I MEAN?

TED, EVERYBODY IN THE
ROOM GOT WHAT YOU MEAN.

EVERYBODY IN THE UNITED STATES
OF AMERICA GOT WHAT YOU MEAN.

AND EVERYBODY THINKS
IT'S STUPID! EVERYBODY!

I KNEW IT'D GO OVER YOUR HEADS.

[ Phone Rings ] HELLO. NEWSROOM.

YEAH, THIS IS MISS
RICHARDS SPEAKING.

UH-HUH. UH-HUH.

IT, UH... UH-HUH.

[ Phone Rings ] YEAH, HOLD
ON A SECOND, WILL YOU?

HELLO? UH-HUH. YEAH, HANG ON.

HEY, LOOK, MAN, I GOT ANOTHER
OBSCENE CALLER. LET ME CALL YOU BACK.

YEAH. YEAH, I KNOW
YOU'RE IN A BOOTH.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL HURRY.

HELLO? HELLO?

AH, HE HUNG UP.

I TELL YOU, MARY, THESE OBSCENE CALLERS
AREN'T AS PATIENT AS THEY USED TO BE.

UH, MARY, WHEN YOU FINISH THAT,
WOULD YOU PLEASE CALL SALES...

AND FIND OUT WHICH COMMERCIAL
SPOTS WE STILL HAVE OPEN FOR TONIGHT?

YES, SIR.

UH, LOU, I WANT TO KNOW WHY YOU DIDN'T
USE ME ON THAT DOCUMENTARY LAST NIGHT.

WE CAN TALK ABOUT THAT
LATER IN MY OFFICE, TED.

NO, NO, LOU. I WANT TO TALK
ABOUT IT RIGHT HERE AND NOW.

RIGHT HERE AND NOW?
RIGHT HERE AND NOW, LOU!

YOU WANT ME TO TELL
YOU RIGHT HERE AND NOW,

IN FRONT OF
EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM,

PEOPLE YOU WORK
WITH DAY IN AND DAY OUT,

WHY I DIDN'T WANT TO USE
YOU ON THAT SHOW LAST NIGHT?

NO, I DON'T.

[ Phone Ringing ]

I'LL TAKE IT, LOU.

NEWSROOM.

WELL, I GUESS LOU GRANT WAS
IN CHARGE OF LAST NIGHT'S SHOW.

LOU? YEAH? THANKS, GORDY.

HELLO? THIS IS LOU GRANT SPEAKING,
YEAH. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

UH-HUH. UH-HUH.

UH, HEY, LADY, IT'S REALLY
NO BUSINESS OF MINE...

WHAT YOU AND YOUR
HUSBAND, UH, UM...

UH, LOOK, I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE IF YOU HAD A
COUPLE OF DRINKS, UH...

NAH, NAH, WAIT... I DON'T
GIVE THAT KIND OF...

JUST A MINUTE. MARY,
YOU WANT TO TAKE THIS?

LADY, I WANT TO WISH YOU
ALL THE LUCK IN THE WORLD.

SALES, PLEASE. DOCUMENTARY
ON FOOTBALL. THAT I CAN'T GET?

AH, PEGGY ANN, IT'S MARY. CAN YOU TELL
ME HOW MANY SPOTS WE HAVE OPEN TONIGHT?

THREE. THANK YOU.
OH, REALLY? DID YOU?

A HUNDRED, HUH?
THAT'S TERRIFIC. BYE-BYE.

[ Chuckles ] PEGGY ANN IN SALES.

COULDN'T WAIT TO TELL ME SHE GOT A
HUNDRED PERCENT ON THE TEST LAST NIGHT.

A HUNDRED? A HUNDRED!

SAY, MURRAY, IF ANYONE ASKS FOR
ME, I'LL BE GONE FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

I THINK I'LL MOSEY UP TO
SALES AND BUY SOMETHING.

I WONDER WHAT
THEY SELL UP THERE.

[ Phyllis ] MARY? YEAH.

MARY? WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?

I TRIED CALLING YOU AT THE
OFFICE, AND I COULDN'T GET THROUGH.

OH, SORRY, PHYLLIS. JUST... THE
PHONE CALLS WERE DRIVING ME CRAZY.

OH, DID YOU PICK UP THOSE THINGS
FOR ME WHILE YOU WERE SHOPPING?

UH, YEAH, I DID. HERE THEY ARE.

SO, WHY COULDN'T
I GET YOU TODAY?

WELL, I STOPPED ANSWERING
THE PHONE ABOUT 11:00.

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THE WEIRD CALLS
IN REACTION TO THAT SHOW LAST NIGHT.

MARY, WOULD YOU MIND IF I CHANGED
THE SUBJECT FOR JUST A SECOND?

- OH, BOY, PHYL, I WOULD LOVE IT.
- IT'S ABOUT THE SHOW LAST NIGHT.

PHYL!

WELL, ACTUALLY, I WOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT
ABOUT IT HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR THE SHOW.

UH... OH, THIS IS SO
HARD TO TALK ABOUT.

- [ Phone Rings ]
- OH, NO. THEY'VE GOTTEN
MY HOME NUMBER TOO?

NO! GO AWAY! I'LL GET IT.

HELLO? OH.

YOU'RE RIGHT. IT IS
AN OBSCENE CALL.

- OHHH!
- IT'S RHODA.

HI. YEAH, COME ON
DOWN IF YOU WANT.

HONESTLY, PHYLLIS,
THE TWO OF YOU...

OH, MARY, WE REALLY LIKE
EACH OTHER. WE REALLY DO.

EXCEPT AS PEOPLE.

ANYHOW, ABOUT THIS OTHER THING.

THE PROBLEM IS BESS.

BESS?

WELL... SHE'S
GROWING UP NOW, AND...

MARY... I CAN BARELY LOOK AT
YOU IN THE EYE WHEN I SAY THIS.

SHE...

WHAT I WANT TO SAY IS, I
CANNOT BRING MYSELF...

TO TELL BESS THE...
THE FACTS OF LIFE.

WELL, SEX, TO NAME NAMES!

HI. OH, RHODA.

WHAT? WHAT?

WE WERE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A
VERY DELICATE, VERY COMPLICATED...

OH, YOU WANT ME
TO LEAVE, I'LL LEAVE.

SO GO ON.

THE INSENSITIVITY
BOGGLES THE MIND.

PHYL, WHY DON'T YOU GIVE
BESS A BOOK ON THE SUBJECT?

A BOOK FOR WHAT?

OH... TEACH BESS THE FACTS
OF LIFE. ARE YOU SATISFIED.

THEY HAVE A WHOLE BUNCH
OF BOOKS ON THE SUBJECT...

FERTILIZATION, BIRDS, BEES,
FLOWERS, THAT KIND OF STUFF.

NO. BAD IDEA. WHY?

MY PARENTS GAVE ME A WHOLE BUNCH OF
THOSE BOOKS, YOU KNOW, ON NATURE AND STUFF,

WHEN I WAS A KID, AND
IT JUST CONFUSED ME.

I SORT OF ENDED UP THINKING I
HAD TO SWIM UP THE COLUMBIA RIVER.

SO, UH, HOW DID
YOU FINALLY LEARN?

[ Chuckles ]

WELL... NEVER MIND.

PHYL, IF YOU CAN'T BRING YOURSELF TO
TELL BESS, WHY DON'T YOU HAVE LARS DO IT?

- WELL, HE'S A DOCTOR.
- OH, NO, NO, NO.

HE'D PROBABLY JUST FALL ASLEEP.

MARY... I WAS THINKING.

YOU DID A DOCUMENTARY
ON THE WHOLE THING.

OH, AND YOU WANT ME TO TELL HER?

OH, PHYL, NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

WELL, WHY NOT? WELL,
IT'S NOT MY PLACE.

MARY, I DON'T WANT HER TO
LEARN ABOUT IT ON THE STREET.

- I COULD TELL HER.
- THANKS, BUT...

I DON'T THINK SHE NEEDS
TO KNOW QUITE THAT MUCH.

MARY? OH, PHYL!

OH, PLEASE? OH!

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL
HER. THANK YOU, MARY.

I JUST HOPE I TELL
HER THE RIGHT WAY.

OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT
IT. IT'S REALLY EASY.

WELL, THEN WHY DON'T YOU DO
IT? BECAUSE HANDLED INCORRECTLY,

IT COULD AFFECT MY LITTLE
BESS FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.

OKAY. OKAY, PHYLLIS, I WILL
TELL BESS ON SATURDAY MORNING.

RIGHT. IN THE MORNING WHEN IT'S OPEN AND
HONEST AND IN THE SHADOWLESS SUNLIGHT.

8:00? PHYL, COULD WE MAKE IT A
LITTLE LESS OPEN AND HONEST?

I LIKE TO SLEEP LATE ON
SATURDAY. HOW ABOUT 10:00?

FINE. I'LL SEE YOU THEN. WHAT?

OH, PHYL, I DON'T THINK IT MAKES
ANY DIFFERENCE WHAT BESS WEARS.

I'LL SEE YOU SATURDAY. GOOD-BYE.

HONESTLY, SHE IS STARTING TO GET
ME SO UPTIGHT ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING.

- NOT TELL HER?
- WELL, YOU GOTTA FIGURE,

IF THEY HAVEN'T SHOWN IT ON SESAME
STREET, IT MAY NOT BE WORTH KNOWING.

YES. TED BAXTER HERE.
I'D LIKE TO SEND A ROSE.

UH, NO, MISS, NOT ROSES.
A ROSE. A SINGLE ROSE.

MISS PEGGY ANN WATERSON,
SALES DEPARTMENT, WJM TV.

AND I'D LIKE THE CARD TO READ,

"A MEMORY OF A
MEMORABLE EVENING."

AND CHARGE IT TO
MY ACCOUNT. THANKS.

SAY, MAR, GOT ANY MORE OF THOSE

EIGHT-BY-TEN GLOSSIES
OF MINE LAYING AROUND?

UH, YES, I DO. DO YOU WANT
THE FRONT SHOT OR THE PROFILE?

GIVE ME THE COMPOSITE.
WHAT THE HECK! [ Laughs ]

SHALL I STAMP YOUR
AUTOGRAPH ON IT?

NO. THIS IS FOR SOMEBODY
SPECIAL. I'LL DO IT MYSELF.

MURRAY, WOULDN'T YOU THINK A PARENT
COULD TELL HER OWN CHILD THE FACTS OF LIFE?

I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE
TO DO IT UNTIL IT WAS MY CHILD!

OH, MARY, DON'T LET IT WORRY
YOU. IT'S REALLY NOTHING.

YEAH, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
LIKE WITH US AND OUR KID.

NOW, WE DECIDED TO TELL HIM EARLY, YOU
KNOW, BEFORE HE GOT ANY WRONG IDEAS.

SO WE JUST SAT HIM DOWN AND TOLD
HIM STRAIGHTFORWARDLY AND FACTUALLY.

- AND THAT WAS THAT.
- WHAT DID HE SAY?

HE SAID HE'D RATHER
HAVE A HORSEY.

MAYBE WE TOLD HIM TOO EARLY.

TED, JUST OUT OF
MORBID CURIOSITY,

AND BECAUSE I HAPPEN TO
HAVE A BIZARRE SENSE OF HUMOR,

HOW DID YOU FIRST HEAR ABOUT IT?

- HEAR ABOUT WHAT, MURRAY?
- ABOUT SEX.

WELL, I DON'T UNDERSTAND. DOES THIS HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO WITH MY DATE LAST NIGHT?

NO, NO. HE MEANS HOW DID
YOU FIRST FIND OUT ABOUT IT?

OH! WELL, I READ A BOOK.

IT TOLD ME EVERYTHING
I NEEDED TO KNOW.

GOD'S LITTLE ACRE.

[ Murray Laughs ] THERE SEEMS TO BE A
LOT OF CONVERSATION IN THIS ROOM.

BUT I DON'T HEAR ANY
TYPING GOING ON OUT HERE.

COULD I HEAR A LITTLE TYPING?
SORRY, MR. GRANT. IT'S MY FAULT.

OH, THAT'S TOO BAD. I WAS
HOPING IT WAS HIS FAULT.

IT WASN'T MY FAULT,
LOU. IT WASN'T MY FAULT.

SO, WHAT'S THE SUBJECT?

FACTS OF LIFE AND
HOW TO TELL SOMEBODY.

IS THIS SOME DATE
OF YOURS? I COULD...

NO, MR. GRANT.

- IT'S NOT YOU?
- NO, IT'S NOT ME.

- BECAUSE I FIGURED YOU'D KNOW...
- I DO. I KNOW.

IT'S A LITTLE GIRL THAT I KNOW.

MR. GRANT, YOU'VE GOT THREE
DAUGHTERS? HOW DID YOU HANDLE IT?

EASIEST THING IN THE WORLD.
MOST NATURAL THING I EVER DID.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

WELL, I SIMPLY GATHERED
THE FAMILY AROUND ME,

AND I SAID, "KIDS, YOUR MOTHER'S
GONNA TELL YOU ALL ABOUT SEX NOW."

AND I LEFT.

MARY, WHAT'S THE DATE TODAY?

UH, OCTOBER 23.

OCTOBER 23.

THE DAY MY LITTLE BESS DISCOVERS
THE MEANING OF BEING A WOMAN.

OCTOBER 23.

NO, UH... NO, WAIT. I
THINK IT'S THE 24TH.

OCTOBER 23 OR 24.

THE DAY MY LITTLE BESS DISCOVERS
THE MEANING OF BEING A WOMAN.

OH, MARY... I THINK
I'M GOING TO CRY.

OH, I'M SO EMBARRASSED.

OH, WELL, PHYL, DON'T
BE EMBARRASSED.

IF YOU WANT TO CRY, JUST
GO RIGHT AHEAD AND CRY.

OH, MARY, THANK YOU.

WELL, LOOK, PHYL, DON'T FEEL
CALLED UPON TO CRY, YOU KNOW?

IT'S JUST THERE FOR YOU
TO DO IF YOU, UH, CARE TO.

MARY, BE FRANK.

DO YOU THINK I'M COPPING
OUT NOT TELLING BESS MYSELF?

YES. BUT, PHYL, IF YOU CAN'T TELL
HER, THEN YOU JUST CAN'T TELL HER.

GOOD MORNING, TEAM.

HAS EVERYBODY GOT THEIR BIRDS
AND BEES SWEATSHIRTS ON TODAY?

- OH, RHODA!
- OH, RELAX. DON'T WORRY, PHYLLIS.

I'M NOT GONNA SAY ANYTHING.
I'M JUST AUDITING THIS COURSE.

HI, AUNT MARY. HI, BESS.

WELL, IT'S OCTOBER 23... OR 24.

THE DAY I GO SHOPPING.

GOOD-BYE, PHYLLIS.
GOOD-BYE, BESS.

GOOD-BYE, PHYLLIS!
GOOD-BYE, MARY.

GOOD-BYE, RHODA.

WELL, ARE YOU...
HUNGRY OR ANYTHING?

NO, THANKS. I JUST ATE. IS
IT OKAY IF I JUST WATCH TV?

WELL, UH... WHAT, NOW?

WELL, IT'S JUST THAT ALL THE GREAT
PROGRAMS ARE ON ON SATURDAY MORNING.

YOU KNOW, THE NONEDUCATIONAL
ONES THAT PHYLLIS KILLS ME IF I WATCH.

OH, YEAH. ON SATURDAY MORNING
THEY HAVE THAT TERRIFIC DR. SLIME.

- OH, THEY CANCELLED DR. SLIME.
- OH, NO. YOU'RE KIDDING.

THEY CANCELLED THE DOC?
MARY, GET ME A CRAYON.

I'M WRITING THAT SPONSOR.

LISTEN, UM, BESS, MAYBE LATER...

UH, LATER ON WE
COULD WATCH SOME TV.

RIGHT NOW, THERE ARE
A COUPLE OF THINGS...

THAT I WANTED TO
TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

OKAY, SURE.

YOU-YOU KNOW, BESS,
I WAS THINKING THAT...

WELL, YOU'RE REALLY AT
A GREAT AGE, YOU KNOW?

IT'S BEFORE YOU GET INTO
THE WHOLE WORLD OF DATING,

UH, BUT AFTER YOU'VE STARTED
TO LOOK AROUND AND NOTICE BOYS.

EXCUSE ME, AUNT
MARY. YES, DARLING?

WELL, I DON'T WANT TO
INTERRUPT YOU OR ANYTHING,

BUT ARE YOU LEADING UP TO
TELLING ME ABOUT LOVE AND STUFF?

WELL, YES.

OH, GOOD. WELL, 'CAUSE I TRIED ASKING
PHYLLIS, BUT YOU KNOW HOW SHE IS.

I KNOW, DARLING. AND THAT'S WHY
SHE ASKED ME TO TELL YOU ABOUT SEX.

SEX? I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GONNA TELL ME ABOUT LOVE.

I ALREADY KNOW ALL ABOUT SEX.

- YOU-YOU DO?
- SURE. SINCE LAST MARCH.

ALICE ANN MOTT TOLD ME
WHILE WE WERE ICE SKATING.

AT FIRST I DIDN'T BELIEVE HER, BUT
STEPHANIE WEITZER BACKED HER UP.

SO WE ALL TALKED IT OVER AND TOOK
A VOTE ON IT AND VOTED IT WAS TRUE.

OH, I'M SO GLAD. FOR ITS SAKE.

WELL, ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?

WELL, SEX I KNOW ABOUT.

BUT THE WHOLE THING ABOUT
LOVE, WELL, THAT I GOTTA KNOW.

'CAUSE OF HOWIE. THE
BOY I GO WITH, HOWIE.

HE'S CAPTAIN OF THE
EIGHTH-GRADE RAIDERS.

HE'S THE SMARTEST
BOY IN OUR WHOLE CLASS.

HE SHAVES ONCE A
WEEK. HE'S REALLY CUTE.

IS HE MARRIED?

SORRY. FORCE OF HABIT.

WELL, ANYWAYS, AUNT
MARY, HE LOVES ME.

BUT THE THING IS, I DON'T KNOW IF
I WANT TO LOVE HIM BACK OR NOT.

WELL, BESS, YOU DON'T HAVE TO
LOVE HIM BACK IF YOU DON'T FEEL IT.

WELL, I KIND OF FEEL
IT, BUT... BUT WHAT?

WELL, EVERYBODY SAYS THAT
LOVE AND SEX GO TOGETHER, RIGHT?

WELL, YES.

SO IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE...

DO YOU... DO
YOU... OH, BESS, NO!

OF COURSE NOT!

OH, SWEETHEART, IS THAT
WHAT YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT?

UH-HUH. YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE
TO THINK ABOUT THAT FOR A WHILE.

NO, DARLING, YOU ARE
ALLOWED TO LOVE SOMEONE...

AND NOT EVEN BE CONCERNED
ABOUT THE OTHER THING. REALLY?

SURE. JUST LOOK AT ANY COUPLE
WHO'S BEEN MARRIED TEN YEARS.

RHODA! WHAT?

OH, AUNT MARY, I'M SO GLAD,
BECAUSE HE REALLY IS NICE.

AND IT'LL BE SO NICE TO
BE ABLE TO LOVE HIM BACK.

AUNT MARY? YES, DARLING?

CAN I WATCH TV
NOW? YES, YOU MAY.

[ Chuckles ] WELL, HOW'D I DO?

OH, MARY, GREAT.
INSPIRED, EVEN. THANK YOU.

LISTEN, THERE WERE REALLY
SOME GOOD THOUGHTS IN THERE.

YEAH? YEAH,
SEPARATING SEX AND LOVE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU DID FOR THE
KID, BUT I THINK YOU JUST CHANGED MY LIFE.

WHOO-HOO! MARY? HI.

MARY, HOW DID IT GO?

IT WENT FINE. JUST FINE.

- IT-IT WASN'T TRAUMATIC
FOR HER OR ANYTHING?
- NO, NO, PHYLLIS.

I THINK BESS HAS A VERY NICE
PICTURE OF THE WHOLE THING.

OH, GOOD. OH, I THINK I'LL
GO TELL HER MYSELF NOW.

UH, PHYL, SHE ALREADY KNOWS.

OH, I KNOW. BUT NOW THAT
THE ICE HAS BEEN BROKEN,

I THINK IT WOULD BE A
NICE MEMORY FOR HER...

TO HEAR IT FROM HER
VERY OWN MOTHER.

WHATEVER YOU THINK IS BEST.

I KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT I'M GOING TO SAY.

I'M GOING TO MAKE
IT SOUND BEAUTIFUL...

AND SPIRITUAL AND ETHEREAL.

I'LL MAKE IT SOUND ALMOST TRUE.

[ Mews ]