Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 1, Episode 7 - Toulouse-Lautrec Is One of My Favorite Artists - full transcript

With less than an hour to air time, Ted calls in sick with the flu. Murray has to fill in as the substitute anchor until Ted recovers, but one of Ted's other jobs for this specific evening falls to Mary, who will be the stand-in double interviewer for their news magazine show "Scrutiny", with the editors to splice in Ted as interviewer later. Mary first meets the evening's guest, best selling author Eric Matthews, when she arrives at the seated set. Following the interview, Mary has no hesitation in accepting a date with Eric since she finds him attractive, intelligent and funny. It isn't until they rise to leave the set that Mary starts to have some apprehension as Eric is a good four inches shorter than she is, more if she is wearing heels. After their date, Mary's belief about Eric's attractiveness, intelligence and humor is strengthened, but all she can think about is how short he is. Mary is able to place their relationship in proper context after he asks her to read his latest manuscript.

# How will you make it on your own #

# This world is awfully big #

# And, girl
this time you're all alone #

# But it's time you started living #

# It's time you let someone else
do some giving #

# Love is all around #

# No need to waste it #

# You can have the town
Why don't you take it #

# You might just make it #

# After all #

# You might just make it after all ##

Tomorrow the weather will be clear.

And now, to top off this edition
of the 6:00 News.

My story.

A lady in Philadelphia lost her dog.
She went to the pound and found it.

Once she got home,
she found she had the wrong dog.

The woman, who didn't know
one dog from another, was...

a vegetarian.


That's probably somebody calling
to ask us to explain what Ted just said.

Oh, hi, Rhoda.

I'm sorry I'm late.
I got hung up here.

Did you think of a movie
for us to see?

No, don't pick me up. I wanna come home
first. I'll try to think of a movie.

- Bye-bye.
- Go see the new John Wayne picture.

- Is it good?
- They're all good. I never miss a one.

Why's that, Lou?
Do you identify with John Wayne?

That's it.

Wayne gets teed off at somebody,

he hits him or shoots him.

I get teed off at somebody,
all I can do is write a memo.

Like this one!

But, Lou...

You wanna see a good movie?
See Son of Flubber.

You can't go wrong
with a Disney movie.

- Know what my favorite Disney movie is?
- Snow White?

Right! Hey, who can name
all seven dwarfs? I can.

Lou, how about you? Murr?

- Lou, you wanna grab a hamburger?
- No.

I don't eat meat.
I'm a veterinarian.

Rhoda! What are you doing here?

I got tired of waiting up in my place,
so I came down here.

Listen, I'm sorry I'm late.
What's the matter with your leg?

This is the lotus position,
a yoga exercise.

It helps a person
achieve an inner peace.

It'll just take me
a minute to change.

Rhoda, aren't both legs supposed to
be up when you're in the lotus position?

Only fanatics use both legs.

- Hey, can you get that?
- Huh? Oh, sure.

Hey, Mary, I can't, hon!



Phyllis, hang on a second.


Yeah, Phyllis?

Well, I tell you,
I was just about to go out to a...

Well, all right, I'll wait.

I knew I should've met you at work.

Don't tell her we're going to the movies
or she'll want to come along.

- And you'll let her.
- She sounded kind of frantic.

Sure. She's frantic we might
go to a movie without her.


- Hi, Phyllis.
- Something's come up.

I wondered if you could
take care of Bess for a few days.

- Oh? What is it?
- It's Lars, Mary.

He's contracted a case of varicella
from one of his patients.

What's that?

Lars is in the
incubation period, and I'm immune, so...

Chicken pox!

That's what that quack's got!
Chicken pox!

I really wouldn't ask you
if it weren't an emergency, Mary.

You said varicella,
but it's plain old, mundane chicken pox.

- Rhoda, would you please...
- A kid's disease!

Rhoda, please!
Phyllis, don't misunderstand this.

Are you sure that Bess wants to
stay with me? She's not crazy about me.

Mary, it's time Bess found out
that life is no bed of roses.

Milk, butter, jelly...

- Hi.
- Bess'll be up in a second.

These are the books.

- The books?
- Yeah, on creative child-rearing.

I know some people find it amusing that
I insist on raising Bess from these,

but the men and women
who wrote them are experts,

and the people who laugh aren't.

Besides, Bess thinks these books
show a lot of insight.

Bess has read these?

- Yes. Why? Does that surprise you?
- Well, yeah.

- She's just a little girl.
- Wrong.

"She's just a little girl"?
Uh, chapter six.

"The adult who says of a child
'She's just a little girl'...

is clearly showing her ignorance."

Well, what do I know?

She's going to be here in a second,
so I ought to prepare you for something.

- Oh? What?
- Something she does when she's angry.

- I ignore it. I wish you would too.
- W- What?

Mother's coming, Bess.

No, Mother is not coming until Mary
finds out what it is that Bess does.

She wears my wig and makeup.

Mary will be doing
the very best she can, Bess.

We can't expect too much of her.

Remember, Mother and Father
love their Bess.

And Mary... likes her.

Well, here we are.

Uh, have you had dinner?

Phyllis burned it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- Why? You didn't burn it.
- Well, no.

It's just when you try something and
it doesn't turn out, it's disappointing.

Well, it doesn't bother Phyllis.

Do you always
call your mother Phyllis?

It's her name.

Yeah, I know,
but when I was a little girl...

w- when I was a young person,

I, uh, I always called my mother Mother.
I still do.

I mean, I never even think
of calling her...

Marge! That's what it is.

It's Marge.

Did Phyllis
show you these books?

Uh, yeah. I haven't had a chance
to really get into 'em yet.

Well, I think you ought to. This
isn't going particularly well so far.


Uh, do you like having
all that makeup on your face?

- Yes. Do you?
- I think it makes you look awful.



Uh, Bess, what are you...
what are you doing?

- Mary?
- Aah!

Bess forgot this.
She likes her milk in it.

How's everything going so far?

Don't answer.
I know everything's great. Where is she?

- Well, uh, she's, uh...
- Locked herself in the bathroom, huh?

Well, yes.

You said something
without looking in the book first.

- Well, yes.
- What did you say?

Uh, well, I told her
I thought the makeup looked awful.

- And now you're trying to get her out.
- Yes. Could you help me?

- Of course I'm going to help you.
- Good.

Here. Chapter eight.

"Right of Privacy."

Uh, Bess,

"l-I respect your right of privacy.

I don't mind
your locking the door."

Uh, r-really, l-I don't.

And, um...

"I am always eager to participate
in a free and open discussion...

of whatever it is
that's bothering you."


Really, l-I am.

You might have to burn your washcloth.
It's got gunk all over it.

I recognize those quotes. They're
right from the books, aren't they?

Uh, well, yeah, they are.

Hey, what do you say
we forget the books...

and talk about what fun
we can have tomorrow?

How about that? I'm not working.
You and I could go shopping.

- What for?
- Nothing.

You don't have to buy anything
when you shop.

And that's kinda nice, because if you
know you're not gonna buy anything,

you don't have to wonder
whether or not you can afford it.

What can I do for you now,
Aunt Mary?

- Why don't you go get the mail.
- Okay.

I'll get it!

Hi, Aunt Rhoda!
I'm going to get the mail.

But if you haven't had breakfast yet,
set a place for yourself.

Who was that nice,
short little person?

That's my roomie.

I can't believe it, Mary.
What happened?

You know something?
She's really just a nice little...

just a nice little girl.

- How?
- How what?

- Did you do it?
- I didn't do anything.

Well, all right, maybe I did.

Hey, Rhoda, have you ever wondered
what kind of mother you'd be?

I don't care,
as long as it's not unwed.

Well, I've always wondered.

And you know what?

I think I'm gonna be fantastic!

- Don't you think?
- I think you threatened her life.

- Oh...
- Morning, all!

- Hi.
- Everything is beautiful.

Guess what. Lars was in error
when he thought he had varicella.

Chicken pox!

All he has is Rhus diversiloba.

- Translation, please.
- Poison oak.

Hi, Phyllis!

Get your things, dear.
Mother's here to take you home.

I don't want to go home.

- What?
- I don't want to go home.


She doesn't mean that.
As soon as you get her home...

Oh, no, no, no,
I wouldn't force her, Mary.

We encourage her independence.

If this is where
she wants to be...

This is where you want
to be, is it, Bess?

- Uh, but, Phyllis...
- No, no, Mary, you don't understand.

If Bess wants this...
This is what you want, Bess?

Well, it's obviously
her wish to stay here.

Is it your wish, Bess?

Then... this is
where she'll stay.

Oh, hi, Mary. Come in, love.

Uh, Phyllis, listen,
I just feel awful about this.

About what?

Well, about what Bess said.

I mean, I think she meant she just
wanted to stay with me for breakfast.

Oh, no. She meant she wanted
to stay with you forever.

No, Phyllis,
I'm sure she didn't.

Oh, but she did, love.
You're gay and young and unencumbered.

Not like me, the old drudge who cooks
her meals, mends her tattered clothes.

- Of course she wants to stay with you.
- No, she doesn't!

But she does, dear. For now.

Maybe in a week or two she'll
become bored. Not with you, of course.

Maybe less than a week.

Honestly, Phyllis, I don't know
how you can be so calm about this.

I mean, if my daughter...

Should you ever
be so fortunate...

as to become a wife...

and then mother a child
like my Bess.

- Trust me, Mary.
- Well, okay.

l... But, boy, Phyllis, I really...

Trust me.

All right, all right.

Oh, uh, Phyllis, l...

I hate to ask this.

- I've never had to ask the question.
- Ask anything.

Uh, Phyllis,
I've got a date tonight.

Could you baby-sit?

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
This is Ted Baxter with the 6:00 News.

So far, so good.

It was disclosed today that Deputy
Defense Minister 'Nay-guy-en' Banwat..."

- Nguyen Banwat.
- Nguyen Banwat.

- " Met last week with 'Lanole'...
- Lon Nol!

at a top secret enclave
near Phno... Phnom Penh."

Whatever happened to the good old days
when they had wars in England?

You'd find a way
to mispronounce "London".

Mr. Grant asked me
to remind you...

it's Richard Milhouse Nixon,
not "Milhorse".

- Hi!
- Bess, hi. What are you doing here?

I thought I'd meet you
and go home with you.

Well, okay, but it's very busy, so you
just sit over here and stay put, huh?

- Uh, Ted, this is Bess.
- Hi, Bess.

Hi. You're the anchorman,
aren't you?

Nice child.

Mary, we've got film
on the Florida bank robbery.

Put another lead
on an idiot card for Ted.

They're cue cards, Lou.

I don't know why everyone feels
compelled to call cue cards idiot cards.

We just have trouble
thinking of you as a cue.

Mary! Mar...

- Have I got an appointment with you?
- Uh-uh.

- Then what are you doing there?
- I'm waiting.

We're all waitin', kid.

Did you forget that lead
on the diet pills?

Yeah, I got it.

I have an idea for you while
you're waiting. Draw a picture.

- I can't draw anything but flowers.
- Well, then draw flowers.

I'm so tired of drawing flowers.
I've been drawing them since I was four.

Ah, well, then look.
A horse is easy.

Say, Mary,
that's a nice horsie.

Thank you, Ted.

Mary, where are the idiot cards?

Cue cards, Lou, please.
Cue cards.

Excuse me, Ted.

Mary, would you please give
those cue cards to this idiot?

- What's that?
- A horsie!

That's nice.
That's nice, Teddy.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm waiting for Mary.

- You want something to do?
- Uh-huh.

Do you like to recite in school?

- Yeah.
- Okay, repeat after me.

- Nguyen Banwat.
- Nguyen Banwat.

- Phnom Penh.
- Phnom Penh.

- Richard Milhouse Nixon.
- Richard Milhouse Nixon.

Good. How'd you like
to be the anchorkid?

But for now, make some notes...

about the newsroom and write
a composition for school.

- Okay.
- Good girl.

Murray, see if you can do this
in five lines or less.

- What's your name, please?
- Lou.

- What do you do here?
- I'm the boss.

Thank you.


- How's it going?
- Fine.

- Yes, sir?
- Who's the kid?

- Well, that's kind of a long story.
- How can it be a long story?

I say, "Who's the kid?"
You say, "SallyJones." Who's the kid?

- Bess.
- That wasn't too long.

She's the daughter
of my downstairs neighbors.

But now she's staying
with me and, uh...

You may not have noticed,

but I never cuss when
there are kids in the newsroom.

Yes, I noticed. I want you to know I
appreciate your watching your language.

I don't like
to watch my language.

I don't like having kids
in the newsroom.

I mean, I'd like
to cuss right now...

because that kid's out there.

But I can't cuss
because that kid's out there.

Do I make myself clear?

I think so.
You'd like to cuss. Is that it?

Yes! Very much.

Oh, well, then, uh,
I'll get her out of there.

Good! I feel a cuss coming on.

This is too good to waste.

Send Ted Baxter in here.

Boy, I really like where you work,
Mary. It sure is a lot of fun.

What do we do tonight?

Well, uh, we could talk about
what we're gonna have for dinner.

What about TV dinners?

- We don't have any.
- But I could go out and get some.

That'll give you some time to figure out
whatever's got you so... uptight.

- That's a good idea.
- Okay.

- I'll walk slow.
- Okay.

- And charge it to my account.
- Okay.

- Hi, Aunt Rhoda.
- Hi, kid.

Hey, Mary, I know you still have this
thing to straighten out with Phyllis,

but I've got a problem.

It's sort of pressing.

I need $40 to pay a fine
or I'll get arrested.

- A traffic fine?
- No. I fed a buffalo.

Yeah, sure you did, Rhoda.

Really! I went to the zoo
on my lunch hour.

Anyway, you know I've always
been a sucker for buffaloes.

You know those signs that say,
"Don't feed the buffalo"?

I fed the buffalo. They really
fine you for that, if they catch you.

- Rhoda, what did you feed him?
- Low-fat prune yogurt.

You know something, Mary?

That buffalo's gonna have
some nice figure.

- Can you spare the 40?
- Yeah, I think I can.

- What's happening with dizzy Phyllis?
- Nothing.

She's still trying to act
as though nothing was wrong.

And I just don't know
how to get through to her.

- I'm gonna have to, though, aren't I?
- Yeah.

It's either that or start saving up
to put the kid through college.

- In addition to paying for my buffalo.
- Yes. I'll write you a check.

I couldn't look at you, knowing
how you feel, and take money from you.

I'll pick it up later.

I brought Bess
a little cabbage soup.

No offense. I know you're a wonderful
cook and you're feeding her well.

- Where is she?
- Uh, she's out buying TV dinners.

Oh. Well, I just dropped by to see what
time you wanted me to baby-sit tonight.

Phyllis, sit down, will you.

I was, uh, just calling you
to tell you that, uh,

I think everything
is kinda crazy around here,

and it's gonna get even crazier
if you don't do something.

- What's your problem, Mary?
- It's not my problem, Phyllis.

It's yours. Bess.

We've been all over that.
It's just a phase Bess is in.

I think Bess would want to come home
if you'd just show her you miss her.

Why don't you come right out and say it?
You think I'm a lousy mother.

No, I don't, Phyllis.

I'll tell you exactly what I think.

I think... l...

What are you trying to say?

I'm trying to think of
a nice way to say...

that I... think
you're a lousy mother.

Well, Miss Daughter-Snatcher,

let me tell you something.

I have read all the books...

and I feel that l-I'm...

What are you doing
wearing my love beads?

Bess made these for me.

Can you beat that?

She's made you the same beads
she made for me.

She loves you.
She wants you to be her mother.

Oh, Phyllis...

- W- What is it?
- Bess.

She saw me crying.

- She'll hate me for being weak.
- Hate you?

Oh, Phyllis, listen.

Look, you and I have been good friends
for a long time, right?

Well, not so good as you think.

I mean, it's because you come on
so darn strong all the time.

Well, I like you so much better
when you come on weak.

And if I feel this way, imagine
how Bess felt when she saw you just now.

Well, why imagine?
I'm gonna go get her.

- Mary?
- Yeah?

Should I keep crying?

It wouldn't hurt.

Phyllis, do you know where
Mary left a check for me?

I got fined
for feeding a buffalo.

Oh, well, look, there's no need to get
that upset. It's all taken care of.

You're an incredibly sympathetic
person! Do you know that?

My goodness.

I'd better get outta here.
I think I'm depressing you.

If the zoo was half as sympathetic as
you are, I wouldn't need the 40 bucks.

Mary, whatever you do,
don't mention the buffalo.

Phyllis, Bess went home.

- Home?
- Home.

I just talked to her.
You know what she said?

Well, it was just so touching. She
looked up at me and she said, "Uh-huh."

She said, "Uh-huh"?

I don't know what that means, Mary.

Well, you had to be there.

She said "Uh-huh" after I said,

"Bess, are you here because you know
your mother needs you?"

And she said, "Uh-huh"?


Oh, Mary,

this isn't much, but thank you.

You're gonna make
a wonderful mother.

I know.


Oh, isn't this silence lovely?

Mary, I love movies, but not the kiddie
show at 10:00 a.m. on a Saturday.

Yeah, but Bess wanted to treat us,
so how could we refuse?

Anyway, it was so nice seeing
Phyllis and Bess laughing together.

I see what you're getting at.
Phyllis and Bess laughing together.

The world has a nice, big, pink
Mary Richards bow around it. Is that it?

Well, yeah. Something like that.

Let me tell you something. That Phyllis
is still a crazy lady. She's wacko.

She's taking that kid
to the movies again tonight.

So? That's great.

They're going to see
Myra Breckinridge.


I'm kidding.
Anybody would know I'm kidding.

But not you.
You believe everything.

Mary, you're the most
gullible person I ever met.

They don't call you
Rhoda the kidder for nothing.

You are gullible.

- I am not. I was kidding you.
- You were not.