Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 1, Episode 5 - Keep Your Guard Up - full transcript

Frank Carelli, an old, casual acquaintance-in-passing of Lou's, stops by the newsroom to see him. Lou can barely remember him and brushes him off. Frank was once a second string pro football player, and not a very good second stringer at that. He has ulterior motives for visiting Lou as he's heard Lou is holding auditions for a new sportscaster. Frank wants the job to get out from selling insurance which is what he now does for a living and which he hates. Mary and Rhoda befriend Frank, who they learn, in part from listening to his audio-taped memoirs, is a sad sack of a man who doesn't know what he can do with his life. He wants the sportscasting job more because it is one of the few things he sees that an ex-pro athlete is supposed to do following the end of his athletic career. Mary and Rhoda, and even Murray, try to help Frank get the job, which they really know he is not well suited to. Mary and Rhoda also try to get him to focus on striving for what he really wants in life, and not just what he expects an ex-second string pro football player should do.

♪ How will you make it
on your own ♪

♪ This world is awfully big ♪

♪ And, girl
this time you're all alone ♪

♪ But it's time
you started living ♪

♪ It's time you let someone else
do some giving ♪

♪ Love is all around ♪

♪ No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You might just make it ♪

♪ After all ♪

♪ You might just make it
after all ♪

Mary, come in here
and help me look!

It's not on my desk.
I'm sure I left it in here.

Well, I can't find it,
and I need it right now.

Why don't you go over there
and sit down and let me look for it.

- Really, I'm good at finding things.
- All right.

That's not the way to look!

This is the way to look.

You look through that,
and I'll look through this.

- You look through the wastebasket.
- I always get the glamour job.

- When did you last see it?
- See what?

Whatever it is
we're looking for.

If it's gum,
I just found it.

- It's the Eric Matthews interview.
- Who's Eric Matthews?

He's that guy who wrote that
best-seller... Are Men Obsolete.

- Ted has an interview with him.
- Yeah, for The Scrutiny Show.

Our spontaneous and unrehearsed look
at people who make the news.

If we don't find that script, Ted goes
in there spontaneous and unrehearsed.

That's bad.

Mr. Grant's office.

- I'm not here.
- He heard you say you're not here.

- Who is it?
- It's Ted.

- Where is he?
- Ted, where are you?

You're supposed to be here taping
the Eric Matthews... What did you say?

- What did he say?
- "Gotta foo huna four"?

- "Gotta foo huna four"?
- That sounds like Ted.

Ted, I can't understand...

Ted, do you have something
in your mouth? A "memomener"?

A thermometer. You've got the flu
and a temperature of 104.

Oh, Ted.

Just tell him to stay in bed and take
it easy. We'll figure something out.

- Don't worry. We have a standby.
- Who?


What's so strange about that?
I was in radio.

Only, my hair went out
about the time TV came in.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

This is Murray L. Slaughter
substituting for Ted Baxter.

Welcome to Scrutiny.

- Tonight's guest is Eric Matthews...
- Murray?

That's what we've been looking for.
Where'd you find it?

- I just picked it up.
- Oh, never mind where you find it.

- Go down and tape that interview.
- Are you kidding?

Look, it's ten after 5:00 now.
At 6:00 I'm making my TV debut.

That gives me less than an hour to
check the wires, write my own copy...

and get a hair transplant.

Mary, you're gonna
have to interview Matthews.

Me? Oh, no, Mr. Grant.

I don't think
I could do that.

I mean, I'm not ready to...
Not that I'm not flattered.

It's just that to go
on camera in-in front of...

Will you calm down?

I didn't mean
you'd go on the air.

I mean you'd go down
to the studio,

read the questions to Matthews
while we tape him.

Then when Ted's better,
we tape him asking the questions.

And then you take me out
and edit him in later.

- Right.
- Oh, well.

I think I could do that.

That'll probably be
a lot of fun.

Check that mike. Harry,
we'll start camera two on Matthews.

- Tom, I'm substituting for Ted.
- Right.

- Sit down so we can line you up?
- Okay.

Put camera three on Mary.

- Excuse me.
- We'll tape in two minutes, Mary.

- Uh, Mr. Matthews?
- Where am I?

Uh, you're in the studio.

- Yeah, what city?
- Minneapolis.

Oh, well.

- Thank you.
- Hi.

I'm sorry. I've been on this tour
promoting my book so long...

- All the cities are running together.
- Oh, really?

Like for instance, the other day I was
sitting in my hotel room in Newark...

Iooking out the window
at the beautiful view,

and I realized if it was
a beautiful view it couldn't be Newark.

- It must really be exhausting.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

18 cities in 24 days. Being interviewed
by guys who've never read the book.

- Whose first question is always...
- Will you tell us about your book?


And then...
"What gave you the idea to write it?"

- Yeah, inane questions like that.
- Right.

Well, that takes care of the first
two questions I was gonna ask you.

Then, the questions are rather good.
It's just my answers are dumb.


- Ted.
- Oh, no. No, no. That's not my Ted.

- I mean, I'm... I'm not Ted Baxter.
- Oh, no.

- But you knew that already.
- Yeah, I figured.

I'm Mary Richards. I'm the associate
producer on the show. Ted is sick.

So, I will ask you the questions
he would have asked you.

Then later they'll take
me out and edit him in.

Oh. I'm sorry Ted's sick.
We were supposed to go out afterwards.

I got an idea, though.

Uh, why don't I take you out
afterwards and we can edit Ted in later?

Stand by for air.

- How 'bout dinner?
- We'll talk about that later.

- Okay.
- In two!

Good evening
and welcome to Scrutiny.

I'm Ted Baxter.

And tonight...

- Have you written other books?
- Three others, but they didn't do well.

Why did this book do so well
and the others didn't?

Well, in the first place,
this one got published.

Can you tell me... when did you
first begin to think...

that Are Men Obsolete
was gonna be a best-seller?

When I saw that they'd put
a picture of a naked lady on the cover.

Well, I see our time is up.

Our thanks to Eric Matthews.

This is Ted Baxter.

And we'll be back
next week with Scrutiny.

Wait a minute. I'd like to ask you
a question, if I may.

- When are we gonna go to dinner?
- We'll talk about that later.

- When?
- Over dinner.

- And cut!
- Tom, I'm sorry about this last part.

Don't worry, Mary. It's only tape.
We'll cut it out later.

Okay, fellas,
it's a wrap.

- Okay, where should we go for dinner?
- I know of a cute little place...

Oh, gee, I had
a great time tonight.

You know, usually a date means
dinner or the movies or something.

- But, tonight was really different.
- How different?

Building a snowman in front of the
Women's Lib headquarters is different.

Yeah. I thought they'd get
a kick out of watching him melt.

- You have a nice little apartment.
- Thank you.

- I see you've won your letter.
- Yeah.

- Would you like some coffee?
- Oh, no, thanks.

I love that print.
I've got that at home.

- How 'bout some brandy?
- Oh, no, thank you.

- Cigarette?
- No, thanks. I don't smoke.

Even before all the new evidence about
smoking came out, I never did.

I was always afraid
it would stunt my...


You know something?
I think I'm gonna quit smoking.

Good for you!
That shows you got real willpower.

Nope, I'm out of cigarettes.

Did I make it?

No, you're short.

Gee, tonight was great, Eric,
the whole evening...

the dinner, the snowman,
the art museum.

You got a nice collection here...
Matisse, Van Gogh.

My favorite artist,

- What's... What's that?
- Huh?

It's my pillow to sit on.
Height, you know.

On these TV tours, you never know
what you're gonna run into.

Not every television studio has
nice tall chairs like you.

- There are none in here.
- What?

Cigarettes. I decided
to take up smoking again.

- Is there a drugstore around?
- Yeah, just down the street.

- About two doors.
- Okay.

- I'll be back in a couple of minutes.
- Okay.

Where's Harpo and Chico?

I, uh... I, uh...

I was just, um,
walking funny.

Just, uh, been walking funny all night.
I don't know what's gotten into me.

- Where you been, Mar?
- Out on a date.

- How was it?
- Well, I don't know. It's not over yet.

I don't know how to break it
to you, but you're all alone.

Yeah, well, he's gonna
be back any second.

- Rhoda, could I ask a big favor?
- Sure. What?

- Please go.
- Can't I meet him?

- No!
- Is he somebody I'm going out with?

- Mary, you don't have to sneak around.
- Would you just listen?

Mary, please. Do I have to figure out
what's wrong with this guy,

or are you gonna tell me why
you don't want me to meet him?

All right, I'll tell you why
I don't want you to meet him.

It's because of this.

I understand.

He needs it because
he's very short.

What's he do,
stand on it?

That's why I don't want you to meet him.
You'll say something like that.

Thanks a lot. You really think I'd make
a derogatory remark about a person...

just because he's a shrimp?

Do you see what I mean?

Ah, the drugstore was closed,
so I guess I'll quit smoking again.

Hi. Got a cigarette?

Eric, I'd like you to meet
my friend, Rhoda Morgenstern.

Rhoda, this is Eric Shrimp.

Oh, good one, Mary.

Just put the eye makeup
on your mouth.

That's because you're upset.

You know how I know you're upset? Not
because you put mascara your mouth.

'Cause you're talking to yourself.
You wanna watch that, kid.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- So how'd it go last night?
- Rhoda, what's the matter with me?

Eric is intelligent,
he's funny, he's good looking.

- And short.
- Very short.

You know what I am?

I found out something about myself
that's pretty upsetting.

- I'm a height bigot.
- My best friend, a bigot.

Right. Why else would I
be so hung up about height?

Last night, I kept telling myself
about all his great qualities.

Yet all I could think
about was...

He asked me to go out
with him tomorrow night. I lied.

I said I was busy
just because he's short.

- My father's short.
- It didn't bother your mother, did it?

Bother her?
She's the one who made him short.

He was over six feet
when they got married.

Go ahead. Joke about it if you want,
but I just don't think I can.

I don't think it's funny
to be a bigot.

I'm gonna do something
about it right now.

I don't think you can
turn yourself in for that.

Eric Matthews, please.

I'm gonna go out with him,
and I'm gonna wear high heels.

I am gonna stand up straight and not
think about being taller than he is.

I hope he takes me dancing.
Hello, Eric?

And so ladies
and gentlemen, until tomorrow.

This is Murray L. Slaughter,
substituting for Ted Baxter,

saying good news
and... good night.

Hey, fellas,
how was I?

Hey, Lou.
Catch the news?

- Uh-huh.
- How'd I do?

Well, you know me, Murray. I don't go
around passing out idle compliments.

I wouldn't say you were great
if I didn't think so.

Hey, Lou, what about that new feature
I put in..."Animals in the News"?

Oh, yeah, I wanted
to speak to you about that.

- Yes?
- Don't do it again.

Mary, when the people found out I was
doing the news, we got a lot of calls.

- Right?
- Uh, well, one.

One call.
Well, who was it?

It was Ted calling to find out if he had
a lot of calls because he wasn't here.

Keep up the fair work, Murray.

Hey, Lou, I wanna talk to you
about that animal feature.

- Hi, Mary.
- Hi, Eric. I'll be right with you.

Sorry I'm late. I just got this jacket
and wanted them to take the emblem off.

- It's beautiful. Where'd you get it?
- Robertsons.

They have
a marvelous men's shop.

Yeah? I got this
at the boy's department.

- Well, where we going tonight?
- The Stop 'N' Save.

- That's a supermarket.
- Right.

I'm a great cook and I wanted
to watch that interview we did.

- So I wanted to cook dinner for you.
- Sounds marvelous.

- Let's go.
- Even if it's from the boys department.

- It's a great-looking jacket.
- Thank you.

- Why'd you take the emblem off?
- It was a ducky.

Tell me, Eric.
When did you first think...

that Are Men Obsolete
might be a best-seller?

When I saw that they'd put a picture
of a naked lady on the cover.

Here comes the part they had to cut out
where you asked me to dinner.

Our thanks to Eric Matthews.

This is Murray L. Slaughter,
in for Ted Baxter, saying so long...

Wait a minute. I'd like to ask you
a question, if I may.

You never said when
we were gonna go to dinner.

We'll talk about that later.

- When?
- "Over dinner"?

I thought they were
gonna cut that out.

We've got a new tape editor,
and he's a...

- Little juiced.
- Right.

Hey, I've been interviewed
a thousand times,

and that's the first time I asked
the guy interviewing me for a date.

- You got any wine vinegar?
- It's on the shelf over the stove.


- Could you give me a hand, Mary?
- Oh, sure.

- Shall we have coffee inside?
- Inside?

Well, you see, in a one-room apartment,
we call this area the inside.

- Yeah. That must be the outside.
- No, that's the dining room.

- Cream and sugar?
- No, thanks. I'll take it without it.

Well, how do you like 'em?

- What?
- You were looking at my shoes, no?

No, no, I wasn't. l-I was...
I was looking at the floor.

Mm-hmm. And the distance
between it and my shoes.

- Really, I wasn't.
- Uh-huh.

I assure you, Mary, my feet
do touch the floor... whenever I walk.

- They'd almost have to, wouldn't they?
- Right!

I really have to talk to you.
It bothers you that that I'm shorter.

No, it doesn't.

You're not self-conscious
about my height?

No, I'm not.

When we're together, I'm not
self-conscious about your height.

I'm self-conscious
about my height.

I mean, if I were an even
five feet instead of five-six...

- Honey, you're more than five-six.
- All right, I'm five-seven.

- So, I'm 2 inches taller than you.
- You're four inches taller.

- Does it bother you?
- Does what bother me?

That you're one to four inches
shorter than I am?

I learned to deal with that years ago
when I played Doc in the school play.

I thought they were doing Mr. Roberts,
but they were really doing Snow White.

You know, that's really fantastic
to be able to kid yourself like that.

If you like the author,
you'll love the book.

- The book?
- Yeah, my new manuscript.

I needed a title before I sent it
to my publisher, and you gave it to me.

Toulouse-Lautrec Is One
Of My Favorite Artists.

I, uh, didn't think
you heard me say that.

Well, anyway, you named the book.
Now I'd like you to read it.

- You mean right now?
- Yeah.


- You dedicated it to me.
- I thought it was appropriate.

Eric, I've never had anyone watch me
read an entire book before.

- Sorry. I'll go out and take a walk.
- Okay, that's a good idea.

You don't have to walk me to the door.
You're wasting valuable reading time.


Well, it wasn't exactly magic,
was it?

- I just love...
- Who do you just love?

- I thought you were Eric.
- You just love Eric?

Yeah. No. I love his new book.

- His new book?
- Yeah, look at that.

- Mary, he dedicated it to you.
- Yeah.

- That's as good as a proposal, kid.
- Oh, come on.

How can I describe how I feel about you,
my best friend, getting married?

- Rhoda, I am not...
- It's a mixture of envy and hostility.

But incidentally,
I'm happy for you too.

- Rhoda, will you listen...
- Mary, you listen to me.

Now, about your reception,
here's the plan.

When you throw your bouquet, fade back
like you're gonna throw it to the back.

Then when the other girls
move back,

I'll move up quick
and then you just lob it to me.

- You want to hear about Eric and me?
- Yeah, in detail.

- You know... when you're dating?
- No.

You know that despite all
the evidence to the contrary,

- that you are really just good friends?
- Yeah.

Well, that's the way it is with
Eric and me. We are just good friends.

When you're single and 30,
there are no men friends.

They're either fiances or rejects.

Eric, I can't wait to tell you
what I think of this book.

Wait till I say hi to Rhoda.
Hi, Rhoda. Tell me about the book.

It's warm, it's witty,
it's funny, it's...

- What's the matter?
- Nothing.

I'm just trying to figure out how
to get you a job as a book reviewer.

- What's the book about?
- It's all about being short.

Mary, could you be more delicate?
He's got feelings too, you know.

- No, Rhoda, that is the whole point.
- That is exactly my point.

My point is that everybody
feels left out.

They're stuck with something,
like shortness.

Like some people's
shortness is tallness.

- What?
- Well... Tell her about it, Eric.

- Did you get to the high school part?
- Not yet.

Let's talk about
that high school part.

I don't like to throw this around, but
I happen to be a high school graduate.

You know what I'm talking about.
Here is my theory.

Now, in every high school there is a guy
who is captain of the football team.

- Yeah.
- He is also student body president.

- Yes, of course, always.
- Now he's going with this girl...

- Uh-huh.
- who is head cheerleader.

She's also most popular,

And she's also
senior-class secretary, right?

- Yes.
- These two people are very happy.

Every school has two happy people,
and everybody else is miserable.

- Yeah. It's like being short, right?
- Right.

I have a confession.

When I was in school,
I had a problem like shortness.

- Try and guess what it was.
- You were a fat kid.

That's close, Shorty.

Do you know what it's like
for a girl to be overweight?

You know what it's like for a guy
to be under height?

I got all the jobs nobody else wanted...
science editor of the school newspaper.

- Business manager of the yearbook.
- Ah. What were you, Mary?

Why don't I just
heat up some coffee?

- Mary?
- I'd really rather not say.

- Come on. It can't be that bad.
- It's worse. I was head cheerleader.

- And most popular.
- Oooh.

Eric, I'm so glad you're here.
She does this to me all the time.

She tries to make me feel guilty
for having been happy in high school.

You're the first person
I ever met who could handle her.

That's her Midwestern way of saying
she thinks we're meant for each other.

Okay, let's see if we are.

I was assistant equipment manager
for the wrestling team.

- What kind of equipment do they have?
- Very little.

I played the bass drum
in the marching band.

You think that's bad? I couldn't get
a date to go to the senior prom.

- Did you get asked?
- Yes.

- Ah-ha!
- Four years after I graduated.

What did you get for
a graduation gift?

- Socks.
- I got a belt buckle.

- Mary, what did you get?
- Oh, uh...

- What?
- A car.


Now, wait a minute.
It was an old car. It was secondhand.

- One of the doors wouldn't even open.
- Did it run?

Uh, yes. No, wait.
Hey, guys.

It was a Hudson.

- A brown Hudson.
- Oh.

And so, ladies and gentlemen,
this is Murray L. Slaughter,

substituting for Ted Baxter,

saying good news
and... good night.

- I give up!
- What's the matter?

Some people
are so unappreciative.

This is my last day of filling in for
Ted, and nobody even bothered to call.

We had a lot of calls after
your appearance with Eric Matthews.

You did?
Why didn't you tell me, Lou?

Uh, we didn't think
you'd really wanna know.

Sure I wanna know, Mary.

What kind of calls did we get?

A lot of people wanted to know how
your dinner date with Eric turned out.