Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 1, Episode 4 - Divorce Isn't Everything - full transcript

After WJM-TV news does a story on them, Rhoda talks a reluctant Mary into joining her in joining the Better Luck Next Time Club - a club for divorced people - when they learn that the club offers its members cheap charter flights to Paris, where Mary has always wanted to go but hasn't because the flights have always been too expensive. Mary's plan is to go to the meeting, sign up and leave after finding out about the flights. But their time at the meeting doesn't go quite according to plan when the club leaders don't talk about the flights, and when an ardent admirer, Dr. Walter Udall, gets Mary voted Vice-President of the club. Feeling guilty, Mary has to decide whether to tell the truth about not being divorced (let alone not ever having been married) or continue with the facade to get the cheap trip.

# How will you make it
on your own #

# This world is awfully big #

# And, girl
this time you're all alone #

# But it's time
you started living #

# It's time you let someone else
do some giving #

# Love is all around #

# No need to waste it #

# You can have the town
Why don't you take it #

# You might just make it #

# After all #

# You might just make it
after all #

Now, I guess it's ready
for painting, huh?

- Not till you've aged it a little.
- How do I do that?

Well, I brought the stuff.
Here, I'll show you.

- What's that?
- To give it an antique look.

Stand back.

If you've got any hostilities, this is
a marvelous way to work 'em off.

- Yeah, I can see that.
- I haven't had this much fun in years.

- Here, you try it.
- Well, um... Yeah, maybe later.

- No, no, go ahead.
- Well, I feel a little silly.

Well... All right.

What's so funny?

I just feel silly
hitting, uh, with, uh...

Okay, all right.

Apparently, you have some kind
of a... hang-up about this.

Either get over it, or buy yourself
genuine antiques.

- See ya later.
- Okay.

I don't have any hang-ups.

- Who is it?
- It's nobody.

Uh, can I help you?

- No, I'm fine. Thanks.
- Oh.

I thought I heard something
hit the door.

- It was just my head.
- Your head?

I was leaning back to rest against
your door, and I misjudged the distance.

- But don't worry about me. I'm fine.
- Are you sure?

- Oh, yeah, positive.
- Well, uh...

I'm sorry you didn't get to marry
that fella who was gonna marry you.

My daughter wrote me
all about it, Mary.

You're Rhoda's mother!

Oh, for heaven's sake.
She lives right upstairs.

- Let me help you carry your bags.
- She isn't home.

Well, then, come on
in here and wait.

I'd like to come in, in fact,
I'm curious about your apartment.

- Oh, why is that?
- Rhoda's place must look like yours.

Oh, well, actually, her place
doesn't look at all like this.

She said your place was twice
as nice as hers,

so I figured if
I lop off 50%, I got it.

Well, please, come in
and sit down.

- I don't wanna inconvenience you.
- You won't inconvenience me.

- You sure?
- People sit down in here all the time.

Practically every time somebody comes
in that door, they sit down.

Rhoda was right.
You got a cute personality.

Don't stop what you were doing.

I wasn't doing anything.
I'll do it later.

I don't wanna inconvenience you.
Look, go back to what you were doing.

No. Okay, please, sit down.

All right, I'll go back
to what I was doing.

It's, uh, something
that you do to furniture.

- Uh-huh.
- Um...

No, really,
I'll-I'll show you.

Well, it's nice to have
a hobby that makes you happy.


Mary, this is Rhoda.
And don't say, "Hello, Rhoda."

Okay. Uh, hi. And why?

I wanna ask you a question, but I don't
want you to answer with a yes or no.

- Why?
- Because a lot of yeses and nos...

would seem suspicious
if there's someone there with you.

- There's someone there with you?
- Yes.

- I told you not to say yes.
- Well, how else am l...

I've got a code worked out.
Now, listen.

If the answer is "yes," say a word
beginning with the letter "A."

If the answer is "no," say a word
beginning with the letter "B."

All right?
Is my mother there?

Uh, apples.

I thought so.
Does she know I'm home upstairs here?



Could you make up some excuse and
then come upstairs here real quick?

Uh, well, I really...
I don't...

Uh, abracadabra.

- Good. I'll see you in a minute then.
- Okay, Rhoda.

Did you see my mother just look up
when you said, "Okay, Rhoda"?



You just come barging into a person's
room without knocking on the beads?

Rhoda, why don't you
wanna see your mother?

Because I looked out my window and saw
her carrying that down the street.

- She asked me to give it to you.
- I don't want it.

Your mother comes all the way from New
York to bring you a present, and you...

Don't want it.

Mary, I send her $50 a month in New
York. You know what she does with it?

Buys me gifts,
and then she brings them to me.

I gotta make her stop
doing that kind of stuff, Mar.

Rhoda, she probably brings you
the presents because she loves you.

I love her too,
but she makes me crazy!

- How?
- Read the card on that gift.

I guarantee you it'll be something
that makes me crazy.

"No one in the world will ever
love you as much as I do."

- That's lovely.
- To the naked eye, it's lovely.

But think about it, Mary.
I'm 30 years old, right, and single.

No matter where I go or who I meet
or how long I may live,

no one will ever love me
as much as she does.

That's not a card.
That's a curse.

What about your father?
Does he make you crazy too?

No. I was five years old
before I knew my father could talk.

You know the first thing he said?
"Listen to your mother."

Now do you understand, Mar?

No, Rhoda, I'm sorry.
I don't.

Your mother is down there.
You're up here. You say you love her...

You're talking about
Midwestern love.

I'm talking about
Bronx love.

There's a certain amount
of guilt that goes with that.

My mother wants the people she loves to
feel guilty. Like with her pills.

- Her pills?
- Right. Pills.

My mother hasn't been taking her pills
for as long as I can remember.

What hasn't she been
taking them for?

I've never been sure.
For all I know, they're an aphrodisiac.

No more, Mary, really. If she needs
those pills, she'll take 'em herself.

- You really won't see your mother?
- No!

Okay, Rhoda.


Ask her if she's been
taking her pills, huh?

I'm just having
a little snack.

I wish you'd let me fix you
something to have for dinner.

Oh, no, I never eat.
I just nibble.

Well, if you're still hungry, there's
half a chicken in the refrigerator.

Not anymore.
That's what I nibbled.

Mrs. Morgenstern, you take the bed.
I just changed the sheets this morning.

- Where you gonna sleep?
- Right here on the two chairs.

- Makes a pretty good bed.
- Oh, no, no. I can't let you do that.

Yes, I'll be perfectly comfortable.

I'm putting you out.
I'm gonna spend the night in a motel.

Do you think they'll
let me in without a car?

Mrs. Morgenstern,
you're not putting me out.

I found a motel down by the bus station
for only five dollars a night.

- But, Mrs. Morgenstern...
- I only hope it's clean.

But, Mrs. Morgenstern, if it'll make
you stay, you can sleep on the chair.

All right, I'll stay.


What are you doing?

That's what it'd cost me in that
fleabag, so I'm certainly gonna pay you.

- No, I couldn't take your money.
- Come on. Don't be silly.

- For sleeping on my chair?
- I want you to have the money.

No, Mrs. Morgenstern.
I couldn't take it.

Well, okay,
have it your way.

Enough. Enough.

- Good night, Mrs. Morgenstern.
- Good night.

- Sleep well.
- You too.

This is gonna kill
my back.

Would you like another cup of coffee
before I leave for work?

Mrs. Morgenstern?

Uh, come in.

Oh, thanks.
I'd love some.

- Where's Ida?
- Ida?

- Ida. Mrs. Morgenstern.
- Oh!

How can you live with a woman for
three days and not know her first name?

Well, I just never thought
of her as having a first name.

Oh, Mary, that's so you.

Calling a woman... She doesn't want
to be called Mrs. Morgenstern.

Yeah, well, I can't call her
what she wants me to call her.

- Ida?
- Mama.

Hello? Yes.

Who is this?

Yes, Mrs. Morgenstern
is still living here.

No, I don't know when she...

Rhoda, is this you?

Yes, it is too you, Rhoda, so you
can stop using the Italian accent.

Rhoda, if you're so concerned
about your mother,

why don't you come down
and see her for yourself?

I don't know if
she's taking her pills.

I'm sure if she's supposed to,
she's taking them. Good-bye, Rhoda.

Mrs. Morgenstern, where have you been?

- Out shopping. Hello, Phyllis.
- Hi, Ida.

You were out in the snow
wearing just that?

I thought if I went rummaging
in the closet looking for my coat,

I might disturb some
of your lovely things.

Let me get out
of your way.

I still can't understand what
it is about Ida that upsets you so.

- You can't? Well, okay.
There's things like...

things like that.

- Like what?
- She's washing the dishes.

- What's wrong with that?
- I already washed the dishes.

Mary, it's just her way of showing how
she appreciates what you're doing.

- You should open the gift she got you.
- I'm afraid to.

- Oh, Mary.
- Okay, all right, fine.

Okay, I'm gonna open
the present.

You'll see. The minute I open this,
I'm gonna be in so much trouble.

- Now, don't you feel a bit ridiculous?
- I, uh, feel a lot ridiculous.

Well, I'm glad I could
help you, Mary.

Bye, Ida!

Mrs. Morgenstern.

- I really like the scarves.
- You really like them?

- Oh, yes, I love them.
- It's nice of you to say that anyway.

No, I'm not just saying that,
Mrs. Morgenstern.

I really love these scarves.

- Well...
- No, really.

Look, I'm gonna wear one.

I'll wear it to work.
This color is absolutely perfect.

Huh? How about that?

I'm sorry you don't
like the other one.

Uh, Mrs. Morgenstern,

uh, did you take
your pills today?


- Mary, could I ask you something?
- Yes.

Why are you wearing
two scarves today?

It seemed like
a good idea at the time.

- Did you get that list I asked for?
- Uh, what list?

- Of film.
- What film?

For the special we're doing tomorrow
night. And don't say, "What special?"

- I won't.
- But you want to, right?

Did I just go...

- Yes, you did.
- That's what I thought.

When I go... it's a pretty good sign
my blood pressure's getting up there.

My doctor says I've gotta learn
to relax or give up drinking.

So I'm gonna learn
to relax... right now!

- Murray?
- What?

- What special are we doing?
- "Is Air Pollution Really So Bad?"

What kind of a television station
does a special favoring air pollution?

One where the chairman
of the board owns a smelting plant.

- Mary?
- Yeah, Ted?

Could I have that new insignia?
This one's...

- Ted, I'm sorry. I left it at home.
- You better go home and get it.

I tell you, I'll bring it
in tomorrow. I'm so busy today.

- I can't go on without that insignia.
- Well...

I've got somebody staying with me. I'll
call and see if she can bring it over.

The threads came loose.


- She said she was gonna be in all day.
- What about my insignia?

If she changed her plans,
she would have told me.

- I want my insignia.
- Maybe she's in the shower.

- This has to be taken care of.
- Please, don't flap that at me.

Well, I'm not going to argue about this.
I'll just speak to Lou.

- Lou?
- Mary, don't worry what he says to Lou.

He can't say anything intelligible
unless I write it down for him.

She still hasn't answered.

- Mary, get that stuff for me.
- What stuff?

Mary, come into my office.

Mr. Grant, I know what you wanna see
me about. I know what Ted told you.

I was supposed to bring in
his W.J.M. insignia today, and I forgot.

I left it at home. I called my friend's
mother, who is staying with me,

to have her bring it, and she wasn't
home... which has me upset because...

- You know what's got me really upset?
- I have no idea.

I just sounded nuts.

Sit down.

Mary, life is tough.

No, it's not really tough.

What do you mean,
"not really"?

I give you a cliche, three dumb words,
and you wanna argue with me?

- I said, "Life's tough."
- Well, yes, it is.

It's a little... tough.

It's getting tougher
all the time.

I'm not interested in
your friend's mother. That's tough.

I'm not interested in whether Ted gets
his insignia or not. That's tough too.

I gotta come up with a bunch of reasons
why pollution isn't so bad,

or the chairman of the board's
gonna get pretty upset... at me.

- Like I said, "Life is tough."
- You're right, Mr. Grant.

Life is-is... tough.

Yeah. You wanna know
what else is tough?

If you don't start
shaping up...

I'm gonna have to fire you.

Do you mean that?


It's a scare tactic.

But I'll tell you
what I do mean.

For the last few days, you've
been doing a rotten job around here.

Oh, Mr. Grant, I know.

The last couple of days,
I've been a little off.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Not a little off.


There's two things
I'm trying to get through to you...

life is tough,
and you've been rotten.

I have been.

It's just all I can think about
is Rhoda and her mother.

I've let you down. Murray's been
doing half of my work for me.

The last couple of days,
I've been just...


Well, look, you know,

you've been a little off,
that's all.

No, I've been... rotten.

What happened here?

Mrs. Morgenstern, where have you been?
I've been calling all day.

I've been right here. Now, don't get
excited. You didn't miss any messages.

Let's see. At 11:00,
somebody rang four times.

At 11:02,
somebody rang six times.

And at 2:15,
somebody rang...

fourteen times.

Listen, Mary, I've been noticing
something. You're getting nervous.

I think you should
kick me out.

But, Mrs. Morgenstern, I couldn't...
I wouldn't kick you out.

I know. It'd be very hard for you
because you're so fond of me.

But you ought to
kick me out.

- But l-l...
- No, look.

Now, you tell me that
it's crowded here. Go ahead.

Well, it's-it's
a little crowded.

All right, you see. Now you're
doing fine. I understand that.

Now, you wanna make it easy
for me to go back to New York...

and make yourself feel better
even though you're kicking me out?

Uh, yes.

- Then promise me you'll write.
- I promise.

- How often?
- I'll write at least once...

a week.

Mrs. Morgenstern, are you really going
back to New York without seeing Rhoda?

- It's okay. I got a letter from her.
- A letter?

Yeah. She slipped it
under the door.

Here we are.
I'll read it to you.

"Dear Ma... Return the gift and
make sure you get cash.

"Use it and the money in here to buy
something for yourself, not me.

"I'm sorry I couldn't see you,
but you know we'd end up yelling.

Love, Guess Who."

Oh, that Rhoda,
she's always clowning.

Not every mother
has a daughter like that.

I wish I could see
the daughter I got like that.

Rhoda, listen.
I've gotta talk to you.


Rhoda, I've gotta talk to you.

- Well, come on in.
- Well, listen. Could we talk out there?

I feel a little...
funny here.

I'm sorry, Mary. I gotta
get this display done in a hurry.

I think the bride's
in trouble.

Listen, uh, Rhoda,

- You gonna ask how your mother is?
- How is she?

She's going home to New York tonight.
That's how she is.

- What do you want out of me?
- Rhoda, would it hurt you so much...

to go down to the bus station
and say good-bye to her and hello?

- No, it wouldn't.
- Well, then?

But if I go down to that bus station,
I won't get off with just a good-bye.

I see her, it sets me
back 20 years, minimum.

Well, then, uh,
don't turn around.

Hello, 1950.

All right, I told her that
you'd be working late tonight.

Boy, my mother.

You gotta hand it to her.

She's got a back that could break
your heart.

Ah, come on.
I always cry at weddings.



- Mama.
- Oh, you make me so happy!

- Let me take this.
- That's all right, dear.

Come on...

What do you got in here?

Oh, come on, darling.

Ah. Oh. It's the greatest coat
I ever saw. Now let's return it.

- Just try it on, will you?
- Try it on? Mama.

You take the money I send you
and you buy me a coat like this.

This is ridiculous.
This must've cost, what...

You still leave the price tags in your
gifts, don't you? Yeah. Here. Read it.

- Rhoda, you don't ask how much...
- Will you read it?

- $495.
- Ma!

Mrs. Morgenstern,
what Rhoda's trying to say is...

she doesn't want you spending the money
she sends to you on presents for her.

But I was saving the money for her.
I don't need the money.

- Your father's doing very well.
- What are you talking about?

A long time ago you wrote me that
Dad had some big business reverses.

Reverses, yes, upwards.

Up until then
he wasn't doing so hot.

- You've got money?
- We're comfortable.

If she says, "We're comfortable,"
I think I'm an heiress.

Hey, Heiress,
try on the coat.

All right.

Oh, Rhoda!

Oh, Ma, this is gorgeous!

Okay, you don't like it.
Give me it back.