Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 1, Episode 23 - Smokey the Bear Wants You - full transcript

# How will you make it on your own #

# This world is awfully big #

# And, girl
this time you're all alone #

# But it's time
you started living #

# It's time you let someone else
do some giving #

# Love is all around #

# No need to waste it #

# You can have the town
Why don't you take it #

# You might just make it #

# After all #

# You might just make it
after all ##



Thanks again
for the ride, Chuck.

- It was really nice meeting you.
- We have to do it again sometime.

Yes, I'd like that.
Well, uh, I'll see you again.

Bye-bye.

- Well...
- [Knocking]

Is it too soon to be "again"?

No, of course not.
Come on in.

- We don't mind.
- If your wife doesn't.

What makes you think
I'm married?

- Anybody who looks like you
has got to be married.
- Really? How do I look?

- Great. What do you think, Mar?
- Well, I think, uh,

that I don't know why we're talking
about whether or not he's married.

Even though he hasn't told us
whether or not he is.

- Well, I'm not.
- Sit down, Chuck.



[Mary]
Thank you again for the lift.

I thought we were gonna spend
the night in the gas station
waiting for her car to be fixed.

I don't know what I'm gonna do
about that car, Mar. Three
new batteries in two weeks.

I'm getting sick of driving
into gas stations and saying,

"A gallon of gasoline
and a new battery, please."

I'll tell you, your car
may not be much, but you've
fixed your apartment up great.

- [Together] Thank you.
- We like it.

How long have you lived here?

- About eight months.
- Two years.

You see, Chuck,
I moved in first.

Ah. Now, that...
that's beautiful.

Yeah, we like it.

You can see almost the entire skyline
of downtown Minneapolis.

Oh, yeah. I, uh...
I didn't notice that.

I was looking at
the maple tree out there.

Oh, yes. Every morning, we go
out there on our little balcony...

and get fresh maple syrup
for our pancakes.

But I guess nobody's really interested
in simple, old-fashioned girls anymore.

Uh, listen.
Speaking of pancakes,

- would anyone like a cup of coffee?
- We grind it ourselves.

No, thanks. Really,
I've got to get going.

I'm a little late
for a meeting now.

Would, uh... Would you like
to have dinner with me Saturday night?

Oh! Oh, uh, well...

- I realize it's short notice, but...
- Oh, no, no.

Short notice is when you ask me
Sunday morning for Saturday night.

Chuck, I would love
to have dinner with you.

- Well, great. How's 8:00?
- It's a nice hour.

- Nice meeting you, Mary.
- Nice meeting you,
and thank you again for the ride.

My pleasure.
I'll see you Saturday night, huh?

Yes. Saturday, Chuck.
Bye.

Mary, did you notice
what just happened here?

Well, let's see.
Uh, you mean, you accepted a date?

That's right.
An extremely attractive person...

had his choice of asking
two women out... you and me.

And he chose me.
That doesn't happen too often.

Well, I guess he just prefers
the old-fashioned type.

And this apartment...
Why did you tell him it was ours?

A guy like that
walks in here and admires the place,
you want me to tell him it's not mine?

Rhoda, that's not
exactly honest.

What do you mean, "not exactly honest"?
It's a lie.

Okay, will you just
stop kidding for a minute,

- because I'd like to say something.
- What?

No, I wouldn't.
Because if I do say something...

about whether or not
you should go out with Chuck,

- I know that
you're gonna think that I'm...
- You're jealous.

- Jealous.
- No, not at all.

Honestly, how much
do you know about him?

Look, it's not like it
was a pickup in a bar.

Okay, so we met him
in a gas station.

It wasn't just any gas station.
They sell name-brand gasoline there.

Okay. Forget it.
I'm sorry I mentioned it.

You know, though, Mar.
There is one little thing
I'd like to know about Chuck.

- What's that?
- His religion.

- Makes a difference to you?
- You bet it does.

I'd have to convert
by Saturday night.

Okay, people. Cut the work.
I got an announcement to make.

I just found out we're
gonna be preempted tonight.

The first guy that says
"No news is good news" is fired.

- What happened, Lou?
- The parade we're carrying
is running late.

Uh, at last count,
there were still 12 floats,

22 celebrity convertibles
and 5 high-school bands to go.

- Why is it running so late?
- They made the mistake...

of putting the senior citizens'
band in front.

Preempted by a crummy parade.

Don't worry about
being preempted, Ted.

It's not me I'm worried about.
It's my poor TVviewers.

[Giggling]
Oh, Ted.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were k-kidding.

What's happening with Rhoda
and that guy? Are they still dating?

- You mean Chuck?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Are they still going to those
expensive places for lunch and dinner?

Well, Murray, I'm sure Mr. Grant
isn't interested in all this.

Don't worry about me.
I'm not even listening.

Do you know that she still hasn't
told him that we're not roommates?

Last night I had to go to
a movie I didn't want to see...

just because he was
coming over for dinner.

No kidding?
What's the movie?

That, uh... That's not
the point, Ted.

Well, what is the point?

The point is that she is
very interested in him,

and I would be delighted for her,
except that one thing bothers me.

- What's that, Mary?
- Well, he keeps spending
all this money on her,

and he doesn't seem
to do anything for a living.

You know, I have examined
myself very honestly,

trying to figure out
whether I am suspicious...

because I'm genuinely concerned
or, you know, a little jealous.

- Why don't you talk to Rhoda about it?
- I can't do that.

I mean, she already thinks
that I'm a little jealous.

But I'm not. I just honestly
don't want to see her get hurt.

Okay.

Okay.

Some of this
I couldn't help overhearing.

And I know what you mean.
Why?

Because I am the father
of three daughters.

And once in a while,
one of'em would bring home a boy...

I felt sure was up to no good.

It used to drive me crazy
wondering what was going on.

Just drove me right up the wall.
But I learned three things.

I learned that you have
to let people make their own mistakes.

I learned that I was wrong
about almost every suspicion I had.

I learned how to follow
somebody in a car without being spotted.

- Chuck's not here yet, huh?
- Uh, no.

Oh, good. I'd hate not to be
living here when he shows up.

Hey, Rhoda.
How much longer
is this gonna go on...

being our place?

Listen, Mar. I'm going to tell him soon.
I'm waiting for the right moment.

Do you have any turpentine
at your apartment?

What do you mean, up at my apartment?
This is my apartment.

- Do you have any turpentine?
- Sure. I use it to take my makeup off.

- Why should I have turpentine?
- I don't know. I just need it.

Why don't you call an all-night
turpentine store? Maybe they'll deliver.

Mary, look. Before Chuck gets here,
I got to ask you something.

Do you ever take gifts
from the guys you're dating?

Well, uh, depends.
Like what?

Like, uh...
Well, like, uh...

Like, uh, a car.

A car?
He gave you a car?

No, he didn't give me a car.

He offered me a car.
A used car.

His car... used.

Rhoda,

his expensive car used...

is worth three other cars new.

Hey, look. It's not as wild
as it sounds. He had a reason.

What reason could he have
for offering you his car?

I said I liked it.

Rhoda, I hope you don't think
I'm being overly concerned,

but I think that offering you a car
is not normal.

That's what I thought, Mar.
And there's been other things
I've been worried about too.

- Like what?
- Well, like, he asked me,

does it make any difference
what he does for a living.

I said, "Of course not"...
lying through my teeth.

The way I figure it,
any man who says,

"Does it make any difference
what I do for a living"...

is probably not
a United States senator.

All right.
Let's try to figure it out.

Now, who has lots of money...

and plenty of free time
and can't even mention what his work is?

Mary, I have been up
with that one all night long.

And I can only come up
with two occupations:

spying and organized crime.

Rhoda, there are no spies
in Minneapolis.

Okay. All right.
I know he's not a spy.

I'm as sure of that
as I am that he is in organized crime.

- Rhoda!
- Think about it, Mar.

He drives a foreign car...
black.

He's spending a lot of money.
A lot.

And he never seems to work.

Besides that, he's always going off
to meetings somewhere.

Well, now, that's something.

Organized criminals do meet a lot,
don't they... to plan and everything.

- Right. That's my feeling.
- Nah.

It can't be.

- [Knocking]
- Oh, that's him.

I don't know what
I'm being so picky about.

Back home in New York, anybody
out on bail was considered
to be a professional man.

Hi. Sorry
I'm a little late.

- Hi, Mary. How are you?
- Good. Fine, thanks. And you?

- Good. Fine, thanks.
- You don't have any turpentine
with you, do you?

- [Snaps Fingers]
- Just ran out.

You're painting that?

Yeah, I thought I would.
Why?

Well, I mean, it's wood,
and wood is so beautiful.

I mean, it probably took about
a hundred years for it to get that way.

You're just gonna slop
gunk all over it?

Uh-uh. No, I won't.
I won't do that.

- I mean, you can.
It's all right with me.
- No, no, I won't.

It's just my, uh... You should
put a little natural stain on it.

Natural stain.
I'll do that.

Oh, listen, Rhoda, I promised somebody
I'd stop by and say hello tonight.

- Besides, I'd like you two
to meet each other.
- Okay. Who is it?

My Uncle Frank.
Well, he's not really my uncle,

but he's an old friend
of the family... my godfather.

His godfather.

- You don't mind, do you?
- Oh, no, no. Of course not.

It should be interesting.

I don't think we'll be
back too late, Mary. Bye, kid.

- Bye.
- [Clicks Tongue] See ya.

[Clicks Tongue]

Mary?
I guess she went out.

- Good.
- Chuck!

- She always seems to be here.
- Yeah, that's the trouble
with having roommates.

- You want a drink?
- You got any scotch?

- I'll check.
- Okay. Would you like some music?

- Yeah, music.
- How do you turn this thing on?

- I don't know.
- You don't know how to turn on
your own record player?

Oh. Well, see,
Mary does that.

Sure. We divide up
the work around here.

I do the vacuuming and laundry;
she turns on the record player.

- Did you say scotch?
- Or whatever. What do you got?

- Well, you know, I can't find
where she keeps her liquor.
- "Her liquor"?

Oh, well, yeah. Uh, see, we each
have our own supply, and I'm out.

Oh. Well, it doesn't matter. I mean,
I didn't really want anything anyway.

Your godfather is really nice.

- Yeah, he liked you too. I could tell.
- How could you tell?

Well, he talked about his work
so much. He never does that.

That sort of runs
in your family.

Okay. I guess I've been
keeping it from you long enough.

If you want to keep it from me
a little longer, it's all right.

No, no, no. If you don't want
to see me anymore after
I've told you, I'll understand.

Chuck. It would
have to be pretty bad.

[Sighs]
Sit down.

Okay.

Well, you see,
for the last ten years,

I worked for
and was finally made a, uh,

a vice president of the Hercules
Lawn Mower and Snow Blower Company.

I wish you'd have been honest
with me in the beginning.
I would have broken it off then.

I admit it occurred to me. Sometimes
I'd wake up in the middle of the night.

It would hit me...
Maybe he's the vice president of
a lawn mower, snow blower corporation.

And I'd say, " No, Rhoda! Put it out
of your mind! It can't be! Not that!"

- Are you finished?
- Yeah, I'm finished.

- May I continue?
- Mm-hmm.

Would you sit down?

Now, one night a couple of months ago,
I noticed that sales...

of our number sixty-two combined
mower/blowers were down one percent.

And I was upset.
I mean, I was really upset.

I was taking my fourth
antacid pill when it hit me.

I mean, what's the difference
how many Hercules mower/blowers
are sold in Minneapolis?

Offhand, I can't
answer that question.

- I can't either. That's why I quit.
- Quit?

- Ajob that had to pay, what, 20...
- Thirty.

- Thousand dollars?
- Yeah.

I quit a couple months ago, and now
my vacation is almost over...

because I've got
just enough money left to do...

what I've always wanted to do
since I was a kid.

Buy out a candy store.
Don't do it.

I did it last week.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.

Believe me. Okay. I won't interrupt you
again, Chuck. I promise.

I'm going to go
back to college.

- All right.
- For two years.

- Okay.
- Because I want to get another degree.

Terrific.

So that I can become
a, uh, forest ranger.

- Rhoda?
- Eucalyptus.

- What do you say? Uh...
- You think I'm crazy
for doing this, don't you?

No. I don't think
you're crazy.

- As long as forest rangers
make 30,000 a year.
- No, it's more like 9,000.

You're crazy.

Rhoda, look. I don't want
to spend the rest of my life...

worrying about how to turn
a four percent profit
into a six percent profit.

- I can understand how you feel, Chuck.
I really can.
- You can?

What I can't understand is why you feel
you have to do something about it.

Why don't you try it
before you put it down?

- How can you try a thing like that?
- I'm going on a camping trip
this weekend.

- Come with me.
- Oh, gee, Chuck. l...

Oh, come on.
It's just one weekend in the woods.

Uh, listen. I can...
I can come back later.

Oh, no, no, Mary. Look, as a matter
of fact, why don't you come too?

A bunch of us are going
on a camping trip this weekend.

Hey. Hey, that sounds like fun.

I haven't gone camping in years.

- You mean you did that one time?
- Oh, sure.

Well, I'd better go now.
Look, Rhoda,

I'll call you tomorrow
about the hike, huh?

- Yeah, about the hike. Call.
- Good night, Mar.

Good night.

- Come. You'll enjoy it.
- Okay. Good night, Chuck.

Good-bye, Chuck.
I should have known.

Rhoda Pelligrini.
It just doesn't sound right.

Okay. What did you find out?
What does he do? What?

He's a forest freak,
that's what.

- Just because he asked you
to go on a hike?
- No.

Because he just gave up
a vice presidency of a big company...

to go back to college
to study to become...

get this... a forest ranger.

A forest ranger?
Uh, why?

Mmm. He had some stupid idea
about being happy.

Why, oh, why couldn't
I have met him five years ago?

By now I could have had him
so far in debt...

he couldn't even think
about being a forest ranger.

- I don't even know what they do.
- Well, they, uh...

They stand around in towers...

and look through, uh, you know,
for forest... fires.

- Yeah? That's it?
- l...

Can you imagine me living up in a tree
house with a guy in a Boy Scout hat?

Think of the exciting evenings
when Chuck is there pressing
leaves into a book.

Or, when we have Smokey the Bear
over for dinner.

Hey, Rhoda, this is really
a guy you like, right?

Oh, yeah.

Good point. Okay, kid.
I'm gonna try it... the hike.

- Maybe he's on to something.
- Good for you.

- Oh, Mary.
- What?

Oh. All that fresh air.

My lungs have been raised
on exhaust fumes and industrial waste.

I'm not sure
they could take the shock.

[Ted] Tonight this reporter
will be at the Twin Cities'
German/ American society...

to serve as a judge in the annual
potato pancake contest.

This is Ted Baxter wishing you
out there in television land...

a wonderful weekend, and to all
my German friends, auf Wiedersehen.

- Oh, boy.
- Now that he's demolished
English, he's branching out.

I'll say.

Oh, Mary. Marie wanted me to ask you
over for Sunday brunch.

Oh, gee, Murray.
I'd love to, but I can't.

I'm going on
an overnight hike.

Hey, not bad for
making up a quick excuse.

No, it's not an excuse.
I really am going hiking.

- Who are you going hiking with?
- With Rhoda and Chuck and his friends.

Chuck? Isn't that the same guy
you were so suspicious about?

Yeah. It turns out he's
an executive who's dropped out...

and is going back to college
to become a forest ranger.

- Hmm.
- You have to admire him for that.

- If I didn't have a wife and kids...
- Yeah?

I probably still
wouldn't do it.

- Hi, guys.
- Speaking of dropouts.

Murray, really,
have you ever thought about it?

If you could do something
different with your life,

anything at all,
what would you do?

Oh, I'd do a lot of things. I'd climb
some of the world's great peaks.

I'd build a little raft
and sail it to Tahiti.

Wallpaper my rec room.

When you're married,
you learn to compromise.

- How about you, Mr. Grant?
- Me?

I'm happy just doing
what I'm doing.

I'm happy running
this newsroom, and...

I'm happy telling people that this
conversation doesn't interest me.

Uh, wait a minute.
Don't I get a chance?

Sure, Ted.
What would you do?

- If I could be anything I wanted to be?
- Right. Anything.

I'd be Cary Grant.

That's a person.
We are talking about a way of life.

- I don't understand.
- What else is new?

Good night.
See you all Monday.

- Happy hiking.
- [Mispronouncing]
Auf Wiedersehen, Mar.

Now, look, Ted.
Just forget about a specific person.

What would you like to do
if you dropped out?

- You mean, if I couldn't be Cary Grant?
- Right.

I don't know.
I haven't given it much thought.

I guess I'd be a king.

Hey, Rhoda,
you want to come in?

I want to.
I don't know if I can.

Oh, boy. All I want to do
is stand under a hot shower.

Me too. I may not even
take off my clothes.

Oh, boy, Mary.
I ache all over.

You want some help?

No, I think I can ache
all by myself.

You probably wouldn't be so exhausted if
you hadn't carried all that extra junk.

The makeup case,
all the extra clothes.

You were the only girl
on the hike who dressed for dinner.

That's true.
But you'll never know the thrill...

of having a raccoon
watch you change.

Mary, tell me something,
'cause I missed it. Why do people hike?

You learned something
about survival, didn't you?

I learned about survival
in the New York subways.

Okay, Rhoda, but a forest is
a lot prettier than a subway.

It depends on the stop.

Aw, Mary, let's face it.
I just didn't fit in with
that group of Chuck's friends.

All those tall, Nordic,
Amazon girls...

with the long, blond hair
and rosy cheeks.

Wait a minute. I was on that hike.
I don't have long, blond hair.

But my cheeks do get
a little rosy, don't they?

And your personality
is definitely blond.

I know what you mean
about Chuck's friends, though.

I don't think I've ever been
in a group of eight...

where three of the men
were named Sven.

'Course, last night around the campfire,
you got to admit that was fun.

- Singing the old camp songs...
- Oh, yeah.

Sitting around a fire singing
"A Hundred Bottles of Beer
on the Wall." Terrific.

Wouldn't have been so bad
if when we'd finally gotten down...

to the one bottle of beer on the wall,
one of those Svens hadn't yelled,

"One more time!"

When I want wildlife,
I want wild life.

Not wildlife.

[Knocking]

- Hi. Rhoda here?
- Just barely.

Come on in.
I was, uh, just leaving.

Uh, Rhoda, if you want me,
I'll be upstairs at Florence's.

- Who?
- Florence's.

Oh. Oh, yeah.
Florence.

Uh, listen,

you didn't have so much fun
on the hike, huh?

- What makes you say that?
- 'Cause you kept telling me
how much you hated it.

- I was right.
- Hmm.

Chances are if we do it again,
you won't like it any better.

Actually, I think
I'll like it worse.

And it's not really terribly appealing
to a girl like you...

to be going out with
a 35-year-old student, is it?

Especially when that student's
determined to become a forest ranger.

We don't seem to have too much
going for us, do we?

I guess not.

- Maybe I'd better just bow
out of the picture then.
- I didn't say that.

Did you hear me say that? I don't think
a person in this room heard me say that.

I don't want you to bow out.
Is that clear? I want you to bow with...

So we have totally different values.
Let's not try to change one another.

Let's just accept each other
as we are, huh?

And see what happens.

See what happens?

Uh, Florence isn't home.

And, uh, I don't know
where she keeps her key.

Do you know where
Florence keeps her key?

Yeah. As a matter of fact,
Mary, it's very lucky...

I happen to have a duplicate.

- Good.
- Of her key, right.

Bye.

Hey, Chuck?

Was it really all that bad
being vice president of...

the Hercules Lawn Mower,
Snow Blower Company, huh?

Ah, don't answer me.
I promised myself...

I would never, ever
ask you that question.

But was it really that bad?

- What is that you're reading?
- A book on tree diseases.

- What?
- A book on tree diseases.

Is anything wrong with learning
about oak tree root rot?

No, no. I guess not.

What are you making faces?
There is nothing wrong...

with acquainting one's self
with the various parasites...

which present our national park service
with one of its biggest problems.

- Besides, it works two ways.
- Rhoda, aren't you working...

on getting Chuck
to go back into lawn mowers?

No. I would never attempt
to change his interest in trees.

I'm just trying to
redirect it a little.

Do you know how much money
there is in lumber?

[Chattering, Indistinct]

[Mews]