Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 1, Episode 20 - Hi! - full transcript

Mary is reluctant to tell anyone that she is going into the hospital to remove a tonsil, which has regrown after being removed when she was a child, if only because it is, as she describes it, such a teensy-weensy issue that usually only affect little children. Her insurance only covers a semi-private room, but she welcomes having a roommate for the company and support. She may change her mind when she meets her roommate, Loretta Kuhne, who describes herself as the antithesis of Miss Congeniality. Regardless, Mary can't help but try to get involved with Loretta's seemingly troubled life, which not only includes the two reasons for her hospitalization - a broken leg and a inflamed ulcer - but also a strained marriage. Will Loretta eventually let her in?

♪ How will you make it
on your own ♪

♪ This world is awfully big ♪

♪ And, girl
this time you're all alone ♪

♪ But it's time
you started living ♪

♪ It's time you let someone else
do some giving ♪

♪ Love is all around ♪

♪ No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You might just make it ♪

♪ After all ♪

♪ You might just make it
after all ♪♪

## [Whistling]

- Hi, Mary.
- Hi, Milt.

How come Ted's gettin'
so much mail lately?

I guess it's in response
to that editorial he did
last week against junk mail.

He told people they could
send in for printed copies.

- You really wanna help
stamp out junk mail?
- Yeah?

- Don't send out copies
ofTed's editorial.
- [Laughs] Yeah!

Oh, no.
Not another rejection.

- Yeah, I guess.
- Oh, poor Murray.

He's been writing this play
for three years.

You'd think Broadway producers
would be sensitive enough
to do more than just stick...

- mimeographed rejection slips
in when they send it back.
- What do you mean?

You know, something like a nice,
handwritten note saying,

"Good work, Murray.
Nice try.

Love, David Merrick."

Well, when you shoot high
like Murray's doing,

you gotta expect
to be disappointed.

- I know.
- What do you mean, you know?

You don't think I want to stay
in the mailroom all my life?

- I've got my eye on another job.
- Oh? What job is that?

- Yours.
- Oh.

Well, why not? No reason you
couldn't be associate producer.

Yeah. I like the title.
The work seems easy enough.

I just don't know if I can
take the cut in pay.

- Hi.
- What do ya say, Milt?

- Good morning, Mr. Grant.
- Hiya.

- What? Another one, huh?
- Yeah.

- That's bad.
- I know. Poor Murray.

No, not poor Murray,
poor Lou.

You know he's been using
our postage machine to mail these?

What's wrong with Murray
wanting to be a playwright?


Murray is a terrific

He makes Ted Baxter
sound almost intelligent.

- What's wrong with
doing that for a living?
- Well, nothing...

- What do you want to be?
- What do you mean?

I gather you have some ambition
beyond that of associate producer.

Well, just, you know,
wife and mother.

But other than that, I'm perfectly happy
doing what I'm doing.

Then you're the only
one in the office,

perhaps the whole building,
maybe even the world.

Everybody wants
to do something else.


This is a little, uh,
something from Ted.

It's a television series idea
called The Ted Baxter Show.

- What's it about?
- Beats me.

All he submitted
was the title.

I guess he thought I could
just take it from there.

Here's an idea for an original musical
comedy from Gordy the weatherman.

Fair and Warmer.
How is it?


And here's the worst one
of them all.

My novel.

- Mr. Grant, you wrote this?
- Mm-hmm.

It's beautifully typed.

That's what
the last publisher said.

I thought I was gonna be
the new Norman Mailer or something.

- What's it about?
- It's based on my experiences...

on IwoJima
and Guadalcanal.

- Wow, that sounds exciting.
- You wanna read it?

Oh, yes,
I'd really like that.

Twenty-two publishers
used the word "dull."

How could your experiences on IwoJima
and Guadalcanal be called "dull"?

Well, for one thing,
I was there in 1958.

- Morning, Mary.
- Oh, hi, Murray.

Listen, I just, uh,
made some fresh coffee over there.

Why don't you go have a cup? Gee, you
know, we never see enough of each other.

How's Marie and all?
She's, what, seven months along now?

Why don't you come over to the house
for dinner, say, Thursday?

- Where is it?
- On your desk.

- Oh, boy.
- Aw, come on, Murray. Listen.

You know how many times Noel Coward's
first play was turned down...

- before it was finally produced?
- How many?

l-I don't know.
But I'll bet it was lots of times.

- Not this many.
- [Package Thuds]

Murray, why do you
wanna do that?

It just seemed like the appropriate
thing to do. That's where it belongs.

It does not belong there.
I happen to like your play.

Then I'm glad they sent it back.
You can read it again.

I'll tell you one thing.
That is the thickest rejection letter
I've ever gotten.

- Murray...
- Go ahead... No, don't go ahead.
I know them by heart.

"Our schedule is full," or " We are not
in the market for any new productions."

How about,
"And we are delighted to do your play"?

Yeah, that one too. What?

"And we're delighted
to do your play.

"We plan to go into rehearsal
within the next few weeks.

"Enclosed are the standard Dramatist
Guild contracts for your signature.

"The Twin Cities Playhouse is proud
to have a play of this caliber...

by a promising new local playwright
as part of our 17 th season."

- Oh, Murray!
- Mary! [Chuckling]

Wait a minute.
I don't remember submitting my play
to the Twin Cities Playhouse.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah.

- How do you suppose they got it?
- [Ted] Hi, guys.

- Hi.
- Say, Murray, I just read
this item I think we should use.

It's about a man who went on television
to make a plea to send turkeys
to convicts.

For pets or for dinner?

I don't know.
I think it was in "Ar-kansas."

Yeah, I think they're doing
the same thing in Arkansas too.

How do you like that?
It's spreading from state to state.

Speaking of turkeys, uh, Ted, last year
when you acted in that production...

- of The Man Who Came to Dinner,
what was the name of that theater group?
- Ah.

The Twin Cities Playhouse.
I'm their resident star.

I'm the only really
big name they've got.

Ted, did you know they're
gonna do Murray's play?

Oh, are they? Good. I was hoping
they might. I submitted it to them.

- Where did you get your hands on it?
- In the mailroom.

I accidentally came across it
when I was going through my fan mail.

I was halfway through it
before I realized it was your play.

- You read the whole script?
- Well, most of it.

I'm surprised it held
your interest that long.

- It doesn't have any pictures.
- Come on, Murray.

The point is, Ted submitted it,
and they're gonna do it.
That's the important thing.

It's important to me too.
You see, I'll undoubtedly play the lead.

If you'd like some tickets,
Murr, I might arrange it for you.

Maybe he won't
be too bad.

The star of the play that
I worked on for three years...

can't pronounce
the names of states.

- Oh.
- [Knocking]
- [Rhoda] Mary?

- Mary, you in there?
- Yeah. Come on in, Rhoda.

Mary, I haven't seen you all week.
Where've you been?

Why don't you call me? Do you care
that I was worried sick about you?

Wait, don't answer. I left home
because of questions like that.

- Okay. I won't answer.
- Good.

So, where have you been?
Tonight, for example?

I was, uh, at the theater.

They don't dress up much for that
anymore, do they? What'd you see?

- Well, I didn't exactly see anything.
- Bad seats?

No. Oh, Rhoda, if I tell you,
you'll make a whole big deal out of it.

I'll make a whole big deal
out of it if you don't tell me.

That's true.

- Well, I'm in, uh... sort of a play.
- Oh.

I didn't tell you, because I knew
if I did you'd start putting it down.

- Why would I do that?
- Because you're very, uh...

- Competitive?
- Well, yeah.

You're wrong. I'm very pleased
you got a big part in a play.


So what did you
have to do to get it?

What happened is that Murray
wrote a play about a newsroom,

and there's a part in it,
a girl who works there...

who's single
and whose name is Mary.

- Wonder why they thought of you.
- [Laughs]

Well, what's she like,
this girl in the play?

Real cute and perky,

Uh, well, yeah.
Ted Baxter talked me into auditioning
for the part, and I got it.

You know, it's really kind of fun.
I'm having a lot of fun with it.

You know, Mary, I've had quite a bit
of theatrical experience myself.

Oh, really?
No, I didn't know that.

- Barbra Streisand and I went
to high school together.
- Uh-huh.

We did. Well, not exactly together.
She was there three years after I was.

But it was definitely
the same high school.

Well, with all that, uh,
theatrical background, then,

[Chuckles] you undoubtedly know
it's not all tinsel and glitter, right?

I mean, Rhoda, look,
I do have to memorize this play
by day after tomorrow, so...


You know, Mary, it gets,
uh, lonely at the top.

At least that's what Barbs
always used to tell me.

Rhoda, would you do me a favor?
Please don't start treating me
like I'm in show business.

I'm still working in the newsroom. This
is just something I'm doing for fun.

- Okay. Good night, Mary.
- Good night.

So what are you gonna
change your name to?

- Good morning, Mary.
- Hi, Murray.

I thought rehearsal went pretty well
last night, didn't you?

Well, it's coming along,
except for Ted.

You know, you're really very good.
You've got a real flair for comedy.

Oh, thanks. I had a little
stage experience in college.

- Oh? Like what?
- I was a homecoming princess.

- That's terrific training all right.
- Yeah.

Well, who needs experience
when the part is that good?

- I mean, it's so funnily written.
- Hey, thanks.

- Hey, Murray?
- Hmm?

- Do you really think I'm that dumb?
- What are you talking about?

Well, it can't be a coincidence.
The girl I play has my name,

she works at my job and is
pretty much of a, you know, dum-dum.

Mary, it isn't you.

Sure, the character is somewhat
like you in some ways.

But I made that stuff up about her being
a dum-dum for the sake of the comedy.

Look, I'm a writer. Some of it
is like you and some of it isn't.

Wh- What about the part about her being,
uh, attra-attractive?

- That was based on you.
- Oh, yeah? Thank you.


I took the liberty of reading
your script last night,

and it's very good.

- Thank you, Lou.
- Very good.

However, I'm a little confused
about the character...

who's the head
of the newsroom.

Believe he's called "Lou."

Every time he speaks,
he seems to be yelling or shouting.

Does somebody around here
named Lou do that?

Mr. Grant,
Murray is a writer.

Some of it is like you
and some of it isn't.

Oh, I see.
I was certain that was it.

I was also fairly certain
that in your rewrite...

you'd change the name
of that character.

- You know, I intended to do that.
- I thought you'd might. Thank you.

Oh, Murr. Heh!

I'm having a little disagreement
with the director.

He refuses to put up
applause signs.

Uh, Ted, I don't think they have
applause signs in the theater.

Then how do the people know
when to laugh or applaud?

In your case,
it might be a problem.

Another thing, Murr. I think the script
needs a little pinching up.

You mean "punching up,"
and who said it needs punching up?

My lines are a little weak.
Everybody's getting laughs but me.

Work on it, will ya, Murr?
I've gotta have it all put
on cue cards pretty soon.

- If there is nothing else,
I have work to do.
- About my part, the anchorman.

I'm sure it'd be easy to punch it up
a little. It's so rich with material.

Actually, it was
the hardest part to write.

- Oh? Why's that?
- Because, Ted, basically,

I consider anchormen
to be colorless and dull.

Many of them are.

Work on it anyway,
will you, Murr?

This must be fun for you,
seeing your play come alive like this.

Come on, Murray. There are some
good points about Ted being in the play.

- Name one.
- Well, like, he got it produced
for you in the first place.

- Name one.
- Come on, Murray. It's your play.

People are finally
gonna see it.

- You had to say that? The fewer people
who'll see it, the better.
- Oh!

Oh, Murr,
I just remembered.

I think I have
a marvelous surprise for you.

- You have a case
of laryngitis coming on?
- Oh, no!

I have pulled off
the coup of the year.

I arranged forJohn Stymetz
to come see us opening night.

That's good.
At least we'll have one person there.

Happens to be the drama critic
for the Times-Herald.

Pulled a couple of strings,
and he's coming to review us.

Mary, remember how
rotten I felt...

- when I thought my play
was being rejected again?
- Uh-huh.

Well, looking back
on that now,

I think it was a high point
of my career.

Believe me, Mary, I'm not putting
you on. You were really good.

And you know how
competitive I am.

I was just playing myself,
Rhoda... cute and perky and dumb.

Hey, you want to know
how good you were?

You were so good,
I was filled with hate and envy.

- You're not just saying that?
- No, I mean it.


Boy, oh, boy.
That Ted Baxter?

- I now have a new standard
for terrible. Oh!
- Yeah.

I can't imagine what that critic
is gonna say about it.

Maybe I better tell you now.
Sort of soften the blow.

I was sitting next to him,
and he kept taking notes.

He was writing down words
like "bad" and "awful"...

and a couple I don't
think they'll print.

No, Rhoda, I saw where you were sitting.
It was next to the director.

- Hey, will you give me a hand?
- Sure, whatever.

- Put this dip on the table.
- Mary, I think one is plenty.

From what I could hear, not that many
people are gonna come to the party.

How'd you get stuck giving
a cast party anyway?

In New York, we'd all go to Sardi's
and wait for the reviews.

Hey, that's a great idea. Let's go
to New York and wait for the review.

- [Doorbell Buzzing]
- I'll get it.
- Thanks.

Hey, listen, no matter what you think,
you were terrific tonight.


Hi, Ted.

- We were just talking about you.
- Thank you. Thank you.

Ted, you've met my friend,
Rhoda Morgenstern, haven't you?

- Yes, we've met.
- No, I don't believe we have.

I guess I've met you,
but you haven't met me.

I guess that's it.

Oh, what did you
think of me tonight?

Well, uh, Ted, you were,
uh, just incredible.

- Oh, ho! You're too generous.
- Yes.

Say, Mar, I lost track.
How many curtain calls were there?

- One.
- [Buzzing]

- That must be Murray and Marie.
- [Ted]
I'll bet he's a happy man tonight.


Author! Author!


Where are your friends? The ones
that were with you at the theater?

- They had to go home.
- It was right after the first act.

Oh, what a darling apartment.

- I thought that the play went
just great, didn't you, Mary?
- Oh...

Murray wrote quite a play.
I'm so proud of you, honey. [Laughs]

- And you were really just great, Mary.
- Well, with a part like that...

Oh, ho!
[Clears Throat]

Uh, what did you
think of me?

You were just...


Thank you, thank you.
What did you think, Murr?

- You were...
everything I expected you to be.
- Thank you, thank you.

- Well, can I get a drink for anyone?
- Nothing for me, Mar.

- I'd love some milk.
- I'll have a double scotch.

- He's drinking for two.
- Oh!

The only good thing is,
he or she wasn't here to see the play.

You know, I think it went
awfully well tonight.

I'm sorry I forgot a few lines,
but I think I ad-libbed
my way out of it very neatly.

Ted, saying "excuse me"
and walking off the stage...

to check your script
is not an ad-lib!

- By the way, Mary, where's Lou?
- He stopped off at the Times-Herald
to pick up the reviews.

- Oh. Is there such a thing
as a triple scotch?
- Oh...

Say, Mar, you're too modest.
Why didn't you come out with me
for that second bow?

Because I thought we were supposed
to wait until someone applauded.

I'll get your milk.

- What are you doing in here?
- Trying to think of
a new word to tell Ted...

if he asks me again
what I thought of his acting.

I've run out of noncommittal ways
of saying "rotten."

Would you just get out there? I invited
you here because you're fun at a party.

I'm fun at a party where
there's a lot of single men,

and you do what my mother
used to refer to as "mixing."

I am not fun at a party where one of
the men is here with his pregnant wife,

and the other one
is going steady with himself.

Would you just please go out there
and get the conversation started?

- But just don't bring up anything
that has anything to do with acting.
- Gotcha.

Hi, all.

Did any of you know that I went
to high school with Barbra Streisand?



And then, when Barbra and I
were in the tenth grade,

we started
harmonizing together.

That's when I told her. "Barbs,"
I said, "don't get your nose fixed."

And the rest, of course,
is history.

Mar, what did you
think of me?

Oh, Ted...
playing opposite you was just...

- [Buzzing]
- Thank you.

- Mr. Grant, how's the review?
- Well...

He loved it, right?
What'd he say? What'd he say?

- I can't find it. Where is it?
- Reviews aren't on the front page, Ted.

It's on page 26.

"Tragedy Strikes Twin Cities."

Wait a minute.
That's not it. There.

- "Bomb Hits Minneapolis."
- That's it.

"There's been the atomic,
there's been the hydrogen...

"and now,
the worst bomb of them all,

"a play about a newsroom
called All Work and No Play.

I'll vouch for the second part.
There's no play here."

How does he
like it so far?

Mary, why don't you read the rest of it
so Ted can hear it?

"Not everything about the evening
was a catastrophe.

"The intermission
was satisfactory.

- " The main character
is a TV anchorman...
- I want absolute quiet.

If I were you,
I'd ask for noise.

"played by an actor
named Ted Baxter...

"who obviously has no conception
of what a TV anchorman is like.

Maybe it was a mistake
to make him pay for his ticket.

"As you all know, I have long been
an opponent of nudity on the stage.

"However, in this case,
I would make an exception.

"At least it would give the audience
something to look at.

He didn't even like my suit.

As for the performance
of Mary Richards..."

Oh... well...

Oh, ho-ho-ho, can't take
a little criticism, eh?

Well, if Murray can take it
and I can take it, you can take it.

Listen to this. "A s for the performance
of Mary Richards,

she was the one adequate note
in a dismal evening."

He liked her.

So, Marie, what are you hoping for?
A boy or girl?

Oh, yes.

- Morning, Murray.
- Hi.

What's the matter?

Nothing's the matter. Everything's
great. I'm an ex-playwright, okay?

Or as John Stymetz so aptly put it,

- It's a good play, Murray.
- John Stymetz didn't think so.

- So? He's only one person.
- But he told half a million.

That doesn't mean
they'll all believe it.

No? My sister already canceled
her tickets for tonight.

Murray, I can't believe
that you're going to let...

one man's opinion really
get to you like this.

I mean, you have
to trust yourself.

You must know your play is good,
even if the production was lousy.

A writer has to know
these things.

Like, I wrote a book,

and I don't care
what anyone says.

I know my book...

is rotten.

Lou, I don't want to discuss
last night anymore.

I'm a lucky guy.
I enjoy this crummy job.

- What's so bad about being
a no-talent failure?
- Ohh!

Good morning, everybody.

See how beautiful
being called "adequate" is?

Murray, if what I have here doesn't
make you feel better, then nothing will.

I don't think Norman Vincent Peale's
gonna do it for me today, thanks.

These are books
of play reviews,

including some ofJohn Stymetz's
more memorable criticisms...

when he was reviewing plays
in New York.

- [Lou] Mary, what are you doing?
- Would you just listen, please?

"In my time, I have been to some
funerals and even a couple of wakes,

"but last night
was a first for me.

"I watched an actual death,
a happy little number...

that should take a hint and expire
quickly, Death of a Salesman. "

- You're kidding.
- No. It's right there.

Listen to this little beauty.

"If you love George Bernard Shaw
coupled with great music,

"I suggest you put Mozart
on your phonograph and read Pygmalion.

"But don't go to see
an abomination called...

- My Fair Lady. "
- My Fair Lady.

Lou, he hated My Fair Lady!

He hates everything!

Wait till I read you what he said
about Richard Burton's Hamlet.

- He didn't like Burton?
- He didn't like the play!

John Stymetz hasn't liked
one major Broadway hit...

in the ten years
he's been reviewing plays.

- He hates everything.
- What did I tell you, Murray?

But I wanted to be
the first thing he liked.

Murray, the point is,
he has been wrong every time.

I wonder... Does that mean
that I wasn't even adequate?

Hi, guys.
Hey, listen to this.

"Last night a new star was born
in Minneapolis.

"His name is Ted Baxter,

and the Twin Cities has rarely witnessed
such a virtuoso performance."

- Ted, that's fantastic.
- I know.

Now if I can only
get someone to print it.

Thank you. Thank you.