Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 1, Episode 2 - Today I am a Ma'am - full transcript

# How will you make it
on your own #

# This world is awfully big #

# And, girl
this time you're all alone #

# But it's time
you started living #

# It's time you let someone else
do some giving #

# Love is all around #

# No need to waste it #

# You can have the town
Why don't you take it #

# You might just make it #

# After all #

# You might just make it
after all ##



You all know how
I hate long meetings.

So I figured out a way
to cut down on the give and take.

I'll give, you take.

I'm not saying
there's cause for alarm,

but I would like to get a little
constructive hysteria going.

- There's a drop in the ratings again.
- How far?

- Go ahead, Mary. Read 'em.
- Let's see. 6:00 news.

Last week we were a 1.1.

Then we plummeted down to a 1.0.

What does that mean? An entire
family of midgets tuned us out?

Look, a drop in the ratings may not
seem like a big deal to you,

but if it continues this way,
I could lose my job.

Nobody went, "Aww!"

Oh, Mr. Grant.



- We're losing the young audience.
- Gee, I don't know why.

I like the show. I watched it
even before I came to work here.

You're not young anymore.

- l-I'm not?
- Check the ratings book.

It's broken down into age groups.
Young is 18 to 29.

- You don't make it anymore.
- l-I don't?

Hi, gang. I heard there was
a big powwow going on here.

- It's our ratings, Ted.
- Oh, are they up?

Does this look
like a celebration?

Now, does anybody have any suggestions
about improving the show?

Improving the show.

Well, we could make it longer.

No, Ted,
you've missed the point.

If it's not doing too hot now,

that would make it
not doing too hot stretched out.

Lou, why don't we all
write out on slips of paper...

what we feel the main drawback
of the show is?

- Then have them read anonymously.
- Why anonymously?

So Ted's feelings
won't be hurt.

- Ted Baxter?
- Yo.

- Got some mail for you. Fan mail.
- Fan mail for a newscaster?

That crazy,
kooky American public.

Fan mail.
Only in America.

- Here you go.
- That's it?

Yes, sir.

Uh, excuse me, ma'am. Ma'am?

Ma'am? Oh, you mean me?

- Yes, ma'am.
- Ma'am?

This kid...
No, he wasn't even a kid.

He must have been 21
or 22 years old.

He comes over to me
and he calls me "ma'am." Ma'am!

- Your first time?
- Yeah.

Not only that, I found out
that our ratings service...

has declared me
officially over the hill.

That's nothing. When I turned 21
and still wasn't married,

my mother officially
declared me an old maid.

I think she had it notarized.

Wait a minute, Rhoda.
Let's stop this.

If there's one thing
that's worse than being single,

it's sitting around
talking about being single.

So let's change the subject
to something a little more pleasant.

Like pollution?

This is important, Mar.

There are many single women who've
lived perfectly fulfilled lives.

Who?

I'm getting a pencil, paper
and make a list.

No, Rhoda, I am not about to sit around
and make lists of single women.

We're not. We're gonna make lists
of single men to go out with.

We go out all the time.

Yeah, but when was the last time you
went out with someone really terrific?

- Well...
- Last time for me...

was when my father
took me to a ball game.

Come in.

- Hi, Mary!
- Hi.

I just came up to bring back
the ice cubes I borrowed.

I didn't need them after all.

This is a bag of water, Phyllis.

Oh!

I stopped downstairs to talk
to Mildred for a few minutes.

- Want me to refreeze them for you?
- This is fine, thank you.

What's that, a word-game thing?

It's nothing, really.
We can do it later.

We're trying to think
of men to go out with.

That was Rhoda Morgenstern
with the 8:00 news.

Listen, if you really want to
go out with someone fantastic,

look in your own backyard...
Ted Baxter.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

I might have been kind of bowled over
by his good looks in the beginning,

but he's good-looking
in that...

good-looking way.

He always looks to me like
he's posing for a postage stamp.

First impressions
can really be so wrong.

Like Lars and me. Did I ever
tell you when I first met him?

No, I don't think so.

When I first met him...
This sounds ridiculous.

I know you're gonna think
I'm insane.

When I first met Lars,

I used to think he was boring.

Isn't that the funniest thing
you ever heard?

Really, I'm serious.

Of course, now we just
couldn't be happier.

We've been married 10...
11 years.

Let's think. What man in your life...
it could have been a long time ago...

or someone you just met...
do you wish you knew better?

- There was this professional dancer.
- Not you, Phyllis.

Mary, come on.
There must have been somebody.

- Anyone recently?
- No.

- Think back, then.
- No.

Yes, there was.

Remember, Mary?
Howard Arnell.

Howard Arnell!

Phyllis, how did you even
come up with that name?

Lars ran into him a while ago.
He's still single, still asks about you.

- He was wild about Mary.
- Then that settles it.

Now all we need
is someone for me.

What do you mean,
that settles it?

I have an idea for someone,
but, nah, it's too crazy.

- Then again, maybe it isn't.
- Remember how wild he was about you?

Listen, Rhoda, nothing is settled.
Phyllis, it was four years ago.

- I hardly remember him.
- He was wild about her.

Listen, Mary, if you call yours,
I'll call mine.

And my whole thing is crazy.

All right. What's yours?

Mine is this guy I ran over.

He had a cleft chin.
Oh, he was adorable.

This guy you ran over?

Yeah, it was
a couple of days ago.

But he wasn't hurt.
His arm was just a little grazed.

Although his briefcase
was totaled.

We got to talking...

and exchanged phone numbers...
ah, here it is.

"Armond Lynton."
So what do you think?

You don't know this man outside
of hitting him with your car?

No, and I know you're
gonna think I'm kidding,

but you can really get close to someone
fast when you hit him with a car.

You can't just get to know someone
over coffee, can you?

You're not gonna
believe this, Phyllis,

but when I first hit him,
I thought he was boring.

So, Mary, what do you think?

We're not doing a thing tomorrow night.
Let's call Howard and Armond.

What do I think?

You want to call up a man
you hit with your car,

and I'm supposed to call up
someone I hardly remember?

There's not much to think about.
I'm not gonna do it.

Oh, good. Bess is having her first
pajama party tomorrow night.

You can help. We're having 19
of her little friends over.

You can even come early and help
blow up the air mattresses.

Actually, I didn't say that I was
definitely not gonna call Howard.

But, you know, if I don't,

then I'd be glad to come and help you
blow up the 18 air mattresses.

Nineteen.

And I won't be there. My mother's
going to take care of the kids.

Lars and I, we're going to
spend the night in a hotel.

Right here. Howard Arnell.

Come on. We both said we have
nothing to do tomorrow night.

- Oh, Rhoda!
- Nineteen little friends.

Ohh!

Nineteen air mattresses.

All right.

- We'll make it for drinks, not dinner.
- Good.

It'll be easier that way.
What'll I tell him? 8:30?

Perfect.

Uh, hello, Howard.

You'll never guess who this is.

Well, that's uncanny.

I mean, it's been four years.

Is that right? Four years,
three months and two weeks.

Yeah, you're right, Howard.
There is a lot to talk about.

Actually, that's why I'm calling.

I'm gonna have a little gathering
at my house tomorrow night about 8:30.

I wondered if you could come.
Oh, good.

The address is
119 North Wetherley.

Right.
So, uh, I'll see you then.

What?

Howard, it's sweet of you to offer,
but no, I have enough chairs.

Yeah.

No, glasses aren't
any problem either.

Well, uh, listen, Howard.
I've gotta get off the phone.

I have something
in the stove, so, uh...

What?

Howard, that's sweet of you to offer.
At your place?

No, really, it's no problem.

Howard, listen, I've got to go.
My bathwater is running over.

So, uh...

Well, thank you, Howard.
Coming! In just a minute!

Howard, listen, I really...
I must go.

So I'll see you Friday...
tomorrow night. Right.

Good-bye. Oh. Ohh!

I remember. I remember.

I remember why
I broke off with Howard.

Go on.

Too much.

Too much loving,
too much understanding,

too much giving.

Too much!

It's impossible to hold
a normal conversation with him.

Maybe I can call him back
and tell him I'm sick.

If it weren't for the fact that
I have the phone in my hand...

and am already dialing Armond's number,
I'd say, of course, sure.

But under the circumstances,
call it off?

Call off a cleft chin?

Hello, Armond?

Armond,
this is Rhoda Morgenstern.

You remember me.
We met when you were under my car.

Oh, yes, right. That's me.

I thought I'd give you a buzz and see
how you and your arm are getting along.

Yeah. Oh, I'm so glad
to hear that.

Listen, Armond,
while I have you on the phone,

tomorrow night a friend of mine
is having some people over.

I wondered if you cared
to drop by...

just so I can take a look
at the patient.

Oh, great! Oh, I'm so glad.

It's 119 North Wetherley.

Right. What?

Oh, of course. Lovely.

Yes, see you then,
Armond. Bye.

Am I smiling, Mary?

- Yeah.
- Was I smiling when I talked to him?

- Sure.
- Good.

'Cause if I'm smiling now,
that means I can smile anytime.

I can even smile tomorrow night
when you and I have our little fivesome.

- Our little fivesome?
- That's right.

Armond is bringing his wife.

Ohh.

Mary, are you sure
this looks okay?

- I feel so fat.
- Yeah, it looks fine.

You think this munchy stuff is enough?
Everybody will have eaten dinner.

That's just right.

How can you gorge yourself
like that and stay so skinny?

- I'm going crazy with hunger.
- Well, eat something.

I can't. I gotta lose
ten pounds by 8:30.

This dress is all wrong, Mar.

I wonder if I should
have worn my pantsuit.

Maybe I should call my date,
see what his wife's wearing.

You really had no idea,
no hint at all, that he was married?

No idea at all, but I'll tell you,
I was thinking about it this morning.

I don't feel strange in the least
about going out with a divorced person.

- What do you mean? He's married.
- Now he's married.

And suppose now
he's happily married?

You know, sometimes
you're very depressing.

Boy, I wish they'd get here.

No, I don't.
I just wish it were over.

You're nervous over nothing.

I don't see what your big gripe is
about Howard. I mean, so he likes you.

No, no. No, Rhoda,
he doesn't like me.

He likes me!

All that love
just rushing at you.

That, as my grandmother
used to say,

should be the worst thing
that should happen to you.

Get that stuff away from me.
I'm fainting from hunger.

It isn't gonna kill you
to eat something.

Break my diet
the day I see Armond?

Not a chance.

Geronimo.

Hello, I'm Mary Richards.

Good evening. I'm Armond Lynton,
and this is my wife, Mrs. Armond Lynton.

How do you do?

- Can I take your coat?
- Thank you very much.

Oh, just call me Nancy.
He loves to call me Mrs. Armond Lynton.

We've only been married
for three weeks.

- That's how Rhonda and I met.
- Rhoda.

Excuse me. Rhoda.

Armond and I think it's just
wonderful of you to have us over.

I mean,
considering how you met.

I think it's just super that we
should all be good friends.

Isn't it?

When I ran over Armond, I never dreamt
I'd find myself a new girlfriend, Nancy.

Excuse me.

- Got ya! Oh-ho!
- H-Howard?

I just had to get that on film
after all these years.

Ohh, Mary... Uh...

- Ohh, Mary!
- Ohh... Howard.

I can't believe it!

- Mary Richards!
- Yes.

It's so good
to see you, Howard.

- Would you like to come in?
- Just try to stop me.

Must be kidding. After all
these years, do I want to come in?

Boy, oh, boy,
is she wonderful? Ahh.

Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm another person in the room.

- Rhoda Morgenstern.
- Howard Arnell. How do you do?

And this is my date,
Mr. and Mrs. Armond Lynton.

Excuse me.
I strained my arm.

- Can I get you a drink?
- Oh, sure, Mar.

The, uh, the usual.

- Uh, the usual?
- Yeah.

- Scotch and s...
- Scotch and s...

- Scotch and soda.
- Yeah, I knew you'd remember.

Oh, Mary, I just can't
get over how you look.

Terrific! A-1 terrific.

Isn't that little gal there
the most gorgeous thing on the Earth?

- Isn't she?
- I'm supposed to answer that.

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.
She certainly is...

- A-1 terrific.
- Yeah.

- That's nice of you to say, but really!
- Oh, no, no, no.

Come on.
Who's more gorgeous than you?

- Oh, Howard.
- No, name one person.

- Lots of people.
- Who?

- Well, there's...
- Her.

Well, after all, beauty is
in the eye of the beholder, right?

I mean, Mary is great looking,
and Nancy's gorgeous.

And Rhoda's nice looking too.

Yeah.

Guess how long it's been
since Mar and I saw each other.

No, come on.
Just take a potshot.

Howard, they're not interested
in guessing how long it's been.

Oh, all right.

I'll tell ya.

The last time I saw Mary...

was the Fourth of July, 1966.

Oh, and you remember it
because it was Independence Day.

No, 'cause it's
the last time I saw Mary.

Uh...

I think I'll just go see
if there are some more bacon curls.

- Not too many.
- Me either.

I don't want to spoil my dinner.

Look at that woman.
Boy, are we in for a treat.

You are looking at the greatest little
gourmet cook in the Western Hemisphere.

Uh, Rhoda, could I see you
in the kitchen...

- for just a moment?
- Sure.

- Excuse me, Armond.
- Certainly.

And Nancy. Oh, and Howard.

Rhoda, I thought 8:30
so obviously meant after dinner.

- Maybe you can whip up something quick.
- Whip up something quick.

Right, right.
Yes, I can whip up a carrot.

I can whip up a baked potato.
Nothing! Nothing!

The only thing I have
in my refrigerator is a lightbulb.

I'm just gonna have to go out there
and tell 'em. What else can I do?

I don't know what
she'll be cooking.

Either chicken in pineapple shell
or duckling with wine sauce.

Uh, listen, everybody,

on the subject of the duck
in the wine sauce,

there's been kind of
an interesting situation.

And the situation is that...

you thought that this
was for dinner,

and, of all things, it's not.

- You're saying this isn't for dinner?
- No, I'm not saying that.

Yes, that's what I'm saying.

Well, it really doesn't matter.

I mean, it really doesn't matter
because... because, uh...

Because we've eaten. We had a late lunch
before we came here. Seriously.

Yes, seriously, we did.
Right before.

Also, I had a very big breakfast.

- We're stuffed.
- Well, if you're sure?

Oh, yeah, really.

Say, this is such
a nice apartment.

Don't you think this
is a nice apartment, Nancy?

- Oh, I certainly do.
- It's really pleasant.

Incidentally, are there
any more of those...

- Bacon curls?
- Yeah.

Um, no.

- How 'bout a carrot?
- Thank you.

You know, Mar, I just
can't get over how you look.

I mean,
you are really something.

Most gals, you know, look their best
when they're in their 20s.

But this little gal here,
I'm telling you.

Mary, the older you get,
the sexier you look.

Uh, Howard.

Say, I've got an idea...
for posterity.

Yeah, that's a good idea.
Pictures.

Who knows when Nance and I
will see each other again?

Howard, you really
wanna do that now?

Oh, no, we can wait
till after dinner. Oh.

Isn't that funny? Why do I think
we're gonna have dinner?

I've got a good idea, Howard. Why don't
you take some pictures of us all?

Okay. Come here.
Help me out here, Armond.

I'm dying to get a couple
of Mar and I together.

I'm not sure I know
about this kind of camera.

What's to know?
Just push the button there.

Well, okay.

Oh! G...

I'm terribly sorry.

It's really all my fault.

No, no, it's all right.

I don't know how to apologize.

No, no.
Listen, it's all right.

It's just the pictures I took
of the total eclipse of the sun.

Mary, I think
we'd better be going.

We both want to thank you
for a lovely evening.

- The bacon curls were delicious.
- I'll get your coats.

I have to get up early in the morning
anyway. I'm playing golf.

- It's snowing.
- Well, I'm not that good.

- Good night. We enjoyed it.
- Have to do it again.

- Yeah, assuredly.
- Thank you.

- Thank you, Mary.
- Good night.

The next total eclipse
in Minneapolis...

is in 2099.

- No kiddin'.
- Yeah.

Of course,
there's a partial in 1979.

That's only nine years.

Excuse me, please.

I'm going into the kitchen,
and I'm not coming out...

until I find something edible.

Mary, you're not tired or anything?

Uh, well, I am a little.

It's been kind of a long evening.

Yes, and I know what you've
been thinking all evening too.

- Oh, n-no, I haven't.
- Yes, yes, you have.

You've been thinking
what I've been thinking...

how great we are together.

- That's it, isn't it?
- Well, not exactly.

No, not exactly, no.

You want me to say what exactly is?
Do you want me to say the words?

I'll say the words... marriage.
There, I said the words.

I'm not surprised at this.

You're a woman. You have a right
to expect something to come of this.

No, Howard, I don't think
I have that right.

Yes. Yes, you do.

Ah, Mary.

You're so great.

You're so great,
you'll probably understand this.

Mary, I can't marry you.

You can't?

Well, Howard, I understand.

I really do.

I gotta have my freedom.
I gotta!

See, the way things are now, Mar,

I'm free just to pick up and go...

whenever I please,
wherever I please.

The sky is the limit.

I get the desire
to jet up to Duluth,

one phone call, that's it.

I get the urge maybe
to spend a weekend in St. Paul,

it's done.

See, I can't be tied down.

You do understand, don't you?

Oh, Howard, I really do.
I understand.

No, no. I don't think
you do understand.

Yes, I do.

I'd just be hurt, and you're
saving me from all that hurt.

I mean, wow!

I never knew anyone
who saved me from so much hurt.

l...

I better go.

Even the sound of your voice
makes me crazy.

If you say one more word,
you'll make me change my mind.

Uh... Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.

Where's my coat?

Mary Richards.

Little Mary Richards.

Say, Mar, you know something?

I'd like to have something of yours,
you know, to remember tonight.

Uh...

Well, uh...

Oh, no, come on. That's too nice.

- Here, let me pay you for it.
- Oh, no, Howard.

Really, it's broken.
It leaks fluid.

Come on, tell me. I insist.
Ten, twenty. Twenty-eight.

Howard, please, just take it.

Thanks, Mar.

Mary, no good-byes, huh?

- Right.
- Good-bye, Mary.

- Good-bye, Howard.
- Good-bye.

- Did he leave?
- Uh, yeah, he left.

He... He wants me to forget him.

See, he's gotta be free.

- Is that what he said?
- Yeah, yeah.

Then he took my lighter
and he walked out of my life forever.

Rhoda, never, never again.

Right. Tonight I took a vow,
and I'm gonna keep it.

- What's that?
- Next time I'm asked out,

no matter how lonely I feel,

I'm not gonna say yes unless
it's a couple I really like.