Mary Tyler Moore (1970–1977): Season 1, Episode 19 - We Closed in Minneapolis - full transcript

A large package has arrived in the mail for Murray from a theater company. He expects it is the latest in a long line of rejection notices for his play, which is a comedy about life in a television newsroom and which took him three years to write. He is thus pleasantly surprised to find that it is an acceptance letter. His excitement is tempered when he finds out that it is from the Twin Cities Playhouse - a local company he didn't submit the play to - where Ted, who is the one that submitted it to them, is the resident leading man. Murray is even more horrified when he learns that Ted has invited a local theater critic to review the production, which Murray expects will be ruined solely because of Ted in the leading role. Mary, on the other hand, auditions for the production for the role of the perky and cute associate producer character named Mary, which she gets. After the opening night performance, will Murray, Ted or Mary have a new future in the theater? Murray's feelings about the review change by some later news from Mary.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
♪ How will you make it
on your own ♪

♪ This world is awfully big ♪

♪ And, girl
this time you're all alone ♪

♪ But it's time
you started living ♪

♪ It's time you let someone else
do some giving ♪

♪ Love is all around ♪

♪ No need to waste it ♪

♪ You can have the town
Why don't you take it ♪

♪ You might just make it ♪

♪ After all ♪

♪ You might just make it
after all ♪♪

My photographer says
he's having a heck of a time.

Almost sent me Cary Grant's
pictures by mistake.

For some zany reason,
he thinks I look like Cary Grant.

Except he's got a deeper cleft.

Yes. You know, I keep leaving
little notes to myself...

remember, Cary is the one
with the deep cleft.

Not that mine
is shallow, mind you.

It's just that his
is so abnormally deep.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Long lunch hour, Mar?
- Uh, no, no.

I wasn't at lunch all that time.
I... had a doctor's appointment.

Murray, do you think you could take over
the production charts for me...

for a couple of days?

- I'm gonna be out.
- Sure. Is anything wrong?

No. No, hey, no.
Everything is just fine.

I just, uh...
I'm going into the hospital.

- Hospital. Are you okay?
- Tell us everything, Mar. What's wrong?

Maybe she doesn't want
to talk about it.

Why shouldn't she want
to talk about it?

Sometimes people don't want
to talk about these things.


Mary, sometimes it helps
to talk about these things.

Look, Murray, it...
it is so inconsequential.

It isn't even anything.
I'm only gonna be gone a couple of days.

Is Mr. Grant in his office? I have to
have him sign a couple of forms.

- Yes, he's in there.
- Okay.

Uh, Mar.

Mar, I may be a little
out of line, but...

before you do anything drastic
in a hospital, I just want to say...

that I like your nose
the way it is.


If you want me to sign
this hospitalization form,

I have to know what I'm signing.

And you haven't filled in the part
about why you're going in.

It's, uh, it's not
one of those woman subjects?

Uh, no.

- It's not dangerous?
- No.

So what is it?
Can't you give me a little hint?

Mr. Grant, it's just...
it's such a teensy, little thing.

Correct me if I'm wrong,

but I don't think that where it says,
"Reason for hospitalization,"

they'll accept
"teensy, little thing."


- I'll tell you.
- No calls.

I'm having my tonsil out.

Your tonsil?


See, I had them out when I was a kid,
but one of them grew back.

I told you it was just
a teensy, little thing.

Mm-hmm. So what are you making
such a big deal out of it for?

I'm not making a big deal. I told you
it was a teensy, little thing.

Calling it a teensy, little thing
made a big deal out of it.

How come you're keeping it
such a big secret?

It's a little embarrassing to be having
your tonsils out when you're 30.

Oh, yeah. 'Cause it's something
only kids have done.

Right, and on top of that,
it's only one tonsil.

Mm-hmm. Well, let me put
your mind at ease.

Any time you're having
a tonsil out at your age,

it can be pretty serious.

Well, I mean, any time you're
lying on an operating table,

and there's some guy with a knife
standing over you...

See, that's another reason that I wasn't
particularly anxious to talk about it.

Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Look, forget what I said.
It's just a kids' operation.

I'm very nervous about it.

I have a thing about hospitals.
I know it's silly, but...

No, I know how you feel.

Can I see you for a second?
I need you to check out this story.

- Come on in.
- Just came in over the wire.

- "Tonsils"!
- Oh, I don't believe it!

If you didn't
want us to be curious,

you shouldn't have made
a big deal out of it.

Well, that's nothing.

Something kids get.
Nothing like my operation.

What did you have, a lobotomy?

I don't know.

- Well, what was it, Ted?
- Surgery.

Well, you don't think you're born
with a face like this, do you?


- Aaah!
- Happy tonsil day!

Rhoda, it's not today.
It's tomorrow.

- All right then. Happy tonsil eve.
- [Noisemaker Honks]

- How long you gonna keep this up?
- Keep what up, Mary?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I got an anonymous gift certificate
for ice cream yesterday.

I figured it was from you.

Listen, I meant to tell you, there's
a toy ambulance parked downstairs.

- Is that for you?
- Are you finished?

No, I got one more.

Now, little Mary Richards, you're
going bye-bye to a nice, white room.

Yes, you are.
You put your little "headie"down...

and go to sleep
and have sweet dreams.

And then...[Gasps]
the tonsil fairy comes.

- And he yanks out your throat!
- Oh, Rhoda!

Now I'm finished.

Good, 'cause it really
isn't so funny.

Having your tonsils out
at our age can be dangerous.

At our age, having your hair done
could be dangerous.

Mary, please relax. Stop worrying
about it. It's just a kids' thing.

No, no, Rhoda, it's a kids' thing
if a kid is having it done.

If I'm having it done,
it's a grown-up Mary thing.

I don't know.

Seems to me a couple of days
in the hospital would be a nice rest,

especially if you have
a good roommate.

I'll probably have some
brave little six-year-old.

Let's hope it's somebody
I can get along with.

I know what you mean, Mar.

When I went in, I was hoping I'd have
a roommate I could get along with,

but I ended up with a woman.

You know, why don't you
get a private room?

No, my insurance
only covers semiprivate.

It'll be nice to have a roommate,
somebody to talk to.

- [Hoarse Voice] If you can talk.
- Rhoda!

Mary, it's gonna be great.

Lounging around,
being waited on hand and foot,

lying in bed in your
fantastically sexy nightgown.

What fantastically
sexy nightgown?

I'm glad you asked
that question.

Here is your
going-to-the-hospital present.

Try and guess what it is.

Rhoda, if this is a pair
of pajamas with feet in it,

I'll kill you.

Nope. No, uh, feet in that.

Rhoda, listen,
it's really beautiful,

but, y... you know,
to wear this in a hospital,

you have to have led an entirely
different life from the kind I've led.

Now, listen to me, Mary.

You're going to a hospital where
there's 600 bored, restless women.

There'll be, like, 12 interns,
maybe 2 residents. That's it.

In a situation like that,
you take any edge you can get.

Listen, Rhoda, it is...
it's beautiful, really.

But I think I'll save it
for another time.

- [Car Horn Honking]
- Uh, there's the cab.

Will you put the stationery
in the bag for me?



You won't forget to
pick up my mail, will you?

No, I won't forget.
Let me walk you downstairs.

- Okay.
- Let me carry that for you.

Oh, she didn't argue.

You know, Mary,
if your operation goes well,

I'm thinking of having 11 pounds
of fat removed surgically.

- Miss Richards?
- l- I'm in here changing.

Your roommate is switching rooms.
She'll be with you in a minute.

Take either bed.

- Oh, Rhoda!
- Something the matter?

No, no, no. It's just something
a friend of mine did.

- You got a friend in there?
- No. No, no.

Everything is, uh, just fine.


Oh, swell.

They didn't tell me I'd be
rooming with a go-go dancer.

Am I in time for the supper show,
or have you gone on already?

You mean this nightgown thing?
Well, it's not really mine.

Well, this isn't mine either.

I borrowed it
from Princess Grace.

Listen, I was just wondering
which bed you'd like.

Either one is fine with me.

You know, if there
is anything I love,

it is long debates
concerning bed assignments...

when I'm standing here on crutches.

Right. Yes.
I'll take this bed.

- Unless you'd rather have...
- What difference does it make?

- You're right.
- Right, right. Yes.

- I'm, uh, Mary Richards.
- Wonderful.

- C-Can I help you?
- I can do it myself.

I was a little nervous when I
came in and I saw the empty bed.

Boy, you can sure use
company in a hospital.


I understand that you
were in another room.

- Mm-hmm.
- Wh- What was it like?

- Pretty much like this one, I guess.
- Mm-hmm.

So how come, uh,
you changed rooms?

Because of my roommate.

- Your roommate?
- Yeah, she kept wanting to talk.

Hello! Want a TV?

Oh, isn't that nice?
Yes, thank you, I'd like one.

- Oh, good. I get TV for nothing.
- Isn't that nice?

- I didn't know they did that.
- They don't.

You didn't think you
got it for free, did you?

Oh, no. No, no.
No, I knew that.

[Chuckles] Let's see,
I wonder how much it could be.

Brand-new TV only costs,
what, $200.

If they charge you a dollar a day...

- 7.50.
- 7.50?

- Hello.
- Oh, sir.

l... I'm only gonna be in here
for a few days, so I won't need the TV.

Oh. Oh, that's swell.

You are just beautiful!

Here you get me all hyped up for TV,
then you don't want it.

O-On the other hand,
what can it cost?

I'll only be in here
for a couple of days.


This is your remote control.
It shows you how to work it.

Remote control.

Oh, sir, could you tilt that
just a little bit this way?

Move it over just a little bit.
That's fine. Just perfect.

[Man On TV] For 300 points,
who is the prime minister of Canada?

- Marvelous. Yes, that's marvelous.
- [TV: Indistinct Voices]

So you're coming to visit. Would you
turn the sound down on the TV set?

[Turns Off]

Look, Bert, just because I
broke my leg does not mean...

that we are gonna patch things up.

Bert, listen, I can't talk.

There's this go-go dancer here
hanging on to every word I say.

Oh, yeah, okay, marvelous.
So you're coming to visit tomorrow.

Right, I'll circle it
on my calendar. Bye-bye.

Well, did you enjoy
the conversation?

Mrs. Kuhne, you know, it's pretty hard
not to hear a conversation...

when you're just
a couple of feet away.

Listen, we're gonna be in here
for a couple of days together.

Don't you think it'd make life a lot
pleasanter if we both kind of relaxed?

- [Scoffs]
- Hey, how 'bout some candy?

Relax. Relax. There is a laugh
for you. [Chuckles]

I go on my first vacation
in eight years,

go on a skiing weekend, and the
next five minutes, I break my leg.

- Were you just a beginner?
- I didn't even get that far.

Fell on the ice
getting out of the car.

However, I am not here for a broken leg.
I'm here for an ulcer.

- An ulcer?
- Yeah.

The broken leg aggravated
the ulcer my husband gave me.

You've just had one thing right on top
of the other. I don't know how you...

Excuse me. Excuse me.

You have probably noticed by now that
I am not exactly Miss Congeniality.

So why don't you just
go back to your bed, hmm?

Honestly, wouldn't you really much
rather watch the tube than listen to me?

- Not really.
- What are you, weird?

I mean, do you really enjoy
listening to people...

tell you what's wrong with them?

Besides, it's not that serious.
Just an ulcer and a broken leg.

Unless my allergy
to chocolates flares up.

- What are you in for?
- Why don't we turn on the TV?

I wonder if they get
all the channels here.

It's after 6:00.
There is one show I just cannot miss.

Oh, I gotta see that.
Ted Baxter and the news.

You're kidding.

Well, this is the most
fantastic coincidence.

Go on. Guess what I do
for a living.

[Ted On TV] And I'd like
to make a correction...

on the correction I made yesterday.

It seems I was originally correct,

so the correction I made
was, uh, incorrect.

- What an idiot.
- [Ted Continues]

I tell you, this show gives me
the biggest laugh of my day.

So what do you do for a living?

I'm a stewardess.

- Good morning.
- Hi.

I, uh, just wanted to drop in
and say hello before we go into surgery.

I hope everything goes all right.

Well, that's, uh, gonna be
more or less up to you, isn't it?

Oh, no,
I'm your anesthesiologist.

No, I just knock you out.

Well, it's certainly very nice
of you to drop by like this.

Well, I try to make a habit of it.

- Oh, what's this?
- That's my bill.

But you haven't done
anything yet.

I know, but I'm the first person
that everybody forgets about...

when they get out of the hospital.

People, you know, plan on going to see
their doctor again, so he gets paid.

But, uh, who ever wants
to see me again, right?

Well, do you expect me
to pay you n-now?

Oh, no, you don't have to,
unless you want to.

Uh, no, I think
I'd just as soon wait.

Hmm. I didn't think
you'd want to.

Well, good-bye. I guess
I won't be seeing you again.

Listen, l-I'll pay my bill.
I promise.

- I hope you mean that.
- Oh, I do, I do.

Hi, Mary! Hey, you're
lookin' great, kid.

- Ohh.
- How do you feel?

- Fine.
- Hey, that's some terrific nightgown.

- I'll get you for this.
- Hi, Mary's roommate.

Oh, Mrs. Kuhne, I would like you
to meet my friend Rhoda Morgenstern.


I am going to go freshen up,

which, in my case,
could take a week.

At least you didn't get
a six-year-old kid for a roommate.

Poor lady.
Her whole life is such a mess.

She's got a bad leg
and a bad marriage and a bad stomach.

Speaking of stomachs,
how's your throat?

Oh, pretty good.
It went very well.

- It's just a little sore here.
- Good.

Listen, I brought you some ice cream,
but I see you already have some.

Yes, I've been
having some all day.

Rhoda, I couldn't look
at another spoonful.

Oh, I would have been here earlier,
but as I came in the hospital,

I stupidly took a wrong turn
and ended up where?

The doctors' lounge.

Which reminds me,
I brought your bed jacket.

- Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
- Mary.

Your ice cream's gonna melt. I'm gonna
go see if I can find a refrigerator.

- Okay. Thanks.
- Be right back.


- Hello.
- Hi.

I'm here to see Loretta.

- You-You must be Bert.
- Yeah.

You must be the go-go dancer.

I'm not a go-go dancer.

- Loretta said you were a dancer.
- No, I'm a s-stewardess.

Which airline?

- I freelance.
- Freelance?

Hi, Loretta.

Nobody could ever make me
believe you're sick.

You look absolutely terrific.

You said that about Cincinnati.

I'm just trying to say
how nice you look.

You don't lose an ounce of your appeal
to me, even with that broken leg.

That's too bad.

Hey, Loretta, I brought you a new book.
Try to guess what it is.

- The Sensuous Woman.
- Yeah.

I read it.

Found it in a wastepaper basket
in the maternity ward.

- [Phone Rings]
- Hello.

- Hiya, Mary.
- What do you say, Mary?

- Gee, you look terrific.
- Hey, you didn't have to come.

- We know, but we wanted to.
- We missed you.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Murray Slaughter
and, uh, Mr. Grant,

I'd like you to meet
Bert and Loretta Kuhne.

- Wonderful.
- What do you say?

I brought you some ice cream.
Hope you like vanilla.

Oh, I do. A lot.

You better.

Hey, Mary,
I found a refrigerator.

Looks like I have to make another trip.
Hi, Murray. How are you?

[Chuckles] I don't mind
making another trip.

The refrigerator is
in the doctors' lounge.

I'll come back and say good-bye before
I leave, if I ever leave that lounge.

- Pleasant person.
- Yes.

- How are you feeling? How'd it go?
- Oh, just fine.

Just a little, uh, sore.

- Great.
- Great.

And how's everything
at the old salt mines?

- Great.
- Great.

Uh, so when are these
visiting hours over?

Oh, uh, I guess the nurse
will probably come and tell us.

- Oh.
- Yeah, probably.

There's only one chair, Lou.
You wanna take it?

No, no, you take it.
I've been sittin' all day.

Go on.

Yeah, I'm sure it'll
all work out. Bye-bye.

Excuse me.

Bert, what are you writing
all over my cast for?

You're supposed to sign a cast.
You guys wanna sign it?

- I don't know.
- Come on. Write on it.

- We got a whole leg to fill up.
- Okay.

- Come on. You too.
- You sign for me, Murray.

Bert, I would like
to thank you very much...

for making me feel like
Grauman's Chinese Theater.

I come down to cheer you up,
and this is what I get?

Bert, will you hold it down?
Just hold it down.

Excuse me!

Bert, what are you doing here?
I don't even know that man.

You have an absolute stranger
signing my leg.

So, uh, everything went okay, huh?

Just fine.

Good evening, everybody.
Good to see you all.

[Mrs. Kuhne]
Will you cut that TVset down in there?

I don't feel like listening
to that idiot do the news right now!

- What idiot? What did she mean?
- Nothing, nothing.

- We probably should hold it down though.
- Who's behind there anyway?

Listen, Bert, is it
so hard to understand?

I just don't feel like
exercising in my cast right now.

It would do you good. Besides,
that's what's making you so tense.

I enjoy being tense, but if it's
gonna worry you, why don't you leave?

- Then I'll feel a lot less tense.
- Visiting hours are over.

But I won't say anything if you want
to stay an extra ten minutes.


No, rules are rules.

If visiting hours are over,
we'd better go.

- Yeah, uh, I'll see you next week, Mary.
- Okay.

You look terrific.

- Stop goofing off and get back to work.
- Thank you.

I'd like to know who it is
back there called me an idiot.

- I'm gonna leave now.
- Good.

- Loretta, I won't be alone out there.
- Yeah, I know.

Say hello to your mother.

Hey, Bert! Hey, Bert, listen.
Come on back.

It's just I've been
feeling so... Hey, Bert!

- Bert!
- Hey, uh, Bert!

Mrs. Kuhne.

So you have any idea what
this whole thing's gonna cost you?

No, they give you the bill
on the way out.

They don't just
give you the bill.

They shake you by your heels
till they get their money.

Too bad your tonsil
took this long to give out.

Why couldn't this have happened while
your body was still under warranty?

Listen, Rhoda, why don't you go on
downstairs. I'll meet you in a minute.

- I want to wait for Mrs. Kuhne.
- Where is Mary Poppins today?

She's having her cast replastered.

Her cast replastered?

Well, her husband Bert
wrote his name all over it.

Since they've split for good,
she's covering it up.

Hmm, covering it up, huh? Sure.

That's how you know when
a relationship is over...

when you get
your cast replastered.

- This has been the strangest few days.
- How do you mean strange?

Well, I mean,
I've practically lived with her.

I listened to her fights,
I overheard her phone conversations.

And we hardly know each other.
We're perfect strangers still.

Mary, if you're thinking you should
get to know her better, forget it.

The Statue of Liberty
would turn that woman away.

It's just a funny feeling when you know
you're not gonna see anybody again.

- Do you know that feeling?
- Sure.

I get it a lot on first dates.

Mrs. Kuhne.


Mrs. Kuhne, I'm back,

because even though we didn't
really get to know each other,

- still in all...
- Look, I know what you're trying to say.

And I'll take two boxes
of your cookies.

Okay, Mrs. Kuhne. I give up.
You win. Terrific. Wonderful.

I wanted to be friends,
and you didn't want to,

so you... you won.

The only thing I don't understand,
Mrs. Kuhne, is, uh,

wh-what did you win?


Look, I've, uh...
I've kind of been out of it.

You know, between the Bert thing
and the leg and my ulcer,

it all, uh, kind of got to me,
and I got kind of...

well, you know.

Mary, you may not know this,

and it may hit you ten minutes from now,
but... I'm apologizing.

No, hey, it hit me right away.

Listen, good-bye and good luck.

- All the best.
- Right.

Oh, say, Mary, listen, uh...

Before you leave,
could you do me a favor?

Could you tell me where you got that
nightgown, you know, the go-go thing?

- You're kidding. You really wanna know?
- Yeah.

Well, it was a present,
but I'll find out and I'll call you.

Ah, that's great, because, uh, see,
I decided to go back to my husband.

I thought it might be great
for a second honeymoon.

Oh, that's great.
You're going back to Bert.

No, I'm going back
to my husband.

Did you think Bert
was my husband?

Oh, no, no. No. l...

- No, I didn't think... Did I say "Bert"?
- You said "Bert."

Oh, well, no, I, uh...
Certainly, I knew.

Listen, I have to be going.
My friend is waiting for me.