Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010–2017): Season 2, Episode 1 - H.G. Wells' Scary Monster Contest - full transcript

Victor Frankenstein begrudgingly enters his overly sensitive Creature into the annual Scary Monster Contest.

[thunder claps]
Quit crowding me!
Damn amateurs. Some of us have been in a bar before.
Hey, who do I have to suck on the neck until they die to get a drink around here?
You're in my seat, you fancy-pants mosquito.
Aw, dude, he was getting me my Long Island iced tea-
My bad.
Why's this place so damn irritating tonight?
Same thing every year, Joe.
All these idiots are in town for that stupid Scary Monster Contest.
Well, I'm shaking in my damn boots.
Wow, Dr. Frankenstein!
Can you sign my brain?
Would you get lost kid? I'm drinking here.
Oh. But you're my favorite mad scientist ever, Dr. Frankenstein!
Humph! I think you mean "Mr."
Oh, great...
Wow, Dr. Moreau! Will you sign my brain?
Of course, I'd be delighted.
You know, young man, the Scary Monster Contest is sponsored
by the Society of Ill-Advised Experimentation. And we don't allow "Misters" to enter.
Doctors only, I'm afraid.
Yeah, you're afraid! Afraid I'll walk away with first prize!
Tell you what Frankenstein, we'll give you a chance to prove it.
This year, we'll allow you to enter the contest.
(sing-song) That'll be really hilarious!
You're on! I'll be there.
And then we'll see who's laughing. Mua ha ha!
Hyah, hyah! (whimpers)
I'll show those hacks!
This will be my opportunity to prove, once and for all, that I...
am the greatest scientist... that ever lived!
[thunder claps]
Man, you ain't even a doctor?
[thunder claps]
[MUSIC: theme song]
♫ Beyond space and time ♫
♫ stranger than the soul ♫
♫ is the world ♫
♫ deep inside the Frankenhole ♫
♫ Leave all hope behind ♫
♫ give up all control ♫
♫ take my hand, ♫
♫ we're going down the Frankenhole ♫
[thunder claps]
[wolf howls]
We have a Scary Monster Contest to win, so let's start from the top.
Scary Monster Contest?
You know, I'm a-
Yes, a janitor. So sweep up, and quit interrupting!
So, what should stick out of the monster's skull? Horns? Penises? Puppies?
Roar! I am the embodiment of blood-curdling!
You couldn't scare anybody.
You're afraid of fire!
I'll show you genuine terror!
[rips] Roar! Growl!
Give... me... those... arms!
Oh, yeah, that was real mature.
Stupid monster contest...
Hey, how 'bout paying a bit more attention to your regulars? You stupid, unemployed actor.
This place is going to hell.
Hey, what the-
I've been waiting for this moment my whole life.
[musical sting]
Whoa! Keep it in your pants, brah!
Get outta my way, you dagnab goofaman!
No can do. Check out the signage, dudage.
Where'd all that crap come from?
Just bought the bar, brah. New owner, new rules.
It's a chillax zone for good times only, brah!
Hey, we'd all like to make the rules. And I just did!
Psych! J.K. Heh.
"J.K." How much damn time you think that you're saving by abbreviating?
There's power in words!
Okay. What kind of dipping sauce would you brahs like with your chicken wings?
We got barbecue, ranch, blood...
Blood. Ranch.
No- blood, blood, blood...
"J.K." my ass.
What the hell's that people sucker doing with the fat egghead?
[musical sting]
Quickly, next page, next page!
(scoffs) This would be a little easier with arms, you know.
Oh, quit complaining. We've got work to do!
Chop, chop!
[MUSIC: sentimental]
What now?
I was cleaning out the morgue, and I just had to show you what I've found.
(screaming) Wasn't he such a scary creation?
Eugh, it's amazing what people used to think was scary!
Now please, Elizabeth!
Victor, I insist that you enter The Creature in the contest.
Don't be ridiculous, this is far too important.
(sing-song) I'll mangle your testicles!
(sing-song) Igor!
Bring me a box of octopus tentacles!
I need to spruce up The Creature for... the Scary Monster Contest!
(giggles) You got it!
(mumbling) Yeah, I'm gonna get it. Gonna get it right in the balls...
(whispering) You have no idea.
(chortling) Hoo hoo hoo!
[thunder claps]
(bat chitters)
I know you're an erotic monster, Dracula, so I hope you don't mind biting this hideous beastie.
Ah, it's okay. You know, I've been with ton of chicks.
The dogs always go that extra mile! Heh heh heh.
Good. Then all you need to is give her your kiss of undeath,
And together, we will create the scariest monster ever-r-r-r-r-r-r!
Gladly. Anything that will foil my least favorite jerk ever, Victor "stupid-head" Frankenstein!
Heh heh! (chomps)
(muffled laughter)
Holy guaca-moleman! They're making a Super Vampire!
[thunder claps]
[thunder claps]
Let's give a big round of applause to Tippy the Reptilian Ape!
Hold still! Ow!
I feel I was pretty grotesque in the first place.
Who's the mad scientist here, genius?
And don't you forget it!
Well, it's about time.
Uh, excuse me everyone, but there's something that I haven't been able to do in a while...
Well, you actually showed up, Frankenstein.
Hah! Of course I showed up!
We'll just see who can make a scary monster.
And what did you do, Mengele? Did you sew another pair of twins together?
(scoffs) Nein.
E-excuse me a moment.
[MUSIC: upbeat montage song]
[bloop bloop bloop]
(applause, cheers)
Ow, ow!
♫ Scary monster ♫
(roars) (baas)
(applause, cheers)
Ooh, ooh! I did her, I did her!
Nice, brah! High five!
Super Vampire monster combo? You're gonna get slaughtered out there, Nancy!
I think he's just gilding a lily, with all these dumb tentacles and whatnots.
You were sufficiently horrific the way you were.
But I'm not scary at all...
Aw, that's not true.
Now, you go out there and be who you are.
And don't you worry, I know everything will end up just fine.
And next up, number 37!
The Re-Animated Flesh Creature, (now with tentacles) of Dr. Victor Frankenstein!
-Oh, I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen, that's Mr. Victor Frankenstein.
Not "doctor," "mister."
Come on, let's get this over with.
[one person clapping]
[mic feedback]
[distant cough]
(sniffs) I wanted nothing more than to make my creator proud this eve.
'Tis all I have ever strived for.
But even though I am an utter monstrosity,
I still fail to bring fear into the human heart. (sniffs)
I've proven to be a disappointment (sniffs) to the very man who created me!
(sniffs) Who breathed life into me!
The pain that I feel now has become completely unbearable...
A perfect score!
(applause, cheers)
Atta boy!
I don't believe it!
Of course, I knew it all along.
Being the wife of a mad scientist, it was obvious what would scare those repressed nerds the most.
(applause, cheers)
Ah, good on ya, mate.
Good job, kid.
And our second prize goes to, Dr. Moreau's Super Vampire monster!
(scattered applause)
[mic feedback] I regret to inform you
that the Super Vampire couldn't be here tonight.
Or any other night.
But I'll be accepting this award on his behalf.
A-and I'm sure that he'd like to thank his momma, his agent, and God,
who don't give a Louis Pasteur about science.
So suck it all, y'all!
Now personally, I'd like to thank the South.
And I'll tell you another damn thing, too, the South is the greatest region in this country.
In the words of Martin Luther King-
[mic feedback]
Get your unholy paws off me!
Augh! Son of a bitch!
Somebody get me some damn tomato juice!
Get me some vodka too. Hell, just bring me a damn Bloody Mary.
Oh, just one more thing.
Congratulations, Deputy Doctor.
Oh darling, that's adorable.
It's not adorable.
No. It's official.
Don't touch.
Oh, you. (chuckles)
I'm sorry, but you're too late.
I've met someone else.
Squawk! It's a living!