Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010–2017): Season 1, Episode 9 - Humanitas - full transcript

With permission from Jesus Christ (Andy Dick), Victor Frankenstein takes a Frankenhole back in time and cheats on Elizabeth with her younger self.

[thunder claps]
[electrical zapping]
He's alive... Alive, again!
What's going on here?
You are Michael Jackson, alive again!
Interesting place! (giggles)
Oh, what's that?
It's a werewolf skin rug. It's so threadbare, simply an eyesore.
Oh, my! (giggles)
Interesting! [clapping]
I love interesting things! (giggles)
Uh, speaking of interesting,
Dad, it's me, brah! Blanket!
Ha ha, I'm the one who did this kick-ass thing for you, brah!
Yeah, baby!
You see, your son brought your cryogenically frozen body here to my spooky laboratory
to revive you, some thirty years after your death.
High five!
Dr. Polidori and I will... leave you two to catch up.
Don't leave me hanging, brah!
[thunder claps]
Ah, it's nice to reunite family, isn't it, Polly Dolly?
Dare I sense some icky sensitivity?
Well, my father and I had some... unspoken issues.
He's right here.
Let's go say "howdy."
How's my hair?
(scoffs) You look great.
Yeah, so I'm like rocking the stock market 24/7, dude.
Five days a week, then it's T.G.I.F. bro, on steroids.
Heh heh, Long Island iced teas, here I come dude!
Hey, but that's me, dude, y'know, off the hook 24/7.
Check it, I got piercings, I got a neck tat- Look at my neck tat!
Oh, and not just one ferret, I got a second ferret at home, with a neck tat.
I'm like, kind of a quirky dude, y'know? I'm the son of Michael.
Strangely weird, y'know, b-but it's good, it's all good. It's good, it's all good.
(yawns) Uh huh...
Y'know what I'm saying bro?
People gotta deal, y'know?
Like, what's this guy, what's this guy thinking, y'know? What's the deal with this dude?
Heh, I'm thinking T.G.I.F. brah! Long Island iced teas! Ha ha, on steroids.
Deal with- deal with that!
Deal with that.
[punching] That! And that!
[punching] And... this! Gah!
No, Victor, don't!
I mean, he can't even feel it.
Ooh, let's bring him to life first! (giggles)
I... can't, Polidori!
Yes, I totally have fetishes, dude.
Like, okay, for one? I'm totally into the ladies, bro. Kinda weird, I know, but hey man, deal with it.
Uh huh...
Just lay 'em down on their backs and have mucho sloppy missionary with 'em, man.
I know, that's me dude. I am messed up! [snaps]
I can't believe this! I tried to do everything wrong!
I draped a blanket over your face, and I hung you from a balcony,
I even called you Prince Michael Jackson II, after your brother!
And you still came out... normal.
Even beyond the black curtain, he had to have the last word.
You see, my father's dying order, upon his very deathbed,
was that I should never bring him back to life!
(sigh) Blasted coffin jockey...
(clucks tongue)
Well, let's go see how the other reunion is going.
[thunder claps]
What have you done?
N-nothing, brah, he just dropped!
Professor, what was the cause of death?
Sudden, violent boredom!
My bad...
[thunder claps]
[MUSIC: theme song]
♫ Beyond space and time ♫
♫ stranger than the soul ♫
♫ is the world ♫
♫ deep inside the Frankenhole ♫
♫ Leave all hope behind ♫
♫ give up all control ♫
♫ take my hand, ♫
♫ we're going down the Frankenhole ♫
[thunder claps]
Okay, get this. What did my Dad always want, but could never get his mitts on?
Ooh, I know the answer, pick me, please sir! Please, please, pick me!
Yeah, you, what?
Don't care.
Ehh! Wrong.
The Elephant Man's bones!
Ha ha, but I got 'em, braheem.
Now all we have to do is mix my Dad's body with these bad boys,
and he'll love me, because I'll be really interesting, by doing this totally interesting thing to him!
I'll be da man!
Alright, give me the bones.
Yes master?
Put Michael Jackson's body and these bones into the DNA merger, and set it on 6.
Then press start, wait 30 seconds, and he'll be done.
(giggles) You got it!
Sorry about the wait. Maybe we can use this time and have a little talk.
I love gabbin', bro.
Oh dear, this is my cue to leave. Nice to meet 'cha.
Blanket, I don't know if making your father even weirder is enough to make him love you.
You may need to change yourself, your personality.
Oh, right, like a pet snake! With a neck tat!
It's something I never did with my father, and... I regret it to this day.
You do?
It's ready!
Wait, I wasn't done talking... (sigh)
[thunder claps]
No, don't touch anything!
(giggles) Oh! Kind of too late.
Hmm. Curious little bugger, aren't you?
Uh-huh! Hey, who's that interesting guy in the mirror?
That's you, brah! See, I thought you'd like-
I'll handle this! Oops, my bad.
You see, I scientifically fused pop idol Michael Jackson and hideous freak John Merrick,
to make... Whatever you are!
You did this?
All by my lonesome!
Interesting! (giggles)
Remember me?
I totally coughed up the dinero for the bones, dude.
I remember you from one of my past memories.
I bet you could wipe that memory away, can't you?
(giggles) Wow! You're great!
Aw, hasta la vista... Elvis has left the building.
Ugh, what a child!
Ew, I hate children.
But, I thought the Michael Jackson part of you
was infamous for enjoying the company of the awkwardly youthful.
Well, that part of me used to like how weird and interesting it made me seem
to hang out with little kids. But on their own, they're boring!
Well, that's quite ironic, because ever since I was a little boy, my father found me too interesting.
Ohh. I would have nurtured that interestingness.
For a moment, I considered being more boring.
Not experimenting on live animals, and never inventing lips for your earlobes, or anything like that,
but I just couldn't help it!
I wish I had a son just like you.
You... are interested in my work?
(giggles) Oh, very.
Well... Thank you, Mr...
Call me "Dad."
Thank you...
Tickle, tickle! (giggles)
Aw, look at you. (giggles)
Oh, thank you!
(sigh) I needed this... Ahh...
[thunder claps]
Oh, Elizabeth. Hey, you want to have a threesome with us? Eh?
Let's make lemons out of this lemonade, Heh heh heh.
(high-pitched) catch you later!
(high-pitched) You donut!
H-hey, brah! Wazzup?
Ah, the wet Blanket.
Hey, so who was that weird bat guy?
The world's most negligible bachelor: Drac-u-la.
Aw, I wanna be Dracula. Then my Dad would totally find me interesting.
Look, if you're going to window shop for a new personality, have a seat.
This place is simply crawling with options.
Cool! I'll mull it over a Long Island iced tea.
And I'll have the usual.
What's your poison, braheemerson?
Funny you should ask.
Mmm, delicious.
Being an immortal, it's the only thing with any kind of kick to it.
Ha ha ha, hardcore!
Aw, I wish I had an interesting thing, like being immortal, and drinking poison, or something.
Oof! Oh.
Pardon me.
No worries. I'm Blanket Jackson.
Dr. Henry Jekyll.
Can I buy you a round?
No need, I've brought my own.
(crazed laughter)
Whoa, gnarly! (screaming)
Hey, how do I become a Dr. Jekyll?
By coming out of his mother's vagina, and four years of med school.
Yeah yeah, but he just drank something and turned into a freak-out king.
C-can you whip up some of that for me?
Well, it's painfully pedestrian, but if it will keep you out of our hair.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! C'mon, let's go! My Dad'll love it!
My Daddy never wanted to play dress-up with me!
(giggles) Dress up is fun!
Ugh, why must I be dragged through this humiliation?
(giggles) Now what?
How about his head, on a little boy's body?
Well, hello! Oh Daddy, I'm made of fish today!
I took the liberty of kidnapping my son from the past when he was 6!
Now hold still!
I'm holding real (babbles) still!
[thunder claps]
Hee hee hee!
Oh no, that!
Blanket, go away!
But Dad, I-I figured out how you can love me, brah!
Ugh, make it stop!
Quit talking, you're upsetting Dad!
What's been going on in here?
You don't want to know.
Look, he doesn't love you, and never will.
You'll always be uninteresting, no matter who or what you are!
Pops, brah...
Whoa, my bad!
Nooo! Daddy!
What's this?
(Blanket's voice) Dad, we're together!
For eternity?
This is awesome! This is awful!
I love y- Ow!
I hate you! [slaps]
Stop hitting! Ow!
Get away from me!
I love us! Ow!
I hate us!
Oof! Ow, that hurt!
In an interesting way.
Yeah, interesting.
Shut up! Ohh.
Uh oh...
Whee! (chitters)
Well, at least we got a new rug out of this.
Yes, I'm glad you're happy.
Where are you going?
To do something I should've done long ago.
Victor, my son, I have one last request...
Yes, father?
Never bring me back to life!
[electrical zapping]
Don't worry, I won't.
Gah! [cocks, shoots pistol]
Ha ha!
[MUSIC: "Split Yourself In Two"]
♫ Wasn't near you, couldn't hear you ♫
♫ Where you go to, I don't have a clue ♫
♫ So you eat slow, that much I do know ♫
♫ Heard you took a trip 'cross Mexico ♫
♫ Oh, you drove on ♫
♫ Yeah, oh and on ♫
♫ Come on, split yourself in two ♫
♫ You gotta split yourself in two ♫
♫ Come on, split yourself in two ♫
♫ Take me for a ride ♫
♫ Take me for a ride ♫