Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010–2017): Season 1, Episode 8 - LBJFK - full transcript

In order to sleep with attractive women like Jackie O and Marilyn Monroe, newly appointed President Lyndon Baines Johnson asks Frankenstein to put his brain into the handsome head of the recently deceased JFK.

[harp music]
Elizabeth, will you marry me?
Now? Victor, this is my wedding reception, and I love Henry Clerval.
But I'm better!
Not for me!
Ah, my bride and my best friend! The perfect moment for a toast!
To long life!
To the three of us!
To the three of us!
Two out of three of us!
[thunder claps]
Oh, goodbye my darling.
Mwah. (kisses)
How bout now?
My husband has just died!
It's always something with you.
By giving me that elixir, you slowly murdered Henry with old age.
Yes, and like him, every other man you love will die... except me!
Victor... At least give me a little time.
That I've got!
[thunder claps]
[MUSIC: theme song]
♫ Beyond space and time ♫
♫ stranger than the soul ♫
♫ is the world ♫
♫ deep inside the Frankenhole ♫
♫ Leave all hope behind ♫
♫ give up all control ♫
♫ take my hand, ♫
♫ we're going down the Frankenhole ♫
[thunder claps]
How about now?
Ugh, all right!
[wedding music]
Do you, Elizabeth Mizoguchi, take Victor Frankenstein to be your lawful wedded husband
for all eternity? Literally?
I finally do.
I now pronounce you... man and wife!
I'm suddenly... so bored.
Well, why do you look so chipper?
Do I?
Quite right. No idea, though.
I mean Elizabeth's been impossible lately.
It is that time of the year again.
Of the year? (chuckles)
Poor Polly Dolly, brilliant scientist, but far too queer to know anything about a lady's toilet area.
I was referring to your wedding anniversary.
Oh, that. Well, anniversaries usually pass without too much drama, all you really have to do is ignore them.
Not this time, my lad. By my calculations, this is your thousandth.
Well, I'm sure Igor has it all covered.
Oh, he's very good. Watch.
Yes, master?
Just wanted to touch base on a few matters I need doing.
Have you decided what my favorite color is?
Uh, no, not yet. You're leaning towards blue, though.
I see. How about my throat, have you cleared that yet?
Ah, I was just getting to it.
(clears throat) There, done!
And uh, did you get my wife an anniversary present?
Uh oh, is that this year?
Fantastic! If you want something done around here, you've got to do it yourself.
Out, you fool! And don't forget to take a crap for me before dinner!
(giggles) You got it!
Let's see. Fifty is gold,
One thousand is... Wayne Newton?
How dare you come in late for our thousandth anniversary?
Have you any idea how hard I've slaved in the kitchen, telling the cook exactly how you like your meat?
And what's this?
Ta da!
It's a Wayne Newton impersonator! Happy One Thousandth, darling!
Hey, danke schoen.
Where's the real Wayne Newton impersonator?
How do you know so much about Wayne Newton's impersonators?
Well look at him! He's a fat Chinese hippie!
Hey! I-I'm right here, man.
Victor, I'm leaving! Forever!
How did it go?
It was a bloodbath.
So it was good?
No... she left me.
So it was bad?
No. It was neither good nor bad. I feel nothing.
I'm sure the fat Chinese hippie didn't help.
I'm confused, Polidori. I used to love Elizabeth.
The Elizabeth that was completely indifferent to you?
Yeah. Her.
Oh God, she was so beautiful way back then!
And uncaring, and cold...
and so va-va-va in love with other men!
Ah, but that was all before I ruined everything.
That Elizabeth is still there in the past, you know.
(scoffs) I couldn't. That would be beneath me.
Do you think?
Alright, look. I've been an arrogant, good-looking genius bastard! I admit it!
Don't be so hard on yourself.
But one thing I'm not... is a cheat!
Cheating implies weakness!
I say unto you...
(sing-song) Blessed are the meek!
Oh. Our 11:15 has arrived. Jesus of Nazareth.
I want you to invent socks for me.
Socks are already invented, you fool!
Then supply my feet with them,
(dramatically) and you shall have eternal bliss.
You like that? I do a little "Jesus."
I get into character.
Please, I-I don't need eternal anything.
But what I do need is for you to give me what you give best: forgiveness.
M'kay, whatever, you're forgiven.
No, no, no! I want you to pre-absolve me from cheating on my wife,
by convincing me that I'm not a loser.
Give me that, and I...
will give you...
Okay. Try to get this concept, okay. It's my concept, I came up with it.
All vaginas are one vagina.
Can you understand that?
Just the one, big vagina. In your case, it is the same vagina.
Paperface, look at me when I'm talking to you!
You don't get this! You don't get that having sex with her now is the same as having sex with her then,
it's the same damn vagina!
Just do it, please, and get me my socks.
Well he's a bit crass, but he's right.
W-w-what was that you have on your leg?
Oh. Uh, don't worry about that.
Well that's an odd device, what is that?
Well, nothing. It's coming off soon.
It's beeping.
Look, it's an alcohol monitoring-
I don't wanna get into my private life!
Get me some socks, and we're in business.
Right. Polidori, see to it that he gets his socks.
I'm off to rekindle my passion for Elizabeth behind her back!
Oh, and I hear the colored ones make your feet smell weird, so I'd prefer white.
I mean they can have colored stripes, just not on the sole.
Y'know, like up high, that's fine.
(gasps) Could it be that this man is the historical Jesus?
Where did this one come from? This one here?
I came from many places.
I don't think my father made you. You're a little creepy!
[thunder claps]
Will you marry me?
Now? Victor, this is my wedding reception, and I love Henry Clerval.
No, no! I've got to stop him before he gives her the serum!
Ah, my bride and my best friend! The perfect moment for a toast!
Polidori. Watch this me until I come back, no time to explain.
To long life! To the three of us!
To the three of us!
To the three of us!
[thunder claps]
(kissing, moaning)
Oh, Henry. Consumate me. Consumate!
(sing song) Good evening!
Victor! You can't be here on our honeymoon night.
Here. I brought you a honeymoon present.
(scoffs) I loathe you.
Oh... I want her now more than ever.
I say, thanks for the present, Victor!
Quite thoughtful.
That's not for you!
♫ La dee hum dum dum ♫
♫ Lo dee la dee day ♫
Polidori! I've come from the future.
Ugh, you're not going to try and make me enjoy Christmas, are you?
No, no, no, I just need the immortality serum.
Let me guess: You finally fed Elizabeth the serum, became instantly weary of her,
lived a thousand years in a miserable marriage, came back to reclaim your passion through her dispassion,
but now you can't take it, so now you want to give this Elizabeth,
who is the exact same Elizabeth, the exact same serum,
so she'll need to be with you, the exact same way she did the first time?
How did you know?
(scoffs) You're a heterosexual man, Victor. You're... predictable.
Well, just tell me where the serum is!
Look at you! You don't even care about the future, and you're from it.
Well if I can't convince you to give it to me, I know who can!
No, they're a little loose.
Good God, you'll grow into them.
(pants) Will you tell yourself to give me that serum!
Dear, dear! Looks like I need some rest.
It's the fluorescent lighting, trust me. You look just as bad, dear.
Get me the immortality serum!
Oh, you don't want to give that Elizabeth the serum, do you?
Of course he does.
You two are impossible!
Jesus, lay some wisdom on these dandies!
Don't look at me, I told you everything I know.
I'm putting on socks now.
Hey, how come you don't ask me? I'm a genius too, you know.
You're right! Where's the serum?
Where it always is, in the cupboard by the sugar!
Ha! Of course!
Smooth move, genius.
Elizabeth, wait!
Oh, leave me alone!
What on Earth are you doing?
There, now drink!
Elizabeth, wait!
Don't drink that.
How did you get out of the sock shop?
I'm not that me, I'm a future you.
But, I'm the future me.
Well I'm... futurer!
Is anyone going to explain?
You see Victor, Polidori was right! You're just going around in circles.
If she drinks that elixir, you will just be repeating history.
Oh, this is ridiculous!
Elizabeth, wait!
Now which me are you?
The most futurest!
Does the tea have the elixir in it yet?
Yes, I can handle this without you.
No you can't! Drink up, Elizabeth!
What? Hmm?
She needs to drink that immortality serum!
We have to get things back to status quo!
As miserable as we are with her in the future,
it's a comfortable sort of misery, that I'm accustomed to.
Aha. I see!
I think we see!
Well, all of that is well and fine, but frankly, I've gone off this tea.
Drink it!
Elizabeth- oh.
Ah, s-so you guys have this covered? Alright, good.
And since you got the high-enders, you get this kitschy Jesus watch.
That doesn't look like me.
No, that's you!
It says "Jesus," but that doesn't look like me, I don't have strawberry blonde hair,
that looks like Dennis DeYoung.
From Styx.
I don't...
(half-hearted) ♫ Come fly away, come fly away ♫
(half-hearted) ♫ come fly away, with me ♫
That doesn't sound like any song I've ever heard.
Okay, well, I'm messing it up on purpose, so I don't have to pay royalties to Dennis DeYoung.
Hey wait a minute, is that why I don't look like me on the watch?
So you don't pay me royalties? That's screwed up!
And now, my love, your Anniversary present!
Danke schoen.
Oh, Victor! The real Wayne Newton impersonator!
And now, I'd like to sing a cover.
♫ Oh, come fly away, come fly away, ♫
♫ come fly away, with me ♫
♫ (humming) ♫
♫ Yeah, we're setting an open course ♫
♫ on the vim vam virgin seas ♫
Hey wait a second, I'm supposed to be up there!
Ah, let the kid have some fun.
♫ Oh, second verse, same as ... ♫
Yeah, you're right.
♫ (humming) ♫
(sigh) it's five minutes after the last time you asked me!
According to whose watch?
This watch, the one with you on it, with the strawberry blonde hair!
Okay, well that's not me...
Oh, forget it.