Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010–2017): Season 1, Episode 7 - Hunger of the Vampire - full transcript

To become a more effective hunger striker, Mahatma Gandhi mixes his blood with Dracula's.

Gandhiji,there's still no sign of peace!
[stomach growls] Ooh! Nehru, don't say that word.
What, peace?
[stomach growls] Yes. I'm hunger striking here!
The word "peace" makes you hungry?
[stomach growls] (sigh) It's Pavlovian conditioning.
Every time there's peace,
[stomach growls] I eat.
No peace, [stomach growls]
No eat.
Got it. God, those girls are hot.
Heh, tell me something I don't know!
Ooh, I've love to get a piece of that action!
[stomach growls] Ugh, you said it again...
It was just a homonym!
It doesn't matter!
So, those girls, have you ever had one?
(chuckles) Are you kidding?
They love that I'm so sensitive and selfless.
Oh, that's great!
What's so great about it?
I only get the women when I'm hunger striking, and that's when I'm weak and brittle.
Watch this.
Rashima, can you come over here a moment please?
Yes, master.
(heavy breathing)
[crack] Gah!
What happened?
(sigh) I snapped my hip. That will be all, Rashima.
(grunts) See? Brittle.
Yeah, you were right.
Yeah. Oh, it's just driving me crazy, Nehru.
Whenever I'm not thinking about global harmony, which is a lot, all I'm thinking about are the ladies.
Same here. Boy, we are like two peas in a pod.
[stomach growls] Ohh...
I said "peas!"
[stomach growls] I know!
They're delicious.
[thunder claps]
[MUSIC: theme song]
♫ Beyond space and time ♫
♫ stranger than the soul ♫
♫ is the world ♫
♫ deep inside the Frankenhole ♫
♫ Leave all hope behind ♫
♫ give up all control ♫
♫ take my hand, ♫
♫ we're going down the Frankenhole ♫
[thunder claps]
Come this way.
Ooh... Ah...
The Baron is putting some finishing touches on our Bride's makeover.
There. That'll keep the Creature away from her!
Oh, look! Her hair's on fire!
Don't be ridiculous!
Her hair's not on fire, you fool, her hair is fire!
Oh. Well, easy mistake, I mean... I mean the "fool" was a little harsh...
Mohandas K. Gandhi, Victor Frankenstein.
Frankenstein? Eek!
Oh, uh wait, you're not Frankenstein.
But I am.
No, no, no, no. Frankenstein has a square head, and he's big and spooky!
I am Victor Frankenstein, the Creator.
What can I do for you?
You see, I'm known in my time period for implementing the passive resistance, through my hunger striking.
Am I boring you?
Yes. Go on.
Wow, okay. So uh, anyway,
all of this hunger striking is making me very weak and brittle.
Watch. [crack]
See? Worthless.
I see.
So I'm afraid I won't be able to hold up long enough to bring unity to India.
...Among other things.
Other things?
Well... I also broke my hip humping a broad the other day.
Yet another reason not to "hump a broad."
Well, I think I can help you, Mr. Gandhi.
Igor! Bring me that vial of Dracula's blood.
You got it!
Uh, Dracula? Wait, he's a mean vampire, right?
I don't know about "mean," a clod, maybe.
Really? A clod? I always thought he got the cute dames.
Yes, yes, yes, he has some misguided confidence, I suppose.
Oops! Sore spot.
I'm not sore!
Sorry I asked.
It's just, if she's going to have an affair, go for someone more worthy of being my successor.
Ohh, your wife's diddling him, right?
I'd love to be the lady killer like Dracula.
You know, the bad boy. Me, I have to be the nice guy who's into saving the world.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Here you go!
Ah! Good!
Now, with this blood, we should be able to make your body more resilient.
[thunder claps]
Now please, remain perfectly still.
The amount I have to add to your bloodstream is quite exact, and I need to be completely focused.
That should do it.
You know, I'm feeling better already! Heh heh.
I'd like you to stick around for a few days though, so I can monitor your progress.
There's a nice bar down the hill.
Well, I don't usually drink. But I wouldn't mind downing a couple of G&T's right about now!
My Creation will show you the way.
Holy cow, you're uglier than me!
Whee! Hee hee!
[thunder claps]
Huh, nice landscaping. I love all of the spooky, spooky trees, heh!
What have they done?
What, you don't like the fire hair?
I think it looks kinda cute on her.
Her sultry locks have been replaced by the scornful flowers of Hephaestus.
Ooh, you're a little bookworm, aren't you?
I'm gonna go say hi.
Excuse me, I'm a passerby, and noticed there's a light on.
How dare you barge in here uninvited?
Sorry. I just need some rest. You see, I've been very busy
saving the world.
Oh, really?
(yawns) Yes, you know,
martyr missions, love rallies, protesting for peace...
[stomach growls]
Oh, are you hungry? I can warm up some meatballs.
Sounds delish, but I'm on a hunger strike
for world harmony.
Oh... my nipples... so erect...
(kissing, moaning)
Ooh... (giggles)
She was made for me!
I don't see no ring.
I rejected him. He's so self-involved. And he's afraid of fire!
(giggles) This stuff? I wanna run barefoot through it.
Ooh, go ahead.
I think I will! (giggles)
(giggles) Ouch ouch ouch!
(giggles) So hot!
Do not mock me!
(feared groans)
(groans) Curse my ugliness!
(giggles) Boo, ha ha! You are so adorable.
Now, tell me more about this whole
[rips] hunger strike thing?
Oh, mamma mia!
[thunder claps]
And then they laughed at me, Nosferatu.
(sniffs) It was so humiliating!
No, you have a nice head.
Hey, what's up gang?
Let's get this party started!
Here comes the stud now.
Hey hey, there he is!
[slaps] (meow!)
Oh hiya, big fella!
Buenos noches, Nosferamo.
Hey, some good action around here!
'Tis thine actions against me that I have taken offense to.
Since when are we best friends all of a sudden?
Thou art renowned for thy kindness.
Kindness is relative.
If I'm kind to you by not hitting on your lady,
is that ultimately kind to her, when she doesn't get to experience my delicious Indian body?
Ah, cheer up pal.
I'll tell you what you need: more confidence.
Let's just get you some Dracula blood. That stuff really put a pep in your step!
I will have none of his evil plasma!
It's not so bad. It'll make you irresistible to women.
And I could use some too...
No! I will nev-
You... want more?
Sure, I could use a fresher-upper. Let's go to the Doctor.
No. I have a better source.
[thunder claps]
[chitter] [howls]
(smacks lips)
Thank you.
Sorry, only enough for me!
Thanks for topping me off, fella.
And now you will top me off!
Yech! Curry! (spits)
(sigh) Okay, we even steven then?
Yes. Now our blood is mixed.
What does that mean?
Let's go.
Okay, let's go. But... what does the mixed blood thing mean?
[thunder claps]
He mixed what with who?
Uh, blood, with... Dracula.
Just because you were a little jealous?
Really jealous.
But he-
Get back you fool!
Burn, burn!
Uh, so, is this a biggie, or what?
It's a biggie.
I do hope you're not married to this whole "world harmony" thing.
Or hunger striking.
What's going on?
Mr. Gandhi, you are now a vampire.
You mean-
You drink blood.
B-but I'm a vegetarian.
Uh, blood isn't a vegetable, right? I-it's like a meat gravy?
No, human blood is not a vegetable.
Human blood, to boot?
Oh, that's really not a vegetable. This is not gonna be so good for peace.
Hey, my stomach, it no growl when I say "peace!"
There's a plus.
(giggles) I just thought of something funny.
That Dracula is a real pain in the neck!
[stomach growls]
Neck? [stomach growls]
Leg? [stomach growls]
Any part of the human body? [stomach growls]
Oh, mamma mia!
[musical stings]
Ha ha ha, gotcha!
Seriously though, gotcha!
Dude, I took a bus to New York to go to damn vampire fighting school,
and I got off there, and they were asking me,
they said, "Damn, you got shoes!"
Yeah, cuz I was so prejudiced against New Yorkers,
and I started saying, "No, things are different,
things are different," a-and he looked at me,
said, "Genghis Khan ruled the world
from the-the Japan sea to the Danube!"
The Danube! That's in Europe!
And you know who told me about that?
Dwight Yoakam told me about that book,
and I read the damn book, cover to cover!
Don't tell me about the damn South, man!
You're arrogant!
You think you're better than everybody else.
No wonder most of you guys are Nazis.
I'm the liberal here.