Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010–2017): Season 1, Episode 2 - (John) Thomas Jefferson - full transcript

[thunder claps]
[MUSIC: "Don't Blame the Moon"]
♫ Don't blame the moon ♫
♫ just blame your smile ♫
♫ It kisses many devils that were fashioned out of style ♫
♫ Don't blame the moon ♫
♫ it only glows ♫ [screams]
♫ tracing silhouettes of skeletons that arose ♫
♫ Don't blame the moon ♫
♫ don't blame the moon ♫
♫ she will clear her name soon ♫
(sobbing) Oh, Barbara...
I'm a monster.
A monster, do you hear? [chitters]
Frankenstein. Victor Frankenstein.
You'll understand... I'll make you understand.
[banging] Lemme in!
[musical sting]
I'm a monster! [banging]
I need your help, you stupid genius! [banging]
Well, hello there!
Are you coming to see my daddy?
Baron Frankenstein? Yeah, yeah!
I need his help!
Well, yes indeed!
That's what my daddy does, he helps gentlemen like yourself.
Are you a gentleman?
No, I'm a monster. A monster!
You better run as far as you-
All right, gentleman!
You can come into my house.
Daddy's gonna help this fine (babbles) gentleman!
(babbles) real fun!
It's ridiculous.
Just hear me out!
It's pointless, without merit, may we move on?
I could sew her a stunning bridal gown in taffeta, with lace.
(sighs) You just want to play dress-up.
And her hair! Ooh, I have ideas!
Been there, made that! On to the next!
Well hello, young sir!
And who have you brought with- oh no.
Please, Doctor Frankenstein, I beg you.
You gotta end my torture!
Cure me, or... or...
...Shoot me.
Yes. Look, Mr. Lawrence, I've told you before,
there's no curing you, there's no killing you.
You are immortal, just like myself, and Professor Polidori.
I just wanna die!
My god, at least kill him for my sake.
Stay outta this, old lady!
Even a man who says his prayers- I say my prayers-
I pray to die every night.
Don't you see?
I'm cursed to kill!
Death would be a blessing.
But not any death. I need a silver bullet.
Here's one. [cocks, shoots pistol]
Well, he can't say it, so I will.
Thank you.
(sighs) We'll see how long this lasts.
Yay! We're on a (babbles) gentleman hunt!
[shoots pistol]
[MUSIC: "Don't Blame the Moon"] ♫ Don't blame the moon ♫
♫ don't blame the moon ♫
♫ she will clear her name soon ♫
Ugh, damn it.
[banging] Doctor Fra-
[creak] Good evening, Mr. Gentleman.
I gotta see- huh?
...I gotta see Frankenstein.
He's gotta help me!
Follow me.
[stabbing, squishing]
[musical sting]
...Oh, bored again.
Frankenstein, it didn't work!
Of course not.
But why?
Because, I hate you.
And the curse says that you can only be cured of being alive
if you are killed by a silver bullet, fired by someone who loves you.
And who would ever love you, you pathetic, fatuous, whiny little-
[door creaks] Doctor Frankenstein?
My name is Elkie Sommer,
and I need your help.
Well, hello.
[thunder claps]
I'll get her to love me, and then kill me!
The second part will be a great deal easier than the first.
For myself, I can't get enough of part two!
Ha ha!
Ah, cut that stuff, will you?
You'll leave a mark.
Here we come...
How do I look, hmm?
Like you've been impaled on a fence for seventy years?
Gentlemen; the Bride of the Wolfman!
Oh, let it go.
Ooh... humph!
Welcome to my humble castle, Ms. Sommer.
How may I be of help?
Well it's going to seem silly, but I came here through your time...
...your time...
Oh yes. 1966.
You see, there, I am considered one of the most desirable women in the world.
Men only want to use me for my beauty, and it's made me rather untrusting of love.
So I want you to make me into a monster. Something ugly.
So that I know, when a man says he loves me, he truly means it.
It's silly, I suppose.
No. Psychotic, perhaps.
Ah, don't listen to that mug. You're right, men are manipulative jerks.
Do you really think so, Mr. Lawrence?
Call me Stewart.
Oh, that's a neat trick.
Come on baby, let's get outta here.
I'll show you the town, give you the jazz.
Alright, Mr. Lawr- oh, Stewart.
You are as charming as you are handsome.
Hoo hoo!
I'll be dead within a week!
(whistles) So, I guess you'd call me normal.
Pretty boring, really.
I'm trustworthy, and predictable, stable, and...
And? Romantic?
Oh, no, you gotta run! Get away from me!
Scram! You're not safe here, baby! Can't you see?
I'll kill you! Run, run! (heavy breathing)
Aw, you gotta get outta here. Don't you see?
What's wrong?
Quick, tie me down! Do it if you want to live!
That's right, yeah. Nice and tight now. Good. Yeah, now run. Run!
No, I won't leave you!
Eh- ow-
[distorted growling]
My god.
Shh, you're alright, nothing's going to harm you.
Stay calm. Do you like music?
[growls] Hm? Music?
♫ Let's blame the moon ♫
(growling) ♫ let's blame the moon ♫
♫ It was not up to you ♫
♫ We can just blame the moon ♫
Gee, you did that for me?
You could've been killed.
I trust you, Stewart. I love you.
Aw, Elke, I love you, see?
Oh boy, will you marry me?
Yes, Stewart, yes!
Make love to me.
Why does that happen?
Well, when I get sexually aroused, it just sprouts up.
Side effect, I guess.
(giggles) Kiss me, Mr. Debonair.
(kissing) (moans)
I'm happy. Me! Ha! I wanna live!
I wanna live.
Ohhhh, Stewart...
(chomp) Ooch!
Sorry, got carried away. You alright?
Yes, but you broke the skin.
You animal!
Animal? Oh, no. Now you'll become a wolf, like me!
Stewart, you weren't a wolf when you bit me.
So, what happens if the Wolfman bites someone when he's Stewart Lawrence?
Gee, I don't know!
Well, we'll know when the moon returns. Until then...
(moaning) Ooh, I am so... aroused...
Uh? Oh no.
I-it's okay darling.
I-I'm here with you.
(distorted growling)
Don't worry, I'll keep you safe.
I love you, see?
I love you. I...
love... you...?
Oh, no. No, it can't be!
(with Stewart's voice) Oh no. Look at me, don't you see?
Don't you get it? Why, it must be because I got aroused!
Just like when your mustache grows in!
I'm a Were-Lawrence. A Were-Lawrence!
Help me Stewart, you gotta help me, can't you?
Hold me, please! You gotta hold me.
Aw, you fool! Don't hand me "uhh!"
I'm cursed! Now hold me, will you?
Yes Stewart, that's better. You do love me!
Kiss me. You gotta, can't you?
Mmmm... (kissing)
(licking) Eugh!
Aw, quit all this! I can't make love to myself!
Not when there's two of me!
Ah, stop all that guff.
I'm still your Elke. It's me, can't you see?
Stewart, you love me!
♫ Let's blame the moon, it's just a stupid planet ♫
Ah, stop it, stop it, you ugly pathetic fool!
Oh, Stewart...
Say, now that's more like it, baby!
Ooh... Ehh...
Good! -no -nice -bad
Aww, forget it!
Say you still love me, Stewart!
Tell me you can see through my curse, see the real me, my love.
Yes, I am a Were-Lawrence, but most of the time, I'll be Elke Sommer!
The most beautiful woman in this entire world!
I'll only be you when I'm sexually aroused.
Oh, I do love you, Elke, I really do.
You're sweet, and understanding, and calm, and funny, and lovable, and sexy...
Just, not when you're me.
But, you still love me, so at least you can kill me.
Here, take this gun. It's got silver bullets.
Kill me!
I can't, Stewart!
You must! Kill me!
Ah, do it, you idiot!
You don't love me?
You rejected me!
Oh, I don't know how I feel!
I think we should consider couple's counseling.
Ah, gimme that!
Only one girl ever loved me.
Barbara. My dear, delicious Barbara.
I'll use one of those portals, one of those Frankenhole doohickeys.
She just needs the silver bullets, yeah, that's why it didn't work the first time.
I'll die on my very first night as a werewolf!
Hot diggity dog!
Oof. (panting)
There we are. I'll give Barbara the gun, and she'll shoot me.
It all ends here!
Bar- oh no. (distorted growling)
(distorted growling) Oh, moon,
(distorted growling) you're such a jerk.
(growls, chomps)
Hey, easy with the teeth-!
(screams) Oww!
You mangy mutt!
Oh... damn it.
[MUSIC: "Don't Blame the Moon"]
♫ But if you blame the moon ♫
♫ see past its glow ♫
♫ Look beneath the skin ♫
♫ look into your soul ♫
♫ Don't look where it shines ♫