Mary Shelley's Frankenhole (2010–2017): Season 1, Episode 1 - Yawn of the Dead - full transcript

Dr. Victor Frankenstein re-animates the corpse of Michael Jackson and reunites him with his son, Blanket.

[thunder claps]
Oh, you take it you little slut, you little Boston bitch,
come on now, give it to me...
(grunts) Yeehaw!
Yep, (zips) he's dead alright.
I never realized you could that.
Oh yeah, well back on the farm,
that was the only way to really make sure a cow was a goner.
You used to screw the wounds of cattle skulls?
Oh ho ho, works like a charm.
Poor President Kennedy...
There's still hope.
I know a doctor.
A monster doctor.
I mean, he's a doctor for monsters, he's not a monster himself.
But he did invent an immortality serum that makes him live forever,
so I guess that makes him monster-like, but I mean...
[thunder claps] [creaks]
[MUSIC: theme song]
♫ Beyond space and time ♫ [groans]
♫ Stranger than the soul ♫ [distant scream] [growls]
♫ is the world ♫ [bat chirps]
♫ Deep inside the Frankenhole ♫
♫ Leave all hope behind ♫
♫ Give up all control ♫
♫ Take my hand, ♫
♫ We're going down the Frankenhole ♫
[thunder claps]
Whoaaa- oof
Consarn it...
Heavy son of a gun, you.
[thunder claps] Whoa.
[bangs door knocker]
[creak] Yes?-
Outta my way, pizza face.
Dee dee dee doo doo dee dee dee doo...
How much shorter would you like your legs to be, exactly, Mr. Lincoln?
Real short. So they don't reach the ground.
Step aside, Quaker Oats.
Got a president of the United States shot in the head here.
Not my problem.
[cocks, shoots pistol]
[thunk] Heheh, copycat.
Pray, who's the next patient?
Howdy, Vice President- ooh! President Lyndon Baines Johnson.
Professor Sanguinaire Polidori.
And uh, this here is JFK, er, give or take some skull.
Heh! Ugh...
Do come in, I suppose.
[bats chirp] Great Castro's beard,
looks like Dracula's scary tomb.
Certainly not, I assure you.
Dracula would never have the keen fashion sense to decorate with dangling eyeballs.
I give you...
The Creator! [creaks]
[electrical zapping]
[thunder claps]
Well, I've always said:
Nature's great and all, but until I get to see me a horse with fangs, I'm not interested.
[squish] God, I love it when things end!
[thunder claps]
I am Victor Frankenstein, welcome to somewhere in Eastern Europe.
Thank you for making the trip from your own time and space.
Naw, it's kinda fun.
Well now, what can I do for you, Mister...?
Just call me LBJ.
But I thought he was LBJ?
You dumb hippie, he's JFK!
John effin' Kennedy.
So, you'd like your little president here back to life, eh?
Hell no! I want you guys to make me look like him.
Well, before the shooting, of course.
You see, I want Marilyn Monroe's ass in my face.
I want to taste Jackie O's perfumy privates,
feel her jiggly wiggly jagglies, and then
dingle my dongle in her hobbly wobbly. [ting]
That's "jagglies."
Got it.
Well, I don't think this should be a problem at all,
I'll just simply do a routine brain switcheroo.
Wait, so you mean you're gonna take my brain outta this dog-faced head of mine,
and put it into Rudolph Valentino here?
[thunder claps] Shaaaameee!
Holy ugly.
Who's the lumbering sad sack?
That's my... creation. He's kind of a pain in the ass.
Go away!
You aid the whims of unknown souls, yet you cast aside your very own?
Your responsibility to the ages??
You're kidding me.
He's the monster?
Get back you fool!
He prefers "Creation."
Well where's his square goldarned head?
He doesn't have a square head.
But it's in all the movies!
Screw the movies!
Otherwise, he looks pretty good though.
Y-you enjoy my visage?
Whoa, whoa, whoa there, fancy fella.
The letters "BJ" in my initials don't mean what you think they mean.
Got me, sugarplum? man!!
Yeah, well, so's Khrushchev, but that don't make him no prettier.
Speaking of which, when's my makeover?
All this homo crap's giving me a hankering for some sweet, melty verginers.
High five.
I will create the world's first LBJFK!
[thunder claps]
Oh, excellent. Everything's working out just as planned...
Must make head square...
Hello Mr. Lawrence.
Ah, please, call me Stewart.
Why are you volunteering to change the way you look?
Oh, um, I-I was just, uh...
[thunk] -experimenting with my appearance.
Golly. It must be nice to choose your fate.
Dost thou think this... angular mud pack flatters my-
Me, I'm cursed, you see.
I got a nice mug during the day, sure, everyone says it.
I'm easy on the eyes, brother.
But then at night-
At night, things change.
Yes, yes, you transform into a lycanthrope.
Don't you got eyeballs?
I'm dreamy, brother. Can't you see that?
I'm a handsome man, see, who says his prayers I tell you!
But then I turn into an unsightly... werewolf!
I tell you, I don't want to be ugly.
Oh, woe is me!
Ah, leave me alone, you jerk.
Wink! Wink!
How's the skull reconstruction going, Professor?
Mmm, not too well.
There seems to be a piece missing.
Hmm, yes.
We'll have to find someone else's forehead that will match that specific curvature.
[snaps] I've got it. [thunder claps]
Yes master?
Take the 1932 Frankenhole to February, 20th Century Fox!
Bring me to forehead of Spencer Tracyyy!
[giggles] You got it!
Say it!
Ohh, I love it! I love it!
Yeah, then lick it. Lick it, Kate!
[sloppy licks]
Yeah, that's my forehead!
Oh, I love your forehead! [door opens]
[chuckles] Huh? [cracks]
Mleh! Oh..
Gyaah! [muffled protests]
[thunder claps]
[electrical buzzing]
[thunder claps] [electrical buzzing]
(LBJ's voice) Y'all start yet?
[thunder claps]
(trying Boston accent) Er, ah, park the car. Park the dagnab car.
H-hey! Great job, doc!
[grumbling] Daddy, what do we do with this dead old body?
Yeah, what, daddy? What?
How many times do I have to tell you children: Not while I'm working!
Hey, these old guys your... kids?
Hoo hoo ha ha, well I'll be ding danged!
Why don't you just ask the hunky bumpkin?
Where do you want this? Gotta put him somewhere.
That old thing? You can shove it up some Chinaman's ass for all I care.
[sighs] Come on Heinrich, let's just take him to the cemetery.
Oh Gustav, that place hits too close to home at my age.
My age too.
What, so you never given them that immortality juice?
Thank God, no.
[chuckles] Lord have mercy!
(trying Boston accent) Er, ah, park the car.
Would you like me to get you two a room so you can be alone with yourselves?
But you can quit your leering at my sweet woman-loving ass
and go get me something to dingle my new dangle into
so I can make sure my pumper's ticking sufficiently!
Here, you can use this leftover brain.
Heh. I'll customize it for your dumb ass.
[wolf howls]
(trying Boston accent) Ask not what I can do for you,
(losing accent) ask what you can do to my Marilyn Monroe rammer!
The pipes are all working just fine. [chuckles]
[thunder claps]
Hey, who- ow! [snarls]
Get your hands off me! [snarls]
I'm a president of the goldarn United States! [snarls]
Get away from me, you weirdo monkey man! [snarls]
Ow! I said ow! Owww!
[gunshot] [whimpers]
He's alive!
Now he gets to be a werewolf.
[sighs] Lucky.
How come we're the only ones who don't live forever around here?
Yeah, tell me about it.
Come into the castle and clean your rooms!
Coming, mother.
Damn immortals.
Shh, Gustav, she'll hear you and we'll be grounded again.
Oh, I don't care.
Well, I do.
I like to get out and about from time to time.
Consarn it, you telling me that I finally get me a kissable patootie,
and on the most romantic night of the month, I'm gonna grow hair all over it??
Hell, I might as well have a dumb ass square head like doofus over here!
[sighs] That's not real.
Take that stupid thing off!
But it is more to your liking?
Oh, yeah, I love it. Bend over.
I hate to break it to you boys, but you just lost yourself one happy customer.
And I will not be recommending you highly to any time period, any time soon!
C'mon handsome, let's get outta here.
Do I not look more fetching?
Oh, go to your room!
[thunder claps]
[MUSIC: "I'm a Werewolf"]
♫ I'm a brain and body oddy with another thing that's shoddy, I'm a werewolf ♫
♫ a werewolf ♫
♫ Don't try to rid me sooner and the reason in quite lunar, I'm a werewolf ♫
♫ a werewolf ♫
♫ growl, growl ♫
♫ growl ♫
♫ I'm a werewolf ♫ [ting]