Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman (1976–1977): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript
Grampa Larkin visits a psychiatric social worker; Mary gets some sex books; a strange man follows Heather home from school.
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MARY HARTMAN! MARY HARTMAN!
UH, MAY I HELP YOU?
UH,
UH, NO, THANK YOU,
I'M JUST WAITING FOR SOMEONE.
OH.
EXCUSE ME.
YES?
UH, MAY I SPEAK
TO THE LADY LIBRARIAN?
OH, I'M SORRY.
SHE'S GONE OFF DUTY
FOR THE DAY.
OH.
IS THERE SOMETHING
I CAN HELP YOU WITH?
WELL, SHE WAS SAVING
SOME BOOKS FOR ME, AND...
OH.
WELL, THESE ARE
THE ONLY BOOKS
I SEE SET ASIDE.
ARE THESE
THE BOOKS YOU WANTED?
NO.
OH.
UM, I DON'T SEE
ANY OTHER BOOKS
THAT ARE RESERVED.
THANK YOU.
EXCUSE ME.
YES?
THESE ARE NOT
THE BOOKS THAT I WANTED.
RIGHT.
WHILE I'M IN THE LIBRARY,
I MIGHT AS WELL
TAKE SOME BOOKS OUT, RIGHT?
RIGHT.
SO WHY DON'T I
JUST TAKE THESE?
NO, I'M SORRY.
THESE ARE RESERVED.
BUT COULDN'T I TAKE THEM,
LIKE, ON CONSIGNMENT, OR...
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
WELL, I MEAN,
IF THE PERSON WHO
HAS RESERVED THEM WANTS THEM,
WHY DON'T YOU JUST CALL ME UP
AND I'LL BRING THEM BACK?
UH, NO. NO.
NO, I COULDN'T DO THAT.
UH, ARE YOU...
ARE YOU SURE THESE... THESE
AREN'T THE BOOKS YOU WANTED?
YES, BUT WHY DON'T I JUST
TAKE A LOOK,
JUST TO MAKE SURE, OK?
I'LL JUST TAKE
A LITTLE PEEK HERE,
AND I'LL... I'LL JUST SEE, I...
JUST A LITTLE PEEK.
I'M MARRIED,
YOU KNOW.
OH.
WELL, IT'S MOSTLY
MARRIED WOMEN WHO TAKE OUT
BOOKS ON SEXUAL PROBLEMS.
OH, REALLY?
MMM-HMM.
WELL.
LOOK, IF... IF, UM,
THESE ARE THE BOOKS
YOU CAME DOWN FOR,
I HOPE YOU'RE NOT EMBARRASSED
BECAUSE, UH, I'M A MAN.
EMBARRASSED
THAT YOU'RE A MAN?
NO, WHY SHOULD I
BE EMBARRASSED
THAT YOU'RE A MAN?
I MEAN, I'M NOT EMBARRASSED
THAT YOU'RE A MAN.
DOES IT SEEM LIKE I'M
EMBARRASSED THAT YOU'RE A MAN?
WELL, IT'S...
JUST ALL PART OF MY JOB.
I AM A LIBRARIAN.
WELL,
THAT'S VERY NICE FOR YOU.
ARE THESE THE BOOKS
YOU WANTED?
UH, LOOK,
COULD I BE HONEST WITH YOU?
GOOD.
OK. UM, YOU SEE WHERE
THIS SAYS "HARTMAN"?
IT SAYS "MARY HARTMAN."
MMM-HMM.
SHE'S MY FRIEND.
OH.
YEAH. NOW, YOU SEE
ON THIS LIBRARY CARD?
THE CARD HERE,
IT SAYS "MARY HARTMAN."
YES.
UM, THIS IS HER CARD.
THIS... OH.
ISN'T THAT INTERESTING?
YES, I...
I MEAN,
THAT'S REALLY INTERESTING.
WELL, YES, I'M BEGINNING
TO UNDERSTAND IT.
YEAH.
UH, SHE'S MY FRIEND,
OH, SHE'S...
SO I'M JUST GOING TO
TAKE THESE FOR HER,
IF THAT'S OK.
I'LL JUST TAKE THESE FOR HER.
YOU SEE, SHE'S DOING A REPORT
ON THIS SUBJECT, AND...
WELL, IT'S NOT EXACTLY
ON THE SUBJECT.
IT'S ON INANIMATE OBJECTS.
IT'S "DO INANIMATE OBJECTS
HAVE SEX DRIVES," YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, IT'S CHAIRS,
TABLES, BOOKS.
DO THEY DO IT?
MRS. HARTMAN.
TAKE THE BOOKS.
OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
OH, SHE'LL BE SO HAPPY
THAT I DID THIS.
I'M SURE.
I JUST CAN'T
THANK YOU ENOUGH.
UM,
COULD YOU JUST PUT THESE
IN A BROWN PAPER BAG, PLEASE?
OH, CERTAINLY.
THANK YOU.
DOGGONE IT!
BOY, OH, BOY, OH, BOY!
THAT MACHINE REALLY BUGS ME.
WHY DON'T THEY PUT
AN "OUT OF ORDER"
SIGN ON IT?
I PUT MORE MONEY IN THERE,
I'VE LOST IT.
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU?
OH, BROTHER.
HOT DAMN! LOOK AT THAT.
IT'S A TUNA FISH SANDWICH.
THAT'S A CHUNKY
TUNA FISH SANDWICH.
THAT LORETTA,
SHE KNOWS I LIKE CHUNKY TUNA.
YOU KNOW WHAT
THAT SANDWICH IS?
WHAT?
THAT'S A LOVE SONG.
OH, BROTHER.
THAT'S A POEM.
THAT'S A KISS.
CHARLIE,
IT'S A TUNA FISH SANDWICH,
BUT THE WAY IT'S
ALL MASHED UP,
HOW DO YOU KNOW IT STARTED OUT
BEING CHUNKY TUNA?
'CAUSE I KNOW LORETTA.
DON'T ASK ME
HOW I KNOW MY WOMAN.
I'M NOT ASKING YOU
HOW YOU KNOW YOUR WOMAN,
I'M ASKING YOU
HOW YOU KNOW YOUR TUNA FISH.
LORETTA KNOWS
I LIKE CHUNKY TUNA.
SHE BUYS IT FOR ME SPECIAL.
JUST ONE OF THE MILLION WAYS
SHE SHOWS SHE LOVES ME.
IT'S ONE
OF THE MILLION REASONS
I LOVE HER.
BOY, OH, BOY.
YOU AND THAT LORETTA
ARE JUST TOO MUCH, AREN'T YA?
NO, JUST A NORMAL,
43-YEAR-OLD, BALD-HEADED,
CHUNKY TUNA LOVER
AND HIS NORMAL,
OUT-OF-THIS-WORLD,
QUEEN-OF-THE-SILVER-DOLLAR
WIFE,
WHO HAPPEN TO LOVE EACH OTHER
IN A NORMAL, EXCEPTIONAL,
LOVEY-DOVEY FASHION.
LOVEY-DOVEY,
LOVEY-DOVEY.
IS THAT ALL YOU
EVER THINK ABOUT?
LOVEY-DOVEY, HUH?
NO. NO.
BUT I... I HAPPEN TO BE
LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE
A HAPPY MARRIAGE.
AND ONE OF THE REASONS
FOR THAT IS I HAPPEN TO
BE LUCKY ENOUGH
TO KNOW ONE OF THE REASONS
FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS?
WELL, YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME
ANYWAY, AREN'T YA?
IT'S A SECRET
MY OLD DADDY TOLD ME.
"CHARLIE, MY BOY"...
HE USED TO CALL ME
"CHARLIE, MY BOY."
"CHARLIE, MY BOY,"
HE SAID, "SOMEDAY YOU'RE
GOING TO GET MARRIED,
AND WHEN YOU DO,
REMEMBER THIS."
NOW, GET THIS, TOM.
"THERE NEVER WAS
ANYTHING WRONG
WITH A MARRIAGE
THAT COULDN'T BE CURED
BY A LITTLE LOVEY-DOVEY."
YOU DON'T WANT
TO TALK ABOUT THAT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?
OK, YOU WANT
TO TALK ABOUT IT?
WELL...
NO, I DON'T.
SEE? I TOLD YOU SO.
WHERE'S GEORGE?
OH, HE'S, UH,
MAKIN' A PHONE CALL.
HE'S CALLIN' HIS HOUSE
TO MAKE SURE
THAT GRANDPA LARKIN GETS OFF
IN TIME FOR THAT APPOINTMENT
WITH THAT SOCIAL WORKER,
YOU KNOW?
THAT'S A SHAME
THEY ARRESTED THAT OLD MAN.
HE DIDN'T MEAN ANY HARM.
WHAT'D THEY HAVE TO
ARREST HIM FOR?
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT THEM TO DO
WHEN THEY FOUND OUT
HE WAS THE FERNWOOD FLASHER?
PUT HIM IN A VAUDEVILLE ACT,
HUH?
HE'S A NICE OLD GUY.
I HOPE HE'S GONNA
BE ALL RIGHT NOW.
HEY, MAE, BABE.
HEY, MAE!
TAKE MY CHAIR.
YOU WANNA SEE MY ENGINES?
DOWN, BOYS, DOWN.
ALL BARK AND NO BITE.
SIT DOWN AND EAT YOUR LUNCH
LIKE GOOD LITTLE BOYS.
HI, MAE.
HI, CHARLIE.
CHARLIE, YOU CAN STOP BY
THE PAYROLL OFFICE.
I PUT YOUR CHECK THROUGH
FOR YOUR OVERTIME.
WOW!
OH, THAT DOES IT!
THAT PUTS ME OVER THE TOP.
AND ON CHUNKY TUNA DAY, TOO.
THERE ARE SOME DAYS
WHEN EVERYTHING GOES RIGHT.
"IT'S BETTER TO BE BORN LUCKY
THAN GOOD-LOOKING."
AND YOU WERE BORN BOTH.
YEAH, YOU KNOW... DO YOU KNOW...
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
GETTING THAT CHECK
MEANS THAT NOW
I CAN GO AHEAD.
I CAN... I CAN
PICK UP MY OPTION
ON THE RECORDING STUDIO
AND LET LORETTA GO AHEAD
AND MAKE THAT DEMONSTRATION
RECORD TONIGHT!
OH, CHARLIE,
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
YEAH.
TELL HER I WISH HER
ALL THE LUCK IN THE WORLD.
TELL HER YOURSELF.
YOU... YOU OUGHT TO CALL HER
AND LET HER KNOW
THAT ALL SYSTEMS ARE GO.
I GOT A BETTER IDEA.
YOU COME, TOO,
TO THE RECORDING SESSION.
WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU.
TOM AND MARY ARE COMIN',
RIGHT?
WELL, YEAH, WE...
YOU'RE GONNA BE
IN ON THE MAKING
OF RECORDING HISTORY.
YOU'RE GONNA SEE
THE BIRTH OF A SUPERSTAR.
NOW, LOOK.
HERE IT IS.
IT'S AT TOLEDO, AT THE
TRUTONE RECORDING STUDIOS.
AT 8:30.
YOU THINK YOU CAN GET THERE?
I'D LOVE TO.
THANKS FOR INVITING ME.
THANK YOU FOR
PUTTING THROUGH MY CHECK.
OH. IT WAS A PLEASURE.
YEAH.
WELL, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
- HEY, MAE.
- HEY, GOODBYE, MAE!
YOU MAY BE MAE, BUT YOU
MAKE ME FEEL LIKE JUNE.
COME BACK AGAIN
REAL SOON, OK?
- BYE-BYE!
- COME AGAIN, HONEY.
BYE-BYE.
OH, MAN.
HEY, SHE'S REALLY NICE.
SHE'S REALLY A NICE WOMAN.
YEAH.
WHY DO THESE GUYS
TREAT HER LIKE THAT? WHY?
WELL...
WELL, YOU KNOW, SHE'S A...
SHE'S A DIVORCEE.
WELL, SO WHAT? SO WHAT?
WELL, THEY SAY
THAT WHEN A WOMAN'S BEEN
GETTIN' SOMETHIN' REGULAR,
IF YOU TAKE IT AWAY FROM HER,
SHE STARTS CLIMBIN' THE WALLS.
COME ON.
YOU... YOU BELIEVE THAT?
DO YOU?
NO.
BUT IT'S LIKE
SCIENCE FICTION.
IT'S FUN TO THINK ABOUT.
OH, COME ON.
I... I DON'T BELIEVE A WORD
OF WHAT THESE
GUYS SAY ABOUT MAE.
I MEAN, I DON'T THINK ONE
OF THEM'S EVER EVEN
HAD A DATE WITH HER.
WHY DON'T THEY JUST
LAY OFF HER?
THEY DON'T MEAN ANY HARM.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY MEAN.
THEY DON'T MEAN ANY HARM,
AND SHE...
WELL, THEY GIVE ME
A PAIN IN THE NECK.
HOW'S THAT?
I MEAN A REAL PAIN.
THE MOOD YOU'RE IN,
EVERYTHING TODAY
GIVES YOU A PAIN IN THE NECK.
YOU WANNA KNOW SOMETHING?
I KNOW YOU DIDN'T ASK ME,
BUT I'M GONNA
TELL YOU ANYWAY.
I THINK THERE'S
SOMETHING GOING WRONG
BETWEEN YOU AND MARY.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
BETWEEN ME AND MARY.
SORRY I ASKED.
WOULD YOU LIKE
HALF A CHUNKY TUNA SANDWICH?
YEAH.
COME IN.
E-EXCUSE ME.
I... I AM HERE WITH
MY GRANDPA LARKIN.
RAYMOND LARKIN.
OH, YES, THE, UH,
THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN
WHO VISITED THE, UH,
FERNWOOD ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
AND THE NURSES' HAWAIIAN LUAU
AND EXPOSED HIMSELF.
DON'T SAY THAT!
PLEASE DON'T PUT IT THAT WAY.
WE FEEL THAT
WHEN A MAN EXPOSES HIMSELF,
IT'S NOT A CRIME, I-IT'S...
I KNOW, I KNOW,
BUT IT CERTAINLY
CAN STARTLE YOU.
WELL, YES.
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS
I FEEL THESE THINGS SHOULD BE
TALKED ABOUT OPENLY.
NOW, HOW WOULD YOU PUT IT?
UH, WELL,
UH, UH...
I DON'T THINK
I'D MENTION IT AT ALL.
THE FACTS ARE
PURELY CIRCUMSTANTIAL,
YOU KNOW.
OH, REALLY? I...
WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE, UH,
THE WITNESSES, THE RAINCOAT,
THE ABSENCE OF TROUSERS,
THE PHOTOGRAPH
BY THE STUDENT NURSE?
THERE WASN'T A PHOTOGRAPH!
THERE COULDN'T BE.
MY GOD!
WH-WHO... WHO... WHO... WHO WOULD
TAKE A PICTURE
OF A THING LIKE THAT?
THAT NURSE
MUST HAVE BEEN DEPRAVED.
OH, MRS. LARKIN.
MRS. SHUMWAY.
MRS. SHUMWAY,
PLEASE DON'T CRY.
I'M NOT CRYING.
IT'S JUST THAT
I CAN'T STAND TO SEE PA,
GRANDPA LARKIN,
IN TROUBLE LIKE THIS.
I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH.
I'M SURE YOU DO,
MRS. SHUMWAY.
WH-WHERE'S YOUR COUCH?
WELL, YOU SEE,
I WORK FOR THE COUNTY
AND THEY WON'T BUY ME ONE,
BUT YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE
WHAT CAN BE ACCOMPLISHED
IN CHAIRS.
HE-HE'S A WONDERFUL MAN.
I'M SURE HE IS,
MRS. SHUMWAY.
OH, MRS. SHUMWAY,
PLEASE DON'T WEEP.
I CAN TAKE CRYING,
BUT NOT WEEPING.
I'M NOT A PSYCHIATRIST,
YOU KNOW, JUST
A PSYCHIATRIC SOCIAL WORKER.
OH, I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT.
MAYBE I SHOULD WAIT
TILL I GET HOME
TO GO ALL TO PIECES.
OH, I WOULD APPRECIATE THAT.
I'M VERY EMOTIONAL MYSELF,
YOU KNOW.
I CRY VERY EASILY, TOO.
OH, THAT'S GOOD.
JOIN ME.
MAYBE WE BOTH SHOULD
HAVE A VERY GOOD CRY.
MAYBE THAT WOULD
BE GOOD FOR US.
OH, DON'T TEMPT ME,
MRS. SHUMWAY.
WELL,
DON'T WORRY ABOUT GRANDPA,
BECAUSE HE CRIES HIMSELF
NOW AND THEN.
I LIKE A MAN WHO CAN CRY,
DON'T YOU?
OH, YES, I DO.
I ADORE A MAN WHO CAN CRY.
THEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE CRAZY,
GRAN... ABOUT GRANDPA.
AND... AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHAT?
HE'S GONNA LIKE YOU, TOO.
OH, I DO HOPE SO.
I'M VERY ANXIOUS
TO MEET YOUR GRANDFATHER.
OH, HE'S NOT MY GRANDFATHER,
MISS...
UM?
WOLASHAK.
WOLASHAK, HE'S MY FATHER.
DO I LOOK THAT YOUNG?
HOW DO YOU DO, MR. LARKIN?
WHY DON'T WE SIT DOWN
AND, UH, AND HAVE A NICE,
QUIET LITTLE CHAT?
A NICE, QUIET LITTLE CHAT?
WELL, AT LEAST
THAT'LL BE A DIFFERENCE,
AFTER LIVING
WITH GEORGE SHUMWAY.
THE ONLY TIME I GET
A NICE LITTLE CHAT
THESE DAYS
IS AROUND GRAVESITES
ONCE IN A WHILE.
DO YOU THINK ABOUT DEATH
VERY OFTEN, MR. LARKIN?
WHO'S THINKIN' ABOUT DEATH?
WELL, YOU DID
MENTION GRAVESITES.
UH, GRAVESITES M-MAKE
YOU THINK OF DEATH?
THEY'VE BEEN KNOWN TO, YES.
WHAT, MAY I ASK,
DO GRAVESITES
MAKE YOU THINK OF?
THE FIRST DATE I EVER HAD.
MY GOODNESS,
THAT'S VERY INTERESTING.
A HUGE PIECE OF MARBLE.
UH, NOT UPRIGHT,
YOU UNDERSTAND.
UH, LAYING OUT FLAT.
I SEE.
A HOT SUMMER NIGHT,
COOL MARBLE,
AND SHE WAS 16.
BARELY.
AND HOW OLD WERE YOU,
IF I MAY ASK?
13, AND THERE WASN'T
A HOTTER NIGHT
ALL SUMMER.
MR. LARKIN,
THAT IS THE MOST FASCINATING
STORY I HAVE EVER HEARD.
I WILL JUST NEVER
FEEL THE SAME
ABOUT GRAVESITES AGAIN.
THANK YOU.
HUH,
YOU'RE AN EASY
PERSON TO TALK TO,
YOUNG LADY.
AM I REALLY?
WELL, YOU DO S-SOMETHING
MOST PEOPLE DON'T DO
WHEN THEY TALK.
AT LEAST WHEN
THEY TALK TO ME.
WHAT'S THAT, MR. LARKIN?
LISTEN.
OH, WELL,
TO BE FAIR, IT IS MY JOB.
LISTENING?
THAT'S RIGHT.
JUST LISTENING?
8 HOURS A DAY.
HOW DID YOU FALL
INTO A RACKET LIKE THAT?
WELL, ACTUALLY,
IT TAKES YEARS TO QUALIFY.
THAT EXPLAINS WHY
THE SHUMWAYS NEVER LISTEN,
IF YOU HAVE TO
STUDY UP TO IT.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE AN IDEA.
WHY DON'T WE
CONTINUE TO EXPLORE
WITH WORD ASSOCIATIONS?
EXPLORE WHAT?
WELL, OURSELVES,
BASICALLY.
DID I TURN YOU ON
WITH THAT GRAVESITE STORY?
OH, NO, YOU FASCINATED ME,
BUT YOU DIDN'T TURN ME ON.
GOOD, BECAUSE YOU CAN'T
TELL THAT STORY
TO EVERYBODY, YOU KNOW.
I-I'M SURE.
UH...
NOW, SHALL WE CONTINUE?
WELL, WHAT ARE WE UP TO NOW?
WELL, FIRST WE HAD
THE WORD "GRAVESITES,"
WHICH LED TO THAT
INCREDIBLE STORY,
AND NOW I'LL SAY
ANOTHER WORD,
AND THEN YOU JUST SAY ANYTHING
THAT COMES INTO YOUR MIND.
WHY?
WELL, BECAUSE THAT'S THE WAY
WORD ASSOCIATION WORKS.
I SAY A WORD
AND THEN YOU SAY A WORD.
AND THAT'S WHAT YOU DO?
THAT'S YOUR JOB?
WELL, BASICALLY, YES.
YOU REALLY FELL
INTO A HONEY POT.
SOME DAYS, YES.
UM...
NOW, ABOUT THAT WORD, UM,
HOW ABOUT "HONEY"?
HOW ABOUT WHAT, HONEY?
NO, I MEAN, UH,
THE WORD, "HONEY."
WHEN I SAY, "HONEY,"
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF?
WELL,
I... I THINK WE'RE MOVING ALONG
PRETTY FAST, HONEY.
NO.
WAIT. LET'S... LET'S JUST START
ALL OVER.
UH, HOW ABOUT, UH...
"SMILE"?
SMILE?
SMILE.
DEATH.
DEATH?
DEATH.
I SAY "SMILE" AND
YOU SAY "DEATH"?
WHY, MR. LARKIN?
HOW LONG SINCE YOU LOOKED
INTO A CASKET?
THEY ALL SMILE AT YOU,
WHETHER THEY WANT TO OR NOT.
MY OLD FRIEND, AL PARKINS,
HE WENT 40 YEARS
WITHOUT SMILIN'.
NOW, YOU GOTTA...
I'VE GOTTA ADMIRE A MAN
FOR THAT.
WELL, THEN DEATH TAPPED HIM.
ACTUALLY,
HE WAS HIT BY A TRUCK.
AND THEY PUT THIS BIG SMILE
ON HIS FACE,
LIKE GETTING HIT BY A TRUCK
FINALLY MADE AL HAPPY.
WELL,
NOTHING MADE AL HAPPY,
AND HE DESERVED THE RIGHT
TO GO OUT FROWNING.
MR. LARKIN,
I ADORE THE WAY
YOUR MIND WORKS.
YEAH?
YEAH.
I WISH YOU HAD MET ME EARLIER,
WHEN MORE OF IT WAS WORKING.
OH, THERE'S PLENTY LEFT.
JUST PLENTY.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
YEAH, IT'S OK.
NOTHING SPECIAL.
THESE ARE NOTHING SPECIAL?
DID YOU SEE SOME OF THE THINGS
THE PEOPLE ARE DOING
TO EACH OTHER IN THIS BOOK?
YEAH, SO?
LOOK AT THIS.
A PERSON COULD GET INJURED
DOING THAT.
WH-WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"INJURED"?
WELL, HE COULD
SPRAIN AN ANKLE.
AND LOOK WHERE YOUR FOOT IS.
DO YOU THINK
THAT'S COMFORTABLE FOR HER?
PEOPLE DON'T REALLY
DO THOSE THINGS, DO THEY?
ARE YOU KIDDING?
I DON'T THINK SO.
PEOPLE DO DO THESE THINGS?
WHAT DO YOU THINK,
IT'S UNCONVENTIONAL?
IT ISN'T?
NO. WHEN 2 PEOPLE ARE IN LOVE,
NOTHING IS UNCONVENTIONAL.
YOU MEAN, UH,
YOU AND TOM DON'T...
I DON'T WANT TO TALK
ABOUT THIS ANYMORE.
WELL, YOU BROUGHT IT UP.
WELL, IT'S MY HOUSE.
I HAVE A RIGHT
TO BRING IT UP.
AND NOW YOU DON'T WANNA
TALK ABOUT IT.
WELL, IT'S MY KITCHEN,
I HAVE A RIGHT
TO CHANGE MY MIND.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW
WHY YOU CALLED ME OVER HERE.
I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED.
YOU'RE CONFUSED.
HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?
IN HIGH SCHOOL,
I GOT AN "A"
IN SEX EDUCATION.
IT WAS ALWAYS SUCH
A STRONG AREA FOR ME.
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
NOW, WHEN... WHEN
YOU START THINGS,
IN...
WITH TOM, IN BED, I MEAN,
YOU KNOW,
UM, YOU SAID
THAT TURNS HIM OFF?
YEAH.
AND WHEN YOU DON'T DO
ANYTHING AT ALL,
THAT DOESN'T TURN HIM ON?
SO CAN I ASK YOU
JUST ONE QUESTION?
WHAT?
ARE YOU SURE
HE HAS A PILOT LIGHT?
CATHY!
WHAT KIND OF
A QUESTION IS THAT?
YOU KNOW, I DON'T UNDERSTAND
YOUR LANGUAGE AT ALL.
I MEAN, I REALLY DON'T...
HEATHER, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HOME?
HE FOLLOWED ME.
HE FOLLOWED ME
ALL THE WAY HOME
FROM SCHOOL!
WHO? WHAT?
DON'T LOOK AT ME.
YOU DIDN'T LISTEN TO ME
WHEN I TOLD YOU
ABOUT BIRTH CONTROL PILLS.
WHO TAUGHT YOU
TO TALK LIKE THIS?
HEATHER!
HEATHER!
HEATHER!
UNBOLT THE SWINGING DOOR.
HEATHER,
PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR.
HE DID.
HE REALLY DID.
HE FOLLOWED ME
ALL THE WAY HOME
FROM SCHOOL.
WHO DID? WHO?
A MAN.
WHAT MAN?
I CAN'T TELL YOU.
I NEED TO GO UPSTAIRS
AND LOCK MYSELF
IN MY ROOM.
I'M NEVER COMING OUT.
I'LL PROBABLY
STARVE TO DEATH.
GOODBYE.
GOODBYE.
OH, MY. IT MUST BE THE MAN
WHO CALLED LAST NIGHT.
WHAT MAN?
A MAN CALLED UP LAST NIGHT
AND HE SAID SOMETHING
ABOUT HEATHER
AND THE LOMBARDI MURDER.
NOT MURDER, MURDERS.
WHAT?
NOT MURDER. MURDERS.
IT'S PLURAL. WITH AN "S".
MURDER, MURDERS.
NO, YOU SEE, IT'S WITH AN "S",
BECAUSE MORE THAN ONE PERSON
GOT MURDERED.
THERE WERE 5 LOMBARDIS,
8 GOATS, AND 2 CHICKENS.
NO, THERE WERE 5 LOMBARDIS,
8 CHICKENS, AND 2 GOATS.
CATHY, I CAN'T STAND HERE
ARGUING ABOUT GRAMMAR!
MY DAUGHTER NEEDS ME!
YEAH,
BUT WHEN YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT MORE THAN ONE PERSON,
YOU HAVE TO SAY...
I KNOW!
IT'S MURDERS, MURDERS!
CATHY, I'M A MOTHER!
I HAVE A DAUGHTER!
WHO NEEDS ME!
HEATHER!
HEATHER, I KNOW YOU NEED ME.
HEATHER, I WANT TO HELP YOU.
LEAVE ME ALONE!
OH.
DO YOU THINK
SHE KNOWS SOMETHING
ABOUT THE MASS MURDER?
MURDERS.
HERE ARE SOME SCENES
FROM THE NEXT EPISODE
OF MARY HARTMAN, MARY HARTMAN.
"YOU AND YOUR CLIMAX."
HUH? WHAT?
"ORGASM AND YOU."
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WENT IN
FOR SEX BOOKS.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
THESE ARE YOUR BOOKS,
AREN'T THEY?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MY BOOKS?
NO WAY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM,
SOME KIND OF PERVERT?
THEY'RE FROM THE LIBRARY.
THE... YOU MEAN
THEY LET A 12-YEAR-OLD KID
TAKE OUT BOOKS LIKE THIS?
THAT'S AWFUL, CHARLIE.
MARY ISN'T 12 YEARS OLD
ANYMORE, IS SHE?
WHAT?
SHE TOOK THE BOOKS OUT.
THAT'S HER CARD.
UH, TOM,
YOU'VE BEEN ASKING ME
A LOT OF QUESTIONS ABOUT,
YOU KNOW, ME AND LORETTA.
AND
GEORGE KEEPS SAYING
SOMETHING...
SOMETHING'S GOT MARY UNHAPPY
OR SOMETHING.
MARY'S GOT THESE BOOKS OUT.
I'M JUST PUTTING
2 AND 2 TOGETHER.
NOW, YOU KNOW
I NEVER ASK YOU
ANYTHING PERSONAL.
SO LET ME ASK YOU THIS:
ARE YOU AND MARY
HAVING TROUBLE WITH
YOU AND YOUR CLIMAX?
---
MARY HARTMAN! MARY HARTMAN!
UH, MAY I HELP YOU?
UH,
UH, NO, THANK YOU,
I'M JUST WAITING FOR SOMEONE.
OH.
EXCUSE ME.
YES?
UH, MAY I SPEAK
TO THE LADY LIBRARIAN?
OH, I'M SORRY.
SHE'S GONE OFF DUTY
FOR THE DAY.
OH.
IS THERE SOMETHING
I CAN HELP YOU WITH?
WELL, SHE WAS SAVING
SOME BOOKS FOR ME, AND...
OH.
WELL, THESE ARE
THE ONLY BOOKS
I SEE SET ASIDE.
ARE THESE
THE BOOKS YOU WANTED?
NO.
OH.
UM, I DON'T SEE
ANY OTHER BOOKS
THAT ARE RESERVED.
THANK YOU.
EXCUSE ME.
YES?
THESE ARE NOT
THE BOOKS THAT I WANTED.
RIGHT.
WHILE I'M IN THE LIBRARY,
I MIGHT AS WELL
TAKE SOME BOOKS OUT, RIGHT?
RIGHT.
SO WHY DON'T I
JUST TAKE THESE?
NO, I'M SORRY.
THESE ARE RESERVED.
BUT COULDN'T I TAKE THEM,
LIKE, ON CONSIGNMENT, OR...
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
WELL, I MEAN,
IF THE PERSON WHO
HAS RESERVED THEM WANTS THEM,
WHY DON'T YOU JUST CALL ME UP
AND I'LL BRING THEM BACK?
UH, NO. NO.
NO, I COULDN'T DO THAT.
UH, ARE YOU...
ARE YOU SURE THESE... THESE
AREN'T THE BOOKS YOU WANTED?
YES, BUT WHY DON'T I JUST
TAKE A LOOK,
JUST TO MAKE SURE, OK?
I'LL JUST TAKE
A LITTLE PEEK HERE,
AND I'LL... I'LL JUST SEE, I...
JUST A LITTLE PEEK.
I'M MARRIED,
YOU KNOW.
OH.
WELL, IT'S MOSTLY
MARRIED WOMEN WHO TAKE OUT
BOOKS ON SEXUAL PROBLEMS.
OH, REALLY?
MMM-HMM.
WELL.
LOOK, IF... IF, UM,
THESE ARE THE BOOKS
YOU CAME DOWN FOR,
I HOPE YOU'RE NOT EMBARRASSED
BECAUSE, UH, I'M A MAN.
EMBARRASSED
THAT YOU'RE A MAN?
NO, WHY SHOULD I
BE EMBARRASSED
THAT YOU'RE A MAN?
I MEAN, I'M NOT EMBARRASSED
THAT YOU'RE A MAN.
DOES IT SEEM LIKE I'M
EMBARRASSED THAT YOU'RE A MAN?
WELL, IT'S...
JUST ALL PART OF MY JOB.
I AM A LIBRARIAN.
WELL,
THAT'S VERY NICE FOR YOU.
ARE THESE THE BOOKS
YOU WANTED?
UH, LOOK,
COULD I BE HONEST WITH YOU?
GOOD.
OK. UM, YOU SEE WHERE
THIS SAYS "HARTMAN"?
IT SAYS "MARY HARTMAN."
MMM-HMM.
SHE'S MY FRIEND.
OH.
YEAH. NOW, YOU SEE
ON THIS LIBRARY CARD?
THE CARD HERE,
IT SAYS "MARY HARTMAN."
YES.
UM, THIS IS HER CARD.
THIS... OH.
ISN'T THAT INTERESTING?
YES, I...
I MEAN,
THAT'S REALLY INTERESTING.
WELL, YES, I'M BEGINNING
TO UNDERSTAND IT.
YEAH.
UH, SHE'S MY FRIEND,
OH, SHE'S...
SO I'M JUST GOING TO
TAKE THESE FOR HER,
IF THAT'S OK.
I'LL JUST TAKE THESE FOR HER.
YOU SEE, SHE'S DOING A REPORT
ON THIS SUBJECT, AND...
WELL, IT'S NOT EXACTLY
ON THE SUBJECT.
IT'S ON INANIMATE OBJECTS.
IT'S "DO INANIMATE OBJECTS
HAVE SEX DRIVES," YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, IT'S CHAIRS,
TABLES, BOOKS.
DO THEY DO IT?
MRS. HARTMAN.
TAKE THE BOOKS.
OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
OH, SHE'LL BE SO HAPPY
THAT I DID THIS.
I'M SURE.
I JUST CAN'T
THANK YOU ENOUGH.
UM,
COULD YOU JUST PUT THESE
IN A BROWN PAPER BAG, PLEASE?
OH, CERTAINLY.
THANK YOU.
DOGGONE IT!
BOY, OH, BOY, OH, BOY!
THAT MACHINE REALLY BUGS ME.
WHY DON'T THEY PUT
AN "OUT OF ORDER"
SIGN ON IT?
I PUT MORE MONEY IN THERE,
I'VE LOST IT.
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU?
OH, BROTHER.
HOT DAMN! LOOK AT THAT.
IT'S A TUNA FISH SANDWICH.
THAT'S A CHUNKY
TUNA FISH SANDWICH.
THAT LORETTA,
SHE KNOWS I LIKE CHUNKY TUNA.
YOU KNOW WHAT
THAT SANDWICH IS?
WHAT?
THAT'S A LOVE SONG.
OH, BROTHER.
THAT'S A POEM.
THAT'S A KISS.
CHARLIE,
IT'S A TUNA FISH SANDWICH,
BUT THE WAY IT'S
ALL MASHED UP,
HOW DO YOU KNOW IT STARTED OUT
BEING CHUNKY TUNA?
'CAUSE I KNOW LORETTA.
DON'T ASK ME
HOW I KNOW MY WOMAN.
I'M NOT ASKING YOU
HOW YOU KNOW YOUR WOMAN,
I'M ASKING YOU
HOW YOU KNOW YOUR TUNA FISH.
LORETTA KNOWS
I LIKE CHUNKY TUNA.
SHE BUYS IT FOR ME SPECIAL.
JUST ONE OF THE MILLION WAYS
SHE SHOWS SHE LOVES ME.
IT'S ONE
OF THE MILLION REASONS
I LOVE HER.
BOY, OH, BOY.
YOU AND THAT LORETTA
ARE JUST TOO MUCH, AREN'T YA?
NO, JUST A NORMAL,
43-YEAR-OLD, BALD-HEADED,
CHUNKY TUNA LOVER
AND HIS NORMAL,
OUT-OF-THIS-WORLD,
QUEEN-OF-THE-SILVER-DOLLAR
WIFE,
WHO HAPPEN TO LOVE EACH OTHER
IN A NORMAL, EXCEPTIONAL,
LOVEY-DOVEY FASHION.
LOVEY-DOVEY,
LOVEY-DOVEY.
IS THAT ALL YOU
EVER THINK ABOUT?
LOVEY-DOVEY, HUH?
NO. NO.
BUT I... I HAPPEN TO BE
LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE
A HAPPY MARRIAGE.
AND ONE OF THE REASONS
FOR THAT IS I HAPPEN TO
BE LUCKY ENOUGH
TO KNOW ONE OF THE REASONS
FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS?
WELL, YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME
ANYWAY, AREN'T YA?
IT'S A SECRET
MY OLD DADDY TOLD ME.
"CHARLIE, MY BOY"...
HE USED TO CALL ME
"CHARLIE, MY BOY."
"CHARLIE, MY BOY,"
HE SAID, "SOMEDAY YOU'RE
GOING TO GET MARRIED,
AND WHEN YOU DO,
REMEMBER THIS."
NOW, GET THIS, TOM.
"THERE NEVER WAS
ANYTHING WRONG
WITH A MARRIAGE
THAT COULDN'T BE CURED
BY A LITTLE LOVEY-DOVEY."
YOU DON'T WANT
TO TALK ABOUT THAT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?
OK, YOU WANT
TO TALK ABOUT IT?
WELL...
NO, I DON'T.
SEE? I TOLD YOU SO.
WHERE'S GEORGE?
OH, HE'S, UH,
MAKIN' A PHONE CALL.
HE'S CALLIN' HIS HOUSE
TO MAKE SURE
THAT GRANDPA LARKIN GETS OFF
IN TIME FOR THAT APPOINTMENT
WITH THAT SOCIAL WORKER,
YOU KNOW?
THAT'S A SHAME
THEY ARRESTED THAT OLD MAN.
HE DIDN'T MEAN ANY HARM.
WHAT'D THEY HAVE TO
ARREST HIM FOR?
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT THEM TO DO
WHEN THEY FOUND OUT
HE WAS THE FERNWOOD FLASHER?
PUT HIM IN A VAUDEVILLE ACT,
HUH?
HE'S A NICE OLD GUY.
I HOPE HE'S GONNA
BE ALL RIGHT NOW.
HEY, MAE, BABE.
HEY, MAE!
TAKE MY CHAIR.
YOU WANNA SEE MY ENGINES?
DOWN, BOYS, DOWN.
ALL BARK AND NO BITE.
SIT DOWN AND EAT YOUR LUNCH
LIKE GOOD LITTLE BOYS.
HI, MAE.
HI, CHARLIE.
CHARLIE, YOU CAN STOP BY
THE PAYROLL OFFICE.
I PUT YOUR CHECK THROUGH
FOR YOUR OVERTIME.
WOW!
OH, THAT DOES IT!
THAT PUTS ME OVER THE TOP.
AND ON CHUNKY TUNA DAY, TOO.
THERE ARE SOME DAYS
WHEN EVERYTHING GOES RIGHT.
"IT'S BETTER TO BE BORN LUCKY
THAN GOOD-LOOKING."
AND YOU WERE BORN BOTH.
YEAH, YOU KNOW... DO YOU KNOW...
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
GETTING THAT CHECK
MEANS THAT NOW
I CAN GO AHEAD.
I CAN... I CAN
PICK UP MY OPTION
ON THE RECORDING STUDIO
AND LET LORETTA GO AHEAD
AND MAKE THAT DEMONSTRATION
RECORD TONIGHT!
OH, CHARLIE,
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
YEAH.
TELL HER I WISH HER
ALL THE LUCK IN THE WORLD.
TELL HER YOURSELF.
YOU... YOU OUGHT TO CALL HER
AND LET HER KNOW
THAT ALL SYSTEMS ARE GO.
I GOT A BETTER IDEA.
YOU COME, TOO,
TO THE RECORDING SESSION.
WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU.
TOM AND MARY ARE COMIN',
RIGHT?
WELL, YEAH, WE...
YOU'RE GONNA BE
IN ON THE MAKING
OF RECORDING HISTORY.
YOU'RE GONNA SEE
THE BIRTH OF A SUPERSTAR.
NOW, LOOK.
HERE IT IS.
IT'S AT TOLEDO, AT THE
TRUTONE RECORDING STUDIOS.
AT 8:30.
YOU THINK YOU CAN GET THERE?
I'D LOVE TO.
THANKS FOR INVITING ME.
THANK YOU FOR
PUTTING THROUGH MY CHECK.
OH. IT WAS A PLEASURE.
YEAH.
WELL, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
- HEY, MAE.
- HEY, GOODBYE, MAE!
YOU MAY BE MAE, BUT YOU
MAKE ME FEEL LIKE JUNE.
COME BACK AGAIN
REAL SOON, OK?
- BYE-BYE!
- COME AGAIN, HONEY.
BYE-BYE.
OH, MAN.
HEY, SHE'S REALLY NICE.
SHE'S REALLY A NICE WOMAN.
YEAH.
WHY DO THESE GUYS
TREAT HER LIKE THAT? WHY?
WELL...
WELL, YOU KNOW, SHE'S A...
SHE'S A DIVORCEE.
WELL, SO WHAT? SO WHAT?
WELL, THEY SAY
THAT WHEN A WOMAN'S BEEN
GETTIN' SOMETHIN' REGULAR,
IF YOU TAKE IT AWAY FROM HER,
SHE STARTS CLIMBIN' THE WALLS.
COME ON.
YOU... YOU BELIEVE THAT?
DO YOU?
NO.
BUT IT'S LIKE
SCIENCE FICTION.
IT'S FUN TO THINK ABOUT.
OH, COME ON.
I... I DON'T BELIEVE A WORD
OF WHAT THESE
GUYS SAY ABOUT MAE.
I MEAN, I DON'T THINK ONE
OF THEM'S EVER EVEN
HAD A DATE WITH HER.
WHY DON'T THEY JUST
LAY OFF HER?
THEY DON'T MEAN ANY HARM.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY MEAN.
THEY DON'T MEAN ANY HARM,
AND SHE...
WELL, THEY GIVE ME
A PAIN IN THE NECK.
HOW'S THAT?
I MEAN A REAL PAIN.
THE MOOD YOU'RE IN,
EVERYTHING TODAY
GIVES YOU A PAIN IN THE NECK.
YOU WANNA KNOW SOMETHING?
I KNOW YOU DIDN'T ASK ME,
BUT I'M GONNA
TELL YOU ANYWAY.
I THINK THERE'S
SOMETHING GOING WRONG
BETWEEN YOU AND MARY.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
BETWEEN ME AND MARY.
SORRY I ASKED.
WOULD YOU LIKE
HALF A CHUNKY TUNA SANDWICH?
YEAH.
COME IN.
E-EXCUSE ME.
I... I AM HERE WITH
MY GRANDPA LARKIN.
RAYMOND LARKIN.
OH, YES, THE, UH,
THE ELDERLY GENTLEMAN
WHO VISITED THE, UH,
FERNWOOD ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
AND THE NURSES' HAWAIIAN LUAU
AND EXPOSED HIMSELF.
DON'T SAY THAT!
PLEASE DON'T PUT IT THAT WAY.
WE FEEL THAT
WHEN A MAN EXPOSES HIMSELF,
IT'S NOT A CRIME, I-IT'S...
I KNOW, I KNOW,
BUT IT CERTAINLY
CAN STARTLE YOU.
WELL, YES.
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS
I FEEL THESE THINGS SHOULD BE
TALKED ABOUT OPENLY.
NOW, HOW WOULD YOU PUT IT?
UH, WELL,
UH, UH...
I DON'T THINK
I'D MENTION IT AT ALL.
THE FACTS ARE
PURELY CIRCUMSTANTIAL,
YOU KNOW.
OH, REALLY? I...
WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE, UH,
THE WITNESSES, THE RAINCOAT,
THE ABSENCE OF TROUSERS,
THE PHOTOGRAPH
BY THE STUDENT NURSE?
THERE WASN'T A PHOTOGRAPH!
THERE COULDN'T BE.
MY GOD!
WH-WHO... WHO... WHO... WHO WOULD
TAKE A PICTURE
OF A THING LIKE THAT?
THAT NURSE
MUST HAVE BEEN DEPRAVED.
OH, MRS. LARKIN.
MRS. SHUMWAY.
MRS. SHUMWAY,
PLEASE DON'T CRY.
I'M NOT CRYING.
IT'S JUST THAT
I CAN'T STAND TO SEE PA,
GRANDPA LARKIN,
IN TROUBLE LIKE THIS.
I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH.
I'M SURE YOU DO,
MRS. SHUMWAY.
WH-WHERE'S YOUR COUCH?
WELL, YOU SEE,
I WORK FOR THE COUNTY
AND THEY WON'T BUY ME ONE,
BUT YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE
WHAT CAN BE ACCOMPLISHED
IN CHAIRS.
HE-HE'S A WONDERFUL MAN.
I'M SURE HE IS,
MRS. SHUMWAY.
OH, MRS. SHUMWAY,
PLEASE DON'T WEEP.
I CAN TAKE CRYING,
BUT NOT WEEPING.
I'M NOT A PSYCHIATRIST,
YOU KNOW, JUST
A PSYCHIATRIC SOCIAL WORKER.
OH, I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT.
MAYBE I SHOULD WAIT
TILL I GET HOME
TO GO ALL TO PIECES.
OH, I WOULD APPRECIATE THAT.
I'M VERY EMOTIONAL MYSELF,
YOU KNOW.
I CRY VERY EASILY, TOO.
OH, THAT'S GOOD.
JOIN ME.
MAYBE WE BOTH SHOULD
HAVE A VERY GOOD CRY.
MAYBE THAT WOULD
BE GOOD FOR US.
OH, DON'T TEMPT ME,
MRS. SHUMWAY.
WELL,
DON'T WORRY ABOUT GRANDPA,
BECAUSE HE CRIES HIMSELF
NOW AND THEN.
I LIKE A MAN WHO CAN CRY,
DON'T YOU?
OH, YES, I DO.
I ADORE A MAN WHO CAN CRY.
THEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE CRAZY,
GRAN... ABOUT GRANDPA.
AND... AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHAT?
HE'S GONNA LIKE YOU, TOO.
OH, I DO HOPE SO.
I'M VERY ANXIOUS
TO MEET YOUR GRANDFATHER.
OH, HE'S NOT MY GRANDFATHER,
MISS...
UM?
WOLASHAK.
WOLASHAK, HE'S MY FATHER.
DO I LOOK THAT YOUNG?
HOW DO YOU DO, MR. LARKIN?
WHY DON'T WE SIT DOWN
AND, UH, AND HAVE A NICE,
QUIET LITTLE CHAT?
A NICE, QUIET LITTLE CHAT?
WELL, AT LEAST
THAT'LL BE A DIFFERENCE,
AFTER LIVING
WITH GEORGE SHUMWAY.
THE ONLY TIME I GET
A NICE LITTLE CHAT
THESE DAYS
IS AROUND GRAVESITES
ONCE IN A WHILE.
DO YOU THINK ABOUT DEATH
VERY OFTEN, MR. LARKIN?
WHO'S THINKIN' ABOUT DEATH?
WELL, YOU DID
MENTION GRAVESITES.
UH, GRAVESITES M-MAKE
YOU THINK OF DEATH?
THEY'VE BEEN KNOWN TO, YES.
WHAT, MAY I ASK,
DO GRAVESITES
MAKE YOU THINK OF?
THE FIRST DATE I EVER HAD.
MY GOODNESS,
THAT'S VERY INTERESTING.
A HUGE PIECE OF MARBLE.
UH, NOT UPRIGHT,
YOU UNDERSTAND.
UH, LAYING OUT FLAT.
I SEE.
A HOT SUMMER NIGHT,
COOL MARBLE,
AND SHE WAS 16.
BARELY.
AND HOW OLD WERE YOU,
IF I MAY ASK?
13, AND THERE WASN'T
A HOTTER NIGHT
ALL SUMMER.
MR. LARKIN,
THAT IS THE MOST FASCINATING
STORY I HAVE EVER HEARD.
I WILL JUST NEVER
FEEL THE SAME
ABOUT GRAVESITES AGAIN.
THANK YOU.
HUH,
YOU'RE AN EASY
PERSON TO TALK TO,
YOUNG LADY.
AM I REALLY?
WELL, YOU DO S-SOMETHING
MOST PEOPLE DON'T DO
WHEN THEY TALK.
AT LEAST WHEN
THEY TALK TO ME.
WHAT'S THAT, MR. LARKIN?
LISTEN.
OH, WELL,
TO BE FAIR, IT IS MY JOB.
LISTENING?
THAT'S RIGHT.
JUST LISTENING?
8 HOURS A DAY.
HOW DID YOU FALL
INTO A RACKET LIKE THAT?
WELL, ACTUALLY,
IT TAKES YEARS TO QUALIFY.
THAT EXPLAINS WHY
THE SHUMWAYS NEVER LISTEN,
IF YOU HAVE TO
STUDY UP TO IT.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE AN IDEA.
WHY DON'T WE
CONTINUE TO EXPLORE
WITH WORD ASSOCIATIONS?
EXPLORE WHAT?
WELL, OURSELVES,
BASICALLY.
DID I TURN YOU ON
WITH THAT GRAVESITE STORY?
OH, NO, YOU FASCINATED ME,
BUT YOU DIDN'T TURN ME ON.
GOOD, BECAUSE YOU CAN'T
TELL THAT STORY
TO EVERYBODY, YOU KNOW.
I-I'M SURE.
UH...
NOW, SHALL WE CONTINUE?
WELL, WHAT ARE WE UP TO NOW?
WELL, FIRST WE HAD
THE WORD "GRAVESITES,"
WHICH LED TO THAT
INCREDIBLE STORY,
AND NOW I'LL SAY
ANOTHER WORD,
AND THEN YOU JUST SAY ANYTHING
THAT COMES INTO YOUR MIND.
WHY?
WELL, BECAUSE THAT'S THE WAY
WORD ASSOCIATION WORKS.
I SAY A WORD
AND THEN YOU SAY A WORD.
AND THAT'S WHAT YOU DO?
THAT'S YOUR JOB?
WELL, BASICALLY, YES.
YOU REALLY FELL
INTO A HONEY POT.
SOME DAYS, YES.
UM...
NOW, ABOUT THAT WORD, UM,
HOW ABOUT "HONEY"?
HOW ABOUT WHAT, HONEY?
NO, I MEAN, UH,
THE WORD, "HONEY."
WHEN I SAY, "HONEY,"
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF?
WELL,
I... I THINK WE'RE MOVING ALONG
PRETTY FAST, HONEY.
NO.
WAIT. LET'S... LET'S JUST START
ALL OVER.
UH, HOW ABOUT, UH...
"SMILE"?
SMILE?
SMILE.
DEATH.
DEATH?
DEATH.
I SAY "SMILE" AND
YOU SAY "DEATH"?
WHY, MR. LARKIN?
HOW LONG SINCE YOU LOOKED
INTO A CASKET?
THEY ALL SMILE AT YOU,
WHETHER THEY WANT TO OR NOT.
MY OLD FRIEND, AL PARKINS,
HE WENT 40 YEARS
WITHOUT SMILIN'.
NOW, YOU GOTTA...
I'VE GOTTA ADMIRE A MAN
FOR THAT.
WELL, THEN DEATH TAPPED HIM.
ACTUALLY,
HE WAS HIT BY A TRUCK.
AND THEY PUT THIS BIG SMILE
ON HIS FACE,
LIKE GETTING HIT BY A TRUCK
FINALLY MADE AL HAPPY.
WELL,
NOTHING MADE AL HAPPY,
AND HE DESERVED THE RIGHT
TO GO OUT FROWNING.
MR. LARKIN,
I ADORE THE WAY
YOUR MIND WORKS.
YEAH?
YEAH.
I WISH YOU HAD MET ME EARLIER,
WHEN MORE OF IT WAS WORKING.
OH, THERE'S PLENTY LEFT.
JUST PLENTY.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
YEAH, IT'S OK.
NOTHING SPECIAL.
THESE ARE NOTHING SPECIAL?
DID YOU SEE SOME OF THE THINGS
THE PEOPLE ARE DOING
TO EACH OTHER IN THIS BOOK?
YEAH, SO?
LOOK AT THIS.
A PERSON COULD GET INJURED
DOING THAT.
WH-WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"INJURED"?
WELL, HE COULD
SPRAIN AN ANKLE.
AND LOOK WHERE YOUR FOOT IS.
DO YOU THINK
THAT'S COMFORTABLE FOR HER?
PEOPLE DON'T REALLY
DO THOSE THINGS, DO THEY?
ARE YOU KIDDING?
I DON'T THINK SO.
PEOPLE DO DO THESE THINGS?
WHAT DO YOU THINK,
IT'S UNCONVENTIONAL?
IT ISN'T?
NO. WHEN 2 PEOPLE ARE IN LOVE,
NOTHING IS UNCONVENTIONAL.
YOU MEAN, UH,
YOU AND TOM DON'T...
I DON'T WANT TO TALK
ABOUT THIS ANYMORE.
WELL, YOU BROUGHT IT UP.
WELL, IT'S MY HOUSE.
I HAVE A RIGHT
TO BRING IT UP.
AND NOW YOU DON'T WANNA
TALK ABOUT IT.
WELL, IT'S MY KITCHEN,
I HAVE A RIGHT
TO CHANGE MY MIND.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW
WHY YOU CALLED ME OVER HERE.
I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED.
YOU'RE CONFUSED.
HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?
IN HIGH SCHOOL,
I GOT AN "A"
IN SEX EDUCATION.
IT WAS ALWAYS SUCH
A STRONG AREA FOR ME.
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
NOW, WHEN... WHEN
YOU START THINGS,
IN...
WITH TOM, IN BED, I MEAN,
YOU KNOW,
UM, YOU SAID
THAT TURNS HIM OFF?
YEAH.
AND WHEN YOU DON'T DO
ANYTHING AT ALL,
THAT DOESN'T TURN HIM ON?
SO CAN I ASK YOU
JUST ONE QUESTION?
WHAT?
ARE YOU SURE
HE HAS A PILOT LIGHT?
CATHY!
WHAT KIND OF
A QUESTION IS THAT?
YOU KNOW, I DON'T UNDERSTAND
YOUR LANGUAGE AT ALL.
I MEAN, I REALLY DON'T...
HEATHER, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HOME?
HE FOLLOWED ME.
HE FOLLOWED ME
ALL THE WAY HOME
FROM SCHOOL!
WHO? WHAT?
DON'T LOOK AT ME.
YOU DIDN'T LISTEN TO ME
WHEN I TOLD YOU
ABOUT BIRTH CONTROL PILLS.
WHO TAUGHT YOU
TO TALK LIKE THIS?
HEATHER!
HEATHER!
HEATHER!
UNBOLT THE SWINGING DOOR.
HEATHER,
PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR.
HE DID.
HE REALLY DID.
HE FOLLOWED ME
ALL THE WAY HOME
FROM SCHOOL.
WHO DID? WHO?
A MAN.
WHAT MAN?
I CAN'T TELL YOU.
I NEED TO GO UPSTAIRS
AND LOCK MYSELF
IN MY ROOM.
I'M NEVER COMING OUT.
I'LL PROBABLY
STARVE TO DEATH.
GOODBYE.
GOODBYE.
OH, MY. IT MUST BE THE MAN
WHO CALLED LAST NIGHT.
WHAT MAN?
A MAN CALLED UP LAST NIGHT
AND HE SAID SOMETHING
ABOUT HEATHER
AND THE LOMBARDI MURDER.
NOT MURDER, MURDERS.
WHAT?
NOT MURDER. MURDERS.
IT'S PLURAL. WITH AN "S".
MURDER, MURDERS.
NO, YOU SEE, IT'S WITH AN "S",
BECAUSE MORE THAN ONE PERSON
GOT MURDERED.
THERE WERE 5 LOMBARDIS,
8 GOATS, AND 2 CHICKENS.
NO, THERE WERE 5 LOMBARDIS,
8 CHICKENS, AND 2 GOATS.
CATHY, I CAN'T STAND HERE
ARGUING ABOUT GRAMMAR!
MY DAUGHTER NEEDS ME!
YEAH,
BUT WHEN YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT MORE THAN ONE PERSON,
YOU HAVE TO SAY...
I KNOW!
IT'S MURDERS, MURDERS!
CATHY, I'M A MOTHER!
I HAVE A DAUGHTER!
WHO NEEDS ME!
HEATHER!
HEATHER, I KNOW YOU NEED ME.
HEATHER, I WANT TO HELP YOU.
LEAVE ME ALONE!
OH.
DO YOU THINK
SHE KNOWS SOMETHING
ABOUT THE MASS MURDER?
MURDERS.
HERE ARE SOME SCENES
FROM THE NEXT EPISODE
OF MARY HARTMAN, MARY HARTMAN.
"YOU AND YOUR CLIMAX."
HUH? WHAT?
"ORGASM AND YOU."
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WENT IN
FOR SEX BOOKS.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
THESE ARE YOUR BOOKS,
AREN'T THEY?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MY BOOKS?
NO WAY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM,
SOME KIND OF PERVERT?
THEY'RE FROM THE LIBRARY.
THE... YOU MEAN
THEY LET A 12-YEAR-OLD KID
TAKE OUT BOOKS LIKE THIS?
THAT'S AWFUL, CHARLIE.
MARY ISN'T 12 YEARS OLD
ANYMORE, IS SHE?
WHAT?
SHE TOOK THE BOOKS OUT.
THAT'S HER CARD.
UH, TOM,
YOU'VE BEEN ASKING ME
A LOT OF QUESTIONS ABOUT,
YOU KNOW, ME AND LORETTA.
AND
GEORGE KEEPS SAYING
SOMETHING...
SOMETHING'S GOT MARY UNHAPPY
OR SOMETHING.
MARY'S GOT THESE BOOKS OUT.
I'M JUST PUTTING
2 AND 2 TOGETHER.
NOW, YOU KNOW
I NEVER ASK YOU
ANYTHING PERSONAL.
SO LET ME ASK YOU THIS:
ARE YOU AND MARY
HAVING TROUBLE WITH
YOU AND YOUR CLIMAX?