Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman (1976–1977): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript

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MARY HARTMAN! MARY HARTMAN!

IT'S ALL RIGHT.
YOU CAN ALL SIT DOWN.

THIS WILL BE INFORMAL.

INFORMAL.

2 TO 1,
HE HASN'T GOT ANY CLOTHES ON
UNDER THAT ROBE.

HUSH, GEORGE.

I BELIEVE THEY'RE BRINGING UP

RAYMOND LARKIN NOW.

OK, OK,
WHERE'S THE FIRING SQUAD?

OH! THERE THEY ARE.
MY EXECUTIONERS.

ALL RIGHT, COME HERE.
NOW LET'S SEE.



WHAT EXACTLY
ARE THESE CHARGES?

THEY SAID IT MIGHT BE
BETTER TO KEEP ALL THIS
BEHIND CLOSED DOORS.

ISN'T THAT
ONE OF LORETTA'S TUNES?
HMM.

♪ AND WHEN WE GET
BEHIND CLOSED ♪

MR. LARKIN,
ACCORDING TO THIS REPORT

THIS IS THE 2ND TIME
YOU'VE BEEN ARRESTED
THIS WEEK. IS THAT CORRECT?

NO, YOUR HONOR.
IT ISN'T CORRECT?

NO! I'VE NEVER BEEN HERE
BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

YOU MEAN THAT
YOU WEREN'T ARRESTED

AT DORIS STREET ELEMENTARY

ON TUESDAY, I BELIEVE?

I... I... I NEVER SAW THE WOMAN.

UH, MR. LARKIN,
HOW OLD ARE YOU?

I'M 83 YEARS YOUNG.



THAT'S WHAT THEY
ALWAYS SAY ON TELEVISION

SO WE WON'T FEEL
LIKE SUCH OLD COOTS.

CAN YOU TELL ME
WHY YOU CAME HERE
CLAD ONLY IN A RAINCOAT?

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

UH, ACTUALLY,
UH, YOUR HONOR,

WE HAVE, UM,
BROUGHT WITH US

A... A PAIR OF, UM, TROUSERS

FOR... FOR... FOR THE DEFENDANT.

NOT THAT HE'D EVER WEAR THEM,
YOUR HONOR.

OH, THAT'S HIS STORY.

UH, HE JUST WANTS TO SEE ME
PUT AWAY.

UH, MR. LARKIN,

CAN YOU TELL ME
ANYTHING AT ALL

ABOUT THE NURSES' LUAU
THAT YOU ATTENDED TONIGHT?

I'VE NEVER BEEN IN HAWAII.

UH, YOU...
NO ONE CAN PROVE I HAVE.

I'M TALKING ABOUT THE LUAU
AT, UH, FERNWOOD RECEIVING.

I NEVER HEARD OF IT.

IT SEEMS THE DEFENDANT
IS HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE

RECALLING THE EVENTS
WHICH LED UP TO HIS ARREST.

I'M BEING FRAMED.

SINCE THE ANTI-SOCIAL PATTERN
OF HIS BEHAVIOR

SEEMS FAIRLY CONSISTENT,

IT IS THE RECOMMENDATION
OF THIS COURT

THAT HE BE RELEASED INTO
THE CUSTODY OF HIS FAMILY.

WHICH FAMILY?

I GOT SOME FAMILY
THAT'D BE MORE FRIENDLY

IF THEY WERE STRANGERS.

I ALMOST AGREE WITH YOU.

THAT'S NOT TRUE, GRANDPA.

WE ARE A FAMILY.
THIS IS...

WITH, WITH THE...
MAY I CONTINUE?

WITH THE INSTRUCTION
THAT THE DEFENDANT
IS TO SEEK THE COUNSEL

OF A COURT-APPOINTED
PSYCHIATRIC SOCIAL WORKER.

HE'S GETTING OFF.
WHEN THESE
COUNSELING SESSIONS

HAVE REFRESHED HIS MEMORY

ABOUT THE EVENTS
WHICH LED TO HIS ARREST,

THEN THE COURT
WILL HEAR THIS CASE AGAIN.

HE'S NOT GETTING OFF.

YOUR HONOR,
I CAN'T ACCEPT THAT SENTENCE.

IT ISN'T A SENTENCE,
IT'S A RECOMMENDATION.

YOUR HONOR, IF I...
IF I COULD SAY SOMETHING?

BUT COULD YOU SAY IT QUIETLY?
THIS IS A COURT,
UM, UM,

AND MY PATIENCE IS VERY THIN.
YOU'RE STANDING.

YOUR HONOR,
I'LL BE VERY, VERY QUIET.
I'LL SAY IT VERY QUIETLY.

NOW, IF IT PLEASES THE COURT,
MY... MY WIFE AND I

WOULD LIKE TO ASSUME
FULL RESPONSIBILITY

FOR GRANDPA LARKIN AND...

I... I... I SECOND THAT
NOMINATION, YOUR HONOR. I...

WE'LL TAKE HIM HOME WITH US.

EXCEPT,
THEIR COUCH IS KIND OF LUMPY.

NOW, MR. LARKIN.

STILL, I SUPPOSE

IT'S BETTER THAN ANYTHING
SHUMWAY HAS TO OFFER.

ALL RIGHT. SO PROVIDED.
AND YOU REMEMBER,

ANY MORE
OF THESE PUBLIC INDECENCIES,

AND THESE PROVISIONS
WILL BE RESCINDED.

DISMISSED.

OH.

MARY. MARY?

I HAVEN'T UNDERSTOOD ONE WORD
OF WHAT'S BEEN SAID.

IT'S OK, MA.

WE'RE ALL GOING
TO THE HOUSE OF PANCAKES.

THERE MUST HAVE BEEN
A POWER FAILURE.

NO, GRANDPA.
I JUST HAVEN'T TURNED ON

THE SWITCH YET.

BOY, OH, BOY, OH, BOY.
AM I REALLY BEAT.

WHERE DO I SLEEP?

GRANDPA,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SLEEP
ON OUR LUMPY COUCH, OK?

OK.

SHH!

LET'S BE VERY, VERY CAREFUL

NOT TO WAKE HEATHER.

LET'S WAKE HER UP.
I'D LIKE TO SEE HER.

- SHE'S NOT HERE.
- WHAT?

SHE IS HERE.

I MEAN, SHE'S HERE,
BUT SHE'S ASLEEP.

SHE NEEDS HER SLEEP, GRANDPA,
AND SO DO YOU.

TOM,
DO YOU HAVE A PAIR OF PAJAMAS
FOR GRANDPA?

OH, NO NEED.
I CAN SLEEP IN MY RAINCOAT.

OH, NO, GRANDPA.
I DON'T THINK THAT WOULD BE
SUCH A GREAT IDEA.

WHY NOT?

NO REASON I CAN THINK OF.

WELL,
LEMME GET THE STUFF, OK?

OH, TOM.

I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU

HOW SWEET I THINK IT IS

THAT YOU SUGGESTED THAT
WE BRING GRANDPA...

HONEY, NOT... NOT HERE
IN FRONT OF GRANDPA.

WHAT? WHERE ARE
THE CONTROLS ON THIS RADIO?

OH, GRANDPA,
UH, THAT'S THE TOASTER.

OH. THIS MUST BE
THE OLD-FASHIONED KIND
THAT YOU CAN'T TURN UP.

NO, THAT'S
THE ELECTRIC CAN OPENER.

YOU MUST BE EXHAUSTED.

NO, NOT ME.
I DON'T GET TIRED TILL
I'VE HAD MY EXERCISE.

MARTHA'S ALWAYS TRYIN' TO
PUMP ME FULL OF WARM MILK,

BUT I LIKE A NICE BRISK STROLL

TO GET MY BLOOD CIRCULATING.

I'M SO SORRY FOR MARTHA.

WHY? SHE DOESN'T HAVE TROUBLE
WITH HER CIRCULATION.

SHE TAKES AN IRON SUPPLEMENT.

OH, ALL THAT BICKERING
WITH WHAT'S-HIS-NAME.

PROBABLY IS MY FAULT.

I JUST HOPE I DON'T
HAVE THE SAME EFFECT
ON YOU AND TOM.

OH, DON'T BE SILLY.

NOTHING HAS AN EFFECT
ON TOM AND ME.

I MEAN, WE'RE REALLY GLAD
TO HAVE YOU.

I'LL BET. YOU KNOW,

I'M GETTING TO THE POINT WHERE
I'M NOT SO MUCH A PERSON,

I'M MORE A VOLLEYBALL
OR SOMETHING.

THE OBJECT IS
TO GET ME OUT OF YOUR COURT

INTO SOMEBODY ELSE'S
AS QUICK AS YOU CAN.

MMM-MMM. THAT'S NOT TRUE.

I WONDER WHAT WE'RE GONNA
TELL HEATHER IN THE MORNING.

THEY'RE PAINTING YOUR ROOM.

THEY ARE?
NO.

BUT THAT'S WHAT
WE'LL TELL HEATHER.

ONE COAT WASHABLE LATEX.

IF THEY'RE PAINTING,

THEY'RE PROBABLY PLANNING
ON RENTING.

GRANDPA, DON'T TALK THAT WAY!

YOU'RE GONNA SEE THINGS
VERY DIFFERENTLY
IN THE MORNING.

I WOULDN'T BET ON IT.

I... I WON'T BE ANY YOUNGER.

HERE, I GOT THE STUFF.

HERE'S P.J.s,
OH.

I GOT A... WHAT IS THIS,
A BEDSPREAD, A PILLOW...
YEAH.

I APPRECIATE
YOUR THOUGHTFULNESS.

YEAH, SO DO I.

I DO.
HONEY, I'M... I'M FALLING OFF
MY FEET, I REALLY AM.

I KNOW. I MEAN,
IF YOU WAIT A MINUTE,

WE COULD GO UPSTAIRS
AND WE COULD FALL OFF
YOUR FEET TOGETHER.

I'LL BE ASLEEP
BEFORE YOU GET THERE.

I COULD RUSH.

"SECOND ARREST IN
SO MANY DAYS.

"ALTHOUGH LARKIN STEADFASTLY
MAINTAINS HIS INNOCENCE.

THE ALLEGED
FERNWOOD FLASHER..."

WHY DO THEY KEEP SAYING THAT?

JUST ACT NATURAL.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I'M ACTING NATURAL.

I JUST DON'T WANT HEATHER
TO BE EXPOSED TO EXPOSURE.

HOW COME GRANDPA'S HERE?

HEATHER, DEAR.

CAN'T YOU SAY "GOOD MORNING"?

GOOD MORNING. AND HOW COME
GRANDPA'S HERE?

HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU JUST
SIT AND EAT YOUR BREAKFAST,
OK?

YES. HERE, DEAR.
HAVE SOME CEREAL.

IT'S ENDORSED
BY BILLY JEAN KING.

THE REASON I'M HERE

IS BECAUSE GEORGE AND MARTHA
ARE PAINTING MY ROOM.

WHAT COLOR ARE THEY
PAINTIN' IT, MARY?

THEY DON'T PAINT ROOMS
AT NIGHT.

SEE? SHE'S NOT
AS DUMB AS YOU THOUGHT.

WELL,
NOW THAT YOU'VE FINISHED
YOUR BREAKFAST, DEAR...

MARY, I READ THE MORNIN' PAPER
THIS MORNIN'

AND I WAS SHOCKED!

I MEAN, YOUR VERY OWN
GRANDPA LARKIN...

OH.

HI.

WELL, LISTEN,
I... I DO HAVE TO BE GETTING,

YOU KNOW, HOME.
I-I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

BYE.

WELL, DEAR.
IT'S TIME FOR SCHOOL.

TIME FOR SCHOOL,
ISN'T IT?

NOW KISS YOUR DADDY GOODBYE.

KISS YOUR DADDY GOODBYE.
BYE-BYE.

NOW LET'S GO GET
YOUR LUNCH BOX,
LET'S GET YOUR BOOKS,

AND LET'S GO.

OUT OF THE DOOR
AND GOODNIGHT, SWEETHEART.

WELL,

WOULD ANYBODY LIKE
ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE?

OH, THERE'S MY DOOR.

MAYBE IT'S PROBABLY HEATHER,
SHE PROBABLY FORGOT HER NAME.

I MEAN, HER LUNCH, YOU KNOW.

HI, DAD.
MARY.

OH, UM,

HEATHER RAN RIGHT INTO ME.

MORNING, TOM.
MORNING, GEORGE.

GRANDPA.

UH,

I'M SORRY IF I'M INTERRUPTING
ANYTHING, BUT, UH,

I JUST WANTED TO
MAKE A LITTLE SPEECH.

WOULD YOU LIKE A CUP OF
COFFEE? I'M USING A NEW BRAND.
NO...

OH, THANKS.
YEAH.

UH, AS I WAS... AS I...
AS I WAS SAYING, UH,

UH, LAST NIGHT,

MARTHA AND I WERE
KNOCKIN' AROUND IN BED,

YOU KNOW, TALKING,

AND SHE IN HER QUAINT WAY
SUGGESTED I COME BY

AND APOLOGIZE
TO BOTH OF YOU
FOR THE INCONVENIENCE

AND ALSO TO, UH,

APOLOGIZE TO GRANDPA LARKIN

FOR BEING SO BULL-HEADED
LAST NIGHT
ABOUT THAT LUAU THING.

DON'T TALK AT ME,
TALK TO ME. I'M 83, NOT DEAF.

WELL,
WHAT I WANTED TO SAY WAS...

WHAT?

WHAT I WANTED TO SAY WAS,

WE'D LIKE TO HAVE YOU
COME BACK TO THE HOUSE.

AH, SO YOU CAN SHOOT ME OFF
TO SOME OLD FOLKS' HOME.

NO, NO, PA.
I WOULDN'T DO THAT. HONEST.

BESIDES,
MARTHA WOULDN'T ALLOW ME.

NO, NO, WE'RE... WE'RE...
WE'RE... WE'RE ALL ON YOUR SIDE.

GRANDPA,

WHY DON'T YOU TRY
TO SEE DAD'S SIDE?

I MEAN, AFTER ALL,
HE DID COME OVER HERE

TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU.

I MEAN,
IT'S WORTH A TRY, GRANDPA.

MAYBE THAT
PSYCHOLOGICAL SOCIAL WORKER
WILL DO YOU SOME GOOD.

YOU THINK I'M CRAZY,
DON'T YOU?

WELL...
NO, GRANDPA, GRANDPA,
HE'S... HE'S...

GEORGE IS JUST TRYIN'
TO LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE,
THAT'S ALL.

WELL,

I'LL GO.

BUT IN MY OPINION,
YOU OUGHT TO SEE THE...
THAT PSYCHIATRIST.

DIDN'T I HAVE
A RAINCOAT WHEN I CAME IN?

A RAINCOAT?

NO.

YOU... YOU DIDN'T HAVE
A RAINCOAT.

I COULD HAVE SWORN.

WELL,

IN THAT CASE,

I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER, MARY.

OK, BYE, GRANDPA.

THANK YOU, MARY.

TOM,

I'LL SEE YOU AT THE PLANT.
OK.

OH, MY GOD.

CATCH HIM, GEORGE!
CATCH HIM!

GRANDPA!

OH, BROTHER.

HEY.

YEAH?

WHAT DO YOU SAY WE DO
SOMETHING SPECIAL TONIGHT
AFTER ALL THIS HASSLE, HUH?

LIKE WHAT?

OH, I DON'T KNOW, JUST

DO SOMETHIN' REAL SPECIAL,
JUST THE 2 OF US.

YEAH?
YEAH.

WHAT?
LIKE MAYBE, UH,

CATCH LORETTA'S LAST WEEKEND
AT THE BOWLIN' ALLEY.
WHAT DO YOU SAY? HUH?

LORETTA?

YEAH.

YOU KNOW,
MAKE SURE THAT, UH,

SHE GETS OFF WITH A BIG BANG,
BEFORE SHE HAS TO CUT THAT

DEMONSTRATION RECORD
NEXT WEEK.

THAT'S YOUR IDEA
OF DOING SOMETHING SPECIAL?

HOW'S THAT?

OH, NOTHING, I JUST...

JUST WHEN YOU SAID...
YOU SAID SPECIAL, AND...

LORETTA AND CHARLIE
ARE OUR BEST FRIENDS,
AREN'T THEY?

IT'S SURE AS HECK MORE THAN
JUST SITTING AROUND HOME.

I WASN'T THINKING OF SITTING.

THINK I BETTER GET GOING,
HUH?

HEY, TOM?
YEAH.

YOU WANNA DO IT?

WHAT?

YOU WANNA DO IT?

DO WHAT?

IT.

IT?

YEAH.
NOW?

YEAH.

WHERE?

HERE?

HERE?

YEAH.

MARY, CAN'T I JUST LEAVE
FOR WORK ONE MORNING
WITHOUT BEING HASSLED, HUH?

THIS ISN'T A HASSLE.
THIS IS FUN.

IT IS FUN

UNTIL IT GETS TO BE A HASSLE.

YOU GET MY POINT?

I'M NOT SURE.

TOM.

WHY IS IT THAT

IN SPITE OF WHAT

YOU'RE NOT SAYING,

I ALWAYS GET THE FEELING
THAT YOU'RE SAYING SOMETHING?

LOOK, YOU HAVE A GOOD DAY,
OK?

THEN I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT.

MAYBE I HAVE
A CELLULITE PROBLEM.

NO.

IT'S HIS PROBLEM.
IT'S DEFINITELY HIS PROBLEM.

IN FACT,
THIS IS SO MUCH HIS PROBLEM,

THAT IT'S NOT EVEN
ANY OF MY BUSINESS.

NO. IT IS MY BUSINESS.

THIS IS
DEFINITELY MY BUSINESS.

THIS IS SO MUCH MY BUSINESS

THAT IT'S NOT EVEN
HIS PROBLEM.

3 OF THE HOSTAGES AT THE BANK
WERE KILLED,

MAYBE I'LL WAX MY FLOOR,
AGAIN.
THE POLICE DENY MISMANAGEMENT.

♪♪ AT CHURCH ON SUNDAY ♪

♪ WELL, I NEVER
SEE YOU THERE ♪

♪ YOU'RE NOT
LOOKING FOR TRUE LOVE ♪

♪ JUST A CHEAP AFFAIR ♪

♪ HAIR ♪

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

IF ONE MORE GUY
PINCHES MY TUTU, I QUIT.

AND RIGHT NOW, I'D LIKE TO
THANK MY SPECIAL GUY,

WITHOUT WHOSE LOVE
AND ENCOURAGEMENT, WELL,

I JUST WOULDN'T
BE UP HERE TONIGHT.

MY LOVING HUSBAND,
MR. CHARLIE HAGGER.

STAND UP, CHARLIE.
TAKE A BOW.

WHICH IS THE PERFECT LEAD-IN

FOR MY LAST NUMBER OF
THE FIRST SHOW HERE TONIGHT.

IT'S A SONG RECORDED
BY THE VERY WONDERFUL
KITTY WELLS,

AND, WELL, I REMEMBER
SAYIN' THESE EXACT WORDS
TO CHARLIE ON OUR FIRST DATE.

IT'S CALLED,
THAT'S A NO NO.

HIT IT, RITCHIE.

♪

♪ WELL, YOU HAD QUITE
A GOOD THING GOIN' ♪

♪ WITH THE GIRLS
YOU'RE USED TO KNOWIN' ♪

♪ YOU WENT UP AND DOWN
YOUR LIST JUST LIKE A YO-YO ♪

♪ WELL, IT MAY BE
HARD TO STOP IT ♪

♪ BUT I'M AFRAID
YOU'LL HAVE TO DROP IT ♪

♪ 'CAUSE IF YOU WANT ME
TO LOVE YOU, THAT'S A NO NO ♪

♪ YOU KNOW A NO NO MEANS
BABY SHOULDN'T TOUCH ♪

♪ IF BABY REALLY
LOVES HIS MAMA SO MUCH ♪

♪ SO IF SOME OLD
FLAME STARTS BURNIN' ♪

♪ OR IF YOU SHOULD
GET THE YEARNIN' ♪

♪ TO GO BACK TO WHERE
THE WOMEN THAT YOU KNOW GO ♪

♪ DON'T COME HOME
EXPECTIN' MAMA'S WAITIN'
HERE IN HER PAJAMAS ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I TOLD YOU MANY TIMES
THAT THAT'S A NO NO ♪

♪ OH, YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW
THAT'S A NO NO ♪

♪ NO NO ♪

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

I'D LIKE... I'D LIKE TO BUY
A ROUND OF DRINKS
FOR THE HOUSE.

COMPLIMENTS OF LORETTA AND ME.

JUST... GOD!
BUT I CAN'T AFFORD...

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
I'D LIKE TO BUY A ROUND
OF DRINKS,

BUT I CAN'T AFFORD IT.
I'M SORRY.

I THOUGHT PEOPLE ONLY DID
THAT IN THE MOVIES.

NO DOUBT, EVERY TIME I HEAR
LORETTA SING,

I FEEL LIKE
I AM IN THE MOVIES.

OH.
SHE SURE WAS GREAT.

EVERYBODY'S
STOMPIN' THEIR FEET.

THAT... THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL
"STAR QUALITY."

YOU GUYS ARE STICKING AROUND
FOR THE SECOND SHOW, RIGHT?

SURE. ARE WE?

WELL, UNLESS YOU THINK
MAYBE WE'D BETTER
BE GETTIN' HOME.

HOME?

WELL, I SUPPOSE...

WELL, IF YOU WANT TO DO THAT.
WELL, I MEAN,

WELL, YOU KNOW,
CHECK ON HEATHER.

COME ON, GUYS. I MEAN,
LORETTA'S SINGING HER...

HER TRIBUTE TO PATSY CLINE.
YOU WOULDN'T WANNA MISS THAT?

OH, NO. TOM'S VERY PARTIAL
TO PATSY CLINE.

WELL, LOOK, I WANNA GO
BUST THE BLUSHING BRIDE
BETWEEN THE SHOWS.

YOU JUST STICK RIGHT HERE.
I'LL BE BACK IN 2 SHAKES.

OK, CHARLIE. YEAH.

WHO'S PATSY CLINE?

I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, YOU... YOU DON'T MIND,
DO YOU? I MEAN, YOU KNOW,

MMM-MMM.
JUST SIT HERE AND HAVE
A COUPLE MORE DRINKS, HUH?

MMM.
YEAH, IT'S RELAXING,
ISN'T IT?

YEAH.
YEAH.

I LIKE BEING HERE WITH YOU.

WHAT DID HE MEAN,
"GO BUST THE BRIDE"?

IT'S A MUSICAL TERM, HONEY.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
NO, WHAT?

I'M HAVIN' A GOOD TIME.
A REAL GOOD TIME.

I'M GLAD. I AM, TOO.
YEAH.

YOU KNOW IT'S JUST LIKE, UM...

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY.

IT'S LIKE BEING
BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL.

YEAH!
YEAH.

IT'S JUST LIKE HAVIN'
A FRIDAY NIGHT DATE AGAIN.

YOU'RE SENTIMENTAL.

NAH.

YEAH, YOU ARE.

WELL...

I ALWAYS USED TO TELL
BETTY LOU
THAT YOU WERE A LOVER.

ME?
YEAH.

I WAS A FIGHTER.

NO.

JUST THAT ONCE
IN THE PARKING LOT

AFTER THE SPRING PLAYOFF.

YOU REMEMBER THAT?

YOU REMEMBER THAT?
YEAH, OF COURSE, I REMEMBER.

DID YOU THINK
I WAS SEXY THEN?

HUH?

YEAH.

YOU WERE.

YOU WERE JUST
LIKE JOHNNY CARSON.

YOU WERE JUST ALL BOYISH
AND PROUD OF YOURSELF.

HE'S A COMEDIAN.

HOW ABOUT ROBERT REDFORD?

HUH?

JOHNNY CARSON.

OH, YEAH, SURE.

ROBERT REDFORD
HAS A WIFE NAMED LOLA.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
MY NAME IS LOLA?

NO, NO, I WAS... I WAS JUST
KIDDIN'. IT'S JUST THAT,
YOU KNOW, UH,

YOU MARRY THE GIRL
NEXT DOOR, RIGHT?

I'M NOT NEXT DOOR.

I'M RIGHT THERE IN THE HOUSE.

YEAH, I KNOW,
AND I LOVE YOU FOR THAT.

IT'S JUST THAT WITH

SOMEONE NAMED LOLA...

WHAT?

YEAH, WHAT?

WELL, YOU KNOW.

NO, I DON'T KNOW.

WHA... ARE YOU ASKING ME
TO CHANGE MY NAME TO LOLA?
NO, MARY.

I'M NOT ASKIN' YOU
TO CHANGE YOUR NAME.

IT'S JUST THAT,
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SWEET,

AND MOVIE STARS RUN OFF

IN FANCY ITALIAN SPORTS CARS
WITH SOMEONE NAMED LOLA,
THAT'S ALL.

I'M NOT THAT SWEET.

AND PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND ME,

WE JUST GO TO
DRIVE-IN THEATRES
AND SIT IN BOWLIN' ALLEYS.

I'M AN ANIMAL.

WILL YOU WATCH
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?
WE'RE IN A PUBLIC PLACE, OK?

WE WEREN'T IN
A PUBLIC PLACE THIS MORNING.

WE WERE IN MY KITCHEN.

AND LAST NIGHT,
WE WERE IN THE BEDROOM.

HONEY,
YOU'RE BEATIN' A DEAD HORSE.

I DON'T BELIEVE
YOU SAID THAT.

OH, FOR PETE'S SAKES,
WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, HUH?

I MEAN, WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I MEAN, I THOUGHT WE WERE
HAVIN' SUCH A GOOD TIME.

TOM, THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.

YES, THERE IS.
NO, THERE'S NOT.

THERE IS.

READER'S DIGEST SAYS...

LISTEN.

IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM,

THEY SAY THAT YOU SHOULD

PUT IT OUT
IN FRONT OF YOU,

AND PRETEND THAT IT'S NOT
HAPPENING TO YOU IN THAT WAY,

THAT YOU CAN FIX IT.

SO I THINK THAT NOW THAT
WE HAVE IT IN THE OPEN,
MAYBE WE SHOULD...

WHAT... WHAT ARE
YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

I'M JUST TALKING ABOUT
TRYING TO HELP

MY SWEET, ADORABLE HUSBAND,

WHO,

EXCEPT FOR ONE TINY,
LITTLE PROBLEM,

WHICH I
WOULDN'T EVEN MENTION...

YOU'RE SAYIN' I CAN'T CUT IT.
IS THAT WHAT
YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY?

ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY
I CAN'T CUT IT?
I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

WELL, LET'S GO HOME.
LET'S JUST GO,
WE'LL GO HOME RIGHT NOW,

AND WE'LL JUST SEE WHO
CAN'T CUT IT, ALL RIGHT?
COME ON. LET'S GO.

COME ON.
ARE YOU SURE?

I... I CAN CUT IT, MARY.
I CAN CUT IT.

LOOK, WOULD YOU
MIND BOWLING, PLEASE?

WE CAN'T GO THIS WAY, TOM.
WE CAN'T GO.

IT'S WRONG. IT IS WRONG.

READER'S DIGEST SAYS

THAT ANGER IS A VERY BAD THING
TO... YOU CAN'T...

WHO THE... I'M NOT ANGRY!
WHO'S ANGRY?
BUT YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.

WHO'S ANGRY? I'M NOT ANGRY.
I JUST WANT TO TAKE
MY WIFE HOME

AND SHOW HER WHAT
A REAL FRIDAY NIGHT DATE
CAN BE LIKE.

NOW, WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

AND THIS TIME
WE WON'T HAVE TO DO IT

IN THE BACKSEAT OF A CAR,
HOW'S THAT?

HMM?

HMM?
ARE YOU SURE?

I'M POSITIVE,
I'M ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE, OK?

HUH?

OK? COME ON, WE'LL GO.

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

OK.
COME ON.

COME ON. COME ON.
WE'LL GO, I'LL SHOW YOU.

TOM,
IT JUST DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT.

IT FEELS SO FUNNY, I MEAN,
IT SEEMS SO PLANNED.

OK, OK, LET'S SIT DOWN.
AND, WE'LL... WE'LL JUST
TALK ABOUT IT.

OK?

LOOK, WHEN IT COMES TO THINGS
LIKE THIS, I'M A VERY
FLEXIBLE GUY, YOU SEE?

OK?
YEAH.

SO WHAT...
WHAT DO YOU THINK, HUH?

UM...

HMM?

OK.
OK?

YEAH.
OK.

NOW YOU'RE GONNA SEE
WHO'S AN ANIMAL, OK?

YEAH.
HUH?

I'LL GET THE CAR.
OK.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

I THINK
HE'S GETTING ROMANTIC.

HE DIDN'T LOOK ROMANTIC.

CATHY,

WHEN YOU HAVE
A POSITIVE ATTITUDE,

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

GOOD LUCK.

OK.

THANKS.

MISS HARTMAN.

OH, SGT. FOLEY.

WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE?

OH, I'M OFF DUTY,

I SPOTTED YOU
AND I THOUGHT I'D SAY HELLO.

HELLO.

AND ALSO,

TO TELL YOU THAT, UH,

AT THE FERNWOOD
POLICE DEPARTMENT,

THERE'S A NOTICE
ON THE CALL BOARD.

WE'D LIKE TO SEE
YOUR DAUGHTER, HEATHER,
ABOUT THE LOMBARDI MURDERS.