Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman (1976–1977): Season 1, Episode 11 - Episode #1.11 - full transcript

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MARY HARTMAN! MARY HARTMAN!

COME ON. COME ON.

I'M GOING TO
STRAIGHTEN THIS THING OUT.

GO ON, TELL HIM.

WELL, HAVE YOU HAD ANY NEWS
ABOUT MY DAUGHTER YET?

I'M AFRAID NOT, MRS. HARTMAN.
BEAUTIFUL.

I AM WORRIED SICK.

I MEAN, I JUST DIDN'T SLEEP
ALL NIGHT.

UH, I JUST KEPT THINKING
ABOUT HEATHER ALL NIGHT.

I JUST KEPT WONDERING
IF SHE WAS ASLEEP.

IT IS SO IMPORTANT THAT
SHE GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?



OF COURSE.
DID YOU HEAR THAT?

MY GRANDDAUGHTER
HAS BEEN MISSING FOR 24 HOURS

AND THE POLICE HAVEN'T
LI-LIFTED A DIDDLY FINGER.

UH, WE PUT OUT AN ALL POINTS
BULLETIN, MR. SHUMWAY.
A WHAT?

AN A.P.B.

LISTEN, I AM A TAXPAYER,

AND I THINK I'M ENTITLED
TO MORE THAN AN A.P.B.

WHEN MY DAUGHTER'S
WHOLE FAMILY IS MISSING.

HER WHOLE FAMILY?
YEAH.

YEAH.
MY HUSBAND IS MISSING, TOO.

WHAT?

YEAH, WELL, I MEAN,
HE'S NOT MISSING REALLY.

HE JUST DIDN'T COME HOME
LAST NIGHT.

BUT, YOU KNOW,
WE'VE BEEN MARRIED
FOR 14 YEARS,



SO, UH, 14 YEARS, ONE NIGHT,
YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T COMPLAIN.

Y-YOU KNOW, I JUST...
IN FACT, YOU KNOW,

SEE, GEORGE MURDOCK
HAS THIS HAMMOCK

AND TOM HAS BEEN KNOWN
TO GO OVER THERE AND TAKE NAPS

AND I JUST WONDERED
IF MAYBE...
UH, NO. NO, MARY,

I THINK YOU'RE DRIFTING.
LISTEN, HER... HER... HER HUSBAND
IS MISSING.

NOW WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

WHY DON'T YOU
JUST FILL OUT THIS

MISSING PERSONS AND I'LL
REPORT IT IMMEDIATELY.
WHAT'S THIS?

ANOTHER ALL POINTS BULLETIN.
IS THAT WHAT I PAY TAXES FOR?

SO YOU CAN MAKE
ALL POINTS BULLETINS?

THAT IS ONE OF THE THINGS.

DO YOU REALIZE
THAT THERE HAS BEEN
A MASS MURDER?

MY GRANDDAUGHTER
SAW THE MURDERER.

AND HE'S PROBABLY
CAPTURED HER.

NOW, MY SON-IN-LAW IS MISSING.

I'M GOING TO GET
A DRINK OF WATER.
WHATEVER YOU WANT, SWEETHEART.

HE'S PROBABLY
SNATCHED HIM, TOO.

MY WHOLE FAMILY'S BEEN HIT
BY A CRIME WAVE.

- MRS. HARTMAN?
- YEAH?

WHEN DID YOU
LAST SEE YOUR HUSBAND?

WELL, IT WAS YESTERDAY MORNING
BEFORE HE LEFT FOR WORK.

AND I WAS WORRIED THEN.

WHY?

WELL, HE DIDN'T
EAT HIS BREAKFAST.

BUT IT WASN'T JUST THAT.

IT WAS HIS WHOLE ATTITUDE
TOWARD HIS CEREAL.

WHAT SEEMED TO WORRY HIM?

IT WAS KIND OF PERSONAL.

WELL, IT MAY BE IMPORTANT.

IT MAY BE A CLUE.

IT MAY GIVE US SOME HELP.

TO DO WHAT?

PUT OUT ANOTHER A.P.B.?

JUST FILL OUT
THE OTHER SIDE, PLEASE.

NOW, WHAT DID YOUR HUSBAND
SEEM WORRIED ABOUT?

YOU KNOW, I FEEL A SONG
FORMIN' IN MY HEAD.

OH, IT IS SO STRANGE
HOW THE MIND WORKS
DURING A CRISIS.

NOW LISTEN TO HOW THIS SOUNDS
SO FAR.

♪ MY DAUGHTER IS MISSING.
MY HUSBAND IS, TOO ♪

♪ OH, LORD. OH, LORD.
WHAT AM I TO DO? ♪

LORETTA, THIS IS NO TIME
TO SING A SONG.

COUNTRY AND WESTERN MUSIC
IS NOT JUST
FOR THE HAPPY TIMES.

YOU KNOW,
ONE OF THE BEST SONGS
I EVER WROTE

WAS ABOUT A KIDNEY TRANSPLANT.
THIS GIRL...

SAINTS, WILL YOU PRESERVE ME?

SEE, SHE GOT A KIDNEY
FROM HER LOVER

AND THAT'S WHY I CALL THE SONG
I'VE GOT PART OF YOU
UNDER MY SKIN.

THIS IS GREAT.
THIS IS JUST GREAT.

THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT.
COME ON. COME ON, MARY.

WE'RE GETTIN' OUT OF
THIS LOONEY BIN ALL POINTS.

COME ON. OUT. OUT.

DO YOU THINK
THAT IT'S POSSIBLE

THAT THE MASS MURDERER
KIDNAPPED HEATHER AND TOM?

I CERTAINLY HOPE NOT,
MRS. HARTMAN.

I'LL LET YOU KNOW
IF THERE ARE ANY DEVELOPMENTS.
I'LL CALL YOU.

OH, GOOD, BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW
HOW I'M GOING TO
GET THROUGH THE DAY,

YOU KNOW,
IF I DON'T GET SOME NEWS.

MARY HARTMAN! MARY HARTMAN!

I'M COMING.

UH, LISTEN, IF YOU CALL
AND I DON'T ANSWER,

HOLD ON TO THAT PHONE, OK?

I MAY BE OUT IN THE BACK.
I MAY BE
DOING THE LAUNDRY, OK?

ALL RIGHT.

YOU SEE, MY DRYER BROKE AND
I DON'T HAVE THE GUARANTEE,

AND THE STORE
WON'T DO THE REPAIR
WITHOUT THE GUARANTEE.

NOW IT'S SOMETHING
THAT TOM WOULD USUALLY FIX.

HE'S VERY GOOD
AT THOSE THINGS.

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I WOULD DO WITHOUT HIM.

BUT, SINCE HE ISN'T HERE
RIGHT NOW, I MEAN, I MAY
JUST HAVE TO WAIT...

M-MARY, MARY, MARY.

PLEASE, PLEASE.
I... I... I GOT TO GO TO WORK.
OH, OK.

WAIT OUTSIDE, DEAR.
NOW, LISTEN TO ME.

NOW, LISTEN GOOD,
LITTLE BOY BLUE,

THERE ARE MANY REASONS
WHY A MAN DOESN'T
COME HOME AT NIGHT.

AND THAT BETTER
NOT BE THE REASON

WHY MY SON-IN-LAW
DIDN'T COME HOME.

BECAUSE IF HE KNOWS
WHAT'S GOOD FOR HIM,

HE'LL BE A LOT BETTER OFF

IF HE ACTUALLY WAS CAPTURED
BY THAT MASS MURDERER.

YEAH.

I HOPE SO, TOO.

HOW DO YOU FEEL? HMM?

HMM.

WONDERFUL.

HONEST?

REALLY?

HUH?

I HAD A WONDERFUL TIME
LAST NIGHT.

YOU HAD 2 WONDERFUL TIMES
LAST NIGHT. 2.

THAT'S RIGHT.

AND 3 IF YOU COUNTED
THE SHOWER.

I SURE DO.

HEY, MAE,

LISTEN, YOU'VE BEEN
MARRIED, RIGHT?

RIGHT. TWICE.

AND YOU'VE KNOWN
A FEW GUYS AND I...

WELL, I WAS JUST WONDERIN',
YOU KNOW...
YEAH, I KNOW A LOT OF GUYS.

WELL, I COME
FROM A BIG FAMILY, YOU KNOW,

I MEAN, AND I HAD 19 COUSINS
AND 17 OF WHO ARE BOYS

AND SOME WHO ARE
2ND AND 3RD COUSINS.

WHAT ARE YOU DRIVING AT?

WELL...

YOU WANT TO KNOW
HOW YOU STACK UP, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

A-NUMBER ONE. THE BEST.

I LOVE IT. I LOVE IT.

ALL MY HUSBANDS
AND ALL OF MY LOVERS

HAVE BEEN A-NUMBER ONE.
THE BEST. AND YOU'RE THE BEST.

OH.

HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

DID WHAT I SAY BOTHER YOU?

NO, NO, NO, NO.

OH.

YOU WERE SMILING BEFORE
AND NOW YOU'VE GOT
A FALLEN FACE.

TOM,

THE BEST.

I LOVE LYING HERE
THINKING ABOUT HOW HAPPY I AM.

AND I AM HAPPY,
AREN'T YOU GLAD?

YEAH, SURE.

YOU SURE?
MMM-HMM.

YOU'RE NOT THINKING
ABOUT MARY, ARE YOU?

WELL...

YOU FEELING GUILTY?

WELL, MAYBE I REALLY
SHOULD BE, HUH?

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING
ABOUT GUILT.

IT'S LIKE CRIME.
IT DOESN'T PAY.

HMM.

I THINK WE NEED SOME MUSIC.

MUSIC?

THOUGH OVER 100,000 PEOPLE

HAVE STARVED TO DEATH
IN ETHIOPIA,

THE GOVERNMENT FEELS FAMINE
IS TOO STRONG A WORD.

IN THE LOCAL NEWS,

POLICE REPORT
THE MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE

OF A FERNWOOD GIRL,
HEATHER HARTMAN,

AGE 12, WHO WAS KNOWN
TO HAVE SEEN THE MASS MURDERER

RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DEATHS
OF THE LOMBARDI FAMILY

TOGETHER WITH THEIR 2 GOATS
AND 8 CHICKENS.

WHAT TIME IS IT?

UH, 8:45.

I'D HELP YOU WITH THAT,
BUT MY NAILS ARE WET.

NO, THAT'S OK.
IF YOU KEEP BUSY,
THE TIME GOES FASTER.

AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT THEY SAY.

WHAT TIME IS IT?

8:45.

OH, WELL, I DON'T THINK
THEY'RE RIGHT ABOUT THAT.

OH, THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.
EVERYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED
IS ALL MY FAULT.

MARY, YOU CAN'T
BLAME YOURSELF.

YES, I CAN. IN A FAMILY, IT IS
THE WIFE'S RESPONSIBILITY.

NOW, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?

I READ THAT IN
IT'S A WOMAN'S WORLD.

LISTEN, IF TOM
HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED
BY THE MASS MURDERER,

HOW COULD HE... HOW COULD IT
POSSIBLY BE YOUR FAULT?

MAYBE THAT'S NOT
WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM.
BUT IF IT IS?

WELL, THEN HE SHOULD CALL ME
TO LET ME KNOW.

MARY, IF HE'S BEEN KIDNAPPED,
HOW CAN HE CALL YOU?

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M JUST SO WORRIED
I JUST CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY T.M.
IT'S SUPPOSED TO HELP YOU
THINK STRAIGHT.

WHAT IS THAT? A LAXATIVE?

NO. T.M.
TRANSCENDENTAL MEDITATION.

IS IT OVER THE COUNTER?
WHAT IS IT?

NOT MEDICATION, MEDITATION.

IT'S A WAY
OF SHUTTING OFF YOUR MIND.

WELL, IF YOU
SHUT OFF YOUR MIND,
THEN YOU CAN'T THINK AT ALL.

MARY, I DON'T KNOW.
UH, I JUST HEARD ABOUT IT.
I NEVER TRIED IT.

OH, GOD.
IT'S JUST ALL MY FAULT
THAT TOM IS MISSING.

I MEAN, IF I HADN'T MADE
SUCH A BIG THING ABOUT
OUR NOT MAKING LOVE ANYMORE,

HE WOULD HAVE COME RIGHT HOME
FROM WORK LAST NIGHT

AND NOTHING
WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.

NO KIDNAPPING.
NO ANYTHING ELSE.

AND HEATHER, TOO.
WHAT ABOUT HEATHER?

IT'S MY FAULT SHE RAN AWAY.

NOW... NOW... NOW,
HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT?

WELL, SHE HATES ME,
THAT'S ALL.

I MEAN,
I'M A TERRIBLE MOTHER
AND SHE HATES ME.

I MEAN, SHE LOVES TOM
AND SHE HATES ME.

TOM HATES ME, TOO.
TOM LOVES HER AND HE HATES ME.

THEY BOTH HATE ME.

I LOVE THEM BOTH
AND THEY BOTH HATE ME.

THEY'RE MY WHOLE LIFE
AND THEY HATE ME.

BUT HEATHER, SHE...

IT'S ALL MY FAULT
THAT SHE RAN AWAY.

SHE'S JUST INSECURE.
SHE'S NOT DEVELOPING PROPERLY.

SHE IS, TOO.

SHE'S DEVELOPING
VERY PROPERLY.

SHE JUST HATES ME,
THAT'S ALL.

MAYBE THAT'S HEATHER.

OR TOM WHO HATES ME.

HELLO.
UH, MRS. HARTMAN?

UH, THIS IS SGT. FOLEY.

OH, HELLO, SGT. FOLEY.

UH, MRS. HARTMAN,
UH, I GUESS YOU'RE NOT
HANGING UP THE LAUNDRY?

NO, I'M ALREADY
INTO IRONING IT.

LISTEN, UH, DO YOU KNOW
A LITTLE GIRL NAMED
TRUDY WEATHERSBY?

SURE.
SHE'S HEATHER'S BEST FRIEND.

GOOD. THAT'S WHAT WE FIGURED.

UH, MRS. HARTMAN, I THINK
I HAVE SOME VERY GOOD NEWS
FOR YOU.

TRUDY WEATHERSBY
IS MISSING ALSO.

OH.

GOOD. THAT IS GOOD.

WHY IS THAT GOOD?

WELL, UH, USUALLY
WHEN YOU HAVE 2 KIDS
WHO RUN OFF TOGETHER...

OH, COULD YOU
HOLD ON A MINUTE?

MRS. HARTMAN?

HI. GO AHEAD.

UH, WHEN 2 KIDS
RUN OFF TOGETHER, YOU'VE GOT
A RUNAWAY SITUATION.

SO I-I'M SURE
THERE WASN'T ANY FOUL PLAY.
AND, UH,

I'LL BET
THAT YOUR LITTLE GIRL'S
GONNA SHOW UP SOON

ALL SAFE AND SOUND.

OH, GOOD. THANK YOU.

UM, WHAT ABOUT TOM?

WHO?

UH, MY HUSBAND, TOM.

UH, I DON'T QUITE FOLLOW.

OH, I... I... I CAN EXPLAIN IT
ALL TO YOU

AND I COULD ANSWER
ANY OTHER QUESTIONS
THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE.

IF YOU LIKE, I COULD DROP
BY THE STATION LATER...

OH, NO, I BETTER
NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE

IN CASE TOM AND HEATHER
COME HOME.

THERE'LL BE NOBODY HERE
TO MAKE THEM LUNCH.

YOU SEE... WELL,

WHAT I COULD DO...
YOU SEE, NORMALLY THEY MAKE
THEIR OWN LUNCH,

BUT WHAT I COULD DO THIS TIME
IS I COULD MAKE
SOME TUNA FISH SANDWICH

AND JUST WRAP THEM
IN LITTLE WAX PAPER...

MRS... MRS. HARTMAN? UH,

IF YOU'D LIKE TO STOP DOWN
AT THE STATION,

I'D... I'D REALLY
LIKE TO SEE YOU.

OH, WELL,
I DON'T KNOW IF I, UH,

SHOULD DO THAT,
BUT, UH, IF I SEE,
I'LL LET YOU KNOW, OK?

I THINK SO.

OK, BYE.

SO, WHAT DID HE SAY?

UM, HE SAID THAT
HE'S SURE THAT, UM,

HEATHER AND TOM
ARE BOTH ALL RIGHT.
GOOD.

AND THAT HE THINKS
THAT HEATHER AND TRUDY

JUST RAN OFF FOR A WHILE
AND WENT SOMEWHERE
AND THEY'LL COME BACK SOON.

SURE. KIDS,
THEY DO THAT ALL THE TIME.

I NEVER DID.

I MEAN, KIDS TODAY.

YOU MEAN LIKE IN
CHILD ON THE LOOSE?

WHAT'S THAT?

THAT'S A PICTURE.
IT'S PLAYING AT THE ORPHEUM.

OH, I DIDN'T SEE IT.
OH.

IT'S ABOUT THIS TEENAGE GIRL.

SHE RUNS AWAY FROM HOME.

SHE GETS RAPED
AND SHE GETS BEATEN UP

AND THEN SHE GOES TO WORK
FOR A GROUP OF GANGSTERS

IN THE, UM, DOPE TRAFFIC.

IT'S A LOVE STORY.

LOVE STORY?
YEAH.

IT'S ABOUT, SEE,
SHE MEETS THIS BOY THEN...

MARY, CAN I TELL YOU
ABOUT A REAL LOVE STORY?

SURE.

I'M IN LOVE.

I KNOW.

WHO TOLD YOU?
YOU DID.

YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH LARRY.

OH, NO, THAT WAS LAST WEEK.

AND, ANYWAY,
I WASN'T REALLY IN LOVE.

WELL, YOU SAID YOU WERE.

WELL, I THOUGHT I WAS,

UNTIL I MET STEVE.

AND THEN, THEN I FOUND OUT
WHAT LOVE REALLY IS.

WHO'S STEVE?

THE BOY I'M IN LOVE WITH.

I'VE... I'VE... IT'S... IT'S
THE BEST AFFAIR I'VE EVER HAD.

WE NEVER DO ANYTHING.

YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING?

I MEAN, LIKE WE NEVER GO
TO MA AND PA'S BIDE-A-WEE INN
OR ANYTHING.

- MARY?
- OH.

I JUST HEARD ABOUT IT
ON THE RADIO.
TOM.

OH, MY GOD!

OH, THIS IS TERRIBLE.
WHAT... WHAT ARE THE POLICE
DOING ABOUT IT, HUH?

WELL, THEY SAID THAT
THEY'RE SURE
THAT HEATHER ISN'T, UM,

NOT BEEN, UH, KIDNAPPED
BY THE MASS MURDERER.
YEAH.

AND WHAT THEY THINK HAPPENED
IS THEY THINK THAT HEATHER

AND HER FRIEND TRUDY JUST,
YOU KNOW, LIKE HOPPED UP
ON A BUS SOMEWHERE

AND JUST WENT OFF FOR A WHILE
AND THAT THEY'LL BE BACK SOON.

OH, I HOPE SO.
BOY, YOU MUST BE CRAZY
WITH WORRY ABOUT THIS, HUH?

I'M GOING OUT OF MY MIND.

I WISH THERE WAS
SOMETHING I COULD DO.

HI, CATHY.
HOW ARE YOU?

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

YEAH.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

WHEN? W-WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN
ALL NIGHT?

OH, I... I... I WAS
WITH A FRIEND. I... I, UH...

WHO?

OH, A GUY AT THE PLANT.
WE, UH... WE, UH...

YOU KNOW, WE WENT OVER
TO HIS PLACE AFTER... AFTER WORK

AND WE HAD
A COUPLE OF DRINKS AND I...

BEFORE I KNEW IT
I HAD SO MANY,
I JUST... I... I PASSED OUT.

WELL, YOU SHOULD HAVE CALLED!
THE NEIGHBORS GET VERY WORRIED
WHEN YOU DON'T CALL!

I MADE UP SOME STORY
ABOUT YOU BEING ASLEEP
IN GEORGE MURDOCK'S HAMMOCK

AND THEN I REALIZED
HE DOESN'T HAVE A HAMMOCK.

YOU'RE MAD, RIGHT?

WELL, YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT
TO BE MAD. IT'S JUST THAT...

LOOK, HONEY, RIGHT NOW,

I MEAN, WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT,
ME OR HEATHER, HUH?

HMM?

HEATHER.

YEAH.

YOU'RE NOT MISSING ANYMORE.

YEAH.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

HEATHER'S MORE IMPORTANT.

TOM, I'M SORRY.

OH, IT'S OK. IT'S OK.

I CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT
RIGHT NOW, THOUGH.

YOU KNOW, I GOT TO...
I REALLY GOT TO GO.

I... I JUST CAN'T SIT AROUND
AND WAIT.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND? I GOT TO GO

TRY AND HELP FIND HER,
YOU KNOW.

OK.

I MEAN...

OH. OH, GOD.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

TOM.

YOU FEEL SO THIN.

YOU GOT TO STAND BY HER
IN HER TIME OF NEED.

'CAUSE, I MEAN, AFTER ALL,
YOU'RE MARY'S MOTHER
AND I'M HER BEST FRIEND,

WHICH ISN'T TO SAY
THAT A GIRL'S MOTHER
CAN'T BE HER BEST FRIEND, TOO,

BUT, YOU KNOW,
IT'S LIKE THAT SONG

WHEN DADDY DIED,
HE SHOULD HAVE BURIED ME, TOO.

OF COURSE, NOW,
THAT WAS A SONG ABOUT
A GIRL AND HER FATHER.

OF COURSE, IN OUR CASE,
THIS IS A GIRL, HER MOTHER
AND HER BEST FRIEND.

SHH, SHH, L-LORETTA, PLEASE.
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

YOU'RE TRYING TO TELL ME
THAT I'M MARY'S MOTHER,

BUT I'VE KNOWN THAT
FOR OVER 30 YEARS.

OH, SHE SURE DOESN'T
SHOW HER AGE, THAT MARY.

YOU KNOW, IT MUST BE
THAT COMPLEXION CREAM
SHE USES.

SURE SMOOTHES OUT
THE WORRY WRINKLES.

WELL, IF TOM AND HEATHER
DON'T COME HOME SOON,

COMPLEXION CREAM
OR NO COMPLEXION CREAM,

SHE'S GOING TO BE WRINKLED UP
LIKE AN ACCORDION.

I JUST HEARD ABOUT IT
ON THE NEWS.

OH, MARTHA, MARTHA.

LORETTA.

UH, WHAT DID... UH, WHAT DID
YOU HEAR ABOUT, BLANCHE?

OH, HEATHER HARTMAN
RUNNING AWAY FROM HOME.

POOR MARY.
THAT'S JUST TERRIBLE.

I KNOW HOW YOU ALL FEEL,
AND I HATE TO SAY
I TOLD YOU SO.

WELL, YOU'RE GOING TO
SAY IT ANYWAY, I GUESS.

YOU'RE GONNA SAY
I TOLD YOU SO
ABOUT WHAT, BLANCHE?

PERMISSIVENESS.

IT IS UNDERMINING
THIS COUNTRY.
IT IS CORRUPTING OUR YOUTH.

OH, MARTHA, YOU OUGHT
TO BE HORSE WHIPPED.

NOW, BLANCHE, I JUST SCRUBBED
THAT STOVE YESTERDAY.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO
DRUM THAT INTO YOU PEOPLE

FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER,
BUT YOU DON'T LISTEN TO ME.

WELL, NOW THAT
IT'S STRUCK CLOSE TO HOME,
MAYBE NOW YOU'LL BELIEVE ME.

AREN'T YOU SORRY
YOU DIDN'T HELP ME

WHEN I WAS TRYING
TO ORGANIZE S.M.U.T.?

BUT, BLANCHE,
YOU ORGANIZE SO MANY THINGS,
I CAN'T KEEP TRACK OF THEM.

NOW, UM,
WHICH ONE WAS S.M.U.T.?

S-M-U-T.
SOCIETY OF MOTHERS UPSET
WITH TRASH.

WE COULD HAVE CLOSED
EVERY ADULT BOOKSTORE

AND DIRTY MOVIE IN THIS TOWN.

HEATHER DOESN'T GO
TO DIRTY MOVIES.

I KNOW, 'CAUSE I KNOW I DON'T

AND SHE REMINDS ME
A LITTLE BIT OF ME.

I AM TALKING
ABOUT AN ATMOSPHERE.

A PERMISSIVE ATMOSPHERE

WITH T.V. SHOWING
ALL OF THOSE FILTHY PROGRAMS

AND I KNOW HEATHER
WATCHES TELEVISION.
ALL THE KIDS DO IT.

BUT WHAT STATION
SHOWS PORNOGRAPHIC MOVIES?

ALL OF THEM.

THE WALTONS ISN'T DIRTY.

WHAT ABOUT CHER?

SHE LOOKS CLEAN TO ME.

THAT NAVEL?

THAT NAKED NAVEL?

CAN YOU IMAGINE THE IDEAS
THAT PUTS INTO PEOPLE'S HEADS?

WE OUGHT TO PICKET
THE TELEVISION STATIONS.

WHY, TELEVISION IS
GETTING CLEANER EVERY YEAR.

NOW WITH THIS FAMILY HOUR
BUSINESS AND ALL.

TELEVISION ISN'T
GETTING CLEANER.
IT'S GETTING FILTHIER.

NOTHING'S SACRED ANYMORE.
NOTHING.

BLANCHE, NOW WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

MARY TYLER MOORE
ISN'T A VIRGIN.

HUH?

WHERE'S THE PEANUT BUTTER?

PA, YOU JUST HAD BREAKFAST.

WHO EATS PEANUT BUTTER
BEFORE BREAKFAST?
IT SOUNDS DISGUSTING.

OH.

COME IN. OH!

HELLO, IS...
OH, THERE HE IS.

HELLO THERE.
DO YOU REMEMBER ME?

I'M FANNY CROOKSHANK.

OH, YEAH.
UH, HOW ARE YOU?

HEY, YOU WANT
A PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH?

OH, SURE, WHY NOT.

PROBABLY WON'T LIVE
LONG ENOUGH TO SEE IT
TURN INTO FAT.

UH, MIGHT AS WELL
LIVE IT UP A LITTLE.

UH, I'M MRS. SHUMWAY.
HI.

UH, I'M HIS DAUGHTER.

HI. HOW YOU DOING?
FINE. FINE.

YOU KNOW,
I RAN INTO YOUR OLD MAN
IN THE PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE.

I FOUND HIS ADDRESS
AND I TRACKED HIM DOWN.

OH, HE'S SO CUTE.

OH, DO YOU THINK
I'M BEING TOO FORWARD?

NO. NO. NOT AT ALL.

YOU KNOW, IF I HAD WAITED
FOR HIM TO FIND MY ADDRESS

AND TO COME TO MY HOUSE,

WELL, I'D PROBABLY BE
COMING IN ON A FUNERAL

AND NEITHER ONE OF US
WOULD ENJOY THAT.

UH, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO GO TO A MATINEE
AND SEE DEEP THROAT?

OH, I CAN'T.
WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE
OF A FAMILY CRISIS.

OH, WELL, THAT'S WHEN
YOU SHOULD GO OUT
AND HAVE A GOOD TIME.

AND MAYBE WHEN YOU COME BACK,
WELL, ALL YOUR TROUBLES
WILL BE OVER.

I MEAN, WHY BE DREARY
WHEN YOU CAN BE CHEERY.

WELL, Y-Y-YOU GOT
A POINT THERE.

YOU KNOW,
I SHOULD BE HOME RIGHT NOW
WAXING THE FLOORS.

I... I LIVE WITH MY SISTER
AND HER HUSBAND.

YOU KNOW,
TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,

THEY'RE DREARY.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I...
IT WAS SUCH A NICE DAY

THAT I JUST DECIDED
TO GO OUT AND TRY TO
FIND MYSELF AN ADVENTURE.

THE MINUTE I SPOTTED HIM,

IT WAS PLAIN AND SIMPLE.

I'VE GOT ROMANCE ON MY MIND.

JUST WHAT ARE YOU
TRYING TO TELL ME, TOM?

IT WAS JUST
ONE OF THOSE THINGS.

DON'T TRY TO SING YOURSELF
OUT OF THIS ONE.

YOU SCARED MARY HALF TO DEATH.

JUST ONE OF THEM THINGS.

NOW, I MEAN IT. I WANT TO KNOW
WHERE YOU WERE LAST NIGHT.

WELL, AS I...

TOM.

OH. WHEN YOU HAVE A MOMENT,

CAN I TALK TO YOU?

OH, SURE. SURE.

ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, I'LL BE WITH YOU
IN A MINUTE, OK, MAE? OK?

AH.

JUST WHAT DOES SHE WANT
TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT?

I ASKED HER TO CHECK
ON MY OVERTIME, OK?

OK?

I HOPE I'M NOT THINKING
WHAT I THINK I'M THINKING.

NOW HERE ARE SOME SCENES
FROM THE NEXT EPISODES

OF MARY HARTMAN, MARY HARTMAN.

HOW DUMB DO YOU THINK I AM?

YOU AND MAE
ARE PLAYIN' AROUND.

YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR GOURD, MAN.

WHY?

WELL, YOU WANT MARY
TO FIND OUT ABOUT IT?
YOU WANT TO BUST UP WITH MARY?

MARY DOESN'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

DON'T BE TOO SURE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?

WELL, I FIGURED IT OUT
AND I'M NOT YOUR WIFE.

HOW LONG DO YOU THINK
IT'S GOING TO TAKE MARY
TO FIGURE IT OUT?

HEATHER IN THE HANDS
OF A MANIAC.

SAY IT'S NOT TRUE.

IT'S NOT TRUE. SHE'S HOME.

SHE'S NOT IN THE HANDS
OF A MANIAC.

NOT TILL 6:30,
THEN I GOT TO GO BACK.

OH, I'M GOING TO FAINT AGAIN.
MA, YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO FAINT AGAIN!

AND YOU'RE NOT
GOING BACK THERE!

NOW YOU SIT THERE
AND YOU DRINK YOUR WATER.

HEATHER,
YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN HER
THAT MOUNTAIN SPRING WATER.

STAY!

HI, DAVEY.
IT'S ME, MARY HARTMAN.

MARY HARTMAN.