Martin (1992–1997): Season 1, Episode 4 - Boyz 'R Us - full transcript

Fellas, I want to talk
about women and money.

Do you ever notice around payday.
Your check becomes her check?

Your lady says things like,
when do we get paid?

Did we already put our check in the bank?

and I'm thinking, there's a lot
of WE WE going on here.

When did you start speaking French?

So think about it.

When your lady starts speaking French

start speaking Spanish.

Adios!

Jab! watch the hook.



Fly Peter Pan...fly! fly!

Men who wear women stockings are gay

but Peter Pan is the man

Hey Martin, do you think Peter Pan was gay?

You know he likes to be in trees,
with all those lost boys

The man had a girl.
Tinker Bell.

Yeah but Tinker Bell was only this big

Yeah but most of that was butt

You men are sick, talking about cartoon
characters bodies

I got bad news for you,
Tinker Bell's butt was flat

Yo Cole, did you get the movie "White Men Can't Jump"?

I got something better...

Soul Island starring King Beef

King Beef? All of his movies stink!



Yo, he's going to get an Oscar

Oh King Beef, please don't make us wait

Ladies, I would love to rock each one of your worlds

But first I must dance!

Hey man, it's stupid. The ladies

Excuse me but why do we always let
Cole pick the videos?

Excuse me because I always pay
for them

I'm not watching King Beef
I'm leaving

There must be something we can do

We can play a game called
a book of questions

Oh yeah that was fun

But I'm not playing that game
with these immature little boys

Why do we have to be all that Pam?
and why not?

Come on Pam, it will be fun

These questions are about our
most embarrassing secrets

Ay no, we should not play this game
you are right Pam

No, me and the fellas are in

Does this involve Geography?
Because if yes, I'm out

This is how we play, when I ask a
question, answer honestly. Everyone

I will do it, girl

Question 1...would you date someone
who was 40 pounds overweight?

I have to breathe baby

Pam?

I would, if only $20.00 was in his wallet

Cole?

Sure, 40 pounds overweight
it means baby can cook

Next question, if you spend a lot of money
on a woman. It means she owes you something?

Absolutely not!

But how much money?

Well I don't but I know some brothers that do

Yes, you are looking at one right here

If I take a woman to the movies and dinner

You better believe I would be expecting
something back later

That is ridiculous!

Sorry baby, but that's how men are

Sorry honey

Well it's not right but money is power

Thats right, the moola (money)
is the down payment

If you say so, let me give Cole back
his $25 he lent to me from last week

I don't want you to have any power over me

Next question, if you were married and shipwrecked
on a dessert island with a beautiful stranger

Would you make love to them?

Yeah, Marianne and Ginger (from Giligans Island)

But not the old lady (Mrs. Hobb)

Come on baby, I would die making
love to a coconut instead

Now about this $25 you borrowed from Cole

What was that all about?

Well remember last week when Cole spent
the night because his mom had a date?

You were in the shower and I was running late
for a meeting and I needed cash for a cab

Moving on

Would you date someone from a different race?

It doesn't matter because we all black
when the lights go out

Well I don't know, my mom always told me
If she can't use your comb, don't bring her home

Wait!

Tommy you were dating a white girl in college

No, she wasn't very white, she was French

What about you Martin?

So why didn't you get me out the shower?

What?

Martin, don't start just get let it go

Gina, why didn't you get me out the shower?

Why do you even care?

Because it's a man thing baby,
you really would not understand

I don't want another man loaning my girl money

Do you understand?

If you need money, I am your man
you come to me baby

You had just paid your rent

Gina, that's not the point!

The point is, if you needed $25 you should have
came into the bathroom and asked me

I would have probably told you that I didn't have it

I would have got it from Cole

and then I would have gave it to you,
now do you see my point baby?

I don't see the difference, she was only trying to help you

The difference is Pam, money is power and no one is having power over my woman

I didn't know I even had that kind of power

Power? How does it work exactly?

Don't mock me Gina!

Don't mock me!

We are going to learn it, is everyone listening?

Alright

Gina, borrows $25 from Cole

But she can't pay it back

So a couple of years pass...

It's the phone, who's on the phone?
It's coley Cole here

Hey Gina, girl...

I own you

I own you deeply!

Gina says oh Cole I'm so sorry, I have no way to pay you back

Cole says, hush your mouth girl. You see me

My mom is not home...

and pay day has arrived

The next thing you know...

Gina is Cole's love slave

Why? Because you borrowed $25 baby

To catch a cab

I'm not to be mocked, Gina!

You know I'm so glad you explained it
because I owe him $10
00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:07,500
Look Martin, if money is power then you don't have it

Because Gina makes a whole lot more money
than you do anyway

When did you start making more money than me?

Don't go there brother

I was going to tell you Martin

Yes Martin, she was going to tell you
just as soon as you started making more

But don't worry brother, I know it will happen
just hang in there and keep hope alive

Kick hope out of my house! Get Out!

Now Martin wants to kick us out of his house

You don't have to go home but you have get out of here!

Wait, I forgot my video

What is wrong with you?

How could you do this to me Gina?

I didn't do anything to you Martin

How much more money do you make, Gina?

Is it one zeros, two zeros, three zero's? How much more?

It doesn't matter

That much Gina?

Stop acting like this

I think you need to do what they just did

I need time to think

Are you serious?

Fine!

Are we still having dinner together tomorrow night?

I don't know, I have to check my finances

Don't worry Martin, I'm paying

Martin has 3 ketchups and all of them are opened

Well stay out of my fridge

What are you all doing here?

We are always here

I know but I thought I kicked you out!

That was yesterday

Then welcome back!

Hey listen, you know I didn't mean any disrespect

I never intended for Gina to be my love slave

Yo man, it's cool. I don't have any anger with you

It's because Gina makes more money than me,
It made me crazy

And why should you care anyway?

My whole radio image, makes me look like I'm the boss

I'm the man, I wear the pants. You understand?

You're the man

Exactly!

If my audience on the radio show found out that Gina was making more money than me, I would lose my audience

Stan would fire me, but I would get another job at a pizza shop

I would take orders from some country boy saying "look Martin, give me pepperoni and make sure its not little"

Martin you know that its not going to happen

No, it's not going to happen as long as my brothers didn't tell anyone

You didn't tell anyone, no?

I just told my mom

What?

Hey, you know mom doesn't know how to keep secrets

Cole, what are you doing man?

Telling your mom is like putting it on the "Arsenio Hall Show" the night Eddie Murphy is on

What did you tell you chatty mother?

Nothing, I just told her you were broke and Gina makes twice as much than you

But I didn't go into details

Call your mom and tell her it's not true

I can't do that, it's bingo night and she's been drinking alcohol

Everyone knows now

Thanks man, you ruined me

Today we are going to talk about why men rule the house

Men are the providers, it goes way back to the caveman days

I didn't create it, a mans job in those times was to hunt a water buffalo, kill it and drag it home

Not to say that a woman's job wasn't important

Someone had to fry it

Put some macaroni with it and add some candy yams

Detroit I need to hear your opinion, whats up?

Yo Martin, this is little D calling from the east side

Man, I heard that your woman is taking care of you

Where did you hear that from?

I heard it while standing in line at the unemployment office

But I ignored it, then I heard it again at the disability office

But when I heard it for the last time at work, I had to call you

Little D, come on man. You know me and you can't believe everything you hear

Especially at the unemployment office because they lie about everything

Next caller, what's up?

Your woman is providing for you?

Stop putting down our women audience, I can't afford to lose them

Do you have any idea how much those tampons sponsors pay?

I don't know, but can I talk to you?

So what is the problem? You have a woman who is providing for you

Sit back, relax and spend her money

I've been looking for a girl like that for years

I got close once, but she died before I could get the papers signed

I spent 6 months pushing her wheel chair for nothing

Stan, that's bad

No, it's not but what's bad is that I'm going after her mom next week

Girls, what is the latest news?

Is that the girl over there?

I am not the type to spread gossip but my son Cole told me she has 3 babies with 4 men

That's what I heard

That is nothing, do you remember Willie?

The man burned down his house to collect the insurance money

The fool didn't have any insurance

I heard that too

Now I also heard, that your son Martin is broke (no money) and Gina is providing for him

Buying him clothes and groceries too, girl

You didn't have to say that and go there, that was wrong

Since we are going to gossip, let's talk about your son Cole

Leave my baby out of this

Don't you think he is too damn old to be living at home with his momma?

It's better to mooch from your mom than to mooch from your girlfriend

Martin is nothing but a womanizer

Now it's on, that's your butt

Ladies, can we act our age here?

If we acted our age, you would be dead

You can't talk, what about your son Kevin?

I saw half of your silverware at the pawn shop

So we raised 3 sorry little boys

You two got my blood pressure up

Sit down, I have to go get my back cracked

Girl, I was about to beat you up

She don't have any sense

Excuse me ladies, I'm getting ready to leave
Is this tip for me?

Get away from that

I'll give you a tip, don't eat egg salad if you plan on riding the bus, sucker!

Isn't that her son Martin over there?

Girl, yes it is

I bet he is embarrassed and hopes no one sees him

Come here baby

What are you doing here?

Well you know, I have to take my Gina out to dinner

Because hey I provide for my woman

You know what? If I don't take her out to dinner, she won't eat

That's what I heard

Martin I heard that you could use a little help

Have you been hearing those rumors about me being broke (no money)?

You know what happened? I had lost my bank book right

So the bank wanted to put a hold on my account so no one could get my money

But hey, I got money

You want some of this don't you?

Let me give you more, because I know what you like to do (male strippers)

I'm going to my seat and eat with my girl, I see you all later have a good evening

What a liar!

Who cares, I can get my toes done now

Sorry I'm late

Are you alright?

Nothing I can't handle

What would it be today?

I'm the man at the table, I will be ordering for my baby

What are you doing? I order for myself

Not when I am paying

What is the most expensive food you have?

We have goat

Then give us the most expensive goat

You know what? Give us billie goat, 2 of those

Aren't you Martin Payne from the radio show?

I heard your show today, look here brother

Keep hope alive

You see Gina

That's been happening to me all day

They think I'm less than a man

Yes I am. Do you know what they say about a man who makes less money than his woman?

That I am weak, a punk, I'm nothing but crumbs on a table

Stop it Martin, it's just rumors

That's easy for you to say, you are big in this rumor

I don't care what people say, rumors don't last

Yeah but after this rumor is over, you will still be making more money than me

So what do you want me to do, quit my job?

No, take a pay cut

You are hopeless

You see, even you say it

I'm hopeless right?

I'm homeless too

Gina, I'm so sorry I can't be the man you need me to be

To provide for you

It's a man thing isn't it?

A man thing?

Yes baby, it's a man thing (Superman)

Alright, look at it this way

You make more money than me

I do?

Yes, If you look at your hours

You are on the show 4 hours a day right?

I only have 12 hour days sometimes

That's right!

If you think about it, if you put in as many hours as I do, you will be making way more money than me

Way more!

That's right! You know I didn't even look at it that way

They are making you look like a fool on your job and you don't even know it

They are working my baby like a ranch mule

This is going to be good, I have to tell white people

I am making more money than my lady

How can we tell everyone?

Don't push it Martin

Come on let's tell Cole's mom, she talks too much

You are lucky I love you

Let's go before I really lose all my money

I wanted a burger anyway

You can get cheese on it