Martin (1992–1997): Season 1, Episode 4 - Boyz 'R Us - full transcript

Fellas, I want to talk
about women and money.

Do you ever notice around payday.
Your check becomes her check?

Your lady says things like,
when do we get paid?

Did we already put our check in the bank?

and I'm thinking, there's a lot
of WE WE going on here.

When did you start speaking French?

So think about it.

When your lady starts speaking French
00:00:30,500 --> 00:00:31,500
start speaking Spanish.

Adios!

Jab! watch the hook.

Fly Peter Pan...fly! fly!



Men who wear women stockings are gay

but Peter Pan is the man

Hey Martin, do you think Peter Pan was gay?

You know he likes to be in trees,
with all those lost boys

The man had a girl.
Tinker Bell.

Yeah but Tinker Bell was only this big

Yeah but most of that was butt

You men are sick, talking about cartoon
characters bodies

I got bad news for you,
Tinker Bell's butt was flat

Yo Cole, did you get the movie "White Men Can't Jump"?

I got something better...

Soul Island starring King Beef

King Beef? All of his movies stink!

Yo, he's going to get an Oscar



Oh King Beef, please don't make us wait

Ladies, I would love to rock each one of your worlds

But first I must dance!

Hey man, it's stupid. The ladies

Excuse me but why do we always let
Cole pick the videos?

Excuse me because I always pay
for them

I'm not watching King Beef
I'm leaving

There must be something we can do

We can play a game called
a book of questions

Oh yeah that was fun

But I'm not playing that game
with these immature little boys

Why do we have to be all that Pam?
and why not?

Come on Pam, it will be fun

These questions are about our
most embarrassing secrets

Ay no, we should not play this game
you are right Pam

No, me and the fellas are in

Does this involve Geography?
Because if yes, I'm out

This is how we play, when I ask a
question, answer honestly. Everyone

I will do it, girl

Question 1...would you date someone
who was 40 pounds overweight?

I have to breathe baby

Pam?

I would, if only $20.00 was in his wallet

Cole?

Sure, 40 pounds overweight
it means baby can cook

Next question, if you spend a lot of money
on a woman. It means she owes you something?

Absolutely not!

But how much money?

Well I don't but I know some brothers that do
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Yes, you are looking at one right here
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If I take a woman to the movies and dinner
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You better believe I would be expecting
something back later
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That is ridiculous!
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Sorry baby, but that's how men are
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Sorry honey
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Well it's not right but money is power
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Thats right, the moola (money)
is the down payment
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If you say so, let me give Cole back
his $25 he lent to me from last week
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:06,000
I don't want you to have any power over me
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:15,000
Next question, if you were married and shipwrecked
on a dessert island with a beautiful stranger
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Would you make love to them?
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Yeah, Marianne and Ginger (from Giligans Island)
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But not the old lady (Mrs. Hobb)
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Come on baby, I would die making
love to a coconut instead
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:36,000
Now about this $25 you borrowed from Cole
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What was that all about?
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Well remember last week when Cole spent
the night because his mom had a date?
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You were in the shower and I was running late
for a meeting and I needed cash for a cab
00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:51,500
Moving on
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Would you date someone from a different race?
00:05:57,500 --> 00:06:01,000
It doesn't matter because we all black
when the lights go out
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Well I don't know, my mom always told me
If she can't use your comb, don't bring her home
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Wait!
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Tommy you were dating a white girl in college
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:23,000
No, she wasn't very white, she was French
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What about you Martin?
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:33,000
So why didn't you get me out the shower?
00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:35,500
What?
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Martin, don't start just get let it go
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Gina, why didn't you get me out the shower?
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Why do you even care?
00:06:44,500 --> 00:06:48,000
Because it's a man thing baby,
you really would not understand
00:06:48,500 --> 00:06:50,500
I don't want another man loaning my girl money
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Do you understand?
00:06:51,500 --> 00:06:54,500
If you need money, I am your man
you come to me baby
00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:57,000
You had just paid your rent
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:59,500
Gina, that's not the point!
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:05,000
The point is, if you needed $25 you should have
came into the bathroom and asked me
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,500
I would have probably told you that I didn't have it
00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:13,000
I would have got it from Cole
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and then I would have gave it to you,
now do you see my point baby?
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I don't see the difference, she was only trying to help you
00:07:21,500 --> 00:07:32,000
The difference is Pam, money is power and no one is having power over my woman
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I didn't know I even had that kind of power
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Power? How does it work exactly?
00:07:43,500 --> 00:07:46,500
Don't mock me Gina!
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Don't mock me!
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We are going to learn it, is everyone listening?
00:07:51,500 --> 00:07:52,500
Alright
00:07:56,500 --> 00:07:59,500
Gina, borrows $25 from Cole
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,000
But she can't pay it back
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:04,500
So a couple of years pass...
00:08:05,500 --> 00:08:09,000
It's the phone, who's on the phone?
It's coley Cole here
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,500
Hey Gina, girl...
00:08:11,500 --> 00:08:13,500
I own you
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:17,000
I own you deeply!
00:08:17,500 --> 00:08:22,500
Gina says oh Cole I'm so sorry, I have no way to pay you back
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,500
Cole says, hush your mouth girl. You see me
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:28,500
My mom is not home...
00:08:29,500 --> 00:08:33,500
and pay day has arrived
00:08:34,500 --> 00:08:35,500
The next thing you know...
00:08:35,500 --> 00:08:39,500
Gina is Cole's love slave
00:08:39,500 --> 00:08:43,500
Why? Because you borrowed $25 baby
00:08:43,500 --> 00:08:45,500
To catch a cab
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I'm not to be mocked, Gina!
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:54,000
You know I'm so glad you explained it
because I owe him $10
00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:07,500
Look Martin, if money is power then you don't have it
00:09:07,500 --> 00:09:11,000
Because Gina makes a whole lot more money
than you do anyway
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When did you start making more money than me?
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Don't go there brother
00:09:22,500 --> 00:09:25,500
I was going to tell you Martin
00:09:25,500 --> 00:09:29,000
Yes Martin, she was going to tell you
just as soon as you started making more
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But don't worry brother, I know it will happen
just hang in there and keep hope alive
00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:40,000
Kick hope out of my house! Get Out!
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:43,000
Now Martin wants to kick us out of his house
00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:46,000
You don't have to go home but you have get out of here!
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:49,000
Wait, I forgot my video
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:51,500
What is wrong with you?
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,500
How could you do this to me Gina?
00:09:54,500 --> 00:09:56,000
I didn't do anything to you Martin
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,000
How much more money do you make, Gina?
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:05,500
Is it one zeros, two zeros, three zero's? How much more?
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:08,000
It doesn't matter
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,500
That much Gina?
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,000
Stop acting like this
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:18,500
I think you need to do what they just did
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,500
I need time to think
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:22,500
Are you serious?
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,500
Fine!
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:31,800
Are we still having dinner together tomorrow night?
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:35,000
I don't know, I have to check my finances
00:10:38,500 --> 00:10:42,500
Don't worry Martin, I'm paying
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:50,500
Martin has 3 ketchups and all of them are opened
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,000
Well stay out of my fridge
00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:57,000
What are you all doing here?
00:10:57,500 --> 00:10:58,500
We are always here
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:00,500
I know but I thought I kicked you out!
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:01,500
That was yesterday
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:03,500
Then welcome back!
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,500
Hey listen, you know I didn't mean any disrespect
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:10,000
I never intended for Gina to be my love slave
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:14,500
Yo man, it's cool. I don't have any anger with you
00:11:14,500 --> 00:11:17,500
It's because Gina makes more money than me,
It made me crazy
00:11:17,500 --> 00:11:19,000
And why should you care anyway?
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:22,000
My whole radio image, makes me look like I'm the boss
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:24,000
I'm the man, I wear the pants. You understand?
00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:26,000
You're the man
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:27,500
Exactly!
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:33,000
If my audience on the radio show found out that Gina was making more money than me, I would lose my audience
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:37,000
Stan would fire me, but I would get another job at a pizza shop
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:43,000
I would take orders from some country boy saying "look Martin, give me pepperoni and make sure its not little"
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,500
Martin you know that its not going to happen
00:11:45,500 --> 00:11:49,000
No, it's not going to happen as long as my brothers didn't tell anyone
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:53,000
You didn't tell anyone, no?
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:55,500
I just told my mom
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:57,000
What?
00:11:57,500 --> 00:11:59,000
Hey, you know mom doesn't know how to keep secrets
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:01,500
Cole, what are you doing man?
00:12:01,500 --> 00:12:05,500
Telling your mom is like putting it on the "Arsenio Hall Show" the night Eddie Murphy is on
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:12,000
What did you tell you chatty mother?
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:17,000
Nothing, I just told her you were broke and Gina makes twice as much than you
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,000
But I didn't go into details
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:22,000
Call your mom and tell her it's not true
00:12:22,500 --> 00:12:26,000
I can't do that, it's bingo night and she's been drinking alcohol
00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:31,500
Everyone knows now
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:34,000
Thanks man, you ruined me
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:46,000
Today we are going to talk about why men rule the house
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:57,000
Men are the providers, it goes way back to the caveman days
00:12:57,000 --> 00:13:06,000
I didn't create it, a mans job in those times was to hunt a water buffalo, kill it and drag it home
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:10,000
Not to say that a woman's job wasn't important
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:13,000
Someone had to fry it
00:13:14,500 --> 00:13:18,000
Put some macaroni with it and add some candy yams
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:22,500
Detroit I need to hear your opinion, whats up?
00:13:22,500 --> 00:13:25,500
Yo Martin, this is little D calling from the east side
00:13:26,500 --> 00:13:31,000
Man, I heard that your woman is taking care of you
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:33,500
Where did you hear that from?
00:13:33,500 --> 00:13:36,000
I heard it while standing in line at the unemployment office
00:13:37,500 --> 00:13:43,000
But I ignored it, then I heard it again at the disability office
00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:48,000
But when I heard it for the last time at work, I had to call you
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:53,500
Little D, come on man. You know me and you can't believe everything you hear
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:59,000
Especially at the unemployment office because they lie about everything
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:01,500
Next caller, what's up?
00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:03,500
Your woman is providing for you?
00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:14,500
Stop putting down our women audience, I can't afford to lose them
00:14:14,500 --> 00:14:17,500
Do you have any idea how much those tampons sponsors pay?
00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:20,500
I don't know, but can I talk to you?
00:14:30,500 --> 00:14:35,000
So what is the problem? You have a woman who is providing for you
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:38,000
Sit back, relax and spend her money
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:41,500
I've been looking for a girl like that for years
00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:45,000
I got close once, but she died before I could get the papers signed
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:49,000
I spent 6 months pushing her wheel chair for nothing
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,000
Stan, that's bad
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:58,000
No, it's not but what's bad is that I'm going after her mom next week
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Girls, what is the latest news?
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,000
Is that the girl over there?
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:17,000
I am not the type to spread gossip but my son Cole told me she has 3 babies with 4 men
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That's what I heard
00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:24,000
That is nothing, do you remember Willie?
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:29,000
The man burned down his house to collect the insurance money
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,000
The fool didn't have any insurance
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,500
I heard that too
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:41,500
Now I also heard, that your son Martin is broke (no money) and Gina is providing for him
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:47,000
Buying him clothes and groceries too, girl
00:15:48,500 --> 00:15:54,500
You didn't have to say that and go there, that was wrong
00:15:54,500 --> 00:15:59,500
Since we are going to gossip, let's talk about your son Cole
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Leave my baby out of this
00:16:03,500 --> 00:16:08,500
Don't you think he is too damn old to be living at home with his momma?
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:13,000
It's better to mooch from your mom than to mooch from your girlfriend
00:16:13,500 --> 00:16:15,500
Martin is nothing but a womanizer
00:16:15,500 --> 00:16:17,000
Now it's on, that's your butt
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:25,000
Ladies, can we act our age here?
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:28,500
If we acted our age, you would be dead
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,000
You can't talk, what about your son Kevin?
00:16:32,500 --> 00:16:35,500
I saw half of your silverware at the pawn shop
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:40,000
So we raised 3 sorry little boys
00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:47,000
You two got my blood pressure up
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:50,000
Sit down, I have to go get my back cracked
00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:55,000
Girl, I was about to beat you up
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:05,000
She don't have any sense
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:10,000
Excuse me ladies, I'm getting ready to leave
Is this tip for me?
00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:11,500
Get away from that
00:17:11,500 --> 00:17:18,500
I'll give you a tip, don't eat egg salad if you plan on riding the bus, sucker!
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:25,500
Isn't that her son Martin over there?
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:27,000
Girl, yes it is
00:17:27,500 --> 00:17:31,500
I bet he is embarrassed and hopes no one sees him
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:35,000
Come here baby
00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:40,000
What are you doing here?
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:42,500
Well you know, I have to take my Gina out to dinner
00:17:42,500 --> 00:17:44,500
Because hey I provide for my woman
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:48,000
You know what? If I don't take her out to dinner, she won't eat
00:17:48,500 --> 00:17:50,000
That's what I heard
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:55,000
Martin I heard that you could use a little help
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:59,000
Have you been hearing those rumors about me being broke (no money)?
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:02,000
You know what happened? I had lost my bank book right
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:06,000
So the bank wanted to put a hold on my account so no one could get my money
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:09,000
But hey, I got money
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:12,500
You want some of this don't you?
00:18:19,500 --> 00:18:24,000
Let me give you more, because I know what you like to do (male strippers)
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:30,000
I'm going to my seat and eat with my girl, I see you all later have a good evening
00:18:31,500 --> 00:18:34,000
What a liar!
00:18:34,500 --> 00:18:37,500
Who cares, I can get my toes done now
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:41,000
Sorry I'm late
00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:42,500
Are you alright?
00:18:43,500 --> 00:18:45,500
Nothing I can't handle
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,500
What would it be today?
00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:50,500
I'm the man at the table, I will be ordering for my baby
00:18:51,500 --> 00:18:54,500
What are you doing? I order for myself
00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:55,500
Not when I am paying
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:58,500
What is the most expensive food you have?
00:18:59,500 --> 00:19:00,500
We have goat
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:05,000
Then give us the most expensive goat
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:10,000
You know what? Give us billie goat, 2 of those
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,000
Aren't you Martin Payne from the radio show?
00:19:32,500 --> 00:19:35,000
I heard your show today, look here brother
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:37,000
Keep hope alive
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:42,000
You see Gina
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,000
That's been happening to me all day
00:19:44,500 --> 00:19:46,500
They think I'm less than a man
00:19:48,500 --> 00:19:52,500
Yes I am. Do you know what they say about a man who makes less money than his woman?
00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:57,500
That I am weak, a punk, I'm nothing but crumbs on a table
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:00,500
Stop it Martin, it's just rumors
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:04,500
That's easy for you to say, you are big in this rumor
00:20:05,500 --> 00:20:08,500
I don't care what people say, rumors don't last
00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:12,500
Yeah but after this rumor is over, you will still be making more money than me
00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:15,000
So what do you want me to do, quit my job?
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,000
No, take a pay cut
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:20,000
You are hopeless
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:22,500
You see, even you say it
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:24,500
I'm hopeless right?
00:20:25,500 --> 00:20:27,500
I'm homeless too
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:37,000
Gina, I'm so sorry I can't be the man you need me to be
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:39,500
To provide for you
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:43,500
It's a man thing isn't it?
00:20:43,500 --> 00:20:44,500
A man thing?
00:20:44,500 --> 00:20:47,500
Yes baby, it's a man thing (Superman)
00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:53,500
Alright, look at it this way
00:20:53,500 --> 00:20:55,000
You make more money than me
00:20:56,500 --> 00:20:57,500
I do?
00:20:57,500 --> 00:21:01,000
Yes, If you look at your hours
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:12,500
You are on the show 4 hours a day right?
00:21:13,500 --> 00:21:16,000
I only have 12 hour days sometimes
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:19,000
That's right!
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:27,000
If you think about it, if you put in as many hours as I do, you will be making way more money than me
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:29,500
Way more!
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:34,500
That's right! You know I didn't even look at it that way
00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:40,500
They are making you look like a fool on your job and you don't even know it
00:21:41,500 --> 00:21:45,500
They are working my baby like a ranch mule
00:21:45,500 --> 00:21:47,500
This is going to be good, I have to tell white people
00:21:47,500 --> 00:21:50,500
I am making more money than my lady
00:21:54,500 --> 00:21:55,800
How can we tell everyone?
00:21:56,500 --> 00:21:58,500
Don't push it Martin
00:21:58,500 --> 00:22:01,000
Come on let's tell Cole's mom, she talks too much
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:02,500
You are lucky I love you
00:22:03,500 --> 00:22:06,500
Let's go before I really lose all my money
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:10,000
I wanted a burger anyway
00:22:10,500 --> 00:22:12,500
You can get cheese on it