Martin (1992–1997): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Gift Rapper - full transcript

It's Martin and Gina's anniversary. And Martin listens to his boss Stan and doesn't get a gift for Gina. She has all kinds of gifts for him. Making Martin feel bad and improvising big-time to get a gift.

They say you never forget your first kiss

Well, let's just say in the course of a 4
year relationship, I brought her a hat

a scarf, a t-shirt and a sweater

We broke up

I let her keep the sweater

Now I know you can not put a price
tag on love...

but that sweater took all my savings

How far should a man go for love?

We'll be right back

Come give me your sweetness

Life with you there is no weakness



Laying safe in your arms, I'm born again

I was without hope until you came in to my life

I got one for you

Oh, you do?

Asi es. You're going to love it

I'm listening

Every body, everybody was Kung-fu fighting

Stop, you are going to wrinkle my clothes

Take them off!

Martin some of us have real jobs

What is that supposed to mean?
That my radio show is not a real job?

I work hard, baby

I do a lot of research

Like, yesterday's show. You said Red Fox is still alive



Babe

Think about it

The man faked it

If you owe $16 billion in taxes,
what would you do?

You don't believe that Martin?

It don't matter what I believe

Look, when I'm on the radio,
we get a little crazy, we get good ratings

but why are you always negative about my show?

Martin is just my opinion

You are just sensitive about everything

No, I'm not

Yes, you are

No, I'm not
Yes, you are

You are but bitter sweet

Like, the other night, we were
watching beauty and the beast

And you cried and it was only a cartoon, honey

You had to understand that little white girl

and that boy was ugly

Only white people can endure that. I'm sorry

But, I was not crying

It's okay to cry

Yes for some people but not me

It's ok. You don't have to cry about it

Look, I gotta go. Chao

You will miss me girl

Come here and give me my sugar

Unless if you wish to get closer, I wouldn't mind

Okay

Okay

One kiss

But first you got to promise me something

What do I have to promise you girl?

Kevin from work got a promotion
and we're having a little party

for him and I want you to come

No, no, don't touch me

I will never, ever spend
another evening with those dry zombies you work for

I always get trapped in a corner with a white guy named Bob
Listen Martin. I just saw a black ghetto movie
I didn't know Martin.

I'm sorry. I won't

And you think your friends are any better?

Most definitely

Like your friend Cole? He doesn't have thumbs

Cole doesn't need thumbs, alright?

He can't count pass eight, babe

You're making me late, chao

Come here girl, give me my sugar
grab my ears

Who is it? (your mom)
Martin I don't want her to know I was here

Don't panic, calm down
She's going to know you were here
Just be cool. Open the door

Hi, Mrs. Payne

My God

It's so hot outside

Mama sweating like Coca Cola bottle at a barbecue

Mom let me get you something to drink

No, momma fine

I just need time to catch my breath, that's all

I just stopped by on my way to work

Oh I know, momma know
Yes I know, you are a good girl

Good clean girl?

Thank you

Have a good show Martin

I'll be listening ok?

Call me later

Ooh, you know, it makes mama feel good
Good to see her son with someone
sweet and warm and beautiful like you

Yes, it does. You should visit more often

You need to watch that girl, I don't trust her

I will marry Gina, as soon
as I can get some money

I just worry so much about
you and out of all my kids, you are my favorite

and you look so much like your father

Can I ask you a question? When I was younger, did I cry a lot?

Yes, like a little lamb

I just stopped by to bring you this record

It's called "We Are The World" it's
by little Michael Jackson, and a

bus load of his friends. Put that on
your show today, mama got to go

I told you it's talk radio. We don't play records

You don't talk back to mama. This record is powerful

It just might make this world
a better place for you and me

Mama's sorry

Now listen, if that girl Gina is
going to be spending the night over here

You make her pay rent. You hear me?

Are you wearing clean and dry underwear?

Hey Martin, you busy

Yo, what's up? man

Getting ready

What's up?

You know how radio signals go out
into the space and travel for years?

Yeah

So right now space aliens are getting
30 five-year-old radio signals

So?

If they decide to come here and attack
us when they said, take me to your

leader, they'd still be looking for
Eisenhower and that would really confuse them

You know, for engineer you're
real deep, you went real deep

What did I tell you
about talking to Martin

When he's going on the show

Stan relax

am I talking to you?

No, you were talking to me.

Shut up, Sean.

We know he was, yeah.

Yeah.

Yo boss man, what is wrong with you?

Martin, this is a small radio station.

I am a small businessman.

Look at this phone bill, man.

This phone bill right here.

What are you trying to do?

Bankrupt me?

This was a phone
interview to New York.
with Bill Cosby

That man is as rich as King Tut.

And he couldn't call you?
A new policy now, collect call

interviews only from now on.

Do you understand?

You don't make Bill Cosby

Call you.

Collect call from Eisenhower.

Hello is that marketing
report finished yet?

I'm xeroxing it right now.

Thank you.

He's not xeroxing.

She's talking to her boyfriend
for the 5th time today.

Pam, what is wrong with that?

I think it's nice.

It costs us so much.

Gina.

Don't fool yourself.

He's just checking up on her.

And why would he do that?

Because he's a man. They're
all the same. They're jealous

possessive, and they are all control freaks.

And I date them sometimes.

Martin isn't like that.

Martin is sweet.

He's sensitive.

He respects me and he makes me happy.

Is he beating on you?

You are starting to irritate me.

Here's the report.

Oh, thank you, Martin show is starting.

Is it okay if we listen in here?

Oh yeah.

Come on in you girls.

Yo!

This is Martin Payne, today's subject

Male sensitivity.

I think it's the woman's plot to turn men into
house trained suckers, people

we're talking male sensitivity. What Up?

I share everything with my wife.

I even cry in front of her.

Yo man.

I share everything with my wife.

That's beautiful.

Can I ask you a question?

What do you shave your face or your bikini line?
Excuse me?

Stand up, pull down your pants, man.
Look at the front of your underwear.

You're missing a man's flap, girlfriend.

I don't have to take this from you, you dirty son of a...

Listen people.

Why I gotta be all that?

Why I gotta be all that?

Control yourself.

We are trying to have a mature
discussion on male sensitivity,
next caller what up?

You are a joke!

You all talk, if you've even
got a girlfriend, I bet

She's got you wrapped
around her little finger.

Okay.

So let me get this right, darling.

You're female weightlifter, right?

A bodybuilder gladiator, right?

I'm saying you call here going off on me.

True?

Let me tell you a little something about
my girl Gina, she worships the ground I walk on.

If I tell Gina to jump, she will
say how high? I tell her, watch your head.

Because you're going to the moon.

Gina

Don't give me all that backtalk.

Because she knows she got a man.
That can...deliver

Lord, would you be so kind and send me
a man who is sweet and sensitive and

respectful as Martin? because Lord,
he is all that!

I'm going to kill him!

What is the use of having a
key to Martin's apartment

If they've never been a decent food
to eat in his house? Yo Tommy check this

out, look at this girl, I've
seen that magazine Cole.
No, no, no.

You ain't seen this girl before.

She's perfect.

She got, she...

What the hell is up with her feet?

Don't tell me, she
got onions, bunions, and corn.

You can make a salad with her feet.

Give me the magazine Cole. I paid $2.95 for this magazine.

They could at least put her a pair of socks on.

See now, you know, you've been looking at those girls too long.

When you start noticing they feet, give it to me.

Show love my man.

Show me some love. Come on.
Thank you for being here for me.

Tommy.

What'd you think, man?

What's up?

What'd you think?

I think Gina is going to hurt you really bad.

Tommy, you know what?

Don't worry.

I got Gina in control.

Alright.

Look, man.

I'm trying to put an end to all

this male sensitivity nonsense.

Oye, oye, oye

Men are dogs.

Okay.

Come on, man.

We all know

that women know this.

They should all accept it and deal with it.

That's what I'm saying.

Let me ask my brothers a question.

You brothers don't cry, do you?

Get outta here with that, man.

You crazy, man.

I've cried.

It was only once
I was only seven years old.

I got my hand caught in the trash compressor

Oh ok you were only seven years old.
Because if you said you were eight
then you are a weak punk.

How you doing?
Look at the little business women.
So you don't think I can steal your man?

Sha-na-nay

What are you talking about?

I heard Martin on the radio.
He was real good.
Real good.

I know you are going to end the relationship
so send him over to my apartment
because I know how to tame that man

I'm not leaving him Sha-na-nay.

I'm just setting some things straight.

Hold on, hold on, hold on

Hold on.

Hey, he is not the suspect

Your man tells you to jump.

You say how high?

You have to be a rocket scientist to figure it out?

Girl, mind your ugly business and go back into your cave.

Oh shut up with your ugly tramp dress
Let me tell you something, alright?

You do not know me.

You do not know me.

I will bust your ass, alright?

You need to get back into your apartment.

Put your shoe back on, she is not worth it.

That's not what your man said to me last night
Let me tell you something light bulb head.

You haven't heard the last of me yet.
I should bust you in your head right now

she is going to hurt you bad.

Martin, can I see you alone in the bedroom, please?

Gina, hold up, hold up, hold up
Who is she?

Trust me, you don't want to know my name right now.

Okay, esta bien

Why is she faking it? because she knows she wants me. True?

You all know that she wants me.

Excuse me?

You are a pathetic little stump of a man

Pam, respect my house

The man was playing with you

Respect my house

You are going to talk about respect?

We heard the show today, Martin

So how did you like it sister soldier?
I thought it was one of my best shows

I would really rather not talk
about this in front of your friends

No, relax, it's okay

I mean, you come storming in here

You got something to say

You can say it here, in
front of me and my friends
What's up?

I want to know why you say you never cried

When I saw you cry three nights ago at beauty and the beast

Can I see you in the room for a minute?

Can I see you in the room for a minute

You are embarrassing me in front of my friends

Yo, babe

I know you're not mad

How dare you embarrass me like that on the radio today?

Gina is my job to talk that way

You know, I don't mean anything bad, babe

Oh, you better not because if you
believe all that macho and

crap, you spat out on the radio show, they
don't respect me or the relationship

Gina

How can you say that?

You know, I respect you then you go out there and tell your friends what's real

Wait a minute, whats real between you and me is none of their business

So what you're saying is that you
respect me in private, but not in public

Gina! It's over Martin!

You're making me laugh. You're going to break up with me
because of what I do on the radio?

No, because of what you do to me on the radio

Gina! Now I'm angry
You don't get it, do you?
This is childish

Gina.

That's okay
If you're going to leave me Gina
Leave!
I'm a man!

I will be fine!

This is childish

I want you to leave!

I don't even know why you're still here

Leave!

Goodbye!

- You won, you won babe
- Gina: I what?

You are not ever, ever going disrespect me like that on the radio again ever?

Never again

Alright

I'm sorry

It's okay

Sorry.

It's okay.

I love you!

I love you too!

Grab my ears

Oh my goodness

I thought you was going to leave me

I can't have that, babe

You got some good stuff

Stop it, let's go outside

Babe, I know it's not the right time
but I was wondering
I'm begging you when we go out there

Can you make it seem like I won?

it's a man thing

It's okay

It's okay

On one condition you come
with me to this office party tonight

Gina, I can't go...
Hey, if I'm going to
play your game, you have to play mine

Gina, I don't want...

Ya ok I'm going to the party

Just let me trick Pam first
If she sees that I surrendered
she's going to get violent

Martin: I love you!
Gina: Yes, I know

And don't let it happen again

Pam, I asked you to respect my house
Gina, get your friend or I will hurt her

Pam, could you wait for me downstairs?
Everything's okay, please
Thank you

Sure! My work here is done

Oye Cole, I think she loves you

Hell yeah, am I right?

Am I right?

Yes, Martin

Because I'm a man and you're a
woman and thats all that needs to be said

Am I right about that?
Girl, I asked you

You call me in an hour

Okay?

You know my number, I have seven of them

Call me

I will call you

Wait, wait, wait excuse me but you don't walk out with my sugar

Thank you, thank you very much, I love you!

Pick me up in an hour, don't forget your tie
and don't be late

My brother. I did not know you had it like that

Yeah I'm the man

Yeah right, but in there she broke you to your knees. No?

only because I told her to