Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 9, Episode 3 - Kelly Breaks Out - full transcript

Boy, what's the matter
with sitcoms these days?

Where's the new Arnold the Pigs?

The new Barney Fifes?

Where's the Gradys
from Sanford and Son?

Yeah. Take this guy.

All he's done for
the last 20 minutes

is talk about which
toothbrush is his.

Yeah, like a real man
would use a toothbrush.

See what else is on.

Hm.

Well, now, this looks good.



This is the new Barnaby
Jones reunion show.

Uh, Dad, that's, uh...

That's the new
Rolling Stones video.

That's not Buddy
Ebsen, that's, uh...

That's Keith Richards.

I thought he looked a
little old for Buddy Ebsen.

Ah, The Home Shopping Network.

Boy, this is a good
idea for women.

It was a little too
tough driving to the mall

with a couch
strapped to their ass.

Which reminds me, uh, Peggy's
still in Wanker County, right?

Yep, but not for long.

Not since the doctor put
her mom on a no-salt-lick diet.

She should be back on
all fours any minute now.



Heh-heh. That's good.

Oh... Oh, look,
white-trash collector plates.

Heh-heh. I'm glad
Peg's not here to see this.

Yeah.

Our first call

is from Wanker
County, Wisconsin.

Uh, yes. I'd like to order

the Roger Clinton
service for eight, please.

Now, that comes with
matching spittoons, right?

You know, it's amazing.
They don't even have gravity

in Wanker County, but they
get the Home Shopping Network.

Yes, and I'd also like
the Gillooly soup tureens.

Now available, original
tapes of the British TV series

The Avengers.

That butt.

I'd know that butt
anywhere. That's Emma Peel.

Those are... Those
are Peel cheeks.

Peel.

Peel. Peel. Peel.

You know, Emma
Peel's the one that wore

the really tight jumpsuits.

And kicked really high.

Thereby allowing us to see

every single nuance
and fold in her body.

Jefferson, I've
gotta order this.

To the phones.

Uh,

has it occurred to
either of you rutabagas

that the woman may
be pushing 200 by now?

Pounds and years.

That's why you
look at them on tape.

If I only had to look
at your mother on tape,

I'd still be having
sex with her.

Hey, Daddy.

Can I have $200?

No, you can't, pumpkin.

We have to save everything
we have for the essentials.

You know, food, clothing...

Hello? Yes, I-I'd like to order
the new Emma Peel tape, please.

A-and d-do you have one
where she kicks really high?

Bud?

Do I look like I'm
made of money?

Well, just that roll of dimes
you keep in your pants.

Those are quarters. I mean...

I don't... I don't know
what you're talkin' about.

Please, it's only $200.

Ha. Kelly,

I work at the Department
of Vehicle Services.

How much money
do you think I make

riding around in a car all day?

And remember,

I'm upright and
in the front seat.

Please? I need it to help
me get a beer commercial.

Budweiser?

No. Ice Hole.

I'm just asking, slut.

No. No.

Ice Hole is the
name of the beer.

It's one of those new
microbrewery beers.

And they're having auditions for
spokesmodels in a couple days.

And this could be the
biggest thing in my life.

And before you know it, I'll
be living it up in Hollywood.

Getting in slap fights
with Shannen Doherty

and having my ass
grabbed by Bob Barker.

Yeah, yeah, do you have
one where she's soaking wet?

Or one where she's
freezing, freezing cold?

Huh?

Why, yes, I do sell
women's shoes.

H-how did you know that?

Listen. The pictures are only
$300 and I only have $100.

Uh, you have a
hundred bucks? Yes.

Well, I know a place where
you might be able to get

your pictures
done for 100 bucks.

Yeah, me too, but I don't
wanna be in Jugs Magazine.

Okay. Okay. Um...

I know another place.

You know, I just might
be able to help you out.

Well, okay.

But remember, these have
to be the kind of pictures

that bring out my best.

And smile.

Beautiful. I love it.

Turn, turn.

Beautiful.

Very sexy. Very
beautiful. Oh, yeah.

Bud.

Bud.

Do you know what today is?

National blue shirt
and brown pants day?

Really?

That's not gonna
affect the mail, is it?

'Cause I'm expecting my
Emma Peel tape today.

Did I tell you she could
kick really, really high?

Daddy.

Daddy, I got the commercial!

I'm the new Ice Hole
girl. Isn't that exciting?

It sure is. Sweetheart, did
you see the mailman out there?

Daddy, this could
be my big break.

Aren't you even
gonna be excited?

Honey, yes, I'm excited
for you, but you know me,

I don't get all gushy
and emotional.

The tape's here.

Give me that! Give me!

Wait a second, Jefferson.

This isn't an Emma
Peel Avengers.

This is a Linda
"We-Couldn't-Get-Anybody-Else-

to-Do-the-Show"
Thorson Avengers.

Jefferson, we've
been hornswoggled.

To the phones.

You know, Kel,

it's a wonder we turned
out as well as we did.

Huh?

Well, I guess it's just
me and Buck now.

If I could call a cab,
it would just be you.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Well, listen here,
you carpetbaggers.

It's been over two weeks
and I'm still without Peel.

Now, I'm going to whoever
regulates you people.

Who is that anyway?

"Absolutely no one."

What is their number?

"1-800-Bite-Me."

Gotcha.

Daddy,

I'm ruined.

My life is even more
worthless than yours.

Well, how could
that possibly be?

Well, what about the commercial?

There's not gonna
be a commercial.

Why?

I've got a zit.

Look at it, Daddy.

It's the size of
the Earth itself.

This is the first zit
I've ever had in my life,

and the commercial's
the day after tomorrow.

Oh, don't worry, Kelly.
You can hardly see it.

You mean it?

Yes, pumpkin. Trust me.

No one will ever notice it.

Okay.

Whoa-hoa-hoa, look
at the size of that zit!

Before that baby blows,

better warn the villagers
living at the base of your feet.

Bud, don't you see
that your sister's in pain?

Try to be a little
more sensitive.

Sweetheart, that
thing's not gonna leak

all over Daddy's shirt, is it?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I probably got this
from you, you know.

What else am I
gonna get from you?

What, I'm gonna wake up tomorrow
a-a-and my bed's gonna be wet

and I can't find my
jammie bottoms?

If you really wanna go on TV,

you could draw a
little face on your zit

and go on Montel
as Siamese twins.

Al?

Jefferson, can't you see

that I'm trying to comfort
my daughter here?

It's about Emma Peel.

Excuse me, pumpkin.

What's up? Well, they admitted

that they don't have an
Avengers with Emma Peel,

but they did offer a substitute.

No. No deal.

It's Peel or nothing.

It's The Three Stooges.

Oh, happy day.

Pick two.

Well, you're obviously
in good hands here.

I'm gonna go upstairs
and start my homework

before they start grabbing
each other's noses with pliers.

Too la... Too late.

Aren't you gonna
answer that? No.

I was happy. That
means it's Peg.

Well, you don't know that.

Hello? It's Mom.

Hi, Mom, I'm so glad you called.

How's everything going, honey?

It's terrible. I've
got a huge pimple.

An actual Bud Bundy
growing from my forehead.

Well, you know, Uncle Sticky's
getting outta the pen today.

You want him to make you
up a batch of his pimple potion?

I thought Uncle Sticky's potion
is what got him sent to prison

in the first place.

It did. Heh. But I thought
you were desperate.

No, no, no. I am, I am. How
soon can you get it here?

Tomorrow.

Cousin Zimo is
running a truckload

of illegal fireworks to Peoria.

I'll just have him drop
it off in the morning.

Cool. Heh-heh. PEG: You
wanna talk to Grandma?

Sure.

Hey, Dad.

Dad.

Mom's gonna send me
some homemade pimple stuff.

From Uncle Sticky, sweetheart?

Mm-hm.

You remember Uncle
Sticky's face, honey?

It's where we used
to keep our keys.

Now, pumpkin, I'm afraid

you're gonna have to
not do this commercial.

Yeah, I mean, how
much would you be losing?

Two thousand dollars.

You will do this
commercial if it kills you.

Remember, nothing ever good
ever came out of Wanker County,

and I'm including your mother.

So, now, here. Listen.

This is all the
money that I've got.

Go to a pharmacy and
get some real medicine.

Outside?

But, Dad, what if
somebody sees my pimple?

Pumpkin, it's dark. No
one's gonna see the pimple.

Oh, I guess you're right. Hm.

I guess I'm just
being, silly, huh?

Whoa, look at the
zits on the blond chick.

Thank God he didn't
see the pimple, huh?

Oh, 2 grand and
The Three Stooges.

For a dead man,
I'm awfully happy.

You know my women's
group and I are going to protest.

What? The Stooges?

Well, if you don't like 'em,

how come you keep getting
your hair cut like Moe?

Not that, you primordial ooze.

It has come to my attention

that Kelly is the new
Ice Hole Beer girl.

Now, you have done
some low things before,

but to allow your own daughter
to flaunt her body to sell beer,

that's low even for you.

Jefferson.

She's right, Al.

Marcy, let me explain
something to you:

Oh, that's very funny.

She's right, Al.

But unlike evolution, I am
not letting you off the hook, Al.

Now, can you please tell me

what a woman's body
has to do with selling beer?

All right. Number one,

if it wasn't for beer,

there'd be at least three people

who probably wouldn't
even be married.

Me...

Jefferson...

and probably, uh,
Lisa Marie Presley.

And number two,

since men buy beer,

advertisers have to cater
to what we want, and...

Hold on to your corncob pipe.

We like pretty women.

Ergo, pretty women
sell good products,

ugly women sell...

Mmm.

Tennis rackets.

Pretty women, cars.
Ugly women, mini vans.

Pretty women make us buy beer,

ugly women make us drink beer.

And if you were
any more of a pig,

kids would be putting
coins in your back.

Now, I promise you, this
will not go unanswered.

My women's group and I

will be on the Ice
Hole set to protest.

Will they be wearing
their dainty little overalls

and matching caterpillar caps?

Some will.

Will you be wearing
your usual foot odour

with matching aura of failure?

Pick two.

One, two.

Jefferson, you
don't think I'm wrong

for having Kelly
do this, do you?

Well, Al, she'll probably be
parading around half-naked

to sell cheap beer to a bunch
of leering, screaming yahoos.

You know, you're right, buddy,

it's a tough call.

You wanna go to the
nudie bar and think about it?

Okay. Yeah.

Well,

there's only one
thing left to do.

Remember,

nothing good ever came
out of Wanker County.

Yeah, but how
often are you right?

Good point.

Use our minds, not behinds
Use our minds, not behinds

Use our minds, not behinds

Use our minds, not behinds

Well, let me see. What part
are you gonna be playing?

Handsome romantic
lead or Eskimo?

Take a guess.

Welcome aboard, Nanuk.

Let's see, where's that...?

Hi, there.

You're not here for the handsome
romantic lead, are you? Heh-heh.

I don't play that at home.

Look, we're running late here.
Has anybody seen the Bundy babe?

Women are not babes.

I thought we nixed the sea
lions for this commercial.

We heard that.

Uh, listen, don't mind them.

I keyed their pickups
on the way in. Heh-heh.

I'm Al. I'm Kelly's father.

Uh, she had a blemish. It
made her a little nervous.

And, uh, against
her father's wishes,

she used some stuff
that was cooked up

by my idiot wife's
idiot relatives and, well,

there were some
mild side effects.

Oh, nothing that can't
be, you know, solved

with, uh, creative
lighting, but...

Well, you guys are the
experts, so why don't you tell me.

Uh, pumpkin.

Well, that was a short day.

This is our spokesmodel? This?

We're selling beer here,
fella, not Lucky Charms.

I need someone
gorgeous to sell this crap.

Thank you.

This should be a slam-dunk,

multi-million-dollar
discrimination lawsuit.

Discrimination suit?

Yes. I am Marcy
D'Arcy, here on behalf

of the Coalition for the
Aesthetically Challenged.

"Challenged"? Ha.

I'd say, "Defeated,
exiled and left for dead."

You mind repeating that?

As a matter of fact, I...

I do.

Anyway, you will use Kelly
in this commercial, as she is,

or we will slap the
biggest lawsuit on you

that you have ever had.

Could they possibly do that?
Sue on behalf of the ugly?

How can they win that?

Four words:

Attorney General Janet Reno.

When your wife looks like this,

you might as well
dive into an Ice Hole.

Ice Hole Beer.

When it's 2 a.m. and
you gotta do something.

Coming up next on
Business Week In Review:

The marketing geniuses behind
the successful media campaign

for Ice Hole Beer.

I'm finally on my way
to fame and fortune.

When this beer
takes off nationally

and takes Kelly
with it, I'll be rich.

Oh, you mean... You
mean we'll be rich?

Yeah. Yeah. We'll be rich.

Me and Kelly.

For once... And I'm
not afraid to say it.

Al Bundy can't lose.

Well, I was fired.

Nah. Can't win, either.

What happened?

Well,

once my hair grew back
and the beard fell off,

they said I was too pretty to
be doing beer commercials.

In fact, advertisers are so
afraid of good-looking people

that the producers
won't even touch me.

Well, they'll touch me,
they just won't hire me.

Dad.

Dad, what are we gonna
do about the money?

Well, don't worry,
we'll just ugly her up.

Now, you call Uncle Sticky,

tell him we need
something more permanent.

Sweetheart, don't
worry about a thing.

When we get done
with your face this time,

you'll be giving
warthogs dry heaves.

Oh, that's so sweet, Daddy.

But it's too late. They already
hired my ugly replacement.

Already? Who?

Well, see for yourself.

Here's the commercial.

Hello. Remember me?

Oh, my God, she's a hundred.

And she's still kicking high.