Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 9, Episode 28 - The Undergraduate - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Steak again, Peg?

Now, that's four
nights in a row.

Oh, I'm sorry, Al.

But steak is all that Kelly's
secret admirer sent over.

I thought we had a
lobster around here.

Wonder what could
have happened to it.

No drawn butter?
What do they think I am?

Uh, Bud, would you
like some crème brûlée?

No, I don't want
any crème brûlée.

Good. More for me.



Aren't you two just
the least bit curious

about who's
sending all this stuff?

I mean, some mystery guy
sees Kelly on a commercial,

and starts lavishing
us all with presents.

He could be a maniac.

Oh, Bud. Maniacs
don't send nice gifts

like roses and chocolates
and Chanel No. 5.

[CHUCKLES]

I, for one, will
not gorge myself

on my sister's misfortune.

All right, sure. Right.

Hey, guys.

Guess what my secret
admirer brought for me today.

Twelve long-stem roses.



Al, how come you
never send me roses?

I don't like you, Peg.

Anyway, Mom, I was at my
audition for Easy-Off Jeans.

You know, the jeans so tight,

you're the only one who
knows you're wearing pants?

Now, this is a
nationwide commercial.

I mean, all 13 colonies.

So naturally I
was really nervous.

Then all of a sudden
this delivery guy

brings me these flowers.

Oh.

A-any pork?

No, Daddy, but the card said

that my secret admirer is gonna
come over here today at 5:30.

Tell him to bring pork.

Dad, don't you know
what that means?

He's stalking her.

I know, I've done
this to women...

I mean... I mean, I know,

I-I watch a lot of
Eric Roberts' movies.

Budkenstein, first of all,

following your hand to bed
is not considered stalking.

And second of all,

stalkers don't invite
you to the opera.

Look.

"L.A. Boom."

That's La Bohème,
you pincushion.

Mom, are you really
gonna let Kelly go off

with a complete
and total stranger?

Look, Bud, I am a woman.

And we felines have a
way of picking the right guy.

That's why nobody
has picked you.

Now, trust me. I know a
Mr. Right when I see him.

Kelly.

Stitch, what are you doing here?

Kelly, I fear the chrome
on the ball hitch of our love

is flaking.

So tell me, you
seeing someone else?

Is there a Kelly Bundy here?

I'm Kelly Bundy.
I'm Kelly Bundy.

Thanks.

Just tell me,
Kelly. I can take it.

Are you seeing someone else?

Look, Stitch, it's
nothing personal.

It's just that I found someone

who knows how to
treat me like a lady.

Hey, when we go out to dinner,

don't I let you talk
in the clown's head?

Listen, Stitch, what my
daughter is trying to say is that

she may not be ready
for a commitment just yet.

But don't take it
personally. Hey, I like you.

And if you'd be
happy with a friendship

instead of a relationship,

you can come here
whenever you want to.

I can't believe you guys are
cleaning for a total stranger.

Hey, you find some rich guy
who keeps us knee-deep in steaks,

we'll clean for him too.

Hey, Al, I think
this thing is broken.

Uh, Peg,

unlike many of
your other devices,

that one doesn't need batteries.

See, you plug that in.

But where?

Oh, I could think of
some places, Peg.

[CAR ENGINE HUMMING]

Oh. That must be
Kelly's gentleman caller.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, Al, a limo.

Take me.

Come on. Peg, I just ate.

He's here. He's here.

I have never been
so nervous in my life.

I'm on the edge of my feet.

Kelly. Kelly. I'm gonna
try this one last time.

Please think about
what you're doing.

Okay. I'm thinking.
I'm thinking.

I'm doing.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hello, Miss Bundy. My
name is Robby Bennett,

and I believe you're
accompanying me to La Bohème.

Y-you're my secret admirer?

That's right.

Oh, you are one cool guy.

Robby, my man.

Come on in, buddy. Have a seat.

Uh, can I get you a drink?
Yoo-hoo with a Bosco back?

A soda would be cool.

And for you, little missy,

shall I warm your ba-ba?

Get away from me, demon seed.

Excuse me, Opie. Robby.

Of course.

Mom, Dad, what am I going to do?

Well, charm him and conveniently
forget to sign the prenup.

Mom?

Well, he's kind of cute.

He's a fetus.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Here you go.

Now, uh, Robby, just
between you and me,

Kelly always did
like a man in uniform.

So are you in the,
uh, Cub Scouts

or Little League or anything?

Get over here, dung beetle.

Now, what am I going to do?

Okay, just answer me
three questions, all right.

One, how funny is this?

Two, who the man?

And three, how funny is this?

Look.

Somehow, some way,
I will get you for this.

Robby? Hi.

I think we need to talk.

Isn't that cute, Al?

They want to be alone.

Maybe we should go outside.

Come on.

Kelly, before you
say anything...

Would you excuse
me for just a second?

[BANGS] [BUD YELPS]

As I was saying,

I think you're the most
beautiful girl I've ever seen.

And I'd like to take you
to my graduation dance.

Oh, Robby.

This is all... This is all
very sweet and everything

but, you see, our
love could never be.

I mean, it's a maturity thing.

I mean, what are you, like 3?

Twelve and a half.

Well, Robby, I can't
date a 12-year-old.

I mean, sure, when I was
6, but it's different now.

Do you understand?

No. I don't understand.

Well, good, I'm gla... What?

Do you think I gave you beef
and roses just to get blown off?

The Bennett family motto is:

"We see it, we want it,

we get it."

Well, the Bundy family motto is:

"It sees us, insults us,

we kick its ass."

Do you know who my dad is?

Sure. Your father.

Well, yeah.

But he also owns
Bennett Enterprises,

which owns Easy-Off Jeans.

So here's the deal.

You're on my arm at the prom
and you get the commercial.

You turn me down
and I promise you

you'll never work
in this town again.

[♪♪♪]

Bud, you're my manager.

You're supposed to be
opening up doors for me.

Now, what am I paying
you 55 percent for?

How was I supposed to know

you were gonna start
saying no to men?

All right, so you
dance with a guy

who comes up to your navel.

It'll prepare you for later
on in your showbiz career

when... When you're
dancing with Stallone or Cruise

or k.d. lang.

Well, I guess you're right.

I mean, it's obvious that
this kid has some power,

so I might as well go
to the dance with him.

There you go.

And what's the big deal, anyway?

Lots of starlets go out
with younger guys, right?

Cher, Madonna,

Liberace.

I mean, it's just a junior prom.

I can do this with
my eyes closed

and my hands tied
behind my back.

That's sort of like one of
your real dates then, right?

[BOTH LAUGH]

You're fired.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Whoa, look what Robby brought.

She's huge for a sixth-grader.

I heard her talking outside. I
think she just got held back.

I bet you they're fake.

Fun punch?

Groin kick?

Okay, Robby, this
is how it's gonna be.

You have two hours.

No talking, no touching.

And if you ever call me
your "main squeeze" again,

you will not live to
see your face clear up.

Fine. I only have one rule.

You have to dance
every dance with me.

Then do I get the commercial?

Deal. And wait till
you hear the DJ.

I found him in one of
those hip-hop dance clubs.

I hear he's slammin'.

Now...

Now, you don't mind if I,
uh, make a few adjustments

to your song list now, do you?

Hello, departing graduates
of Gale Sayers Middle School.

ALL: Hello, Principal Alburton.

Whoa, Robby. Nice catch.

[BOYS CHEERING]

And now, please welcome
tonight's happening rappin' DJ,

Rockafella.

[CHEERING]

[RECORDS SCRATCHING]

Yo, yo, yo, yo.

DJ Rockafella's in the h-ouse.

[RECORDS SCRATCHING]

Hold the bus. I
know that "h-ouse."

Uh, now, tonight, instead of
the usual fat beats and bass lines,

I thought we'd
slow it down a little

as a tribute to the
Walrus of Love,

Mr. Barry White.

[SLOW DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Let's dance.

But this is a slow song.

You said every dance.

Now, DJ Rockafella's
sending shouts out

to all the players over there

and all the fly
honeys over here.

But I'm giving mad
props to my boy Robby

and to his lady of the night.

I mean, of tonight.

[SLOW DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Bud, you've got to help me.

Hey, I would like
to, but you fired me.

And I only took this
gig to make ends meet.

Okay, okay, you're unfired.
Now, just get me out of this.

Play something fast.

Hm. Okay.

But I want 80 percent.

And... And I want a photo
of you and Robby together.

Why?

In case someday
I want 90 percent.

Okay, okay, just...

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

You know, Kelly, I have
a birthday party coming up

and I bet you look
pretty hot in a swimsuit.

I think I just might keep you.

Look, Macaulay, this is America.

And nobody owns
anybody in America.

Well, except for maybe the guy

who's married to
Anna Nicole Smith,

but you certainly do not own me.

Well, then I guess you
don't care about your career.

Not if it means kissing
your little Power Ranger butt.

You know, I have a mind
to tell your father about this.

Go ahead. My father
has no control over me.

I'm almost 13. I do and
say what I want, when I want.

And now, boys and
girls, Principal Alburton.

Uh, I'd like to introduce
a very special guest

and the power behind King Robby,

his dad, Bennett J. Bennett.

Hello, son.

Hi, Dad.

New tie?

Yup.

Same old belt though.

But we'll talk about that later.

Thanks for the
phone call, homey.

Word up.

I owe you.

Hey, listen, uh, Kelly
gets that jeans gig

and, uh, we'll call it even.

Done.

Let's go, son.

Another time-out, Dad?

[CHUCKLES]

Maybe. If the belt unravels.

Hey, thank you, Bud.

Any time, Kel.

Hope I didn't embarrass
you too much out there.

Nah. It's okay.

Really? Mm-hm.

Well, let's try this then.

Uh, now, boys and girls,

I'd like to read
a little excerpt

from Queen Easy's royal diary.

ALL: Ooh.

"November 43rd.

Today I developed a rather
embarrassing personal problem."

Won't you at least
have a pork chop, Bud?

No, I don't want any
of your tainted pork.

Does no one but me worry that
Kelly's now dating Robby's dad?

The guy's 20 years
older than her.

Are you never happy?

Thank you for taking me to
Madame Butterfly, Bennett.

It's kind of
disappointing though.

I mean, there
was no caterpillar,

there was no cocoon,

there was no struggle to
break free in the spring.

God, you're beautiful.

Oh, Al, isn't this sweet?

The sweetest.

Anyway, Kelly,
I just want to say

that I've really fallen for
you these last few weeks.

You're everything I've
ever wanted in a woman.

You're young and blond

and young.

Will you marry me?

Would you excuse
me for just a minute?

Mom, how do you know
if someone is Mr. Right?

Well, when you're with
him do you hear bells?

No.

Oh, it doesn't matter. He's
rich, marry him anyway.

Daddy, what do you think?

Gary? Yeah. Al
Bundy. Remember me?

I used to work for you
when we were poor.

Yeah, we're moving on up.

That's right, to the east side.

Well, how about it, Kelly?

Will you be my wife?

Well, I...

Kelly.

Something's still not right.

I can't shake this feeling
that there's someone else.

But in case our
love can never be,

I wanted you to have this.

[BELLS TWINKLING]

Oh, Stitch, you are much man.

Let's go.

I'm sorry, Bennett.

But as the Chinese philosopher
Unconscious once said:

"It is better to
have loved and lost

than to have never
seen Lost In Space at all."

Oh, well,

in seven years
she'd have been 30.

Think we should tell Dad?

Nah. I mean, look at him.

When will you ever see
him that happy again?

♪ Fish don't fry
In the kitchen ♪

♪ Peas don't burn on the grill ♪

[♪♪♪]