Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 9, Episode 27 - Shoeless Al - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

MAN [OVER TV]: And now
live from the Cayman Islands,

the Home Swapping Network.

Where you can swap
that old crap you bought

from some other shopping network

for some entirely
new crap from us.

And they say there's
nothing good on TV.

Hi, guys. You wanna catch a
Woody Allen movie with me?

Mm, I don't know.

Woody Allen's never
really done it for me.

But then again, I'm not
his stepdaughter, so...



[ALL LAUGH]

Oh, you know, besides,

Al, Jefferson, and
the rest of the fat pack

will be home soon from
losing their bowling semifinals.

Yeah, I wonder if they
let Bud play this year.

Why wouldn't they?

Well, he's an alternate.

Yeah, and he stinks.

Well, that's not fair. He sucks.

But... But in his
defense, he blows.

[CAR APPROACHING]

Well, here they come.

Now, if you listen
very carefully,

you can actually hear
the footfalls of failure.



[OVER BOOM BOX] ♪
We are the champions ♪

♪ My friends ♪

♪ And we'll keep on
fighting Till the end ♪

[TURNS MUSIC OFF]

Al, you won?

We are festooned and
beribboned, are we not?

"Best of Breed"?

Well, Teddy's Veterinarian
Clinic donated them.

Last year's winners got shots.

Last year's losers got neutered.

I thought you guys
were last year's losers.

Hey, speaking of neutered,

did Bud get to bowl?

Well, actually, pumpkin,

he helped us in much
more important ways.

Hi.

No, no, you guys, just
relax. Relax, I got it.

No, let me help you there, son.

Just put them down
there anywhere.

[CRASHING] [BUD SCREAMS]

That's the best damn
alternate in the league.

Well, men,

one more victory and we bring
home the Puggy Weaver Cup.

JEFFERSON: The Puggy
Weaver. MEN: Yeah!

Who's Puggy Weaver?

[ALL GASP]

Only the most honored bowler

in the history of
Jim's Bowlerama.

He's dead now.

But he symbolized the Olympian
ideal of pure competition.

How did he die?

He choked to death

trying to swallow eight waffles.

We tried to stop him at seven,

but he was going for the record.

What an athlete.

[CRIES]

Get a grip, Bob Rooney.

All right, in 10 days we
bowl for the championship,

which means we
start intense training.

Twinkies, Ding-Dongs
and beer are in.

Protect your bowling
arms at all times.

Sex before the match is out.

Unless, of course, you can
keep it secret from the wives.

[ALL LAUGH]

Lock it down!

[GRUNTS]

For the eighth and final time,

what are you morons doing?

Well... Well, ma'am,

if you had taken the time

to read page 19 of
the sports section,

beneath the high school
track-and-field results,

you would know that
we, Gary's Angels,

are bowling against
A.J.'s Casketeria next week

for the prestigious Puggy
Weaver Memorial Cup.

Good, because I thought
this was the worst puppet show

I've ever seen.

Now, what size am I?

Well, I'm no expert,

but from where I sit, I'd say

too big for shoes.

[SNICKERS]

I'll have your jobs for this.

Fine. If we can trade
for what's in your fridge.

[CHORTLES]

You know, this
wouldn't be a bad job

if people didn't come in here.

Hey, Al, do you mind
if I knock off early?

Sure. Go ahead, buddy.

But remember, no sex.

Farthest thing from my mind.

Well, I guess I'll tidy up
around here a little bit.

[SIGHS]

Of course, there's
not much you can do

with one hand up in the air.

Except put the other one up.

[SCATTING]

Al?

[MUFFLED SCREAM]

Oh, you're in the bathroom, huh?

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

Al!

Your arm is down!

[MUFFLED]

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait a second.

[SCREAMS]

What happened,
Al? Were you robbed?

No, Kathy Ireland came in here,

tied me up and we
had wild sex all night.

Cool.

Same thing happened to me.

Untie me, you moron!

Hey, Al,

your arm is down.

Hey. Hey, what happened?

Well, apparently
Kathy Ireland came...

Shut up!

Jefferson, it was awful.

Some guy came in
here and tried to rob me.

He tried to make
me open the register,

and it had been so
long I'd forgotten how.

Then he took me in
here and he tied me up

and I had to sit here all night

surrounded by shoes.

Oh, it was awful.

[GROANS]

Hey. Hey, I just had a thought.

[SNICKERS]

Have you ever heard of
stress-related illnesses?

No. What are those?

They're bull, but they've
made people millions of dollars.

All you have to do

is say that you've
been traumatized

and you can't work around
shoes anymore and then sue.

Sue? Sue who?

Everybody.

Believe me. Al,
malls across America

set aside millions of dollars

for just this type
of frivolous lawsuit.

It's the American way, Al.

And if these millions
are not spent on lawsuits,

they go to social security,
then nobody gets it.

Jefferson, I'll do it.

Damn. I wish I'd been
tied up and robbed.

Well, actually,
I did get tied up.

But I didn't get robbed.

Hey, wait a minute!

Hey, Peg, guess what.

Al, before you go to work
would you take out the trash?

No, Peg, you don't understand.

I've got something
important to tell you.

I know it's probably not
as important as Richard Bey

running around with a condom
on his head, but it's all I got.

What is it, Al?

I'm suing the mall, Peg.

All I gotta do is pretend
I'm afraid of shoes

and not get caught wearing them,

and they give me
a bunch of money.

Uh, bad news, Al.

For some ungodly reason,

they seem to be cracking
down on frivolous lawsuits.

The... The mall just
hired a private investigator.

He... He trailed me here.

I tried to shake him
at the nudie bar, and...

Uh, I... I mean, uh,

I... I got here as
soon as I could.

Look, they just wanna be sure

that you're really
afraid of shoes.

So how convincing can you be?

How convincing can I be?

Now, it may appear
that I enjoyed that...

when in actuality, I'm
choking on my own bile.

Well, you fooled me.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Oh, that's him. Okay,
remember, stay cool.

Our lives are in your feet.

That's why life stinks.

Hi, I'm Leslie Baum,
private investigator.

I represent the New Market Mall

in your frivolous
$4-million lawsuit.

Charmed.

Look, Bundy, I'll
tell you straight out:

I think you're a fraud.

Oh, yeah?

Well, with a name like
Leslie, I think you're a sissy.

What was that?

"Come on in. Stay a
week and try to disprove

my cockamamie
little shoe story"?

Don't mind if I do.

Hey, Baum, you can't
just barge in here.

[DOOR CLOSES] Well,
why don't you just put on

your shoes and kick me out?

You're damn right I will!

Uh... Ahem.

Will not.

Because...

I'm afraid of shoes, you see?

Tell you what, Mr. Bundy.

You have one week to convince
me that you are afraid of shoes.

I have one week to prove
that you're the biggest fool alive.

Right now, my money's on me.

So feeling lucky, Bundy?

Let's rock.

MAN [OVER TV]: Today on Geraldo:

People who survived
being on Jenny Jones.

Mrs. Bundy, I
couldn't help but notice

that you're really
attached to your TV.

Oh, I'm sorry. I
didn't hear you.

My TV was talking.

You know, if you're
willing to help me out here,

there just might be a
40-incher in it for you.

Mr. Baum.

I meant a big-screen TV.

You mean, you
want me to sell out

the man that I've
been married to for...?

Ooh, is that
picture in a picture?

Mm-hm.

Uh...

[SIGHS]

well, I can't. I won't.

I'm telling you, Mr. Baum,
Al really is afraid of shoes.

Look, Mrs. Bundy, I can
spot a liar a mile away,

and I'll prove it.

For instance, take
your son there.

Looks like he's reading,

but if you'll notice,
his eyes aren't moving.

That usually denotes that
he's looking at a picture.

From the little beads of
sweat on his forehead,

I think it folds out.

He should be heading
upstairs any time now.

Al, you gotta be careful.

This guy is good.

Don't worry, Peg, all I gotta
do is go three more days.

If I can serve 20
years with you, I can...

I can handle 72
hours with squirrel boy.

Al, quick, grab the bags.

They moved the
finals to tonight.

Zounds!

Well, we better hurry.
Bud, ready our balls!

Men, to the alley.

BAUM: Uh,

one little problem,
though, Mr. Bundy.

Don't you usually bowl in shoes?

He's right, Al.

It's time to ooslay the amscay.

Huh?

He said, "Lose the scam."

It's not a scam.
Don't worry, men.

I know a way to get my
4 million and the Puggy.

Al Bundy will not fail.

I wonder if Bundy and the
shoe flies are even gonna show.

I don't know.

In the high-pressured
world of shoe sales,

you just don't wake up and go.

[LAUGHS]

[OVER BOOM BOX] ♪
We are the champions ♪

♪ My friends ♪

♪ And we'll keep on
fighting Till the end ♪

Wait a minute. Who's
bringing their work home?

Oh, it's just Bundy
with no shoes on.

That's cute, Milt.

How's business?

Dig up a new wife?

Come on. Whoa, come on.

We'll settle this on
the alley of honor.

Fine, Bundy. We're
gonna bury you.

And then we're
gonna steal your watch.

Let's bowl, dead boys.

[JEFFERSON CHORTLES]

Okay. So, Al,

what's this brilliant
master plan that can't fail?

I am going to bowl

barefoot.

And?

That's it.

Well, that's better
than nothing.

That is nothing.

Don't worry about it.

This championship
is as good as ours.

[CHUCKLING]

You need shoes!

Why can't I bowl barefoot?

Because we had a guy in
here who bowled barefoot,

fell, got a splinter, and
sued us for $1.5 million.

So the new rule
is, you need shoes.

What are we gonna do?

Well, we're gonna have
to go with our alternate.

Bud.

But he stinks.

He's my son!

Don't you think I
know he stinks?

But he's a Bundy.

I'll give him a pep
talk, he'll bowl fine.

Bud boy. Mm.

I need to talk to you, son.

Oh, what?

Someone need to wipe their
hands on the back of my shirt?

Son, you remember that time

you didn't make the
Little League team

and you came home crying

and I said it was okay
because you did your best?

Yeah.

Well, that was a crock.

I was ashamed of you then
and remain so to this day.

But I'm gonna give
you a second chance.

I need you to bowl. I
need you to bowl well.

I need you to win.

Can you do that for your pa?

I haven't bowled
for a while. I don't...

He's in!

All right! Yes! [ALL LAUGH]

Go take a practice throw, son.

You see, that's the good
thing about being a Bundy.

Even though the chips may
be down and things look bad,

every time we... Incoming!

God, you stink!

Look, Bundy, I like you,

so I took the liberty of
securing you a pair of these.

Why, those are Air
Earl Anthony 5000s.

The finest bowling shoes made.

Put them on.

Don't do it, Al.
It's $4 million.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Let the games begin.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

[QUEEN'S "WE WILL
ROCK YOU" PLAYING]

♪ We will, we will Rock you ♪

♪ We will, we will Rock you ♪

♪ Buddy you're a
boy Make a big noise ♪

♪ Playing in the street Gonna
be a big man someday ♪

♪ You got mud on your
face You big disgrace ♪

♪ Kickin' your can
All over the place ♪

♪ Singing we will
We will rock you ♪

♪ We will, we will Rock you ♪

♪ We will, we will Rock you... ♪

Now, son, listen
to me very carefully.

Last frame.

We're down by nine.

You have two shots to
knock all 10 pins down,

and we win.

Can you do it, son?

Dad, I'm a little
rusty. I don't...

Piece of cake!

BOB: Come on, Bud. Come on.

JEFFERSON: Okay, Bud. Okay.

Whatever you do,
don't leave a split.

Gee, I wonder what's
gonna happen now.

Yes. He left a 6-7-10.

He'll never be able to
pick up the 6-7-10. We won.

We're resurrected. Thank you.

AL: Stop!

[THEME FROM 2001: A
SPACE ODYSSEY PLAYING]

Daddy's got a new pair of shoes.

ALL: Yes! Yes!

Yes!

You're the man.

[LAUGHING]

Look, Peggy, the Puggy.

Can you feel the excitement?

No, Al.

As usual, when you're
excited, I feel nothing.

Yeah, it's... It's the
4 million, isn't it?

Why did you do it, Al?

Why did you snuff out any
hope at all for a better life?

Well, it's a guy
thing, Peg. I...

couldn't let a couple of bucks
come between me and my friends.

They wouldn't talk to me
anymore and then I'd just have...

you.

Hey, Al, hurry up.

The winner's ball is starting.

Oh, and Griff has already
eaten the crust off all the pies.

[CACKLES] [LAUGHS]

Oh, Peg, could life be better?

Oh.

Sadly,

pathetically,

no.

♪ We are the champions ♪

♪ My friends ♪

♪ And we'll keep on
fighting Till the end ♪

♪ We are the champions ♪

[♪♪♪]