Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 9, Episode 26 - Radio Free Trumaine - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

[FISHING LINE WHOOSHING,
WATER SPLASHING]

Bud, um,

you said tonight was
going to be special

but all we've done
is watch bass fishing.

April, this is special.

This is Bassapalooza.

Okay, I admit it.

I had another reason for
asking you here tonight.

Will you go with me Friday to
the spring formal at Trumaine?

That'd be great. You
don't have to apologize.



I don't even know why...

You'll go?

Yeah.

Well, why?

Bud, I've liked you
from the first time

you walked up to my
window at Mrs. D'Arcy's bank.

I could tell you weren't
one of those jerks

who carries a roll of
quarters in their pocket

just to impress me.

How immature.

One thing, though. Do not tell
Mrs. D'Arcy about the dance.

Friday she's giving me
my final teller-trainee exam.

If she hears I'm gonna
ditch it, she'll kill me.

I won't say a word.



See you on Friday? Yeah.

♪ I did it, Buck ♪

♪ I got a date, boy ♪

You call that a date?

Meet me and the
Johnson's schnauzer

behind the 7-Eleven tonight
and I'll show you a date.

Daddy, thank you
for a great meal.

Yep, I love the Beef Bistro.

I mean, how many places are
left if you don't want the vegetable

they substitute another steak?

Now, Al, don't go to sleep.

You know our deal.

When you get beef, I get beef.

Peg, when you get beef,

I get the heebie-jeebies.

Mom, I have big news.

I just asked April
to my spring formal.

And she said no.

Honey, you don't
have to explain.

It's okay.

What you need right now is
a... A nice hot cup of cocoa.

Al, make the boy some cocoa.

[SNORING]

Well, I guess you're
not getting any cocoa.

But then again, I'm
not getting any beef.

Mom, where you going?

Upstairs to get some
Hamburger Helper.

[♪♪♪]

This is Oliver Cole...
And Mark Campbell.

Here on the voice
of Trumaine College,

W-H-I-P Radio.

And for those of you
on the football team,

that spells "whip."

[WHIP CRACKING]

And this is The
Mark and Oliver Show

where our motto is, "Together,

we're still not as fat
as Rush Limbaugh."

[LAUGHING]

Now, remember, we're gonna
be giving away free limo service

to this Friday's spring formal

to the student with the most
pathetic reason for wanting it.

[PHONE RINGS]

You're on the air.

BUD [ON PHONE] Yeah,
this is Bud Bundy, I'm...

Bud Bundy?

We have our winner.

[DINGS]

Now remember to tune in
Saturday for our informative interview

with Trumaine's new dean.

Informative? Hell, it's
gonna be pure sleaze.

We've dug up enough
dirt on this mystery man

to make a luau pit
for Anna Nicole Smith.

We have?

Yes. We have.

Oh.

Ohh. [CHUCKLES]

Mark, you can't slander
the dean like this.

You could get expelled.

You're right. Where the heck
would I be without you? Thanks.

Remember, folks, my partner
Oliver will be dissing the dean

right after the Trumaine
basketball game,

featuring the debut of our
Chechen superstar centre,

Nickolai Pushkin.

He's big. He's
bad. He's a commie.

Guess what. He's right here.

Hey, Nickolai,

Mark didn't mean anything
by that commie crack.

Guys, I need help. I have
painful female problem.

I hear cranberry juice will
clear that little puppy up.

No, I mean, I have
trouble with girl I date.

She is so cute.

Such good teeth.

Uh, you said "teeth," right?

Yes. Breasts are a dime a dozen.

Good teeth are hard to find.

But I find out my girl go to
spring formal with other guy.

What I should do?

You should forget
about her, Nickolai.

I mean, look at you, man.

You're the biggest
hunk in Chicago.

You should be
bagging more panties

than a clerk at
Victoria's Secret.

Or if you don't wanna be
popping penicillin for life

you ask your special
girl if she'll go steady

and hope she says yes.

Oh, she will.

Next time you see Nickolai,

he will be going
steady with April.

[GRUNTS]

Later, radio dudes.

Do they let everybody
into this country?

Why, hello, Dean Rhoades.

Hello, boys, I just
heard your show.

[LAUGHS]

You thought it was funny?

Not remotely.

Before I came here, I
looked up your grades.

Now, that's entertainment.

[LAUGHING]

Look, this is gonna be
my first radio interview

at this college and I don't want

you future fry
cooks to screw it up.

That's why I'm here.

Well, that and the
cheerleader tryouts

in the quad.

So before they get
to the cartwheels

I wanna give you the spontaneous
questions you'll be asking me.

You want us to do
a sham interview?

We may only be students,
but we have principles.

Me too.

Never be late for
cheerleader tryouts.

[MARCHING BAND PLAYING]

Oh, and it's windy too.

Yowza!

PEG: All right.

Say, "Toes."

TOGETHER: Toes.

Why toes?

Well, in Wanker County,
that's where cheese comes from.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

That's our limo.

April,

tonight you are my queen.

And the man on the
other side of this door

is our humble lackey.

You're driving a limo?

It was Marcy's idea.

She promised I'd be rubbing
shoulders with major celebs.

So far, it's just been a
bunch of horny college boys

who think it'll help
them get lucky.

What a... What a crock.

Does it work? Yep.

Especially when they, uh...

When they tip me
to run out of gas

just as a good Barry
White song comes on.

Cool.

April,

tonight I'm gonna
sweep you off your feet.

[GRUNTS]

Thank you, Mr. D'Arcy.

Hey, remember our deal.

You won't tell Mrs.
D'Arcy where I was tonight

and I won't tell her
you slow-danced

with the homecoming queen.

Where am I?

Is the dance over?

It is for you.

Did I... Did I have a good time?

Sure, if you consider
having one beer

and passing out in the
refreshments a good time.

Bud,

while you were hurling

picante sauce into the ficus,

Nickolai asked me to go steady.

Nickolai Pushkin?

The basketball player
with the huge feet?

I knew I'd never have a shot

at going steady with you.

You wanna go steady?

Yeah.

Yeah, I do.

So... So, what do you say?

I say...

before I commit to either of you

I need some time to think.

Okay, I understand.

We all have to be
adults about this.

By the way, Russians
have tails, you know.

Look it up.

Okay, boys, remember:

Stick to my prepared questions
and you'll live long enough

to graduate and move
back home with your parents.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Ready?

This is Oliver and Mark,
live with Dean Rhoades.

What up, collegians?

[DINGS]

So tell me, dean,

"how does it feel
to be so powerful

and yet so damned good-looking?"

Feels good. Feels damn good.

April, before my
post-game radio program

I must find a way to show you
how much you mean to Nickolai.

Nickolai, you sent me flowers?

Oh.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

These flowers are from me, Bud.

You see, the card
reads, "I love you truly."

[IN RUSSIAN ACCENT]:
Not, "Nice kitty, rough tongue."

Bud.

April, I need to know.

Do we go steady,

or must I nail many
cheap sluts to forget you?

April, I mean...

April...

I need to know.

Are we gonna go steady,

or must I watch many cheap
sluts on Baywatch to forget you?

Well.

There you are, young lady.

You have been dodging
my calls since last night.

Now, how do you explain
skipping the teller exam

to go to a party with Bud?

Well, I skipped the teller exam

to go to a party with Bud.

Look, April, you cannot
be a successful banker

if all you think about is men.

[PANTING]

You have to find yourself first,

and then you can
look for a boyfriend

or Bud.

Now, come with me, I'll
give you a makeup exam.

Oh, my God, that's
my ex-husband.

That's Steve.

For our next spontaneous
question, dean, uh,

"Was it your impressive
résumé that got you this job

or your penetrating blue eyes?"

It was a ragout of
eyes and résumé,

with a dash of rapier wit.

Please, I did some checking.

Two months ago,
you were the chauffeur

for the college president.

How do you explain
your meteoric rise?

That's not one of the
spontaneous questions.

I don't suppose it
had anything to do with

this picture you took of
said president showing his,

uh, school spirit
to the team mascot.

This interview is over.

Consider yourselves expelled.

You will never study
in this town again.

Steven Bartholomew Rhoades.

Oh, no.

I can't believe you are
pushing 18-year-olds around.

What will you do for an encore?

I think I'll look at
our wedding photos

and try to find your breasts.

Well, you're gonna
have to look pretty hard

because they're hidden under
your gorgeous cousin's hands.

You're not gonna let my ex
get away with this, are you?

Of course not. We're
gonna go about our lives

as if none of this
ever happened.

Hello, Starbucks?
You got any openings?

Yeah, well, in the '60s,
we would have protested

this kind of injustice.

You know, bar the
doors. Seize the mikes.

Tear the roof off this sucker.

What do you say, Mark?

I'm not sure. I might have to go
to coffee school in the morning.

That's a yes.

Well, what are we waiting
for? To the airwaves.

Honest students

and scum-sucking administrators.

Two righteous bros
have been expelled

just for exposing the truth,
which we have proof of.

So we have
liberated this station,

and we will broadcast non-stop
until they are back in school,

and ex-limo flunky Steve Rhoades

admits he's a weenie.

Steve Rhoades, give
in to our demands now.

The students have
been mobilized.

You are surrounded.

So these are your radicals?

Odd.

I don't hear anyone chanting,

"Attica, Attica."

Attica! Attica!

One guy.

Don't worry. They will come.

One guy.

Shall we discuss the
terms of our surrender?

No, Mrs. D'Arcy,
this is my fight.

Well, actually it's your fight,

I just stupidly
got caught up in it.

But I'm ready to take it.

I'm gonna light up
these phone lines.

That's great. That gives
me time to get a gas mask

and a mocha latte.

Students, faculty,

people whose
radio dials are stuck.

Let me quote for you the bylaws

of our besieged radio station.

In article B, section two:

"Procedures for
Binding Arbitration."

He's killing us.

Yeah, well, you should
see him on a date.

Look, why don't you stay
here while I think of a way

to get our audience excited.

Solid.

I just don't know who
to choose. I mean...

Nickolai, you're so strong

and, Bud,

you're so cute.

Is Nickolai not cute?

Oh, yes.

And my body melts

from your searing kisses.

Pursuant to FCC code 117-V,

paragraph six.

OLIVER: But I don't
have to tell you that.

What about my kisses?

They sear.

You can ask anybody I've kissed.

Ask, um...

Ask, uh...

Your mother?

Let's do it, punk.

I accept your apology.

They have come!

Get out of here.

What's the matter
with you people?

April.

Before I met you,

a hot date was when
my rubber woman

got her thigh stuck
on the radiator.

In Chechnya, we can't
afford rubber woman.

We have to draw
happy face on inner tube.

Hey, I don't blame you.

I've seen Russian women.

As long as you say you're sorry.

BUD [OVER RADIO]:
April, I'm 21 years old,

and I've only had
sex four times.

APRIL: You told me
you've been involved

with hundreds of women.

But they weren't real...

ly important to me.

Like you are.

Uh, Mr. Bud?

Hey, you'll get your
shot, Hoop Dreams.

April, please choose me.

I'm tired of sitting
home Saturday nights

moaning in two different voices
so my sister won't tease me.

Bud.

What is it?

We are on the air.

Yes, you are.

Of course.

You've been listening
to Hot Talk With...

April. With April.

And if you'd like to keep
this type of program on the air,

call the station or better yet,

come down here and
get in Dean Rhoades' face.

April, will you, uh, take
some calls for us here?

You're on the air with April.

Hi, my name is Sandy,

and I really think you
should choose Nickolai.

Thank you. Next.

Uh, yeah, my name's Jill,

and I think you
should choose Bud.

Thank you.

You're on Hot Talk.

Yeah, hi. My name
is Kelly Bundy,

and I think you
should choose Nickolai.

[GRUMBLING]

Look, Nick, Bud, I know
you want my answer,

but it's such a
hard choice. I mean,

if I choose Nick,

I would be the envy
of every girl in Chicago.

If I choose Bud,

Nick would beat you
to a bloody stump.

I wouldn't care.

Oh, you would care.

The people are with us.

We've raised their
consciousness.

Power to the people!

Power to the people! Yeah!

Take off your shirt!

[ALL LAUGHING]

Well, guys, I think Mrs. D'Arcy

may just be right.

I mean, maybe I
need to find myself

before I find a boyfriend.

Do you understand?

Perfectly.

What did she say?

She's dumping us both, man.

Let's go have a beer.

Okay.

But an O'Doul's for you,

little friend.

[CHANTING]: Hot
Talk, Hot Talk, Hot Talk!

Well, it's working.

They're hanging
the dean in effigy.

That's not effigy.

They're really stringing him up.

I've decided, out of my
own sense of decency,

to give into your demands.

Mark and Oliver
are back at school

and on the radio station.

But you have not heard

the last of me.

April, I heard what you
said about me being right.

So I guess this means
you want to be a banker?

Not exactly.

I wanna go to Trumaine
and work at this radio station.

But you've only done
that for five minutes.

And look, I'm really good at it.

Fine. Then I'll just find
someone else to work under me.

Oh, Nickolai!

And the fact that Trumaine
is a land-grant college

protects the station's
freedom of speech,

along with assembly,
Oliver. Oliver.

Religion... Oliver,
you can stop now.

Dean Rhoades has given in.

You mean, I did it. I won.

I moved them with
my compelling oratory?

Yeah, you're the man.

Guess what else?

Our little radio station has
found an audience, my friend.

You know what that
means? We are a hit.

Well, this is...
This is great news.

But now that we have power,

we must be careful
not to abuse it.

Oh, we won't.

This is Mark Campbell.

This is Oliver Cole.

And this is April Adams.

Tune in tomorrow, when
we'll make surprise phone calls

to wives of professors
who sleep with students.

We have names. We have numbers.

We have...

arrived.

[WHIP CRACKS]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]