Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 9, Episode 21 - Something Larry This Way Comes - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Uh, hello. Shop at Home Network?

Yeah, I'd like to order
your NYPD Blue naked-butt

salt and pepper shakers.

Mom. Don't you
think you should wait

until Dad actually gets the
raise before you spend it all?

Bud, if I waited to have things

till your father
could afford them,

you'd still be on layaway.

Besides, I have a very
good feeling about this.

♪ I'm in the money ♪



[HUMMING]

No raise, right, Al?

That's right, Peg.

And to prove that every
dark cloud has a silver bullet

my boss, Gary,

put both me and
Griff on commission.

Commission?

So you mean our budget
is now just a percentage

of shiny rocks and sticks?

Thanks for that unwavering
vote of confidence, son.

Now, Peg, since you were
the one who badgered me

to ask Gary about the raise,
let's hear some of your ideas

to keep the cash flow
coming into the house.

Duh?



Well, I'll take that
under advisement.

But as usual, I have a plan.

Good. Just as long as
it's not one of those stupid

midnight madness sales.

You know, where the employees

dress up in those
ridiculous costumes

that have nothing to do
with what they're selling.

[PEG LAUGHS]

Oh.

Bud, your father would never
do something stupid like that.

So Al, what's your idea?

I'm not telling you.

Hey, Mom, Bud, listen.

I have been named
student of the month

at the Larry Storch
School of Acting. Ha-ha.

Oh, honey, I couldn't be
more proud of you. Ha-ha.

[QUIETLY] Who's Larry Storch?

He played Corporal Agarn
on the TV show F Troop.

Was he the one with the big...?

No, no, no.

That was Forrest Tucker.

And not only do I win
dinner with Mr. Storch

but I get to do a
scene with him onstage

in front of very
important producers.

Larry and I are gonna be
a team, you know, like...

Like Wally and the Beavis.

Kelly, w-what producer
worth his cellular phone

would give a tinker's damn
about you and Larry Storch?

Larry Storch?

Did I hear somebody
say Larry Storch?

Yup. That's right, Daddy.

The Larry Storch is coming
over here for dinner. Hee-hee.

Everybody's favorite
corporal? Yeah.

Coming here to my
least favorite place?

Oh, finally the rewards
of a righteous life.

[LAUGHS]

What is the big fuss about
this Corporal Egg-Roll guy?

Corporal Agarn, you
blasphemous heathen.

See, you don't understand
the genius of the man.

See, in F Troop,

when one of the idiots in his
regiment would make him mad,

he'd go walking over to
him, like only he could walk,

and give him a good whack
on the head with his hat.

You just don't see that anymore.

There's a lot of things
I don't see anymore.

Especially if they're more
than 100 feet from the couch.

When's he coming?

Next Tuesday night.

Gadzooks.

That's the same time as my
midnight-madness shoe sale.

That's, uh, if... If
I was having one.

Well, all right, I'll just
make Griff do everything.

Sweetheart. Yeah.

I've got to have a picture of
Larry hitting me with his hat.

Do we have any film?

Heh. Besides the
one on your teeth?

Oh, if only I had a hat

with a big rock in it.

Tell me again what werewolves
have to do with shoes?

Again?

Wolves.

Night.

Moon.

Shoes.

See, wolves are nocturnal.

They hunt at night.

Hence, wolves.

Night.

Moon. Shoes. Moon. Shoes.

Now back up, you're about to see

the midnight madness
shoe sale at its ugliest.

And perhaps...

Perhaps, at its fattest.

[WIND WHISTLING]

You know, if these were
real, I'd rip you to shreds.

Hurry up, Kelly.

Mr. Scorch will be
here any minute.

Oh, Mom.

I am so excited. I
mean, just imagine,

me and Larry Storch
on the stage together.

Tonight,

I become a lesbian.

I think you mean
a thespian, dear.

Yeah, well, the
reviews aren't in yet.

So how do I look?

Oh, like a, uh, limited-edition,

condom-packing Barbie.

Bud, you look nice. Oh,
hey, by the way, can you say:

"You'll never get me, Batman."

[QUACKING]

You wanna make fun of me?
You wanna make fun of me?

[ALL SHOUTING]

Kids, kids, stop it.

No fighting.

That's what your father is for.

Mom, I'm just trying
to make her understand

that this whole Larry
Storch School of Acting thing

is a fraud.

Just like the Larry
Storch School of Karate.

Or... Or the Larry
Storch School of Heating

and Air Conditioning Repair.

Larry Storch is not a fraud.

Now, before I started
his acting school,

I was untrained, I
was undisciplined,

I was "un" a bunch of things.

But since I've been studying
at his wise and wonderful feet,

I now can soar with the beagles.

I... I am a moth

and Larry Storch is my flame.

You know, she's one small
step from selling Watchtower.

[CAR ENGINE HUMMING]

Oh, there's your
father and his Dodge.

No, no, that's Larry
Storch and his Dodge.

Now, listen, Bud, tonight is
very, very important to me.

Just try to treat
him with the respect

a man of his stature
deserves, okay?

Hi.

Anybody wanna buy a Dodge?

One owner, one gear,

$1.

One bullet.

[LAUGHS]

Hi, Mr. Storch. I'd
like to introduce you

to my lovely family,

but we'll just go
with what's here.

Um, this is my mom, Peggy.

How do you do? How
do you do, Mr. Storch?

I just loved you in, uh, D Cup.

That's F Troop.

Oh, and this is our dog,

Buck, over here. Ah, charming.

Oh. There's our favorite
clock. Oh, look at that.

Oh, and here's the
hat my dad bought

so you could hit him
over the head with it.

Oh, and, uh, here's our
favourite can opener...

Ahem! Um,

and there's my brother, Bud.

Oh.

The kid with the rubber woman.

[LAUGHS]

Kelly did a brilliant,
brilliant monologue in class

depicting your
sad, pathetic life.

I laughed, I cried.

And now that I meet
you, I'm laughing again.

Well, if I could just borrow
some jumper cables,

why, we can get
this show on the road.

Uh, not just yet.

You see, my husband
really wants to meet you

and he's still at work.
He's a huge fan of yours.

Really? Uh-huh.

Well, in his defense,
he's also a shoe salesman.

So when's the old shoe
slinger coming home?

Well, you see, he's
having this madness sale.

You know: wolf, night, moon,

moron.

He's probably just in a
selling frenzy right now.

[BUG BUZZING]

[BUZZING STOPS] [GAGS]

[PHONE RINGING]

I'll get it.

I ate a fly.

Well, deal with it.

Hello?

Al, it's me.

Uh, Larry from G Spot is here.

Great, Peg. Keep him there.

Well, all right.
But, honey, hurry.

Oh, and on your way home do
you think you could pick me up

some of those little...

Griff, the Agarn has landed.

I gotta get home.

But what if we get a customer?

Well, don't be silly. Who's
gonna come in here?

We're dressed like wolves.

No one is gonna stop me
from meeting my TV hero.

Uh, Al, uh, Gary.

Gary's not gonna keep
me from meeting him either.

See, you know
what your trouble is?

You're afraid of the boss.

Yeah. Just because
Gary's built like a man

it doesn't mean
she can hit like one.

Let her come in
here and sell shoes.

I'm o-o-out of here!

Please don't fire me.

Uh, Mr. Storch, that was Al.

Something's come
up at the shoe store

and he wants us to
bring you down there.

Wait. But, Mom,
we gotta rehearse.

I mean, after dinner,
we're doing our big scene

from Phantom of the Opera.

Kelly, the very
first rule of acting:

Never disappoint your public.

No, actually, that's the
second rule of acting.

The first rule is

never have the chile
relleno before you do Hamlet.

Well, where's Al working?

Maybe we can just stop by
and see him before dinner.

Uh, no. Then he'll
want to eat with us.

I know what we'll do.

We'll all go out to dinner,

then Bud will take
you down to meet Al,

and Kelly and I will
go on to the theatre.

Oh, gee, thanks, Ma.

Can I pick you up a nice big
box of panty shields while I'm out?

Well, you know, now that
you mention it, I actually...

Kelly, to get to the theater,

you must first go through the
Larry Storch School of Acting,

and then you must proceed

through the Larry Storch
Performing Art Center.

So you mean crawl
through the vent

into the old movie
house next door?

Bingo.

Isn't this exciting?

And I thought the
theater was dead.

No, no. It just smells that way.

But you'll get used to it.

So this is really today's take?

Actually, ma'am,
that's yesterday's take.

We were gonna
bring it to the bank,

but they have a 50-cent
minimum deposit.

Luckily we haven't taken
our commission out yet.

Which, of course,
we're going to plough

right back into the business.

I did not amass my
considerable personal fortune

by giving up.

I am determined to
turn this place around

and I'll tell you why.

Years ago, in my
first business venture

I went with what I
thought was the sure thing.

But it turned out that
my partner was a shyster.

I lost my shirt.

You still had your
bra, didn't you?

Shut up.

From that day forward,

I vowed two things:

One, that I would never again
have a failing business venture.

And two, I would
exact my revenge

from the guy that ripped me off.

Uh, what kind of
business was it?

The Larry Storch
School of Heating

and Air Conditioning Repair.

Larry Storch is in the house.

Hit the deck.

Oh!

Oh, this is great.
This is great.

What are we gonna do now?

Don't worry about it.

Give him to me.

Bring him over here.

What are we gonna do?
Give him mouth-to-mouth?

No, no, no. You are.

But first, take our picture.

Come on, Dad. Forget
about Larry Storch.

This is Kelly's big night.
She's waiting at the theater.

You gotta do the
right thing, Dad.

And I intend to.

What right thing?

[GRUNTS]

Oh.

So glad you could join us.

Oh, we're thrilled to be here.

Yeah. Wild horses couldn't
have dragged us away.

I'd be happy if one kicked
me in the head right about now.

Well, it's about
time you showed up.

Hey, where's Larry?

Uh, well, he... He's
in his dressing room.

You just go get
ready, all right?

Okay.

I am so excited.

Today, Chicago.
Tomorrow, Saturday.

Here.

Bud, what took you so
long at the shoe store?

Uh, nothing, nothing.

Everything's fine.

You did leave the car
running, didn't you?

[FEEDBACK SQUEALING ON PA]

MAN [ON PA]:
Ladies and gentlemen,

the Larry Storch Players present

A Larry Storch
production of Larry Storch's

Phantom of the Opera,

coming to you in
Surround Storch.

Starring Larry Storch

and his student of the
month, Ms. Kelly Bundy.

[CROWD APPLAUDS]

[WOLF WHISTLES]

Heh. Thanks.

[WITH SOUTHERN ACCENT] Of
all the opera joints in all the world,

he had to walk into mine.

I care not

that his face
stoppeth a clocketh.

'Tis the heart that
beats 'neath the face

that I desire to see.

I would not forsake
you, O my ghostly one.

I shall search for the E.

BUD: That's "thee," you idiot.

Oh. I shall search for thee,

you idiot.

Well, I think I'll go get
some refreshments.

You will stay here
and you will like it.

Now, Larry's about to come on.

[WITH SOUTHERN ACCENT] If
only I wasn't hideously disfigured.

I can't believe
Christine could love me.

I'll just sit here

and play with my organ.

Th... This one.

Is it...? Is it me,

or has Larry turned
into a beaten-down,

defeated old man?

Now, that is the
power of a great actor.

You can almost smell his plight.

[SNIFFS]

Smells like feet.

[WHISPERS] Larry.

Larry, you're
supposed to play here.

[PLAYING "CHARGE" ON ORGAN]

Charge!

Sit down.

[NORMAL VOICE] There he is.

I shall now unmask him.

Verily, I would love
to show you my face,

but I cannot.

I haveth a headache.

But, Phantom, I must unmask you.

It doth further our love

[QUIETLY] and my career.

So oose-lay the asketh-may.

[GRUNTS]

No can doeth-ay.

[GRUNTS]

Come on. Give me
the mask. Nay, I say.

Ow!

KELLY: Give me the damn mask.

[GRUNTING]

[GROWLS] [GASPS]

Tail. Moons.

Feet.

Al.

Wait. Mr. Storch.

That's the emergency exit.

No.

[ALARM RINGING]

MAN [ON PA]:
Ladies and gentlemen,

the police will be
arriving shortly.

Please exit single file
through the decorative grate.

We hope you enjoyed
your theater experience.

Well, Daddy, it was really
nice of you to try to help me.

I mean, it would have been
nicer if you had succeeded,

but at least it shows you care.

Well, you're not mad at
me 'cause I screwed up?

Mm. Not really. I mean,
Mom and Bud probably are

because you wouldn't
front them the 35 bucks

to spring them from jail.

And Larry Storch probably is,

'cause he got knocked out.

And the D'Arcys
probably are, but...

Oh, pumpkin, enough
with the pep talk, now.

You know who I really
feel bad for, though, is Griff.

I'd go down there
and help him out,

but it's late

and I'm dodging an APB.

[WOMEN SHOUTING]

That's right. Step right up.

Have your picture taken
with TV legend Larry Storch.

Larry Storch was
always my favorite.

Every day I watched and
hoped he'd get off the island.

I was a big fan.

Who wasn't?

All right, everybody smile.

[♪♪♪]