Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 9, Episode 20 - Ship Happens: Part 2 - full transcript

The Bundys ocean cruise takes a turn for the worse when their ship sinks and they are stranded on a life raft in the middle of the ocean with the D'Arcys, a fat woman, and comedian Gilbert Gottfried. Meanwhile, Kelly and Bud endure the media circus that comes to their house asking about their missing parents.

[♪♪♪]

BUCK: Previously on
Married with Children:

The family who never
feeds me won a vacation.

Oh, it's not so bad.

No, it's like 20,000
Leagues Under the Sea.

Except I'm married
to the giant squid.

Exacerbating the situation
was the fact that by day

the cruise was geared towards
women who ate like mastiffs.

[♪♪♪]

But by night...

Al was happy for a
brief moment until...



I can't go out in
public like this.

No, honey. No, you
can't, sweetheart.

I know you can't...

Come on, Jefferson.

You can't go either.

Why? My hair
don't look like crap!

[CRYING]

And if that shipwreck
wasn't enough,

get a load of this one.

Oh, my God,
we're really sinking?

Oh, come on.

If we were sinking,

you think I could look
in this porthole and see

fish!



And now back to
Buck, King of All Dogs.

Also known to humans
as Married With Children.

Did I thank you for inviting
me on this cruise, Peg?

Well, as a matter
of fact, you haven't.

Oh. Then maybe a simple stake
through the heart would suffice.

All right, look,

this is no time to
turn on each other.

We're alone in the
middle of the ocean.

It's a perfect time
to turn on each other.

Why don't you look
on the bright side.

It's a balmy summer
day, we're on vacation.

Well, now we know who
we're going to eat first.

Dibs on the thighs.

Look, you cookie-aisle
of a woman.

If you hadn't gnawed
through 12 inches of bulkhead

to inhale some jerk chicken,
none of us would be here.

So if anyone's gonna feed
on my husband's dead thighs,

it's gonna be me.

Thanks, gumdrop.

I can't stand this
for one minute more.

Oh, come on, Al. It's
a perfectly calm sea.

It's not the sea, Peg. It's...

Gilbert Gottfried.

So I'm on a cruise.
My agent says to me:

"Go on a cruise. You
don't have to follow Sinbad.

And you don't have
to follow Carrot Top.

And you get to eat
with the captain."

So am I eating with the
captain? Am I eating?

Am I even on a cruise anymore?

Somebody get my agent!

Somebody get my spear gun.

[LAUGHS]

I think he's funny.

Make it two spear guns.

So, what do we do now?

We bob around in the sea

until the sun bakes
us like cookies.

Cookies?

Quiet, sea hags.

Now, first thing we have
to do is pick a leader.

Who knows the
most about the sea?

David Hasselhoff.

Okay, Gilbert's disqualified.

Anyone else?

Oh, what difference
does it make?

We're just gonna wind up with

sea gulls pecking out
our salt-encrusted eyes.

Thank you, Kathy Lee Gifford.

Well, you know, Al really
doesn't know much about the sea.

So I think we're gonna have to...
Excuse me, Loch Ness Hairdo.

I know two things about the sea.

Number one, when you
flush, it ends up here.

And two, I watched all 3000
episodes of Gilligan's Island.

How do you find the time?

I don't have sex with you.

All right, then it's decided.

Al's captain.

Well, captain, now what?

Well, as my first official act,

I'm declaring my
marriage null and void.

And secondly, I think we
should strike out for land.

Which way is land?

I think it's back there...

Good. Then we're on our way.

Look, this is useless,

Al couldn't find land
if he was skydiving.

We're in the hands
of a blithering idiot.

That's Captain Blithering.

Look, perhaps a
brief comic interlude

will help lighten the moment.

I hope you can hear my jokes
over the rumbling in my stomach.

Is this thing on?

Right before we went down,

I took a bunch of
serving trays as props.

Oh, much better
than taking food.

Why couldn't have Gallagher
been the entertainer?

I mean, at least then we
could have had watermelon.

Yeah, like we'd have gotten any.

Well, anyway,
Mickey Mouse on acid.

Oh, I'm freaking out.
Somebody help me.

I'm having a bad trip.

[SCREAMING]

A midget putting a
dime in a payphone.

[LAUGHS]

Clark Gable.

Vincent van Gogh.

Peg, you wanna
give this one tug?

Ironside.

[MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]

No, no. No, Bugs, don't
go into that deserted mine.

Yosemite Sam just
threw dynamite in there.

Oh, God, I hope this is a rerun.

God, I hope you marry
someone with money.

Now move over, I
wanna watch the news.

MAN: And in close-to-show-biz
news, radio personality

and ex-pimple cream
spokesman Wolfman Jack

was found bound and
gagged in a dumpster

behind Planet
Hollywood last night.

Police found several clues,

but instead opted to go
inside where it was warm.

That's the last time I let you
hit someone with a shovel.

In another late-breaking story,

the luxury cruise
liner, Sea Dodge,

went down last night
in perfectly calm waters

somewhere in the Caribbean.

Kelly, that's the ship
Mom and Dad are on.

All the passengers
have been accounted for

except one lifeboat,
purportedly carrying

comedian Gilbert Gottfried
and some other people,

including a woman
with really silly red hair.

Oh, my God,

Gilbert Gottfried and one
of the Judds are lost at sea.

It's not one of the
Judds, you Zagnut.

Kelly, do you know
what this means?

Mom and Dad.

Oh, my God, what
are we gonna do?

How are we gonna eat?

How are we gonna
pay the mortgage?

Our lives are gonna be

exactly the same.

Look, we can't just sit here.

We gotta get to the
Caribbean somehow.

Okay.

Uh, don't forget
to leave some food

for the dog.

How long are we gonna be gone?

I don't know. Maybe weeks.

Uh, yo, dog here. Yo.

I'm from the Chicago Examiner.

Are you the people whose
parents are lost at sea

with the voice of Iago, the
parrot, Gilbert Gottfried?

Yeah. Soup's on.

MAN: All right, let's go.
Come on. Get in there.

Wait a minute.

Don't miss that beat.
Get around here.

What's going on here?

You. We're here
to bring the country

live minute-by-minute coverage

of your anguish at the
loss of Gilbert Gottfried.

And your parents.

They might still be alive.

Yeah. And Hoffa's
eating at Denny's.

[ALL LAUGH]

Now, wait a second now.

You people can't just barge
in here and invade our privacy.

Kelly, show these people out.

We'll pay you a million
dollars for your exclusive story.

Kelly, get these
people a Snapple.

It has been 24
hours. I'm starved.

Ah, me too.

Hey, Al, why aren't you hungry?

Because I've got a natural
appetite suppressant.

Twenty-five years of marriage.

Yeah, and since
he doesn't brush,

he can always mine
his teeth for food.

Well, I'm starting
to get hungry.

Big surprise.

Some captain you are.

If you're not gonna
go down with the ship,

at least do something.

Oh, excuse me, Miss
We-Never-Do-Anything-Together.

Well, we're dying together,
Peg. Are you happy now?

Well, just don't look at me to
cheer anybody up anymore.

You bent my props.

As far as I'm concerned, we
can float out here sans comedy

and die a miserable,
humourless death.

Now look what you've done,
Al. You've upset the entertainer.

Good. Maybe he'll walk.

Hey, I know. We
could try to catch a fish.

How? We got no rod, we
got no hooks, we got no bait.

We got no rod and hooks.

Honey, we got this.

Peg. Peg. Peg.
That's a flare gun.

We only use that when
the rescuers try to find us.

Oh, but I don't want
them to see my hair.

[SPLASH]

Well, now I know
why Jacques Cousteau

only has men on the Calypso.

Uh, that's not why.

Hey, hey, we've got an oar.

And there's
dozens of little fish

swimming around the boat.

We just hit them with the
oar and dinner is served.

Without cooking it?

Well, why bother? I mean,
cooking just makes them smaller.

Al, just go hit a fish.

Oh, all right. It's always,
"Al, I'm hungry. Al, I'm horny."

Why can't it for once be, "Al,
wake up, it's Cindy Crawford,

I'm hungry and horny."

What are you waiting for?

A red one.

There it is. Gotcha!

Hey, where'd she go?

Where all dead fish go.

To the Red Lobster?

No, nimrod, to the bottom.

Hey, Al, you know,
I just remembered

the one thing I
knew about the sea.

If you beat a fish
to a bloody pulp,

it tends to attract
other fish, bigger fish.

Fish with no known enemies.

[♪♪♪]

Well, this is nice.

Does anyone know
how to repel a shark?

Go ahead, Gilbert,
do your impressions.

Okay, Jerry Lewis.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, drum roll.

How much money did we raise?

Hello, this is Miranda
Veracruz de la Jolla Cardenal.

Live at the home of
Kelly and Bud Bundy,

who are anxiously awaiting news

of whether their parents
will be found alive,

or if their decomposing
corpses will be found weeks later

in some South Florida bog.

Bud and Kelly, I know that
this is a difficult time for you,

but can you tell me
how you're feeling?

And please be as
graphic as possible.

We refuse to answer
this line of questioning

until we find out
if they're alive.

Well, I apologize if I
seemed insensitive.

So tell me, did your
parents ever abuse you?

No.

Well, surely your father
must have seen your heinie?

Well, yeah, when I was a baby.

[ALL GASP]

Did Michael Jackson
ever touch you?

Did Bob Barker ever touch you?

Tom Arnold?

Roseanne?

George Plimpton?

What is the matter
with you people?

Whatever happened to the
noble image of the fourth estate?

People like Edward R. Murrow
and then Walter Cronkite?

Who?

Walt... Walter Cronkite?

[ALL MURMURING]

Don't know that name.

Was he ever touched
by Michael Jackson?

Get away from me, you ghouls.

What was I even thinking,
letting you people in here?

Me and my sister will not
sell our parents out for money.

Right, Kel?

Well, then Daddy
had Senator Packwood

chase me around the bed.

Or was it Senator Mike Tyson?

Yes, yes, it was both of them.

Okay, Jerry Seinfeld.

Why do people ride buses?

I don't know. I don't know why.

Who are these people?

And where do they
find exact change?

Hey, can you do Ted Kennedy?

Sure. Anyone
wanna hold my pants?

[LAUGHS]

Hold my pants.

Look, Peg, it's obvious

we're not gonna be rescued,

and it's even more obvious why.

Now look, one of us
has gotta swim for help.

Any volunteers?

Okay, okay. We
should draw straws.

Did anybody bring straws?

I have straws.

Thank you.

All right.

Whoever picks the short one...

Like we don't know
who that's gonna be.

Swims for help.

Gee, I can't believe
how small it is.

Boy, if I had a nickel for
every time I've said that.

Oh, Al, I'm just kidding,

this is the bravest
thing I've ever seen.

You know, honey,
we've been through a lot.

Good times and bad times.

And, you know, if I
never see you again,

I just really want you
to know that I love...

[SPLASHING]

Boy, he's a fast swimmer.

Yeah, look at him go.

Well,

[SIGHS]

what do we do now?

Well, there is the
matter of my cheque.

You see, just
because the boat sinks,

doesn't mean a comic
has to work for free.

Put a tray in it, Gilbert.

Well, he's right, sweetheart.
Give the man a 20.

Fine. Get me my wallet.

Okay. Where is it?

On the ocean floor.

Don't you realize that
we are stuck out here

a million miles from nowhere.

It's gonna be weeks before
we see any sign of life.

MAN: Ahoy there.

We're a yacht full
of congressmen

wasting our
constituents' tax dollars.

You need any help,
or liquor or anything?

We're saved!

That's enough. Go away.

It's been two days since you
were rescued, Mrs. Bundy,

and they still haven't
found your husband.

How do you feel about
that? Cry if you can.

Well, of course,
we all want Al back.

We thought he'd washed
up onto the beach,

but it turned out to
be just a giant jellyfish.

[FORCED CRYING]

Uh, Mrs. Bundy, if your
husband does turn up dead,

we're willing to
pay you a fortune

for your exclusive story.

Really? Well, how much?

Depends. What did
he do for a living?

He was a shoe salesman.

Fifty bucks. Unless, of
course, he abused you.

How much is that worth?

$500,000.

Well, you know, he did make
us drive around in that Dodge.

And he made us live in
this house. Is that enough?

Oh, God... God, yes. Awesome.

How did you put up
with it all this time?

Daddy!

Daddy!

Thank you.

Oh, Al... vin.

Alvin Bundy.

My late husband's
identical twin.

How nice of you to drop
by on such a sad occasion.

How much, Peg?

Enough to make
it worth your while

to walk out that door
and never come back.

Five dollars?

Nice try, Mrs. Bundy.

And Mr. Bundy.

Who's for rooting
through Oprah's trash?

Well, perhaps
some of our viewers

who sit way too
close to the screen

might find your
rescue story interesting.

Well, it... It is, really.

I-I swam for hours

and then when I didn't think
I could go on any longer,

suddenly I was surrounded by
a school of man-eating sharks,

when miraculously, some
dolphins chased them away,

swam me to safety.

Man and dolphin, working
together against a common enemy.

And did any of them abuse you?

No, they saved my life.

Oh. Turn the camera off.

Hey, where you going?

It's sweeps, guys.

Unless that dolphin was
Michael Jackson's love child,

we've got nothing.

Uh, Peg, by the way,
thanks for the all-out effort

to find me after
you were rescued.

Well, you know, I
wanted to wait to find you,

but I was outvoted
five to nothing.

I mean, four to one.

Mom, you shouldn't talk
like that to Dad's twin.

You know he's gonna tell.

Peg, I'm only
gonna say this once

because I'm tired and I...

I think I have a
clam in my shorts.

Don't flatter yourself.

No more magazine contests.

As I've said before,
no good can come of it.

[DOORBELL]

Congratulations.
I'm Gilbert Gottfried

and you've just won one...

[♪♪♪]