Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 9, Episode 2 - Driving Mr. Boondy - full transcript

Ah! Life with the
wife outta town.

Now, this is marriage.

Whoops!

Forgot something.

But now that things
are going so good,

I know what's going to happen.

Dad.

Dad, I need $700.

No problem. We'll
sell the house.

Of course, we'll have to
come up with 500 bucks more.

Dad, I'm serious.



My entire academic
career depends on it.

I wanna go to
Oktoberfest in Milwaukee

with the fraternity.

We're gonna ogle
women and eat sausages.

Well, aside from the
women and sausages,

you can do that right here.

Dad, everybody's going.

Everybody's not going.

I'm not going, Buck's not
going and you're not going.

I don't care what
anyone says. I'm going.

Now, son, there are other
ways of getting money

without asking me.

Yeah, but Mom's not here

and I don't have
a body like Kelly's.



I was talking about a job.

J-job?

God, you look just like your
mother when you say that.

Have you forgotten
that I'm in college?

No, son, and I'm proud of you.

But if you want money,

you should do what
a wise man once said:

"Yip-yip-yip-yip,
mum-mum-mum-mum, get a job."

Okay. Fine. Fine.

But this, much like
your honeymoon,

will come back to haunt you.

Now, where were we?

Hello, Peg.

Hello, Peg.

How'd you know it was me, Al?

I actually heard God laugh.

Honey, I have great news.

Mom has taken her first
step since her heart attack.

Did you alert Tokyo?

You know, she
never liked you, Al.

That's because
I'm not cream-filled.

Goodbye, Peg.
Thanks for calling.

Al.

What?

Honey, now that
Mom is feeling better,

she wants to try to
improve her appearance.

What about aluminum siding?

No, Al.

I wanna get her

some of the nail
polish that she wants,

but I can't remember
what shade she likes.

Chocolate?

Honey, it's in the
catalogue that she sent me.

What catalogue, Peg?

It's called X.X.L.L.Bean.

And I put it with the mail.

Where is the mail, Gracie?

Where it always
is, Al. In the oven.

You know, Peg, I hope there's
nothing important in here.

Oh, come on, Al, don't you know

if there's something
important, I'm gonna to tell you.

Ah. "Free tickets to the
Chicago Bulls '91 playoff game."

"Notice: Local drinking
water contamination."

Peg, I thought you said there
was nothing important in here.

Oh. You meant for you.

All right, I found
the catalogue.

All right.

Uh, turn to page eight.

I've circled the nail polish.

"Minimizing Red"?

Oh, that's it. Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Thanks, Al. Hey, you
want me to put Mom on?

Yeah.

"Driver's license
renewal notice.

"Send this form in 10 days

and we'll automatically
renew your driver's license."

Oh, here's a... Here's
a second notice.

"Send completed
test within five days

or your driver's
license will expire."

Gee, here's the third.

"When at a four-way stop,
who has the right of way?

A, the guy on the left,
B, the guy on the right

or C, the guy not
driving the Dodge?"

Let me see that.
It doesn't say that.

It does say that.

All right, next question,
"When towing a trailer..."

Skip it! They never
ask trailer questions.

Al, if it's in the book,
it could be on the test.

Test, test, test...
If it wasn't for Peg

I wouldn't have
to take the test.

Expired driver's license.

Why can't a marriage
license do that?

Ask me the next question.

"What's your blind spot?"

Two beers and a redhead.

Could life suck enough?

What's wrong, pumpkin?

Look what they want me to wear

on my next
Verminator commercial.

It's just humiliating.
It's totally beneath me.

I don't wanna do
commercials in a bikini.

I wanna do films where
I'm totally naked, or...

or at least with that
"Hey, Vern" guy.

Daddy, I'm afraid
if I keep doing this,

people are gonna think
that I'm all body and no...

Mind?

No, I don't mind, go ahead.

Well, I tried to talk
to my boss about it

but all he wanted to do
was buy me more drinks.

Daddy, what should I do?

I think what... What Al means is

you have to be firm.

When my boss orders
me to do something

that I don't agree with,

I honestly say what I want
and then I threaten to quit.

Well, then what
does Mrs. D'Arcy say?

Usually, "Was that it?"

But the point is that
you are the Verminator.

You hold the cards.

You have to demand
that your employer

take you seriously or else.

You're right. Thank
you, Mr. D'Arcy.

My pleasure.

Thanks, Daddy.

Is she gone?

Yeah.

And the boy's gone, right?

Yup.

Thank God I only
had sex with Peg twice.

Well, time to take my test.

Hey, Al, aren't you
gonna pack a lunch

for that long wait in line?

No, because I had the
foresight to make an appointment.

I spit on the line!

Uh, I just arrive in country.

Can I take test now?

Of course.

I just arrive in country.

Can I take test now?

I'm sorry, sir.

You have an appointment.

Al Boondy.

That's, uh... That's Bundy.

Sorry.

Anyway, Mr. Boondy,

you've made it to
the, uh, written test.

What language do you speak?

Speak the same language
as everybody in this country.

Oh, Spanish.

I don't speak Spanish,
you idiot! I speak American.

American?

American. American...

Ah! Here's one.

Whoa, I hope you know
a lot about towing trailers.

Congratulations,
Mr. Boondy, you've failed.

Oh, come on, this
is my third time.

Can't you just pass me?

We are very serious about
who we give licenses to here.

Here's your new license.

And here's yours.

And here's yours.

But all is not lost, Mr. Boondy.

There still may be a
license with your name on it

if you pass the driving test.

A driving test, eh?

Well, I'll have you know,

I've been driving the
mean streets of Chicago

for 30 years, in
the same mean car

with the same mean wife.

So go ahead, give
me your best shot.

Show me the moron
who dare not pass me.

Boondy? Al Boondy.

Well, congratulations, Bud.

This looks like a
great place to work.

Oh, yes, Dad.

Yeah, you haven't lived
until you've given a driving test

to a 97-year-old
Lithuanian woman

who quaintly brought her...

Who quaintly brought
her lucky cheese with her.

Ah, the thrill of
riding the expressway

at 17 miles an hour

slamming on the brakes

for every single
car that passes us.

But the best part was high
noon in said un-air-conditioned car

when both cheese and
woman ripened nicely.

Oh, yeah, Dad.

It's a great place to work.

That's good. That's good, son.

So, uh, why don't
you just pass me

and I'll see you
when you get home.

Oh, I could do that,

but then I wouldn't be
doing my job now, would I?

And you know how
important a job is, don't you?

You really gonna
make me do this?

As sure as your
name is Boondy, fella.

All right, you son of a
woman from Wanker.

You wanna drive?

Let's drive.

Kelly, you sounded
so upset on the phone

that we came right over.

Well, we stopped
for a sandwich first

and then we came
right over. What's wrong?

No, I just wanted to thank
you for all your advice.

I did what you told me to do.

I marched into my boss's office,

I said, "I am the Verminator.
I hold all the cards."

Well, you should have
seen the look on his face

when he said those
two magic words.

"I'm sorry"? "You're fired."

I'm sorry.

Fired?

You dispensed job advice to her?

You who thinks a
W2 is a bingo number?

I know it's not a bingo number.

It's that stuff you spray
on squeaky hinges, right?

Well, life is certainly taking
an upward turn for me.

I'm 23 years old,
I have no money,

and I'm still living at home.

I'm kind of like Dad
with blond highlights.

Do you realize that
I have classmates

who are getting alimony
from two ex-husbands by now?

Kelly, I respect the fact
that you really wanna work,

unlike deadwood over here.

So perhaps we can
find a little something

at the bank to tide you over.

Yeah, but I don't know
anything about high finance.

I'll get to use my mind, right?

I won't be a
showpiece or anything.

Trust me, Kelly.

As a feminist and a leader
in the financial community,

I promise you will not
be window-dressing.

Son, you know we've been
driving for about three hours now.

Don't you think we
oughta head back soon?

Five points off for complaining.

How much do you mark
down for crushing in your face?

Look, Mr. Boondy,
this is my job,

and I am merely being a
professional civil servant

and I've taken an oath.

Hooters! Hooters! Stop
the car! Pull over! Pull over!

Hi!

I'm Heidi and I'm from Bavaria.

Could you direct me to the
Oktoberfest in Milwaukee?

Oh, yeah, this could happen.

Get in, Heidi.

We just, uh... We just
happen to be going that way.

By the way, Dad, I'm
taking off five more points.

You should never
pick up hitchhikers.

Now, look, son. I didn't say
anything when you told me

to cut off that motorcycle
gang or told that lady cop

to put them on the glass.

But there's no way,
no how, I'm taking you

and your Wiener
schnitzel over there

to the Oktoberfest in Milwaukee.

I had the best time.
How about you?

Oh, mein Schatzi, I
do so appreciate you

and your chauffeur taking
me to the Oktoberfest.

How can I ever repay you?

Oh, that's right, baby,

pretend like my pants
are France and invade me.

There's a five-point
deduction for that.

Hey, nice assets.

Oh, good one, sir.

That's even funnier the
100th time I've heard it.

How's it going, Kelly?

Fine. Great location for a bank.

Right next to a bar.

Well, that's how we got
the Kennedy account.

Yeah, but I feel like
some cheap slut.

Well, that's how we're hoping
to get the Clinton account.

Besides, we all have
to start somewhere.

Yeah, well, where did you start?

Well, I'm different.

I'm a college graduate

with a double major in
business and economics.

Hey, D'Arcy, time
for my back rub.

Coming.

Excuse. Miss.

No, you can't
check out my assets.

No, you can't see
my prime interest rate

and yes, there is
a severe penalty

for early withdrawal.

My name Achmed.

I'm in big hurry and
car is still running.

Here is note.

You must bring me
this much money.

Right away, Mr. Med.
Or can I call you Ach?

Uh, why don't
you wait over there

and I'll get
someone to help you.

A thousand thank
you very muches.

Now hurry, please!

Okay.

Mrs. D'Arcy, I think that
man's gonna rob the bank.

He just gave me this note.
Says he wants $50,000.

Now, let me handle this.

It's a very
complicated procedure

requiring months of intense
robbery prevention training.

Bank robber! Bank robber! Help!

Get him! Get him!

I may even get a
promotion out of this.

What seems to be the trouble?

Just another robbery attempt
I was able to thwart, sir.

Well, good, because the
son of our largest depositor

is on his way in.

Now, his name is
Sheik Achmed Heb Abib.

He'll be making a
$50,000 withdrawal.

Please, don't hurt me.
Please... Please don't hurt me.

So I trust you'll give
him the VIP treatment.

I want him to remember
his banking experience here.

Oh, yes, sir, I'm sure he will.

Well, let's see how you did.

Apter score, 98,
99... Wait a second.

That's my score.

And we had a good time. Well...

You had a good time.

Mine pretty much
blew chunks, but, uh...

I'd like to remind you, son,

while you're
figuring out my score,

that if I don't get
my driver's license

that means I can't drive.

If I can't drive that
means I can't go to work.

If I can't go to work

that means I'll
have to stay home,

and I'll be home all the time.

Day and night.

When you bring your dates over,

I will be in my underwear.

You know the
underwear, don't you, son?

Not the ones that read:

"If you lived here,
you'd be home now"?

And I'll be clipping my toenails

and eating Cheez
Whiz out of the can.

Now, let me ask you, son.

How did I do?

You passed.

Oh, goody.

Thanks, son. And
you did a nice job too.

Of course, you have a nice job.

Well, anybody would
compared to me.

Is there anybody with
a worse job than mine?