Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 9, Episode 19 - Ship Happens: Part 1 - full transcript
Peg wins a cruise but decides to take Al and the Darcys along with her, leaving the kids at home with Wolfman Jack, but as always, misfortune follows.
[♪♪♪]
[DOOR OPENS]
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Mom.
Kelly, I am so glad you're home.
I'm entering this new contest,
and I need you to think
of something clever.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Bud, is something wrong?
Yeah.
Yeah, you just asked
someone with the IQ of mustard
to think of something clever.
I will have you know,
O, winged monkey man,
that I am just as smart as
anybody else in this room.
So you don't need to
spell out "iquee" around me.
Bud, I'm so glad
you're home. Heh-heh.
You see, this
feminine-hygiene company
is looking for a sidekick
for their new mascot,
Tubey the Tampon.
You got any ideas?
Mom, in Bud's defense,
you're talking about an area
he knows nothing about.
Now, if it had
been for hand wigs
or, say, finger lingerie... Heh.
Hey, hey, uh,
I think that's quite
enough, Kelly.
Mom, I thought Dad banned you
from entering all these
magazine contests.
I don't enter that
many contests.
I don't even get that
many magazines.
Mail call!
Well, let's see what
came today. Doll Maker.
Lizard Quarterly.
Ooh, look here, Ebony.
Esther Rolle moved, Peg.
Where?
Closer to the fridge.
Oh, now, what have
we here? Amish Weekly.
Ooh.
New spring color: black.
Mom, are you sure anybody
ever wins these contests?
Would Ed McMahon lie?
Gee, I don't know,
would he drink?
Would he laugh at
something that's not funny?
Would he tout the
taste of dog food
if he thought he could
make a stinking buck?
Peg, I'm telling you that nobody
ever, ever wins these contests.
[MAN HOWLS]
[KNOCK]
[SCRATCHING]
Hi, I'm Wolfman Jack.
Let me in, I'm gonna
blow your mind out.
Anybody here join a record club?
Well, you know, I'm
talking about 30 years ago.
No, I'm here to lay
something good on you.
You guys have just won
our $1-million grand prize.
[ALL CHEERING, LAUGHING]
Oh, my God!
I can't believe it!
Peg, Peg, if you weren't
my wife, I'd kiss you.
[GIGGLES]
Congratulations,
Mrs. O'Sullivan.
Uh, well,
my name isn't
O'Sullivan. Mine is!
Top of the morning to
you, Wolfman, me lad.
[LAUGHS]
Uh, listen, LoJack.
That's Wolfman Jack.
Yeah. Yeah, much cooler.
Listen, our name is Bundy.
Yeah, B-U-N-D and sometimes Y.
Oh, listen, Mrs. Bundy.
You have just won
first-class accommodations
on our luxury cruise
to the Caribbean.
How come only she won?
Because she wrote
the most inspiring essay
for New Widows magazine.
New widows, Peg?
So you do share my dream.
But, you know, I don't wanna
go on a cruise by myself.
Hey, Mr. Wolfman,
don't you think you
could just bend the rules
a little bit so that
Al can come?
No! Please?
Man is unimpeachable, his
character beyond reproach.
He combines the best
qualities of both wolf and man.
There's 50 bucks in it for you.
Sold. I tell you what, I'll
take this first-class ticket,
and I'll change it in
for two economies.
But, Peg, I don't
wanna go on a cruise.
All that rocking up
and down, side to side.
I'll be throwing up all night.
And then there's the
motion of the boat.
Wow, a Caribbean cruise.
Sounds romantic. Oh, it is.
Al must hate it. He does.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Oh, it sounds like such fun.
I wish Jefferson and I
could do something like that.
Maybe I could trade
these two tickets
for four less-expensive ones.
Do you think they'd do that?
Well, let's find out.
Mr. Man?
Yo.
Do you think that
you could trade
these two really good tickets
for four just-okay ones?
Hey, anything's possible.
You got 50 bucks?
Marcy?
Ho-ho. Oh, why not?
You know, if I don't
spend it, Jefferson will.
Here. Here you go.
"Sub-subeconomy class."
I wonder what that is?
Well, the love barge.
Thanks for bringing me, Peg.
Oh, it's not so bad.
No, it's like 20,000
Leagues Under the Sea,
except I'm married
to the giant squid.
Why must you
always be so negative?
Why did you cross the road?
[YELPS]
All right, so the
room's a little cramped.
Most of the time we're
gonna be up on deck,
eating, dancing,
living the good life.
[CHUCKLES]
So who's the entertainment?
Gilbert Gottfried.
[AL & JEFFERSON GROAN]
Besides, who cares
about the room?
This is a singles cruise.
That means wall-to-wall women
who will be sunning themselves
with their tops unfastened.
[BOTH GIGGLE]
What are you guys laughing at?
BOTH: Nothing.
We're just happy to be
here with the women we love.
And you guys.
[BOTH GIGGLE]
Well, I'm just glad
you're looking on the
bright side of things.
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Me too, Peg. In
fact, I can't remember
when I've been so happy.
Hi, and welcome to Cruise Light,
the high-fun, low-fat vacation
for women who want
to watch the whales
instead of being
mistaken for 'em.
Now, wait a second.
Now, you're telling me
that every passenger
on this ship is...
How can I put this?
An island unto herself?
Well, maybe now.
But by the time we're done
with our deprivation diet
and non-stop exercise program,
we'll look as beautiful as...
those two.
What two?
She means us, poop deck.
Oh, my God, she
does mean the wives.
Jefferson, we're on the
voyage of the damned.
Why didn't you tell me
this was a cruise for fat women?
'Cause you didn't ask
me. Well, I gotta go.
I'm getting my hair done
for free by Mr. Maurice.
You know who that is?
A man with a lot of cats?
No. He is the
stylist to the stars.
Who do you think does
Sandra Bernhard's hair?
Ray Charles?
Let's go, Peggy.
We should've left them at home.
Should've left us at the altar.
Hey, Al, you know
what I'm thinking?
How long it'd take us to
swim home from here?
[KNOCK]
WOMAN: Yoo-hoo.
Don't answer
that. That's a trap.
What kind of trap?
They say, "Yoo-hoo,"
you open the door,
they slap two pieces
of bread around you,
and you're never
heard from again.
WOMAN: Hello, is
there anyone in there?
Mm. I don't know.
She sounds thin.
I'm gonna open it.
Hi, my name's Gretchen.
Hi, my name's...
Wait a second, I can't
remember my name.
Quick, Al, what's my name?
Captain No-Nads.
You two are very funny.
Are either of you
Gilbert Gottfried?
BOTH: He is.
Well, uh, I wanted to find out
if either of you will be
taking aerobics classes.
You taking them? I'm teaching.
We're taking 'em.
Um, excuse me, Gretchen,
but, uh, I-I thought that
all the passengers were...
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Jurassic.
Uh, I-I mean jolly.
[CHUCKLES]
May I share something with you?
Sure. Jefferson,
would you step outside?
What I meant was, since
you're not part of the diet group,
you can participate in
our after-hours activities.
Uh, what...? What kind
of after-hour activities?
Well, after our 6:30
roundup and lockdown
for our larger passengers,
we put away the celery
and those disgusting,
chalky shakes
and bring out the real food.
Tonight is Carnival:
"Couscous and
clothing-optional lambada."
Jefferson, I'm
dreaming. Pinch me.
[YELLS]
I said pinch me!
[YELLS]
Now, let me get this straight.
At 6:30, you herd
all the buffaloes
back to their cells,
you lock 'em up,
and then a wild orgy of
scantily clad crew and us
take over the ship?
Right. Uh, is that okay?
[CHUCKLES] Yes. That's fine.
[WHIMPERS] Thank you.
Great. I'll see you guys there.
You know the trouble
with rock 'n' roll today?
Took out the bubble machine?
Um, Mr. Jack-Man...
it's not that we haven't
enjoyed your cute little stories
about things that happened
even before Dick Clark was born,
but you've been here for a week.
I mean,
shouldn't you be out cruising
with the ho-dads or... Or the...
The ho-moms,
or whatever ho's you
guys run around with?
You know, there's a lot
more to Wolfman Jack
than just, "Hi,
here's your prize."
You ever listen to
Wolfman Jack on the radio
live from Planet Hollywood?
Mm-mm.
Look, whatever he
says, just... Just say yes.
Yes.
I also wrote a book,
my autobiography.
Would you like me to
read you a little bit of it?
Yes.
You're the best.
[SLURPING]
[GIGGLES] Oh, Al.
[GRUNTS]
This is the best vacation
I have ever been on.
Thank you.
[GROANS]
[SCREAMS]
You beaked me!
Have you been drinking?
[SLURS] Not since I had a drink.
What do you want?
Oh, Al, it is amazing out there.
The women may be huge,
but the male crew can
swab my deck any time.
Well, that shouldn't take long.
Where's Peg?
Oh, she's still
getting her hair done.
[WHISPERS] But I don't know why,
because it always
looks really silly.
[GIGGLES]
Don't tell Al.
[GIGGLES]
Anyway, Al,
at 6:30, I am going back
upstairs for aqua aerobics.
The male crew members
are gonna pretend
to be dolphins,
and I get to pet
their dorsal fins.
[GIGGLES]
And vice versa.
[GIGGLES]
Don't tell Jefferson.
Marcy, did you happen to notice
if any of the female
crew members
are gonna pretend
to be dolphins?
No.
I think they're
gonna be mermaids
or whatever it is you call it
when you swim around topless.
I better go see
what's keeping Peggy.
Whoa-hoa-hoa.
Heigh-ho, Flipper, away!
Are you ready to roll, buddy?
Ten seconds till lockdown.
[CHUCKLES]
BOTH: Five, four,
three, two, one.
[ALARM SOUNDS]
[FOOTSTEPS, MAN SCREAMS]
[DOORS SLAMMING]
[SAMBA MUSIC PLAYING]
It's samba time.
Well, Al, what do you think?
Oh. About what, Peg?
My hair.
Oh, your hair. Oh, it's...
fine, Peg.
If you're Lyle Lovett.
Shut up.
No, no, he said
that, uh, "Al love it."
You ready to go, Peg?
Yeah, I guess.
Well, it's kind of cool up
there, you better wear a bag.
[SOBS]
A hat, a hat, I meant a hat.
I can't go out in
public like this.
No, I know you
can't, sweetheart.
[SOBS] I know you can't...
Come on, Jefferson. Let's go.
You can't go either.
Why? My hair
don't look like crap!
[SOBS] Oh, what's
the matter now, Peg?
[SOBS]
Why don't I just
go check things out.
You just call me if
you need me, okay?
I need you, I need you!
Oh, hold me, Al.
I wanna go to the party!
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
[LAUGHING, CHEERING]
[WHOOPING]
You don't mind staying
in with me, do you, Al?
No.
I'd much rather be in here
than up there in a
Russ Meyer movie.
Good, because I am
never leaving this room.
Al?
What?
Make love to me.
Why? I didn't
screw up your hair!
It's just that I feel
so unattractive,
especially with
those aerobics girls
bouncing around up there.
You know, I know
you'd rather be on deck
rather than staying
in here with me,
and I really do appreciate it.
You know, Al, I know that
I don't say it very much,
but you are a great guy.
Al?
Ah, smell that salt-hallway air.
Fine.
If you'd rather be
up there partying
while your wife is
here, who needs you,
just go right ahead.
Thanks. Bye.
We're going down!
What, you mean
the party's moved?
No, the ship is sinking!
One of the fat women
smelled the jerk chicken
and tried to cut through
the floor with a blowtorch!
Oh, my God,
we're really sinking?
Oh, come on.
If we were really sinking,
you think I could look in
this porthole and see...?
Fish!
Oh, my God, we're going to die!
Thank you, Peg, for
booking me on the Titanic!
[ALL SCREAMING]
[♪♪♪]
[DOOR OPENS]
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Mom.
Kelly, I am so glad you're home.
I'm entering this new contest,
and I need you to think
of something clever.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Bud, is something wrong?
Yeah.
Yeah, you just asked
someone with the IQ of mustard
to think of something clever.
I will have you know,
O, winged monkey man,
that I am just as smart as
anybody else in this room.
So you don't need to
spell out "iquee" around me.
Bud, I'm so glad
you're home. Heh-heh.
You see, this
feminine-hygiene company
is looking for a sidekick
for their new mascot,
Tubey the Tampon.
You got any ideas?
Mom, in Bud's defense,
you're talking about an area
he knows nothing about.
Now, if it had
been for hand wigs
or, say, finger lingerie... Heh.
Hey, hey, uh,
I think that's quite
enough, Kelly.
Mom, I thought Dad banned you
from entering all these
magazine contests.
I don't enter that
many contests.
I don't even get that
many magazines.
Mail call!
Well, let's see what
came today. Doll Maker.
Lizard Quarterly.
Ooh, look here, Ebony.
Esther Rolle moved, Peg.
Where?
Closer to the fridge.
Oh, now, what have
we here? Amish Weekly.
Ooh.
New spring color: black.
Mom, are you sure anybody
ever wins these contests?
Would Ed McMahon lie?
Gee, I don't know,
would he drink?
Would he laugh at
something that's not funny?
Would he tout the
taste of dog food
if he thought he could
make a stinking buck?
Peg, I'm telling you that nobody
ever, ever wins these contests.
[MAN HOWLS]
[KNOCK]
[SCRATCHING]
Hi, I'm Wolfman Jack.
Let me in, I'm gonna
blow your mind out.
Anybody here join a record club?
Well, you know, I'm
talking about 30 years ago.
No, I'm here to lay
something good on you.
You guys have just won
our $1-million grand prize.
[ALL CHEERING, LAUGHING]
Oh, my God!
I can't believe it!
Peg, Peg, if you weren't
my wife, I'd kiss you.
[GIGGLES]
Congratulations,
Mrs. O'Sullivan.
Uh, well,
my name isn't
O'Sullivan. Mine is!
Top of the morning to
you, Wolfman, me lad.
[LAUGHS]
Uh, listen, LoJack.
That's Wolfman Jack.
Yeah. Yeah, much cooler.
Listen, our name is Bundy.
Yeah, B-U-N-D and sometimes Y.
Oh, listen, Mrs. Bundy.
You have just won
first-class accommodations
on our luxury cruise
to the Caribbean.
How come only she won?
Because she wrote
the most inspiring essay
for New Widows magazine.
New widows, Peg?
So you do share my dream.
But, you know, I don't wanna
go on a cruise by myself.
Hey, Mr. Wolfman,
don't you think you
could just bend the rules
a little bit so that
Al can come?
No! Please?
Man is unimpeachable, his
character beyond reproach.
He combines the best
qualities of both wolf and man.
There's 50 bucks in it for you.
Sold. I tell you what, I'll
take this first-class ticket,
and I'll change it in
for two economies.
But, Peg, I don't
wanna go on a cruise.
All that rocking up
and down, side to side.
I'll be throwing up all night.
And then there's the
motion of the boat.
Wow, a Caribbean cruise.
Sounds romantic. Oh, it is.
Al must hate it. He does.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Oh, it sounds like such fun.
I wish Jefferson and I
could do something like that.
Maybe I could trade
these two tickets
for four less-expensive ones.
Do you think they'd do that?
Well, let's find out.
Mr. Man?
Yo.
Do you think that
you could trade
these two really good tickets
for four just-okay ones?
Hey, anything's possible.
You got 50 bucks?
Marcy?
Ho-ho. Oh, why not?
You know, if I don't
spend it, Jefferson will.
Here. Here you go.
"Sub-subeconomy class."
I wonder what that is?
Well, the love barge.
Thanks for bringing me, Peg.
Oh, it's not so bad.
No, it's like 20,000
Leagues Under the Sea,
except I'm married
to the giant squid.
Why must you
always be so negative?
Why did you cross the road?
[YELPS]
All right, so the
room's a little cramped.
Most of the time we're
gonna be up on deck,
eating, dancing,
living the good life.
[CHUCKLES]
So who's the entertainment?
Gilbert Gottfried.
[AL & JEFFERSON GROAN]
Besides, who cares
about the room?
This is a singles cruise.
That means wall-to-wall women
who will be sunning themselves
with their tops unfastened.
[BOTH GIGGLE]
What are you guys laughing at?
BOTH: Nothing.
We're just happy to be
here with the women we love.
And you guys.
[BOTH GIGGLE]
Well, I'm just glad
you're looking on the
bright side of things.
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Me too, Peg. In
fact, I can't remember
when I've been so happy.
Hi, and welcome to Cruise Light,
the high-fun, low-fat vacation
for women who want
to watch the whales
instead of being
mistaken for 'em.
Now, wait a second.
Now, you're telling me
that every passenger
on this ship is...
How can I put this?
An island unto herself?
Well, maybe now.
But by the time we're done
with our deprivation diet
and non-stop exercise program,
we'll look as beautiful as...
those two.
What two?
She means us, poop deck.
Oh, my God, she
does mean the wives.
Jefferson, we're on the
voyage of the damned.
Why didn't you tell me
this was a cruise for fat women?
'Cause you didn't ask
me. Well, I gotta go.
I'm getting my hair done
for free by Mr. Maurice.
You know who that is?
A man with a lot of cats?
No. He is the
stylist to the stars.
Who do you think does
Sandra Bernhard's hair?
Ray Charles?
Let's go, Peggy.
We should've left them at home.
Should've left us at the altar.
Hey, Al, you know
what I'm thinking?
How long it'd take us to
swim home from here?
[KNOCK]
WOMAN: Yoo-hoo.
Don't answer
that. That's a trap.
What kind of trap?
They say, "Yoo-hoo,"
you open the door,
they slap two pieces
of bread around you,
and you're never
heard from again.
WOMAN: Hello, is
there anyone in there?
Mm. I don't know.
She sounds thin.
I'm gonna open it.
Hi, my name's Gretchen.
Hi, my name's...
Wait a second, I can't
remember my name.
Quick, Al, what's my name?
Captain No-Nads.
You two are very funny.
Are either of you
Gilbert Gottfried?
BOTH: He is.
Well, uh, I wanted to find out
if either of you will be
taking aerobics classes.
You taking them? I'm teaching.
We're taking 'em.
Um, excuse me, Gretchen,
but, uh, I-I thought that
all the passengers were...
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Jurassic.
Uh, I-I mean jolly.
[CHUCKLES]
May I share something with you?
Sure. Jefferson,
would you step outside?
What I meant was, since
you're not part of the diet group,
you can participate in
our after-hours activities.
Uh, what...? What kind
of after-hour activities?
Well, after our 6:30
roundup and lockdown
for our larger passengers,
we put away the celery
and those disgusting,
chalky shakes
and bring out the real food.
Tonight is Carnival:
"Couscous and
clothing-optional lambada."
Jefferson, I'm
dreaming. Pinch me.
[YELLS]
I said pinch me!
[YELLS]
Now, let me get this straight.
At 6:30, you herd
all the buffaloes
back to their cells,
you lock 'em up,
and then a wild orgy of
scantily clad crew and us
take over the ship?
Right. Uh, is that okay?
[CHUCKLES] Yes. That's fine.
[WHIMPERS] Thank you.
Great. I'll see you guys there.
You know the trouble
with rock 'n' roll today?
Took out the bubble machine?
Um, Mr. Jack-Man...
it's not that we haven't
enjoyed your cute little stories
about things that happened
even before Dick Clark was born,
but you've been here for a week.
I mean,
shouldn't you be out cruising
with the ho-dads or... Or the...
The ho-moms,
or whatever ho's you
guys run around with?
You know, there's a lot
more to Wolfman Jack
than just, "Hi,
here's your prize."
You ever listen to
Wolfman Jack on the radio
live from Planet Hollywood?
Mm-mm.
Look, whatever he
says, just... Just say yes.
Yes.
I also wrote a book,
my autobiography.
Would you like me to
read you a little bit of it?
Yes.
You're the best.
[SLURPING]
[GIGGLES] Oh, Al.
[GRUNTS]
This is the best vacation
I have ever been on.
Thank you.
[GROANS]
[SCREAMS]
You beaked me!
Have you been drinking?
[SLURS] Not since I had a drink.
What do you want?
Oh, Al, it is amazing out there.
The women may be huge,
but the male crew can
swab my deck any time.
Well, that shouldn't take long.
Where's Peg?
Oh, she's still
getting her hair done.
[WHISPERS] But I don't know why,
because it always
looks really silly.
[GIGGLES]
Don't tell Al.
[GIGGLES]
Anyway, Al,
at 6:30, I am going back
upstairs for aqua aerobics.
The male crew members
are gonna pretend
to be dolphins,
and I get to pet
their dorsal fins.
[GIGGLES]
And vice versa.
[GIGGLES]
Don't tell Jefferson.
Marcy, did you happen to notice
if any of the female
crew members
are gonna pretend
to be dolphins?
No.
I think they're
gonna be mermaids
or whatever it is you call it
when you swim around topless.
I better go see
what's keeping Peggy.
Whoa-hoa-hoa.
Heigh-ho, Flipper, away!
Are you ready to roll, buddy?
Ten seconds till lockdown.
[CHUCKLES]
BOTH: Five, four,
three, two, one.
[ALARM SOUNDS]
[FOOTSTEPS, MAN SCREAMS]
[DOORS SLAMMING]
[SAMBA MUSIC PLAYING]
It's samba time.
Well, Al, what do you think?
Oh. About what, Peg?
My hair.
Oh, your hair. Oh, it's...
fine, Peg.
If you're Lyle Lovett.
Shut up.
No, no, he said
that, uh, "Al love it."
You ready to go, Peg?
Yeah, I guess.
Well, it's kind of cool up
there, you better wear a bag.
[SOBS]
A hat, a hat, I meant a hat.
I can't go out in
public like this.
No, I know you
can't, sweetheart.
[SOBS] I know you can't...
Come on, Jefferson. Let's go.
You can't go either.
Why? My hair
don't look like crap!
[SOBS] Oh, what's
the matter now, Peg?
[SOBS]
Why don't I just
go check things out.
You just call me if
you need me, okay?
I need you, I need you!
Oh, hold me, Al.
I wanna go to the party!
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
[LAUGHING, CHEERING]
[WHOOPING]
You don't mind staying
in with me, do you, Al?
No.
I'd much rather be in here
than up there in a
Russ Meyer movie.
Good, because I am
never leaving this room.
Al?
What?
Make love to me.
Why? I didn't
screw up your hair!
It's just that I feel
so unattractive,
especially with
those aerobics girls
bouncing around up there.
You know, I know
you'd rather be on deck
rather than staying
in here with me,
and I really do appreciate it.
You know, Al, I know that
I don't say it very much,
but you are a great guy.
Al?
Ah, smell that salt-hallway air.
Fine.
If you'd rather be
up there partying
while your wife is
here, who needs you,
just go right ahead.
Thanks. Bye.
We're going down!
What, you mean
the party's moved?
No, the ship is sinking!
One of the fat women
smelled the jerk chicken
and tried to cut through
the floor with a blowtorch!
Oh, my God,
we're really sinking?
Oh, come on.
If we were really sinking,
you think I could look in
this porthole and see...?
Fish!
Oh, my God, we're going to die!
Thank you, Peg, for
booking me on the Titanic!
[ALL SCREAMING]
[♪♪♪]