Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 9, Episode 13 - I Want My Psycho Dad: Second Blood: Part 2 - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

[SOFTLY] Washington,
D.C., here I come.

See you, Son.

[MUFFLED] Bye, Dad.

See you, pumpkin.

Bye-bye, Daddy.

Come here.

Oh, God.

[GRUNTING]

Well, I can see by the stars
on the wall, it's time to go.

See ya, Kelly.



AL: Come on.

[GRUNTS]

Thanks a lot, Dad.

Now I'll never know his name.

Pumpkin, you have to understand.

Part of being a parent

is protecting the
morals of my children.

BUD: Okay, move. No, don't move.

Okay, move.

Wait, wait. Aw, damn!

Now, pumpkin, as you know...

As you know, Daddy's
going to Washington,

to make America
safe for Psycho Dad.

Now, when your mom wakes up...



And she will 'cause
she knows I hate that.

Remember, you haven't seen me.

So it's like I'm
doing you a favor?

Exactly.

Uh-huh.

Hey, Bud, did you hear that?

Dad wants us to do him a favor.

[SNORING]

I'll call you. I
mean it. I love you.

What he means is, is
that if we do you a favor,

then we should
get one in return.

You know, squid pro quo.

No party.

[SCOFFS]

Mom... Oh, wait, pumpkin.

Just try to keep the
party small this time.

Oh, thank you, Daddy. I promise.

Well, I mean, how
much fun could it be?

Bud's gonna be there.

Tell me about it.

Al?

Oh, no.

Al, it is 5 in the morning.

Where are you going?

Fishing, Peg.

Ice fishing, to be exact.

You never used
to like ice fishing.

Am I not permitted to grow
as a human being, Peg?

Well, I don't know, Al.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Well, if you don't believe me,

here's one of my
ice-fishing friends.

Hey, buddy.

You ready to go deer hunting?

You mean ice fishing,
don't you, Jefferson?

[SOFTLY] I voted no on ice...

Come on. [YELLS]

Oh...

Did I say deer hunting?

I meant ice fishing.

Yeah, Peg.

See, Jefferson forgot
that a big part of ice fishing

is getting the bait,
and in this case, it's...

deer.

Fish love deer.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Well, let's go.

Hey, guys, ready to go skiing?

Excuse us one minute, Peg.

[MEN CHATTERING]

MEN: Ready, break.

So you see, Peg, after
Jefferson gets the deer bait,

Griff has to ski it
down to the lake,

where Ike has set up camp.

And Bob Rooney scuba
dives it into the lake,

to see which fish
are the hungriest...

telling Officer Dan,

so he in turn can smoke
signal the information...

back to me

so I can ice fish

with utmost confidence.

[MEN CHATTERING]

Of course. Heh.
Have a nice time, boys.

Let's go. Move 'em out. Mush.

[ALL CHATTERING]

Catch a big one, Al.

Oh, I already have, Peg.

Hello, Marcie. Yeah,
they just left for D.C.

All right. I'll meet you at
the airport around noonish?

Great. See ya.

[SIRENS BLARING]

[CONTINUOUS GUNFIRE]

Here we are, boys:
City of Brotherly Love.

No, that's Philadelphia.

Well, what's Washington?

A team without a quarterback.

[ALL LAUGH]

You guys are so cynical.

Here we are in the capital
of the greatest nation

in the free earth and you
can't even appreciate...

Everybody down.

[RAPID GUNFIRE]

Nice room you got us.

Was the John
Hinckley Arms booked?

Relax, we're not
gonna be here that long.

Tomorrow we address the
Senate, get Psycho Dad back on,

strap some fish on the hood of
the Dodge and back in Chicago.

The Big Apple.

Look, I don't wanna
rain on anybody's parade,

but what makes you think

we can get into Congress
without any credentials?

Sonny Bono did.

Besides, Jefferson
said he can get us in.

And you gotta trust the guy
that's named after a president.

I thought you were named
after Sherman Hemsley.

Yeah, you know...

Guys, guys, guys.
Let's not argue.

We're in Washington.

Let's take advantage
of what it has to offer.

Griff, check out room service.

Ike, fix that TV

so we don't have to
pay for the porn channel.

Hey, Al, don't you
wanna call home,

make sure Peg and
the kids are okay?

Ah, relax, Jefferson.
Nothing's gonna happen.

MAN [ON TV]: Late
word today from Chicago,

where a simple house
party has spread like a virus,

in what's being described as a
Woodstock without the music.

Police have been
put on tactical alert.

[♪♪♪]

WOMAN: Oh, Santa,

I've been very, very bad.

[WHIP CRACKING]

[ALL CHATTERING]

Hey, guys, we
got porn on the TV,

we got the clothes on our back,
we got the beds to ourselves.

Dare I say it?

It doesn't get any
better than this.

[LAUGHS]

What took you so long?

Ice fishing, huh?

Well, we were on our way

and Ike said he had never
seen the Washington Monument.

Speaking of the
Washington Monument...

what is that?

Uh, C-SPAN is broadcasting
the Senate page tryouts.

Hey, and what are
you doing here?

We came to stop you from
embarrassing yourselves.

[MOANING]

Too late.

Now, what makes you guys think

that the Congress
of the United States

could possibly care
what you have to say?

Don't you head lice realize

that the people of
America have spoken,

and America is
definitely anti-violence.

Look out!

[ALL YELL]

[RAPID GUNFIRE]

Damn postal workers.

Hey, we're from Chicago!

Don't you know we
invented random violence?

I still say that you will
never get in to the Senate.

We will so. Jefferson said he
knows people in high places.

Jefferson knows jack.

When are you gonna
stop telling the buffoons

these fanciful James
Bondian tales of derring-do.

You know, if you were half as
creative with your job résumé...

Good evening, Bullwinkle.

Hello, Chopper. Geronimo.

Long time no see.

What's up?

Iraq, Iran, I married.

[ALL LAUGH]

So, what time do
you need the bird?

0600 will be fine.

Cool. Over. Out.

You know, we are
really going to have

to talk about your past someday.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give
you the United States Senate.

Look at it, guys.

This is where it all happens.

The power, the
intrigue, the chicks.

Look, guys, there is
no way the U.S. Senate

is gonna put aside the important
business of running this nation

to discuss something as
moronic as Psycho Dad.

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Uh, we'll have to
table this, uh, debate

on the Arab-Israeli
peace accords.

The, uh, men from
NO MA'AM are here

to lobby on behalf
of Psycho Dad.

Oh, we are really going to
have to discuss your past.

Would the group approach the
chair and take a seat, please?

Hey, wait a second now.

Where are you two going?

Well, up there with you.

I mean, you can't think
that we're gonna let you

fight for Psycho Dad without
us having our say, do you?

Oh, Bullwinkle...

Good morning, gentlemen.

My name is Senator Furman,

and I am chairman of the
Presidential Subcommittee

for Taste in Television.

Hey, Al. "Taste in Television."

T-I... Shut up.

And you six are here to argue
on behalf of a television show

that was recently cancelled
due to excessive violence,

namely Psycho Dad.

Now, who will begin?

I will, sir.

Remember, Al,
short and to the point.

JEFFERSON: Yeah, and don't say
anything that'll make us look stupid.

Nope. No problem.

Senators and senatorettes.

Since man has evolved
from the mighty atom,

he has searched
endlessly for two things:

the other is entertainment.

Entertainment was easy
for the simple caveman.

Man brought home
food, woman burn it.

Giant pterodactyl swoops down,
chases woman, she falls in mud.

A good laugh was had by all.

Sit down, Mr. Bundy.

Yes, Your Majesty.

Anyone else?

You there with the moons.

Yes, sir.

Well, uh,

we just think you should
bring back Psycho Dad

because he symbolized everything
that's great about this country.

I mean, like...
Like, take the time

he went charging
into that Indian village

that was filled with unarmed
women and children, right?

So he's blasting away...

What the total stranger standing
beside me is trying to say is,

nobody talks about the
good side of Psycho Dad.

Gentlemen, is it not true

that the lyrics to the
Psycho Dad theme song,

in part, reads:

"He's quick with a gun
But he loves his son

So he killed his wife
'Cause she weighed a ton"?

In Psycho Dad's defense,

when he married her, she
wasn't fat, Your Bigness.

Sir.

As a peace officer who's
proud to be a NO MA'AMer,

I think we have to distinguish
between real violence

and cartoon violence.

Yeah, like last night,

when Dan here emptied
his .38 into a crowd of punks?

They knew this man and
his hot lead were for real.

Now, a cartoon
Dan, in the first place,

would have to be
much better-looking.

I submit this sketch.

You...! [YELLS]

Is there anything
else, gentlemen?

Yeah, uh,

look, I know we could have been

a little more articulate

if we had taken notes
like, uh, I wanted to do,

instead of staying up all night
watching The Panty Clause.

But our point here is we know
where real violence comes from,

and it's not from that
magic box I like to call TV.

Oh, sure, the tube can be
blamed for a lot of things.

Brent Musburger.

Full House.

Any show where overweight
female cops dress up as hookers.

But violence, that's too easy.

We've all been brought up
on Road Runner cartoons

and The Three Stooges.

But how many of us have run a
saw across a bald guy's head?

How many of us
have drawn a tunnel

on the side of a mountain,

only to watch our loved ones
smash themselves into it?

And you know why?

Because we had parents,
ladies and gentlemen.

Parents who said, "Don't
do what TV tells you to do.

Do what we tell you to do,
or it's five across the eyes..."

Anyway, I say if there's
a problem with TV today,

it's because parents
aren't saying that anymore.

Take my kids, please.

Thanks for the joke, Jefferson.

Kennedy's on the floor.

Kennedy's always on the floor.

Anyway, my kids
may not be angels,

but when they screw
up, I don't blame TV.

I put the blame squarely
where it belongs...

on their mother.

Mm-hm, mm-hm.

And rap music. And rap music.

I like rap music.

[MEN CHATTERING]

Guys, guys, I'm
talking to the Senate.

So in conclusion,
I'd like to say,

the next time you wanna
find the source of violence,

try looking on the
other side of the screen.

Thank you...

and God save the queen.

[MEN CHATTERING]

What happens now?

Well, unfortunately, Griff,

the wheels of justice
move very slowly.

[GAVEL BANGS]

We've reached a
decision, Mr. Bundy.

Violence is not acceptable
in a civilized society.

Psycho Dad's gone and
this meeting is adjourned.

[SOBBING]

Ah, take it easy, Griff.

We might have lost Psycho
Dad, but we will win the war.

It's not that.

To tell the truth, I never
even liked Psycho Dad.

Well, what is it, then?

I really thought we
were going ice fishing.

Al, if it means anything...

It won't.

Let's go.

We will win this thing, Peg.

Common sense will prevail.

I know, dear.

Hey, Peg.

Hey, look at that.

Well, thank you, Mr. Bundy.

I would've been lost
without my Discover card.

Is there, uh, anything
I can do for you?

Well, you can try to
put guys like that in jail.

Or cancel Blossom.

Maybe that's where he
got the idea to wear the hat.

MAN [OVER RADIO]: And in our continuing
coverage of the mother of all parties,

the Chicago blowout
has now engulfed

a major portion of
the upper Midwest.

The National Guard has
begun setting back-parties

in hopes of
containing the melee.

[♪♪♪]