Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 9, Episode 12 - I Want My Psycho Dad: Part 1 - full transcript
Al launches his group NO MA'AM in a protest outside the local TV station after Marcy's group FANG gets NO MA'AM's favorite TV show "Psycho Dad" canceled. But in a blizzard, no one takes notice. Meanwhile, Kelly and Bud try to convince Al to have them throw a house party for their friends.
[♪♪♪]
Disodium guanylate.
Diacetyl tartaric acid.
I don't feel good
about this, Bud.
I mean, I know we're mad at Dad
for not letting us have
a party and everything,
but even he
doesn't deserve this.
This is cool and
unusable punishment.
Desperate times call for
desperate measures, Kel.
Now, just a little
pyridoxine hydrochloride...
and voilà.
Snack mountain.
Now, once Dad washes this down
with tonight's episode
of Psycho Dad,
he'll say yes quicker
than you do on a first date.
Sure hope you're right.
Oh, good morning, kids.
Gee, you guys are up
early. What time is it?
Five p.m.
Oh, darn, I slept
through my afternoon nap.
So, what are you up to?
Oh, just trying to bribe Daddy
into letting us have a party.
You know, that could be tough.
I don't think he's
forgotten the last one.
You know, the
nightsticks, the sirens,
the strip-searches...
Not to mention what happened
after the police got here.
Mom, a woman only turns 12 once.
I'm much more of
an adulteress now.
So you think
Dad'll go for it, Ma?
Well, I don't know,
but at least you have his
two favorite food groups here.
Greasy and salty.
And to seal the deal,
Psycho Dad's on tonight.
Yeah, for the sake of the party,
I hope he still likes the show.
♪ Who's that riding
Into the sun? ♪
♪ Who's the man
With the itchy gun? ♪
♪ Who's the man
Who kills for fun? ♪
♪ Psycho Dad ♪
♪ Psycho Dad ♪
♪ Psycho Dad ♪
Hi, Bud. Hi, Kelly.
Hi, couch monster.
Does anybody
know what night it is?
The night the rest of your
body secedes from your armpits?
You know, Peg, how
do you think of those
and fight gravity
at the same time?
Anyway, tonight there's a very
special episode of the Dad on.
He caught his wife
and the schoolmarm
teaching his son housework,
but he's only got
one cartridge left.
What does he do?
What would any of us do?
Dad, ahem, did you...?
Did you notice we made
you some Psycho Dad vittles?
Yes, a veritable
coronary-copia of your favorites.
Sorry, but they were out of
the, uh, twice-fried gristle logs.
Ah, you two are the best kids
any father
accidentally ever had.
Now, come on, beat it.
Psycho Dad's coming on.
When do we ask
him about the party?
Okay, as soon as
Psycho Dad is over. Okay.
MAN [OVER TV]: And
now, ladies and gentlemen...
Psycho Dad!
Will not be seen tonight
so we may present
the All Barbara Special.
Stay tuned as Barbara Walters
interviews Barbra Streisand,
Barbara Bush, and then
Barbra Streisand again.
No Psycho Dad?
How can this be, Peg?
What moron is behind this?
♪ Who's the guy
Whose show is done? ♪
♪ Whose TV hero's on the run? ♪
♪ Who'll be watching VH1? ♪
♪ Loser Al, Loser Al Loser Al ♪
Marcy, I don't think
this is a very good time.
Are you kidding?
This is a great time.
My women's group finally
helped get Psycho Dad cancelled.
Cancelled? You got it cancelled?
Indeed-y do.
Okay, now can we ask him?
No.
Why not? The show
couldn't be more over.
Why, Marcy?
Because Psycho Dad was
the most violent program on TV.
Did you know that they
portrayed an average of 84 killings
per one-hour show?
Well, a man's gotta reload.
My point, earwig,
is that violence on TV
desensitizes people.
Well, so does marriage, and
they haven't cancelled that yet.
Despite all my letters.
And I don't wanna hear
any of that politically-correct
rooster poop
that... That television is the
cause of all our problems.
People don't act a certain
way just because it's on TV.
You know, that's true.
Al watches a lot of sex on HBO.
And Peg watches
a lot of Models Inc.
Al, violence has no place
on the streets or on TV.
And we've gotta start somewhere.
Today Psycho Dad, tomorrow...
everything else that men enjoy.
[LAUGHING]
Okay, now can we ask him?
Are you for real,
or has someone switched you
with a pod from the planet Bimbo?
And if so, are...? Are
there more like you?
Hey, Al, what gives?
Yeah. Yeah. Did they take
off Psycho Dad on your TV too?
Oh, hey.
Hey.
Mmm. Ranch style.
Stand back, kids.
Huey, Dewey and Ewey are here.
Men, listen up.
They've cancelled Psycho Dad.
GRIFF: What? Yes.
And you know who's behind it?
Women? No.
Marcy D'Arcy, chicken-at-large.
Well, I say there's no way
we'll give up our Psycho Dad.
What can we do?
We can write letters.
Well, real men
don't write letters.
They do to Penthouse.
They got letters in Penthouse?
Of course they have
letters in Penthouse.
So you have something
to do right after you...
Right after you...
You finish reading
the interviews.
They got interviews
in Penthouse?
All right, come
on, everyone, think.
We're men. Let's use the
power of our giant manly brains.
Ma, they've been
like that for hours now.
Should we get the jumper cables?
No need.
I got it.
We'll picket the TV stations.
Once the word gets out,
our fellow men will come
from every part of the
country. Men, gather the troops.
This will be the
biggest demonstration
Chicago has ever had.
Yeah.
GRIFF: Hey, Al. AL: Yeah?
GRIFF: You remember
that letter-writing idea I had?
MEN [CHANTING]: Bring back
Psycho Dad. Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back the
feeling in my feet.
All right, take a
two-minute break.
How long have we been
here? Counting the break,
two and a half minutes.
Say, Al, don't think
that I'm not grateful
for your dragging me
out of a warm pool hall
to picket on this
balmy winter morn.
But are you sure
that anyone is giving,
oh, say, a rat's
patoot about this?
Boy, you don't know anything
about America, do you?
We know that its landscape
will be littered with
frozen dead guys
if we don't get the
hell out of here.
[GRUNTS]
Well, for your
information, ladies,
this country was founded
on the power of protest.
From the Boston Tea
Party to the March of Dimes.
The strong and the brave
have always stood up to
make their voices heard.
Well, Al Bundy, too,
will make his voice heard.
I will stand, I
will fight, I will...
Eh, boys, here comes
the cops. Ditch the signs.
Well?
Hey, Officer Dan.
How's the wife and kids?
Warm.
Why aren't I?
Well, if by that you mean
what are we doing
here, well, we, uh...
Tell him, Jefferson.
Al made us come.
Thanks, Jefferson.
Nice cover. Okay.
Okay, boys, let's
head for the squad car.
Aren't you even gonna search us?
It's 13 degrees out here.
I don't even care what
I've got concealed.
Oh, come on, Dan.
Give us a break.
We're just
protesting, that's all.
Protest or no protest.
You just can't gather a...
Psycho Dad?
They took off Psycho Dad?
ALL: Bring back Psycho
Dad. Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
AL: I don't understand it.
The press must have
gotten wind of this by now.
What could be keeping
them? Polar bears, maybe?
AL: All right, a couple
of more times around
and we'll take a few months off.
Hey, look, I think I see
another protestor coming.
Okay, snap to, boys.
Make him feel welcome.
ALL: Bring back Psycho Dad.
BUD: Let your kids have a party.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
Let your kids have a party.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
Let... Hey now!
Sergeant at Arms Ike,
eject the infidel.
IKE: Yeah, get him.
Get him, Ike! Get him!
[SCREAMS]
Hey, Al, I've got an idea.
Bob Rooney's got
a heated garage.
Yeah, and he's got the
profile of a manatee too.
What's your point?
Well, we could protest
there and be warm.
Hmmm.
Protest in Bob Rooney's garage.
But how can we be sure our
message will reach the people?
We'll leave our signs outside.
Genius.
Now, let's see.
It's 40 degrees below zero
with 20 mile an hour winds.
Who do we send outside today?
One of our many Aryan anchormen,
or the woman from a country
named after the equator?
You're on. Hi.
This is Miranda Veracruz
de la Jolla Cardenal.
And we are here live
outside the studios of WHBZ,
where some sort of
pro-violence demonstration
was supposed to be held.
But the only evidence we
could find is a crumpled copy
of Penthouse Magazine
and the name "Al"
mysteriously written in the snow.
So once again, it
seems the joke's on me.
[PHONY LAUGH]
This is Miranda Veracruz
de la Jolla Cardenal saying:
I'd have that anchor job by now
if I had just slept
with Peter Jennings
instead of Andy Rooney.
Hi, Daddy. How are you feeling?
Well, let's see.
Aha. I'm dead.
Oh, good.
Now, what would
you say if I told you
that Bud and I got Psycho
Dad back on the air?
You got Psycho
Dad back on the air?
You better not be kidding
or you're gonna have
to outrun the Dodge.
BUCK: Rush Limbaugh
can outrun the Dodge.
No, seriously, Dad,
if we could get Psycho
Dad back on the air,
would you let us throw a party?
Son, if you got Psycho
Dad back on the air,
not only would I let
you throw a party,
I'd provide the fake vomit.
Well, break out the barf, Dad,
because we got Psycho
Dad back on the air,
and it's on right now.
Oh, um... But, uh, close
your eyes first, Dad,
because, uh, there's
still a few minutes left
of Saved by the Bell,
The Prison Years.
[WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING OVER TV]
And now, the return of
your favorite Western,
Psycho Dad.
Well, shut my mouth
and call me Mary.
That is Psycho Dad.
That is Psycho Dad.
Uh-oh.
What...? What's wrong? [GROANS]
Just my stinking
luck. It's a rerun.
A rerun? Yeah,
yeah, I recognize this episode.
This is the part where
he's gonna shoot his wife,
she ducks, and he accidentally
kills President Lincoln instead.
Damn women. Well,
that's no problem.
I'll just fast-forward the tape
to the part you don't remember.
Dad, we only did this
to make you happy.
Yeah, it wasn't to trick you
into letting us have a party
or that nifty vomit
thing or anything.
I knew it was too
good to be true.
So can we have a party?
Begone, children of the corn.
Way to go, VCR Minus.
Oh, well, like
they say in France,
comme ci, comme di.
Al, turn on the TV.
Psycho Dad's on.
Yeah, and my wife and kids
are just figments of
Stephen King's imagination.
No, really. It's on the news.
He's holding a press conference.
He is? He is. I knew he
wouldn't take this lying down.
Hey, I bet he got my letter.
You wrote Psycho Dad a letter?
Well, not actually a letter,
but I cut out some letters
from the newspaper
and taped it in, you know.
Like the way Psycho Dad did
when he kidnapped
the circuit judge
so there couldn't be no wedding.
[CHATTERING]
I knew the Psychster wouldn't
let his biggest fans down.
[CHUCKLES]
Sure the cancellation
was a shock.
I felt hurt, I'd been rejected.
I thought, "Well,
nobody cares anymore
about a simple saga of a
guy run amok in the old West."
The man's a freaking poet.
And while I was at my
lowest, this letter arrived.
Maybe that's my letter.
It came postage due.
It is my letter.
I'd like to read it to you now.
"Dear, Syko Dad,"
spelled S-Y-K-O.
What? You try to find
P's and H's in USA Today.
"Hi, my name is Al.
I'm just a regular Joe.
"Sure I scored four
touchdowns in a game once.
"But that's not the
point. The point is,
"I like you, Psycho Dad,
I really, really like you.
"No, not in that way.
"So please don't
let them take you off.
"I beg you, fight this thing
like you would fight a varmint
"or an ex-wife.
"Your friend, Al.
P.S., What does Barbara
Eden look like naked?"
Barbara Eden?
She's 1000.
I didn't mean now.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this letter has made clear to me
that if Psycho Dad
elicits this kind of
response from the public,
there's only one thing I can do.
ALL: Fight! Fight!
Quit. ALL: What?
Yes, quit.
Quit, apologize,
and renounce forever the
character of Psycho Dad.
If this is the kind of
following that I inspire,
then I'm afraid I
must stop leading.
However, since the network's
offering me big bucks,
be sure to watch
me in my new show:
Lefkowitz, Special
Education Teacher's Aide.
Thank you.
Uh, and to you, Al,
goodbye
and, uh, get help.
I can't believe Psycho
Dad would sell us out.
That's not Psycho Dad talking.
He doesn't use
words like "character"
or "education" or "Lefkowitz."
He's been brainwashed by people
like Marcy and her do-gooders.
Well, we've got to
think of something.
Use the power of our
giant manly brains?
No, that would take too long.
Yeah. What would Psycho
Dad do if he were one of us?
He would, uh...
He'd take some women
hostage and make 'em do laundry.
No, Psycho Dad
don't have no laundry.
He's been wearing the same
Psycho suit for seven years.
And now he's
hanging it up for good.
Well, we can't just sit
here and let it happen.
What do you want us to do?
We're not going back to
Ice Station Zebra again.
No.
I'm taking this
fight to the place
that stands for liberty.
That stands for
freedom of expression.
The nudie bar?
No. Well, maybe first.
Then we're going to
our nation's capital.
Gentlemen, NO MA'AM
is going to Washington!
[ALL CHEERING]
[♪♪♪]
Disodium guanylate.
Diacetyl tartaric acid.
I don't feel good
about this, Bud.
I mean, I know we're mad at Dad
for not letting us have
a party and everything,
but even he
doesn't deserve this.
This is cool and
unusable punishment.
Desperate times call for
desperate measures, Kel.
Now, just a little
pyridoxine hydrochloride...
and voilà.
Snack mountain.
Now, once Dad washes this down
with tonight's episode
of Psycho Dad,
he'll say yes quicker
than you do on a first date.
Sure hope you're right.
Oh, good morning, kids.
Gee, you guys are up
early. What time is it?
Five p.m.
Oh, darn, I slept
through my afternoon nap.
So, what are you up to?
Oh, just trying to bribe Daddy
into letting us have a party.
You know, that could be tough.
I don't think he's
forgotten the last one.
You know, the
nightsticks, the sirens,
the strip-searches...
Not to mention what happened
after the police got here.
Mom, a woman only turns 12 once.
I'm much more of
an adulteress now.
So you think
Dad'll go for it, Ma?
Well, I don't know,
but at least you have his
two favorite food groups here.
Greasy and salty.
And to seal the deal,
Psycho Dad's on tonight.
Yeah, for the sake of the party,
I hope he still likes the show.
♪ Who's that riding
Into the sun? ♪
♪ Who's the man
With the itchy gun? ♪
♪ Who's the man
Who kills for fun? ♪
♪ Psycho Dad ♪
♪ Psycho Dad ♪
♪ Psycho Dad ♪
Hi, Bud. Hi, Kelly.
Hi, couch monster.
Does anybody
know what night it is?
The night the rest of your
body secedes from your armpits?
You know, Peg, how
do you think of those
and fight gravity
at the same time?
Anyway, tonight there's a very
special episode of the Dad on.
He caught his wife
and the schoolmarm
teaching his son housework,
but he's only got
one cartridge left.
What does he do?
What would any of us do?
Dad, ahem, did you...?
Did you notice we made
you some Psycho Dad vittles?
Yes, a veritable
coronary-copia of your favorites.
Sorry, but they were out of
the, uh, twice-fried gristle logs.
Ah, you two are the best kids
any father
accidentally ever had.
Now, come on, beat it.
Psycho Dad's coming on.
When do we ask
him about the party?
Okay, as soon as
Psycho Dad is over. Okay.
MAN [OVER TV]: And
now, ladies and gentlemen...
Psycho Dad!
Will not be seen tonight
so we may present
the All Barbara Special.
Stay tuned as Barbara Walters
interviews Barbra Streisand,
Barbara Bush, and then
Barbra Streisand again.
No Psycho Dad?
How can this be, Peg?
What moron is behind this?
♪ Who's the guy
Whose show is done? ♪
♪ Whose TV hero's on the run? ♪
♪ Who'll be watching VH1? ♪
♪ Loser Al, Loser Al Loser Al ♪
Marcy, I don't think
this is a very good time.
Are you kidding?
This is a great time.
My women's group finally
helped get Psycho Dad cancelled.
Cancelled? You got it cancelled?
Indeed-y do.
Okay, now can we ask him?
No.
Why not? The show
couldn't be more over.
Why, Marcy?
Because Psycho Dad was
the most violent program on TV.
Did you know that they
portrayed an average of 84 killings
per one-hour show?
Well, a man's gotta reload.
My point, earwig,
is that violence on TV
desensitizes people.
Well, so does marriage, and
they haven't cancelled that yet.
Despite all my letters.
And I don't wanna hear
any of that politically-correct
rooster poop
that... That television is the
cause of all our problems.
People don't act a certain
way just because it's on TV.
You know, that's true.
Al watches a lot of sex on HBO.
And Peg watches
a lot of Models Inc.
Al, violence has no place
on the streets or on TV.
And we've gotta start somewhere.
Today Psycho Dad, tomorrow...
everything else that men enjoy.
[LAUGHING]
Okay, now can we ask him?
Are you for real,
or has someone switched you
with a pod from the planet Bimbo?
And if so, are...? Are
there more like you?
Hey, Al, what gives?
Yeah. Yeah. Did they take
off Psycho Dad on your TV too?
Oh, hey.
Hey.
Mmm. Ranch style.
Stand back, kids.
Huey, Dewey and Ewey are here.
Men, listen up.
They've cancelled Psycho Dad.
GRIFF: What? Yes.
And you know who's behind it?
Women? No.
Marcy D'Arcy, chicken-at-large.
Well, I say there's no way
we'll give up our Psycho Dad.
What can we do?
We can write letters.
Well, real men
don't write letters.
They do to Penthouse.
They got letters in Penthouse?
Of course they have
letters in Penthouse.
So you have something
to do right after you...
Right after you...
You finish reading
the interviews.
They got interviews
in Penthouse?
All right, come
on, everyone, think.
We're men. Let's use the
power of our giant manly brains.
Ma, they've been
like that for hours now.
Should we get the jumper cables?
No need.
I got it.
We'll picket the TV stations.
Once the word gets out,
our fellow men will come
from every part of the
country. Men, gather the troops.
This will be the
biggest demonstration
Chicago has ever had.
Yeah.
GRIFF: Hey, Al. AL: Yeah?
GRIFF: You remember
that letter-writing idea I had?
MEN [CHANTING]: Bring back
Psycho Dad. Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back the
feeling in my feet.
All right, take a
two-minute break.
How long have we been
here? Counting the break,
two and a half minutes.
Say, Al, don't think
that I'm not grateful
for your dragging me
out of a warm pool hall
to picket on this
balmy winter morn.
But are you sure
that anyone is giving,
oh, say, a rat's
patoot about this?
Boy, you don't know anything
about America, do you?
We know that its landscape
will be littered with
frozen dead guys
if we don't get the
hell out of here.
[GRUNTS]
Well, for your
information, ladies,
this country was founded
on the power of protest.
From the Boston Tea
Party to the March of Dimes.
The strong and the brave
have always stood up to
make their voices heard.
Well, Al Bundy, too,
will make his voice heard.
I will stand, I
will fight, I will...
Eh, boys, here comes
the cops. Ditch the signs.
Well?
Hey, Officer Dan.
How's the wife and kids?
Warm.
Why aren't I?
Well, if by that you mean
what are we doing
here, well, we, uh...
Tell him, Jefferson.
Al made us come.
Thanks, Jefferson.
Nice cover. Okay.
Okay, boys, let's
head for the squad car.
Aren't you even gonna search us?
It's 13 degrees out here.
I don't even care what
I've got concealed.
Oh, come on, Dan.
Give us a break.
We're just
protesting, that's all.
Protest or no protest.
You just can't gather a...
Psycho Dad?
They took off Psycho Dad?
ALL: Bring back Psycho
Dad. Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
AL: I don't understand it.
The press must have
gotten wind of this by now.
What could be keeping
them? Polar bears, maybe?
AL: All right, a couple
of more times around
and we'll take a few months off.
Hey, look, I think I see
another protestor coming.
Okay, snap to, boys.
Make him feel welcome.
ALL: Bring back Psycho Dad.
BUD: Let your kids have a party.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
Let your kids have a party.
Bring back Psycho Dad.
Let... Hey now!
Sergeant at Arms Ike,
eject the infidel.
IKE: Yeah, get him.
Get him, Ike! Get him!
[SCREAMS]
Hey, Al, I've got an idea.
Bob Rooney's got
a heated garage.
Yeah, and he's got the
profile of a manatee too.
What's your point?
Well, we could protest
there and be warm.
Hmmm.
Protest in Bob Rooney's garage.
But how can we be sure our
message will reach the people?
We'll leave our signs outside.
Genius.
Now, let's see.
It's 40 degrees below zero
with 20 mile an hour winds.
Who do we send outside today?
One of our many Aryan anchormen,
or the woman from a country
named after the equator?
You're on. Hi.
This is Miranda Veracruz
de la Jolla Cardenal.
And we are here live
outside the studios of WHBZ,
where some sort of
pro-violence demonstration
was supposed to be held.
But the only evidence we
could find is a crumpled copy
of Penthouse Magazine
and the name "Al"
mysteriously written in the snow.
So once again, it
seems the joke's on me.
[PHONY LAUGH]
This is Miranda Veracruz
de la Jolla Cardenal saying:
I'd have that anchor job by now
if I had just slept
with Peter Jennings
instead of Andy Rooney.
Hi, Daddy. How are you feeling?
Well, let's see.
Aha. I'm dead.
Oh, good.
Now, what would
you say if I told you
that Bud and I got Psycho
Dad back on the air?
You got Psycho
Dad back on the air?
You better not be kidding
or you're gonna have
to outrun the Dodge.
BUCK: Rush Limbaugh
can outrun the Dodge.
No, seriously, Dad,
if we could get Psycho
Dad back on the air,
would you let us throw a party?
Son, if you got Psycho
Dad back on the air,
not only would I let
you throw a party,
I'd provide the fake vomit.
Well, break out the barf, Dad,
because we got Psycho
Dad back on the air,
and it's on right now.
Oh, um... But, uh, close
your eyes first, Dad,
because, uh, there's
still a few minutes left
of Saved by the Bell,
The Prison Years.
[WESTERN MUSIC PLAYING OVER TV]
And now, the return of
your favorite Western,
Psycho Dad.
Well, shut my mouth
and call me Mary.
That is Psycho Dad.
That is Psycho Dad.
Uh-oh.
What...? What's wrong? [GROANS]
Just my stinking
luck. It's a rerun.
A rerun? Yeah,
yeah, I recognize this episode.
This is the part where
he's gonna shoot his wife,
she ducks, and he accidentally
kills President Lincoln instead.
Damn women. Well,
that's no problem.
I'll just fast-forward the tape
to the part you don't remember.
Dad, we only did this
to make you happy.
Yeah, it wasn't to trick you
into letting us have a party
or that nifty vomit
thing or anything.
I knew it was too
good to be true.
So can we have a party?
Begone, children of the corn.
Way to go, VCR Minus.
Oh, well, like
they say in France,
comme ci, comme di.
Al, turn on the TV.
Psycho Dad's on.
Yeah, and my wife and kids
are just figments of
Stephen King's imagination.
No, really. It's on the news.
He's holding a press conference.
He is? He is. I knew he
wouldn't take this lying down.
Hey, I bet he got my letter.
You wrote Psycho Dad a letter?
Well, not actually a letter,
but I cut out some letters
from the newspaper
and taped it in, you know.
Like the way Psycho Dad did
when he kidnapped
the circuit judge
so there couldn't be no wedding.
[CHATTERING]
I knew the Psychster wouldn't
let his biggest fans down.
[CHUCKLES]
Sure the cancellation
was a shock.
I felt hurt, I'd been rejected.
I thought, "Well,
nobody cares anymore
about a simple saga of a
guy run amok in the old West."
The man's a freaking poet.
And while I was at my
lowest, this letter arrived.
Maybe that's my letter.
It came postage due.
It is my letter.
I'd like to read it to you now.
"Dear, Syko Dad,"
spelled S-Y-K-O.
What? You try to find
P's and H's in USA Today.
"Hi, my name is Al.
I'm just a regular Joe.
"Sure I scored four
touchdowns in a game once.
"But that's not the
point. The point is,
"I like you, Psycho Dad,
I really, really like you.
"No, not in that way.
"So please don't
let them take you off.
"I beg you, fight this thing
like you would fight a varmint
"or an ex-wife.
"Your friend, Al.
P.S., What does Barbara
Eden look like naked?"
Barbara Eden?
She's 1000.
I didn't mean now.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this letter has made clear to me
that if Psycho Dad
elicits this kind of
response from the public,
there's only one thing I can do.
ALL: Fight! Fight!
Quit. ALL: What?
Yes, quit.
Quit, apologize,
and renounce forever the
character of Psycho Dad.
If this is the kind of
following that I inspire,
then I'm afraid I
must stop leading.
However, since the network's
offering me big bucks,
be sure to watch
me in my new show:
Lefkowitz, Special
Education Teacher's Aide.
Thank you.
Uh, and to you, Al,
goodbye
and, uh, get help.
I can't believe Psycho
Dad would sell us out.
That's not Psycho Dad talking.
He doesn't use
words like "character"
or "education" or "Lefkowitz."
He's been brainwashed by people
like Marcy and her do-gooders.
Well, we've got to
think of something.
Use the power of our
giant manly brains?
No, that would take too long.
Yeah. What would Psycho
Dad do if he were one of us?
He would, uh...
He'd take some women
hostage and make 'em do laundry.
No, Psycho Dad
don't have no laundry.
He's been wearing the same
Psycho suit for seven years.
And now he's
hanging it up for good.
Well, we can't just sit
here and let it happen.
What do you want us to do?
We're not going back to
Ice Station Zebra again.
No.
I'm taking this
fight to the place
that stands for liberty.
That stands for
freedom of expression.
The nudie bar?
No. Well, maybe first.
Then we're going to
our nation's capital.
Gentlemen, NO MA'AM
is going to Washington!
[ALL CHEERING]
[♪♪♪]