Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 9, Episode 1 - Shoeway to Heaven - full transcript

Al and Jefferson decide to cash in on 1970s nostalgia by selling shoes from that period.

Hi. I'm Billy Ray Wetnapp

for Pest Boys Extermination.

And I'm Kelly, your friendly
neighborhood Verminator.

And if you're like me,

there's nothing you love more

than a good old-fashion cookout.

But if there's one thing
that fries my frankfurter

it's sharing my buns with
a bunch of pesky insects.

Well, if bugs are
making you sizzle

just pick up a can of our
newest insect repellent,

Pure-T-Poison.



And to demonstrate
just how effective it is

we've sprayed the
Verminator's left arm with it,

and if she wants her paycheck,

she'll have to
stick that left arm

into this cage of ravenous
Samoan dragon beetles

and take it.

Left?

Right. Got ya.

Aah...

Boy, I tell you,

I'd rather have my
ass caned in Singapore

than get bit by one of them.

Aah!

Somebody shoot
me. Shoot me, please.



Well, it's Manny, me
and Ma here at Pest Boys,

where our motto is:

"The only good bugs
is named Bunny."

Although, we'd kill
him too if you paid us.

Aah!

"Left? Right. Got ya"?

You know, if you were any
dumber, my IQ would go down.

Bud, spare me your
icky boy opinions

and let's get back
to the side effects.

Look, all it says is that, uh,

Samoans use these beetles
to make a kind of truth serum.

Truth serum?

Yeah, you know, it makes
it impossible for you to lie.

For instance,

if someone was to ask you,
"How much is two plus two?"

Now, you would have
to be honest and answer:

Duh.

Oh, yeah? Mm-hm.

Well, I may insult you back,

but deep down inside
I envy your intelligence

and hope you can't
see through me.

Well, this could
certainly be fun.

What am I gonna do?

Hello?

Hi, Bud.

Oh, hi, Mom.

How's everything in,
uh, Wanker County?

Oh, fine. Grandma's
doing much better.

It was just a mild heart attack,

but it took us all by surprise.

Oh, please.

Jupiter's got moons that
weigh less than she does.

By the way, Mom,

Kelly's been real
anxious to talk to you.

Yeah. Hold on a
second. No, no, no.

I don't want... Take the phone.

I don't want to...
Take the phone.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, sweetheart. How is everyone?

All right, I guess.

Dad's at the shoe
store and Bud is, uh,

holding his own.

And how are you?

Well, fine.

Especially considering what a
horrible role model you were...

but then again you were
too busy watching TV

and dyeing your hair, so...

Oh...

I'll see you in a few
weeks, Mom. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Those stupid beetles
have me telling

the truth to my own mother.

That is the squaw that
stroked the camel's sack.

Why can't I have a job I
love like everybody else?

Oh, God, I hate my job.

Hey, Al?

I'm back here, Jefferson.

Oh, hey, Al. What are you doin'?

I'm doin' some inventory.
What's goin' on with you?

Oh, Marcy's in another
one of her foul moods.

PMS.

You know,
post-MasterCard syndrome.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, she can charge
anything any time she wants

but let me buy one stinking

ivory-inlaid pool table...

Oh, well. You wanna come over

and see what the limit on
a Platinum card looks like

before they haul it away?

No, to tell you the truth,

I'm looking forward
to a great night of sex.

I thought Peggy was out of town.

She is, that's what
makes it so good.

Good one.

Do me a favor, hand me that box

of sandals over
there, would you?

Oh, sure.

Hey, you know, maybe Marcy
could use a pair of sandals...

Hey.

Jefferson, are you okay?

I think I got whiplash.

Well, I don't have no insurance.

Well, then I don't
have whiplash.

Wait a second, Al...

Wait a second. There's a
bunch of boxes back here, Al.

Give me a hand.
Move them over here.

Check this out.
Man. What the hell?

Hey, Jefferson,

maybe this is Al
Capone's treasure.

Why would Al Capone
hide his treasure

in the wall of a
women's shoe store?

Maybe he was dating
J. Edgar Hoover.

Come on, let's get
this stuff outside.

It's pretty heavy.

Oh, please let it be money.

It's gotta be money.
I know it's money.

I know it, I know
it, I know it...

It's shoes. I knew it.

Shoes.

Al, what kind of numskull
would hide shoes

in a shoe store?

Me.

I didn't like doing
inventory in the '70s either.

Ah, the '70s.

The clothes, the
shoes, the music.

Oh, boy, did they suck.

Come on, help me
wall this stuff back up.

Oh, no, no, no.
Wait a second, Al.

Don't you know what's
goin' on in the world?

Oh, look at me, Jefferson.
You know that I don't.

Al, '70s fashions
are back in style now.

These shoes, my friend,
are worth a lot of money.

Yeah, right. These shoes cost
less than 20 bucks back then.

I know those shoes.

They were called Foxy Ladies.

I'll give you $200 for those.

Who do I pay?

Oh, yeah.

Jefferson, 100 bucks each.

You know what this means?

You have to put great sex
off for some other night?

Put it off?

Hell, I'm havin' it right now.

Hi, I'm Terry Murphy
with What's Hip in Chicago.

And today I'm standing
in what used to be called

Gary's Shoes and Accessories,

but thanks to the
genius of one man...

Uh, that's, uh...
That's two men.

Two men.

The hip, the trendy and pathetic

are flocking to Al
Bundy's House of Sole.

And now I'd like you to
meet the shoe guru himself,

Mr. Al Bundy.

♪ Money, money, money ♪

♪ Love that money ♪

♪ Money, money, money ♪

Four touchdowns in
one game, you say?

My, isn't that something?

But for the few viewers
we have left, Mr. Bundy,

what inspired you to
create this environment?

Well, you see, Terr...

Uh, you don't mind if I
call you Terr, do you?

Yes, I mind.

Oh, well, you see,
Terr, I think that the...

I think the '70s symbolizes
the very best in America.

Um, take The Avengers,

the Shelby Cobra,
"Bad Moon Rising."

That was the '60s.

Oh. Well, take Miami Vice,

the DeLorean,

"Ebony and Ivory."

That was the '80s.

Hm.

Well, what happened in the '70s?

The Ford Pinto,

Diff'rent Strokes
and Billy Beer.

Yikes.

This is Terry Murphy
for What's Hip in Chicago,

wishing I were Terry
Murphy for What's Hip in L.A.

Diff'rent Strokes, really?

Back to you, Bob.

Cut.

Well, Dad, as
near as I can count

you got 30 crates back there

with, uh, 10 pair
of shoes per crate.

Oh, man.

That's 30-times-something shoes.

That's exactly what Kelly said.

Right after, she said your
lack of parental guidance

was directly responsible
for her low self-esteem

and has colored her
relationship with all men.

Oh, and your feet stink.

But she's still gonna
model for me, isn't she?

Yeah.

Then what are you
bothering me for?

Go count some shoes.

Hey, Al.

We've cleared over
5 grand today already.

And the more we raise the
price, the more they want 'em.

Oh, man.

Oh, women are idiots. Yeah.

Ah, you gotta love them. Yeah.

I gotta have some.

Not now, Marcy, I'm working.

Not you, a pair of these shoes.

Do you know what I was doing

the last time I was
wearing shoes like these?

Inspiring Helen Reddy to write
her new song "I Am Poultry"?

Sitting with my friends
in a room full of incense,

singing protest songs
like "Who'll Stop the Rain,"

"Everyday People,"
"Kung Fu Fighting."

Our generation wasn't
hung up on material things.

Do you have these in a nine?

Give me those, they're mine.

They're mine. Hey.
Hey, now. Whoa, now.

Ladies. Ladie... Now,
my little super freak.

Now, there's a lot more
where this came from.

Kelly, a pair of
Honey Wests, please.

Kelly, those shoes
are so far-out.

They're trippy, they're groovy,

they're uptight, out of sight.

What do you think?

Truthfully?

Of course.

Well, since you asked,

I think that there's
nothing more pathetic

than trying to relive your
glory days through your feet.

Much like your
hairstyle, Mrs. D'Arcy,

the '70s are history.

It's just you and Alvin
the Chipmunk now.

At least he has
a pleasant voice.

You'll, uh, have
to forgive Kelly

for that Alvin crack.

Personally, I think your
voice sounds like Simon.

So what are you gonna
do with your share, Al?

I always said if I
came into a little money

I'd spread it around
the community.

You know, give
a little to charity.

Of course, I just said that.

Yeah, I'll probably spend
it all on hookers and booze.

Or her.

Al. Al, that's Dominique,

the highest-paid lingerie
model in the world.

Page 36, Soft and
Slinky catalogue.

The plum-Lycra teddy?

I didn't recognize her
not straddling a cannon.

Hi. Can somebody help me?

Yes, uh...

My name is Al Bundy,

and I was born
to rock your world.

Well, that answered
none of my questions.

I'm booked to appear on
a TV special this weekend

and I need some really
funky shoes to wear.

This is where you talk.

Huh?

Oh, shoes? Oh, we got shoes.

Yeah, here's some shoes.

Oh.

Oh, I like these.

How much? For what?

Oh, shoes? The shoes.

Oh, we got shoes.
Here's some shoes.

How much?

Well, for you I could
probably let them go for...

Free.

I wouldn't feel comfortable
just taking them.

No. I wouldn't feel comfortable

just giving them to you.

No, no, uh, they're
yours providing,

when you're on the show, you
mention where you got them.

Oh, that sounds fair.

You know, that's
very, very kind of you.

I'll do it. Al Bundy's
House of Sole.

Yeah, where the shoes are free
and the salesmen are morons.

What the hell did
you do that for?

Al, it's a plug on
network television.

Network, it means
the whole country.

Not if it's NBC.

Look, Al, don't you see?

If she mentions the
name of the store on TV,

we can sell these shoes
for anything we want.

This could be the biggest
thing that ever happened to you.

Bigger than high
school football?

Even bigger than that.

God.

Dad, you're out of shoes.

Of course.

Are-are you sure
about this, Bud?

What do I look like, an idiot?

You're still out of shoes.

And you still
look like an idiot.

All right, no problem.

Now, there's gotta be dozens

of shoemakers in the phone book.

We'll just, uh...

We'll call one, have him copy
the shoes we have and, uh,

we'll say they're authentic.

Jefferson, won't making
all these new shoes

cost even more money
than we already have?

Ah, no sweat.

We'll refinance your house.

Yeah, that should
be easy to get a sixth.

I gotta hand it
to you, Jefferson,

these knockoffs look
just like the originals.

Well, if you want the best,
you've gotta go to the best.

If it wouldn't be too
much trouble for thee,

might I have a little
air conditioning?

No, thee may "noot."

Now, any more
complaints out of you,

I'm gonna have your
buckboard towed.

Now, get back in there to work.

Please, I gotta have
these. How much?

Oh, we don't know yet, ma'am.

The price won't be fixed
for a few more minutes.

All right, ladies,
it's, uh, shoe time.

Excuse me.

Live at the Kennedy Center,

welcome to Fox's first annual

Lingerie Award.

And here's our host, Dominique.

Not the body, you
idiots, the shoes.

Show the shoes.

Before I present the first award

I'd like to thank a
very special man

who has shoed my world.

We're rich.

Goodbye, Peg.
Hello, everybody else.

These shoes were a special gift

given to me by Al Bundy

of Al Bundy's House of Sole.

Yes.

Methinks the price
be fixed now, ladies.

And now, for the category
of Best Supporting Bra

in a comedy, musical
or news special...

Oh, my God,

Dominique just fell
into the orchestra pit.

Ladies and gentlemen

the heel of Dominique's shoe

has fallen off.

It appears she
has, at the very least

broken her leg in one,

two, three places.

Hello, Peg.

Goodbye, everybody else.

And it's all because
of one shoddy shoe

from Al Bundy's House of Sole.

You know, why
don't they just spell it?

That's A-L B-U-N-D-Y
apostrophe S

House of Sole.

Uh, serving number one.

Serving... Serving number two.

Serving...

Serving three through 99.

Serving life without
the possibility of parole.

So it is true that
one of thy shoes

hast broken the leg of fabulous
supermodel Dominique?

Afraid so.

Well, then, thou art waist-deep

in the big muddy.

Waist-deep and upside down.

Go raise a barn, Hiram.

Well, listen, Al,

if there's anything I
can do, you just name it.

Well, Jefferson, you... See ya.

Well, I guess there's
nothin' left to do...

but close up.

♪ Money, money, money ♪

♪ Love that money ♪

♪ Money, money, money ♪

♪ Love that money ♪

♪ Money, money, money ♪

♪ Love that money ♪

♪ Money, money, money ♪

♪ Love that money ♪

♪ Money, money, money ♪