Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 8, Episode 8 - Scared Single - full transcript
Al hires Aaron, a recent Polk high school graduate to work in his shoe store for the summer. Aaron sees Al as a hero and when he announces of his decision to marry, Al takes full advantage by giving the boy the benefit of wisdom not to ever marry and become like him and millions of other long-suffering married men: losers. Meanwhile, while working as the Verminator, Kelly accidentally gets a face-full of bug spray which causes her to start behaving very strangely.
Hi.
I'm Billy Ray Wetnap from
Pest Boys Exterminators,
where our motto is "There's
no bug we can't plug."
And to prove it, our
very own Verminator
has volunteered to
get into this glass cage
with 10,000 Peruvian
stinging beetles.
Stinging beetles?
You said they were
gonna be ladybugs.
Now she's armed with nothing
but her Verminator spray gun
filled with our new poison...
The reason that the Peruvian
stingin' beetle is so large
is that 80% of his body
weight is pure-D venom.
They don't even
lose their stingers
like them sissy-fied
African killer bees.
Well, it looks like our
very own Verminator's
in a little bit of trouble.
But you won't be if you
call Manny, me or Ma
at Pest Boys Exterminators.
Call 1-800-LEGS-UP,
where our motto is
"If you wish it
we will squish it."
Hi, Mom.
It says right here the
Peruvian beetle sting
can cause temporary insanity.
But on the bright side, it
has a delightful mating call
and stays crunchy in milk.
Well, the doctor said
she seems to be fine.
The pods!
The pods! They're opening!
Is that you, Napoleon?
No, Rhett, it's me.
And mark my words,
the South shall rise again.
Peg...
Peg, Bud, man, do
I have good news!
Al, aren't you
forgetting someone?
Ah, Peg, she's nuts.
Nuts or not, she
is still our daughter.
Oh, all right, Peg.
Hi, pumpkin.
Isn't that cute?
I used to call her
pumpkin, now she is one.
But, Peg, anyway,
like I was saying,
man, I got good news!
Tomorrow, not only
will I be selling shoes,
I will be selling
ladies' handbags.
Wow!
That high school diploma
is really starting to pay off.
Anyway, Kelly,
guess who has the job of
hiring the new employee.
Oh, now, I wouldn't go
a-plowin' today, Brer Bear.
Let me try this one more time
while the liquor
stores are open.
Al, are you trying to tell us
that they're gonna put you
in charge of doing the hiring?
Yes, I am.
And let us hope I
pick more carefully
than I've done in the past.
I must be careful and selective.
I must not hire the first
boob who walks in the door.
You're hired.
Shouldn't I fill out
an application first?
Oh, good idea.
Here you are.
Uh, right over here.
Have a seat. Get out.
Oh!
You'll be hearing
from my lawyer.
Threats don't frighten me.
I'm married...
To my job, not to
some giant big redhead.
Where it says name,
do you want mine?
Ah, no. Just a simple
naked photo will do.
Well, well, well...
It's true what they say.
Even in hard times,
consumers still flock to quality.
Excuse me, Al,
is this seat taken?
Or this one? Or this one?
Marcy, come here.
Look.
There's a woman.
Aren't they something?
So what do you want?
Jefferson has something to say.
Jefferson...
Yeah, Al, I'm...
I'm here to apply for the jo...
For the jo...
Job! Job! Say it!
I am tired of coming
home every night
and finding you watching
the Home Shopping Network.
Look, Marcy, I don't know the
first thing about selling shoes.
Is this the right color for me?
Absolutely.
It brings out the
violet in your eyes.
I'll take twelve.
I'm sorry, Marcy,
but the job has
already been filled
by someone far more qualified.
Mr. Bundy, where it says date,
do you want his name
or where we went?
That's... That's Heidi.
She's dumb as toast,
but I'd kill for her.
And I'd start with you.
You piece of algae.
If you think that I am
going to stand idly by
and let you hire some
salute-to-silicone...
instead of an obviously
more qualified person,
then you're wrong, Al Bundy.
I'll have my woman's
group down here so fast,
it'll make your
bulbous head swim.
My Jefferson is far
more qualified than...
I'm not just a shoe salesman.
I also direct movies for HBO.
Oh!
Let's go, Jefferson.
Marcy, I thought you
wanted me to get a job.
Your job is pleasing
me and I am not pleased.
That's my mom.
"Sex."
This could take a while.
Can I write on the
back? The front's all full.
Yes, yes. And feel free to
move around if you want to.
I'm here to apply for
the shoe salesman's job.
Job's taken. Get out.
Polk High!
♪ Oh, Polk, you're the
best of all the schools ♪
♪ For you, we'll always cheer ♪
♪ By day we learn
to read and write ♪
♪ By night our team
will fight, fight, fight ♪
♪ No matter where we are ♪
♪ We'll always give a rah ♪
♪ For P-O-L-K ♪
♪ P-O-L-K ♪
♪ Polk, Polk, Polk ♪
Aaron Mitchell, class of '93.
Al Bundy, all
class all the time.
Wait a second.
Al Bundy?
The All-State Al Bundy?
I was.
I thought you died in 'Nam.
No.
Well, actually, I... I
started that rumor.
See, I died here at
home, victim of agent red.
Al Bundy.
Do you know what a
hero you are to me?
I presume you're referring
to my four touchdowns
in one game.
Well, that and the
four holes you drilled
into the walls of
the girls locker room.
For years, I didn't
think women had heads.
Well, I see you
play a little ball.
No, no, no, no. You played ball.
I was just All-City.
I was lucky to
get a scholarship.
I got a scholarship to college.
And what happened?
An injury. Tackle broke my leg.
Wife broke her water. The end.
But... all things considered,
I... I think things
turned out pretty well.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Sorry to hear the
job's filled, but...
you know, it was worth the
trip here just to meet you.
And if it's any consolation,
the players didn't
start making big money
till after your career would
have been over anyway.
Well, that big shoe
money's still coming down.
Hey, Bundy.
Go deep, set...
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Aah!
Ah, what the hell,
you got the job.
Really?
Thanks, Mr. Bundy.
Hey, I don't wanna impose,
but I got my
football in the car.
Would you autograph it for me?
Sure, kid. Go get it.
Did I just hear you
hire someone else?
Oh...
Yeah, you did.
What should I do?
Well...
Keep writing.
Hi, honey!
Well, I'll tell you,
we just got back
from the doctor,
and he said that
she's much better.
Al, what's wrong?
Your face looks strange.
Yeah, it's called a smile, Peg.
But don't worry about it.
I'm not taking it home with me.
Peg, you should see.
I just hired the best kid ever
to help me out
in the shoe store.
He's the football hero
at Polk High last year.
You oughta see him, Peg.
He's the son I always wanted.
Who's that over there?
Oh, that's the wife
I always wanted.
Daddy!
Peg, why can't we just put
her in David Letterman's house
and get it over with?
Come on, Kelly.
And how do we say good-bye?
Alice, you're the greatest.
I wanna thank you
again, Mr. Bundy.
I really needed this job.
Oh, that's okay. I know.
College is expensive.
Well, actually, that's
pretty much paid for.
I'm using this money
to buy a ring for my girl.
We're gonna get married.
What's wrong with
getting married?
Aaron...
sit down over here, son.
Let's have a chat.
Now, I too am a
great believer in love.
I wanna find it myself some day.
But let me give you
a little bit of advice.
Bed 'em, don't wed 'em.
Do 'em, don't woo 'em.
Date 'em, don't mate 'em.
But Angie's different.
Well, she...
Always lets you
pick out the movie?
Doesn't mind when you
wanna watch your ball game?
Can recognize a kitchen
appliance two out of three times?
That's her.
That's all women before the day.
Actually, Bundy, I
appreciate your concern,
but I want to get married.
I see now what I have to do.
Come with me.
Where're we going?
The mall lounge...
or as we like to call it,
the valley of the
shadow of death.
There they are, son.
The lost souls.
The meek, the
miserable, the married.
And over here are
the lowest of the lows...
the ones relegated to
holding their wives' purses.
What's wrong with him?
His wife is shopping
at Victoria's Secret.
She tried on a
garter belt last week.
They haven't seen it since.
And look over there,
between Burt and Carson.
It's just an empty space.
With your name on it, Aaron.
Come on, guys.
What could be better than
two people loving each other
and sharing the good
times and the bad?
A steak?
Fellas, what we've got
here is a non-believer.
A little marrying music, please.
♪ My wife will never
cook or clean ♪
♪ Still my money spends ♪
♪ Who knew when I
first chose my mate ♪
♪ That she would put
on that much weight ♪
♪ It would be a
good life for sure ♪
♪ If it only weren't with her ♪
♪ Please, K-I-L-L K-I-L-L ♪
♪ Me, me, me ♪
That's the marrying
man's fight song, son.
That and Taps.
Good luck, Aaron.
Thanks.
It's much easier to fill
this out with the light on.
Take your time.
Hello, is Aaron here?
I just came by
to bring his lunch.
Oh, thanks.
You must be Angie.
His fiancée.
Well, yes.
And you don't have
to say it, I know.
I'm the luckiest
girl in the world.
Oh, but not as lucky
as he is, I'm sure.
Why, uh...
he tells me you don't mind
when he watches sports.
Which I think is good
because there's...
There's a game on tonight
and I thought maybe
I'd invite him over to...
watch it.
Oh, I'm sure he'd love to.
I'd watch it with you,
but I have a
cooking class tonight.
You, uh...
like football and cooking?
Sure, what woman doesn't?
But, uh...
I'll bet you like to eat, huh?
Well, sure.
Aha!
You know, fruit, vegetables.
My big weakness is the
Roy Rogers salad bar.
Not that the food is bad,
I just feel guilty about
spending $1.99 on myself.
Listen, don't take
this personally,
but would you marry me?
My wife wouldn't like it,
but she doesn't
like anything I like.
You're cute.
Well, I better go or
I'll be late for work.
You work?
What else am I gonna do?
Sit around the house all day
watching Oprah and eating bonbons?
Well, at least I still have...
a chair...
where a beautiful girl once sat.
I need shoes.
Peg.
Oprah.
You know, Peg, I made a mistake.
This morning before I left here,
I thought that all women
were totally useless.
Now I realize it was just you.
I thought that all men were destined
to marry the worst possible mate,
but now I realize...
it was just me.
Oh, hi, Al.
I didn't hear you. I
was watching Oprah.
That's all right, Peg.
I was talking to Oprah.
But you know what I'm
going to do now, Peg?
I'm going to live the
life I should have had,
vicariously through Aaron.
I'm going to live my
sports life through him.
I'm going to have
dinner through him.
And if he'll let me,
I'm even going to
have sex through him.
Oh, hi, Al.
I didn't hear you. I
was watching Oprah.
Uh-huh.
If only Oprah were
on when I said "I do."
I'll get it.
No, I'll get it, Daddy.
- Oh, hi, pumpkin.
- Hi.
How are you feeling?
I'm fine. I'm all better.
Hi. Is Mr. Bundy here?
Hey, you're that
really good football guy
everyone's talking about.
Yeah, and what's your name?
Tumbalina!
Book 'em, Dano.
Great daughter. You
must be very proud.
I'd sell her for
scrap if I could.
What's going on?
I just stopped by to thank
you for setting me straight.
You made me realize
that I shouldn't
jump into marriage.
So, I broke off my
engagement with Angie
and decided to go
back to the girl I dated
all through high school.
And I want you to meet her.
Mr. Bundy, I'd like
you to meet... Meg.
Ooh, Oprah.
I'm Billy Ray Wetnap from
Pest Boys Exterminators,
where our motto is "There's
no bug we can't plug."
And to prove it, our
very own Verminator
has volunteered to
get into this glass cage
with 10,000 Peruvian
stinging beetles.
Stinging beetles?
You said they were
gonna be ladybugs.
Now she's armed with nothing
but her Verminator spray gun
filled with our new poison...
The reason that the Peruvian
stingin' beetle is so large
is that 80% of his body
weight is pure-D venom.
They don't even
lose their stingers
like them sissy-fied
African killer bees.
Well, it looks like our
very own Verminator's
in a little bit of trouble.
But you won't be if you
call Manny, me or Ma
at Pest Boys Exterminators.
Call 1-800-LEGS-UP,
where our motto is
"If you wish it
we will squish it."
Hi, Mom.
It says right here the
Peruvian beetle sting
can cause temporary insanity.
But on the bright side, it
has a delightful mating call
and stays crunchy in milk.
Well, the doctor said
she seems to be fine.
The pods!
The pods! They're opening!
Is that you, Napoleon?
No, Rhett, it's me.
And mark my words,
the South shall rise again.
Peg...
Peg, Bud, man, do
I have good news!
Al, aren't you
forgetting someone?
Ah, Peg, she's nuts.
Nuts or not, she
is still our daughter.
Oh, all right, Peg.
Hi, pumpkin.
Isn't that cute?
I used to call her
pumpkin, now she is one.
But, Peg, anyway,
like I was saying,
man, I got good news!
Tomorrow, not only
will I be selling shoes,
I will be selling
ladies' handbags.
Wow!
That high school diploma
is really starting to pay off.
Anyway, Kelly,
guess who has the job of
hiring the new employee.
Oh, now, I wouldn't go
a-plowin' today, Brer Bear.
Let me try this one more time
while the liquor
stores are open.
Al, are you trying to tell us
that they're gonna put you
in charge of doing the hiring?
Yes, I am.
And let us hope I
pick more carefully
than I've done in the past.
I must be careful and selective.
I must not hire the first
boob who walks in the door.
You're hired.
Shouldn't I fill out
an application first?
Oh, good idea.
Here you are.
Uh, right over here.
Have a seat. Get out.
Oh!
You'll be hearing
from my lawyer.
Threats don't frighten me.
I'm married...
To my job, not to
some giant big redhead.
Where it says name,
do you want mine?
Ah, no. Just a simple
naked photo will do.
Well, well, well...
It's true what they say.
Even in hard times,
consumers still flock to quality.
Excuse me, Al,
is this seat taken?
Or this one? Or this one?
Marcy, come here.
Look.
There's a woman.
Aren't they something?
So what do you want?
Jefferson has something to say.
Jefferson...
Yeah, Al, I'm...
I'm here to apply for the jo...
For the jo...
Job! Job! Say it!
I am tired of coming
home every night
and finding you watching
the Home Shopping Network.
Look, Marcy, I don't know the
first thing about selling shoes.
Is this the right color for me?
Absolutely.
It brings out the
violet in your eyes.
I'll take twelve.
I'm sorry, Marcy,
but the job has
already been filled
by someone far more qualified.
Mr. Bundy, where it says date,
do you want his name
or where we went?
That's... That's Heidi.
She's dumb as toast,
but I'd kill for her.
And I'd start with you.
You piece of algae.
If you think that I am
going to stand idly by
and let you hire some
salute-to-silicone...
instead of an obviously
more qualified person,
then you're wrong, Al Bundy.
I'll have my woman's
group down here so fast,
it'll make your
bulbous head swim.
My Jefferson is far
more qualified than...
I'm not just a shoe salesman.
I also direct movies for HBO.
Oh!
Let's go, Jefferson.
Marcy, I thought you
wanted me to get a job.
Your job is pleasing
me and I am not pleased.
That's my mom.
"Sex."
This could take a while.
Can I write on the
back? The front's all full.
Yes, yes. And feel free to
move around if you want to.
I'm here to apply for
the shoe salesman's job.
Job's taken. Get out.
Polk High!
♪ Oh, Polk, you're the
best of all the schools ♪
♪ For you, we'll always cheer ♪
♪ By day we learn
to read and write ♪
♪ By night our team
will fight, fight, fight ♪
♪ No matter where we are ♪
♪ We'll always give a rah ♪
♪ For P-O-L-K ♪
♪ P-O-L-K ♪
♪ Polk, Polk, Polk ♪
Aaron Mitchell, class of '93.
Al Bundy, all
class all the time.
Wait a second.
Al Bundy?
The All-State Al Bundy?
I was.
I thought you died in 'Nam.
No.
Well, actually, I... I
started that rumor.
See, I died here at
home, victim of agent red.
Al Bundy.
Do you know what a
hero you are to me?
I presume you're referring
to my four touchdowns
in one game.
Well, that and the
four holes you drilled
into the walls of
the girls locker room.
For years, I didn't
think women had heads.
Well, I see you
play a little ball.
No, no, no, no. You played ball.
I was just All-City.
I was lucky to
get a scholarship.
I got a scholarship to college.
And what happened?
An injury. Tackle broke my leg.
Wife broke her water. The end.
But... all things considered,
I... I think things
turned out pretty well.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Sorry to hear the
job's filled, but...
you know, it was worth the
trip here just to meet you.
And if it's any consolation,
the players didn't
start making big money
till after your career would
have been over anyway.
Well, that big shoe
money's still coming down.
Hey, Bundy.
Go deep, set...
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Aah!
Ah, what the hell,
you got the job.
Really?
Thanks, Mr. Bundy.
Hey, I don't wanna impose,
but I got my
football in the car.
Would you autograph it for me?
Sure, kid. Go get it.
Did I just hear you
hire someone else?
Oh...
Yeah, you did.
What should I do?
Well...
Keep writing.
Hi, honey!
Well, I'll tell you,
we just got back
from the doctor,
and he said that
she's much better.
Al, what's wrong?
Your face looks strange.
Yeah, it's called a smile, Peg.
But don't worry about it.
I'm not taking it home with me.
Peg, you should see.
I just hired the best kid ever
to help me out
in the shoe store.
He's the football hero
at Polk High last year.
You oughta see him, Peg.
He's the son I always wanted.
Who's that over there?
Oh, that's the wife
I always wanted.
Daddy!
Peg, why can't we just put
her in David Letterman's house
and get it over with?
Come on, Kelly.
And how do we say good-bye?
Alice, you're the greatest.
I wanna thank you
again, Mr. Bundy.
I really needed this job.
Oh, that's okay. I know.
College is expensive.
Well, actually, that's
pretty much paid for.
I'm using this money
to buy a ring for my girl.
We're gonna get married.
What's wrong with
getting married?
Aaron...
sit down over here, son.
Let's have a chat.
Now, I too am a
great believer in love.
I wanna find it myself some day.
But let me give you
a little bit of advice.
Bed 'em, don't wed 'em.
Do 'em, don't woo 'em.
Date 'em, don't mate 'em.
But Angie's different.
Well, she...
Always lets you
pick out the movie?
Doesn't mind when you
wanna watch your ball game?
Can recognize a kitchen
appliance two out of three times?
That's her.
That's all women before the day.
Actually, Bundy, I
appreciate your concern,
but I want to get married.
I see now what I have to do.
Come with me.
Where're we going?
The mall lounge...
or as we like to call it,
the valley of the
shadow of death.
There they are, son.
The lost souls.
The meek, the
miserable, the married.
And over here are
the lowest of the lows...
the ones relegated to
holding their wives' purses.
What's wrong with him?
His wife is shopping
at Victoria's Secret.
She tried on a
garter belt last week.
They haven't seen it since.
And look over there,
between Burt and Carson.
It's just an empty space.
With your name on it, Aaron.
Come on, guys.
What could be better than
two people loving each other
and sharing the good
times and the bad?
A steak?
Fellas, what we've got
here is a non-believer.
A little marrying music, please.
♪ My wife will never
cook or clean ♪
♪ Still my money spends ♪
♪ Who knew when I
first chose my mate ♪
♪ That she would put
on that much weight ♪
♪ It would be a
good life for sure ♪
♪ If it only weren't with her ♪
♪ Please, K-I-L-L K-I-L-L ♪
♪ Me, me, me ♪
That's the marrying
man's fight song, son.
That and Taps.
Good luck, Aaron.
Thanks.
It's much easier to fill
this out with the light on.
Take your time.
Hello, is Aaron here?
I just came by
to bring his lunch.
Oh, thanks.
You must be Angie.
His fiancée.
Well, yes.
And you don't have
to say it, I know.
I'm the luckiest
girl in the world.
Oh, but not as lucky
as he is, I'm sure.
Why, uh...
he tells me you don't mind
when he watches sports.
Which I think is good
because there's...
There's a game on tonight
and I thought maybe
I'd invite him over to...
watch it.
Oh, I'm sure he'd love to.
I'd watch it with you,
but I have a
cooking class tonight.
You, uh...
like football and cooking?
Sure, what woman doesn't?
But, uh...
I'll bet you like to eat, huh?
Well, sure.
Aha!
You know, fruit, vegetables.
My big weakness is the
Roy Rogers salad bar.
Not that the food is bad,
I just feel guilty about
spending $1.99 on myself.
Listen, don't take
this personally,
but would you marry me?
My wife wouldn't like it,
but she doesn't
like anything I like.
You're cute.
Well, I better go or
I'll be late for work.
You work?
What else am I gonna do?
Sit around the house all day
watching Oprah and eating bonbons?
Well, at least I still have...
a chair...
where a beautiful girl once sat.
I need shoes.
Peg.
Oprah.
You know, Peg, I made a mistake.
This morning before I left here,
I thought that all women
were totally useless.
Now I realize it was just you.
I thought that all men were destined
to marry the worst possible mate,
but now I realize...
it was just me.
Oh, hi, Al.
I didn't hear you. I
was watching Oprah.
That's all right, Peg.
I was talking to Oprah.
But you know what I'm
going to do now, Peg?
I'm going to live the
life I should have had,
vicariously through Aaron.
I'm going to live my
sports life through him.
I'm going to have
dinner through him.
And if he'll let me,
I'm even going to
have sex through him.
Oh, hi, Al.
I didn't hear you. I
was watching Oprah.
Uh-huh.
If only Oprah were
on when I said "I do."
I'll get it.
No, I'll get it, Daddy.
- Oh, hi, pumpkin.
- Hi.
How are you feeling?
I'm fine. I'm all better.
Hi. Is Mr. Bundy here?
Hey, you're that
really good football guy
everyone's talking about.
Yeah, and what's your name?
Tumbalina!
Book 'em, Dano.
Great daughter. You
must be very proud.
I'd sell her for
scrap if I could.
What's going on?
I just stopped by to thank
you for setting me straight.
You made me realize
that I shouldn't
jump into marriage.
So, I broke off my
engagement with Angie
and decided to go
back to the girl I dated
all through high school.
And I want you to meet her.
Mr. Bundy, I'd like
you to meet... Meg.
Ooh, Oprah.