Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 8, Episode 7 - Take My Wife, Please - full transcript

All right.

Now let's review this
year's Halloween strategy.

This is the Miller house.

The Millers give
away nice, healthy fruit,

so obviously, we'll be
egging the Miller house.

Now Mr. Grover here, he
doesn't believe in Halloween,

but I say we ring his doorbell
over and over again anyhow.

How come?

He's a Jehovah's Witness,

and I just want him to know
what it feels like for a change.

Hey.



I'm sorry I'm late.

We had a Halloween party down
at the extermination company.

It was fun for a while, but we all
learned a very valuable lesson:

Never spray poison into each
other's mouths and play Twister.

People were dropping like flies.

Well, that just goes to show you
you're never too blonde to learn.

All right, kids. Let's put on our
costumes that we made last night.

I ran out of ideas.

All right, let's go.

Peggy...

I'm in terrible trouble.

How'd you know it was me?

Well, you told me
you were goin' as a...

princess.



Anyway, I'm hosting a
Halloween charity fundraiser tonight

for women who killed their
husbands just to watch them die.

You can't imagine how hard it is
to find an appropriate theme party.

And then it hit me. What I needed
was a mega-star rock group.

And I did it. I got the hottest
rock group from the '70s:

the Village People!

Surely you've heard
of the Village People?

They were huge.
They sold millions...

and they just called collect
and said they can't make it.

So now I've got a house full
of angry menopausal women...

who have paid $100 a head
to see the Village People.

So as a favor to me, I'd like
you all to come over to the party...

Thank God.

I thought she was
gonna ask us to dress up

as the Village
People and entertain.

And dress up as the
Village People and entertain.

That's insane.

We couldn't
possibly pull that off.

Yeah, what kind of
idiot would set himself up

for a suicide mission like that?

I don't know, Marcy. Are you sure
the lead singer wore his pants this tight?

The cow these came from
couldn't walk in this leather.

Jefferson, there are
women at our house

who have killed their husbands
for saying "Where's my bacon?"

Now do you wanna be the one to
tell them there's no Village People?

Now go oil your
pecs and get macho.

I'll oil my pecs, but no
way I'm getting macho.

I have my dignity.

So any other volunteers?

- Ah, no way.
- No way.

No way, Mrs. D'Arcy.

There's $500 in it for you.

♪ Macho, macho man... ♪

Oh, how I hate Halloween.

Ask me how much
I hate Halloween.

More than that.

Well, they make all us employees

put on these costumes, like
some woman's gonna say,

"Gee, I wasn't gonna... I wasn't
gonna buy any shoes today,

but since I see you in a
dinosaur costume, I will."

And of course, the
ride home from work

wouldn't have been so bad if
the kids had actually gotten gas

instead of painting the
needle on the gauge full.

But then again, I don't mind
pushin' the Dodge through gang turf,

'cause I'm a mighty Stegosaurus.

By the way, did I mention
how much I hate Halloween?

Go away.

Dear Al, trick or treat
plans are canceled.

We're at Marcy's house
being Village People.

Love, Peggy.

P.S. There's a plate
warming in the oven for ya.

How does she find the time?

♪ I hate life Life hates me ♪

♪ Soon I'll... ♪

Sh, quiet, Buck.

Good dog.

I saw you push into
the driveway, Bundy.

Open up!

All right.

Pint-size greedy
little shakedown artist.

What the hell do you want?

What the hell do you
think? It's Halloween.

I'm in a costume. I have a bag.

I don't have any candy. Go away.

Hey, are you one of
those dinosaurs that spits?

- No.
- Well, I am.

Next to Christmas, Thanksgiving,
Sunday through Monday,

Halloween's gotta be
the worst day of the year.

♪ Bundy is a doody-head ♪

♪ Bundy is a doody-head ♪

Ha ha ha ha.

I wish I was dead.

Unless you're Death, go away.

That's it!

Look, kid, I'm out of patience,

and I'm out of
candy, so beat it.

Aah!

How'd you do that?

I'm Death.

That's the first thing they
teach you in Death school.

Gotta have a gimmick.

Hey, you are Death.

Ooh, you found my G-spot.

I'm just kidding...

you nearly departed
hunk of beefcake.

You mind if I
take this hood off?

It's hot as hell in here and...

I just had my hair done.

Perfect.

This? I thought
that might get ya.

Actually, I can
look any way I want.

I can be your greatest fantasy.

I could be your worst nightmare.

I could be my worst nightmare,

but who'd wanna go around
looking like Sally Struthers?

But... why me?

You've been calling.

I have not.

Well, let's just check the
grim beeper, shall we?

Isn't this your number?

Well, yes.

Maybe I have called
for death once or twice,

or... or a hundred times, but...

you know, it's just
something that you say

that you don't actually mean...

Ya know, like "How ya
doin'?" or "I love you."

I knew it.

Another weenie turning yellow

in the face of eternal darkness.

You know, you people me sick.

I didn't have this
hard a time with Elvis.

Then Elvis really is...?

Oh, please.

It took six of us to
get him out of there.

We had to take the
bathroom door off the hinges...

slipping on Ho-Hos all the way.

You wouldn't lick the back of his
postage stamp if you'd seen what I saw.

Oh, please don't take me!

Take somebody who deserves it,

like Michael Bolton or...

or... or whoever wrote
that Facts Of Life theme.

Okay, Bundy, you
caught me on a good night.

Tell you what I'll
do: I'll cut ya a deal.

A deal. Yes. A deal. Anything!

I'll do anything, but please...

All right!

Tell you what.

Any time between
now and midnight,

if any member of your
family says that they need you,

in any way...

I'll let you live.

Well, just all my
family has to do

is say they need me?

That's right.

Just once.

Just once.

Then I'll get my suitcase.

Here's me with all six
of the Three Stooges.

My favorite was Curly,
so I took him out first.

Ooh, ooh, ooh... here's
me with John Wayne.

Listen, I don't wanna be rude,

but shouldn't someone
be next door finding out

if my family said
they needed me?

We don't have to go
all the way over there.

This is death in the '90s, baby.

Death has its own cable network.

DTV.

Tonight a bus crash in Texas,

followed by Growing Pains.

But first, let's
join the D'Arcys.

We better hurry, Marcy.

I just saw one of
them sharpening

her moustache comb into a shiv.

Come on, guys,
they're getting restless.

This is not going to work.

It can't work.

- It will work.
- How?

See, it's working already.

Now, all you have to do
is lip-sync to the record.

What's a record?

For you? A second date.

You know who I wish
were here to see this?

Me! Me! Come on,
baby. Say it, Peg!

The Supremes.

I'm much better at
singing "Love Child."

You know, that's
her pet name for me.

Yeah, see, sometimes
I call her Pooky

and then she calls
me The Supremes.

You'd lie to Death?

Oh, how low.

"Macho Man"! "Macho
Man"! "Macho Man"!

Quiet, please.

And now, the act you've
all been waiting for...

the Village People.

♪ It's fun to stay at the YMCA ♪

♪ It's fun to stay at the YMCA ♪

Suppose my family lets me down?

Do you have any idea
where I might be going?

Well, you might wanna
bring along a lot of sun block.

SPF one million.

Just kidding.

Maybe.

What's the next song?

There is no next
song. I just have the 45.

Look, this is degrading.

Worst of all, I don't even get
to be the sexy Village person.

I quit.

Sing!

Hit it!

♪ It's fun to stay at the YMCA ♪

♪ It's fun to stay at the YMCA ♪

I know this isn't
easy for you, Bundy.

Death isn't easy for anybody.

Take Shakespeare... and I did.

Arguably the greatest
writer in history...

and when it was his
time, all he could say was,

and I quote, "Argh, argh, argh."

Mondo disappointment for me.

Why, even Lincoln
was able to eke out a...

"Okay, okay. So
let's not free them."

I'll tell ya,

this job sure isn't as
easy as it used to be.

Strike one.

♪ ...and just go to the YMCA ♪

How many times have
they sung that song?

I don't remember, but
I also don't remember

the construction
worker having pimples.

And I don't remember the
Indian having boobies out to here.

And now the Village People will
be proud to take your requests.

Anything but "YMCA"

I heard "YMCA"
Hit it, Villagers!

♪ It's fun to stay at the YMCA ♪

♪ It's fun to stay at the YMCA ♪

♪ They have everything
for young men to enjoy ♪

You know who I wish
was here to see this?

Say me! Al! Your
ever-lovin' husband, Peg!

Cousin Wormy.

He has all the Village
People records.

Yes! But he doesn't have
any nostrils, does he, Peg?!

Ah, calm down, Bundy.

You'll give yourself a stroke.

♪ Young man, are
you listenin' to me? ♪

♪ I said young man,
what do you wanna be? ♪

Village People or not,
one more round of "YMCA"

and I say we hammer
them with their own tools.

Hey, Bud, I think these
women are gettin' mad.

We better throw 'em a crumb.

Hey, we're here.

Hey, by the way, sorry
about the Dodge out front.

Why? Did you hit it?

No. I'm just sorry about it.

That's the real policeman. I'd
know that night-stick anywhere.

Don't make me use it.

Wait a minute. If these are the
real Village People, who are they?

You frauds!

How dare you try to
pass yourselves off

as America's
best-loved disco kings?

Sorry we're late, everyone,

but it is Halloween, and
everybody gave us candy.

We know you've all been waiting,

so we're just gonna kick it off

with a little somethin'
that goes like this.

Hit it, guys.

♪ It's fun to stay at the YMCA ♪

♪ It's fun to stay at the YMCA ♪

Guess that was my
last chance, huh?

Now, now, Bundy.

It's still five
minutes to midnight.

Have a little faith.

Okay, kids, let's go.

Wait, Mom, you gotta see this.

They hog-tied the cowboy,

they handcuffed the policeman,

and they glue-gunned the
construction worker to the Indian.

Well, what about the other two?

They're TP'ing us.

They don't normally do
this till we sing "Feelings."

Hey, wait a minute.

They're throwin' the good stuff.

Two-ply.

No, that's one-ply.

No, no, no, no,
no. It's two-ply.

No... Let's ask Dad.

Yeah, where is he
when we need him?

She said it! She said it! My
pumpkin said she needs me.

And for quite the noble
cause, might I add.

Yeah, you are a
lucky man, Bundy.

But I'll see ya...

day after you win the lottery.

Just kidding.

Maybe.

- Dad!
- Ah?

- Wake up, wake up!
- Daddy, wake up!

What? What?!

Wa... was I dreaming?

No, Daddy, you were dying.

My Verminator
tank sprung a leak,

and you've been
breathing in toxic poison.

Here, smell.

Oh, my God, we were
so worried about you.

He's okay, Mom. You don't
have to call an ambulance.

I'm not. I was ordering a pizza.

Uh... poison?

So the... Death and
the Village People...

Oh, no, no, no.
That really happened.

But, uh... just so you
wouldn't feel left out,

we invited them over here.

- What?!
- Yes.

Okay, guys, hit it!

♪ It's fun to stay at the YMCA ♪

♪ It's fun to stay at the YMCA ♪

♪ They have everything
a young man can enjoy ♪

♪ You can hang out
with all the boys ♪

♪ It's fun to stay at the YMCA ♪

♪ It's fun to stay at the YMCA ♪

♪ You can get yourself clean,
you can have a good meal ♪

♪ You can do whatever you feel ♪

♪ Young man, are
you listenin' to me? ♪

♪ I said young man,
what do you wanna be? ♪

♪ I said young man, you
can make real your dreams ♪

♪ But you've got to know... ♪

♪ ...listenin' to me? ♪

♪ I said young man,
what did you wanna be? ♪

♪ I said young man, you
can make real your dreams ♪

♪ But you've got to
know this one thing ♪

♪ No man does
it all by himself ♪

♪ I said young man, put
your pride on the shelf ♪

♪ And just go
there to the YMCA ♪

♪ I'm sure they can help... ♪