Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 8, Episode 6 - No Chicken, No Check - full transcript

Convinced they can share, Kelly and Bud pool their money together so they can buy a car for themselves, which both want, but neither will surrender, for a time alone in the car with their ...

Well, finished the errands, Mom.

It's such a treat
driving Dad's Dodge.

The noise, the rust,

the thrill of watching
the open road

through the open floor board.

Well, we got everything
you wanted from the store.

Bourbon flavored bonbons...

romance novels...

Kenny G CD.

Mmm, you and Dad are gonna have

quite a time tonight, huh, Mom?



Batteries...

You know, it seems like there's
something we forgot to do today.

Well, I guess my
cries this morning of

"If you're going to use
the car please, please,

I beg you, pick
me up from work,"

was a little vague, huh?

Oh, would you shut up?

We're trying to remember
what we forgot to do today.

How did I get home, you ask?

Well, not having
the correct change

for public transportation,

nor the bills to get
the correct change,

nor the job to get the bills
to get the correct change,

I got a ride from
two fine gentlemen



who drive the roadkill truck.

How was your day, Peg?

Anything interesting
happen on the couch?

Well, actually...

I don't care.

Gimme my car key.

Last time you get
to use the Dodge!

How am I supposed
to get to school?

Yeah, Dad. How am
I gonna get to work?

Yeah, and how am I
gonna get to the store

to buy the double issue
of the National Enquirer?

And food and groceries?

Dad, why don't you
just get us a car?

Well, geez Louise,
why didn't I think of that?

New cars for everybody!

Peg, would you like a BMW?

Well, I kinda see
myself in a Jaguar.

Oh, if only we could
find one that hungry.

Well, I have $400
saved from work.

I'll just get a car myself.

Hey, wait a second. I
have $400 saved too.

Hey, we could pool our money

and share a car twice as nice.

Yeah, not like Dad's piece of...

Ah, children.

Oh, what the hell. Wolfen.

Let me tell you
something about sharing.

Don't do it.

It can only come to trouble.

Your mother and I shared a bed

and nothing good came out of it.

Well, maybe that's because
nothing good went into it.

Now, look, it doesn't matter.

You've only got $800

and $800 can't buy you a car.

Jefferson, tell 'em
what $800 can buy.

Well, it could buy
you a nice car.

You really know
where you can get a car

for $800, Mr. D'Arcy?

Sure do. Car auctions.

You know, where they sell
cars seized by federal agencies.

Yeah, that's true.

They may not be
in the best of shape.

Bullet holes, bloodstains...

the smell of rotting bodies.

But then you don't seem
to mind riding in the Dodge.

There are no bullet
holes in my Dodge.

But that can be changed

if you're willing to
crawl into the trunk.

Take us to the auction. Please.

Yeah, come on.
Take us to the auction.

We'll be good.

- We'll share it!
- Ah, please...

How'd the auction go?

Do not touch that car.

We don't know where
your hands have been.

Then you better not sit in it.

Fine.

As you can tell, the
kids purchased a car,

and as you can see, all my fears

about them sharing
were totally unfounded.

But on the good side,
I got them to knock off

another hundred
dollars on the car.

Why pay for seatbelts
when you don't have brakes?

So, you know what
I'm gonna do now, Peg?

Give the money to me?

Yes. To buy groceries.

Groceries?

Yes, Peg. The stuff you have to
wade through to get to the TV Guide.

And I better be able to eat
everything in that bag, Peg.

Just food, just beef.

Just do it.

That's right, Peg.
God, they look so firm.

Hold 'em up for me, baby.

Now let's see that pretty rump.

Beautiful!

Al, my blisters are hurting

from carrying that food
to the check-out counter.

If you'd been there before,

you would have
known that the carts

in the front of the
store are for that.

I thought that was
parking for the homeless.

You will never guess
who I met today.

The guy who plays Neuter The Cat

on the Tender
Innards commercials.

Oh, you mean that one that says,

"If this meat were any fresher,

the jockey would
still be riding it?"

He is so hot.

He is the tenth most
recognizable cat in media history,

right behind Heathcliff
and the late Miles Davis.

Look, sweetheart,
Daddy's got meat.

That's great, Daddy.

Anyway, this guy could
do wonders for my career,

so I asked him out on a
date tonight in my new car.

Not so fast, pumpkin.

You're gonna need to be covered.

Isn't that up to the guy, Dad?

I'm talking about auto
insurance, you little...

Oh, now, pumpkin.

Now, just so you didn't
think that Daddy didn't care,

I went out and got the best.

South Forty Auto Insurance.

The farmer's friend.

But there are a few things
that you need to know.

You registered our
car as a farm vehicle?

Don't be surprised.

He registered the
Dodge as a pull toy.

The next thing I register
is gonna be a handgun.

Sweetheart, now that
you're driving a farm vehicle,

there are a few restrictions
that you need to know about.

One, you must not
drive on paved roads.

Two, the Amish always
have the right of way.

And three, since
you always must be

on official business,

you must have this
in your car at all times.

Hence the South Forty
motto: "No chicken, no check."

Hey, Kell. Great news. I got...

South Forty Insurance, Dad?

It's a damn fine company, son.

Farmer's best friend,

next to a sheep
and a tall wheat field.

Anyhow, Kell,

I got a date with this
foreign exchange student

who's so easy, she makes
you look like a calculus problem.

Well, you can't
have the car tonight,

because I'm going
out with Neuter.

You can go out
with Dad any time.

I got a date and I promised her

I'd take her to the drive-in.

Well, I'm taking my date
to the drive-in in my car.

I'm not giving up my date.

Well, I'm not giving up my date.

American movies
are so confusing.

So much subtext,
so much character.

Well, I think the
important part to remember

is that Elmer is mad at Bugs.

See, he tied his shotgun
into a bow earlier.

Exchange student, huh?

What did we send
to her country...

A head of lettuce and some sand?

What does she mean by that?

Nothing.

I'm just gonna get
comfortable here.

Ow!

Sorry, Kell, if I
hurt your legs...

or his hand.

It's okay.

Accidents happen,
which explains you.

Hey, shut up!

Yeah. We're trying
to have sex over here!

So are we!

You know, I'm sure
you hear this all the time,

but your portrayal of
Neuter The Cat is staggering.

Thanks.

Have you seen my
new one where I say,

"My stomach hails
the taste of entrails"?

Great date, Kell.

What, was the 4000
flushes guy busy?

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry if we're
disturbing you and Evita up here.

It's just that it's so unusual

for me to see you with a date

that doesn't
require a patch kit.

What does she mean by that?

Nothing.

Oh!

Shut up!

Come on, come on.

All right, Kell.

Look, it can't go on
like this anymore.

In order to make this
sharing thing work,

we're gonna have to co-exist
together in the car, okay?

Okay. Deal.

Bud, my loins are warm for you.

Get out!

No. I hate you.

If you wanna get
into the back seat,

get into somebody else's car.

That is really stupid, Kell.

Hey, you wanna get into the
back seat of someone else's car?

Or better yet, that... that
pick-up truck right there?

Isn't that dangerous?

Well, danger is my middle name.

Franklin's his middle name.

Watch. I'll show
you how easy it is.

It's all clear.

Come and get it.

Hit the floor.

Oh, boy.

Oh, look, he must
really like you.

He's wearing his
underwear with the hearts.

♪ Amazing beef ♪

♪ How great the taste ♪

♪ Oh, save a slab for me ♪

Peg, what are you
doing down there?

I'm over here, Mongo.

Well, Peg, where...
where's... Where's my tri-tip?

Well, according to
Jake, the refrigerator

couldn't handle that much food.

So it just kinda O.D'd.

What're you saying,
Peg? That can't happen!

Happened to Elvis.

Well, where's my food?

I gave it to the poor.

Oh well, then it's
still around here.

Get over it, Al. It's gone.

And so am I. I'm going
to dinner with the D'Arcys.

Well, what about me?

They don't like you.

Well, I don't like them either.

But I'm... I'm willing to go.

Why do I come here?

Why doesn't Willie
Nelson do a benefit for me?

He could call it Al Aid.

I'm so hungry, I
could eat a vegetable.

Marcy?

There's a note.

"Dear Daddy, Due
to circus stances...

Due to circums..."

"What Kelly is trying to say

"is we had to dump the chicken.

"P.S. By the time you read this,

"I'll be getting some.

Love, Bud."

What am I supposed
to do with a live chicken?

Welcome to the terror dome.

Well, I went to the
nurse slash hot dog lady.

Do you know that
relish aids in clotting?

Bud, you are so brave.

You let the dog rip
you to pieces for me.

I resonate in my seat for you.

Get out!

Shh.

People with futures
are talking here.

So, you really
brought your cat suit?

Yeah. It helps me be myself.

I know it's hard to
believe, but I'm a little shy.

I had a tough childhood.

People always think the rich
have it easy; well, we don't.

Rich?

Oh, I don't mean
like trillionaires.

Just a few billion.

Anyway, there are...

I know it's strange,
but there are things

I can say in my costume
that I can't say out of it.

Like what?

Like inviting
certain people I like

to all-expense-paid trips

to certain island
paradises that I own.

Get out!

Not this time, fancy feast.

The worm has turned.

You mean to tell me
that a couple of seconds

of cheap sex means more
to you than my happiness?

A milkshake means more to
me than your happiness, Kell.

Fine. Come on, Neuter.

Let's walk amongst the pines
and empty tubes of ointment

and talk of the things
you own and will give me.

Well, if you'll just help me out

of these bandages here,

we can test the
shocks on this baby.

So, this island that you own,

is it near the beach?

Yes.

Well, then put your
head on and let's talk.

Kelly, I've been alone
for a long, long time.

Just one more bandage,

then I can really hurt you.

Oh, it's... it's been so long.

Well, it's gonna be
even longer, King Tut.

What are you doing here?

I don't wanna talk about it.

Sit down, Neuter.

I'm hungry.

Bud, why don't
you go to the nurse

and get us a hot dog?

Why don't you go?

No. You go.

Look, let's just both go, okay?

All right.

Look, Kell.

I'm sorry about
your friend, okay?

Yeah, well, it's okay.

It's just my luck.

All the other cats are
either married or gay.

Listen, let's not fight, okay?

Why don't you and
Sonya take the car

and Neuter and I'll go hang
out in the alley or something.

He's used to it.

Thanks, Kell.

No problem.

Oh, Neuter.

Oh, Sonya.

You know what
really hurts, Kell?

Throwing meat in the car

and setting Cujo loose on them?

You're way ahead of me.

Then let's get it over with.

♪ Buffalo wings won't
you come out tonight ♪

♪ And dance by the
light of the moon ♪

Al, correct me if I'm wrong,

but didn't the kids'
insurance policy say,

"No chicken, no check?"

You hate to see me
eat, don'tcha, Peg?

But it's too late. It's
in and it's staying in.

Yeah. I've heard that before.

I'll get another live
chicken tomorrow.

Besides, the chances of
the kids wrecking that car

the one night the
chicken isn't in it

is a billion to one.

Daddy, we wrecked the car.

On purpose. You're right, Dad.

Kelly and I aren't
ready to share.

So to get our money
back, we just totaled it.

Mm-hmm.

All you have to do is
just toss the chicken

into what's left
of the back seat

before the insurance company
gets here and we're home free.

Aren't you proud of us, big guy?