Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 8, Episode 4 - Luck of the Bundys - full transcript

Hi, Al, how was work?

Horrible, Peg. I fell off
a ladder and I hurt my...

Well, that's nice,

'cause I want you
in a good mood.

Honey, I bought a new
dress. How do you like it?

I don't know, Peg.

I'd have to see it
without you in it.

What do you need a
new dress for anyway?

There's nobody inside
the TV looking at you.

Well, I bought it
so I'd be ready.

See? My horoscope says,



"Buy a new dress.
You're about to embark

on a new and
unique undertaking."

Isn't that great?

Well, the undertaking
has a kind of nice ring to it.

Peg, I don't believe
in horoscopes.

And yet you believe

in a 19-year-old in Playboy
pouring honey on her tush

is really interested in
saving the environment.

Hey, I never said
I believed her...

just that I supported her
and loved her very much.

Let's just do your
horoscope, Magoo.

When's your birthday?

It's two months after yours.

The only difference is
that I have mine every year.



Look, Al, you're a Cancer.

Right back atcha.

Honey, you have an
amazing horoscope.

It says... now brace yourself...

"Good luck's a-comin'."

Oh, well, that's a-different.

See, till now, Peg, I always thought
horoscopes were a lot of hooey,

but after hearing
"Good luck's a-comin',"

I realize they're based
on hard scientific data.

Tell me something, Peg,
does it say anything in there

about the wife is a-leavin'?

And the kids are a-with her?

Daddy, I'm afraid I have
some bad news for you.

Well, pumpkin,
that... that can't be.

The horror with the scope
here says "Good luck's a-comin'."

The health inspector's closing
down the diner for two days.

Well, that's not so bad.

Well, then they're
tearing it down.

Can you believe
it? I'm unemployed.

And it's all because of
those stupid raisin cookies.

What... the raisin cookies you
were getting me free every day?

Yeah. You know, it turns out

that only half the raisins
were actually raisins.

Well, what was the other half?!

Oh, believe me, Daddy,
you do not wanna know.

Oh, well, I guess
I'm out of a J-O-D.

All right. Well, now I guess

you won't have enough
money to move O-U-L.

Well, not necessarily.

Now it seems that
one of the guys

from the extermination
company that de-loused me...

remembered me as the
Verminator a couple of years ago,

and they want me to
be their local mascot.

Here's the part that's
important to you, Daddy.

You're going to tell me what the
other half of those raisins were?

I can't, Daddy.

The guys from the
Atomic Energy Commission

said mum's the word on this one.

Anyway... the good news is

is that I'll be making more
money than I did at the diner,

and I'll be able to move
out sooner than I thought.

Well, I'd better get busy.

I'm under court order
to burn this uniform.

Remember to take
it off first, honey.

Oh, thanks, Mom.

All right, now won't you admit
that your horoscope is right?

Good luck is a-comin'.

Ah, come on, Peg.

Even if Kelly does
leave, Bud'll still be here.

Having only one
kid around the house

is like having only one
noose around your neck.

Family... good news.

I pledged a fraternity
today, and if I'm accepted,

I'm movin' into the frat house.

Al, did you hear that?

I can't believe it.

I'm finally gonna
be a cool frat dude.

I'll have respect,

I'll have honor.

I'll be my own man.

Dad, can I have some money?

I gotta go buy a tutu
with a trap door in it.

They're gonna spank me

on the corner of Fifth
and Main for my initiation.

Make me proud, son.

Boolah boolah, big guy.

Do you realize what this means?

Yes, Peg, I do.

After Bud's
arrested, that'll mean

all four of us'll have a
record for indecent exposure.

Honey, why is it so
hard for you to admit

that you're having good luck?

Peg, have you ever
heard of the Bundy curse?

You mean that foot odor thing?

The other curse!

You see, the minute that a
Bundy starts having good luck,

he immediately
starts to build up

an equal amount of bad luck.

It's simple Bundy-nomics.

For example, when
I was 18 years old

and scored four
touchdowns in one game,

I became the
greatest football player

in the history of Polk High.

And what bad thing
happened after that?

Oh, like I'm the one that said,

"Al, show no ambition.

We can live off of your
income of rocks and leaves."

Honey, there is nothing
wrong with having good luck.

Yes, there is.

You know what's worse than
a Bundy having good luck?

A Bundy wearing Speedos
while having good luck?

Good guess, Peg. No.

A Bundy admitting
he's having good luck,

because that's when
the bad luck starts.

Look, I don't care what you say.

Good luck is a-comin'.

Peg, you won't believe this.

I know, Al.

A fat woman came in
the shoe store today.

No, actually, an attractive
woman came in today.

Nothing but attractive
women came in today.

Hm.

So, what you're trying to say

is that you had a good day?

No! You know I can't say that.

It was... okay, that's all.

I hit every green light.

All the songs on
the oldies station

were some of my
all-time favorites.

A cop pulled me over

and told me my
taillight was out...

gave me his.

But I wouldn't say
it was a good day.

Well, here's some more good news

you won't want to hear about.

It seems that Kelly
is gonna appear

as the Verminator at
Bud's homecoming rally.

You know, a few
more gigs like this,

and she really will be
able to move out soon.

Yeah, well... how about Bud?

He didn't get in that
fraternity, did he?

Ha ha, no. Fraternities
have standards

and they have
traditions, you know.

♪ Gamma gamma sigma pi ♪

♪ Gonna gonna get some thigh ♪

I'm in.

Words a male Bundy
has never uttered before.

Ah, it's gonna be great.

This time tomorrow,
I'll be into the frat house

and out of the rat house.

No offense.

None taken.

Oh, by the way, Dad,

they made me scrub all the
toilets with a toothbrush, so...

I borrowed yours.

Well, at least the part about
the toothbrush was bad luck.

No, Peg, this is good luck.

This is yours.

All these good
things happening...

the kids movin' out...

I'm doomed.

Hi, Daddy.

Are things still going well?

I'm afraid so, pumpkin.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I wish you would come to
the homecoming rally tonight.

I've been working
on a special entrance.

I'm gonna ride this
Harley up a ramp,

jump over a bonfire pit,

and then light the
flames with my exhaust.

Kelly, just exactly how did
you learn to do stunts like this?

In your car ditching the police.

How'd you learn to
build a bunker like this?

In bed ditching your mom.

Sweetheart, I really
would love to go,

but with all this good
luck I've been having,

I'm afraid to leave the fort,

'cause then for sure
something good'll happen,

and then I'll be in for a
fate worse than death.

Or considering I'm married to
your mother, a fate worse than life.

I'll make you
proud of me, Daddy.

You know what
the great thing is?

I mean, career-wise,
this is just a start.

You know, like...

Like Michael Jackson
before he became Diana Ross.

I mean, I know I'm just
a local mascot now, but...

with a little luck, I could be a
dancing fruit in somebody's underwear.

Well, better you than Bud.

Go away, go away.

Yeah, that'll be
the grim reaper.

Hey, Kell.

Break a leg.

Pass a stone.

Oh, Al, remodeling?

If you throw in a couple of
ears of corn and some mud,

you'd have a mighty fine sty.

Hey, Jefferson, don't look now,

but something followed
you home from El Pollo Loco.

Well, I heard you've been
having a run of good luck lately.

Too bad it hasn't
extended to the hair fairy.

Where's Peggy hiding?

Well, Bud's leaving tonight,

so she's upstairs converting his
room into a tabloid reading lounge.

I'm just gonna take
this camera up to her.

She wants to take some
pictures of Kelly tonight.

What happened to my camera?

What you refer to as your camera

was actually our camera.

Much as what you refer
to as your garbage can

is actually our backyard.

Plucky little gal, ain't she?

Yeah, but she makes money.

Anyway, you know, Al,
I've been a little worried

about this lucky streak
you've been having.

It might wear off before I've had
a chance to take advantage of it.

Hell's bells, we
can't have that.

Agreed. So... naturally, I just happen
to know a few well-heeled rubes

who are always in the
mood for a little poker game.

Oh, that's a good idea.

I'd better check
my cash reserve.

Or maybe I'd better call
my broker E.F. Nutton.

Not to worry, Al.

You are havin' such
a run of good luck.

That's why Marcy and I
will be happy to stake you.

All you have to
do is not tell Marcy.

And you and I will
split the winnings.

But, Jefferson, I'm cursed.

Fine, we won't
tell Peggy either.

No. But it's... it's all
this good luck I'm having.

See, if I won a big
poker game, I'd be dead.

No, Jefferson, I'm sorry, but I
gotta look out for number one here.

No amount of money
is worth my life.

How about if we get
you a big-screen TV?

I'm in.

Full house. Cowboys over nines.

Can you believe this guy's luck?

He ain't lost a hand all night.

I say we shoot him.

Nah. Shooting these
days is so childish.

I am up for a good
beating, though.

Jefferson, is it me or are your
friends getting a little touchy?

Ah, relax, Al. I
know these guys.

They talk big, but they
never hurt anyone in their life.

Good. Where'd you meet 'em?

Prison.

Hi, Peggy.

Incoming.

I'm ready to go.

Jefferson D'Arcy,
are you gambling?

Uh... No, honeybunch.

I'm just...

having my environmental
sensitivity meeting.

And as a matter of fact,
this is our guest speaker,

Dr. William "the
Weasel" Sullivan.

Doc.

Yes, ma'am.

Tonight our focus is on Oregon,

where the logging industry
keeps raping the old growth forest,

which the endangered spotted owl

depends on for sanctuary.

Jefferson, I'm so ashamed.

How can I make it up to you?

Oh, I'll survive, Marcy.

It's the little owls
I'm worried about.

Well, I give a hoot.

Maybe this can help.

Thanks, Marcy. I'll... see
that this is put to good use.

Oh, Peggy, come on.

These men have
important work to do.

All men do.

Too bad they
aren't better at it.

Hey, Weasel. Oh, I'm impressed.

How'd you know all that
stuff about the spotted owl?

Well, we bury a lot of
our guys in the Northwest.

And... we care.

Well, I'm tapped.

Come on, guys.
Let's hit the road.

I say we hit Bundy
and then the road.

Hey, hey, what are
we, a bunch of wimps?

No. We're a bunch
of pissed-off ex-cons

who don't like people
calling us wimps.

Okay, I'll tell you what.
The least we can do

is give you guys a
chance to even things out.

How ya gonna do that?
You got all our money.

Yeah, but you still have
one thing left to get it back.

Our guns?

Okay, two things.

I was thinking of your cars.

Jefferson, this is
something you should know.

I don't own the D-O-D-G-E.

You don't need to.

Okay, boys, here's the deal.

We'll play one hand.

All of Al's winnings
against all of your cars.

What do you say?

- Jefferson...
- Hm?

If I lose, will you still get
me my big-screen TV?

Sure, buddy.

The biggest.

All right, let the game begin.

I'm in.

Me, too.

Hello Kitty?

Well, yeah. It looks funny,

but it feels really
good in my pocket.

Excuse me.

I'm going to Disneyland!

Okay, who needs cards?

I'll take two.

Two.

Gimme three.

Three.

One.

And Al stands...

Four.

Excuse me?

I had to, Jefferson. I was
gettin' that same feeling of dread

I always get when Peggy
finishes reading a romance novel.

Nobody gets a hand
like that. If I had played it,

I'd have been cursed for the
rest of my life... all ten minutes of it.

Now, give me four.

Two pair.

Three tens.

I got you both beat.

Flush.

Bundy?

He's got four
aces. I win! I win!

Oh, God, I love you.

I hope those are
chips in your pocket.

Mostly.

Wait a second, Jefferson.

Look what happened.

I won and nothing bad happened.

Nothing.

The curse is over.

For 40 years in the darkness,

finally I can lift my head
up into the light and proclaim

to one and all that
Al Bundy is a winner!

Hands up. This is a raid.

Of course.

All right, who
owns the Mercedes,

the BMW and the Porsche
that are parked out front?

He does.

Well, we're running
a make on the plates.

I think they're all stolen.

I'm sure of it.

Officer, could you do me
a favor and turn on the TV?

- Why?
- Just a hunch.

Tonight our TV
Ten cameras caught

one of the most
spectacular accidents

in Chicago history.

Here we go.

A young girl dressed
as the Verminator

was temporarily blinded

by a red-headed woman
taking a flash photo of her

as she jumped over a
bonfire on a motorcycle.

Al Bundy, this is your life.

Upon landing, she crashed
into a nearby fraternity house,

igniting a fire which will
force the fraternity members

to move back home
for the semester.

No one is sure at this time

which fraternity was destroyed.

Oh, I'm sure.

Fortunately, the
Verminator escaped injury,

but since she had no insurance,

someone will be paying for
the damage for a long time.

But not with those
winnings, hey, Officer?

What winnings?

My mistake. Let's go.

Well, at least
this curse is over.

I'm a free man! Lock me up.

And for tonight's
weather, balmy and clear.

A perfect Chicago night...

Except over one man's house.