Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 8, Episode 3 - Proud to Be Your Bud? - full transcript

The other Bundys think Bud has flipped out when they overhear his basement conversion with his 'cool' alter-ego who arrives from another universe and shows Bud the tactics on picking up women. Meanwhile, Al has a personal battle of his own with a voice-over phone service to order a purchase for a new spare part for the Dodge.

I am fed out to here
with stupid people.

A customer comes into the diner

and he asked for the
Norwegian salmon.

Then he wants to
know if it's fresh.

I said, "Hey, chucklehead,
this is Chicago.

"This is not Norwegia, okay?

"Nothing is fresh.

Well, I shouldn't say nothing."

Speaking of
nothing, where's Bud?

Well, it's fall,

so, you know, another
school year is beginning,



which means your
brother is upstairs

trying on another persona
in hopes of attracting a girl.

He has as much chance
of finding a date this year

as the cast of Roc does
getting served at Denny's.

I can't wait to see what
kind of Prince Charming

the little frog is gonna
try to mutate into this year.

Let me guess.

Billy Ray Bundy.

Damn straight, Missy.

Country is in.

Well, then what country are you?

I'm going to ignore
that, human peep show,

because this will work.

Now, I've chewed
my weight in Red Man.



I've learned my country
sayings like "ornery"

and "I thought you was 18."

So, as I live and barely
breathe in these jeans,

I'll be ridin' the
country charts tonight.

Well, I've got to admit,
it's better than last year.

Remember, he bought
that wig, gained 30 pounds,

and called himself
Joey Bud-afuoco.

Peg, I must be hallucinating.

I could've swore that
Yosemite Sam just passed me.

That was Bud.

Oh, then it must be fall.

Oh, well, as you know, I've
had a wee peck of trouble

finding an alternator
for my Dodge.

Yes, and a deodorant
that your body won't reject.

And a wife that my
body won't reject.

Anyway, after painstaking
research to find this part,

a bum told me to
call Irv's World of Junk

in Woonsocket, Rhode Island.

So you know what this means?
Means I'm gonna get my part.

All I got to do is
call 800-HEAD-ON.

Welcome to Irv's World of Junk.

Hey, Irv, it's Al Bundy here.

If you'd like these
instructions in Spanish,

press "1."

For French, press "2."

Ah, don't you love these things?

For Cajun, press "4."

And for English, press "5."

You have pressed
"5." You speak English.

If your car is
Swedish, press "1."

If your car is
Japanese, press "2."

If your car is Japanese
but made in America

in a patronizing attempt

to pretend we have a
viable automobile industry,

press "3."

What are the odds

of running into a
Native-American pride parade

marching half a
block from our house?

Bud, you're going
about this all wrong.

Now, you keep trying to
change the clothes that you wear.

But what you really
need is a new head,

and while you're at it,
a new body to put it on.

No. Thanks for caring,
but this is it for me.

I will neither seek
nor accept a date

from any woman
for the rest of my life.

Instead, I shall live out the
rest of my days in the basement

as the gnome you've
always said that I was.

Good-bye forever.

Gee, I feel kind of bad.

Well, honey, you were
pretty hard on him.

No, I'm fine with that,

but I think I should've told
him there's no third step.

Oh, well, one
less plate for lunch.

Al, Bud is really upset.

Bud's upset? Listen to this.

If your car is a
Pacer, press "61."

If your car is a
Studebaker, press "62."

He said that he is
never dating again,

and he wants to live in
the basement forever.

Sounds like a good
plan. Wish I'd thought of it.

If your car is a Hudson
Hornet, press "67."

Well, I guess it's time

to hang this outfit
with the others.

Buderace.

Thanks a lot for puberty!

I'm staying down here forever!

You hear that, family?

No, don't all come
down at once, now.

If you build it, he will come.

That you, Kell?

Mom?

Dad?

Buck?

Oh, God.

Is this how that rainbow
wig guy got started?

If you build it, he will come.

If your car has zero
to 10,000 miles...

press "1."

Ten to 20,000 miles, press "2."

Bud?

Yeah, Ma?

Uh, what are you doing?

Building.

What are you building?

I don't know.

So why are you doing it?

So he'll come.

So who'll come, dear?

Him.

Oh.

I think we should
call Janet Reno.

She'll know what to do.

It's gonna be so wonderful, Mom.

Once he gets here,

everything's gonna
be much, much better.

Well, honey, if
you need anything,

you just let me know, okay?

Move, Kell. Back up the stairs.

Back up the stairs.

Man: If your Dodge has between
100,000 and 200,000 miles,

press "11."

200 to 300,000, press "12."

Oh, this is all my fault.

I knew when he was a baby,

I should have gotten
him a proper sitter.

But you know, Buck was right
there and the price was right.

Yeah, well, I'm
at fault, too, Mom.

When you said
push him to the park,

I probably should've
put him in the stroller.

And you know, I shouldn't
have given him Pez

and said they were vitamins.

I bet girls would've dated him

if I hadn't told everybody in
school that he only had one buttock.

Don't worry, honey. One
thing is perfectly clear.

Bud's problems are
all your father's fault.

Al, you got to do
something about the boy.

Wait a second, Peg.
I've gone this far.

And just a few more minutes,
I'm gonna have my alternator, now.

If your Dodge is
still on the road,

press "1."

If your Dodge is
on blocks, press "2."

If your Dodge is on fire,

press "3."

Uh, Bud, it's 1:00.

Do you wanna come to bed?

Thanks, Mom. Uh, I'm
on a tight schedule here.

I see.

Uh, well, honey, your father
and I just want you to know

that we love you,

and we'll always be there
to protect you from harm.

Thanks, Mom.

Well... I finally finished.

It's done.

What is it?

It's me.

No.

It's not you.

Let's chat, shall we?

Well, what do you
mean you're not me?

I mean, you look just like me.

Hey, don't insult me, all right?

I'm not you.

Well, actually, I'm part of you.

I'm the part of you that's cool.

You're the rest.

Well, why are you here?

Because I can't
stand it anymore.

I mean, every year you
trot me out to the ladies,

full of hopes,

and every year we come back
with your tail between my legs.

I'll be damned if I'm gonna
spend the rest of my life

down here in this basement.

So I'm here to
teach you to be cool.

Mommy!

Oh, this is gonna be easy.

If you are having trouble

with our automated
telephone system...

and would like a live
operator to assist you,

press "0" now.

If not, this recording
will begin again.

Welcome to Irv's World of Junk.

Peggy, it's 2:00 in the morning.

I know, but this
is an emergency.

I really don't know what to do.

I think Bud has lost his mind.

Well, Peggy, don't worry.

I'm sure all Bud needs
is a man to talk to.

Where can we find one?

Where can we find one?
Al, have you seen a man?

No, but I've seen a woman
who can make one sterile.

Look, Peggy, maybe
you're overreacting.

You know, he's right.

Maybe Bud's just going
through a normal phase.

Don't talk to me
that way, Bud Bundy.

Who are you calling Bud Bundy?

Maybe you should
just seal him up now

and cut your losses.

Jefferson, go down
and talk to the boy.

Why me? Why can't Al do it?

If your car is a
Pacer, press "61."

If your car is a
Studebaker, Press "62."

Well, how about Kelly?

She's working the
late shift at the diner.

It's up to you, Jefferson.

But, Marcy, he's nuts,
and he could be dangerous.

You go down there.

You're the one with the
million-dollar life insurance policy.

What million-dollar
life insurance policy?

We'll talk later. I got
to go help out the boy.

Hi there, Bud.

Your mo...

Your mother says
there's a little something

that's bothering you.

How about talking to
ol' Jefferson about it?

He thinks I'm not cool.

Well, we can't have that.

Now, see here, Mr. Horsey,

Bud Bundy is a friend of mine.

You be nice to him, or
there'll be no oats for you.

Please give me oats, Mr. D'Arcy.

I won't be mean to Bud.

There, Bud.

I've taken care of it.

You know what I used
to do when I was your age

and I was feeling
down and out like this?

I'd get me a woman.

And we'd do it like
animals in the car.

It always made me feel better.

You should try it, Bud.

Here. It's on me.

Just make sure it stays on you.

What a moron.

Okay.

Back to cool school.

What you need to
change isn't your looks.

It's your approach.

Now, you listen, me.

Sure, I've made a few
mistakes with the babes,

but I've also had my
share of successes.

Well, then, let's just look
at some of these successes,

shall we?

Roll the tape.

Need some help?

One good turn deserves another.

I saw this movie where
this mannequin came to life.

So if you can talk, please do.

Bud.

My God.

You know my name.

Do you also know what I like?

Reginald Bundy, uh,
critic for the Times.

You know, I get so few chances
to see films with the public.

This time I wanna watch a
film exactly as the people do.

So, uh, if you don't mind...

Uh, good-bye, guys. I
guess you're on your own.

Monique wants
to, uh, go upstairs.

Later, gators.

Girl: Why can't you
guys be like Bud?

Let's face this.

We're with boys.

Bud is a man.

He knows how to treat a lady.

♪ I'm just a lonely boy ♪

♪ Lonely and blue ♪

♪ I'm all alone ♪

♪ With nothing to do ♪

So what's your point?

My point is,

you have no respect for women.

You treat them as objects
rather than real people.

Look, I don't like
it either, all right?

But sometimes to get
the babes to put out,

you got to pretend.

Now, I'm gonna give
you one last chance.

Easy there, froggy.

Go slow.

Show her what you've learned.

And above all, respect her.

Smooth move, Gilligan.

I can't stand your
bumbling any longer.

Look, let's face it.

Your body isn't big
enough for the both of us.

Your responses indicate

that you own a burnt
sienna mid-century Dodge

with 800,000 miles.

To verify this
information, press "1.'

Hello, Mr. Bundy.

A live operator will be
with you in a moment.

Peg, a real person's gonna
be on with me in a minute.

That's nice, dear.

Help me! Help me!

He's trying to merge with me!

I'll save you, baby!
Al, call the police.

Uh, Bud?

Do you need someone to talk to?

Mom, pull him off
me. He's taking over.

Mom, pull him off me!

Well, I don't know, honey.
Uh, he's really, really big.

Um, I better just go get
your daddy to help me.

You hold him there.
I'll be right back.

Mom!

Woman: Hello, Mr. Bundy.

Operator? You're alive?

Barely.

But it beats selling
Time-Life books.

Now, if you'll just give me
your credit card number,

we'll send your part right out.

Al! Al! You have
to help our son.

Not now, Peggy. I got a live
person on the phone here.

Oh, man! In a couple of hours,
I'm gonna be toolin' in my Dodge.

Operator, I got to
go get my wallet.

Out of the way, woman!

Oh!

Hi, Bud. How you doing?

I'm cool.

It's cool.

Everything's cool...

now.

Uh, Bud, you know
it's never too late

to take vitamins.

Oh, I had my Pez
this morning, Mom.

Honey, about that Pez...

Damn job. Damn life.

Damn diner.

Daddy says never
waste electricity.

- Hi, pumpkin.
- Hi, Daddy.

- I got a real person.
- Good, Daddy.

Voice: If you build it,

he will come.

If you want them
to build it for you,

press "1."