Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 8, Episode 26 - Kelly Knows Something - full transcript

When the Bundy TV set blows its condenser, Al decides to try out for a place on a new sports trivia game show, hoping to win a new TV set as the first prize. But when he is denied because of his lack of personality, Al tries to transfer his knowledge of sports to Kelly to win the show for him. But for each fact that she takes in, another falls out.

You know, you
wouldn't know this,

but it's tough out
there for those of us

without a couch
growing out of our butt.

A fat woman Godzillas
into the shoe store today

and asks for something she
can wear to walk in the woods.

Jokingly, I suggest she
wear a sign that says

"Don't shoot... from
the front I look human."

Now, you'd think a woman

could take a little
good-humored teasing,

but what does she do?

Complains to the owner,



who gives her a gift certificate

for $200 worth of free shoes,

and you know whose paycheck

that's gonna come out of.

Kelly's?

Damn right, if I could find out

where she hides her purse.

Now for somethi"
I wanna look at.

And now on Fox,

it's the new adventures
of Psycho Dad.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes!

♪ Who is the tall,
dark stranger there? ♪

♪ The one with the
gun and the icy stare? ♪



♪ The one with the scalp
of his ex-wife's hair? ♪

♪ Psycho Dad ♪

♪ Psycho Dad ♪

♪ Psycho Dad ♪

♪ He's a durn good pa ♪

♪ But he hates the law ♪

♪ Told Janet
Reno to eat it raw ♪

♪ Psycho Dad ♪

Now with less violence,

but more kinky sex and nudity

for a cleaner and saner America.

Peg, I'm so excited.

Oh, but, Al, I
hate Psycho Dad...

Peg, there's nothing
in heaven and earth

that will stop me from
watching Psycho Dad.

So, this God person,

what do you think
She looks like?

Hey, smells like
something's cooking in here.

Our TV set blew up.

"Buy a second-hand
TV," you said.

"For ten bucks you
can't go wrong," you said.

Well, now look...
20 years later,

the damn thing's broken.

Al, what is the big deal?

Just go out and buy a new one.

We'll just buy a new one.

Well, spank my bottom,

why didn't I think of that?

Hello, Wally's
World of Free TVs?

What do you have on sale
today for absolutely nothing?

Uh, guys, I got a solution,

though God knows, it's
not for all your problems.

Look, they're having tryouts

for a new game show

called Touchdown Trivia.

First prize is $10,000,

and there's no one who
knows more about sports

or is more trivial than you, Al.

$10,000! Why, with that
I could buy a big screen,

I could buy a satellite dish,

have money left over to
change the locks in the house,

and watch all this in peace.

I'm going to those auditions.

Don't wait up for me.

I wasn't going to.

I was talking to Jefferson.

First, let me congratulate
you on passing the written test.

For the final audition,

we'll play a simulated game of
sports trivia, both national and local.

Any questions?

Well, I'd like to
know if we get...

Yeah, places, please.

And now we will
introduce our host,

Travis James.

Man, I hate rehearsals.

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

First contestant is Al Bundy.

Yes, Travis, I was born...

Then we go to our
second contestant,

Max Weinberg.

Max, that's short for...?

Nothing, fine. Okay.

Our third contestant
is Mike MacKenzie.

Hi, Travis.

Don't speak to me, Mike.
It's just a rehearsal, okay?

Now it's time for
Touchdown Trivia.

Okay, contestants,

we're all familiar with the famous
running back O.J. Simpson.

For five yards, what do
the initials O.J. stand for?

Al.

Orenthal James.

That's correct!

Eat my dust.

Okay, the second question:

what was the World Bowl?

Al.

Title game of the now-defunct
World Football League.

Uh, Travis, excuse me.

Do you want me to rush,

or do you want me to pretend
that I have to think about these?

Here's a ten-yard question.

What occupational oddity

is shared by Henry Aaron,
Willie Mays, and Babe Ruth?

Mike.

They're all baseball players.

Been in this country long, Mike?

Be a little more
specific, please.

- Max.
- All Hall of Fame
baseball players.

Dress a Barbie, Max.

Let a real man answer this.

They all started and
ended their careers

in the same city but
for different teams.

That is correct.

Next question: can you name

one of two women
golfers to win... Max!

- Mickey Wright.
- Correct!

Women's golf is not a sport.

Neither is spitting
for distance.

But it can be!

Women's golf.

All right, next question.

What famous Native
American midget wrestler... Al!

- Sky Low Low.
- That's correct!

Okay, Mr. Bundy,
our final question

pertains to a local
sporting event.

What high school has won

the most city
championships in baseball?

The O'Leary Bucket Kickers.

Correct!

Congratulations, Mr. Bundy.

To have mastered that
amount of sports knowledge,

I can only assume you
have absolutely no life.

None whatsoever, Travis.

By the way, when do you guys

want me to come
back for the real thing?

Ahem.

Well, gee, I'm sorry, Mr. Bundy.

We won't be having
you back at all.

What?

Well, how come?

I won!

Well, according
to our researchers,

you scored extremely
low in personality.

Well, h-how low?

Let me put it to you this way...

It was somewhere
between Joe Piscopo

and the fat kid who played
on Head of the Class.

Look, you know what,
if I liked you at all,

I'd really be sorry.

Wait a second!

You can't do this
to me. I'm a legend!

I scored four touchdowns
in one game at Polk High.

Four touchdowns in
high school football...

Wow.

Look, Mr. Bundy,
we're looking for people

that are young,
smart, and energetic.

Or if you really
want to be a shoo-in,

someone with sex appeal.

Daddy, I can't go on
a sports trivia show.

I don't know
anything about sports.

So? You went to
class every day...

You don't know
anything about school.

Oh, yeah? Then how
come they gave me a thing?

- A diploma?
- Yeah.

Because you tried.

Sweetheart, please!

It's for a new TV!

Come on, I'll order the
Cartoon Channel for you.

Okay.

I'll go upstairs and
call in sick for today.

My boss isn't gonna like it,

but at least somebody's
appreciating me for my mind.

That was the basement.

Bud, now listen.

You've helped Kelly
with her school work.

Tell me, is she
capable of... anything?

Sure. You just gotta
work within her limitations.

Look, Kelly's brain...

Kelly's brain...

can hold anything.

You just gotta make sure of
two things before you start...

One, that it's totally empty.

Well, we know it.

And two, you gotta feed
her information slowly,

a drop at a time
until she's full.

Full?

Oh, yeah.

Kelly's brain can
actually get full.

Yeah, and then you
gotta be really careful,

because each new fact after that

will totally replace an old one.

That's how come she
forgot to put on a blouse

the day she took
her driver's test.

I wondered why her license
expires every 60 days.

Daddy, they said okay.

What do I have to do?

All right. Good, sweetheart.

First, tell me everything
you know about sports.

I know that you
scored four touchdowns

in one game for Polk High.

Very good. What else?

"Golf" spelled
backwards is "flog."

And I thought this was
gonna take a long time.

All right, pumpkin, don't worry.

You just sit down right here,

and in 48 hours, you're gonna
know so much about sports,

you're gonna be like
the son I always wanted.

And now, on to yachting.

Daddy?

Huh?

I'm full.

Thank God.

Well, we've got two hours
to catch up on our sleep.

Now, don't learn anything new

until this game show is over.

How am I supposed to do that?

Follow your mother around.

Welcome to Touchdown Trivia.

Here's the star of our
show, Travis James.

Okay.

Okay, I know we're
anxious to win some money,

so let's get started, shall we.

Our first question
in Touchdown Trivia:

what National League
batter set the all-time record

for strikeouts in
a single season

despite batting over .300?

Mike.

Bobby Bonds, 189
strikeouts in 1970.

That's correct!

Hey, my buzzer didn't work.

Uh, you've gotta squeeze
the buzzer, honey,

don't jerk it.

Thanks. I learned something.

Gee, so did I.

Oh, no, Peg.

Travis put a thought
into Kelly's head.

That means she lost a fact.

For another five yards,

what National Hockey League team

won only one game
in franchise history?

Kelly.

Montreal Wanderers, 1917,

won their opener,
lost the next five,

- and then their stadium
burned down.
- Absolutely correct!

Yes!

All right, our next question

is in professional basketball.

In the NBA, who had the
highest percentage of free throws

in a single season?

Kelly.

Calvin Murphy of
the Houston Rockets

with a whopping 95.8%.

Right again!

Now for ten yards,

what do Karl Marx, Bob Dylan,

and heavyweight champion
Sonny Liston have in common?

Tony.

They're all communist.

No, that's not what
we're looking for.

Mike.

Mamie van Doren.

Judges?

No, I'm sorry, that's incorrect.

Kelly.

They're all on the cover

of the Beatles'
Sergeant Pepper album.

Slide that head!

Oh, baby, you're
gettin' some tonight!

Now, before we continue,

let's meet our contestants.

- Oh, no!
- What's wrong?

Travis might ask her a question,

or worse, tell her
something she doesn't know.

She'll lose another fact!

- Our first contestant...
- I'm from...

is Kelly Bundy,

a poison disseminator
from right here in Chicago.

So, tell me, Miss Bundy...

She's married!

Okay, that's enough chitchat.

Let's get back to our game!

Okay, contestants,
you're all even

with ten yards to go.

You all have a chance
at the big money.

This is for all the marbles,

the big enchilada.

Here's the question.

Who led the Chicago Bulls

in scoring six straight... Tony.

Michael Jordan.

No, no, that's incorrect.

Let me finish the question.

Who led the Chicago
Bulls in scoring

six straight
seasons in the '70s?

Kelly.

Bob "Butter Bean" Love.

For ten yards, that's
correct... and the game!

She did it! She did it!

Oh, Al, can I have some
tomorrow night, too?

Not if I get that TV.

Now, Kelly, as you
know, our bonus question

is always in local sports.

You have $1,000
that you can keep,

but if not,

you can go for the
runback question

and a chance at a
check for $10,000.

- Let's rock.
- Okay!

Al, aren't you afraid
they're gonna ask her

the one fact she lost?

What are the odds of that?

I taught her more local
stuff than national, Peg.

We can't lose!

Okay, Kelly, for $10,000

in local high school football,

who scored four
touchdowns in one game

for Polk High School

in the Chicago
City Championship?

Excuse me while I kiss the sky.

- Al.
- You know, Peg,

this proves a personal
theory of mine.

The longer you suffer,
the greater the rewards.

That's how the gods work.

Mm-hmm. Then why won't
the gods let her answer?

Huh?

Polk High...

four touchdowns...

Red Squeeze Buzzer?

Oh, I'm sorry, Kelly!

The correct answer
was... Audience?

Al Bundy!

But Kelly, you won't
go away empty-handed.

We have plenty of terrific
consolation prizes for you,

and thanks for playing
Touchdown Trivia.

Al.

Yes, Peg?

Am I still gettin' some?

No, Peg.

In fact, when we get home,

I just might take some back.

Well, it's not ten grand,

but a new TV's not a
bad consolation prize.

So you mean I did good?

No.

Oh, come on, Al.

You're proud of
her, now admit it.

Well, you did your
best, pumpkin,

so... yeah, I'm proud of you.

Dad, can we watch something
special on the new TV?

Sure, son.

You know, it doesn't
get any better than this.

♪ Who's that ridin'
across the plain? ♪

♪ Who's lost count of
the wives he's slain? ♪

♪ Who is the man
who's plumb insane? ♪

♪ Psycho Dad ♪

♪ Psycho Dad ♪

♪ Psycho Dad ♪