Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 8, Episode 21 - Nooner or Later - full transcript
While Al is busy at the shoe store with his new temp, Dexter, Peggy must coerce Al into an act over the phone to win a prize on a radio call-in show hosted by Rick Dees. One act for Al is to come home to have a nooner with Peggy. Meanwhile, Kelly and Bud wait in line in the mall outside the shoe store for rock concert tickets.
Does this look like pink to you?
I said pink!
Pink, you bone top!
A thousand pardons,
my little carbuncle.
With this attitude,
you're gonna be working
here for the rest of your life.
Well, take a gander
into the seat next to you
if you wanna see what
your future looks like.
Come, Penelope.
Let's go someplace where
they treat us with respect!
Try the moon, you'll
weigh less there.
Hmm!
What the hell happened
to my lunch box?
Mr. Bundy?
I'm Dexter, the
temp you ordered.
Well, that can't be.
No, I wanted someone
with a 44-inch chest.
- D cup?
- Yeah.
That's me.
Have you ever sold shoes before?
Nope.
You?
Nope.
Welcome aboard. Grab a seat.
Hey, I'm sorry I'm late, but there's
a line around the block out there.
Ah, those are for tickets
for a rock group called
Burned Beyond Recognition.
What kind of moron would wait
in line all day for a rock group?
I gotta get back in line, Dad.
Thanks for the bathroom.
Ah, son...
you and Kelly have been
waiting in line for three days.
Dad, Burned Beyond Recognition
is the coolest
band in the world.
Burned Beyond Recognition.
Why can't these rock groups have
cool names like when we were kids?
Groups like... 1910
Fruitgum Company.
Yup, that was back
in the '60s, wasn't it?
We learned about
that in history.
Yeah, you laugh,
but at least we could have sex
without being wrapped in a tire.
I'm sorry to bring up
that sex thing, son.
What's so special
about this band?
Oh, the lead singer's
been known to vomit
and urinate on the audience.
Ah, pee-per-view.
Yeah. And if you smile up
at Dung, the lead guitarist,
he'll head butt you
right in your teeth.
And there's
nothing like the thrill
of someone taking
a running start
and diving onto you face first.
Actually, there is.
Wife calls it courtin'.
Hey, no cutting ahead.
I've been here for three days.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Say, you are one beautiful girl.
Right. And the
check is in my mouth.
I know the guys backstage
would love to meet you.
You have backstage passes?
You have to get me back there.
No problem.
Just trade places in line
with me, and they're yours.
Oh...
Okay. Oh, boy, Bud's
gonna be so proud of me.
Where's your place in line?
You know where
the end of the line is?
- Uh-huh.
- Past that.
Hello, losers.
Me and my sister
are way, way, wa...
What the hell are
you doing back here?
I got us backstage passes.
All I had to do was trade
places with some guy.
Kelly, these are bus transfers.
Hey... not only can
we get backstage,
we have a way to the concert.
You can't be this dumb.
I can be anything I wanna be.
It's the '90s.
Never mind.
I wish Mom would hurry up
and get here with the food.
I'm starving.
But there's no way I'm
leaving this line again.
She's probably pulling
into the parking lot right now.
You can depend on Mom.
Peggy! Peggy!
Peggy!!
Quick! Turn on the radio.
It's The Rick Dees Show.
He is in rare form today.
- What's he doing?
- Performing a public service.
Humiliating and
destroying men on the air.
Hi, I'm Rick Dees
and welcome to Berate your mate.
Today, ladies,
we're gonna have fun
by making your husbands sing
the world's most
insipid love song.
And, of course, that
insipid love song is...
"Wind Beneath My Wings"?
"Wind Beneath My Wings."
Too bad it's not "wind
beneath my pants."
Al would be a shoe-in.
Now if you can get your husband
to sing "Wind Beneath My Wings"
on the air without
telling him it's a contest...
Now what kind of woman
would do that to her husband?
You'll win a two hundred dollar
gift certificate to
Victoria's Secret.
- Yep?
- Al, it's me.
Honey, you know
what I'd like right now?
A chocolate couch?
Well, yeah...
but right now I want
you to sing to me.
Come on, Peg, I'm working here!
Hook it! Hook it!
Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!
But, Al, I'm feeling
a little lonely,
and nothing would
cheer me up more
than hearing you sing,
"Wind Beneath My Wings."
Just a second here, Peg!
God! Get this thing!
Dexter, get the
tranquilizer gun.
I'm afraid we're gonna have
to tag and release this one.
Come on, Al.
I really want to hear
"Wind Beneath My Wings."
Then jump off the roof, Peg.
Aw, you're hurting my baby toe!
Ma'am...
there ain't a damn thing
on your body that's baby!
Unh! Unh! Unh!
What's keeping Mom?
Why don't you go look for her?
And leave you here alone, so I
can come back and hear you say...
"Uh, duh, Bud, I traded our place
in line for these magic beans."
No, you go look for her. I'm gonna
stay here and guard our place.
Fine.
Backstage passes.
She'd fall for anything.
Hi there, cutie.
Can I cut in line?
Absolutely.
Would you mind if a few
of my friends joined us?
Are they as good-looking as you?
I think so.
Let the games begin.
He said okay.
Ooh!
Please, Al.
Yeah, I know you, Peg.
If I start singing,
you'll get as horny
as the Cape with the same name.
Well, sing to me.
Oh, all right.
Ah!
Help!
She's fallen,
and I can't get up!
Gotta go, Peg.
Sing first.
♪ Gotta go, Pegggg!!! ♪
Dexter! Are you all right?
I think I'm done for.
Just shoot me.
And tell Laura I love her.
I'll get help!
Just to try to find an air
pocket in there someplace!
Now, now, Mrs. Bundy,
don't give up on him.
I'm gonna give you a
second chance to win.
How'd you like dinner for two
at the best restaurant in town?
Ed's Tacos and Liquor?
No.
We're gonna send you to a place
with a roof and tables: Umberto's.
- Umberto's?
- Oh, it's great.
Okay, Rick. What
do I have to do?
What is it now, Peg?
Al... this is very,
very important.
You know my boobs?
Yeah, they're standing
in line for concert tickets.
Not those boobs.
My chest.
I need you to say over the phone
that cute little nickname
that you have for them.
What is it, Peg?
Your "one week to a
dead husband" kit come in?
I'm trying to work here!
Clear!
Oh, come on, Al. You
know what you call them.
Just say it.
Peg, do you think Mrs.
Iaccoca calls Lee and says,
"Lee, before you go
back into the board room,
what's that cute little
nickname you have for my ass?"
Now look, Al, you
just don't understand.
This is extreme...
Clear!
Hang in there, Dexter.
Okay, Mrs. Bundy, we're
gonna give you one last chance.
You'll win a trip to Tahiti
and $10,000 in cash
if you can get your
husband to come home.
I can do that.
I mean, in the next 60 minutes.
I can do that.
For a nooner.
Do you have any
consolation prizes?
Do you have anything sexy?
No. Do you?
Ah, it's a good job.
Hello.
It's for you.
Guess who this is?
My brain on drugs?
Al, it's me.
I want you to come
home for a nooner.
A nooner?
Yeah.
- Well, sure, what time?
- Now!
I'll be right there!
Dexter, mind the store.
But I can't work the register.
Well, do what I do.
Pocket it.
I'm getting me some nooner!
- Nooner?
- Yeah.
Yeah, you know, like lunch.
You want me to
bring you back some?
Al...
nooner is when you have
sex in the middle of the day.
You just agreed to
make love to your wife.
Great jumping horny toads!
I did it. I did it.
Not yet, Mrs. Bundy.
We gotta keep you on the line
and see if your husband
really does come home
before 1:00.
Oh, he'll be here.
And by the way,
could you define sex?
I mean, it doesn't
have to last long
or feel good or anything, right?
No, Mrs. Bundy,
just as in football,
all he has to do
is break the plane.
Oh, Marcy, I'm so excited.
I'm gonna have sex
and go to Tahiti. Ha ha.
Al's never been there.
I bet he's never
been to Tahiti either.
Kelly...
Back here.
Ahh, let me guess...
A girl, right?
Ahh...
Look, look.
Sometimes a person's just
so sexy that you fall in love,
and if they want to cut
ahead of you, then so be it.
Great.
Now I owe Dad ten bucks.
Shut up, okay?
Look, if we can manage
to stay right here,
we're still gonna
get our tickets.
The box office for Burned
Beyond Recognition
is now open.
Remember, no
line-cutting allowed.
Hey, wait a minute!
I'm starving.
It's obvious Mom's not
gonna bring us any food.
I can't leave you here.
You'd give away our
place to anything in a skirt.
Well, I'm not leaving you here.
You'd give your skirt
away to anyone in the place.
Well, who're we gonna
get to stand in line for us?
Hey, Dad, you're
not doing anything.
I'm selling shoes.
Yeah, and we're
writing a screenplay.
What's it about?
Come on, Dad. Please?
Oh, all right, I'm... not
really selling shoes.
- Thanks, Dad.
- Thank you, Dad.
Appreciate it. Hey,
you want anything?
Yeah, I'd like an egg sal...
Hey, are they selling
Wayne Newton tickets, too?
Well, at least Wayne never
had to pee on his audience
to gain their respect.
Well, I don't know,
maybe he did.
I can't explain his popularity.
Al? Al, what're you doing here?
Paying the price
for having kids.
No, you should be home
having sex with your wife.
Why?
Because... I heard
Peggy on the radio.
If you get home before
1:00 for a nooner,
you win $10,000
and a trip to Tahiti.
$10,000 and a trip to Tahiti
just for having sex with Peg?
Yeah.
Well, this is a toughie.
Yeah, well, it could be worse.
Look at the mountain I gotta
climb twelve times a year.
Oh.
Go... go.
Ah! Ooh!
Hey, Dad, you got a
couple of bucks you...
He's gone. Our place.
Look, we'll sneak in
right behind this guy.
Okay.
Hey, lemon head...
you just cut right
in front of me.
Oh, yeah? You got
something to say?
Say it to him.
Don't say it to
me! I didn't do...
Ah, it's a good life.
Well, Mrs. Bundy, you've
got less than a minute left.
Uh...
Listen, Mr. Dees... Al's home.
Hi, honey.
I may be insipid and
smell like rotting flesh...
but I'm home for sex.
Burp.
Let's bump uglies.
Oh, Al.
Oh, Peg.
Oh, right.
Look, this isn't Oprah, ladies.
I'm sorry, your time is up.
But for playing along,
you'll get a consolation prize.
This is Rick Dees...
Did we win? Did we win?
I had to stop off at the
drugstore and get some...
get some marital aids.
I got breath mints for you
and Wild Turkey for me.
Let's do it! Are we too late?
- Well, actually...
- Ah, actually, no, we're not.
We still have
three minutes left.
We could do it six times.
Great. Great, Peg.
You go upstairs, I'll
put the chicken out.
Al, hurry!
We only have two minutes left!
I can't believe it.
The guy ahead of us gets the
last ticket, and what do I get?
To spend three days
of my life with you.
Three days!
Well, sure, it might be
fun for the Navy, but...
Yeah, like you had
anything better to do
than dunk your
girlfriend in water
to see where the leak was.
Hey, at least she has an
excuse for having air in her head.
That is, if I had a
rubber girlfriend.
Which, uh, which I don't.
Not... not anymore.
Oh, I just know if
we had gotten in,
Dung would have
bashed in my teeth.
This is all Dad's fault.
I'm not gonna let
him get away with it.
I say we stay home tonight
and we make his life miserable.
Where are you guys going?
To the Burned Beyond
Recognition concert.
It was our consolation prize
from The Rick Dees Show.
Wait a minute, Dad's the reason
that we don't have those tickets.
We should have them.
Are you kidding?
You don't know what I had to
go through to get those tickets.
You don't know where I've been.
And believe me,
it... it wasn't Tahiti.
You guys don't even like B-B-R.
Well, I don't like S-E-X
with M-O-M either,
but it's my J-O-B.
- Let's go, Peg.
- Oh, Al, I'm so excited.
- Front row seats.
- Yeah.
Yeah, just remember
to smile big at the band
and show them your teeth.
Gee, honey, you think
they'll really notice?
Oh, I... I hope so, Peg.
I said pink!
Pink, you bone top!
A thousand pardons,
my little carbuncle.
With this attitude,
you're gonna be working
here for the rest of your life.
Well, take a gander
into the seat next to you
if you wanna see what
your future looks like.
Come, Penelope.
Let's go someplace where
they treat us with respect!
Try the moon, you'll
weigh less there.
Hmm!
What the hell happened
to my lunch box?
Mr. Bundy?
I'm Dexter, the
temp you ordered.
Well, that can't be.
No, I wanted someone
with a 44-inch chest.
- D cup?
- Yeah.
That's me.
Have you ever sold shoes before?
Nope.
You?
Nope.
Welcome aboard. Grab a seat.
Hey, I'm sorry I'm late, but there's
a line around the block out there.
Ah, those are for tickets
for a rock group called
Burned Beyond Recognition.
What kind of moron would wait
in line all day for a rock group?
I gotta get back in line, Dad.
Thanks for the bathroom.
Ah, son...
you and Kelly have been
waiting in line for three days.
Dad, Burned Beyond Recognition
is the coolest
band in the world.
Burned Beyond Recognition.
Why can't these rock groups have
cool names like when we were kids?
Groups like... 1910
Fruitgum Company.
Yup, that was back
in the '60s, wasn't it?
We learned about
that in history.
Yeah, you laugh,
but at least we could have sex
without being wrapped in a tire.
I'm sorry to bring up
that sex thing, son.
What's so special
about this band?
Oh, the lead singer's
been known to vomit
and urinate on the audience.
Ah, pee-per-view.
Yeah. And if you smile up
at Dung, the lead guitarist,
he'll head butt you
right in your teeth.
And there's
nothing like the thrill
of someone taking
a running start
and diving onto you face first.
Actually, there is.
Wife calls it courtin'.
Hey, no cutting ahead.
I've been here for three days.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Say, you are one beautiful girl.
Right. And the
check is in my mouth.
I know the guys backstage
would love to meet you.
You have backstage passes?
You have to get me back there.
No problem.
Just trade places in line
with me, and they're yours.
Oh...
Okay. Oh, boy, Bud's
gonna be so proud of me.
Where's your place in line?
You know where
the end of the line is?
- Uh-huh.
- Past that.
Hello, losers.
Me and my sister
are way, way, wa...
What the hell are
you doing back here?
I got us backstage passes.
All I had to do was trade
places with some guy.
Kelly, these are bus transfers.
Hey... not only can
we get backstage,
we have a way to the concert.
You can't be this dumb.
I can be anything I wanna be.
It's the '90s.
Never mind.
I wish Mom would hurry up
and get here with the food.
I'm starving.
But there's no way I'm
leaving this line again.
She's probably pulling
into the parking lot right now.
You can depend on Mom.
Peggy! Peggy!
Peggy!!
Quick! Turn on the radio.
It's The Rick Dees Show.
He is in rare form today.
- What's he doing?
- Performing a public service.
Humiliating and
destroying men on the air.
Hi, I'm Rick Dees
and welcome to Berate your mate.
Today, ladies,
we're gonna have fun
by making your husbands sing
the world's most
insipid love song.
And, of course, that
insipid love song is...
"Wind Beneath My Wings"?
"Wind Beneath My Wings."
Too bad it's not "wind
beneath my pants."
Al would be a shoe-in.
Now if you can get your husband
to sing "Wind Beneath My Wings"
on the air without
telling him it's a contest...
Now what kind of woman
would do that to her husband?
You'll win a two hundred dollar
gift certificate to
Victoria's Secret.
- Yep?
- Al, it's me.
Honey, you know
what I'd like right now?
A chocolate couch?
Well, yeah...
but right now I want
you to sing to me.
Come on, Peg, I'm working here!
Hook it! Hook it!
Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!
But, Al, I'm feeling
a little lonely,
and nothing would
cheer me up more
than hearing you sing,
"Wind Beneath My Wings."
Just a second here, Peg!
God! Get this thing!
Dexter, get the
tranquilizer gun.
I'm afraid we're gonna have
to tag and release this one.
Come on, Al.
I really want to hear
"Wind Beneath My Wings."
Then jump off the roof, Peg.
Aw, you're hurting my baby toe!
Ma'am...
there ain't a damn thing
on your body that's baby!
Unh! Unh! Unh!
What's keeping Mom?
Why don't you go look for her?
And leave you here alone, so I
can come back and hear you say...
"Uh, duh, Bud, I traded our place
in line for these magic beans."
No, you go look for her. I'm gonna
stay here and guard our place.
Fine.
Backstage passes.
She'd fall for anything.
Hi there, cutie.
Can I cut in line?
Absolutely.
Would you mind if a few
of my friends joined us?
Are they as good-looking as you?
I think so.
Let the games begin.
He said okay.
Ooh!
Please, Al.
Yeah, I know you, Peg.
If I start singing,
you'll get as horny
as the Cape with the same name.
Well, sing to me.
Oh, all right.
Ah!
Help!
She's fallen,
and I can't get up!
Gotta go, Peg.
Sing first.
♪ Gotta go, Pegggg!!! ♪
Dexter! Are you all right?
I think I'm done for.
Just shoot me.
And tell Laura I love her.
I'll get help!
Just to try to find an air
pocket in there someplace!
Now, now, Mrs. Bundy,
don't give up on him.
I'm gonna give you a
second chance to win.
How'd you like dinner for two
at the best restaurant in town?
Ed's Tacos and Liquor?
No.
We're gonna send you to a place
with a roof and tables: Umberto's.
- Umberto's?
- Oh, it's great.
Okay, Rick. What
do I have to do?
What is it now, Peg?
Al... this is very,
very important.
You know my boobs?
Yeah, they're standing
in line for concert tickets.
Not those boobs.
My chest.
I need you to say over the phone
that cute little nickname
that you have for them.
What is it, Peg?
Your "one week to a
dead husband" kit come in?
I'm trying to work here!
Clear!
Oh, come on, Al. You
know what you call them.
Just say it.
Peg, do you think Mrs.
Iaccoca calls Lee and says,
"Lee, before you go
back into the board room,
what's that cute little
nickname you have for my ass?"
Now look, Al, you
just don't understand.
This is extreme...
Clear!
Hang in there, Dexter.
Okay, Mrs. Bundy, we're
gonna give you one last chance.
You'll win a trip to Tahiti
and $10,000 in cash
if you can get your
husband to come home.
I can do that.
I mean, in the next 60 minutes.
I can do that.
For a nooner.
Do you have any
consolation prizes?
Do you have anything sexy?
No. Do you?
Ah, it's a good job.
Hello.
It's for you.
Guess who this is?
My brain on drugs?
Al, it's me.
I want you to come
home for a nooner.
A nooner?
Yeah.
- Well, sure, what time?
- Now!
I'll be right there!
Dexter, mind the store.
But I can't work the register.
Well, do what I do.
Pocket it.
I'm getting me some nooner!
- Nooner?
- Yeah.
Yeah, you know, like lunch.
You want me to
bring you back some?
Al...
nooner is when you have
sex in the middle of the day.
You just agreed to
make love to your wife.
Great jumping horny toads!
I did it. I did it.
Not yet, Mrs. Bundy.
We gotta keep you on the line
and see if your husband
really does come home
before 1:00.
Oh, he'll be here.
And by the way,
could you define sex?
I mean, it doesn't
have to last long
or feel good or anything, right?
No, Mrs. Bundy,
just as in football,
all he has to do
is break the plane.
Oh, Marcy, I'm so excited.
I'm gonna have sex
and go to Tahiti. Ha ha.
Al's never been there.
I bet he's never
been to Tahiti either.
Kelly...
Back here.
Ahh, let me guess...
A girl, right?
Ahh...
Look, look.
Sometimes a person's just
so sexy that you fall in love,
and if they want to cut
ahead of you, then so be it.
Great.
Now I owe Dad ten bucks.
Shut up, okay?
Look, if we can manage
to stay right here,
we're still gonna
get our tickets.
The box office for Burned
Beyond Recognition
is now open.
Remember, no
line-cutting allowed.
Hey, wait a minute!
I'm starving.
It's obvious Mom's not
gonna bring us any food.
I can't leave you here.
You'd give away our
place to anything in a skirt.
Well, I'm not leaving you here.
You'd give your skirt
away to anyone in the place.
Well, who're we gonna
get to stand in line for us?
Hey, Dad, you're
not doing anything.
I'm selling shoes.
Yeah, and we're
writing a screenplay.
What's it about?
Come on, Dad. Please?
Oh, all right, I'm... not
really selling shoes.
- Thanks, Dad.
- Thank you, Dad.
Appreciate it. Hey,
you want anything?
Yeah, I'd like an egg sal...
Hey, are they selling
Wayne Newton tickets, too?
Well, at least Wayne never
had to pee on his audience
to gain their respect.
Well, I don't know,
maybe he did.
I can't explain his popularity.
Al? Al, what're you doing here?
Paying the price
for having kids.
No, you should be home
having sex with your wife.
Why?
Because... I heard
Peggy on the radio.
If you get home before
1:00 for a nooner,
you win $10,000
and a trip to Tahiti.
$10,000 and a trip to Tahiti
just for having sex with Peg?
Yeah.
Well, this is a toughie.
Yeah, well, it could be worse.
Look at the mountain I gotta
climb twelve times a year.
Oh.
Go... go.
Ah! Ooh!
Hey, Dad, you got a
couple of bucks you...
He's gone. Our place.
Look, we'll sneak in
right behind this guy.
Okay.
Hey, lemon head...
you just cut right
in front of me.
Oh, yeah? You got
something to say?
Say it to him.
Don't say it to
me! I didn't do...
Ah, it's a good life.
Well, Mrs. Bundy, you've
got less than a minute left.
Uh...
Listen, Mr. Dees... Al's home.
Hi, honey.
I may be insipid and
smell like rotting flesh...
but I'm home for sex.
Burp.
Let's bump uglies.
Oh, Al.
Oh, Peg.
Oh, right.
Look, this isn't Oprah, ladies.
I'm sorry, your time is up.
But for playing along,
you'll get a consolation prize.
This is Rick Dees...
Did we win? Did we win?
I had to stop off at the
drugstore and get some...
get some marital aids.
I got breath mints for you
and Wild Turkey for me.
Let's do it! Are we too late?
- Well, actually...
- Ah, actually, no, we're not.
We still have
three minutes left.
We could do it six times.
Great. Great, Peg.
You go upstairs, I'll
put the chicken out.
Al, hurry!
We only have two minutes left!
I can't believe it.
The guy ahead of us gets the
last ticket, and what do I get?
To spend three days
of my life with you.
Three days!
Well, sure, it might be
fun for the Navy, but...
Yeah, like you had
anything better to do
than dunk your
girlfriend in water
to see where the leak was.
Hey, at least she has an
excuse for having air in her head.
That is, if I had a
rubber girlfriend.
Which, uh, which I don't.
Not... not anymore.
Oh, I just know if
we had gotten in,
Dung would have
bashed in my teeth.
This is all Dad's fault.
I'm not gonna let
him get away with it.
I say we stay home tonight
and we make his life miserable.
Where are you guys going?
To the Burned Beyond
Recognition concert.
It was our consolation prize
from The Rick Dees Show.
Wait a minute, Dad's the reason
that we don't have those tickets.
We should have them.
Are you kidding?
You don't know what I had to
go through to get those tickets.
You don't know where I've been.
And believe me,
it... it wasn't Tahiti.
You guys don't even like B-B-R.
Well, I don't like S-E-X
with M-O-M either,
but it's my J-O-B.
- Let's go, Peg.
- Oh, Al, I'm so excited.
- Front row seats.
- Yeah.
Yeah, just remember
to smile big at the band
and show them your teeth.
Gee, honey, you think
they'll really notice?
Oh, I... I hope so, Peg.