Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 8, Episode 2 - Hood in the Boyz - full transcript
Al is thrilled when his childhood girlfriend asks for his help in dealing with a young thug and his gang who have been harassing her at the inner city convenience store where she now works. But how does Al explain it to Peggy? Simply put: Al checks himself and Peggy into a local hotel near the rough neighborhood and sneaks out to confront the thug Ray-Ray and his gang, only to get beaten up by the youths again and again.
Hi, Peggy.
We just came by to
borrow some lawn chairs.
Jefferson's taking me to
the beach in the morning.
The beach, huh?
Gee, I can't remember the last
time Al took me to the beach.
Can't remember the
last time Al took me.
Sure as hell
wasn't at the beach.
Oh, Peggy, it's such a shame
you didn't marry into
your own species.
Vertebrates love to go
places with their wives.
Take Jefferson.
Like you wouldn't want him back.
For example, I meant.
In the book that I got him,
The Woman is Always Right...
Jefferson has learned the
ABC's of any good marriage are...
Appreciation, balance,
and consideration.
Well, you know,
Al believes in the ABC's
of a good marriage, too.
Only his are: air
conditioning, beer,
and, "Could you shut up so I can
enjoy my air conditioning and beer?"
Come on, Marcy. Your
stuff's in the garage.
Al, how come you never
take me to the beach?
What's the point? You'll
just find your way back.
I really wish you two
were coming with us.
I hate seeing Al shirtless
as much as anyone,
but there's no better way
to keep the flies off the food.
Ha ha ha ha!
Well, on the bright side,
there's no lifeguard alive
that would give her
mouth-to-beak resuscitation.
Hey, guess what happened
to me today at the shoe store.
A cop came in, gave
you a ticket for loitering?
So no friends at all are
enough for you now?
I'm sorry, Al. Go ahead.
Okay.
Jefferson, was there
ever a girl in your life
that you were so nuts
about, so crazy for,
so unbelievably in love with,
that you would do
anything she asked for?
Yes. Marcy.
Really?
Yep. Marcy McGuire,
my third-grade teacher.
I remember she used
to wear this certain skirt,
and sometimes, if there
was a lot of static electricity
in the air, it would...
Jefferson, this is my story.
What would it do?
Cling to her bottom.
Yeah.
Oh, well, anyway, there
I was in the shoe store,
and guess who I heard from.
Mary Ellen Listfield.
My Marcy McGuire. Oh!
Should've seen her.
She was the most beautiful
girl in the neighborhood.
I tell you, I was so in love.
So, uh...
did you do her?
You're a toad. You
know that, Jefferson?
Why would I say I
was in love with her
if I ever had sex with her?
Good point, Al. You're right.
So good ahead. What happened?
Well, she went off
to college, but, uh,
before she went, I told her if
she ever needed anything to call.
Today she did.
So now you're gonna do her?
My doing days
are over, Jefferson.
I'm done.
But get this.
She's living back
in the neighborhood.
She's running her
father's old soda shop.
A few of the kids in the
neighborhood are giving her a bad time.
So I'm gonna go
straighten things out.
What are you gonna tell Peggy?
Same thing I've told
her my whole life.
What I do is none of
her damn business!
Al, Al, Al,
have you ever read the book,
The Man is Always Right?
Uh, no. Wife wouldn't let me.
Well, in the chapter titled
"My God, Is She Still Here?"...
it clearly states that the longer
a couple has been married,
the less likely a man can
hide anything from his wife.
Ha ha ha ha!
There hasn't been a woman made
yet smart enough to read Al Bundy.
Hi, Peg.
What are you hiding?
I was at the shoe store
today when I got a phone call...
When... when he realized
that he hasn't taken you
on that second honeymoon
that you've always dreamed of,
and now he is.
Now I am?
Oh, Al, you are?
You really do care.
Oh, Peg, I don't. I
swear that I don't.
I gotta go tell Marcy.
Okay, I know what
you're thinking.
Oh?
Then why aren't you
crossing your legs?
Look, Al, don't you get it?
Now she can't suspect anything.
All you do is you
just go get a hotel
near the old neighborhood.
And after you take
care of business,
then you can go
take care of business.
But that means I have
to have sex with my wife.
Hey, sometimes if
you wanna win the war,
you have to burn the village.
Oh!
Al, this is so exciting!
Look at this room.
Look at this bed.
And it's even made.
Our second honeymoon.
Just you and me together
for the whole weekend.
Gee, Al, I wish you
could feel my heart.
I wish I could feel your throat.
But, uh, enough foreplay.
This is our honeymoon, and I say that
we shouldn't waste another minute of it.
Oh, baby.
Well, I haven't
seen you like this
since Ginger Week
on Gilligan's Island.
So, uh, what'd you have in mind?
Well, first off, I say we
get out of these clothes
and then start things off
with a good, long, hard...
nap.
Nap?
Yes, Peg. Just you and
me. Or better yet, just you.
But, Al, I wanted
to fool around.
Oh, Peg, then it'd be just
like our first honeymoon.
But not if we fool
around together.
Just a quickie, Al.
Oh, Peg!
Oh, please, honey,
just a quickie, I promise,
and then I'll go right to sleep.
Oh, all right.
Oh!
Make it quick
'cause I... Peg, no!
Hey, buddy, can you help me out?
Sorry. I already
gave with the wife.
I'm, uh, here to see Mary Ellen.
Well, she's upstairs.
Hey, aren't you Al Bundy?
Himself.
How did you know?
Everybody knows you, Mr. Bundy.
That's the thing
about coming home.
They never forget you.
Say, little girl,
you look familiar.
You wouldn't happen
to be Mary Ellen's
daughter by any chance?
Me? Nah.
I'm Jackie, her niece.
Yes!
I knew it.
My dream girl's still untouched.
All Aunt Mary's kids are grown.
Oh, well, what did you expect?
The same little virgin you
used to walk to school?
So someone else touched her.
What difference does it make?
Damn slut.
Hi, Al.
Oh, Mary Ellen.
You-you don't
look like a slut at all.
Well, thanks, Al.
You're not exactly a sack
of road apples yourself.
Well, I try to keep in shape.
It has been a long time, Al.
Yeah, it sure has.
Um... Hey, congratulations.
Jackie here tells me
you had some sex...
I mean some-some kids.
Uh, yeah. Three
actually. How about you?
Uh, no sex, two
kids, three dollars.
Oh. Not on me. But listen.
I got to be honest.
I can't stay long,
'cause the wife thinks
I'm in the bathroom,
so I can only stay
a couple of hours.
Hey, you wanna tell me about
those kids who've been hassling you?
Well, um, the main
one's name is Ray Ray,
and he's not a bad kid actually.
In a lot of ways, he reminds me
of the way you were.
I don't wanna get
him in trouble, Al.
I just figured with you
guys being so similar that...
Uh-oh.
Here he comes.
What, this little punk?
What's so similar about us?
Hey, give me a couple of
steak and egg sandwiches, huh?
You know, in my day, when
two people were talking,
a man would wait his turn.
Well, in your day, there
only were two people.
Now, give me a couple of
steak and egg sandwiches.
You never paid for the
ones you had last night.
That's why I said "give me."
Do I know you, man?
Ever hear of Al Bundy?
Poke High? All City?
Four touchdowns in one game?
No.
Hey, wait a minute, Ray Ray.
It's that bad-check guy.
Oh, yeah. Al Bundy.
Hey, what is up, Al?
What's up is I was
king of these streets
before you were
the gleam in the eyes
of a couple of strangers
at an Eagles concert.
And that lady you've been
picking on is a friend of mine.
So as the former
king of the streets
to a pretender to the throne,
we can handle this two ways:
either in here like gentlemen,
or out there like
Ren and Stimpy.
The choice is up to you.
Begging Your Highness' pardon,
but if I may suggest
a third option.
Al, are you okay?
You've been in there
for almost two hours.
Uh, do you need any...
help?
Nope. I'm fine.
Just savoring the moment.
Al, what happened?
Uh, cut myself shaving.
Hey, Peg.
I was king of the
streets once, wasn't I?
Of course you were king
of the streets once, honey.
You and your boys.
You remember.
Crazy Andy Goozick.
Pete the Beat Rombalo.
Tony the Tongue McCullough.
Wait a second, Peg.
I never knew anyone
named Tony the Tongue.
Well...
I guess he must've
been one of my boys.
Yeah. My boys.
That's what I need. My boys.
Oh, no, you don't, Al.
You can do this all by yourself.
Do what, Peg?
On, no! Now, Peg...
Al: Help me! I'm dying!
Al: Yo, Ray Ray!
Okay, punk...
- You okay, Skippy?
- Yeah, I'm all right.
Good.
What, do you got
doughnuts in that thing?
We walked from the car, okay?
As I was saying,
now that the odds
are a little fairer,
let's reexamine your options.
What, are we
supposed to be scared?
Well, let me tell you something
about the king and his court.
Well, this certainly sucks.
But it's no time to panic.
If you're still the king, just
say what a king would say.
C-can't we all just get along?
Oh, please let her be asleep.
Oh, please. Oh,
please. Oh, please.
Thank you.
Al.
Ah, Peg,
c-can't we all just g-get along?
Well, well, well.
Aah!
Kud, Belly.
What are you four doing here?
Daddy, we know what
you've been doing.
It's all over town.
That I've been having
sex with my wife?
Now I'm ruined.
Not that, eggplant.
We're talking about fighting in
the street with Ray Ray's boys.
Daddy, this is Chicago, 1990's.
This is not some
gunfight at the Okie Corral.
O.K.
Yeah, I'm all right.
I'm just a little pissed.
All right, now, kids, I
appreciate your concern,
but I have given my word
to a very dear old friend.
And as soon as I can
remember her name
and where she lives,
I'm going back there.
Have I gone yet?
No, Dad.
Well, then, give me a push.
Now, help me up.
Yo, Ray.
What is it with you, Bundy?
You're still not getting
enough curb in your diet?
I mean, we knock you
around, you come back.
Why? Why do you do it?
For the same reason
men climb mountains
or sail across the sea alone.
For the only reason that
a rational man would do
an irrational thing like this.
Pride.
No. Women.
I'm a moron, Ray Ray.
We're all morons. That's
what comes from being a man.
From the first little
worm they dare us to eat
to the last big
shovelful of snow
they convince us we can move,
we're nothing more to women
than an amusement park ride
with life insurance.
Why else would we do
the idiotic things that we do?
For example... You ski?
No.
Well, you will someday
if a girl wants you to.
We all will.
We'd hurtle down
that mountain so fast
that the crack of our
bodies hitting the tree
wouldn't even
resonate in their ears
before we'd pounce
up and say, "I'm okay."
They know we're not okay.
Hell, even if they miss
that pair of squirrels
running away with
our hacky sacks,
one glance down at
the color of the snow
would hint that there
might be some trauma.
And we've all been
to a weight room
when a pretty girl walks
by and said to ourselves,
"Gee, I think I'll start
today's warm-up bench press
with, oh, nine tons."
So you see, Ray Ray,
as long as there's women,
there'll be men around doing
stupid things to impress them.
That's why I'm here.
That's why you're here.
That's why they're here.
Now, someday you
may evolve beyond this,
but, uh, it's too late for me.
I'm too old, too married,
and lost far too
many hacky sacks.
So... it's either I split
so you look cool
in front of your girl...
Or you look cool
in front of yours
and kill me.
Let's rock.
I owe you a lot of thanks.
And if you were telling the truth
about the reason you did this,
I guess I owe you
an apology, too.
What for? For being a woman?
Accepted.
Hey, Mary Ellen, let
me ask you something.
If I wasn't married and
I did what I did for you,
would I get to nail you?
No.
Then it was all worth it.
We just came by to
borrow some lawn chairs.
Jefferson's taking me to
the beach in the morning.
The beach, huh?
Gee, I can't remember the last
time Al took me to the beach.
Can't remember the
last time Al took me.
Sure as hell
wasn't at the beach.
Oh, Peggy, it's such a shame
you didn't marry into
your own species.
Vertebrates love to go
places with their wives.
Take Jefferson.
Like you wouldn't want him back.
For example, I meant.
In the book that I got him,
The Woman is Always Right...
Jefferson has learned the
ABC's of any good marriage are...
Appreciation, balance,
and consideration.
Well, you know,
Al believes in the ABC's
of a good marriage, too.
Only his are: air
conditioning, beer,
and, "Could you shut up so I can
enjoy my air conditioning and beer?"
Come on, Marcy. Your
stuff's in the garage.
Al, how come you never
take me to the beach?
What's the point? You'll
just find your way back.
I really wish you two
were coming with us.
I hate seeing Al shirtless
as much as anyone,
but there's no better way
to keep the flies off the food.
Ha ha ha ha!
Well, on the bright side,
there's no lifeguard alive
that would give her
mouth-to-beak resuscitation.
Hey, guess what happened
to me today at the shoe store.
A cop came in, gave
you a ticket for loitering?
So no friends at all are
enough for you now?
I'm sorry, Al. Go ahead.
Okay.
Jefferson, was there
ever a girl in your life
that you were so nuts
about, so crazy for,
so unbelievably in love with,
that you would do
anything she asked for?
Yes. Marcy.
Really?
Yep. Marcy McGuire,
my third-grade teacher.
I remember she used
to wear this certain skirt,
and sometimes, if there
was a lot of static electricity
in the air, it would...
Jefferson, this is my story.
What would it do?
Cling to her bottom.
Yeah.
Oh, well, anyway, there
I was in the shoe store,
and guess who I heard from.
Mary Ellen Listfield.
My Marcy McGuire. Oh!
Should've seen her.
She was the most beautiful
girl in the neighborhood.
I tell you, I was so in love.
So, uh...
did you do her?
You're a toad. You
know that, Jefferson?
Why would I say I
was in love with her
if I ever had sex with her?
Good point, Al. You're right.
So good ahead. What happened?
Well, she went off
to college, but, uh,
before she went, I told her if
she ever needed anything to call.
Today she did.
So now you're gonna do her?
My doing days
are over, Jefferson.
I'm done.
But get this.
She's living back
in the neighborhood.
She's running her
father's old soda shop.
A few of the kids in the
neighborhood are giving her a bad time.
So I'm gonna go
straighten things out.
What are you gonna tell Peggy?
Same thing I've told
her my whole life.
What I do is none of
her damn business!
Al, Al, Al,
have you ever read the book,
The Man is Always Right?
Uh, no. Wife wouldn't let me.
Well, in the chapter titled
"My God, Is She Still Here?"...
it clearly states that the longer
a couple has been married,
the less likely a man can
hide anything from his wife.
Ha ha ha ha!
There hasn't been a woman made
yet smart enough to read Al Bundy.
Hi, Peg.
What are you hiding?
I was at the shoe store
today when I got a phone call...
When... when he realized
that he hasn't taken you
on that second honeymoon
that you've always dreamed of,
and now he is.
Now I am?
Oh, Al, you are?
You really do care.
Oh, Peg, I don't. I
swear that I don't.
I gotta go tell Marcy.
Okay, I know what
you're thinking.
Oh?
Then why aren't you
crossing your legs?
Look, Al, don't you get it?
Now she can't suspect anything.
All you do is you
just go get a hotel
near the old neighborhood.
And after you take
care of business,
then you can go
take care of business.
But that means I have
to have sex with my wife.
Hey, sometimes if
you wanna win the war,
you have to burn the village.
Oh!
Al, this is so exciting!
Look at this room.
Look at this bed.
And it's even made.
Our second honeymoon.
Just you and me together
for the whole weekend.
Gee, Al, I wish you
could feel my heart.
I wish I could feel your throat.
But, uh, enough foreplay.
This is our honeymoon, and I say that
we shouldn't waste another minute of it.
Oh, baby.
Well, I haven't
seen you like this
since Ginger Week
on Gilligan's Island.
So, uh, what'd you have in mind?
Well, first off, I say we
get out of these clothes
and then start things off
with a good, long, hard...
nap.
Nap?
Yes, Peg. Just you and
me. Or better yet, just you.
But, Al, I wanted
to fool around.
Oh, Peg, then it'd be just
like our first honeymoon.
But not if we fool
around together.
Just a quickie, Al.
Oh, Peg!
Oh, please, honey,
just a quickie, I promise,
and then I'll go right to sleep.
Oh, all right.
Oh!
Make it quick
'cause I... Peg, no!
Hey, buddy, can you help me out?
Sorry. I already
gave with the wife.
I'm, uh, here to see Mary Ellen.
Well, she's upstairs.
Hey, aren't you Al Bundy?
Himself.
How did you know?
Everybody knows you, Mr. Bundy.
That's the thing
about coming home.
They never forget you.
Say, little girl,
you look familiar.
You wouldn't happen
to be Mary Ellen's
daughter by any chance?
Me? Nah.
I'm Jackie, her niece.
Yes!
I knew it.
My dream girl's still untouched.
All Aunt Mary's kids are grown.
Oh, well, what did you expect?
The same little virgin you
used to walk to school?
So someone else touched her.
What difference does it make?
Damn slut.
Hi, Al.
Oh, Mary Ellen.
You-you don't
look like a slut at all.
Well, thanks, Al.
You're not exactly a sack
of road apples yourself.
Well, I try to keep in shape.
It has been a long time, Al.
Yeah, it sure has.
Um... Hey, congratulations.
Jackie here tells me
you had some sex...
I mean some-some kids.
Uh, yeah. Three
actually. How about you?
Uh, no sex, two
kids, three dollars.
Oh. Not on me. But listen.
I got to be honest.
I can't stay long,
'cause the wife thinks
I'm in the bathroom,
so I can only stay
a couple of hours.
Hey, you wanna tell me about
those kids who've been hassling you?
Well, um, the main
one's name is Ray Ray,
and he's not a bad kid actually.
In a lot of ways, he reminds me
of the way you were.
I don't wanna get
him in trouble, Al.
I just figured with you
guys being so similar that...
Uh-oh.
Here he comes.
What, this little punk?
What's so similar about us?
Hey, give me a couple of
steak and egg sandwiches, huh?
You know, in my day, when
two people were talking,
a man would wait his turn.
Well, in your day, there
only were two people.
Now, give me a couple of
steak and egg sandwiches.
You never paid for the
ones you had last night.
That's why I said "give me."
Do I know you, man?
Ever hear of Al Bundy?
Poke High? All City?
Four touchdowns in one game?
No.
Hey, wait a minute, Ray Ray.
It's that bad-check guy.
Oh, yeah. Al Bundy.
Hey, what is up, Al?
What's up is I was
king of these streets
before you were
the gleam in the eyes
of a couple of strangers
at an Eagles concert.
And that lady you've been
picking on is a friend of mine.
So as the former
king of the streets
to a pretender to the throne,
we can handle this two ways:
either in here like gentlemen,
or out there like
Ren and Stimpy.
The choice is up to you.
Begging Your Highness' pardon,
but if I may suggest
a third option.
Al, are you okay?
You've been in there
for almost two hours.
Uh, do you need any...
help?
Nope. I'm fine.
Just savoring the moment.
Al, what happened?
Uh, cut myself shaving.
Hey, Peg.
I was king of the
streets once, wasn't I?
Of course you were king
of the streets once, honey.
You and your boys.
You remember.
Crazy Andy Goozick.
Pete the Beat Rombalo.
Tony the Tongue McCullough.
Wait a second, Peg.
I never knew anyone
named Tony the Tongue.
Well...
I guess he must've
been one of my boys.
Yeah. My boys.
That's what I need. My boys.
Oh, no, you don't, Al.
You can do this all by yourself.
Do what, Peg?
On, no! Now, Peg...
Al: Help me! I'm dying!
Al: Yo, Ray Ray!
Okay, punk...
- You okay, Skippy?
- Yeah, I'm all right.
Good.
What, do you got
doughnuts in that thing?
We walked from the car, okay?
As I was saying,
now that the odds
are a little fairer,
let's reexamine your options.
What, are we
supposed to be scared?
Well, let me tell you something
about the king and his court.
Well, this certainly sucks.
But it's no time to panic.
If you're still the king, just
say what a king would say.
C-can't we all just get along?
Oh, please let her be asleep.
Oh, please. Oh,
please. Oh, please.
Thank you.
Al.
Ah, Peg,
c-can't we all just g-get along?
Well, well, well.
Aah!
Kud, Belly.
What are you four doing here?
Daddy, we know what
you've been doing.
It's all over town.
That I've been having
sex with my wife?
Now I'm ruined.
Not that, eggplant.
We're talking about fighting in
the street with Ray Ray's boys.
Daddy, this is Chicago, 1990's.
This is not some
gunfight at the Okie Corral.
O.K.
Yeah, I'm all right.
I'm just a little pissed.
All right, now, kids, I
appreciate your concern,
but I have given my word
to a very dear old friend.
And as soon as I can
remember her name
and where she lives,
I'm going back there.
Have I gone yet?
No, Dad.
Well, then, give me a push.
Now, help me up.
Yo, Ray.
What is it with you, Bundy?
You're still not getting
enough curb in your diet?
I mean, we knock you
around, you come back.
Why? Why do you do it?
For the same reason
men climb mountains
or sail across the sea alone.
For the only reason that
a rational man would do
an irrational thing like this.
Pride.
No. Women.
I'm a moron, Ray Ray.
We're all morons. That's
what comes from being a man.
From the first little
worm they dare us to eat
to the last big
shovelful of snow
they convince us we can move,
we're nothing more to women
than an amusement park ride
with life insurance.
Why else would we do
the idiotic things that we do?
For example... You ski?
No.
Well, you will someday
if a girl wants you to.
We all will.
We'd hurtle down
that mountain so fast
that the crack of our
bodies hitting the tree
wouldn't even
resonate in their ears
before we'd pounce
up and say, "I'm okay."
They know we're not okay.
Hell, even if they miss
that pair of squirrels
running away with
our hacky sacks,
one glance down at
the color of the snow
would hint that there
might be some trauma.
And we've all been
to a weight room
when a pretty girl walks
by and said to ourselves,
"Gee, I think I'll start
today's warm-up bench press
with, oh, nine tons."
So you see, Ray Ray,
as long as there's women,
there'll be men around doing
stupid things to impress them.
That's why I'm here.
That's why you're here.
That's why they're here.
Now, someday you
may evolve beyond this,
but, uh, it's too late for me.
I'm too old, too married,
and lost far too
many hacky sacks.
So... it's either I split
so you look cool
in front of your girl...
Or you look cool
in front of yours
and kill me.
Let's rock.
I owe you a lot of thanks.
And if you were telling the truth
about the reason you did this,
I guess I owe you
an apology, too.
What for? For being a woman?
Accepted.
Hey, Mary Ellen, let
me ask you something.
If I wasn't married and
I did what I did for you,
would I get to nail you?
No.
Then it was all worth it.