Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 8, Episode 19 - Field of Screams - full transcript
Al opposes the proposed destruction of his old high school football field to build a new auto plant (initiated by Marcy and Kyoto Bank) by chaining himself to the goalpost. Meanwhile, Buck and Bud suffer from unusual side effects after Kelly the Verminator sprays them with a new pesticide called "Springtime in Baghdad."
To demonstrate.
Are you ready, boy?
Help me.
Here we go.
Isn't this great, Buck?
And you didn't wanna do it.
Yeah, this is great.
I look like Oprah after
she dropped the weight.
Hi, Peggy.
Now, I don't wanna rub this in
because you're poor
and married to Al,
which is, of
course, redundant...
But guess what? I'm rich!
Rich? Well... how'd you do that?
Maybe I could do it, too.
I worked for it.
Oh.
You see, Trans-Mexican Motors
has been looking for a
place to build their new car,
the Haguar GT...
And I found them
a piece of property
right next to Polk High School.
It is a $400 million deal,
and I get a finder's fee.
How much is that?
One point three million dollars.
Ha ha ha.
Plus a brand-new
Haguar for each of us.
Oh, but don't think this
is going to change us. No.
We'll still be the same
humble people we always were.
Just in a better part of town.
Oh, yeah. I forgot to tell you.
We're moving!
And we just came by to tell you
how sorry we are about leaving!
Oh, Jefferson!
This is the happiest
day of my life!
Isn't this a great country?
This country sucks, Peg!
And I'll tell you why.
We're givin' it away
faster than we can
take it from other people.
I was driving by
Polk High today...
to catch a glimpse
of the scoreboard,
which once
proclaimed my glory...
and fight with the
homeless for nickels...
and guess what sign I
saw on the school fence?
"Life 50, Al zero"?
Hey, Marcy, I see they
drink a lot at Zippy Cuts...
The sign said,
"Future home of the Haguar,"
which means, Peg,
that they will be
building automobiles
on the football field where
I scored four touchdowns
in a single game.
Where pert cheerleaders
in stuffed bras
and short mini-skirts
used to sing, "One,
two, four, three,
give the ball to Al Bundy."
This is madness I say!
How could this have happened?
Two town meetings,
a suitcase full
of unmarked bills
and it's pretty
much a done deal.
- You were involved?
- I was.
Well, you're not going
to get away with this.
If it's a war you want,
it's a war you'll get.
But you and your
fellow Hag-whites
should know one thing...
Al is the first word
in Al-a-mo.
Al... we lost the Alamo.
Oh, Peg, nobody remembers that!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h Hi.
Verminator here again.
Now, a few of you viewers
\hhave expressed concern
over alleged side effects
\hof our new bug poison,
Springtime in Baghdad,
\h\h\hnow with pepsin.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h Well,
I'm here to tell you
that these allegations
\hof genetic mutations
are completely false.
\h\h\h And to prove it,
my brother Bud here...
who I love like a brother,
\h\h\h\h\h has graciously
volunteered to be sprayed
directly in the kisser
\h\h\hwith this stuff.
Are you ready, Bud?
I'll kill you!
See? He can't wait.
Let's do it.
You were great, Bud.
People are gonna recognize
you wherever you go.
C'mon, Ma, tell the truth.
You think these'll
turn girls off?
Oh, come on, honey.
Don't let a little thing like a
couple of breasts get you down.
It's not like they're permanent.
I mean, it's been a whole week,
and look how much
better Buck is getting.
I sure hope this crap wears
off before Thanksgiving.
Maybe you're right, Ma.
I'll just hide for a while.
It's not like I had
any plans this week.
Hi, Bud.
It's me, Sasha.
The girl you've wanted
every day and night of your life
since the first grade.
Well, I'm about
to enter a convent,
and I wanted to
be with a real man
for my first, last
and only time.
Take me, Bud.
Take me now!
You caught me at a bad time.
Good-bye.
Where're you goin'?
To cop a feel, then kill myself.
Hey, Mom. Bud still have boobs?
Ah, then I'll be
sleeping at Cindy's.
Where's Dad?
Oh, he's down at the
City Council meeting.
You know, he's really steamed
about them paving
over his football field.
Argh, I just hope
he doesn't make a
testicle out of himself.
You mean spectacle, honey.
No, I mean testicle.
I'm used to the spectacle thing.
Well, let's just hope that if he's
gonna make a fool of himself,
at least he'll do it in the
privacy of his own home.
And on the lighter,
more pitiful side \h\hof the news,
\h\h\h\h\h self-proclaimed
football legend Al Bundy
is leading a protest
\h\h against the proposed
Trans-Mexican auto plant
by handcuffing himself
\h\h\h\hto a goal post
on his old high school
\h\h\h\hplaying field.
\h He has vowed to
stay chained to this post...
until the project \h\h\h\h\h\his moved
\h\h\h or, quote, "Marcy has lips."
What a testicle.
Bud, I'm glad you're here
to share my moment of triumph.
Well... you got someone
workin' crowd control, Dad?
These things take time, son.
You think people
came when Paul Revere
rode nude through the town
yelling "The Beatles
are coming"? No.
He had to chain himself
to the old North wind
and throw up in
the harbor first.
But like old Paul...
you'll be readin'
about me some day.
Yeah, once Time-Life comes
out with the Great Idiot series.
Huh?
Anyway... I just came over
'cause Mom was wondering
if you wanted any food.
Di-did you bring me something?
No. She was just wondering.
Well, you tell your mother
that my stomach
is full of pride.
Pride and the bologna sandwich
I ate a couple of weeks ago.
By the way, it's warm out
here tonight. Why the coat?
I was just comin'
down with something.
- Chest cold?
- No.
No... this coat just
makes 'em sensitive.
Well, anyway, son,
I'm glad you're here.
I want you to help me pass
out the rest of those flyers.
Take 'em to all the places
old high school
athletes hang out.
Hmm. You mean like... bars,
unemployment offices
and pie-eating contests?
Yes. And don't forget
freeway underpasses.
Tell them to bring candles
and a cheeseburger.
Anything else?
Yes. I want you to take
the keys to the handcuffs
out of my back pocket
so I'm not tempted.
Yeah, yeah. That's it.
Dad, you sure this protest
thing is gonna work?
Son, I'm not sure of a
lot of things in this life.
I'm not sure why I was born...
I'm not sure why
you were born and...
I'm also not sure of
why I felt a pair of breasts
on my back when you took
those keys out of my pocket.
But I am sure
that this will work.
Tonight, fueled by the flames
of ten thousand candles,
and several cheeseburgers,
I will be victorious!
I don't get it.
A great historical
landmark is about to fall
and no one turns out.
But let some moron hit
an ice skater in the knee,
and a million reporters show up!
Hi, Mr. Bundy.
Aaron! I knew I could count
on someone who
played for Polk High.
Well, I saw your flyers.
Good. Then Bud is doing his job.
He is if you told him to
stuff 'em in a trash can
about a block from here.
But all the guys from the
gym are talkin' about it.
Great. What are they sayin'?
They hear Haguar pays
15.40 an hour plus the medical.
They're really psyched.
Doesn't anybody care about
preserving our heritage?
Well, I thought sellin' out to the
highest bidder was our heritage.
Not when it's our field!
Why is no one here?
Wait a second.
I know what the problem is.
I just realized, I
chained myself
to the visitors
end of the field.
No one would ever
recognize me down here.
Don't they change
sides after halftime?
I never played after halftime!
We were always too far ahead.
Now, go get Bud and
bring the keys back here.
I wanna switch goal posts.
He doesn't have the
key. He gave it to me.
- Good. Give it here.
- Can't. I gave it to Kelly.
Why?
It was bright and
shiny and she liked it.
Go get her, bring her
back here, and hurry.
I have to go to the bathroom.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOh, what was I thinking?
Have a Big Gulp, then chain
\h\hmyself to the goal post.
Good move, Al.
Oh, no one's around.
\h\h\hMaybe if I...
Maybe if I hurry...
Hi, Daddy. Guess what?
My dreams of having a daughter
with her own insect car
have finally come true?
You guessed.
Anyway, it's called
the bug-mobile,
and the company said that I
could take it whenever I want.
That's great, sweetheart.
Could you unlock me now, please?
Wait. First.
Guess where I went today?
The Moon?
Better. The Chicago
Institute of Bugs and Vermin.
They have some of the rarest
and most dangerous bugs
in the world there.
Like, take these African
Ping Beetles here.
There's only six of
'em in the entire world.
It's a good thing, too, because
one bite from one of these babies
will nuke your entire
metabolic system.
Could you... back
the jar up a little bit.
Don't worry about it, Daddy.
I made sure before I took them
that I made the holes
too small for any...
Hmm...
What?
Did I say six? I
guess I meant five.
So, how was your day?
Oh, just a typical day.
Didn't sell any shoes,
didn't get to pee, you know.
So could you please
unlock me now?
Oh, no.
Don't get mad, okay?
But before I went to the museum,
I went down to
the railroad tracks
with some of my friends, and...
and they were putting
pennies on the tracks
and watching them get squished,
but I didn't do that,
because you told me
never to waste money.
But a key isn't money,
is it, sweetheart?
No!
Look...
It's kinda awesome when
you think about it, huh?
The pressure it took to do this.
Mm-hmm.
But how am I gonna
get out of here now?
I thought about that, too.
All we have to
do is take the lock,
put it on the tracks
and squish that, too,
and the key should fit.
I have a better
idea, sweetheart.
Since the lock is
attached to the goal post...
why don't you go down,
stand on the railroad tracks,
and try to get them to
bring the train over here?
Gotcha.
Oh, oh, Daddy, one more thing.
If you see a brown bug
with three sixes on its belly...
that's the African Ping.
It's very deadly.
So run for your life, okay? Bye.
Ah, well, one killer beetle
loose in a city this size.
What are my odds of gettin' bit?
I mean, even my luck
couldn't be that bad.
Ladies and gentlemen,
\h\h announcing your all-time,
all-pro America's dream team,
quarterback Joe Namath,
\h\hhalfback Jim Brown,
fullback Al Bundy!
Al Bundy! Al Bundy!
Al Bundy! Al...
Al Bundy! Al Bundy! Al Bundy!
Oh, Marcy.
Thank God it's you.
I thought the goal post
had grown unsightly stubble.
Y'know, I admire you, Al.
I didn't think
you'd last this long.
The ground breaking
is in a couple hours,
and a squirming shoe salesman
under a bulldozer will not
look good in the papers.
So we're prepared
to make you an offer.
An offer? You mean money?
Al Bundy is not for sale.
I'm not standing
here for myself alone,
but for every guy that
ever scored a touchdown.
Oh, look, a double
cheeseburger with fries.
For every dad that ever
took his kid to a game...
For every man that ever
married the wrong woman...
Is there bacon in there?
I don't even care if
those are curly fries.
Are they curly fries?
Never mind!
I stand fast.
If you wanna
build a factory here,
you'll have to build it over me.
All righty.
Plow him under!
I'll always have my memories.
What is the offer?
- This burger.
- Done.
Gee, Al, those insect
bites look pretty nasty.
In... insect bites?
Oh, thank God.
I thought they were hickeys
from that bum over there.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
Insofar as I'm moving
out of the neighborhood
and will never see you again,
I'll take you to the hospital.
- You'd do that for me?
- Sure.
But I just had my car
detailed, so climb in the trunk.
And in an ironic twist of fate,
it took the near death
\h\h\hof one protester,
slash women's shoe
salesman, Al Bundy,
\h\h to halt the construction
of the proposed Haguar plant
when it was determined that
the bites covering his body
\h\h were caused by the rare
and poisonous African Ping Beetle.
Though no one gave a damn
about Mr. Bundy's protest,
\h\h\h environmentalists
insist that Polk Field
must now be protected
\h since this useless
but endangered insect
has apparently established
\h\h\h\h\h\ha colony there.
I can't believe it.
How did these beetles get
here from Africa anyway?
Well, there's no way
they could escape
from the Institute
of Bugs and Vermin,
'cause... 'cause that
place is a fortress.
Plans for the Haguar factory
\h\h\h have officially
been moved to Canada
\h\h\h with a loss
to this community
of twenty-one thousand
jobs \hand millions of dollars.
\h\h\h\h\h\h The plant
would have benefited
every segment of the economy,
\hfrom housing to shoe sales.
Truly this is a story
\hwith no winners...
only losers.
Are you ready, boy?
Help me.
Here we go.
Isn't this great, Buck?
And you didn't wanna do it.
Yeah, this is great.
I look like Oprah after
she dropped the weight.
Hi, Peggy.
Now, I don't wanna rub this in
because you're poor
and married to Al,
which is, of
course, redundant...
But guess what? I'm rich!
Rich? Well... how'd you do that?
Maybe I could do it, too.
I worked for it.
Oh.
You see, Trans-Mexican Motors
has been looking for a
place to build their new car,
the Haguar GT...
And I found them
a piece of property
right next to Polk High School.
It is a $400 million deal,
and I get a finder's fee.
How much is that?
One point three million dollars.
Ha ha ha.
Plus a brand-new
Haguar for each of us.
Oh, but don't think this
is going to change us. No.
We'll still be the same
humble people we always were.
Just in a better part of town.
Oh, yeah. I forgot to tell you.
We're moving!
And we just came by to tell you
how sorry we are about leaving!
Oh, Jefferson!
This is the happiest
day of my life!
Isn't this a great country?
This country sucks, Peg!
And I'll tell you why.
We're givin' it away
faster than we can
take it from other people.
I was driving by
Polk High today...
to catch a glimpse
of the scoreboard,
which once
proclaimed my glory...
and fight with the
homeless for nickels...
and guess what sign I
saw on the school fence?
"Life 50, Al zero"?
Hey, Marcy, I see they
drink a lot at Zippy Cuts...
The sign said,
"Future home of the Haguar,"
which means, Peg,
that they will be
building automobiles
on the football field where
I scored four touchdowns
in a single game.
Where pert cheerleaders
in stuffed bras
and short mini-skirts
used to sing, "One,
two, four, three,
give the ball to Al Bundy."
This is madness I say!
How could this have happened?
Two town meetings,
a suitcase full
of unmarked bills
and it's pretty
much a done deal.
- You were involved?
- I was.
Well, you're not going
to get away with this.
If it's a war you want,
it's a war you'll get.
But you and your
fellow Hag-whites
should know one thing...
Al is the first word
in Al-a-mo.
Al... we lost the Alamo.
Oh, Peg, nobody remembers that!
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h Hi.
Verminator here again.
Now, a few of you viewers
\hhave expressed concern
over alleged side effects
\hof our new bug poison,
Springtime in Baghdad,
\h\h\hnow with pepsin.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h Well,
I'm here to tell you
that these allegations
\hof genetic mutations
are completely false.
\h\h\h And to prove it,
my brother Bud here...
who I love like a brother,
\h\h\h\h\h has graciously
volunteered to be sprayed
directly in the kisser
\h\h\hwith this stuff.
Are you ready, Bud?
I'll kill you!
See? He can't wait.
Let's do it.
You were great, Bud.
People are gonna recognize
you wherever you go.
C'mon, Ma, tell the truth.
You think these'll
turn girls off?
Oh, come on, honey.
Don't let a little thing like a
couple of breasts get you down.
It's not like they're permanent.
I mean, it's been a whole week,
and look how much
better Buck is getting.
I sure hope this crap wears
off before Thanksgiving.
Maybe you're right, Ma.
I'll just hide for a while.
It's not like I had
any plans this week.
Hi, Bud.
It's me, Sasha.
The girl you've wanted
every day and night of your life
since the first grade.
Well, I'm about
to enter a convent,
and I wanted to
be with a real man
for my first, last
and only time.
Take me, Bud.
Take me now!
You caught me at a bad time.
Good-bye.
Where're you goin'?
To cop a feel, then kill myself.
Hey, Mom. Bud still have boobs?
Ah, then I'll be
sleeping at Cindy's.
Where's Dad?
Oh, he's down at the
City Council meeting.
You know, he's really steamed
about them paving
over his football field.
Argh, I just hope
he doesn't make a
testicle out of himself.
You mean spectacle, honey.
No, I mean testicle.
I'm used to the spectacle thing.
Well, let's just hope that if he's
gonna make a fool of himself,
at least he'll do it in the
privacy of his own home.
And on the lighter,
more pitiful side \h\hof the news,
\h\h\h\h\h self-proclaimed
football legend Al Bundy
is leading a protest
\h\h against the proposed
Trans-Mexican auto plant
by handcuffing himself
\h\h\h\hto a goal post
on his old high school
\h\h\h\hplaying field.
\h He has vowed to
stay chained to this post...
until the project \h\h\h\h\h\his moved
\h\h\h or, quote, "Marcy has lips."
What a testicle.
Bud, I'm glad you're here
to share my moment of triumph.
Well... you got someone
workin' crowd control, Dad?
These things take time, son.
You think people
came when Paul Revere
rode nude through the town
yelling "The Beatles
are coming"? No.
He had to chain himself
to the old North wind
and throw up in
the harbor first.
But like old Paul...
you'll be readin'
about me some day.
Yeah, once Time-Life comes
out with the Great Idiot series.
Huh?
Anyway... I just came over
'cause Mom was wondering
if you wanted any food.
Di-did you bring me something?
No. She was just wondering.
Well, you tell your mother
that my stomach
is full of pride.
Pride and the bologna sandwich
I ate a couple of weeks ago.
By the way, it's warm out
here tonight. Why the coat?
I was just comin'
down with something.
- Chest cold?
- No.
No... this coat just
makes 'em sensitive.
Well, anyway, son,
I'm glad you're here.
I want you to help me pass
out the rest of those flyers.
Take 'em to all the places
old high school
athletes hang out.
Hmm. You mean like... bars,
unemployment offices
and pie-eating contests?
Yes. And don't forget
freeway underpasses.
Tell them to bring candles
and a cheeseburger.
Anything else?
Yes. I want you to take
the keys to the handcuffs
out of my back pocket
so I'm not tempted.
Yeah, yeah. That's it.
Dad, you sure this protest
thing is gonna work?
Son, I'm not sure of a
lot of things in this life.
I'm not sure why I was born...
I'm not sure why
you were born and...
I'm also not sure of
why I felt a pair of breasts
on my back when you took
those keys out of my pocket.
But I am sure
that this will work.
Tonight, fueled by the flames
of ten thousand candles,
and several cheeseburgers,
I will be victorious!
I don't get it.
A great historical
landmark is about to fall
and no one turns out.
But let some moron hit
an ice skater in the knee,
and a million reporters show up!
Hi, Mr. Bundy.
Aaron! I knew I could count
on someone who
played for Polk High.
Well, I saw your flyers.
Good. Then Bud is doing his job.
He is if you told him to
stuff 'em in a trash can
about a block from here.
But all the guys from the
gym are talkin' about it.
Great. What are they sayin'?
They hear Haguar pays
15.40 an hour plus the medical.
They're really psyched.
Doesn't anybody care about
preserving our heritage?
Well, I thought sellin' out to the
highest bidder was our heritage.
Not when it's our field!
Why is no one here?
Wait a second.
I know what the problem is.
I just realized, I
chained myself
to the visitors
end of the field.
No one would ever
recognize me down here.
Don't they change
sides after halftime?
I never played after halftime!
We were always too far ahead.
Now, go get Bud and
bring the keys back here.
I wanna switch goal posts.
He doesn't have the
key. He gave it to me.
- Good. Give it here.
- Can't. I gave it to Kelly.
Why?
It was bright and
shiny and she liked it.
Go get her, bring her
back here, and hurry.
I have to go to the bathroom.
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOh, what was I thinking?
Have a Big Gulp, then chain
\h\hmyself to the goal post.
Good move, Al.
Oh, no one's around.
\h\h\hMaybe if I...
Maybe if I hurry...
Hi, Daddy. Guess what?
My dreams of having a daughter
with her own insect car
have finally come true?
You guessed.
Anyway, it's called
the bug-mobile,
and the company said that I
could take it whenever I want.
That's great, sweetheart.
Could you unlock me now, please?
Wait. First.
Guess where I went today?
The Moon?
Better. The Chicago
Institute of Bugs and Vermin.
They have some of the rarest
and most dangerous bugs
in the world there.
Like, take these African
Ping Beetles here.
There's only six of
'em in the entire world.
It's a good thing, too, because
one bite from one of these babies
will nuke your entire
metabolic system.
Could you... back
the jar up a little bit.
Don't worry about it, Daddy.
I made sure before I took them
that I made the holes
too small for any...
Hmm...
What?
Did I say six? I
guess I meant five.
So, how was your day?
Oh, just a typical day.
Didn't sell any shoes,
didn't get to pee, you know.
So could you please
unlock me now?
Oh, no.
Don't get mad, okay?
But before I went to the museum,
I went down to
the railroad tracks
with some of my friends, and...
and they were putting
pennies on the tracks
and watching them get squished,
but I didn't do that,
because you told me
never to waste money.
But a key isn't money,
is it, sweetheart?
No!
Look...
It's kinda awesome when
you think about it, huh?
The pressure it took to do this.
Mm-hmm.
But how am I gonna
get out of here now?
I thought about that, too.
All we have to
do is take the lock,
put it on the tracks
and squish that, too,
and the key should fit.
I have a better
idea, sweetheart.
Since the lock is
attached to the goal post...
why don't you go down,
stand on the railroad tracks,
and try to get them to
bring the train over here?
Gotcha.
Oh, oh, Daddy, one more thing.
If you see a brown bug
with three sixes on its belly...
that's the African Ping.
It's very deadly.
So run for your life, okay? Bye.
Ah, well, one killer beetle
loose in a city this size.
What are my odds of gettin' bit?
I mean, even my luck
couldn't be that bad.
Ladies and gentlemen,
\h\h announcing your all-time,
all-pro America's dream team,
quarterback Joe Namath,
\h\hhalfback Jim Brown,
fullback Al Bundy!
Al Bundy! Al Bundy!
Al Bundy! Al...
Al Bundy! Al Bundy! Al Bundy!
Oh, Marcy.
Thank God it's you.
I thought the goal post
had grown unsightly stubble.
Y'know, I admire you, Al.
I didn't think
you'd last this long.
The ground breaking
is in a couple hours,
and a squirming shoe salesman
under a bulldozer will not
look good in the papers.
So we're prepared
to make you an offer.
An offer? You mean money?
Al Bundy is not for sale.
I'm not standing
here for myself alone,
but for every guy that
ever scored a touchdown.
Oh, look, a double
cheeseburger with fries.
For every dad that ever
took his kid to a game...
For every man that ever
married the wrong woman...
Is there bacon in there?
I don't even care if
those are curly fries.
Are they curly fries?
Never mind!
I stand fast.
If you wanna
build a factory here,
you'll have to build it over me.
All righty.
Plow him under!
I'll always have my memories.
What is the offer?
- This burger.
- Done.
Gee, Al, those insect
bites look pretty nasty.
In... insect bites?
Oh, thank God.
I thought they were hickeys
from that bum over there.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
Insofar as I'm moving
out of the neighborhood
and will never see you again,
I'll take you to the hospital.
- You'd do that for me?
- Sure.
But I just had my car
detailed, so climb in the trunk.
And in an ironic twist of fate,
it took the near death
\h\h\hof one protester,
slash women's shoe
salesman, Al Bundy,
\h\h to halt the construction
of the proposed Haguar plant
when it was determined that
the bites covering his body
\h\h were caused by the rare
and poisonous African Ping Beetle.
Though no one gave a damn
about Mr. Bundy's protest,
\h\h\h environmentalists
insist that Polk Field
must now be protected
\h since this useless
but endangered insect
has apparently established
\h\h\h\h\h\ha colony there.
I can't believe it.
How did these beetles get
here from Africa anyway?
Well, there's no way
they could escape
from the Institute
of Bugs and Vermin,
'cause... 'cause that
place is a fortress.
Plans for the Haguar factory
\h\h\h have officially
been moved to Canada
\h\h\h with a loss
to this community
of twenty-one thousand
jobs \hand millions of dollars.
\h\h\h\h\h\h The plant
would have benefited
every segment of the economy,
\hfrom housing to shoe sales.
Truly this is a story
\hwith no winners...
only losers.