Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 8, Episode 18 - Get Outta Dodge - full transcript
When Al decides to sell his old car, the people at the Dodge Corporation inform him that if he can get his Dodge's odometer up to all 9's, the car will take part in a commercial, breaking the 1,000,000 miles and Al will be awarded a brand Dodge Viper. But can Al and his Dodge survive 24 hours until the film crew can arrive? Meanwhile, Bud sends the dim-witted Kelly out to find "Waldo."
Well... here we are, my dear.
Casa de Bundy.
Otherwise known as
home of the Whopper.
I don't know, Bud.
What if your parents come in?
Relax, babe.
They're in Milwaukee.
It's the first stop on
Oprah's Fatapalooza tour.
They're displaying the weight
she lost in giant glass jars.
Many giant glass jars.
They're taking the Dodge.
It's actually his Dodgenstein,
made from the parts
of other dead Dodges.
Now...
Now... what say me and you
slip out of these dry clothes
and into a wet me and you.
But what if your
sister comes in?
I wouldn't worry about her.
I've given her a little task.
Waldo?
Okay.
He's not in the garage,
that much we know.
You just keep lookin', Kell.
You're doin' a great job.
I know. Maybe he's upstairs.
Maybe so, maybe no.
That's what makes finding
Waldo such a great game.
Yeah, well, he can
run, but he can't hide,
'cause no one can outsmart me
once I start using
the old gray mattress.
That's my sister Kelly.
She's very special.
Now, where were we?
I'm scared, Bud.
I mean, you don't know
how strict my dad is.
Last time I got
caught like this,
I was grounded for six months,
and the team couldn't
go to the Rose Bowl.
We can't get caught.
Come here.
Listen.
Why don't we put
those pretty little lips
to something
more useful like me.
Lisa Pruner.
I am telling your father.
Can't get caught, huh?
Aah.
♪ I'm just a lonely boy ♪
♪ Lonely and blue ♪
Women.
Can't live with 'em.
The end.
What happened to the tour?
Well, your father
hit a speed bump
and the Dodge couldn't
make it to the top.
It was awful, Bud.
We rolled backwards,
uncontrollably,
sometimes reaching speeds
upwards of two miles an hour.
Fortunately, we were
jolted to a halt by an ant hill,
which survived the impact.
Ya know, Peg,
I'm startin' to sense
you're not too
fond of the Dodge.
No, Al.
I'm not too fond of
war and injustice.
I freakin' hate the Dodge.
Now, look.
I know I've said this before,
but this time I'm serious.
I want you to sell that car.
Sell the Dodge?
My Dodge?
I will never sell
the Dodge, Peg.
That car is tied up with some of
the greatest memories of my life.
Why, who can forget
the tailgate party
before the Bears
championship game?
Oh, the game we missed
because the engine caught on fire?
Okay, well, how about
that Christmas at the lake?
You mean Christmas in the lake.
When the brakes failed.
Fine.
Well, how did you get to the
hospital when Bud was born?
Taxi.
And why?
Because I drove to the
pool hall in the Dodge.
Daddy, I need your help.
Listen, I'm hot on the trail
of this weird guy named Waldo.
Have you seen him?
She's gonna be with
us till we die, you know.
She's not important
right now, Al.
Now, look.
What is wrong with
getting a slightly newer car?
I hear they're coming with all
these new fancy options these days.
You know, like
dashboards and paint.
Just more things to go wrong.
Now listen to me, Peg.
You can nag, you can cry,
you can whinny, bleat and moo,
but I will never sell the Dodge.
You're finally selling
the Dodge, huh?
Yeah, it's like giving up
one of your children, but...
none of the joy.
Well, for my money,
you still can't beat a
European sports car.
Marcy and I are nuts about ours.
Rack and pinion
steering, four wheel,
independent suspension,
and 310 of the sexiest Euro-ponies
that ever hurdled a Yankee
from zero to 60 in
under five seconds.
Oh, man, what a car!
Where is it?
It's in the shop.
- Still.
- Hmm.
Jefferson, you've had
the car five months.
It hasn't been off the rack
yet. What's wrong with it?
Well, they don't know, but it's
something very sophisticated,
very expensive
and... very, very Euro.
I'm tellin' ya, I'm on top
of the world with that car.
You can ask anybody on
the bus how happy I am.
So... how's your ad comin'?
Done. Here.
"Used car of indeterminate year.
"Forced to sell by used wife.
Also of indeterminate year."
$4,000?
What?
You don't think I
can get $4,000?
I don't think you
could get dollars.
Jefferson, let me
tell you something...
Waldo?
Waldo?
Let me tell you something.
I'm a salesman;
consequently, I know sales.
When this ad hits
the papers, baby,
they'll be lined up
around the block.
Trust me.
Hi... We're a couple of winos.
We don't want to
drink and drive...
So we wanna buy a Dodge.
Here's... here's your 40 bucks.
- Forty?
- Huh.
It was supposed to say 4,000.
Hey, we're not that drunk.
Does your trunk leak?
We have no time to haggle.
We want car and
directions to Sears Tower.
Here's $40.
Hi, I'm looking
for a guy named...
Daddy!
Oh, boy, I thought this
house looked familiar.
Dodge.
American motor car. Ha ha ha ha.
This is going well.
You know what the
problem is, don't ya?
Sure. The blind don't drive.
Too bad the mute don't marry.
Mr. Bundy, I'm Bill Ellis
from the Dodge Corporation.
We just need to verify a
couple of things about your ad.
Oh, listen, I know
what you're gonna say,
but it wasn't my fault.
I clearly told them.
Seat, comma, then belts.
Oh... that's not important.
I didn't think so either.
Come on in.
Hello, ma'am.
Is it true she's gone
over 999,000 miles?
He means the
car, you wildebeest.
I'll get right to the
point, Mr. Bundy.
Congratulations.
It's not every day that a
Dodge reaches a million miles.
This is something
very special to us.
You, Mr. Bundy,
are very special to us,
and we want to be there
on that momentous occasion
when your odometer
reads all zeros.
You mean, you want
us to be in a commercial?
Yes.
Oh, fine.
A lot of free
publicity for you guys,
but... what's in it for us?
A 1994 Dodge Viper.
Now let me get this straight.
When my Dodge goes
over a million miles,
you give me that car?
Well, first we want
to film your car
crossing the
one-million mile mark,
but after that, Mr. Bundy,
the Viper is yours.
Oh, Peg, I'm so happy,
I... I could shake your hand.
Al, it only has two seats.
What about the kids?
It's got a trunk.
Oh, Bill, speaking of family,
who's gonna play my young
blond wife in the commercial?
Hey, what about me?!
Well, you don't play
my wife in real life.
Besides, you hated the Dodge.
I did not!
Weren't you the one that got me
the license plate
holder that said
"I'd rather be driving"?
Well, that just shows you
how close I am to the Dodge.
We kid like that all the time.
Oh, no, Peg. You
laughed at the Dodge.
You mocked the Dodge.
She shot the Dodge,
but she didn't shoot the deputy.
What does that mean?
I don't know, Peg.
I'm just babbling like this
'cause I'm staring
at her cleavage.
Peggy, what's going on?
Al has been driving
up and down the
street for 12 hours.
Well, the Dodge people told him
that when his odometer
hit all nines to call them,
and they'd send
out a camera crew.
So, much like in bed,
Al wants to get it over
with as quickly as possible.
Well, I still say
a foreign car is the way to go.
You've gotta see the new
pictures they sent of ours.
Here's the diagnostic
crew waving at us,
in front of the big box
they're gonna send
it back to Stuttgart in.
I did it, Peg.
Nine hundred
ninety-nine thousand,
nine hundred and
ninety-nine and nine tenths.
The Dodge is ready
for the commercial now.
I even backed it
into the garage.
Think of it, Peg.
Tomorrow I will drive out
Al Bundy, old Dodge owner,
and drive back in
Al Bundy, Viper Man!
Yeah, but the bottom line
is you'll still be Al Bundy.
Tragic, isn't it?
Marcy, I didn't see you come in.
Pull up an egg, I'll be
with you in a few minutes.
Al Bundy here.
The mighty Dodge
is at all nines.
Great. See you in the morning.
And now, to bask in
the joys of anticipation.
Sweeter, some say,
than the actual cash.
You're so calm.
I mean, if it were my Dodge,
I'd be worried that
lightning was gonna strike it,
or a tree was gonna fall on it
even before the camera
crew could get here.
I wouldn't be able
to sleep a wink.
And here you've
got 12 hours to go
and you're not even nervous.
That's the difference
between you and me, Marcy.
I'm not the worrying kind.
That, and if I do this...
It appears that I have breasts.
You don't need to do that.
Hey, Al.
What're you doin'?
Ah, that damn Marcy.
She got me so worried
something's gonna happen to the car,
I can't sleep.
Well, I know what
would help you sleep.
Thanks, Peg, now I can't eat!
This is going well.
I'm surprised you
haven't called the police.
Someone call the police?
We got a call about a shooting.
Yes, I did, but I lied.
See, I... I need someone
to guard the Dodge,
and a cop is cheaper
than a Doberman.
Excuse me, I may need
both hands to pound
this guy into hash.
But if you ever take a
shot at my partner again,
you're goin' in.
Gotcha.
But you don't understand.
I got a terrible feeling
something's gonna
happen to my Dodge.
Al, how long have I known you?
What... seven, eight years?
I've arrested you... what?
Eleven, twelve times?
You're a load in my
pants, you know that, Al?
No one wants your crummy car.
No one even believes
this house is occupied.
Now, either go to bed,
or let me blow you
away so I can go to bed.
On second thought, I gotta go.
I mighta left something
at the donut shop.
Hold it.
Never mind.
Dad, it's 2:00 in the morning.
I gotta take some
tests tomorrow.
Yeah, Dad, I gotta
go to the doctor's, too.
Uh, kids, or should I say,
lackeys of the red devil?
I need your help. The
Dodge is in trouble.
So, who hasn't been?
Come, my children...
and Kelly, to the garage.
We'll guard the Dodge.
We proud Bundy's three
will guard against those
who will pillage and plunder
and joyride in the Dodge.
Do we get to drive the Viper?
No.
Why should we help you
guard the Dodge then?
Because we're family, damn it!
So are the Jacksons. Good night.
Fine.
I'll guard the Dodge myself.
Four hours.
I can do that.
First I'll open the garage door.
Let a little fresh air in...
Or out.
Nothing like a little music
to help pass the time.
♪ And that's when my hound dog ♪
♪ Started lookin' good to me ♪
Ah, who was the genius that
let West Virginia become a state?
Okay, no problem.
I'll just entertain myself
with one of my many
challenging hobbies.
Marlon Brando.
Alfred Hitchcock.
Elvis.
Refrigerator Perry.
Elizabeth Taylor.
6:00 a.m.
I did it! I beat the night!
They'll be here pretty soon.
I'll never have to work again.
I'll just drive my Viper.
I'll drive it here and there...
to and fro... out and about.
And to my millions of fans,
I'll be known as Le Grande Vipe.
I'll be famous.
I'll fight crime,
if it doesn't
scratch... the paint.
Oh, and he was so
close. What happened?
Well, he fell asleep,
and then the Dodge
rolled out of the driveway.
So now the odometer
reads zero, zero, zero,
zero, zero, zero
and nine-tenths...
which means no
commercial and no new car.
Well, how did he finally stop?
Well, luckily...
there was a brand-new
foreign car parked outside...
which had finally been
fixed, but never driven.
Well, it's good to get
that first broadside
out of the way.
But he still made it over
a million miles though.
I mean, aren't they
gonna give him anything?
Well, yeah.
They gave him a car
phone as a consolation prize.
And you know, there's one
thing you have to say about Al.
He is determined not to let
this little setback beat him.
Hello, Al?
Is that you?
Hello, Peg.
I'm here in Burnt
Scrotum, New Mexico.
And guess what.
I'm over a thousand miles, babe.
I'm gonna drive till
I hit another million.
And then you'll be home, Al?
Then I'll be home, and
the Viper will be mine.
Do you hear me?!
Mine, I tell ya!
Mine! Mine!
Casa de Bundy.
Otherwise known as
home of the Whopper.
I don't know, Bud.
What if your parents come in?
Relax, babe.
They're in Milwaukee.
It's the first stop on
Oprah's Fatapalooza tour.
They're displaying the weight
she lost in giant glass jars.
Many giant glass jars.
They're taking the Dodge.
It's actually his Dodgenstein,
made from the parts
of other dead Dodges.
Now...
Now... what say me and you
slip out of these dry clothes
and into a wet me and you.
But what if your
sister comes in?
I wouldn't worry about her.
I've given her a little task.
Waldo?
Okay.
He's not in the garage,
that much we know.
You just keep lookin', Kell.
You're doin' a great job.
I know. Maybe he's upstairs.
Maybe so, maybe no.
That's what makes finding
Waldo such a great game.
Yeah, well, he can
run, but he can't hide,
'cause no one can outsmart me
once I start using
the old gray mattress.
That's my sister Kelly.
She's very special.
Now, where were we?
I'm scared, Bud.
I mean, you don't know
how strict my dad is.
Last time I got
caught like this,
I was grounded for six months,
and the team couldn't
go to the Rose Bowl.
We can't get caught.
Come here.
Listen.
Why don't we put
those pretty little lips
to something
more useful like me.
Lisa Pruner.
I am telling your father.
Can't get caught, huh?
Aah.
♪ I'm just a lonely boy ♪
♪ Lonely and blue ♪
Women.
Can't live with 'em.
The end.
What happened to the tour?
Well, your father
hit a speed bump
and the Dodge couldn't
make it to the top.
It was awful, Bud.
We rolled backwards,
uncontrollably,
sometimes reaching speeds
upwards of two miles an hour.
Fortunately, we were
jolted to a halt by an ant hill,
which survived the impact.
Ya know, Peg,
I'm startin' to sense
you're not too
fond of the Dodge.
No, Al.
I'm not too fond of
war and injustice.
I freakin' hate the Dodge.
Now, look.
I know I've said this before,
but this time I'm serious.
I want you to sell that car.
Sell the Dodge?
My Dodge?
I will never sell
the Dodge, Peg.
That car is tied up with some of
the greatest memories of my life.
Why, who can forget
the tailgate party
before the Bears
championship game?
Oh, the game we missed
because the engine caught on fire?
Okay, well, how about
that Christmas at the lake?
You mean Christmas in the lake.
When the brakes failed.
Fine.
Well, how did you get to the
hospital when Bud was born?
Taxi.
And why?
Because I drove to the
pool hall in the Dodge.
Daddy, I need your help.
Listen, I'm hot on the trail
of this weird guy named Waldo.
Have you seen him?
She's gonna be with
us till we die, you know.
She's not important
right now, Al.
Now, look.
What is wrong with
getting a slightly newer car?
I hear they're coming with all
these new fancy options these days.
You know, like
dashboards and paint.
Just more things to go wrong.
Now listen to me, Peg.
You can nag, you can cry,
you can whinny, bleat and moo,
but I will never sell the Dodge.
You're finally selling
the Dodge, huh?
Yeah, it's like giving up
one of your children, but...
none of the joy.
Well, for my money,
you still can't beat a
European sports car.
Marcy and I are nuts about ours.
Rack and pinion
steering, four wheel,
independent suspension,
and 310 of the sexiest Euro-ponies
that ever hurdled a Yankee
from zero to 60 in
under five seconds.
Oh, man, what a car!
Where is it?
It's in the shop.
- Still.
- Hmm.
Jefferson, you've had
the car five months.
It hasn't been off the rack
yet. What's wrong with it?
Well, they don't know, but it's
something very sophisticated,
very expensive
and... very, very Euro.
I'm tellin' ya, I'm on top
of the world with that car.
You can ask anybody on
the bus how happy I am.
So... how's your ad comin'?
Done. Here.
"Used car of indeterminate year.
"Forced to sell by used wife.
Also of indeterminate year."
$4,000?
What?
You don't think I
can get $4,000?
I don't think you
could get dollars.
Jefferson, let me
tell you something...
Waldo?
Waldo?
Let me tell you something.
I'm a salesman;
consequently, I know sales.
When this ad hits
the papers, baby,
they'll be lined up
around the block.
Trust me.
Hi... We're a couple of winos.
We don't want to
drink and drive...
So we wanna buy a Dodge.
Here's... here's your 40 bucks.
- Forty?
- Huh.
It was supposed to say 4,000.
Hey, we're not that drunk.
Does your trunk leak?
We have no time to haggle.
We want car and
directions to Sears Tower.
Here's $40.
Hi, I'm looking
for a guy named...
Daddy!
Oh, boy, I thought this
house looked familiar.
Dodge.
American motor car. Ha ha ha ha.
This is going well.
You know what the
problem is, don't ya?
Sure. The blind don't drive.
Too bad the mute don't marry.
Mr. Bundy, I'm Bill Ellis
from the Dodge Corporation.
We just need to verify a
couple of things about your ad.
Oh, listen, I know
what you're gonna say,
but it wasn't my fault.
I clearly told them.
Seat, comma, then belts.
Oh... that's not important.
I didn't think so either.
Come on in.
Hello, ma'am.
Is it true she's gone
over 999,000 miles?
He means the
car, you wildebeest.
I'll get right to the
point, Mr. Bundy.
Congratulations.
It's not every day that a
Dodge reaches a million miles.
This is something
very special to us.
You, Mr. Bundy,
are very special to us,
and we want to be there
on that momentous occasion
when your odometer
reads all zeros.
You mean, you want
us to be in a commercial?
Yes.
Oh, fine.
A lot of free
publicity for you guys,
but... what's in it for us?
A 1994 Dodge Viper.
Now let me get this straight.
When my Dodge goes
over a million miles,
you give me that car?
Well, first we want
to film your car
crossing the
one-million mile mark,
but after that, Mr. Bundy,
the Viper is yours.
Oh, Peg, I'm so happy,
I... I could shake your hand.
Al, it only has two seats.
What about the kids?
It's got a trunk.
Oh, Bill, speaking of family,
who's gonna play my young
blond wife in the commercial?
Hey, what about me?!
Well, you don't play
my wife in real life.
Besides, you hated the Dodge.
I did not!
Weren't you the one that got me
the license plate
holder that said
"I'd rather be driving"?
Well, that just shows you
how close I am to the Dodge.
We kid like that all the time.
Oh, no, Peg. You
laughed at the Dodge.
You mocked the Dodge.
She shot the Dodge,
but she didn't shoot the deputy.
What does that mean?
I don't know, Peg.
I'm just babbling like this
'cause I'm staring
at her cleavage.
Peggy, what's going on?
Al has been driving
up and down the
street for 12 hours.
Well, the Dodge people told him
that when his odometer
hit all nines to call them,
and they'd send
out a camera crew.
So, much like in bed,
Al wants to get it over
with as quickly as possible.
Well, I still say
a foreign car is the way to go.
You've gotta see the new
pictures they sent of ours.
Here's the diagnostic
crew waving at us,
in front of the big box
they're gonna send
it back to Stuttgart in.
I did it, Peg.
Nine hundred
ninety-nine thousand,
nine hundred and
ninety-nine and nine tenths.
The Dodge is ready
for the commercial now.
I even backed it
into the garage.
Think of it, Peg.
Tomorrow I will drive out
Al Bundy, old Dodge owner,
and drive back in
Al Bundy, Viper Man!
Yeah, but the bottom line
is you'll still be Al Bundy.
Tragic, isn't it?
Marcy, I didn't see you come in.
Pull up an egg, I'll be
with you in a few minutes.
Al Bundy here.
The mighty Dodge
is at all nines.
Great. See you in the morning.
And now, to bask in
the joys of anticipation.
Sweeter, some say,
than the actual cash.
You're so calm.
I mean, if it were my Dodge,
I'd be worried that
lightning was gonna strike it,
or a tree was gonna fall on it
even before the camera
crew could get here.
I wouldn't be able
to sleep a wink.
And here you've
got 12 hours to go
and you're not even nervous.
That's the difference
between you and me, Marcy.
I'm not the worrying kind.
That, and if I do this...
It appears that I have breasts.
You don't need to do that.
Hey, Al.
What're you doin'?
Ah, that damn Marcy.
She got me so worried
something's gonna happen to the car,
I can't sleep.
Well, I know what
would help you sleep.
Thanks, Peg, now I can't eat!
This is going well.
I'm surprised you
haven't called the police.
Someone call the police?
We got a call about a shooting.
Yes, I did, but I lied.
See, I... I need someone
to guard the Dodge,
and a cop is cheaper
than a Doberman.
Excuse me, I may need
both hands to pound
this guy into hash.
But if you ever take a
shot at my partner again,
you're goin' in.
Gotcha.
But you don't understand.
I got a terrible feeling
something's gonna
happen to my Dodge.
Al, how long have I known you?
What... seven, eight years?
I've arrested you... what?
Eleven, twelve times?
You're a load in my
pants, you know that, Al?
No one wants your crummy car.
No one even believes
this house is occupied.
Now, either go to bed,
or let me blow you
away so I can go to bed.
On second thought, I gotta go.
I mighta left something
at the donut shop.
Hold it.
Never mind.
Dad, it's 2:00 in the morning.
I gotta take some
tests tomorrow.
Yeah, Dad, I gotta
go to the doctor's, too.
Uh, kids, or should I say,
lackeys of the red devil?
I need your help. The
Dodge is in trouble.
So, who hasn't been?
Come, my children...
and Kelly, to the garage.
We'll guard the Dodge.
We proud Bundy's three
will guard against those
who will pillage and plunder
and joyride in the Dodge.
Do we get to drive the Viper?
No.
Why should we help you
guard the Dodge then?
Because we're family, damn it!
So are the Jacksons. Good night.
Fine.
I'll guard the Dodge myself.
Four hours.
I can do that.
First I'll open the garage door.
Let a little fresh air in...
Or out.
Nothing like a little music
to help pass the time.
♪ And that's when my hound dog ♪
♪ Started lookin' good to me ♪
Ah, who was the genius that
let West Virginia become a state?
Okay, no problem.
I'll just entertain myself
with one of my many
challenging hobbies.
Marlon Brando.
Alfred Hitchcock.
Elvis.
Refrigerator Perry.
Elizabeth Taylor.
6:00 a.m.
I did it! I beat the night!
They'll be here pretty soon.
I'll never have to work again.
I'll just drive my Viper.
I'll drive it here and there...
to and fro... out and about.
And to my millions of fans,
I'll be known as Le Grande Vipe.
I'll be famous.
I'll fight crime,
if it doesn't
scratch... the paint.
Oh, and he was so
close. What happened?
Well, he fell asleep,
and then the Dodge
rolled out of the driveway.
So now the odometer
reads zero, zero, zero,
zero, zero, zero
and nine-tenths...
which means no
commercial and no new car.
Well, how did he finally stop?
Well, luckily...
there was a brand-new
foreign car parked outside...
which had finally been
fixed, but never driven.
Well, it's good to get
that first broadside
out of the way.
But he still made it over
a million miles though.
I mean, aren't they
gonna give him anything?
Well, yeah.
They gave him a car
phone as a consolation prize.
And you know, there's one
thing you have to say about Al.
He is determined not to let
this little setback beat him.
Hello, Al?
Is that you?
Hello, Peg.
I'm here in Burnt
Scrotum, New Mexico.
And guess what.
I'm over a thousand miles, babe.
I'm gonna drive till
I hit another million.
And then you'll be home, Al?
Then I'll be home, and
the Viper will be mine.
Do you hear me?!
Mine, I tell ya!
Mine! Mine!