Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 8, Episode 14 - Sofa So Good - full transcript

Hello, Naomi?

Count your lucky stars, babe.

Bud Bundy's in the house.

Bud Bundy.

We met at the frat
party last weekend.

I was the one who
found your underwear.

On the ceiling, right.

Say, listen, uh,

seems I have a
last-minute cancellation

in my social calendar
any night of the week

and, uh...



well, I was wondering
if you'd like...

You would? This Saturday night?

Okay, Al, I'm ready.

Uh, listen, Naomi,

I'm gonna call you right
back with the address, okay?

My ma... sseuse is just leaving.

Let's go, Al.

Ohh, feeling any better, Bud?

Is that you, Ma?

Oh, I just feel awful that
you and Kelly got sick

and can't come with
us to my family reunion.

And I really hate to
leave you in this condition.

After all, I wouldn't want
people to think I'm an unfit parent.

Let me see this.



98.6... Is that good?

Nope.

Oh, maybe I really
should stay home.

I hate to miss out on
the festivities, though.

This year they're
gonna celebrate

the first annual Wenker
County Olympic games.

Damn this fever.

You and Dad have a
tire-hugging good time.

Oh, we will.

Bye, Buck. Bye, house.

Bye, couch.

Oh, boy.

Let's go, Al.

Oh, Peg, do I have to?

Yes.

As the only non-blood
relative invited,

they're counting on you
to officiate the Olympics.

Now, let's go before we miss

the ceremonial
lighting of cousin Jeb.

Oh... all right.

Have we got everything?

The water purification tablets?

Check.

The meat-fish-grain
purification tablets?

Check.

The Wenker translation book?

You know, English to gibberish.

Check.

Dad, you want me to
take the bag to the car?

No. She can walk.

Listen, son, by the way,

if you don't hear from
me at least once a day,

then Aunt Skeeter
probably violated parole

and baked me
into one of her pies.

In which case, call 911,

or as they say in Wenker county,

nine hundred-eleven.

Hey, Bud, guess what?

Damn this fever.

When will it end?

Oh, poor thing.

Hey, Peg, I think I'm
coming down with something.

Yes.

You're coming down
with me to Wenker county.

- Ah!
- Bags.

Get the bags. Let's move.

Well, they're gone.

For a whole week.

And guess what, Kell.

Next Saturday night,

I got a shot at a babe who
hasn't used the word no

since the last time someone asked
her if she ever used the word no.

Well, what if I said

that I needed the house
next Saturday night?

What if you said
you were on fire?

I mean, either way, it
means nothing to me.

Well, then you're gonna have to
be the one to tell the little children

that they'll never
learn to read.

Kell, there's nothing you
can say to me right now that...

Tell what little children
they'll never learn to read?

Well, you know that
anti-illiteracy campaign

that I've been so active in?

No.

That's the one.

You see, Budrick,

these kids look at
me as the Verminator,

and all they see is
glamour and bright lights,

and deadly poison, but...

I'm more than just a
sexy chick who kills bugs.

I'm a role model.

So I volunteered to shoot a
public service announcement

in the house to
encourage them to read.

But, Kell, you can't read.

Yeah, well, you can't score,
but you still have a bed.

Anyway, I just
thought that it was time

that I gave something
back to the community.

Well, judging by the lines at
the free clinic, you already have.

You know, that's the sort of crack
that would make the old Kelly call you

a rubber-loving Barbie thumper.

But that's the old Kelly.

The new Kelly is
simply gonna ask you

to let me have the
house next Saturday night

so I can show these poor kids

the beauty of The
Little Engine That Could.

Oh, I loved The Little
Engine That Could.

Yeah, we all did, Bud,

but some of us have moved on.

"Puff, puff, chug, chug
went the little blue engine.

"I think I can, I think I can,

"I think I can, I think I can,

I think I can."

Ohh, wow.

You know, this would make a
great TV movie starring Robert Urich,

or that brawny
Facts of Life girl.

Wait a second.
What's that smell?

It's you.

Bud, you smell
good. What's wrong?

It's my brand-new scent.

Guaranteed to
attract the ladies.

Yeah? What's it called?

Simply Abe.

And, uh, if that's not enough,

I got another buck
taped to my thigh.

Well, good luck.

Thanks. And have fun
doing your commercial.

Thank you.

- Bye.
- See ya.

Okay, he's gone!

Thanks. I was getting
kinda bored out there,

so I... I took some pictures.

See?

This one here's from the
house across the street.

It's nice. Thank you.

Where the hell does
she find these guys?

So you wanna fool
around on the couch?

Relax, Gunter, we've got hours.

I mean, Bud really thinks
that I'm shooting a commercial.

- What a mormon!
- I know.

So you wanna fool
around on the couch?

Gunter, you don't just
come into my house,

covered with oil,
smoking a smelly cigar,

and ask me to fool around
on my mother's couch.

I mean, that would be
a sign of low breeding.

Here, we'll fool around on
the floor behind the couch.

Gunter, what did
you forget to do?

Oh, sorry.

Well, take it out!

Is that better?

Yes.

Now, I know this may
not be quite as comfortable

as what you're used to, my dear,

but, personally, I find
making love indoors restrictive.

That's why I'm glad that attendant
threw us out of his Fotomat.

You're as broke as a
two-dollar wristwatch, aren't you?

And hornier than a funeral
in New Orleans, baby.

Shall we?

No!

No? Where'd you pick
up that kind of language?

Look, I don't know what
kind of tramp you think I am,

but just because a man
can build a nest like a wren

doesn't mean I'll
make out with him.

Good-bye.

But, but, I'm... I'm
wearing Simply Abe.

You know, Kelly, I
can't help but feel

this is in some
small way my fault.

See ya!

Geez.

Who's gonna tell Mom
you burnt up her couch?

Wait... wait a second.

I think I can, I think I can,

I think I can.

I can't believe you
burned down Mom's couch.

Yeah, well, I can't
believe you bought

that stupid "concern
for illiteracy" crap.

If you had doubted me the
way that you were supposed to,

this never would have happened.

Ah, nice try, pyro-nymph.

Bud, you've got to help me.

Oh, well, sure.

If you don't mind living a life
of servitude and degradation,

I hear Saudi Arabia
needs blondes.

I'm not asking for me.

I'm asking for Mom.

I mean, this couch is her
life; she can't go on without it.

Bud, if she finds out
about this, it could kill her.

Kelly, don't you think you're
exaggerating just a little?

Hello.

Is my couch okay?

Your couch?

Why, yes, Mom,
it's fine. It's lovely.

Why do you ask?

Well, the funniest thing.

For no reason, my rear
end suddenly got warm.

Oh, Mom, what could
have happened to the couch

that's worse than you
and Dad sitting on it, right?

Yeah, I guess
I'm just being silly.

Anyway, you wanna
say hi to your father?

No.

Last contestant in the
rooster toss, Cousin Zeke.

Okay, that's 40
feet. That's a winner.

Congratulations, Zeke!

We shall now have the
ceremonial running of the pigs.

Not at me, you hillbillies!

Well, you guys have fun.

And don't worry
about the couch, okay?

Say good-bye to Dad for me.

Ah, Al, the kids say good-bye!

Peg! To serve
man? It's a cookbook!

Bud, we're doomed.

Uh, we?

Wait a second. I didn't
have anything to do with this.

I was out with a girl.

And you really think
they're gonna believe that?

Okay, I'll help.

If we're gonna get a new couch,

the first thing we need
is a picture of the old one.

Great idea. Bud,
you're a genius.

All righty. Now what?

Now we send this to Ripley's
along with your picture.

I meant a picture
before the fire.

Okay, I'm gonna get
Mom's photo album.

Probably more pictures of the
couch in here than there are of us.

I can't believe it.

Went to every store in town
and nobody had that couch.

Well, I say we get the
Guadalajara Yellow Pages

and start calling Goodwill.

Well, I will not give up.

The good thing is that we
still have another week to look.

Hello?

Honey, we're coming home early.

Your father's had
a little accident.

Accident, my ass! They
skinned me alive, Peg!

Well, you know, you know
better than to stand too close

to cousin Blinky when
he's filleting ferret.

Anyway, Kelly, we're
comin' home tomorrow.

And you know, I just
can't wait to see...

Bud, they're coming
home tomorrow.

Is there any way that I
can talk you into taking

full blame for this?

Sure. You can get me a
woman who won't say no.

So there's no way.

Hey, guys.

I got the scoop on your couch.

I got some friends in
the furniture business.

Well, actually, they're in

the "making false compartments
in the furniture" business.

But they gave me the lowdown.

Oh, please, let this be
easy. Please, please, please.

This is not going to be easy.

This may come as
a surprise to you,

but your couch wasn't
exactly a popular item.

How many were made?
What, 1,000? 500?

Two.

Well, how many did they sell?

One.

Great. Then all we gotta do
is find the one that they sold.

How hard could that be?

Boy, when your
looks go, you're dead.

You're dead.

Now, no one really knows
where the other couch is,

but I do know who made
it and where he lives.

Oh, then at least
let this be easy.

This is not going to be easy.

It seems the guy who
built it went insane.

How insane?

Well, he spackled in his navel,

he built a shrine to Larry
of The Three Stooges,

and he moved
deep into the woods.

How deep into the woods?

Hi. Are you, uh, Mary?

My name is Maray.

Maray!

Oh, sorry. How do
you spell Maray?

M-A-R- Y.

Uh, well, then how
do you spell Mary?

M- A- R-Y.

Oh!

So are you busy or bizay?

Depends. You from the
escort service I called in '79?

Uh, no. I'm here to see
a man about a couch.

Well, come on in.

But if the escort babe shows
up, you're gonna have to leave.

Besides, I don't know where you
got the idea that I have a couch.

You want a couch,
you go to a mall.

You want a chair,
you go to a mall.

You wanna see teenage girls
ride up and down escalators

with very short skirts,
you go to a mall.

But you wanna eat fried
squirrel off a dirt floor,

you come here.

Can I get you anything?

- Uh, cappuccino?
- Decaf?

- Please.
- Coming right up.

What kind of couch
are you looking for?

Well, one with sturdy legs,

you know, that you
could fall asleep on.

That's what I ordered
from the escort service.

Sit down.

Not there.

Not there.

Then where?

Right here. This is my bed.

Sorry it's not made, I
wasn't expecting company.

Thank you.

- Now let's talk couches.
- Oh, great.

Uh, here's the one
that we're looking for.

They say that you're
the man who made it.

No.

Not this one. I was desperate.

Uh, my mother was sick,
we needed the money.

Who are you to judge me?

No, you don't understand.
We like the couch.

Yeah, so do I. This is from my
"furniture for white trash" line.

The drunken
hillbilly collection.

My one attempt at commercialism.

God, I hate America.

Not the country, the rock group.

Uh, say, look, Mary...

Maray!

Mary, Maray, Madman...
um, it's getting a little late,

and I'm kinda caught short
here without a silver bullet,

so can you help me
replace the couch or not?

Well, I am sorry, but I
no longer build couches.

Now I just visualize world peace

and occasionally re-enact
The Unsinkable Molly Brown.

However, I am willing to
part with what is under this...

uh, giant spreading
fungus over here.

Oh!

It's perfect. It's perfect.

Even down to the stains.

Made 'em myself.

How much?

Don't insult me with money.

Well, how can I insult you?

With something I've
been needing and wanting

for a very, very long time.

And you're just the person
who can give it to me.

I can't believe what
you did to get this couch.

But he really wanted it, Bud.

I mean, it's been years.

We're home! And I
missed you so much!

Oh, we missed you, too, Mom.

Oh, ho ho ho.

Wow, it really is okay.

You know, this is the first time
my bottom has ever lied to me.

So how were the Olympics, Dad?

Oh, fine, fine. Hey,
you guys ever have

a carrot peeler run up and
down your arms really, really fast?

Of course you have.
What the heck, who hasn't?

Well, I guess I'll go to bed.

I haven't had a good
night's sleep since...

well, since I got married.

Yeah, you know,
I'm really tired, too.

Come on, Peg, I already
got skinned once today!

Oh, Al, don't flatter yourself.

Not everything
you do turns me on.

Oh, baby, the way
you open your mouth...

Oh, baby, oh...

Looks like you're gonna get
away with it. I'm telling you, though,

they're gonna find out what
you did to get this couch.

God knows I didn't wanna do it.

But in today's world,

you gotta give something
to get something.