Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 8, Episode 12 - A Little Off the Top - full transcript
Al is injured playing baseball with his friends, and ends up in the hospital needing surgery. Due to a mix-up at the hospital, however, Al ends up receiving a circumcision.
God, men are stupid.
And then there's Al.
I can't believe he
is really at the park
playing football with Aaron
and a bunch of college boys.
Why? He says he's in shape.
Oh, please.
If Al didn't have to bend over to
steal our paper every morning,
he wouldn't get
any exercise at all.
Yeah, but you
know, in Al's defense,
football has always
meant a lot to him.
In fact, it's the only
time he can still go deep.
Yeah.
Besides, what could go wrong?
Mrs. Bundy,
something's gone wrong.
It's your husband's back.
For the last time, I tell ya
I'm fine. I'm fine, I tell ya!
Easy now. Easy.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Why, is the pain too much?
No, I see a nickel.
All right, get me to the couch.
Ahh.
Football is so stupid.
Why don't you men do something
positive with your free time?
Do you know what my women's
group and I were doing this morning?
Having "this side up" mowed
into the hair on their chests?
No.
Actually, we were at an
environmental seminar
discussing ways to
save the nation's top soil.
And I can see by the
back of your neck here
that you've already
done more than your part.
How bad is it, Aaron?
Well, we took him to my doctor,
and he says all Mr. Bundy
needs is a minor operation.
They make this little circular
incision in his lower back,
ease the pressure off his
spine, and he's good as new.
Good going, crazy legs.
Now you need an operation.
I'm fine! Don't
you see I'm fine?!
Fine?
Fine for what, Al?
Starring in the circus as
Bundo, the fiddler crab boy?
Ringing bells in a
clock tower somewhere?
Granted they're both
higher-paying jobs
than the one you have now...
but I would imagine that
by the time you get home,
you'd wanna be fully erect.
But then again...
You know, Mr. Bundy,
our coach taught us
some great massage
techniques for the back.
Yeah, you wanna give it a try?
- Well, I don't mind...
- Ah! Oh!
Oh, there goes my back again.
Could you boys help me
home and up the stairs
and into my bedroom and out
of these uncomfortable clothes?
Well, sure, only if it'll
make you feel better.
Oh, it will, it will.
You boys like piña coladas?
Where you going, Peg?
I am calling the hospital
about your operation.
Al, look at you.
You have got to get
this taken care of.
But I'm fine.
You are going to the hospital.
I am not going to the hos...
All I need is a hot shower
and a little bit of rest.
You'll see, by tomorrow,
I'll be my old self.
Hello, operator.
I just have to get
around this couch here.
Ah, yes, I'd like the number
of the hospital, please.
Up the stairs...
wherever they are.
Which one?
Oh, I don't know.
What's the cheapest one?
No, an ambulance
won't be necessary.
A hearse may be good.
No, Marce.
"Men who leave their
wives for IHOP waitresses"
is on Geraldo.
Al? He's been in surgery
for about an hour now.
Look, ma'am.
My wife has just
given birth to triplets.
Well, congratulations.
Who's the father?
So, anyway, Al
just keeps going on
about how something bad
is gonna happen to him,
and I say, "Look, it's
a simple operation.
What are the odds of something
horrible happening to you?"
Excuse me, Mrs. Bundy,
but something horrible has
happened to your husband.
Uh, Marcy, can I call you back?
She says no and
can you speak louder.
There is some good
news. He's alive.
Well, how alive?
Can he walk? Can he talk?
Will he ever be
able to work again?
He's a shoe
salesman, Mrs. Bundy.
We could replace his brain
with a sock full of popcorn,
he would still be able to work.
See, this was one of those...
unfortunate accidents
due to simple human error.
It seems our surgical team
misread your
doctor's instructions.
It said to give him
a circular incision.
Yeah.
So, how could you misread that?
We gave him a... circumcision.
Oh, dear.
Uh... where is he?
That's the other thing.
Man... just when you
thought all the disasters
that could happen to Dad
have happened to Dad.
Yeah, circumcision.
And we thought he was in a mood
when they cut
his hair too short.
Now we can't even
tell him it'll grow back.
Can we?
Why not? We lied about his hair.
I just hope we got
all Dad's magazines.
When Mom called, she
said it was very important
to get rid of anything
that could turn Dad on
before he's had
a chance to heal.
Wow, 30 days without sex.
What's that like?
Thirty days is nothing.
I mean, I've gone as...
Well, I don't know.
What was that?
Dad!
I think they're rounding
the corner up the street.
Hurry up with the magazines.
Okay, what about this People?
- Who's on the cover?
- It's Ross Perot.
Hide it. Dad said that his
ears look like tiny hooters.
Dad is sick.
Okay, where are they now?
They're about to go over
the hump at the intersection.
And now the three small
potholes in front of the McGinty's.
Oh, oh, oh!
And now the big one.
Hurry up before they
get in the driveway.
Think Mom's gonna hit the curb?
Nah.
Oh, sweet baby Jane!
Okay, I'm ready.
Where should I put 'em?
Ah... in the basement.
Okay. Wait a second. How do
you know Dad won't go down here?
Because we never fixed the step.
Here they come.
Ooh!
Well, Mr. Grumpy's home.
Just a small word of warning.
Anyone who says
"What's up" goes down.
It wasn't funny when
the doctor asked it,
wasn't funny when
the nurse asked it,
certainly wasn't funny
when your mother asked it.
Then again, I've
been asking for years.
Is that you, son?
Yeah, Dad. What's up?
Any other questions?
Yeah. So... how's your, uh,
your back?
Fine.
Not that they did
anything to it, but...
for some odd reason, I
feel less concerned about it.
Peg, would you have any idea
why I'd feel less
concerned about it?
I do, I do.
Pumpkin?
Because you're in so much
more pain from the circumcision.
Correct.
And while we're on that subject,
does anyone know
why such a wacky thing
could have happened to
Daddy in the first place?
Ooh ooh ooh ooh.
Pumpkin?
Because Mommy made
you go to the hospital?
Close, sweetheart.
Mommy married Daddy first,
then made him go to the hospital.
Ah, son, you've
come to just in time,
'cause here's
something really funny.
Did you know that Daddy's nurse
was a fat woman who used
to come to his shoe store?
Well, I say "used to" because
her patronage fell off one day
when she came in
and asked for something
to make her foot look small,
and I said, "Try your ass."
She remembered.
And we laughed.
Then she picked up a catheter the
size of a boa constrictor and charged.
And all of a sudden,
for just a brief moment
in a land far away,
there was Abraham, Martin and Al
saying if it wasn't
for the wife...
Al, I am very, very
sorry about this.
And if there's
anything I can do...
swim the deepest ocean,
climb the highest mountain,
just tell me and I'll do it.
How 'bout a sandwich?
A sandwich?
Now?!
Kids, did Daddy tell you
he got some stitches?
Okay. Okay.
I'll make you a sandwich.
Thank you.
It's over as far
as I'm concerned.
Everything is back to normal.
What?
Well, how much did
they cut off, Daddy?
No, Kelly.
It's just that he won't be able
to wear anything
tight for a while,
so I brought him
something of Grandma's.
Fortunately, all I needed was
the sleeve. I sent the rest back.
And by the way,
I don't want anyone
talking about this, Peg,
especially you.
Oh, come on, Al.
I'm as embarrassed
about this as you are.
Besides, who would I tell?
Hey, stubby.
We heard about what
happened, so we got you a card.
Uh, I talked her out
of the "ask me about my
circumcision" bumper sticker.
"We heard about
your little loss.
"We know you'll make it through,
"'cause thankfully
the part they took
"was of no use to you.
"And though they took
more than you'd like,
"the good luck is, you see,
another quarter inch'd
been a full lobotomy."
P.S...
Kids, a lesson.
Whenever you
receive a card like this,
it must be answered
immediately by a thank-you note.
So would you please go key one
in the side of Marcy's
car for Daddy?
Sure, Dad.
Whoa, whoa. Now
wait a second here.
You guys know that Marcy's
is the red Beemer, right?
- Come on, what, are we dumb?
- We know, Mr. D'Arcy.
Okay, go to it then.
Ah, cranky, huh, old buddy?
Well, I know
exactly how you feel.
I had to get
circumcised myself once.
How'd you deal with the pain?
I don't know. I was
only one day old.
So, what's up?
Oh, Marcy, I feel
just awful about this.
The pain he must be in.
And it's all my fault.
Well, just do what you
can to take his mind off it.
Well, I do.
It's just that for some reason,
he cannot seem to let go of it.
I don't know what to do.
Well, just give it a few days.
Besides, I hear there
are some benefits
to having a circumcised man.
They're healthier,
the sex is better,
they're less likely...
Whoa.
The sex is better?
For the woman.
Well, that's all I care about.
Go on.
Well, they say it lasts longer
because the man
is less sensitive.
Ow!
Of course, you're
gonna have to wait
about a month to find out.
Hey, with Al, I can do a month
standing on my head.
Sometimes I have to.
Sometimes I like it.
Tonight our special report:
thong bikinis of Rio.
Thong bikinis of Hawaii.
Thong bikinis of the Caribbean.
Ah! Sweeps month.
Gotta be something
on that's dull and boring.
Tonight on National Geographic,
stalking the wily prairie dog.
That's better.
But first, thong bikinis
of the Serengeti.
Good one.
Hi, honey. I'm sorry I'm late,
but bingo was just
a madhouse tonight.
So... how's it going?
Horrible, Peg.
Everything I see
or hear is about sex.
Tsk, Al, that's just
your imagination.
There's plenty of
other things going on.
Tell me about bingo.
Well, we overheard this couple
going at it in the bathroom.
I don't know how they thought
they could get away with it.
I mean, you could hear
her a whole block away.
"Oh, Al."
His name was Al, too.
"Oh, Al."
On and on.
What was that sound?
A stitch.
Well, it's time to get
this couch reupholstered.
I'm really glad I'm
home. I am so tired.
Peg, do you mind?
Mind what?
When you shake
your leg like that it...
it makes your boobies
go back and forth.
Sorry.
Would you stop putting
your finger in your mouth
when you turn the page?
I always do that.
Guess it's the first
time I've... looked at you.
All right, Al. I'll stop.
What?
You're breathing in and out!
This is ridiculous.
I'm getting myself a snack
and then I'm going to bed.
You know, your problem is, Al,
you just can't allow yourself
to think about anything else.
You know, read a
book, watch a ball game.
You know, my life
is miserable, too,
but you don't see me going nuts.
Ah, by the way, honey,
do you want anything
while I'm in here?
Al?
Al?!
A shower?
This early?
Gee...
It's only the tenth
of the month.
Well, I don't like this, Marcy.
He's been in the garage
past a month now,
and I still can't get
him to come out.
I mean, suppose
something went wrong.
He was really starting
to like those muumuus.
Yeah, well,
suppose he's all well,
and he just doesn't
want me anymore?
Never mind.
You know, it did last longer.
And the best part
is I didn't feel a thing.
And then there's Al.
I can't believe he
is really at the park
playing football with Aaron
and a bunch of college boys.
Why? He says he's in shape.
Oh, please.
If Al didn't have to bend over to
steal our paper every morning,
he wouldn't get
any exercise at all.
Yeah, but you
know, in Al's defense,
football has always
meant a lot to him.
In fact, it's the only
time he can still go deep.
Yeah.
Besides, what could go wrong?
Mrs. Bundy,
something's gone wrong.
It's your husband's back.
For the last time, I tell ya
I'm fine. I'm fine, I tell ya!
Easy now. Easy.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Why, is the pain too much?
No, I see a nickel.
All right, get me to the couch.
Ahh.
Football is so stupid.
Why don't you men do something
positive with your free time?
Do you know what my women's
group and I were doing this morning?
Having "this side up" mowed
into the hair on their chests?
No.
Actually, we were at an
environmental seminar
discussing ways to
save the nation's top soil.
And I can see by the
back of your neck here
that you've already
done more than your part.
How bad is it, Aaron?
Well, we took him to my doctor,
and he says all Mr. Bundy
needs is a minor operation.
They make this little circular
incision in his lower back,
ease the pressure off his
spine, and he's good as new.
Good going, crazy legs.
Now you need an operation.
I'm fine! Don't
you see I'm fine?!
Fine?
Fine for what, Al?
Starring in the circus as
Bundo, the fiddler crab boy?
Ringing bells in a
clock tower somewhere?
Granted they're both
higher-paying jobs
than the one you have now...
but I would imagine that
by the time you get home,
you'd wanna be fully erect.
But then again...
You know, Mr. Bundy,
our coach taught us
some great massage
techniques for the back.
Yeah, you wanna give it a try?
- Well, I don't mind...
- Ah! Oh!
Oh, there goes my back again.
Could you boys help me
home and up the stairs
and into my bedroom and out
of these uncomfortable clothes?
Well, sure, only if it'll
make you feel better.
Oh, it will, it will.
You boys like piña coladas?
Where you going, Peg?
I am calling the hospital
about your operation.
Al, look at you.
You have got to get
this taken care of.
But I'm fine.
You are going to the hospital.
I am not going to the hos...
All I need is a hot shower
and a little bit of rest.
You'll see, by tomorrow,
I'll be my old self.
Hello, operator.
I just have to get
around this couch here.
Ah, yes, I'd like the number
of the hospital, please.
Up the stairs...
wherever they are.
Which one?
Oh, I don't know.
What's the cheapest one?
No, an ambulance
won't be necessary.
A hearse may be good.
No, Marce.
"Men who leave their
wives for IHOP waitresses"
is on Geraldo.
Al? He's been in surgery
for about an hour now.
Look, ma'am.
My wife has just
given birth to triplets.
Well, congratulations.
Who's the father?
So, anyway, Al
just keeps going on
about how something bad
is gonna happen to him,
and I say, "Look, it's
a simple operation.
What are the odds of something
horrible happening to you?"
Excuse me, Mrs. Bundy,
but something horrible has
happened to your husband.
Uh, Marcy, can I call you back?
She says no and
can you speak louder.
There is some good
news. He's alive.
Well, how alive?
Can he walk? Can he talk?
Will he ever be
able to work again?
He's a shoe
salesman, Mrs. Bundy.
We could replace his brain
with a sock full of popcorn,
he would still be able to work.
See, this was one of those...
unfortunate accidents
due to simple human error.
It seems our surgical team
misread your
doctor's instructions.
It said to give him
a circular incision.
Yeah.
So, how could you misread that?
We gave him a... circumcision.
Oh, dear.
Uh... where is he?
That's the other thing.
Man... just when you
thought all the disasters
that could happen to Dad
have happened to Dad.
Yeah, circumcision.
And we thought he was in a mood
when they cut
his hair too short.
Now we can't even
tell him it'll grow back.
Can we?
Why not? We lied about his hair.
I just hope we got
all Dad's magazines.
When Mom called, she
said it was very important
to get rid of anything
that could turn Dad on
before he's had
a chance to heal.
Wow, 30 days without sex.
What's that like?
Thirty days is nothing.
I mean, I've gone as...
Well, I don't know.
What was that?
Dad!
I think they're rounding
the corner up the street.
Hurry up with the magazines.
Okay, what about this People?
- Who's on the cover?
- It's Ross Perot.
Hide it. Dad said that his
ears look like tiny hooters.
Dad is sick.
Okay, where are they now?
They're about to go over
the hump at the intersection.
And now the three small
potholes in front of the McGinty's.
Oh, oh, oh!
And now the big one.
Hurry up before they
get in the driveway.
Think Mom's gonna hit the curb?
Nah.
Oh, sweet baby Jane!
Okay, I'm ready.
Where should I put 'em?
Ah... in the basement.
Okay. Wait a second. How do
you know Dad won't go down here?
Because we never fixed the step.
Here they come.
Ooh!
Well, Mr. Grumpy's home.
Just a small word of warning.
Anyone who says
"What's up" goes down.
It wasn't funny when
the doctor asked it,
wasn't funny when
the nurse asked it,
certainly wasn't funny
when your mother asked it.
Then again, I've
been asking for years.
Is that you, son?
Yeah, Dad. What's up?
Any other questions?
Yeah. So... how's your, uh,
your back?
Fine.
Not that they did
anything to it, but...
for some odd reason, I
feel less concerned about it.
Peg, would you have any idea
why I'd feel less
concerned about it?
I do, I do.
Pumpkin?
Because you're in so much
more pain from the circumcision.
Correct.
And while we're on that subject,
does anyone know
why such a wacky thing
could have happened to
Daddy in the first place?
Ooh ooh ooh ooh.
Pumpkin?
Because Mommy made
you go to the hospital?
Close, sweetheart.
Mommy married Daddy first,
then made him go to the hospital.
Ah, son, you've
come to just in time,
'cause here's
something really funny.
Did you know that Daddy's nurse
was a fat woman who used
to come to his shoe store?
Well, I say "used to" because
her patronage fell off one day
when she came in
and asked for something
to make her foot look small,
and I said, "Try your ass."
She remembered.
And we laughed.
Then she picked up a catheter the
size of a boa constrictor and charged.
And all of a sudden,
for just a brief moment
in a land far away,
there was Abraham, Martin and Al
saying if it wasn't
for the wife...
Al, I am very, very
sorry about this.
And if there's
anything I can do...
swim the deepest ocean,
climb the highest mountain,
just tell me and I'll do it.
How 'bout a sandwich?
A sandwich?
Now?!
Kids, did Daddy tell you
he got some stitches?
Okay. Okay.
I'll make you a sandwich.
Thank you.
It's over as far
as I'm concerned.
Everything is back to normal.
What?
Well, how much did
they cut off, Daddy?
No, Kelly.
It's just that he won't be able
to wear anything
tight for a while,
so I brought him
something of Grandma's.
Fortunately, all I needed was
the sleeve. I sent the rest back.
And by the way,
I don't want anyone
talking about this, Peg,
especially you.
Oh, come on, Al.
I'm as embarrassed
about this as you are.
Besides, who would I tell?
Hey, stubby.
We heard about what
happened, so we got you a card.
Uh, I talked her out
of the "ask me about my
circumcision" bumper sticker.
"We heard about
your little loss.
"We know you'll make it through,
"'cause thankfully
the part they took
"was of no use to you.
"And though they took
more than you'd like,
"the good luck is, you see,
another quarter inch'd
been a full lobotomy."
P.S...
Kids, a lesson.
Whenever you
receive a card like this,
it must be answered
immediately by a thank-you note.
So would you please go key one
in the side of Marcy's
car for Daddy?
Sure, Dad.
Whoa, whoa. Now
wait a second here.
You guys know that Marcy's
is the red Beemer, right?
- Come on, what, are we dumb?
- We know, Mr. D'Arcy.
Okay, go to it then.
Ah, cranky, huh, old buddy?
Well, I know
exactly how you feel.
I had to get
circumcised myself once.
How'd you deal with the pain?
I don't know. I was
only one day old.
So, what's up?
Oh, Marcy, I feel
just awful about this.
The pain he must be in.
And it's all my fault.
Well, just do what you
can to take his mind off it.
Well, I do.
It's just that for some reason,
he cannot seem to let go of it.
I don't know what to do.
Well, just give it a few days.
Besides, I hear there
are some benefits
to having a circumcised man.
They're healthier,
the sex is better,
they're less likely...
Whoa.
The sex is better?
For the woman.
Well, that's all I care about.
Go on.
Well, they say it lasts longer
because the man
is less sensitive.
Ow!
Of course, you're
gonna have to wait
about a month to find out.
Hey, with Al, I can do a month
standing on my head.
Sometimes I have to.
Sometimes I like it.
Tonight our special report:
thong bikinis of Rio.
Thong bikinis of Hawaii.
Thong bikinis of the Caribbean.
Ah! Sweeps month.
Gotta be something
on that's dull and boring.
Tonight on National Geographic,
stalking the wily prairie dog.
That's better.
But first, thong bikinis
of the Serengeti.
Good one.
Hi, honey. I'm sorry I'm late,
but bingo was just
a madhouse tonight.
So... how's it going?
Horrible, Peg.
Everything I see
or hear is about sex.
Tsk, Al, that's just
your imagination.
There's plenty of
other things going on.
Tell me about bingo.
Well, we overheard this couple
going at it in the bathroom.
I don't know how they thought
they could get away with it.
I mean, you could hear
her a whole block away.
"Oh, Al."
His name was Al, too.
"Oh, Al."
On and on.
What was that sound?
A stitch.
Well, it's time to get
this couch reupholstered.
I'm really glad I'm
home. I am so tired.
Peg, do you mind?
Mind what?
When you shake
your leg like that it...
it makes your boobies
go back and forth.
Sorry.
Would you stop putting
your finger in your mouth
when you turn the page?
I always do that.
Guess it's the first
time I've... looked at you.
All right, Al. I'll stop.
What?
You're breathing in and out!
This is ridiculous.
I'm getting myself a snack
and then I'm going to bed.
You know, your problem is, Al,
you just can't allow yourself
to think about anything else.
You know, read a
book, watch a ball game.
You know, my life
is miserable, too,
but you don't see me going nuts.
Ah, by the way, honey,
do you want anything
while I'm in here?
Al?
Al?!
A shower?
This early?
Gee...
It's only the tenth
of the month.
Well, I don't like this, Marcy.
He's been in the garage
past a month now,
and I still can't get
him to come out.
I mean, suppose
something went wrong.
He was really starting
to like those muumuus.
Yeah, well,
suppose he's all well,
and he just doesn't
want me anymore?
Never mind.
You know, it did last longer.
And the best part
is I didn't feel a thing.