Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 8, Episode 11 - Change for a Buck - full transcript

Lacking attention, Buck decides to run away from home and the rest of the family doesn't discover that he's gone until a week later which is the time limit for dogs at the pound where Buck ...

Hi, Kell. What you listenin' to?

Radio Love-Line. It's
listener dedication hour.

Oh. How many
dedications did I get?

Three, actually.

"Lonely Boy,"

"Like A Virgin..."

and "When A Man
Loves A Rubber Woman."

And I supposed you
got your usual dedication,

"She Works Hard For The Money."

Whatever gave you the idea
that I am some cheap tramp?

And now, dedicated to Kelly,



"She Works Hard..."

Oh, hi, Mom.

Uh, Bud broke your radio.

That's okay. It
was your father's.

Hey, kids. Look what
just came in the mail.

It's my first Best of
Oprah videocassette.

"Volume one. Mom's
a Dad and I'm so sad."

Oh...

If the world had
only one throat...

A fat woman sloshed
into the shoe store today.

Said she was retaining water.

I said not to worry about it.

The dam of cellulite
holding it back

should keep us all high and
dry for the next few years.



Now I don't know when they
started lettin' women carry stun guns,

but I'll tell you this...

There he goes again.

On and on about his non-life.

Hey, newsflash,
people. You have a dog.

A dog who hasn't been
brushed or bathed in six years.

Now I know how
Willie Nelson feels.

Hey, don't mind me.
I'll just lick my genitalia

and go to sleep alone.

Much like the boy. Ha ha ha.

Hey, ever hear of affection?

We love to be petted.
Much like the girl.

Ah, well, that's it. I'm fed up.

I can takes no
more. I'm outta here.

No, no, no, no. Don't
try and stop me now.

Well, thank you.

Okay. You'll be sorry.

Boy, am I sorry.

Running away. What
the hell was I thinking?

Hey, you, new dog.
What are you in for?

Ah, I ran away from home
to teach my family a lesson.

Well, you know what they say.

You can't teach an
old family new tricks.

Ah, that's what you think.

I'm sure right now my family's
beside themselves with grief.

So then this skinny woman

with a hook nose Olive
Oyls into the shoe store

and says, "I want somethin'
to make me look sexy."

So I say, "You'll have
to wait a long time

before someone that ugly
comes in to stand next to you."

Excuse me, boy.

Now, I don't know when
they started letting women

carry nunchucks.

Yeah, they're probably cryin'

their eyes out for me right now.

Hey, what's the boxer in for?

Oh, nothin', if
you hear him tell it.

I'm innocent. Innocent.

You know I'm
innocent, don't you?

Only in America with our
system of jurisprudence

would this have happened to
an upstanding boxer like yourself!

And, who's that over there?

Ah, that's Madonna's dog.

After the book came
out, he turned himself in.

So how does it work around here?

I mean, like, when do we eat?

Eat? Let's see. It's almost
9:00... about three days from now.

That soon? Hey!

I think I'm gonna
like this place.

Yeah, too bad I
won't be here long.

I mean, not with my family
out searching for me. Ha, ha.

So then this woman comes in...

who doesn't speak English.

She points at the shoes.

I point at the door.

She points at the sky and
knees me in the nay-nays.

I...

- Come in!
- Come in!

Hi, Bud. Uh...

Look, I'm not interrupting
anything, am I?

Oh, no. Not at all. We're
very glad to see you.

Sit down.

See ya later. Bye.

Hey, Al.

When was the last time
you got some good news?

Well, when I was seven, my
mother told me I was adopted...

which turned out
to be a vicious lie,

but it was good
news at the time.

Well, guess what's
happening in a week from now?

The nudie bar is
having their annual

"wrestle till you're raw" night.

Is it that time of
the year already?

God, time sure flies when
you're married and have no life.

They're selling raffle
tickets for a drawing

to see who gets to
oil down the first girl.

Ah, yes. First oil.

And you know who's
gonna be in the ring,

don't you, buddy?

Maria Cantalopes Meyers?

Versus Yolanda "Deep
Shade" McSuede.

Ha ha ha.

Oh, truly a battle
of the titans.

Maria and the Shadester.

Four of my favorites.

Jefferson, I have to be
the one to get that first oil.

How much are tickets?

20 bucks apiece.

Mmm, a little steep, huh?

Yolanda and Maria.

All right. Well, turn around.

I don't want you to see
where I hide the money.

Gee, I wonder what's
takin' the family so long.

I mean, they sure
act fast enough

when the blonde girl gets lost.

Of course, unlike her, I've
never got lost in the house.

Ah, they'll be here.

Ah, poor fella. I hate to
see him suffer like that.

Me too. Shall we tell
him he's gonna die?

Yeah, why not.
Hey you, Buckaroo,

there's something you
oughta know about this place.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I'm not anyone's bitch, okay?

Nah. No, not that.

Too bad, though. He is a looker.

I mean, you better hope
somebody comes in to get you

in seven days or less.

What happens after seven days?

Well, let's say you'll be
drinkin' out of God's toilet.

You mean, I'll... I'll be dead?

Whoa, that's
certainly a cage soiler.

Hey, but I'm not worried.

I mean, I got four people

scourin' the city
for me right now.

Like, there's Bud, you know...

Well, if he can't even
find a two-legged dog,

why would I think he'd
find a four-legged one?

Ah, but the girl. The girl...

is an idiot.

I wouldn't have
any use for her at all

if she didn't undress
in front of me.

Ah well, the redhead.

Ah, she wouldn't know I was gone

unless my picture was on
the side of a bon-bon box.

I guess my only hope
is the big dumb guy

with the stinky feet.

My pal Al. He won't let me down.

Besides, what else has
he got goin' in his life?

But... but I don't wanna die.

I mean, I got so
much to live for.

I... I got balls yet to
catch and cats to tree,

bones to bury.

Gee, come to think of it, we
don't really do much, do we?

How does he do that?

Ever since his
people had him fixed,

he doesn't date much.

Ah, I see.

Hey, look, guys, I know I'm
only the new kid on death row,

but given what seems
to be in store for us...

I mean, shouldn't we be
knee-deep in our own...

Keep your fur on,
tall, dark and wormy.

It's visitors' day.

Why, we could get abducted.

No, no. He means adopted.

If a family comes in and
likes you, you're sprung.

Hey, pick me. I'm
really good with kids.

Hey, hey!

Hey, lady. I'm a genius in
French, so you'll take me, pl...

I want this one.

Oh, but honey,
he's old and ugly.

Yeah, well, from where I stand,

you're not exactly
Sharon Stone yourself.

Look, how 'bout we forget the
whole thing and go get an ice cream?

Okay.

Good boy.

I am not giving up.

If that family can
look for a dog,

my family can look for a dog.

Besides, I've got
seven days. No problem.

Problem.

Al, have you noticed anything
different around the house lately?

You know, I just
can't help but feel

that there is something missing.

And I am very observant
about these things.

Eat up, boy.

Well, Peg, what do you think?

That is the most
disgusting tie I've ever seen.

I'm not talkin' about the
tie, I'm talkin' about the shirt.

Does it look okay?

I wanna look my best for
"wrestle till you're raw" night.

You know, Larry Linville
from M♪A♪S♪H

is gonna be one of the judges.

Wow. So did Lumber
City give him the week off?

I'm goin' to the frat house.

How ya doin', boy?

Hey, Bud,

have you noticed anything
missing around here lately?

Hmm. The Van Gogh?

Mom, Dad, you're never
gonna guess what happened.

Okay. I was out walking Buck.

Then suddenly, I realized
that he wasn't stopping

at every tree and
hydrant on the block.

And that's when I looked
down at the end of the leash

and saw that I was Buck-naked.

I knew something was missing.

He couldn't have
been gone for long.

His food got eaten every day.

Al!

Oh, Buck's gone.

Okay, now, kids,

go outside and
look under the house

where your father usually hides.

I'm gonna go get a
flashlight. We gotta find Buck.

Buck's gone?

- Nudie bar!
- Nudie bar!

All right.

Oh, bad news, Al.

They didn't draw my
number for first oil,

but they drew yours.

Ha ha ha!

Okay, you ready, Dad?

Ready for what?

To go find Buck.

Well, I'll keep my eyes peeled
from here to the nudie bar.

Let's go, Jefferson.

Dad! Buck is the family dog,

and the whole family
should look for him.

Oh, pumpkin!

Now if you were a dog,
where would you go?

Well, that depends.
Are you a dog, too?

Al, I am serious.
Buck could be hurt.

He could be lyin'
in the gutter, Dad.

Did it ever occur to any of you

that Buck might
have just run away?

I've thought of it
myself a million times.

He could be eatin' a steak
right now, drinkin' a daiquiri,

or doin' that little
Cocker Spaniel

down the end of the street.

Our dog Buck might,
for the first time in his life,

be truly happy.

Who cares? We want him back.

- Yeah, we want Buck.
- Yeah, Dad.

Dad, go find him.

Oh, why do I have to go get...

Look, Al, I know
you're in a bind,

but it's a quarter till.

You go ahead.

Try to hold off the
pouring of the first oil.

I'll get in the car,
go around the block

a few times to find
him. Shouldn't take long.

Oh. Now, now, honey.

It's okay. Daddy'll find Buck.

Oh, has he ever let
you down before?

Oh, it's okay, honey.

You know, just remember.

Daddy loves Buck
just as much as we do.

They're best friends.

Well, uh... I found Buck.

Now here, I gotta go.

Wait a second.

This isn't Buck.

Well, that may be,

but I still gotta go.

Okay, Al.

Now look, if pouring some oil

on some women that even
Senator Packwood wouldn't grope...

is more important to you

than reuniting your
faithful and loving puppy

with your faithful
and loving family,

then just go.

But know that we'll be
here crying our eyes out.

Okay, okay.

Bye.

Get back here.

Well, Peg, Buck'll come home.

I always do.

Don't you know tonight
is very important to me?

Ah, not the theme to Lassie.

Anything but the
theme to Lassie!

You know how it chokes me up.

Oh, all right,
let's go find him.

Let's go find Buck. And I
really hate you guys for this.

Well, not just for this,
but especially this.

Oh, not the theme!

They're not really gonna take me
through the green door, are they?

The Lord is my German
Shepherd, I shall not want.

Doesn't he know
any other songs?!

Wh... what was that?

Be at peace, my son.

Oh, put a sock in it, padre.

If only my people
would come for me.

I promise, I'd... I'd
never run away again or...

Or chew on their shoes, or...

Or pass wind and watch
as they blame it on the boy.

It's... it's them!

Well, what is it, Peg?

We've been to about
40 of these places, huh?

This is the last one, Al.

They've come to rescue me!

Oh, gosh.

I knew they wouldn't forget me.

Well... he's not here.

Hey! Hey, yes I am!

Hey, look down, you moron.

Well, are you sure, Al? I
mean, maybe we should...

Peg, don't you think if Buck
were here, he'd be barking?

I know, because a man
and his dog have a bond.

And if... will you
shut up, you mutt!

Oh, look at the cute puppies.

Hey, Daddy, can we get a puppy?

Oh... oh, this one
just licked my face.

He just licked my face.

You should have seen where
his tongue was a few minutes ago.

Yo, fools, I'm down here!

Puppy'll cost you $15.

And could you
speed it up a little bit?

I've got an execution to do.

Hey, wait a second.

This big one looks
a little like Buck.

Well, that couldn't be.

You know the irony in this

is they should be
putting you guys to sleep

in 30 seconds.

- Oh!
- Well, wait a minute now.

- That is Buck!
- That is Buck!

- Buck! Buck!
- That's our Buck.

Hey. Hey, hey,
hey. That's our dog.

He'll cost you 20 bucks.

Twenty bucks? Why, for 20
bucks, I can get a real good suit.

A fathead losered is
way into the pound today.

Well, I guess we'll
take the old boy.

Yeah. And we're never gonna
let this happen again, boy!

Yeah. Everything is gonna
be different from now on, Buck.

That's right. We're gonna
play and we're gonna romp.

We'll bathe you. We'll
even feed you, Buck.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Oh, Buck boy.

♪ She works hard for the money ♪

♪ So hard for it, honey ♪

♪ She works hard for the money ♪

Kelly, ha ha.

The Best of Oprah
Volume Two just came.

Here we go.

"The Cross and the Double Cross.

Catholic men who
dress like women."

Hey, Ma... think Dad'll
let me use the car tonight?

Well, depends on
what mood he's in.

I wish the world were a fly and I
was a giant rolled-up newspaper.

Here we go.

A fat woman clip-clopped
into the shoe store today...

and said, "I need something
I'd be comfortable in."

I said, "Try Wyoming."

Now I don't know when
they started lettin' women

carry chain saws...

Oh, like your
family's any better.