Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 8, Episode 10 - Dances with Weezy - full transcript
Al bribes Kelly and Bud into posing as him and Jefferson to accompany Peg and Marcy at The Jeffersons Moving On Up Tour live, while they go to a newly opened sports bar.
Oh, my God, Mom! I found it!
Oh, it must have been
decomposing down here for months!
What are we gonna do
with it when he gets it out?
Well, I guess we'll
just say a prayer,
and flush it down the toilet,
like we did when
your goldfish died.
Okay, back, people! Back!
Now gimme some
room! Gimme some room!
Oh!
God, it stinks!
Did you find his other
bowling shoe down there?
No, just the eyelets.
I'm gonna go throw this
thing in the backyard.
That's a good idea, honey.
Just put it out
with Buck's house.
You know how he
likes to roll around
with your father's old things.
Well, I guess he's not finished
with your father's
home-of-the-whopper jockey shorts.
Oh, Peg, I got 'em.
Third row, center aisle.
The best seats in the house
for the greatest show on earth!
What? Public Enemy?
Nirvana?
Carla and her
disappearing vegetables?
I... I... I mean,
the rock group.
Not the blond stripper
who's making a squash
disappear for Thanksgiving.
No, pig-in-training.
These are tickets to
The Jeffersons live.
It's their Moving On Up tour!
Oh, is The Facts of Life
Eating On Up tour all sold out?
Oh, Marcy, I can't believe it.
We are actually gonna see
George and Weezie perform
episodes from their
sitcom live on stage!
Now, when you say "live," do you
mean "live" as opposed to "on TV"
or "live" as opposed to Daddy?
Look, we are talking
about The Jeffersons.
They made me understand the
greatness of the African-American culture.
I used to think I was
a hip white chick.
Then I saw George and
Weezie and they made me realize
that I'm just a square honky
peg in a round black world.
Whoa.
Well, I guess I can relate.
I mean, if Beavis and Butthead
did a live show 90 years
from now, I'd be there.
Kelly, Beavis and
Butthead are cartoons.
They preferred to be called
"dimensionally challenged," Bud.
- Why do I feel so alone?
- Because no one likes you.
Peg!
Peg, I got good news.
So do we!
No one cares.
Peg, I just heard
they're opening up
a brand-new sports
bar in the neighborhood.
Finally, a place a man
can relax after work.
What about home?
Finally, a place a man
can relax after work.
A place where
women bring you food.
Chips and pretzels,
nuts with sugar on 'em.
Al, you haven't even asked
us about our good news.
Oh, I'm sorry, Peg, what is it?
- You see, we got four...
- Another thing they're
gonna have at the bar,
twelve TV's, each with
a different game on.
Oh, Peg, I tell ya, I'm so hot,
If Marcy wasn't here, I'd
take you on the floor right now.
Get out, Marcy.
Never mind. The mood has passed.
Well, all I can say is I'm
glad my man is evolved
to the point where he doesn't
need a sports bar to go to.
Hey, Al!
Did you hear about
the new sports bar?
Sure did!
Ickey shuffle!
Did you hear they're gonna have
a pair of Ali's
gloves on display?
Yes, I did. And Mantle's spikes.
Plus Michael Jordan's putter.
Yes, but are they gonna
have the actual door
that George Jefferson
slammed in the Willis' face?
Speaking of Michael Jordan,
I bet you don't know who
was picked ahead of him
in the 1984 NBA draft?
Sam Bowie, went
to the Trail Blazers.
Good call, buddy!
All right, Al, I
got one for you.
When was the last time the
Cubs won the World Series?
1908.
And you can't remember
the year we were married.
Same year, 1908.
Only difference is
baseball's still interesting.
Well, maybe that's because they
score more than once a season.
Okay, Al.
I've got one that's
gonna stump you.
All right, who was in the very
first light beer commercial?
No problem, you're talking
beer, you're talking my language.
You're talking beer,
you're talking his belly.
Why do I have an
uncontrollable urge to play T-ball?
The answer is Bubba Smith.
- No, Billy Martin.
- Bubba Smith.
Wore a blue sports shirt
with a penguin on the pocket.
Hey, Al, what was I
wearing the day you met me?
Too much make-up.
- It was Billy Martin.
- Bubba Smith.
- Bubba...
- Billy...
- Bubba!
- Billy!
- Bubba!
- Billy!
- Bubba!
- Billy!
Hello, Bureau of Alcohol,
Tobacco and Firearms?
Yeah, I have an
alcohol question.
Who was in the first
light beer commercial?
I say...
No, I say it was Bubba Smith,
but my friend here
says it was... hello?
Hello?
They said it was Bubba.
- Billy.
- Bubba.
- Billy.
- Billy.
- Bubba.
- Aha!
That's no fair; you stole
that from Bugs Bunny.
- Daffy.
- Bugs.
- Daffy!
- Bugs!
- Daffy!
- Bugs!
Hey, hey!
Why are you two
introducing yourselves
to each other?
You guys have been
doing this for two days.
We demand you pay
us some attention.
- Bubba.
- Billy.
You know what we can do?
We can asked them Friday night at
the grand opening of the sports bar.
Yeah, great!
Friday?
Friday night is our play.
What play?
The Jeffersons'
Movin' On Up Tour.
What are they movin'
on up to, channel 99?
Al, we have been talking
about this for two days.
You never listen to me.
Well, why would I? Got a TV.
I know.
It's the only thing you've
turned on in 20 years.
Well, if you came with a
remote and mute button,
I might turn you on,
too, every now and then.
Now, listen to me, Peg. I
gotta be there opening night.
You know who's gonna be there?
Johnny Bench, Ernie
Banks and Joe Namath.
Yawn, gag and snore.
- Now, listen here, Peg.
- No, no, no, Al.
You listen to me.
Now, you weren't there
when Kelly was born,
you weren't there
when Bud was born.
I don't think you were even
there when they were conceived.
Now, this play is
important to me,
and you will be there.
Do I even have to open my mouth?
Nope, nope, I'm
there movin' on up
to the east side, the west side,
all around the town.
Fine. Now that that's settled,
let's go buy some clothes!
Oh, you're right, we must
accessorize for the theater.
♪ Fish don't fry
in the kitchen ♪
♪ Feet don't burn on the grill ♪
God, how sad.
Anyway, Dad, I just
heard the sports bar
is opening the same night
as The Jeffersons' tour.
Which one are you going to?
Kids...
you wanna do old Dad a
favor before he kills you?
You know they call
Chicago "the second city"
because we're supposed
to be inferior to New York,
but with theater like this,
we have nothing
to be ashamed of.
Let's open our Movin'
On Up souvenir bags.
We can use them when our
dinner starts movin' on up.
Okay, Al, who am I?
Patrick Ewing?
No, you philistine.
I'm Weezie!
Well, I'm woozy.
Ladies and gentlemen,
a brief announcement
before our show starts.
Tonight the role of
Ralph the doorman
will be played by Erik Estrada.
Well, he was Ponch!
There go the lights.
You know what we have to do.
Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for the Jeffersons!
Look at this, Jefferson.
Every sport known to man.
Baseball, football...
girls in bikinis
wrestling in lettuce.
Jefferson, if I thought
heaven was like this,
I'd have put a bullet
in my brain years ago.
If I thought you had a
chance in hell of getting in,
I'd do it for you, buddy.
Thanks, man. I love you.
Al, Al.
Over there. It's Ernie Banks!
Gotta get a picture with him!
Wait a second, Jefferson.
You can't just go up to
Mr. Cub and drool all over him.
That's a... that's a
legend, a Hall of Famer.
You gotta respect his privacy.
Shoot it, damn it!
I'm blind!
You hit 512 homers.
Imagine how good
you'd be if you could see.
We're just kidding,
Ernie. You okay?
Yeah, I guess.
Shoot, Al!
- Ernie Banks!
- Thanks, pal.
Can't see!
What a great guy.
Officer Dan.
Let me guess. Jeffersons Live.
I would have been here sooner,
but my kids showed up late.
Okay, watch this, Al.
Now, Florence is
gonna hold up a jockstrap
and say, "What's that?"
And then George is
gonna say, "That's my cup."
And she's gonna say,
"How the heck you
gonna drink outta that?"
What's that?
Oh, that's my cup.
How the heck you
gonna drink out of that?
And you wanted to
go to a sports bar!
Hey, where's the guy
who says "dynomite"?
No, that's the other show...
Gimme A Stroke.
This is the lowest thing
that I have ever done.
Okay, the lowest thing
I've ever been paid to do.
Okay, the lowest thing
I've ever been paid to do
that I didn't enjoy.
If you ask me, the Willises
were way ahead of their time.
Mmm, your hands
are moist like mine.
But then watching The
Jeffersons always made me horny.
What say the next
time the scenes change
and the lights go out, we...
What's wrong with women?
Don't they know
what real fun is?
I know what you mean.
Check out Shaquille's foot.
The size of it alone
is better than anything
the Jeffersons have ever done.
Yeah, and look at that
massive hand imprint.
Whose is it? Wilt Chamberlain's?
Hmm... Martina Navratilova.
You know what they
say about big hands?
Johnny Bench!
Quick!
Get a picture!
It's okay. He never
won a pennant.
Or scored four touchdowns
in a single game, uh, John?
Who is that guy?
How do I know? I'm blind.
You know, Al, we
never settled our little bet
about who was in the
first light beer commercial.
There must be
somebody around here
that knows it was Billy Martin.
You mean there must
be somebody around here
that knows it was Bubba Smith.
Wait a second. I
know just who to ask.
Yo, barkeep!
Joe Namath!
Gimme the camera!
I'm blind!
Uh, Joe.
Joe, I've followed your
career from Alabama
to Super Bowl Three to that
pain ointment thing you do now.
Thanks.
- You a shoe salesman?
- Yeah.
Told ya.
You know, Joe, I got
just one question for you.
Oh, I know, I know.
Did I really believe
I'd win the Super Bowl?
Uh, no, no.
Who was in the first
light beer commercial?
Who cares?
See? He said Bubba.
It was Billy.
I couldn't help
overhearing you two,
and after sucking
down 20 cold ones
and a couple of warm ones,
my memory and my
bladder have been jogged.
It was Bubba Smith.
Thank you!
And that's the law talking!
It was Billy Martin, I know
because I have it on tape.
It was Bubba Smith because I
don't know anything except that.
Billy Martin.
Bubba Smith!
- Billy Martin!
- Bubba Smith!
Billy Martin! Bubba
Smith! Billy Martin!
I cannot believe
this actually worked.
Mom was so convinced I was Dad,
she picked my pocket
during the show.
What are you complaining about?
At least you
didn't get a hickey.
Billy Martin! Bubba Smith!
Billy Martin! Bubba Smith!
Fellas, fellas!
Now, what are we fighting about?
Here we are in the
playground of the gods.
We got bimbos on the tube,
we got the law on the floor,
we got sugar on our nuts...
and we got our wives
at The Jeffersons.
Who gives a rat's patoot
who was in the first
light beer commercial?
He's right!
Yeah!
Especially since we all
know it was Bubba Smith.
Sometimes I wish I
was back in the game
where it's safe.
You left the game?
Two years after my knees did.
Watch it now! Watch it now!
- Billy Martin.
- Bubba Smith.
- Billy Martin.
- Bubba Smith.
Jefferson, watch my camera!
I got it, Al!
You have the right to remain...
unconscious.
I'll kill ya! I'm gonna kill ya!
Well, did you learn your lesson?
We have.
It was a pretty good sports
trivia bar fight though, eh, buddy?
The best.
Gimme five.
On second thought,
gimme one five times.
Ow ow ow ow ow.
Well, boys, we'll see
you in about a week.
We're going to see the Movin'
On Up tour in Milwaukee.
Yeah, we bought a See America
with the Jeffersons rail pass.
It includes transportation,
theater tickets,
and a box lunch
with both Lionels.
Can we get you
anything before we go?
As a matter of fact,
my pain medicine...
Gotta run! See ya later!
Oh, well, at least they're gone.
We've got a game on the tube.
And now, stay
tuned for our 24-hour
Jeffersons marathon,
starting with "The
Jeffersons Go To Hawaii."
Hey, now, kids! Hey, now!
Change the channel here!
♪ ...to a deluxe
apartment in the sky ♪
Oh, my God! It's
Weezie in a bathing suit!
Oh, it must have been
decomposing down here for months!
What are we gonna do
with it when he gets it out?
Well, I guess we'll
just say a prayer,
and flush it down the toilet,
like we did when
your goldfish died.
Okay, back, people! Back!
Now gimme some
room! Gimme some room!
Oh!
God, it stinks!
Did you find his other
bowling shoe down there?
No, just the eyelets.
I'm gonna go throw this
thing in the backyard.
That's a good idea, honey.
Just put it out
with Buck's house.
You know how he
likes to roll around
with your father's old things.
Well, I guess he's not finished
with your father's
home-of-the-whopper jockey shorts.
Oh, Peg, I got 'em.
Third row, center aisle.
The best seats in the house
for the greatest show on earth!
What? Public Enemy?
Nirvana?
Carla and her
disappearing vegetables?
I... I... I mean,
the rock group.
Not the blond stripper
who's making a squash
disappear for Thanksgiving.
No, pig-in-training.
These are tickets to
The Jeffersons live.
It's their Moving On Up tour!
Oh, is The Facts of Life
Eating On Up tour all sold out?
Oh, Marcy, I can't believe it.
We are actually gonna see
George and Weezie perform
episodes from their
sitcom live on stage!
Now, when you say "live," do you
mean "live" as opposed to "on TV"
or "live" as opposed to Daddy?
Look, we are talking
about The Jeffersons.
They made me understand the
greatness of the African-American culture.
I used to think I was
a hip white chick.
Then I saw George and
Weezie and they made me realize
that I'm just a square honky
peg in a round black world.
Whoa.
Well, I guess I can relate.
I mean, if Beavis and Butthead
did a live show 90 years
from now, I'd be there.
Kelly, Beavis and
Butthead are cartoons.
They preferred to be called
"dimensionally challenged," Bud.
- Why do I feel so alone?
- Because no one likes you.
Peg!
Peg, I got good news.
So do we!
No one cares.
Peg, I just heard
they're opening up
a brand-new sports
bar in the neighborhood.
Finally, a place a man
can relax after work.
What about home?
Finally, a place a man
can relax after work.
A place where
women bring you food.
Chips and pretzels,
nuts with sugar on 'em.
Al, you haven't even asked
us about our good news.
Oh, I'm sorry, Peg, what is it?
- You see, we got four...
- Another thing they're
gonna have at the bar,
twelve TV's, each with
a different game on.
Oh, Peg, I tell ya, I'm so hot,
If Marcy wasn't here, I'd
take you on the floor right now.
Get out, Marcy.
Never mind. The mood has passed.
Well, all I can say is I'm
glad my man is evolved
to the point where he doesn't
need a sports bar to go to.
Hey, Al!
Did you hear about
the new sports bar?
Sure did!
Ickey shuffle!
Did you hear they're gonna have
a pair of Ali's
gloves on display?
Yes, I did. And Mantle's spikes.
Plus Michael Jordan's putter.
Yes, but are they gonna
have the actual door
that George Jefferson
slammed in the Willis' face?
Speaking of Michael Jordan,
I bet you don't know who
was picked ahead of him
in the 1984 NBA draft?
Sam Bowie, went
to the Trail Blazers.
Good call, buddy!
All right, Al, I
got one for you.
When was the last time the
Cubs won the World Series?
1908.
And you can't remember
the year we were married.
Same year, 1908.
Only difference is
baseball's still interesting.
Well, maybe that's because they
score more than once a season.
Okay, Al.
I've got one that's
gonna stump you.
All right, who was in the very
first light beer commercial?
No problem, you're talking
beer, you're talking my language.
You're talking beer,
you're talking his belly.
Why do I have an
uncontrollable urge to play T-ball?
The answer is Bubba Smith.
- No, Billy Martin.
- Bubba Smith.
Wore a blue sports shirt
with a penguin on the pocket.
Hey, Al, what was I
wearing the day you met me?
Too much make-up.
- It was Billy Martin.
- Bubba Smith.
- Bubba...
- Billy...
- Bubba!
- Billy!
- Bubba!
- Billy!
- Bubba!
- Billy!
Hello, Bureau of Alcohol,
Tobacco and Firearms?
Yeah, I have an
alcohol question.
Who was in the first
light beer commercial?
I say...
No, I say it was Bubba Smith,
but my friend here
says it was... hello?
Hello?
They said it was Bubba.
- Billy.
- Bubba.
- Billy.
- Billy.
- Bubba.
- Aha!
That's no fair; you stole
that from Bugs Bunny.
- Daffy.
- Bugs.
- Daffy!
- Bugs!
- Daffy!
- Bugs!
Hey, hey!
Why are you two
introducing yourselves
to each other?
You guys have been
doing this for two days.
We demand you pay
us some attention.
- Bubba.
- Billy.
You know what we can do?
We can asked them Friday night at
the grand opening of the sports bar.
Yeah, great!
Friday?
Friday night is our play.
What play?
The Jeffersons'
Movin' On Up Tour.
What are they movin'
on up to, channel 99?
Al, we have been talking
about this for two days.
You never listen to me.
Well, why would I? Got a TV.
I know.
It's the only thing you've
turned on in 20 years.
Well, if you came with a
remote and mute button,
I might turn you on,
too, every now and then.
Now, listen to me, Peg. I
gotta be there opening night.
You know who's gonna be there?
Johnny Bench, Ernie
Banks and Joe Namath.
Yawn, gag and snore.
- Now, listen here, Peg.
- No, no, no, Al.
You listen to me.
Now, you weren't there
when Kelly was born,
you weren't there
when Bud was born.
I don't think you were even
there when they were conceived.
Now, this play is
important to me,
and you will be there.
Do I even have to open my mouth?
Nope, nope, I'm
there movin' on up
to the east side, the west side,
all around the town.
Fine. Now that that's settled,
let's go buy some clothes!
Oh, you're right, we must
accessorize for the theater.
♪ Fish don't fry
in the kitchen ♪
♪ Feet don't burn on the grill ♪
God, how sad.
Anyway, Dad, I just
heard the sports bar
is opening the same night
as The Jeffersons' tour.
Which one are you going to?
Kids...
you wanna do old Dad a
favor before he kills you?
You know they call
Chicago "the second city"
because we're supposed
to be inferior to New York,
but with theater like this,
we have nothing
to be ashamed of.
Let's open our Movin'
On Up souvenir bags.
We can use them when our
dinner starts movin' on up.
Okay, Al, who am I?
Patrick Ewing?
No, you philistine.
I'm Weezie!
Well, I'm woozy.
Ladies and gentlemen,
a brief announcement
before our show starts.
Tonight the role of
Ralph the doorman
will be played by Erik Estrada.
Well, he was Ponch!
There go the lights.
You know what we have to do.
Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for the Jeffersons!
Look at this, Jefferson.
Every sport known to man.
Baseball, football...
girls in bikinis
wrestling in lettuce.
Jefferson, if I thought
heaven was like this,
I'd have put a bullet
in my brain years ago.
If I thought you had a
chance in hell of getting in,
I'd do it for you, buddy.
Thanks, man. I love you.
Al, Al.
Over there. It's Ernie Banks!
Gotta get a picture with him!
Wait a second, Jefferson.
You can't just go up to
Mr. Cub and drool all over him.
That's a... that's a
legend, a Hall of Famer.
You gotta respect his privacy.
Shoot it, damn it!
I'm blind!
You hit 512 homers.
Imagine how good
you'd be if you could see.
We're just kidding,
Ernie. You okay?
Yeah, I guess.
Shoot, Al!
- Ernie Banks!
- Thanks, pal.
Can't see!
What a great guy.
Officer Dan.
Let me guess. Jeffersons Live.
I would have been here sooner,
but my kids showed up late.
Okay, watch this, Al.
Now, Florence is
gonna hold up a jockstrap
and say, "What's that?"
And then George is
gonna say, "That's my cup."
And she's gonna say,
"How the heck you
gonna drink outta that?"
What's that?
Oh, that's my cup.
How the heck you
gonna drink out of that?
And you wanted to
go to a sports bar!
Hey, where's the guy
who says "dynomite"?
No, that's the other show...
Gimme A Stroke.
This is the lowest thing
that I have ever done.
Okay, the lowest thing
I've ever been paid to do.
Okay, the lowest thing
I've ever been paid to do
that I didn't enjoy.
If you ask me, the Willises
were way ahead of their time.
Mmm, your hands
are moist like mine.
But then watching The
Jeffersons always made me horny.
What say the next
time the scenes change
and the lights go out, we...
What's wrong with women?
Don't they know
what real fun is?
I know what you mean.
Check out Shaquille's foot.
The size of it alone
is better than anything
the Jeffersons have ever done.
Yeah, and look at that
massive hand imprint.
Whose is it? Wilt Chamberlain's?
Hmm... Martina Navratilova.
You know what they
say about big hands?
Johnny Bench!
Quick!
Get a picture!
It's okay. He never
won a pennant.
Or scored four touchdowns
in a single game, uh, John?
Who is that guy?
How do I know? I'm blind.
You know, Al, we
never settled our little bet
about who was in the
first light beer commercial.
There must be
somebody around here
that knows it was Billy Martin.
You mean there must
be somebody around here
that knows it was Bubba Smith.
Wait a second. I
know just who to ask.
Yo, barkeep!
Joe Namath!
Gimme the camera!
I'm blind!
Uh, Joe.
Joe, I've followed your
career from Alabama
to Super Bowl Three to that
pain ointment thing you do now.
Thanks.
- You a shoe salesman?
- Yeah.
Told ya.
You know, Joe, I got
just one question for you.
Oh, I know, I know.
Did I really believe
I'd win the Super Bowl?
Uh, no, no.
Who was in the first
light beer commercial?
Who cares?
See? He said Bubba.
It was Billy.
I couldn't help
overhearing you two,
and after sucking
down 20 cold ones
and a couple of warm ones,
my memory and my
bladder have been jogged.
It was Bubba Smith.
Thank you!
And that's the law talking!
It was Billy Martin, I know
because I have it on tape.
It was Bubba Smith because I
don't know anything except that.
Billy Martin.
Bubba Smith!
- Billy Martin!
- Bubba Smith!
Billy Martin! Bubba
Smith! Billy Martin!
I cannot believe
this actually worked.
Mom was so convinced I was Dad,
she picked my pocket
during the show.
What are you complaining about?
At least you
didn't get a hickey.
Billy Martin! Bubba Smith!
Billy Martin! Bubba Smith!
Fellas, fellas!
Now, what are we fighting about?
Here we are in the
playground of the gods.
We got bimbos on the tube,
we got the law on the floor,
we got sugar on our nuts...
and we got our wives
at The Jeffersons.
Who gives a rat's patoot
who was in the first
light beer commercial?
He's right!
Yeah!
Especially since we all
know it was Bubba Smith.
Sometimes I wish I
was back in the game
where it's safe.
You left the game?
Two years after my knees did.
Watch it now! Watch it now!
- Billy Martin.
- Bubba Smith.
- Billy Martin.
- Bubba Smith.
Jefferson, watch my camera!
I got it, Al!
You have the right to remain...
unconscious.
I'll kill ya! I'm gonna kill ya!
Well, did you learn your lesson?
We have.
It was a pretty good sports
trivia bar fight though, eh, buddy?
The best.
Gimme five.
On second thought,
gimme one five times.
Ow ow ow ow ow.
Well, boys, we'll see
you in about a week.
We're going to see the Movin'
On Up tour in Milwaukee.
Yeah, we bought a See America
with the Jeffersons rail pass.
It includes transportation,
theater tickets,
and a box lunch
with both Lionels.
Can we get you
anything before we go?
As a matter of fact,
my pain medicine...
Gotta run! See ya later!
Oh, well, at least they're gone.
We've got a game on the tube.
And now, stay
tuned for our 24-hour
Jeffersons marathon,
starting with "The
Jeffersons Go To Hawaii."
Hey, now, kids! Hey, now!
Change the channel here!
♪ ...to a deluxe
apartment in the sky ♪
Oh, my God! It's
Weezie in a bathing suit!