Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 8, Episode 1 - A Tisket, a Tasket, Can Peg Make a Basket? - full transcript

And in science
news, researchers say

it may be true that
after several years,

dogs and their masters
begin to look alike.

Yeah, right.

Hi, son.

Um, over here, Mom.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

Anyhow, your father
will be home soon

and he'll be looking for dinner.

Tell him I hope he finds it.

I'm just going over to Marcy's.



But Mom, you'll miss
Dad's latest episode

of "a fat woman came
into the shoe store today."

Actually, I already
know how it ends.

He doesn't get
the sale or a life.

Peg.

Bud.

Uh, over here, Dad.

Oh!

I'm sorry, son.

Guess what happened
today at the shoe store?

Did a fat woman come in?

Enormous.

Wow! That was a spine tingler.

Much better than yesterday's...



"a fat woman walked
past the shoe store."

Oh, I'm sorry, Peg.

I must have forgot my manners.

How'd you do at work today?

I see.

This woman comes
in, and she is so fat,

she actually has
three smaller women

orbiting around her.

So I'm trying to force

a pair of size 13 shoes
on her Jurassic feet...

when she says to me that
her husband just left her.

Ah! The plot thins.

Pardon me, son. Let's hear
about your day at work today.

Hmm... That's interesting.

So anyway, this fat
woman is telling me

about how her husband left her,

and she reaches into her purse,

moves aside the pastrami sub,

and produces two
$500 courtside tickets

to tonight's All-Star
charity basketball game.

You mean the one to send

over-privileged white
kids to basketball camp?

Hands Across The Suburbs?

She gave you these tickets?

Sold them to me,
son, for a dollar apiece,

which I didn't have, and
Peg, thank you for that,

but which I was able to
borrow at the mall fountain,

and the... charity mint box.

So Jerry Lewis can't afford
Rip Taylor this Labor Day.

Now, it's just a
matter of who I go with.

- Well...
- No. And it's not

'cause I don't love
you like a son, Buck.

Bud.

Whatever.

See, son, it's just that
you can do nothing for me.

See, these are power seats.

I need to talk to
somebody with influence.

I wonder what the doorman

at the nudie bar's
doing tonight.

Well, it's fall.

Maybe he's taking his shower.

Call him, Bud,
he's on speed dial,

listed under Grandma.

Peggy.

Do I have the most
romantic husband or what?

Guess where he's
taking me tonight.

On the kitchen table?

Better.

He's taking me to see

the Captain and
Tenille Unplugged.

Gee, you woulda thought

somebody woulda
plugged them by now.

It's their big reunion concert.

Guess who's opening for them?

The Carpenter?

You saw it in the paper.

Yeah, these reunion
concerts are great.

They stir memories of
the good times you had

with the woman
you've always loved,

and the great times you had
with the women you barely knew.

I honestly can't
think of another place

I'd rather be tonight.

Please take me, Al. Please!

Please!

What are those tickets to?

Basketball.

What a snore.

Well, it may not have the
same gripping excitement

of "My Daddy Saw My
Behind" on Oprah week, but...

it gives me a reason to live.

I want a reason,
too, Al. What'll it take?

What have you got?

Marcy's Discover card.

I'm over the limit on her Visa.

You're gonna be over the limit

on your health
insurance deductible,

if we're not arm-in-arm singing
Muskrat Love in a couple of hours.

I can't go, Al.

I didn't invite you.

Al, how come we
never go to concerts?

It's because we don't
like the same people.

For instance, you like you.

But Peg, Peg, I can
promise you the day they put

Captain and Tenille on
a life support's system

we'll be among the first
to see them unplugged.

Well, if we didn't
need them for sex,

they'd make great compost.

Well, in that case, you
can grind mine up right now.

Oh, Al, what is the
big deal about going

to a basketball game anyway?

I mean, you watch
it on TV all the time.

Because, Peg, there's nothing
like being there in person.

Besides, this All-Star
Game is a once-a-year thing.

I mean, it
transcends basketball,

it's limos...

- It's bright lights.
- Celebrities.

Celebrities?

There's gonna be celebrities?

Uh, no, Peg, I
meant, uh, celeries.

Celeries is the official
vegetable of the NBA.

Oh. Al, I think I
wanna go to this game.

Oh, Peg, can't go.

Uh, Achmed the doorman is going.

Dad, Achmed can't make it.

It's Silicone Madness
Night at the nudie bar.

Tonight? Damn!

Well, then, it's
settled. I'm going.

You can't, Peg,
there's a league rule.

No women allowed.

I'm gonna be late.

I'm going to the
All-Star game tonight.

Wait a second.

How did you get a ticket?

I don't need a ticket.

I'm young, available
and I look like this.

Kell, Kell.

When are you gonna give up?

I mean, every year, you try
to marry a basketball player,

and every year
you just get older,

and another crop
of girls turn 18.

I mean, pretty soon you're gonna
be girding your loose loins in leather,

and sitting in the pathetically
past-their-prime section with Dyan Cannon.

Ho ho, pimple-stiltskin.

Oh, by the way, the
Eagle Scouts called.

Your merit badge
in celibacy came in.

Well, if I'm not back tonight,

then my mission
was accomplished,

and you may forever refer
to me as Mrs. Vlade Divac.

So, Al...

what do you think I should
wear to the game tonight?

Ha ha ha ha.

Peg, you can wear your robe

and your bon-bon
bib for all I care,

because you're absolutely,
positively staying home!

Now isn't this fun?

Look, Al, it's my very own

Patrick Ewing groin pull doll.

That's nice, Peg. At least you
won't be doing that to me now.

Now, listen, it's the first
time you've been to a game,

so let me explain
the rules of basketball.

Rule number one...

no talking.

And when you break rule
number one, and you will,

there's rule number two,
which is, if I look at pretty girls

walking up and down
the aisles, and I will...

you can't say, "Are
they prettier than me?"

Always know the answer will be,

"Yes, she is," and in
some cases, "Yes, he is."

I'm sorry, honey. I
was pulling on Patrick.

Did you say something?

Not a word.

All, please rise.

Tonight, singing
our national anthem

is Miss Tina Turner!

♪ Oh, say, can you see ♪

There's more to see than this.

♪ By the dawn's early light ♪

But you'd be too
tired to wake up.

♪ What so proudly we hail ♪

Who wrote this song?

Hey, Al, doesn't that
look like it could be...

Shut up, Peg!

At least it's better
than Roseanne.

♪ And the home of the brave ♪

Call me, Vlade!

And that concludes
tonight's national anthem.

And now, it's time to
meet your NBA All-Stars...

and Danny Ainge.

Al, I have to go
to the bathroom.

Come on, Al, I want
you to go with me.

Why?

To keep the men
from leering at me.

Peg, they're not leering at
you. They're laughing at me.

Honey, I really have to go.

Oh, all right, Peg, but I don't
wanna miss the start of the game.

I promise you won't. Come
on, hurry. We'll be quick.

What a game!

That was the most exciting
quarter-and-a-half of basketball

I've ever seen.

Not nearly as exciting as
me almost getting arrested

for loitering in front
of the ladies' room.

You know I told you about putting
your hands down your pants in public.

Well, it's the only fun I've
had in this game so far, Peg.

Now, what I'd like to do

is watch the rest of
it in complete, total,

and uninterrupted silence, okay?

Hey, Riley! Nice hair!

What, are you
using 30-weight now?

Hey, Barkley! You're
playing like a virgin!

Al, you're being obnoxious!

You're supposed to act
like that at a ball game, Peg.

The players love it.

It shows you
appreciate the sport.

Oh.

Hay, baldy!

Are you a real player or did
Sinead O'Connor get a tan?

No, that's the wrong guy, Peg.

That's Xavier McDaniel.
They call him the X Man.

He's comin' this way,
Peg. You don't know me.

Excuse me,

but I couldn't help but
overhear your little witticism.

Oh, he made me say it.

My mistake.

Oh, you know, Mr. X, I
might leave him alone.

He played high school football.

Didn't hear it from me. You'll be
leavin' the game on a stretcher.

Hey, couldn't we start
things off as friends?

Could you help me get
Shaquille O'Neal's autograph?

You know, it is better
bein' here in person.

That's the end of the first half

with the score tied at 81-81!

Ah, that's good. I...

came to at just the right time.

Hey, Al, could you
change seats with me?

I can't see.

You can't see what,
Peg? It's half time!

Yeah, but I think that's
Joe Piscapo over there.

Peg, that's an usher.

Wait a second,
that is Joe Piscapo!

Oh, come on, honey.
Change seats with me.

I won't ask you for
another thing, I promise.

Come on.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen,

it's time to play basket-o-cash.

Some lucky fan will get a chance

to shoot from
the free throw line

for $10,000!

And tonight's lucky
contestant is sitting in section 8,

row B, seat two!

Ah! That's me!

That's me!

Uh, it's me, it's you!

Congratulations,
Miss. Right this way.

Wait, sir, see, she's
not me, I'm her.

See, that was my
seat, we switched.

- Tell him, Peg.
- It's me, it's me!

That's not fair, she doesn't have a
chance in hell of making the shot.

That's the way we
like it. Right this way.

Come on. Let's go.

And now, the
precision choreography

of our own all-star
cheerleaders!

♪ Whoomp, there it is! ♪

♪ Whoomp, there it is! ♪

♪ Whoomp, there it is! ♪

♪ Whoomp, there it is! ♪

♪ Whoomp, there it is! ♪

♪ Whoomp, there it is! ♪

♪ Come on, sexy,
get on the floor ♪

♪ Work that thang
till it works no more ♪

♪ Shake it just
like a salt shaker ♪

♪ Ya gotta work that
big money maker ♪

♪ If you wanna get paid ♪

♪ You better sland that
big ol' thang on the stage ♪

♪ Make the fellas go wild ♪

♪ Work that thang like
it's goin' outta style ♪

♪ 'Cause ya look so cute ♪

♪ With ya long boots
and ya g-string suit ♪

♪ Get on stage
and work that cat ♪

♪ Hey yo, fellas,
where the booty at? ♪

♪ Whoomp, there it is! ♪

♪ Whoomp, there it is! ♪

♪ Whoomp, there it is! ♪

♪ Whoomp, there it is! ♪

♪ Whoomp, there it is! ♪

Hi, Vlade.

My name's Kelly.

I can make you very happy.

You can show me
how to set my VCR?

If necessary.

There's my phone number.

There's only six numbers.

Well, come on, I'm not easy.

Oh, no...

Call me, okay?

We can make it happen.

♪ Whoomp, there it is! ♪

♪ Whoomp, there it is! ♪

Okay, Ms. Bundy, we'll be
shooting in about five minutes.

Here are the rules: you get
one shot from the free throw line.

Make it and you win $10,000.

Sounds easy.

- Any questions?
- Yeah, just one.

What's a free throw line?

Don't spend it all in one place.

She'll be ready, wise guy.

Peg, shave your head, give
me your hair, I'm taking the shot.

Don't be ridiculous, Al!

I'm sure that if I practice,

I can be just as good as
that Smoking Joe Louis,

or any of those
other quarterbacks.

Another slow day, eh, God?

Okay, now, look, Peg.

Now, pretend
that I'm the basket.

Oh, I don't know, honey.

I've pretended
you're a lot of things,

a cowboy, a knight, Mr. T, dead,

but a basket...

Peg, concentrate.

This is $10,000!

Do you know what I
could do with $10,000?

Take 10,000 trips
to the nudie bar?

No, Peg, just one great one.

Oh, come on.

All right, now,

relax, take aim,
bend your knees,

and let the ball roll
slowly off your fingertips.

Perhaps I didn't make
myself clear the first time.

Uh? Uh? Uh?

Whoa, whoa, Peg!

NBA action...

is fan-tastic.

And now it's time to play

basket-o-cash.

Tonight's lucky
contestant is a woman!

From Chicago, Miss Peg Bundy!

Miss Bundy says she's
married to a successful doctor,

and not to Al Bundy,
the shoe salesman.

And now presenting
the basket-o-cash ball,

a starting guard for the
Portland Trail Blazers,

and proud member of
America's Olympic Dream Team,

Clyde the Glide Drexler.

You know, anyone can do that.

I have to make it from here.

Don't worry about it.

Just think of the line from
that famous commercial.

Oh, you mean, "just do it"?

Well, no, I was thinking,
"leggo my eggo."

But yours is better.

Okay, good luck, Ms. Bundy.

Don't be nervous!

$10,000 riding on this shot!

10,000 people rooting for you!

Or against you!

Ten... ohh!

Go ahead and shoot it, baby.

The court's all yours, Peg.

$10,000.

Gee, I wonder if I could
get a cheerleader for that.

$10,000.

Gee, wonder if I could
get a player for that.

Hey, if we'd had
her instead of Ainge,

we'd have won the championship.

Now, now, Peg, that's all right.

You gave it your best shot.

You're not disappointed, Al?

Disappointed, Peg?

It's the only way it could be.

I wanted it, I needed
it, I deserved it.

How else could it
have turned out?

Then it's your fault.

From the minute I said "I do."

You know, honey, I'm
really sorry about the money.

I guess basketball's
just not my game, huh?

Yeah, I guess not, Peg.

C'mon, sweetheart, let's go.

Okay.