Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 7, Episode 6 - Frat Chance - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Okay.

Time for breakfast.

[LAUGHS]

Ooh.

It's one for you,

one for you,

and one for me.

I got an orange star.

Hey, my yellow moon's
nothing to scoff at.

[LAUGHS]



No milk?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

[LAUGHS]

What is breakfast

without some nice, cold milk?

Mm. Milk residue.

Why hold back?

Breakfast is the
most important meal

of the day.

Let us give thanks.

The pancakes, eggs
and steak were delicious.

But I couldn't finish my bacon.

Yours looks delicious.

[LAUGHS]



You know, it's really
a shame to waste

this nice, beautiful
piece of bacon. Heh.

I love you both so much
I'm not sure who to give it to.

Please, Peg, give it to
me. Give it to me. Me. Me.

I know who I love the best.

[GIGGLES]

Come here, baby.

Well, gee, what
was that for, honey?

I want that damn bacon.

Now, open your
mouth. I'm going in.

It's mine, now.

No, it's magically
delicious, Daddy.

Hey, it's lucky. I need
the luck. I'm starving.

Yeah, but you just
ate Mom's breath.

I don't care.

Hey, breakfast.

Bud.

Very nice.

I know what you're all thinking.

Bud got all the brains
and the looks in the family.

What does he need food for?

Well, when I get my degree,

from an accredited
community college,

I might add,

I'll be the one with the
Lucky Charms, my friends,

and I'll be eating them out
of Miss January's bra cups.

Here's to the future.

How many times do I
have to tell you people?

When you're through
with the milk, fill it up again.

Did they ever find
this Lindbergh kid?

See, how hard is that? Now
we have milk for tomorrow.

You'd starve if
it wasn't for me.

[SNIFFS]

Did something die in here?

That would be me.

It's my new cologne.

My own secret little recipe.

I call it A Touch of Bud.

Yeah, well, if anyone knew
what a touch of Bud was,

it could only be you.

[ALL LAUGHING]

And nobody does it better.

Sniff it, baby. Drink it in.

I went to the school library,

I got Vogue, Sassy,
Seventeen, Lear's

and several other
fine periodicals,

and I cut out those
little fragrance inserts,

and voilà.

Bud, those are women's scents.

That's why I feel bold,
sassy, yet feminine.

This year, I'm
gonna get me a babe.

[ALL LAUGHING]

All right now, that's enough.

Soon he'll know
we're laughing at him,

not with him.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Why does no one believe
this year's gonna be different?

Oh, come on, Bud.

Every year you come
up with a different plan.

And every plan always ends
up with you going to the prom

with a sweater, putting it
on the back of the chair,

and telling people, "My
date's in the bathroom."

I know that sweater.

I used to see it sitting
next to him at the movies.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Remember that time he brought
the sweater home for dinner?

And Daddy kept getting
so angry 'cause it wouldn't

come out of the bathroom.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

Very nice.

Now you two have
made him feel bad.

Well, all right, I'll take
him out for some ice cream.

This is not a boo-boo.

Ice cream won't do it.

I want a woman.

And "taking him for ice
cream" does not mean

going to Baskin Robbins,

letting me look at the flavors

and then taking me home.

Well, this time maybe I'll
get you some free samples

with that little plastic spoon.

I want a cone, damn it.

And a girl.

You hear? A girl, a girl!

Ah, that's right, Bud's
starting his sophomore year.

Ah, then it must be
time for him to say:

"This year's
gonna be different,"

eh, Bud?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

It is. As God is my witness,

this year there will be a
real girl in the bathroom.

And her sweater will
smell like real girl too.

Not Grandma.

Well, Peggy, I see that
your son is having a crisis.

But do you have a
second to help me out?

Sure.

Would you let Al go away
on a fraternity reunion?

You know, there is a question

that comes up every day.

Why, so many of
Al's college clubs

and professional societies

call him up to lecture,

or just inspire the young.

[CHUCKLES]

So when Phi Beta
Crapper calls...

Oh, you know what?

That's right,

Al didn't go to college.

What was it you
chose instead, honey?

Selling shoes.

[CHUCKLES]

And nobody does it better, baby.

Except everyone
else who does it.

[LAUGHS BITTERLY]

Gee, Peg, I don't regret
not having gone to college,

because after all, then I
might not have married you.

Then what would've become of me?

I would probably just lived a...

An empty, meaningless existence,

ordering hookers and pizza

till I dropped dead...

with a slice in my mouth

and a greasy hooter in my hand.

Hey, that's amazing.

You just described the
theme of our frat reunion party.

You're not going.

Oh, come on, Marcy.
It's just good, clean fun.

A bunch of drunken
guys looking at strippers.

And thinking of our wives.

Please.

Save your lies
for those who think

you're a natural blond.

Don't you think I know
anything about fraternities?

Desperate girls,
coming from everywhere,

trying anything to
land a college man

before he becomes successful

and realizes he can get a
much better and bustier girl.

Not that it wasn't fun for me.

Doing anything with anybody.

My once demure dress

lying ripped and forgotten.

As forgotten as I was
when the sun came up.

Jim, you bastard! Why
don't you return my calls?

That was just a composite

of other women's stories.

Well, you know, your
girlfriends are pretty accurate.

There is not a girl on Earth

that wouldn't do it
for a fraternity guy.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, and then after
an incredible night,

go back to your high
school sweetheart,

tell him he's the only
one and plan the wedding.

[CHUCKLES]

Al, I was talking
about my friends.

You're the only one, baby.

You too, baby.

All right, sure. There...

There were girls,
but that wasn't

the only part of a fraternity.

There's so much more.

No, actually, that was it.

That's it.

That's what I'm gonna do.

What? Get a
picture of Mr. D'Arcy

pasted to your face

and wear it to school?

[ALL LAUGHING]

No, human hand wash.

I'm gonna start me a fraternity.

And not just any fraternity.

The coolest fraternity
any community college

has ever seen.

We'll have so many college girls

Woody Allen will be
knocking down our door.

Yeah. A fraternity.

And we're just gonna take
the cream of the school.

Well, we're all here.

Cream of the
school, right, guys?

I'd like to welcome all you
members to the first meeting

of Alpha Gonna
Get 'Em fraternity.

Remember our motto:

ALL: Lookie, lookie,

we're gonna get some nookie.

We'll do good on our tests

so we'll feel some breasts.

Now, brothers, if
we can all join hands

for the Alpha Gonna
Get 'Em secret salute.

ALL: Honk, honk.

Hi, Dad.

Um, we're having sort of
a secret ceremony here.

Not secret enough, son.

Now, Bud,

remember when I told you
that if you ever had any problem

you could come to
your mother and I

and talk about it?

Well, now please don't.

Uh, it's a Greek thing, Dad.
Yeah, I know all about that.

The old guy knocked
over our frat table.

I have seen him many times

in my neighborhood
convenience store

looking at nudie magazines.

He howls like a wolf

and pinches the paper bazoombas.

Gee, I don't know if
there's gonna be much room

for us and the babes

with your father's
car in our frat house.

Mr. President, you promised us

we would be cool
in a cool place.

Well, I'll tell you this.

I don't feel cool, my friend.

I think I speak for
us all when I say:

I feel like pulling up my
pants and going home.

Gee, maybe we should
all just forget this fraternity

and do what my dad does:

Stand underneath escalators

and look up the
dresses of fat women.

Nobody goes anywhere.

You know why? Because
I'm gonna get us chicks.

How?

Toga party, baby.

If you think we look cool now,

wait till the chicks get
a load of us in sheets.

We will be as attractive
to women as my idol,

the great Barry Manilow.

Now, that's the spirit

that made our convenience
stores great, Ahmed.

Guys, you can bet your virginity

this is the last time
you'll be honking air.

ALL: Honk, honk.

Honk, honk.

So, what movie
would we like to see?

Why do we have to go out, Peg?

Isn't it enough I know
I'm married to you?

Do we have to tell
the whole world?

Oh, here's something
we could all enjoy.

A fine foreign film about
a young Peruvian girl

who lives in the rainforest

and dreams of having a bicycle.

Any hooters?

It is a Francois Lu Max film.

He explores the mind.

Well, I prefer the
Joseph Zipper production

of They Exploded
Out Of Their Bras.

Now, Marcy, you
might like that one.

It's a film about women.

I wanna see a movie

with Mel Gibson's butt.

I want sensitivity.

I want killing.

I want boobies. I want killing.

Boobies, boobies, boobies.
Sensitivity, sensitivity.

Boobies, boobies.

Boobies, boobies, boobies.

Hi, pumpkin.

You know, I haven't heard
anybody chant that word

since me and my girlfriends
were standing around,

and this old guy in this
Dodge drove by and...

Ew, Daddy.

Well, that...

That must have been
the time when B...

When Bud borrowed the car.

Hey, look, everyone,

it's Dorf on Golf.

How's the party going, honey?

Let me put this way:

Uh, Mom, Mrs. D'Arcy,
would you guys like to be

the girls at my party?

If you do go, I won't
call you Mom, okay?

I'll call you Red.

Well, I guess they've
heard the legends.

They might as well
see the real thing.

Yeah.

Let's give 'em a thrill.
How bad could it be?

[BOTH GIGGLE]

They rejected you, huh?

How about you, Kel?

You know what? I'd
be delighted to help.

Okay. Now, for those of you

who have never actually
been this close to one,

I am a girl.

FRAT BOYS: Ooh.

Indeed.

Now, all girls want men,

but before you
get your hopes up,

this is a man.

[ALL GROAN]

Now, can anyone tell
me what this man has

that you don't have?

Ahmed?

Large earlobes which
denote an enormous

pleasure-giving masculine force?

That's one.

What about caring
and sensitivity?

Hmm. Not in a guy, no.

Now, to continue the lesson.

Man.

Boys.

Yum.

Blech.

[SMOOCHES]

[SPITS]

Kel, I think that'll
be just quite enough.

No. Wait. One second.

I'm not finished yet.

Gobble, gobble, gobble.

[RETCHES]

I'm Kelly Bundy,
that's my opinion.

Call me.

Thank you, Kelly Bundy.

As the song goes,

she goes "duh" for the money.

Now, look, guys.

Now, I may not know
much about girls,

but I do know this much:

If you put on a sheet,

even one with horsies...

Which, by the way, Francis,

looks just terrific on you.

Girls will come.

They will? They will.

Wait a second. I hear
some people coming now.

Guys, quick, look cool,
assume honk positions.

Quite a grotesque
little tableau, eh, Peg?

Yes, but at least they've
got their pants up this time.

[LAUGHS]

Is this what your frat was like?

Sure was.

Except there was girls,
booze and a lot of fun.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Uh, Bud, honey.

I want you to look after Seven.

That is, of course, unless
he'd cramp your style.

[AL AND PEG LAUGH]

Come on, let's go.

Party hearty, guys.

[ALL LAUGH]

[LAUGHS]

I'd love to hang with you guys,

but I got a date.

Later, gators.

Oh, come on,
guys. Don't be down.

They say that there
is a girl for every guy.

Of course, they just say that.

Look, let me help
you the best I can.

Guys, there's no shame

in being gay, okay?

Come on, guys.
She was only kidding.

If we were gay, the
food would be better

and there'd be girls
here making us dance

against our will.

I am tragically disappointed.

This is supposed to be a
party, but still no large heinies

have presented themselves
to our honking hands.

Yeah. I joined this fraternity

to relive my youth.

Well, I am.

I wasn't getting
anything then either.

Why, I could've gotten more tail

playing bingo with
Mom and her friends.

Do they play as we speak?

For I have found
that an old woman

is as grateful as a small dog

when you pet it.

Just let me change my clothes,

and I'll give you
something to pet.

Not me, you ninnies.

I'm talking about girls.

FRANCIS: Oh.

My dad may have taken the chips,

but we still have the dip.

And I'm gonna go get us
the hooters to go with it.

[ALL LAUGH]

Hooters. ALL: Honk, honk.

Ha.

Double word score.

"NBC" is not a word.

It's a word.

It's just not a network.

Where is everybody?

They went home.

Ahmed and Francis were bored,

and, uh, Gus said his prostrate

was flaring up.

I can't believe this.

I got girls. Great ones.

But they're expecting
fraternity guys.

I can't lose these
girls, I just can't.

Oh, Bud?

Where are the guys?

We wanna dance.

Uh, they...

They'll be right there.

And they'll be some
dancing fools too.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, Bud?

How did you get these
girls to come here?

I took your advice, Kel.

I told 'em we were gay.

Did you tell Dad and Mr. D'Arcy?

Nah, that's something
for each man

to discover on his own.

It's sweet that they
found each other.

I'm warning you.

I'm gonna show you all
it takes is a good woman.

Well, I've tried.

I could never find a
girl who could excite me.

Although you do,

a little.

Well, how can we make it a lot?

I don't know.

I'll think about it.

[♪♪♪]