Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 7, Episode 26 - The Proposition - full transcript

A rich hot babe from Al's past thinks Al is a disgusting pig. But she likes that in a man. So she offers to buy Al for half a million dollars.

Al,

why isn't anything happening?

It will,

you just have to be patient.

Well, I don't want to be

disappointed again.

Any minute now, trust me.

I know how this works.

Al, you did it.

You did pay the electric bill.

Of course.



Happy anniversary, baby.

Oh...

Thank you, Al.

It's the perfect
present for the gal

who already has nothing.

Now, is there something
I can do for you?

Yeah.

Get in position, baby.

Oh, Al.

I can still feel you, Peg.

I love you, Al.

Yeah, thanks.

Hey, Mom, Dad?

Kids,



don't just burst in like that.

What if we'd been doing
something intimate?

No, we have to turn
on the television.

That lady Coco's on.

You know, the one
with the beauty empire?

Yeah, she said she
graduated from Polk High.

She's supposed to be the
most famous Polk High graduate.

The second most famous graduate.

I don't think this Coco broad

scored four touchdowns
in a single game.

Or would have played pro ball

if it wasn't for a bum knee

and an even bummer wife.

Oh, there she is.

I have to say, you look great.

Would you stand up for us?

So you attained this perfection

by dieting and using
your own products.

I'm very lucky.

I can eat anything I want

and then get it all sucked out.

But my beauty products

are just as good as surgery

and the money goes to me.

Oh, my God, I recognize her.

Her name isn't Coco,

it's Helen Granowitter.

Peg, you remember her,

she was a year behind
us in high school.

I don't remember her.

You really know her, Al?

Well, I don't want to say
anything in front of the kids

but she, uh...

She co-piloted the starship
Bundy a couple of season.

What do you think
of your old dad now?

What?

Oh, come on, Dad.

You never had a beautiful
woman in your whole life.

Seriously, Mom.

Could you picture Dad with
even a mildly attractive woman?

I mean, Mom. Look at him.

What kind of woman do you
think he possibly could get?

You didn't let me finish.

I was gonna say,
"He's got you...

so why would he want
a beautiful woman?"

Get out.

What did I do? I was
just insulting Daddy.

They hear what they wanna hear.

Hey, somebody stop that guy,

he stole my lunch!

Oh, my.

Hi, beautiful.

Hi, baby.

Oh, it's...

just soda.

It'll dry soon and
leave a little stain.

Well, let's cut the charade.
We both know why you're here.

Why are you here?

I've travelled the world
trying to find a man

that can satisfy
me the way you did.

Oh, oh... Wait a
sec, wait a sec.

Something's going on
in here. Wait a minute...

Oh, it's just an ice cube. I
thought I was passing a stone.

God, you're a pig.

I love it.

I want you, Al.

Travel the world with me.

Make love to me the
way that only you can.

Excuse me, I...

Get out!

So you were saying?

I want you.

Well, I wish I could
say I was shocked...

and dry.

Uh...

Look, I, uh...

I know I look much
the same as I did

when I was a strapping, sexy
high school football star, but...

So it doesn't surprise me
when you say you want me, but...

Look closely in the
dead that are my eyes.

You'll see I'm married.

I'm sorry to hear it.

And I'm sorry to say it.

But, uh...

Would you come home
and meet my family?

You know, tell them you know me.

You know, the sex stuff.

I'd like to impress
the kids, you know.

Sure.

Good. Now, I want you
to come home for dinner.

We're having pizza...

you bring it.

So you are telling us that Coco,

world-famous millionaire...

is madly in love with you

and bringing us a pizza.

It's not as hard to believe
as that I could've had

a beautiful millionaire and
instead ended up with you.

Lucky, huh?

Hello, Coco.

Oh,

I'm so happy to see you.

Mmm, mmm.

Coco, meet the family.

Mmmm.

Ooooh...

Ooooh...

Ooooh...

Aahhh...

Hey, you guys have to
touch these stockings.

I think they're really
made out of silk.

I'm not wearing stockings.

Wow...

Uh, come with us into
our formal dining room.

You know, I told
you extra cheese.

I never met a woman yet
could order a pizza right.

Extra cheese. How tough is it?

You have a lovely home.

Yeah, right.

Enough meaningless
girl small-talk.

Tell her about the
legend of Al Bundy.

Tell them about OCD...

One Cool Dude.

Al, you have a
disgusting piece of cheese

on your chin.

Uh...

Everything tastes
better from Al's mouth.

Catch me, Bud, I
think I'm gonna faint.

Okay, Kel.

Kids, please.

Not in front of rich,
world-famous company.

Uh, Coco...

And I think I can call
you by your first name

since you just ate
off my husband's chin.

Tell me, why are you here?

Because no one has ever
satisfied me like your husband.

Catch me, Bud,

I think I'm gonna faint.

Okay, Kel.

I'll put this as
plainly as I can:

I've still got the
hots for the big lug,

and I want to buy him from you.

So let me get this straight.

You wanna buy him?

He's all that's
missing in my life.

Well, he's missing
in everybody's life.

But nobody wants to buy him.

Now, wait a second.
I think we're missing

what's important here.

You people are treating
me like a piece of meat

and I must say that I like it.

Oops,

I'm sorry, girls,

I think I dropped a nickel.

Oh, my God.

I thought the moon was
made of green cheese and it is.

Jealous little ironing board.

Hey, you're Coco, aren't you?

I buy all your products.

You've been on parts of my body

even she hasn't touched.

It's an honour to meet you.

I write you checks for a
thousand dollars every month.

I owe my man's softness to you.

My man's softness
comes naturally.

I'm glad you're here.

I'm being driven to
the brink of madness

by my dry thighs.

I cream, and I cream,

and I cream

but still my pants
wanna stick to my thighs.

Perhaps you should
let the cream dry

before putting on your pants.

I feel just like I did
when I was a little boy

and my father said:

"Shake it, son, and
the women will pay."

You know, we have 8 mm film

of his father fan dancing
for J. Edgar Hoover.

Hey, she didn't come
here to talk shop.

She came here to purchase me

as a sex toy.

Oh, this is impossible.

Someone wants you for sex?

What, do you have a pet
orangutan who's lonely?

And not picky?

Oh, I'm sorry.

You two weren't properly
introduced, I don't think.

This is Marcy, our
next-door neighbour.

As you can see, she
probably used some of your

vanishing cream on her breasts.

See? Not a trace.

Jefferson, pretend you're a man.

What are you
gonna do about this?

Well, I'm gonna do
what every real man

ought to do for his woman.

I'm gonna let the cream dry

before I put on my pants.

Oh, yeah, I say the same thing,

but a celebrity tells you

and you run, don't
walk, to cream.

Suck-up.

Bitch.

Take me.

You know, it could be worse.

Our neighbours could have
been Siegfried and Roy.

Let's cut to the chase.

I want to buy your husband.

I'll pay you $500,000.

Five hundred thousand
dollars for this?

I don't get it.

But then I haven't been
getting it for 20 years,

so, what's the difference?

We can't sell Daddy.

Uh, Mom,

when you say "we,"

I hope you mean
"oui," as in French for,

"Hell, yes, we'll sell Daddy and
collaborate with the Germans."

Ergo... Which is French for,

"Yes, take our country
but please let us live

to make our creamy sauces."

I say we take the 500,000

and bid Daddy adieu.

Which is French for
a deer, a female deer.

So

In closing, I'd like
to say one thing.

S-E-L-L,

sell Daddy!

Yay!

Dad...

take a long, hard
look at yourself, pal.

You tell me what other
possibility there is out there

for a man made of fudge.

Snap out of it, man.

Sell your worthless
damn body and soul.

It's better than selling shoes.

At least we'll finally be able
to tell people what you do.

You'll be Al Bundy,

male hooker.

Now, Al,

promise me you won't
do anything with Coco.

Hey,

she paid 500 grand.

She wants the boodle, baby.

Well, then promise me
when you're in bed with her,

you won't enjoy it.

Because I think I can
assure you that she won't.

Now, honey, this
is a wonderful thing

you're doing for your
family and I want you to know

we're all very proud of you.

Mom, the limo's here.

Oh, Al, that's our limo

to take us to our
new lakeshore condo.

Well, honey,
don't be a stranger.

You know where we live.

Well, actually you don't.

Oh, well.

Gee, uh,

I'll miss you, Al.

I'll miss you too, Peg.

Poo.

Well, goodbye.

Oh, why, oh, why was I
cursed with these good looks?

This rock-hard body,

this "hold me" heinie.

Face that's a homing
signal for hooters.

You are one fine
$500,000 piece of beef.

Hi.

I've waited a long time, Al.

You, uh...

You're on my side of the bed.

What's the difference?

I don't know.

What if I roll out in the
night and get confused

and go to the
bathroom in the hall?

Okay. I'll move over.

Here.

Is this better?

You got my pillow all warm.

I don't like that.

Fine.

Let's get down to business.

Uh, you know,

maybe you could get
me a glass of water?

Water? Yeah.

Okay, in a glass

or on the front of your pants?

We don't use glasses,

but a paper cup would be nice.

Uh, it's just me.

I hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

I just forgot a few things.

He gets thirsty.

He likes his pillow cool.

Well...

bye.

Oh, and I...

I don't believe that
you bought my pillow.

Well, stud,

giddyup.

All right,

get up!

Get up!

That's my bed and...

And my husband.

Here's your check and get out.

This isn't my check.

It's just a piece of paper.

Gee...

it's amazing how a
page out of the TV Guide

can look like a check.

Here.

Go buy yourself your own

ring-around-the-collar worker.

This big lug is mine.

It's times like this I'm glad
there's a Ben & Jerry's.

You're gonna buy ice cream?

No,

I'm gonna go buy Ben and Jerry.

Gee, Al,

I hope you're not mad at me.

I just couldn't stand
the thought of you

with someone else.

Even if it meant we
were gonna get rich.

Well, I guess I couldn't be

with anybody else either, Peg.

Even though she had
more to offer than you

in every possible way.

Well,

I guess we're just meant
to be together, huh?

Yeah, I guess.

You know what I
wanna do right now?

Yes, I do, and it's
exactly what I wanna do.

I can still feel you, Peg.

Oh.

I love you, Al.

Yeah, thanks.