Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 7, Episode 25 - The Wedding Repercussions - full transcript

Bud's cousin gets divorced after finding out that his wife did the deed with Bud just before their wedding. Or rather, he doesn't exactly know it was Bud, but he's determined to find out. ...

You know, Peg, it's kind of nice

sittin' here like this with you.

How many beers did
you have tonight, Al?

Ten.

So I guess we're
about a six-pack

short of sex, huh?

At least.

Ooh, do I have juicy gossip.
It's about cousin Jimmy.

Uh-oh. Did he find
out our little Bud slept

with his bride on
their wedding day?

He must have.



I heard he's getting a divorce

and he's coming
to see Bud today.

I think he's gonna
squish the little love-critter.

Ah, well, here's the
footstool of love now.

Family, this is my lucky day.

I was at school,

and there was one of the
great parties in all of history.

A wet T-shirt contest.

Large-hootered, Midwestern
farm girls were sliding down

this beer chute half-naked.

There was dancing.
There was loving.

My first big frat party.

Just a great bunch of guys
having the time of their lives.

And it took 'em a full
15 minutes to see me



peeking in the window
and kick me out.

Ah, Dad, you should
have seen 'em.

There were big 'uns.
There were little 'uns.

Round 'uns.

Pear-shaped 'uns.

Here an 'un, there an 'un,

everywhere an 'un-'un.

Ah, sure, like I'm the only
Peeping Tom in this family.

Well, I guess you deserve
to know, tiny dancer.

Cousin Jimmy is on his way
over to have a little chat with you.

Wha...? What do
you think he wants?

Your b-b-butt in a sling.

Oh, my God, that must
be Jimmy. You better run.

Hi, Jimmy. Hi, Cousin Bud.

Hi, Cousin Kelly. Hi,
Uncle Al. Aunt Peggy.

Hello, Cousin Buck.

Ah, it's too bad we
only get together

at weddings and funerals.

Step outside, Bud.

Oh, all right, I'll handle this.

Come on in, Jimmy.

We heard the news.
Congratulations.

Heh. Anybody can
eat 100 Whoppers.

No, I'm talking
about the breakup.

Now, let's face it.

You already had the honeymoon,

and that's the best
part of the marriage.

If it goes any longer,
they turn into this:

Then if you're really unlucky,
you get a couple of these:

Then you turn into this:

Yeah, but she was
the perfect woman.

She was beautiful. She was rich.

And her parents are dead.

Boy, you must really
wanna kill that guy.

Kill him? I want to rend him.

I wanna rip off his arms,

shove one of them
down his throat

and have him tear
out his own heart.

Anyway, Bud, I
need to talk to you.

Bud?

Oh. Heh.

You crack me up.
Heh. Now, get outside.

Uh, I'll be right with you.

Oh, Dad, I don't want
him to pull my arms off

and rip out my heart.

All I did was
sleep with his wife.

What does he want from me?

Now, Bud, just relax. I
know how to handle this.

I met a lot of big, stupid
bullies when I was growing up.

Un-uh, Al, when
you were growing up,

you were the big, stupid bully.

Yeah, I was.

I was good at it too.

But I wasn't just
big and stupid.

I was also mean.

I used to scare people
like your mother scares me.

Dad, can you ox around
later? I'm facing death over here.

All right, all right. Now,
here's what you do.

As soon as he opens
his mouth, you punch him

right in the breadbasket
with everything you got.

He'll drop faster than
a stock after I buy it.

Thanks, Dad. All
right, now, go get him.

All right, go get him.

Peg, looks like there'll just
be three of us for dinner.

Bud, I've got a dilemma.

This thing's really
eating me up.

I gotta kill the guy
that did this to me.

If only I knew who he was.

So you don't know?

All I know is that it's
someone on this block.

I need your help.
Find him for me.

It'll be just like
when we were kids,

and someone was mad
at you and I'd beat him up.

When he was unconscious
you'd come along and kick him.

We were a great team
then. Can I count on you?

She really didn't
tell you anything?

No. I mean,

not even that this guy
was the best she ever had?

That he was good?

Or at least even better than
a really tight pair of pants?

No, she said it really
wasn't worth mentioning.

That bitch.

You're really mad,
aren't you, Bud?

That touches me.

You let me know
when you find this guy,

'cause I want him bad.

Me too.

Jimmy doesn't have a clue.

He doesn't even know it was me.

And the greatest thing is:
he's never gonna find out.

I mean, who's gonna tell him?

Not me. Not me.

Now, remember, Bud,

that's 100 strokes.

Right, Kel.

Eight, nine,

16, 44,

99, 100.

Okay.

You know, it's a good
thing you didn't cheat,

'cause I was counting
along with you.

You're a good slave
and a damn fine eunuch.

You're not gonna
tell Jimmy, right?

Not as long as
my little leprechaun

keeps granting my wishes.

Now, don't forget to
pick up my cleaning,

hang up my pantyhose...

Oh, and, uh, try not to get

tangled up in them this time.

Hey, you do good work. It's
hard to believe you're straight.

Very hard.

Thanks for letting me use
your flea brush, Buck boy.

No problem. I've been using
your toothbrush for years.

Son, are we alone?

Yeah, Dad. Good.

Then you're the only
one I have to get rid of.

Dad, I need to talk to you.

Why is it always
me? Get a friend.

Dad, Cousin Jimmy's going crazy.

And he says if I
don't find out who it is,

he's just gonna go up and down
the block and beat everyone up.

I put the whole block in danger.

Am I doing the
wrong thing by lying?

Don't ever say that, son.

The Bundy proud name

was built on a
philosophy of lying.

Well, lying and owing money.

And perhaps beer. Yes,
lying, owing money, and beer.

Only thing that separates
us from the Kennedys

is they have the money.

Son, always remember
the Bundy credo:

Lie when your wife is waking

Lie when your belly's aching

Lie when you know she's faking

Lie, sell shoes, and lie.

So that really is
our family credo?

No.

No, actually the
family credo is:

Hooters, hooters Yum, yum, yum

Hooters, hooters
On a girl that's dumb

But the father in me
felt that you needed

a wholesome
message at this time.

So lie to anyone you want
as long as nobody gets hurt.

Dad, I'm afraid
somebody will get hurt.

Well, then someone in the
family doesn't get hurt, that's all.

Jimmy is family, and I hurt him.
Well, then the immediate fam...

See? This is why I
don't like talking to you.

So do anything you want
with anyone you want,

just as long as you
don't wear a dress.

Your cousin Jimmy beat me up.

And he tore my little horsy.

He thinks I slept with his wife.

Well, let him sleep with yours.
That ought to be the end of him.

Look, he's your relative. Do
you know anything about it?

Son, the Bundy credo.

Hooters, hooters Yum, yum, yum

Hooters, hooters
On a girl that's dumb

No, no.

See, the boy means

that we don't know anything.

It was the other
credo, you idiot.

Are you okay, Mr. D'Arcy?

Never underestimate me. I
can handle myself. I'm an athlete.

I run a lot, you know,
to stay in shape.

So after he hit me a
couple times, I took off.

He chased me, but I
was too much man for him.

Left him in the dust.

The last time I saw him,
he was puffing and panting.

Yeah, you pay when
you go up against

Jefferson D'Arcy.

What made him think
you were the guilty one?

He said he was
looking on the block

for a great-looking guy
women find irresistible.

Sometimes I wish I
looked like you two.

Ha, ha. No, that's not true.

You slut.

Tramp. Hussy. Libertine.

I heard the whole story
from that young man.

How dare you do the good
and plenty with another woman.

And this is not the last
thing you're gonna lose.

Look, I'm innocent.
Marcy, think rationally.

If I wanted a young,
pretty, sexy girl,

I never would've married you.

Yeah, why go out
for a succulent steak

when you got a dried-up
strip of beef jerky at home?

Marcy. Marcy.

I just had a couch-off

with Marilyn Strabits
down the street, heh, heh.

She was telling everyone

that she could out-sit
me on the couch.

But after about 20 hours,

she started cramping and
crying about wasting her life.

Punk.

Peggy, Jefferson cheated on me.

Well, when you age and
lose your beauty, men cheat.

It's not your looks that
keeps me here, Peg.

It's mine.

I don't think I can get anybody.

Oh, I know I was
asking for trouble

when I married such
a good-looking man.

I mean, what do I have
to keep a man like that?

This is where you, as my
friend, are supposed to jump in

and say that I'm pretty
and sassy and spunky,

and, yes, sexy in that late-70s,
New York, androgynous-band way.

Can't you at least say that I
have a pleasing personality?

You'd give that
to any fat woman.

You have a very nice
personality, Marcy.

You bet your sweet ass.

But I know Jefferson
cheated on me with that girl.

It had to be him.

The only males
around at the time

were Jefferson, Bud
and old man McGinty.

The old man can barely walk
or go to the bathroom by himself,

but still there's not a
woman on the block

who wouldn't take him over Bud.

Hey, you wanna keep
it down over there?

How far away do you think I am?

Peggy, what would you
do if Al cheated on you?

Oh, that would never happen.

He's like a big, old,
faithful hound dog.

Nobody wants him and
he's not good for anything.

But I've had him
since he was a puppy

and he has his cute little ways.

Excuse me, Marcy, I have to go.

Hey, now, what do you want?

You. You true-blue
little pooh bear.

Take me. Take me in
the rubble that is our bed.

Well, I didn't do noth...

Well, mister,
I'll tell you this:

You're not gonna be getting
into these pants ever again.

And I mean that
literally. I'm telling you,

I'm not gonna let
you wear these pants.

Well, obviously,
you two people have

a beautiful, healthy marriage.

But I can't be responsible
for breaking it up.

This man didn't cheat on you.

I'm the stud. The stallion.

The king of them all, y'all.

I, Bud Bundy, am
the irresistible one

who broke up my
cousin's marriage.

Ring, ring. Hello, Mr. Bud?

Yes, I do believe it's time
for my hair appointment.

Ew. I got dweeb goo in my hair.

I'm telling Jimmy.

Save your breath,
Hungry-Man dinner.

You have no hold
over me anymore.

I've decided to tell Jimmy
the truth and take what comes.

Oh, good, then I win twice.

You were my slave and now
you're gonna be dead. Yay me.

But, you know, this has
been very educational for me.

I always thought if you had
sex, it would be the girl who died.

I'll be right back, Peg.

I must, uh, speak to the boy

about his sin.

Bud, I must speak to you
about the Bundy philosophy.

You must always tell the truth.

Dad, I thought you said the
Bundy philosophy was to lie.

It is, son. I'm lying to
your mother right now.

I have to get
ready to go bowling.

So every time I point
at you, say, "Yes, Dad."

And so I feel that blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah.

Uh, yes, Dad.

Blah, blah, blah.

Uh, yes, Dad.

Dad, I think what
I did was wrong.

Blah, blah.

Good point, Dad.

Don't ad-lib, son.

Uh, yes, Dad.

Dad, I really don't
feel good about myself.

Aw. Blah.

Dad, I will never take
something again that's not mine.

I swear this to you
and the heavens above.

I'll never do it again.

Son...

I see you're hurting.

So I wanna say this to you
and I wanna say it sincerely:

Blah, blah, son.

Bladiós.

We are not finished yet.

At least, I'm not.

Jimmy. I'm glad you're here.

I have something to tell you.

God, you're big.

I know who slept
with your fiancée.

It was... Who cares?

The past is just a frown
turned upside down.

One must move on.

I have found my one true love.

Bud,

meet Diana.

Dee Anna. Pfft. Whatever.

Isn't she great? I
don't know. I don't care.

I don't even look
at girls. I don't know.

Honey, I need to talk to
Bud alone for just one second.

Bud, even though I just met her,

I'm gonna go out and get
her an engagement ring.

I don't know if I'm just
in love with being in love,

or if it's just that
I'm so stupid,

I refuse to learn
from my mistakes.

Well, maybe you're just
in love with being stupid.

Yet a third possibility.

Listen, I gotta go,

but I'm gonna leave her here
with you, where she's safe.

Because I can trust you.

You're my best cousin,
you're my best friend,

and you're gonna be my best man.

Hey, you're getting pretty big.

Pretty soon, I'm not gonna
be able to do this anymore.

How come you
aren't looking at me?

Don't you like me?

No, you're a girl. Yuck.

I find your indifference
intoxicating.

Look at me.

No.

This is thrilling.

Take me. Take me now.

You're my best cousin,

my best friend and my best man.

Blah, blah, blah.

Dad's right.

If she'll flirt with me,

she'll flirt with anyone.

She'll just hurt cousin Jimmy.

I know what I have to do.

You're not good enough
for my cousin Jimmy,

but you're just perfect for me.

Strike!