Married with Children (1986–1997): Season 7, Episode 24 - Old Insurance Dodge - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Kids! Tell your father
it's time for work.

And hurry, we don't
want him to be late.

[PROTESTING INDISTINCTLY]

[SCRATCHING]

Come on.

Peg.

I can't go to work,
I've got the chickenpox.

Aah, don't do that! It hurts!

Al, it's just iodine.

Now, you tried that
trick on our wedding day.



Besides, you think if you
really had the chickenpox

we'd let you in the house?

Now, go to work.

Kids, encourage your father.

[FLATLY] We love you.

[FLATLY] Have a good day, Dad.

Good.

Now, here's the
lunch and the garbage.

Gee, Peg, I can't believe
you actually made my lunch.

Well, I just took the garbage
and separated it into two bags.

Give 'em shoe hell, Harry.

I'm going.

Going to work. I'm
gonna miss you, honey.

AL: Holy moly!
Yikes and gadzooks!



Peg!

Peg, it's gone.

Somebody stole my car.

Don't be ridiculous, Al.

Who would steal the Dodge?

That would be like someone
stealing my engagement ring.

Or one of Kelly's ideas.

Or Bud.

Flip a burger. Flood a bed.

AL: Hey! How...

I can't believe it.

I lost my Dodge. It's
really, really gone.

And it figures.

Three weeks to the day
I wash the damn thing,

it gets stolen.

Somebody call the police.

What for?

The call costs
more than the car.

Yes, and it costs
more than the condom

I should've used the
night you were conceived.

Yes, 911. Yes, this
is an emergency.

Put me on hold.

♪ Dum de-dum de-dum
De-dum de-dum ♪

♪ Dum de-dum-dum
Dum dum dum dum dum ♪

♪ Dum dum dum dum
Dum dum dum dum dum... ♪

[HUMMING]

Yes, yes, yes, officer.
Yes, I'm still here.

Yes, I'll wait.

♪ Dum dum dum dum ♪

♪ Duh dum-dum duh-dum
Duh-duh-dum dah-dum ♪

♪ Dah dum-dum duh
Dah dum-dum dah-dum... ♪

Oh, yes, I'm still here.

Yes, I want some of
your best men on this job.

The crime? Someone
stole my 1974 Dodge.

Hello? Hello?

Bribe-taking, doughnut-sucking,
trigger-happy...

Hello, officer?

Yes, officer. Yes,
I'd like to report a, uh,

kidnapping.

How tall? Oh, about, uh...

4 feet tall,

5 feet wide,

smoke belching out the
rear, weighs about two tons.

No, it's not Oprah.

No, it's not Delta Burke.

Who would call to
complain if she was missing?

No. It's my Dodge.

Hello?

H...

Run six red lights,
they're all over you,

but where are they when
you really need them?

You know, Dad, this
reminds me of the old saying:

I was sad when I had no Dodge,

until I saw the man who had one.

How did you grow up
heartless in this house?

I'm gonna miss the old Dodge.

I grew up in it. I
went to school in it.

I feel like I was born in it.

Well, you certainly
were conceived in it.

Oh, I remember when you
used to lock me in the old Dodge

'cause you couldn't
find a babysitter.

Yeah, but, you know, pumpkin

we always left the window open

just a little crack
for you, didn't we?

Just like we did with Buck.

Hey, Al, you remember the time

we tried to outrun
the cops in the Dodge?

[LAUGHING] Yeah.

But he eventually
caught us, though.

He was pretty fast
for a guy on foot.

Oh, but it's not just the car,

it's the precious
items that it held.

My 8-track tape player.

The last great
American sound system.

That 8-track is
to today's stereos

what a girlfriend is to a wife.

An earlier, better version.

Hey, look what we
found in the garbage.

Milly Bell, my 8-track!

We also found your
"Born To Be Wild" tape,

Meet The Four Seasons,

Meet The Supremes,

and The Four Seasons
Meet The Supremes.

Well, now we know that
this thief is not only stupid

but has no taste in music.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

I wonder where Michael
Bolton was this morning.

Well, if they don't
arrest him for his singing,

they won't arrest him for this.

So someone stole
your Dodge, eh, Al?

Well, it's your own fault.

You should know better
than to leave it parked out front

on garbage day.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, I bet somebody took it to
start a new limousine service.

You know, for those
people who can't quite afford

the luxury of Greyhound.

O-or to use as a pace car
for the Garbage Man 500.

[LAUGHING]

You know, Marcy, how
can you be so unfeeling?

Didn't you ever get
up in the morning

and suddenly
realize that something

very, very important was gone?

Well, sure you do.

You must every morning when
you open up your pajama top.

[COUGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Or your pajama bottoms.

Yeah, right.

Peg, set her straight.

So there!

Now, I'm gonna have to, uh,
notify the insurance company,

and they're not gonna
be too happy either

because this baby's gonna
be mighty hard to replace.

Fifty dollars?

For a Dodge?

That car was a classic.

Why, everything in
there was original:

The seats, the engine, the oil.

And what about my
mental suffering, huh?

How much is that worth?

Oh, you say that's the
major part of the $50.

All right, let me
think about it.

I'll get back to you.

Fifty dollars. You can't
replace a car for $50.

And the worst part is
just five more payments

and the damn thing was mine!

Hey, hey look, Daddy.

We could get a
Mercedes for just 50 K's.

You don't even need money.

I have some spare K's from
those letters they sent from school

saying that Kelly is an idiot.

Well, who's the idiot now, huh?

Peg!

That's great news, honey.

Why don't you run
up and get those K's?

You betcha.

And Bud, you can help too.

You can probably get
one out of the paper

'cause there's
always one in there

about President
Clinton and their cat.

And the current controversy
over campaign contributions.

Wow, that's a veritable
cornucopia of K's.

Look, Al. Al, you're not gonna
settle for 50 bucks, are you?

They pay you for
what's in the car as well.

Now, what'd you
have in the trunk?

Oh, I had parts of a
carburetor I had left over

when I took it apart and...

I had a salami that I was aging.

[SIGHS]

No, Al. You tell
them that you had...

You had jewelry,
paintings... cash.

And a salami!

[SIGHS]

Follow me, Al.

Two salamis.

I think I'm starting
to get your drift.

I think I had a loaf
of bread in there too.

But how am I gonna
prove I had all that stuff?

Well, how can they
prove you didn't?

Uh, Dad,

this is kind of, uh, illegal.

[SARCASTICALLY]
Oh, gee, that's right, huh?

Guess I should
rethink the whole thing.

Little sissy.

Well, I mean,

insurance companies have
been ripping us off for years.

Maybe we should get
our fair share, right?

[LAUGHING]

I'm back in, eh, Dad?

You could really
use the money, Al.

I mean, it should be your choice

to walk around with green
teeth and yellow underwear.

Or sometimes vice versa.

You're right!

Now, I'm gonna make
a list. Peg, make a list.

How am I gonna
tell this insurance guy

that I forgot to say
I had all that stuff?

Uh, tell him you had
a lot on your mind.

How would they know
it's as empty as your trunk?

[ALL LAUGH]

You're right. He
doesn't know I'm an idiot.

[ALL LAUGH]

What am I gonna do for a car?

Marcy...

I saw you had a
third car out front.

Can I borrow it?

Well, actually, I borrowed it.

I've been thinking about
getting a new car and...

dealerships are so
desperate for business,

they'll let you try one
out for a couple days.

Gee, I'd like to do that but...

I don't have the money
to really buy a new car.

And, of course, if I lied

then that... would be cheating.

And we couldn't
do that, could we?

That was good, right, Dad?

[ALL LAUGHING]

[HANDEL'S MESSIAH PLAYING]

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah ♪

♪ Halle-ee-lujah ♪

Pardon me.

Have you any Grey Poupon?

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Hallelujah... ♪

Hey, Kel,

why are you watching
Spanish television?

Spanish?

I just thought they were
English words I didn't know.

Hey, don't sit on my K's!

I have 28 K's.

Now, I could
probably get a Jeep,

but I have my heart
set on a Mercedes.

So, what options do
you think I should get?

Maybe one of those,
uh, electronic brains.

'Cause something in
the car should have one.

Who's Mom talking to?

Oh, the insurance company.

She's taking care of things.

She was afraid Dad
was gonna go too far.

Yes, I realize it takes time

to authenticate
the Stradivarius.

That's why I just don't know
why you don't take our word for it.

Yes, we are the same
Bundys that filed a claim

that our mansion had
been whisked away

in Hurricane Andrew.

But I don't know what
business that is of yours.

That was an entirely
different insurance company

we were trying to defraud.

Anyway, my husband
has empowered me

to come down off our
original figure of 6 million.

Yes. That's because
we found the Picasso.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, it turns out it
wasn't in the car at all,

it just fell into the hamper.

[LAUGHS]

Liar?

You know, no one
has ever called me that

in all my 24 years.

Oh, come on.

It's not like it's your money.

Hello?

Boy, you file one
multimillion-dollar claim

and all that "good
neighbor" crap

just flies out the window.

Wow, Daddy, you look
good enough to bury.

Yeah, Al, you really look great.

You know, I'd marry
you all over again

if I didn't know it was you.

[LAUGHS]

But of course I
do, so I wouldn't.

Where'd you get that suit?

Well, Peg, when the
guys at the clothing store

saw me pull up in my new car

they automatically opened
up a charge account for me.

I guess they didn't
know I was just coming in

to bum a nickel for the meter.

Listen, honey, I'm
having a little trouble with

the insurance company.

Did you know that
the French claimed that

the real Mona Lisa is theirs

just like we did?

Well, you know, it's a dark day

when someone will
believe the French over me.

What about that picture
of the dogs playing poker,

did they say they
have that one too?

'Cause I really did
have that in my trunk.

Hey, Daddy, can we take
a ride in the new Mercedes?

Well, pumpkin, I don't have
the new Mercedes anymore.

See, when I took it back
to ask for a free fill-up

they had the nerve to ask me

when I was gonna
buy the damn thing.

Like I'd buy a foreign car.

I'm an American.

And if I'm gonna cheat somebody,
it'll be an American company.

Now, who wants to go for a
ride with me in my new loaner?

A Lincoln Town Car.

I do. I do. I do.
I do. I do. I do.

Then let's rock 'n' roll.

[CHUCK BERRY'S "NO
PARTICULAR PLACE TO GO" PLAYING]

♪ Ridin' along In
my automobile ♪

♪ My baby beside
me At the wheel ♪

♪ I stole a kiss At
the turn of a mile ♪

♪ My curiosity runnin' wild ♪

♪ Cruisin' And
playin' the radio ♪

♪ With no particular
Place to go ♪

♪ Ridin' along In
my automobile ♪

♪ I'm anxious to tell
her The way I feel ♪

♪ So I told her
Softly and sincere ♪

♪ And she leaned And
whispered in my ear ♪

♪ Cuddlin' more
And drivin' slow ♪

♪ With no particular
Place to go ♪

[ALL TALKING EXCITEDLY]

Gee, that was a
great ride, eh, guys?

And it proves
one thing for sure:

Old people can really
jump out of the way

when there's 4000 pounds
of American engineering

barreling right at them.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Hey, everybody,
our food's still hot

and so is that guy at the
Burger Boy drive-up window.

The fool actually
handed me the bag

while I still had the $5
dangling in front of the window.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Oh, look, Bud, it
looks like your bed.

Look, Kel.

This'll fit your finger
when you're 30.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Now, Bud, I have told
you a thousand times

don't play with your food or
I'm gonna give it to the dog.

And if the dog plays with it,

I'm gonna give
it to your father.

[CHUCKLES]

Hello, ma'am.

Joe Orton from Uninsurable
"We'll Insure Anybody"

Insurance Company.

I've come to settle your claim.

It's our 5 million
dollars. Yeah.

Well, I see why you kept
the Mona Lisa in the trunk.

And, uh, my salami.

Oh, I mean, uh, my two salamis.

How much money
you gonna give me?

We'll give you $25,000.

Just wait one second, please.

Family meeting.

What are we meeting for?
Let's just take the 25,000.

Now, wait a minute, Al.

That's not how it's done.

This is just their
starting offer.

Go bargain with him.

No. We don't want
Dad to negotiate.

He's a moron. I am.

I am. I am a moron.
Damn, what should I do?

Just remember the old saying:

A bird in the hand is
worth a foot in the tush.

What are you saying?

I don't know. Well, what sh...

What should I do? Negotiate.

Take the money. Buy a vowel.

Look, Al, whatever
your instincts are,

just do the opposite.

Uh, can I buy a vowel?

No, I mean... I'll
take the money.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Good news, Mr. Bundy.

They're making
edible nightsticks now?

I wish.

No. I meant good news for you.

We found your Dodge.

It was parked around the
corner where the engine fell out.

We might have
found it a little earlier

but we barely care when
there's a major crime.

Did they jimmy open
the trunk, officer?

Nope.

What a relief.

The Mona Lisa is safe.

Well, I gotta be going too.

There's an armed
robbery in progress

and I'm gonna go park under
the freeway and take a nap.

W-wait, Daddy, there
might be some K's in there.

Pumpkin, there are
no K's in "broke."

But you know what?

I'm gonna tell you something.
I'm glad they found my Dodge

'cause that's my car,

and I hate change.

Well, you know, it would be...

like losing one of you guys.

Or, Peg, it'd be like trading
you in on a brand-new blond

with shiny, new, smooth,

factory-warranted
hooters, you know.

Ah, sure, the first few rides

would be nice and
everything, but, you know,

in the long run... And this, Peg,
is what depresses me every day.

I realize that...

you're the one I want.

Oh, Al.

I wish you wouldn't
touch me though, Peg.

Now, kids,

let's say we jump
in the old Dodge

and go for a spin.

Okay. Let's go.

[CHUCK BERRY'S "NO
PARTICULAR PLACE TO GO" PLAYING]

♪ Ridin' along In
my automobile ♪

♪ My baby beside
me At the wheel ♪

♪ I stole a kiss At
the turn of a mile ♪

♪ My curiosity runnin' wild ♪

♪ Cruisin' And
playin' the radio ♪

♪ With no particular
Place to go ♪

♪ Ridin' along In
my automobile ♪

♪ I'm anxious to
tell her The way I... ♪

KELLY: Hello? Yes, I
saw your ad in the paper

and I'd like to buy a Mercedes

and I just wanna
verify the price.

How much for the new
model with everything?

Fifty G's?

Well, I don't have
that kind of letter.

Or 50 big ones.

How big do they have to be?